Chapter Text
Sue Richards was used to strange things.
Her brother could set himself on fire. Her husband could stretch like a rubber band. Her best friend was made of literal rocks. Very few things in life could still surprise her. But hearing an urgent, frantic pounding on her bedroom door at two in the morning? That was new.
"SUE! OPEN UP! THIS IS LIFE OR DEATH!"
Sue groaned, burying her face deeper into her pillow. Nope. Not happening. Not today.
The pounding came again. Louder this time. More insistent. Like someone was trying to break down the door.
"SUE, COME ON! I’LL BREAK IT DOWN MYSELF!"
Sue slowly dragged her face from the pillow. Her brain wasn't even functional enough for a full thought. Is it a prank? Is he on fire again? Is there a giant rat? Or worse... an emergency involving me getting out of bed?
"SUE! I’M ABOUT TO DO SOMETHING SO DRAMATIC YOU’LL HATE ME FOREVER!"
Sue shoved herself out of bed, snatching the pillow off her mattress like a weapon. "Johnny," she growled, voice thick with sleep, "if you’re on fire, go jump in the Hudson. If the building's on fire, call Reed. If the world’s on fire, go wake up the Avengers. I’m not in the mood for this nonsense."
The door flung open, and in came Johnny, with his hair sticking up like he’d just had a fight with a blender. His face was red with panic, his eyes wild, and he was practically bouncing off the walls.
"It’s worse," he said, spinning around in circles like an over-caffeinated toddler on roller skates.
Sue raised an eyebrow, blinking at him. "Worse than the world being on fire?"
Johnny grabbed her by the shoulders, not even waiting for a response, shaking her like she was a maraca. "I NEED YOU TO TEACH ME HOW TO TALK TO GIRLS!"
Sue’s brain took a moment to process the words. "What?"
Johnny, completely oblivious to Sue's confusion, launched into his tirade. "I CAN’T DO IT, SUE! I’VE TRIED EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING! And now my entire social life is crumbling before my very eyes. Help me! You’re the only one who can save me!"
Sue just stared at him, her face frozen in the kind of look that only an older sibling can give—completely done with everything, but strangely fascinated. "Are you... having a stroke?"
Johnny let out an exasperated sigh, throwing his arms in the air like he was auditioning for a dramatic soap opera. "NO, SUE! I’M HAVING A CRISIS!"
Sue’s expression didn’t change. She just leaned against the doorframe, clearly not moved by his theatrics. "Johnny," she said, voice low and tired, "You are literally a walking crisis. What do you mean you can’t talk to girls? You flirt with everything that has a heartbeat."
"I can’t!" Johnny shouted, flopping onto the bed like a cartoon character who’s had too many punches to the head. "It’s different this time! She’s not just some... whatever! She’s... different!" His voice cracked like a teenager going through his first breakup.
Sue blinked, pausing for a moment. Then, slowly, her interest piqued. "You like someone?"
Johnny sat bolt upright, his face turning as red as his fiery nickname. "DO NOT ASK ME ANY QUESTIONS YOU DON’T WANT THE ANSWERS TO!"
Sue put a hand to her chin, a mischievous smirk tugging at the corner of her lips. "Oh, I want the answers, Johnny. You finally care about someone other than yourself?"
"No!" Johnny squeaked, flailing his hands. "I mean... Yes? No? I don't even know anymore!"
Sue rolled her eyes so hard she was pretty sure she could see her own brain. "Okay, well, what exactly do you need help with? You literally live in chaos, and now you're asking me how to talk to some girl? Johnny, you’re out of your depth here, but you know what? This is hilarious."
Johnny grabbed her by the shoulders again, but this time he was less frantic, more... needy. "I need a plan! I need strategies! I need—"
"Sue Richards: Relationship Guru?" Sue interrupted, crossing her arms. "Really? You want me to teach you how to flirt? How to not be a human disaster?"
Johnny’s eyes were wide and desperate, like she held the last ticket to a concert he was too late for. "Yes! Exactly! You’re like... you’re the mature one. You have a family, you... you understand relationships! Help me, Sue, please! I’ll do anything!"
Sue’s lip curled into a smirk. "Anything?"
"Anything!" Johnny insisted, voice cracking under the weight of his desperation.
Sue thought for a second, then—without missing a beat—said, "You’ll stop pranking me for a week. No pranks. No fake spiders. No putting hot sauce in my coffee. Nothing."
Johnny’s face twisted in a mixture of betrayal and disbelief. "A week? Sue! That's like, half my personality!"
Sue raised an eyebrow. "You asked for my help, didn’t you? No pranks."
Johnny let out a groan of pure agony. "Fine, fine! A week! A week! Whatever, just help me, Sue!" He flopped onto the floor like he’d been hit by a truck. "I’m dying here. I can’t even look at her without sounding like a complete idiot!"
Sue considered for a moment, leaning back against the doorframe. She didn’t even bother to hide the amusement in her voice. "So, you do like her."
Johnny froze. Then, in the most Johnny Storm way possible, he shouted, "I NEED A MONTAGE!"
Sue stared at him, slack-jawed. "A montage?"
"YES! A FULL TRAINING MONTAGE! MENTAL PREP AND EVERYTHING! YOU KNOW, LIKE THOSE COOL MONTAGES WHERE YOU—"
"No."
Johnny slumped. "You can’t just say no to a montage! It’s literally the best part of every training movie ever!"
Sue threw her hands up in exasperation. "Fine! We can’t have a montage. But if you think I’m going to start giving you love life advice at two in the morning, you’ve got another thing coming."
"But I—" Johnny started.
"No, no! You’re waking me up at two in the morning, and now you want me to guide you through the fine art of talking to girls?" Sue leaned in, crossing her arms. "No, Johnny. You’re not getting a montage. You're going to get one solid piece of advice. Do you want it?"
Johnny hesitated, his face full of expectation. "YES!"
Sue grinned, the look of a sister who’s so done but still enjoys making her sibling sweat. "Stop thinking you're a walking disaster. Talk to her like you’re a normal human being and not a flame-throwing circus act."
Johnny stared at her in horror. "That’s it?"
Sue straightened. "That’s it. You want a miracle, you call someone else. You want to make a move without causing a global incident, ask her how her day was. Start small."
Johnny’s face was a mixture of awe and disbelief. "You think that will work?"
Sue shrugged. "Don’t know. Don’t care. But it’ll be a hell of a lot better than what you’re currently doing."
Johnny threw his arms up. "THIS IS SO MUCH WORK, SUE!"
Sue rolled her eyes. "You asked for help, Johnny. So get on with it. Now, let’s go. If you really want this to happen, you better be prepared to face the consequences."
Johnny looked at her like she’d just handed him the keys to the kingdom. "Okay, but like... can I at least get a pep talk montage next time?"
Sue narrowed her eyes. "Johnny, I swear to god, you’re lucky I didn’t send you to Reed for this."
Johnny grinned. "That’s a great idea! I’ll make a list of questions!"
Sue sighed, rubbing her temples. "Worse than Galactus."