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On the shore of the island, Cardan sits in a fur lined cloak, regal on a dappled grey steed. He is surrounded by knights in armor in gold and green. To one side of him is Madoc, on a sturdy roan. To the other is Nuihar. The trees are full of archers. The hammered gold of the oak leaves on Cardan’s crown seems to glow in the dimming light of sunset.
I am shaking. I fear I may shake apart.
Orlagh speaks from her place at the center of our procession. “King of Elfhame, as we agreed, now that you have paid my price, I have secured the safe return of your seneschal. And I bring her to you escorted by the new Ambassador of the Undersea, Balekin, of the Greenbriar line, son of Eldred, your brother. We hope this choice will please you, since he knows so many customs of the land.”
Cardan’s face is impossible to read. He doesn’t look at his brother. Instead, his gaze goes to me. Everything in his demeanor is icy.
I am small, diminished, powerless.
I tried to focus on the conversation, but the words started to drown out. It seemed impossible, standing there. I felt as if my feet were going to give out any second, one minor blow of the wind and I would have toppled over.
“Help her?” says Cardan. “She ought to need no help. You have kept her in the damp and cold for too long.”
“Perhaps you no longer want her,” says Orlagh. “Perhaps you would bargain for something else in her place, King of Elfhame.”
“I will have her,” he says, sounding both possessive and contemptuous at once.
He bargained with Orlagh just to have me back.
Just as I try to think my way through as to how my return benefits him, a solid hand rests on my back, guiding me forward. I’ve spent so long down in the cold Undersea that I am acutely aware of how warm the hand is. I look up, expecting some sort of knight from Madoc’s estate to be by my side. Instead, it is the High King of Elfhame himself that had gotten off his steed to direct me. I feel a blush start to bloom on my cheeks, too tired to hide how much I’ve ached to see him again.
“We are not yet at war,” says Orlagh. “Nor are we yet at peace. Consider well your next move, king of the land, now that you know the cost of defiance.”
King of the land.
It was thrown around, carefully worded like an insult. I felt Cardan’s hand clench a bit on my back, but he did not indicate anger otherwise.
“King of Elfhame, my daughter is to be returned to my Estate. If you may–”
Madoc was quickly silenced as the High King stared at him. Words did not need to convey the refusal of his question. Madoc only stepped back, protests forming on the edge of his lips as he let us go. Cardan hoisted himself up onto the steed, pulling me up after him. I felt fragile, almost swaying off onto the ground before reaching out and holding the edges of the saddle.
Cardan quickly turned on the steed, leaving Madoc and the Undersea behind. The trees that ran by became blurs to my eyesight, the wind threatening me to blow away in it. I struggled finding a good hold on the saddle, and to my dismay, reached out and wrapped my arms around Cardan's waist.
It’s better to be like this than make a fool of myself.
We arrived in front of the palace after what seemed like ages, the sunset casting a soft glow through the trees. Cardan slowly got off of the horse, forcing me to let go of the tight grip I wasn’t aware of holding. He rubbed the horse’s snout softly before reaching a hand towards me. While I would usually try to protect my pride, I took it, slowly setting my feet onto the ground. He wrapped his arm around me, and I lightly leaned against him as he walked me inside into the palace, down through the halls.
I spent so long waiting, dreaming of Cardan down in the Undersea, that I wasn’t sure if this was real. That I was going to wake up, and have it be another set of imagined hopes. I felt weak, weaker than I ever had before. I felt the edges of my vision blurring together, shapes becoming mingled. I tried to slow my breathing, not realizing it had gotten ahead of my own pace.
For a moment, it felt like tears were corrupting my vision. Maybe they were. I was too tired to try to control anything at this point. I couldn’t keep up anymore, feeling myself take one last step before collapsing.
.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·.
I woke up in the High King’s bed, tucked underneath the coverlets. My head was pounding, and my throat was dry. I slowly sat up, glancing outside the window and noticing it was dusk.
How long was I asleep for?
I slowly moved my legs off to the edge of the bed before seeing the High King snoozing lightly on the couch. I tried to be quiet, but the second I stood up he was awake. I tensed up and froze, waiting for some kind of reaction. Cardan only stared at me, a gleam of worry in his eyes. Or maybe that’s just what I wanted to see after all of this time.
“How long have I been out?” I asked.
“Two days. You’ve been gone for a little over a month.” Cardan said softly, slowly standing up. He was dressed in a plain white undershirt and black leggings, tail idly pattering the floor. He opened his mouth, words forming on his tongue before I abruptly stood up. I felt wobbly. I felt wrong. “Excuse me, but I must go wash at once–”
Cardan nodded, fetching a servant for food and water as I stepped into the washroom. Everything about this seemed too casual. As if I didn’t just waste a little over a month down in the Undersea. As if I didn’t miss my sister’s wedding. As if I hadn’t wasted part of my time with Cardan’s deal.
A year and one day, and not a second more.
I start to run the warm water, slowly sinking into it and sighing heavily as my muscles loosened. While I was not so eager to be near water–I welcomed this small introduction. I leaned my head to the side, resting it on the cool porcelain and fell asleep.
I was awoken to a light prodding of my shoulder, opening up my eyes to see Cardan's face. My cheeks heated up, my body shaking as the bath water had turned cold.
“I don’t mean to intrude on you like this, but you’ve been in here for a couple of hours.” Cardan spoke softly, staring at me with uncertainty. I nodded, agreeing to get out. He left the washroom and I stood up, grabbing a towel and drying myself off. I grabbed the clothes off of the counter–a sweatshirt and leggings. Clothes from the mortal world. As I put them on, I caught sight of myself in the mirror.
For a moment, I don’t know the person looking back at me. I am horrified at what I see–my skin has a sickly pallor, and my weight has dropped enough to make my limbs look frail, and sticklike, my face gaunt.
I turn away, feeling shameful. I finish getting dressed and drag myself out of the washroom. Cardan is sitting on the couch again, and there is a tray of breads and cheeses, berries and crackers. There was a pitcher of water next to it, along with a steaming cup of nettle tea. I sway as I walk myself over to it, sitting down on the bed before my body gives out. I wrap my hands around the tea, letting the warmth spread through my hands and into my body.
I try not to think about the informality of it all. Cardan turning down Madoc’s request to keep me, falling asleep in his sheets and using his rooms as if they were my own.
And did you get it out of your system?
I push down the memory immediately. I glanced over at Cardan, who had been oddly quiet. He made a bargain to get me back. I try not to think about the emotional implications of it. As if hearing me, he cleared his throat. “Are you feeling well?”
It was such a mild question, one that felt like it should have layers. I didn’t answer him, instead I drank the tea, forgetting how thirsty and starving I was. I set down the tea and drank the pitcher of water to the dregs before starting to eat the food that was provided. I glanced out the window again, and it must have been well past midnight. “Don’t you have certain. . . duties to attend to?” I ask.
He stares blankly at me for a moment before shaking his head. “You’re impossible.”
I frown as I finish the rest of the food, shaking slightly from the lack of heat within the room. Cardan seems to notice. He gets up, lighting a small fire within the furnace before picking up a blanket off of the arm chair. He walks over to me and drapes it around my body. I can’t help but feel thankful, and it must have shown in my eyes. “You’re welcome,” he said, with that stupid, arrogant smirk.
I was too tired to make a retort, and when I looked up, I found myself stunned by his beauty again. He looked every bit as regal as he did the night before I was taken. I don’t know why, but I started crying. The agony of the past month took a toll on my body, and my mental state even more so. I looked down at my feet, violently wiping away my tears out of anger for showing such vulnerability.
I felt arms wrap around me, and I sobbed. I reached forward and gripped Cardan’s undershirt tightly, pulling him closer. I soaked his shirt pathetically, but I decided to let it go. Casual and informal seemed to be the theme for tonight. I cried, I cried for everything I had endured up until this point—-the constant undermindment, the unpleasant tricks, stabbing my own hand, ruling an entire kingdom by myself, playing politics, and being taken away by the Undersea.
My tears seemed to be unstoppable, but Cardan was still there. One hand trailed up and down my back, the other plunged into my hair. I don’t even know how long Cardan had to stand there. Whatever time had passed, I pulled back, hot shame burning into me. Cardan was staring at me with a look of...concern? I wasn’t sure. He cradled my cheek, and I leaned into it.
“It’s going to be okay.”
I wasn’t sure if I heard him right, it was very unlike Cardan to be reassuring. I instead pretend I didn’t hear him, because if I did, the gates to my eyes would open up again. Cardan slowly got onto the bed, and emotions be damned. “Can I lay with you?” I ask. A playful, but caring smile came to his lips, “Of course.”
I let him find a right position before I removed the blanket off of myself and turned toward him. In this setting, he seemed calmer, almost loving. I moved over and crawled into his arms. He placed one arm around me, the other resting underneath my head. I felt his furred tail lightly wrapping around my ankle, the tuft swishing back and forth.
Here, in his arms, I almost forget that I hate him. That I don’t want this. His soft, black curls falling around his head, those precious, cruel lips... I was brought back to reality when his long fingers started tracing the curve of my ear. My face heated up as I tried looking into his eyes. “Must you always remind me how painfully mortal I am?” I said with a frown.
He tilted his head down towards me, hand staying in place. He whispered softly. “I think you’re beautiful.”
Faeries can’t lie.
While I thought I was past the small interactions, my body clearly wasn’t. I tucked my head down into my chest, exhaling softly. Crying took what little energy I had left. Cardan gently lifted my chin and started rubbing underneath my eyes. It was a touch I did not know I craved. I melted into his hands, letting my muscles relax within his presence.
“I was scared I lost you. Down there. I was angry, angrier at myself than I had ever been when you were beneath the sea.”
The confession sounded somewhat surreal, or maybe I was too tired to believe the weight of his words. I did not know how to respond, and if I did, I’m not sure it would be as meaningful. I stared at his inhuman beauty, and against my better judgement, I kissed him. His lips were cruel and soft, a welcome reprieve. He kissed me back, gentle and passionate.
We stay like that for a while, exchanging silent, overdue kisses. Once tired and pulled away, I tucked my head into his chest, relaxing into his presence. “I was scared I lost you, too. I had many dreams. . . I don’t believe you were absent from any of them,” I confessed.
His hand was on my back, caressing me softly, and in that moment, I let myself go, along with my pride, although did it even remain intact? From the exhaustion of the Undersea, and crying my heart out, my eyes closed. I felt Cardan press a small kiss to my head, and I smiled as I drifted off into a peaceful sleep.