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At ten, you are a prodigy.
At fifteen, you are a genius.
But by twenty, you become ordinary.
His hands trembled.
Does it, though?
What if before reaching twenty, someone makes you ordinary?
Haru's striking blue eyes dimmed.
...Why do I swim?
...And who do I swim for?
It all started at a harmless 'friendly' match.
A match that was meant to help him get the feel of swimming on a bigger platform.
National, then international.
A match that was supposed to be a privilege, given that the world's fastest swimmer was invited to swim with them.
Yet just like that, it ripped every part of Haru's principles, destroying the foundation he had built since he was a kid.
Naturally, the only solution he thought of was to swim more, practice more, try to find ways on how to beat the Albert Wahlander. With the help of his coach, he figured it wouldn't be long until he surpassed the man. It was always like that anyway; as long as he set his mind to it, the water would always favor him.
Then came the world championship in Sydney.
How Albert leisurely went out of the pool while his opponents were still fighting, swimming with all their might, it brought Haru a new kind of devastation worse than when he thought it was over for him and Rin.
Albert's power made him feel small.
"To swim like that, you have to let go of something." His coach once said.
Did it mean Haru had to sever his bond with his friends just to beat him?
...Did Albert do the same?
If so, Haru couldn't fathom the loneliness of being on top.
"CHEERS!" Asahi's shout pulled Haru out of his thoughts.
"CHEERS!" Everyone raised their glasses, and so did he, acting as if he had been paying attention since the beginning.
It was the holiday season. With snow fluttering prettily with the wind, children running around, songs and laughter echoing around the city and even inside the restaurant, one would never be able to tell that a certain athlete was not on their same wavelength.
Not even Makoto, whose eyes have been set on him since they were kids, could tell that there was something wrong with him.
After all, to Haru, pretending that everything was fine was as easy as breathing.
The trembling of his hands remained hidden.
"We should start with steamed soybeans." Sousuke prompted.
All thoughts effectively vanished. Haru placed the glass on the table and grabbed the menu, eyes suddenly glinting with determination as he looked at the man in front of him.
"Mackarel salad." He countered firmly.
"No," Rin side glanced at him irritatingly, "Hurry up and order some real food."
Makoto burst out laughing, finding Rin’s irritation hilarious.
Kisume suddenly commented on something, catching the whole group’s attention.
The conversation and casual banter went on, but it didn’t mean Haru was onto the same boat.
Eyes slowly unfocusing, his mind was about to wander once more when Rin called his name, snapping him out.
Rin smiled, “Good work this year.”
Haru did not reply, blank face staring at his year-long rival.
…Good work?
“Are you okay?”
At that, Haru immediately understood.
“Yeah.” He lied, voice was steady and casual, just like the usual, “What about you?”
His rival looked at him momentarily before averting his gaze away, expression turning solemn.
“It would be a lie if I said I’m fine. I mean, I had confidence.”
Haru’s gaze remained fixed at Rin, unsure of what face he was wearing at that point.
Because he knew exactly what Rin was talking about.
How his heart pounded with a sudden streak of anxiety was more than enough proof that he had caught more of what Rin was feeling - more of his frustration, and more of his fear.
It was like getting pulled down the depths of the ocean, unable to see within the dark, unable to resurface.
But unlike Rin, Haru was never able to learn the art of expressing. Always caring for others in his own way, as subtle as it may be, and never much to his own wellbeing.
And so, his feelings remained locked deep within his heart.
But even the most passionate could burn into nothing if driven to a corner. It was only a matter of time for Haru to be in that position.
For most, it would cause what they call a slump - it would put them into a depressive state, push their inner monsters out to wreck havoc, and ultimately destroy their reason and purpose for that dream.
But for Haru, it would destroy everything.
His dreams, his principles, his bond, his love.
“Why do you swim?”
Haru, why do you swim?
“Anyway, I’ll do what it takes to kick this frustration.” Rin’s voice echoed, as if he was far away.
Me too.
Because where else could Haru go, if not forward?
The night was quiet, save for the occasional sound of waves by the shore. It was peaceful, and the moon was bright.
But the same solitude could not be described by what Haru was experiencing.
His heart was pounding, cold sweat dampening his forehead as he clutched his head.
He couldn’t breathe nor could he see where he was right now.
Albert was in front of him, haunting him, violet irises piercing his mind like a viper, reducing him into nothing but fear and anxiety, making him question his own capabilities.
“Why do you swim?”
Haru shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut as he heaved harsh deep breaths, forcing himself to calm down.
He had been doing that more often lately - forcing himself with everything.
What used to be passionate, treasurable, and fun, was now the subject of his torment.
Merging with the water felt forced now.
For my friends! Haru screamed in his mind I swim for them!
“To swim like that, you have to let go of something."
But that was the case, Haru didn’t want that. He wouldn’t be in that position now if it weren’t for his friends’ support. He wouldn’t be able to find his dream if he abandoned his friends.
He couldn’t understand what that had to do with wanting to go faster.
They loved each other, treated each other like family. Sacrificing them just to be on top would mean eradicating a huge chunk of who he was.
Haru never admitted anything to his friends, or even to himself, on what he was truly feeling.
Not until Rin voiced out his own a few weeks ago, unknowingly speaking out for the suffering that was forcibly caged in his soul.
And probably because of that competition, that moment , Haru was finally able to see what was truly wrong with himself.
He was exhausted, his body was in pain, and the extreme pressure being put on him as he took another step forward was shaking the foundations of his mental state.
He was not okay.
Even more so when the dreadful fight between him and Rin that night ensued. Haru genuinely didn’t know what brought on that kind of personality, spitting out dishonest words as he watched Rin’s heart break in front of him.
“Please…” He whispered as Rin slowly faded away from his sight, “I can’t breathe.”
Help me.
Don’t leave.
I’m drowning.
It was five more weeks before the world championship in Fukuoka, but clearly, Haru was no longer in shape to train.
Azuma Ryuji could see that.
Shaking his head, he was about to turn around when he noticed Haru faltering in his steps, eyes rolling back as his knees gave out.
“Haru!” His hands reached out, moving just in time to catch the younger’s head before he completely collapsed.
Ryuji’s eyes widened for a moment, shocked to see how deathly pale Haru’s face had become. The way his legs and arms twitched didn’t go unnoticed as well.
Immediately knowing the cause of this, he sighed heavily, dread slowly settling deep within his gut.
“I’m… fine…” Haru rasped, eyes still closed.
“You need to stop doing that burst.” His stern voice echoed within the training center, “You will hurt yourself before you could even get to the final round.”
“If it’s… the only way… to get things done,” Haru panted harshly, voice coming out as a whisper, “I wouldn’t mind.”
“YOU IDIOT!” Ryuji roared, “ARE YOU TRYING TO GET YOURSELF KILLED?!”
Haru didn’t speak as he continued breathing hard, as if he was scared that oxygen would run out and he would die suffocating.
“All you have to do is to improve the condition of your body, endurance and power wise.” The coach gritted his teeth, “Then you attempt to get past your personal record. That’s how you beat Albert. Why can’t you understand that?!”
“We don’t have… much time–”
“TO HELL WITH TIME!” Ryuji screamed.
Silence ensued, save for Haru’s breaths.
Out of nowhere, two images overlapped in his vision. Haru’s current image flickered to his deceased friend’s lifeless one.
Ryuji was once a selfish man - opting to choose his own career instead of saving his friend and making sure he lived.
He once thought that trophies and spotlights were the best course of action, sacrificing something or someone to get into the bigger picture. Because maybe, in that way, he would be able to use it to uplift his friend.
To use himself as an anchor for his people.
But clearly, he learned his lesson the hard way.
Because to uplift the people you love, you hold their hand while you take on the world. You look at them once in a while and make sure they’re doing well on their own. You support them as fiercely as they do for you.
Sacrificing your time in getting better never meant not giving a single damn about them, nor setting them aside for superfluous bouts of victory.
It meant reducing those moments of bonding, and making sure that they understood what you were doing, knowing that they would be at your back to encourage you if needed be.
Being on top never meant becoming selfish and cold.
That would only cage you like a dog on a leash.
Never having a company for your head to lean on when you’re tired.
And now, seeing the same path he used to take slowly donned on Haru, the ice covering his dead beating heart cracked.
This is not the way, child.
This isn’t what it meant to let go of something to you.
“Get out of here.” Ryuji murmured, carefully helping Haru up when he deemed him able to walk on his own, “Get some rest.”
It didn’t take long for everyone to realize the moment they heard what was going on.
With Makoto and Rin’s help, Haru finally saw a glimpse of light within the trenches he was stuck in.
Despite every muscle of his body screaming at him, he went on with the training. Because this time, it was bearable; it wasn’t lonely.
He felt like he could breathe again.
In between training, he would go somewhere he thought no one would go to for a time to himself. Sometimes it would be just him focusing on his surroundings - the crisp air, the tweeting of birds, and the warmth cascading down from the sun.
But most of it was him unknowingly falling deep into sleep, only resurfacing back when quite some time already passed.
Surprisingly, no one wondered, no one asked. Not even Ryuji whose gaze remained stoic at him.
Haru figured that maybe they were too focused on training that they wouldn’t realize how long he had been gone. Never really considering that everyone already knew.
It was three weeks before the championship, and there wasn’t a time anymore where Haru wouldn’t collapse just as he closed the door to his apartment, whole body trembling from extreme fatigue.
Even his mental state was starting to play tricks on him - constantly making him question if he could truly do it, if he was doing the right thing, if swimming was really meant for him.
He could only smirk at himself whenever that would happen.
Such pity for someone who used to love water freely.
I still do… Haru thought. It’s just… it’s so hard right now.
But Haru pushed through - bantering with Rin from time to time, playing matches with him just for the heck of it, making everyone laugh and silently feel relieved.
Only to have the process repeat for the rest of the week.
At that point, Haru knew it was only a matter of time before he completely gave out.
And when that time came, he knew he would have to choose a path of no return.
“We’ve been closely monitoring him, especially with his medical. But why does it seem like something is still wrong?” Makoto muttered one day, when the All-Japan invitational finally ended and everyone already went home after the victory party at the restaurant except for him and Rin.
The latter sighed heavily, frustration coloring his face, “Who knows. That guy never tells us anything.”
“The championship is next week.” Makoto furrowed his eyebrows, “It wouldn’t do him good if he has an underlying condition.”
“But he’s Haru, it’ll take time for him to budge. The only way to get to him is to force our way in.”
The taller one looked at Rin, eyes slightly widening, “What if we stay at his place?”
“I’m not so sure about that…” Rin sighed again as he shook his head, “He needs rest.”
“Maybe Coach Ryuji would know…”
There was a pause before Rin replied, “Maybe.”
“Should we ask him?”
“I don’t know… I mean, we asked him a couple of times already.”
The conversation was a dead end - not one of them could figure out what was going on with Haru.
Because despite the usual blank face and occasional remarks he would show to others, Makoto knew there was something else going on behind closed doors. As he constantly voiced his concern to Rin as a way of seeking help, the latter realized the same thing upon closer look.
Haru was acting strange. They couldn’t pinpoint how, but the feeling was there.
They could only promise to update each other and keep a constant lookout for the guy before parting ways.
Makoto was restless. It didn’t help when that dream stuck around his head. With young Haru’s back turned to him as he walked away, never looking back, it felt like the answer was already right there.
Did it mean that Haru was letting go of something huge?
But it was already established that not one of them will walk this path alone. They agreed to train together, watch out for each other. They celebrated together, mourned when someone didn’t pass the championship.
He knew Haru had a strong grip on what was important to him.
So… what else was there?
The answer painfully came too late, in the form of Ryuji and Kinjou’s unexpected exchange, when the coach finally told him what was going on with Haru.
“You know how he gets that burst of speed sometimes?” Ryuji looked at him, “He uses too much oxygen when he swims like that.”
The cold of dread and fear gripped Makoto’s heart tight as he stared at the coach.
“He’s reaching his limit faster than I expected. In all likelihood, he can only do that one more time.”
It meant that Haru’s problem was truly internal - his heart.
The human body is capable of amazing things, especially when it is in a state of adrenaline.
All athletes experience what they call ‘the zone’ when the practice or competition enters a critical juncture.
Their heart rate spikes, allowing blood to flow inside their bodies faster, increasing their strengths and giving them a godlike surge of pushing past their limit, momentarily decreasing the time to breathe as well.
Once ‘the zone’ comes to an end, the lungs will work at an all time high to make up for that surge, fighting against the blood’s currents to slow everything down, until such time that its work has ended, cooling the athlete down.
But what happens when they constantly enter the ‘the zone’?
Never truly resting, never coming down from that burst, always on top, the body constantly on high stress?
Never mind the lungs shutting down from fatigue.
The heart could go into cardiac arrest.
Meaning, Haru could die the second time he attempted that burst of speed Ryuji was talking about.
Thanks to the lectures and Nao’s guidance, Makoto knew enough.
Enough for the overwhelming fear to swallow him whole.
The reason why they never figured out what was wrong was because their equipment and knowledge wasn’t enough to detect the implications.
Coach Ryuji constantly emphasized to Haru during training to get some rest. Makoto never took it seriously, and neither did Rin and the rest. They thought Haru was doing the same thing as the others, that the burst of speed was him improving even further.
But now that he knew, it felt like he failed Haru for the umpteenth time.
Haru… oh god.
I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I’m sorry for letting you drown.
Haru’s unfocused eyes stared at nothing, mouth agape and arms hanging limply to his side as he weakly willed to calm himself down.
He could feel himself shutting down. He felt it after doing the 100m freestyle, when he forcefully pushed himself just to earn the number one spot on the list.
His breaths came in short, like a dying fish desperately holding on for dear life. He could feel his heart beat going erratic, the cold numbing his senses.
It was true that he didn’t know how long his body could hold. But he was almost there, he was so close to beating that guy.
Haru couldn’t afford to back down now.
“Why…”
Why am I doing this?
Does loving something really have consequences?
And yet, as he remained unmoving, eyes finally slipping shut to enter death-like sleep, he knew that sheer will was no longer enough.
He had finally reached his limit.
It was actually quite a surprise to him that nothing detected what was wrong of him. Despite the medical check ups coming out normal, he knew something was going on.
He wouldn’t be enduring this kind of suffering if everything was okay.
The next time he woke up, the ceiling was white, and there was warmth around him.
“Haru.” Makoto’s voice registered in his mind.
Slowly turning his head, he saw that Makoto wasn’t alone.
Rin and Ikuya were also there.
“Thank goodness.”
“Haru…” Rin called worriedly.
“Sousuke carried you here.”
Oh.
For someone who didn’t often laugh, Haru suddenly felt like laughing.
But given his state, even breathing felt like a chore now.
“I see.” He whispered, face blank as he slowly got up, expertly ignoring the pain of his body.
Ikuya raised his hands, eyes widening in panic, “They said you can’t get up yet–!”
“I have to go.” Haru interrupted, voice firm and unyielding.
Just like the usual, as if there was nothing wrong with him at all.
“Why?” Rin questioned, gaze hardening, unwilling to back down as he stared at what was left of his rival.
Deathly pale, someone who was starting to fade away.
“I have races to win and people to beat, Rin.”
“Why?”
“I want to beat him.”
The three knew who he was talking about.
Albert.
“Why do you swim?”
“I want to show him the reason why I swim.” Haru looked at Rin, dimmed eyes looking at bright, anxious ones, “What the water means to me, and why he will never succeed in breaking me.”
I swim for my friends… and for myself.
I swim to be free.
That’s how it has always been.
Unyielding, free, determined to the point of cold.
“But you’re at your limit now, Haru. The longer this goes on, the more it will harm you.” Makoto voiced his concern despite already knowing the answer.
Haru is unbeatable in water.
He will remain steadfast on what he believes in.
Always the hero, even at the cost of his own life.
“It’s fine…”
“No, it’s not fine. You can get yourself killed, Haru!” Rin exclaimed.
There was silence after that, the tension inside the room suffocating the three of them.
But not Haru, not when he had already made up his mind.
“...Albert’s swimming is sad and lonely. Don’t you think, Rin?” He murmured softly.
To swim like that, you have to let go of something.
I am letting go of myself to reach Albert, and tell him how painful it is to remain stuck within the trenches.
When the lineup for the medley relay was finalized, everyone rejoiced except for a few others.
The ones who knew what was wrong with Nanase Haruka.
This was beyond what they expected, beyond what Rin felt when Sousuke said he ought to quit swimming.
It was Haru’s life at stake as they trudged on to earn the dreams of their countrymen.
Was it truly worth it? Seeing their hero take on a monstrous, almost impossible challenge?
They couldn’t fathom the pressure Haru must’ve felt that time.
When everyone was rejoicing, and he was standing silently, eyes downcast as he fought on something.
It was obvious now - his pale skin, unfocused eyes, slumped shoulders, and irregular breathing.
Who knew, he was also probably fighting with all his might to stand up straight, knowing that his muscles must’ve been heavily fatigued for a long time now.
But what could they do?
This was Haru’s fight.
All they could do was support him as much as they could.
So, when they passed the qualifiers, Rin and Ikuya thought the victory was bittersweet.
They were about to send the most important figure in their life onto death’s door.
For the first time since the passing of his father, Rin prayed as hard as he could, hoping for god to hear his pleas of saving Haru.
And while he did that, Makoto watched over Haru, doing everything he could think of in making things a bit better for him.
A warm, comfortable bed, and the grasping of a few minutes of rest.
Everything for Haru, for the person who was with him since he was a kid.
Because once all ended, he knew Haru would have to decide a path of no return.
And it might take all of them if things went down the hill.
The time had come - it was the moment of truth.
Haru and Albert exchanged glances, both knowing what the competition meant for them.
It was more than just the medal, more than just the world’s spotlight going to them.
It was a make or break situation, to allow the victor the power to let their passion be felt across all lanes.
Either with Haru’s compelling pursuit to togetherness, or Albert’s relentless path of a lonewolf, it could potentially change the trajectory of the swimming world.
Anyone who was in the game would know how vital the competition was.
“Ever since we swam together, I’ve been thinking about what it means to swim.” Haru muttered softly.
Albert looked at him silently, anticipating what he would say next.
“I’ll show you what’s important to me.”
Because for people like them, talking was superficial.
Willing the water to flow against them was always the way to do it.
Albert’s eyes widened, only to smirk at him with a glint in his eyes, “There’s something about you, you know.”
Let me see how you swim then, Nanase Haruka.
And so began Haru’s first conquest to the top.
Upon hitting the water, his instincts went auto. Every part of his body started working, and his arms glided beautifully across the water.
Once you dive in, the water bares its fangs and attacks.
But unlike the times he swam, the water was treacherous this time.
He felt his heart pounding painfully, as if it was pleading for him to stop. The muscles on his legs started contracting, protesting the longer he did it.
Yet even so, he felt something else cover him - something warm and powerful.
“COME ON! HARU!”
Their voices rang against his ears, speaking non-stop as he groaned. Like a breath of fresh air, and the sunlight cascading gently down at him, it was like numerous hands suddenly appeared in front of him, pulling him, helping him.
From there, he remembered…
…How much the water loved him.
But I won’t fear it.
The water will always favor you, Haruka.
And so, Haru entered ‘the zone’, the burst of speed inclining Albert to finally look and realize what swimming meant for him.
Albert found himself chuckling. For the first time since he became a puppet to his organization, he felt warmth embracing him.
In the water, everyone’s free.
Albert smiled softly. There really is something about you.
With one final push, Haru’s palm met the wall.
And the roar of victory flooded the arena.
No one, not even Ryuji, who found himself crying, could’ve ever anticipated the worst case scenario.
Despite the world declaring Haru and the rest gold medalists for the relay, the whole team couldn’t bring themselves to celebrate.
The person who brought them all together, the person most of them viewed as their hero, publicly collapsed a few moments after their victory.
Rin, Ikuya, and Sousuke weren't able to react in time as they watched Haru hit his head on the floor. The colors on their faces drained as they simultaneously screamed out that person’s name.
“HARU!”
“Haru! Can you hear me?! Are you okay?!” Rin speedily gathered Haru in his arms, eyes sharpening as he watched even the twitches on his body.
His breathing was shallow this time, the pounding of his heart was erratic. It was as if it was teetering on the edge of life itself.
“Haru could go into cardiac arrest at this point.” Makoto’s voice echoed in his head, “He could die if this went on.”
“Haruka!” “Nanase!” “Haru!”
Despite the whole team calling for his name, Haru could barely say anything anymore.
Yet, for some reason, he was able to rasp out, “Yeah…”
And as his consciousness finally slipped away, Haru never forgot to call upon the family he made with so much tenderness.
“You guys…”
Thank you.
Haru was sent to the emergency room in one of the biggest hospitals in Fukuoka. Naturally, the team followed suit, completely unbothered with the awarding as they rushed towards Haru’s room.
With a complete set of equipment, Haru underwent a series of tests while unconscious. As the group waited for the results and the go signal to visit him, the others who knew about his condition finally told the rest of what happened.
“S-so… y-you mean to say…” Rei was the first to speak up after a few moments of shocked silence, “Haruka-senpai was already fighting for his life, just to beat Albert?”
“Why didn’t you tell us sooner?!” Natsuya shouted, “This is dangerous! Even for Haru!”
“I had my suspicions… I should’ve trusted my gut.” Nao murmured miserably, hand slightly trembling with guilt.
“It’s what Haru wants.” Makoto’s voice reverberated across the hall loud and clear. Eyes unwavering as he looked at each and everyone of them, “All we can do now is wait for him to wake up. There’s no use fighting over the matter.”
“Makoto’s right.” Rin spoke up, “We already did the scolding to Haru. Let’s just wait.”
Ikuya reached over and patted his brother’s shoulder, “He will be fine. Let’s believe in him.”
The fire in Ikuya’s eyes was bright, stunning the rest of the group.
And so, they did.
After a few hours of waiting, a doctor approached them, signaling for everyone to stand up.
“Are you all with Nanase Haruka?” The doctor asked.
“Yes, how is he, doctor?” Nagisa replied anxiously.
Everyone waited in bated breaths, listening intently on what the doctor would say.
“Nanase’s condition is stable, but he will have to be confined for a month for thorough checking and recovery.” Everyone heaved a sigh of relief, “It was good that he was immediately brought to the hospital, I can only imagine what would’ve happened the longer he was out there.”
“Your friend sustained severe muscle strains on his shoulders, back, and legs. He also almost had a cardiac arrest. His body condition is in terrible shape, and he is suffering from extreme fatigue. I won’t be surprised if his mental state is in disarray too.”
Makoto knew the severity of Haru’s condition, but to hear it from a specialized doctor’s lips, he felt his heart thunder with guilt. Nose flaring as his lower lip trembled.
The doctor sighed and shook his head, “I swear, you young athletes. The moment you get a taste of victory, you start having a taste for a death wish.”
“The reason why the tests you all did kept coming out us good was thanks to his naps. It gave him the rest he needed and the chance to recover as much as possible. But this shouldn’t be repeated again. I don’t know what would happen the next time he attempts this.”
Once the doctor voiced all of his thoughts, he left after promising to come back to check on his condition.
“Oh Haru, what do I do with you?” Asahi groaned, “That guy’s gone crazy!”
“He’s a badass.” Sousuke commented casually, shrugging as everyone looked at him, “He just beat the world’s fastest swimmer. Haru basically holds that title now.”
“But still! We should make sure Haruka-senpai never pulls that stunt again!” Guo cried, “He could’ve died!”
“At least he’s okay now. Let’s focus on that.” Kisume said gently, a genuine smile appearing on his face, “Come on, the big guy must be awake now.”
At ten, you are a prodigy.
At fifteen, you are a genius.
But by twenty, you become ordinary.
Maybe… maybe not.
But even if you become an ordinary person…
Haru closed his eyes as he took a deep breath.
A month after his discharge at the hospital, and another month of rehab abroad, he began traveling to compete.
Now, with his mind racing with countless images, all of which was him facing the water, he chuckled.
“I can wait a little longer before becoming an ordinary person.” He murmured.
Because even ordinary people get stuck within the trenches of life.
But it never meant that they were bound to remain there forever.
Why does Nanase Haruka swim?
The water is alive.
…Keep swimming.
Simple.
To be free.