Chapter Text
It's always the slight pit in my stomach that wakes me up. Anxiety just powerful enough to not need an alarm, which might be a heaven sent if it wasn’t always 4am. Without fail. I could fall asleep at 3am and still open my eyes before the sun rises.
That’s where I am. Blankly staring at the ceiling in the dark. I hear Darry moving around almost-silently in the kitchen. That means it's a few hours until I should even be up.
Pony’s arm is heavily thrown across me and his soft snores fill the otherwise empty room. I still myself and try to detect a twitch in his foot, or more rapid breathing. That’s what I do in the hours I should be asleep. I try to soothe the kid outta his nightmares before they can happen. Sometimes he whines in his sleep, like he’s in pain. And it hurts me.
I risk him waking up to hold him tighter. He grunts and stirs slightly, but nuzzles into my shoulder with a contented sigh.
I can barely hold back the sudden onslaught of tears behind my eyes. I couldn’t tell you why I’m even crying. I just… I don't know what I would do without ‘em both.
What would they do without me?
Anything, probably.
It scares me a little bit, the thought that they wouldn’t care.
I shake the thoughts out of my head, freezing when Pony grumbles and flutters one eye open.
“Soda? You cryin’?”
I now notice the wet dripping along my nose, so I bury my face into the pillow, feigning sleep.
“Naw. G’back t’sleep, Pone.”
He lazily shrugs and rolls onto his back, snores picking back up.
Shit.
I kind of just lay there, staring at the ceiling, listening to the silence. You can get pretty good at listening to silence if you try hard enough. Maybe there’s the faintest sound of crickets outside, or the air conditioner, or even your own breathing.
Mama said I was born with a gift to understand everything and everyone. I listen to and understand Pony when he cries to me about the way that Darry doesn’t let up on him. I listened to Mickey Mouse, learned all his tells; when he was hungry, when he was upset, when he was content. And so I listen to the silence, trying to understand it. I can’t quite yet.
I don’t know if I get any sleep but eventually the sun goes up and Darry comes into the room to wake us up.
“Oh, hey little buddy. Didn’t realize you were up already. You okay?”
I’m kinda the lazy brother. No wonder he’s surprised.
I wave him off.
“Yeah, ‘m fine, Superman. Just, uh, real excited for today- Steve says he’s gonna treat us to some Cokes during work.”
Darry smiles slightly and I know I did my job right. He hardly ever smiles anymore.
He ruffles my hair.
“Sounds like a nice treat, Pepsi. Let me know if Steve wants me to pay ‘im back, okay?”
I shake my head, “Naw, Darry, you know anyone in th’gang would rather eat glass than have you pay them back.”
He rolls his eyes slightly, but can’t wipe the smile off his face. Score.
“Let ‘em eat glass, then.” he laughs, “Alright, now I gotta head out. I booked some extra hours for today, so I’m gonna be home late. Breakfast is on the stove and dinner’s in the fridge. Can you wrangle Pony?”
I nod and grin, “Yessir.”
He smiles slightly again, but this time it’s laced with a bit of sadness and I falter.
Fuck, I messed up, didn’t I…
He doesn’t seem to notice my face falling slightly as he grabs the keys to the truck and walks towards the door.
“Think you can stay up a bit tonight, bud? I’m gonna need your magic hands when I get home today. Back’s been killin’ me.”
I laugh, “Okay, old man.”
He shoots me a sharp but playful glare and steps out the door, shutting it behind him.
I try to fill my lungs with as much air as possible before I let out a long sigh.
I look over at Pony, wishing I didn’t have to wake him up. I know school’s been rough for him.
School was rough for me, too, but I pussied out and just dropped out.
Pony’s better than that. I know he is.
I reach over to shake his shoulder.
“Pones? Time to get up…”
He grumbles something like ‘5 more minutes’ and I roll my eyes playfully.
I shake him harder, “Better get up or I’m eating all the eggs.”
That gets him up real fast, alright.
His voice is slurred with sleep, “‘M up, ‘m up.”
I laugh, “Alright bud, c’mon, I got work and you got school.”
He lets out the longest, most angsty sigh I’ve ever heard, but sits up more, cracking his back.
Almost unconsciously, I crack my neck and knuckles in return.
I hop out of bed into my jeans for the week. I know, it’s gross, but hey if they ain’t stained, they ain’t dirty ‘nuff. I also throw on a white t-shirt and lay out my DX shirt and hat. I don’t usually wear the hat, but I keep it around in case the manager decides to check up on us.
I hurry to the bathroom, knowing Pony’ll have my hide if I’m not quick. Kid scares me sometimes.
I spray this new Gillette deodorant stuff under my arms in lieu of a shower, seeing as I don’t have much of the energy to these days, brush my teeth, and spend the rest of the time greasing up my hair.
I ain’t as stylish as Two-Bit, but I ain’t as careless as Steve, god bless his soul. I find my hair and face are my only redeeming qualities, so I gotta make sure they look at least alright.
On my way out of the bathroom, I side-step a messy-haired Pony, on his way to take what he calls a shower– a bar of soap vaguely rubbed through his hair just to get yesterday’s grease out.
I walk over to the kitchen, plating up Ponyboy’s eggs and bacon.
I usually give him the majority. I’m not usually hungry enough to eat much unless I’m around people, and I’d die before throwing food away, not to mention Lord knows Pony needs the food. Kid’s skinnier than a stick and somehow runs track.
I eat up my share just in time for Pony to emerge from the bathroom, more awake and fully dressed and greased.
“He’s alive!” I exclaim.
Pony rolls his eyes and tries to hide his smile with a yawn but I see. Like Mickey Mouse, I know his tells.
I glance at the clock and grimace.
“You good to walk to school, Pony? I gotta head out…”
He nods and starts on his eggs.
“Yeah, socs’re playin’ nice right now.”
I silently breathe a sigh of relief and nod, running to grab my DX shirt and hat before sliding out the door, house keys jingling.
I barely have time to lock the door when I hear a beep.
Steve waves at me with his crooked grin through the windshield of his car.
I grin back.
I ain’t liked school anyway.