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When you lose someone you loved so dearly, you find them in everything. When you drink coffee, you think about how they like theirs, so unbearably sweet and syrupy. You see them in the clothes you wear, in your daily walks from home to school, and in the children you help now with their quirks. You see them everywhere so much, even in the people around you. And sometimes, those people become unbearable. Why them and not my lover? It’s not fair to think that way, but the human mind is a doomed little thing because despite not wanting to you, it always drifts back to them.
When Uraraka Ochako, eight years after Himiko’s death, was still finding that girl everywhere
The most repulsive place she found her was in the blonde tufts of unruly hair of her boyfriend’s best friend. The same texture of hair, the way it stuck out everywhere was the same. The similar intense eyes, and the same pale skin…
Katsuki lived while Himiko didn’t, and Ochaco couldn’t help the envy that bubbled when she saw Izuku smile at Katsuki.
Ochako thought about what Himiko could’ve been if she had been saved the same way Katsuki was. Would she give up her life of villainy? Would she run away, far away, and settle somewhere to live a quaint life? Maybe she would’ve spent the rest of her life in prison. Even still, ochako could still go and see her. She would’ve been far, but she would've been alive. Somewhere, she would think and wonder what Ochako was up to, they would’ve been penpals, talking about their crushes and the boys they liked. Uraraka would never tell her Himiko was the one she loved.
Maybe Ochaco would tell her, treasuring the time they had more. Maybe she’d build up the courage and tell her exactly how she felt like she did that day. How would Himiko react? Ochaco will never know.
They would’ve just been girls together, away from heroism and villainy, away from right and wrong, away from everything. In a world where there was only them, and no one to bother them.
But this was stolen from her. It was stolen and given to Izuku, who always got whatever he wanted.
Had the world always been so unfair? Why couldn’t she be with Himiko? Why does Izuku always get what he wants? Ochaco thinks about how Himoko’s expression would be looking at her. Would it resemble the way Katsuki looks at her boyfriend? Full of adoration, love, and respect?
When Izuku came up to her and said all those things. She did feel her heart race; she did feel good, and she said yes to being his girlfriend because she genuinely wanted to be with him. She liked him, she really did.
But what she didn’t realize was how much more she would be seeing Katsuki and seeing her in him. They looked uncannily similar. Wasn’t it so cruel? They both died the same day, but only one rose again. They both died for someone they loved, but only one rose again. They both had devoted themselves to the one they loved, but only one rose. They died in the same battle, for the same cause, with the same intentions, how come only Katsuki made it? Couldn’t this have been the same as well?
Without wanting to, Ochako looked at Katsuki a lot. When he worried for Izuku, she wondered if Himiko would make the same face. When he laughed, Ochaco would narrow her eyes to look at him closer. His laugh didn’t resemble hers. His was more of a bark; his eyebrows knotted in a way that would make one think he was annoyed, but the tug of his lips painted a different picture.
Ochaco had nothing to prove it, but Himiko’s smile was the prettiest she had ever seen.
Her eyes were sharp, but when they were upturned, she looked like a gentle cat. The corner of her eyes was forming smile lines, Ochaco remembered that, because during their last fight, Himiko wasn’t smiling. She didn’t realize then how much she missed it, her smiling face. She hated it, but she barely remembered it.
Katsuki was the closest thing he had to her, but his smile wasn’t the same. And so, whenever Katsuki smiled, Ochaco had to look away.
She can’t be reminded of how when she thinks of Himiko smiling, Katsuki’s face pops up. She can’t be reminded of how she’s forgetting her face. She had no pictures, no videos. She had nothing to remember her. All she had was Katsuki. And he loved Izuku, not her. He loved her goddamn boyfriend.
Izuku must’ve noticed how she was looking at him, her not-quite-subtle glances at Katsuki, how she stared. So, he asked her.
“Ochaco-chan. Do you..like Kacchan?”
His lips were pursed when he said that, fiddling with the golden band on his finger. He seemed to be looking away, anxious, but all for the wrong reasons. He whispered Katsuki’s name like a silent prayer, /anyone but him/. Ochcaco looked at him, her gaze unwavering. She was a busy bee now, living the life she dreamt of came with an extremely packed schedule. She was too tired for this.
“What are you talking about?” Her voice came out harsher than she wanted, but looking at Izuku act so.. Possessive of Katsuki reminded her that she had no one to feel that way towards. She never felt possessive of Izuku.
“You look at him a lot lately, and for a while. If.. you feel something for him I’d rather you share it with me..”
Ochaco bit her lip, feeling hurt for some reason. “Do you think I’m being unfaithful?’ She whispered, lowering and hiding her gaze behind her ebony bangs.
Izuku jumped, instantly gripping her soft hand. His scars were so jagged that that whenever they held hands, she always felt them, That, too, reminded her of that day. The day she lost Himiko.
Her hand was limp in his, and she had to bite the inside of her cheek to stop the waterworks. “Ochaco! You- you know that’s not what I meant!” He seemed panicked now, a trait she used to love, but now? She didn’t hate Izuku, she liked him, yes. But being with him was so /painful/.
Every day she spent with him, seeing him with Katsuki, was a painful, unwelcome, and exhausting reminder that this is what she and Himiko could’ve had. But they didn’t, and once more she saw Izuku get everything she ever wanted so easily.
“Izuku-kun, do you still love me?”
Izuku seemed taken aback, his grip loosening. But, he hesitated. “I..do.”
“You don't sound very believable.” There was a hint of humor in her voice, as she lifted he head to look at him. God, every mark and dent on his skin reminded her of that day. How has she been able to cope for this long? Why did she want to be with him again?
“You want to know why I look at Bakugo-kun, right?” Izuku seemed confused, his eyebrows furrowed in a worrying knot. Carefully, he nodded.
“He’s the closest thing I have to her.”
She thought Izuku understood when she saw something flicker in her eyes. But seeing his head tilt after processing her words, she recognized what she saw in his eyes as relief. But that made her feel worse. Slowly, his expression turned into a knowing look. And he tilted his head down to look at her lap.
“izuku -kun, why do you always get what you want?”
He answered with silence, something she didn’t want.
“Why is it that you get every single thing you ever want? What did you do differently?”
She slipped her hand out of his and looked away.
“I’ve never wanted much in my life, I never asked for much. I was always grateful for everything I had, even though I didn’t have much. I was always grateful, I was always... Izuku, what did you do to deserve this more than me?”
It was too late now, she couldn’t stop. And izuku couldn't start, not even a single peep left his mouth.
“We lost Bakugo-kun and Himiko the same day, why did only you get him back? How come i didn’t? Did I deserve a love like that less than you? What have i done wrong?”
Izuku looked like he finally had something to say, opening his mouth but closing it again. It was 11 pm on Thursday, they both had work tomorrow, and they both had a busy schedule ahead. But Ochaco couldn't stop.
“ Was it because she was a villain?”
“Ochcaco, you know that’s not-”
“Then why? Why her? Why me? Why didn’t she get to live? Why did he get to live? Why not her?”
Her voice started getting louder, shakier, more desperate. Why? why? Why? All these questions that no one would answer.
“You don't mean that.” He seemed to be mad at that, a layer of warning in his tone.
But Ochaco pretended she didn’t hear.
“I want to know. Every day I have to look at him, and God they look so alike. I have to look at him and pretend everything’s okay, and I don't wish every single day that it was her who had lived instead!”
Ochaco wasn’t a violent person, and she seldom yelled. But now, she couldn’t help it. Hot tears dripped from the corner of her eyes, and she glared at Izuku. Izuku didn’t look too happy either, his brow furrowing with a hint of agitation, he was always like this when Katsuki was brought up in a negative light.
“Ochaco, don’t say anything you won’t mean.”
She wiped her face with the back of her hand, ‘You are so lucky, Izuku-kun. You are so..so lucky. You saw him die but he still came back to you, how come you don’t realize how lucky you are?”
His anger seemed to dissipate, and his eyes watered a little bit, too. At the end of the day, neither of them hated each other. They had been through the toughest times together, and they had seen each other at their worst and supported them. Again, the human mind is a foolish little thing.
He stood up and stepped closer, warmly embracing her into a gentle hug. “Why..why didn’t you join him?” She asked, and he knew what she was referring to.
“You know why.” He whispered back.
“I know, but it’s not enough. Izuku-kun, he died for you. He died for you, and he lived for you, what more could he have done? Don’t you understand? You’re not supposed to be with me. If… Himiko had survived, and I would not have let a single day pass by where I didn't love her with everything I had in me. You are making a mistake.”
Izuku’s grip tightened, and he sighed. “You don't..understand. I can’t just leave. What about you?”
“Being with you is killing me because everything about you and Bakugo-kun reminds me of her, and I can't keep doing this.”
She felt Izuku go stiff, understanding the implication of her words.
She let him go, pulling back to look straight into his eyes. “ We can’t be together, Izuku-kun.” She slowly slid the promise ring off of her finger, and a sad smile stretched her lips. Silent tears streaked down her face, mirroring Izuku’s own. “I love you, but not like that. We both know who we truly want, the only difference is that the one you want is right there with you. Waiting.”
Izuku cried and nodded. He slid his own ring off and he hugged her again, tight. “I’m sorry for doing this to you... I had no idea..” he hiccupped. She sniffled and nodded too, “Sorry for saying mean things about Bakugo-kun.” she didn’t say anything more.
When she went home, back into the apartment. The breakup barely seemed to be affecting her. When she lay in bed, sleep foreign, she thought. She hadn’t lost Izuku, they both understood each other. But the last string she had of Himiko was gone. Himiko will always be in her mind, but she knew, now looking at Katsuki wouldn't be the same.
Ochaco Uraraka didn’t cry that night, but she slept lighter. Thinking that even if she couldn’t have her Himiko, at least Izuku and Katsuki could have each other.