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1.
Haruka doesn’t particularly think of himself as someone nice. Someone kind .
He helps his grandma cook every day. He buys snacks for Minami when he’s deeply focused on his composing. He watches superhero action movies with Torao. He accompanies Touma to places he wants to go. He doesn’t think of these things as being kind. Not particularly.
Sometimes, Haruka wonders if Kujo Takamasa thought abandoning him was an act of kindness. Calling him worthless and a failure before muttering that meaningless and unforgivable trash of an ‘apology’. If that was his version of kindness, then Haruka has a few colorful choices of words to say, none of them pretty.
No . Kindness is Kujo Tenn running a hand down Haruka’s back quietly. It’s him sitting down next to him on the floor of Haruka’s greenroom while squeezing his hand reassuringly, uncaring of how wrinkled his clothes are getting from his sitting position.
Haruka isn’t sure if it was a panic attack. It came without warning, seemingly for no reason, and he absolutely hates it. He started crying the moment he stepped into his green room. He’s not sobbing or choking, but his eyes are very wet and there’s heaviness in his chest. Everything in between is fuzzy and confusing, but Kujo Tenn’s hand against his back is warm and comforting. When Haruka moves to lean against his shoulder, Kujo Tenn allows him. He’s not sure when Tenn arrived, but his touches are comforting. The older idol has always been really good at that. Of making his presence warm and there.
Once he regains his composure, he mumbles a small thank you though he’s unsure if Tenn can actually hear it, only brushing his lips against Haruka’s temple. Haruka pulls himself away from Tenn’s shoulder a few seconds later, suddenly shy over that. Tenn glances towards him when he does so, giving him a gentle smile. It’s kind. It’s too kind. Haruka looks away, fiddling with his fingers, cheeks red. Tenn stays beside him for a few more moments.
They aren’t dating.
Not really. Maybe a little bit. Or not? Their friends who know how close they are often call them boyfriends, but they aren't that. They've never discussed it. Haruka doesn’t have a proper answer. He introduces Tenn as a friend when needed. But he does recognize that there is something here even if it is unlabeled and undefined. There’s something more , something that isn’t just friendship or acquaintanceship. Something that involves tender, intimate gestures and light kisses across the skin. It’s tangible but not enough for Haruka to grasp. It’s frustrating but thrilling at the same time. Kujo Tenn is frustrating and thrilling at the same time.
Tenn finally gets up, fixing up his wrinkled clothes with his hands until he looks presentable. He flashes another smile and Haruka’s heart thumps loudly. The worried glint in his eyes doesn’t fade.
“I’ll be fine .” Haruka insists firmly. “Go.”
“Alright.” Tenn sighs. “But you’ll let me know if you need me.”
It's not a request, it's a fact. Tenn doesn't allow him to answer his not-quite-question . He's leaving the green room with slow steps. Haruka observes his figure leave, the door closing quietly behind him. The heaviness in Haruka’s chest slowly goes away, replaced by something else. It's not as suffocating, but it's just as heavy. His heart burns .
It's not love.
2.
If a fan were to pick a word to describe sensational idol, Kujo Tenn; the word beautiful is definitely somewhere at the top of the list and Haruka can't disagree with that. Kujo Tenn embodies the word beautiful in so many ways, not just physical. Movement, demeanor, intelligence, and voice. Every part of him.
Kujo Tenn is bright, blindingly so. When he stands on the stage, smiling at his fans, gesturing towards them beckoningly, people tend to follow. Nanase Riku is also very bright but not in the same way. His light is warm and comforting, big eyes drawing you in and Haruka considers himself lucky. He's not a starstruck fan falling for the moonlight or sunlight. Instead, he stands beside them on stage not in front of it.
However, there are moments where he's teetering on the edge.
When Haruka says Kujo Tenn is beautiful, he means it all the time. Onstage, backstage, during outings, and when he's taking a break at home. On a random morning, the beautiful idol steps out of the spare bedroom in Haruka’s apartment. They don't typically have sleepovers (too risky and why would they) but Tenn finished a job last night that lasted until three in the morning and Haruka’s apartment was close by. Closer than Tenn’s.
Frankly, Tenn looks ridiculous. He slept at four in the morning and it's currently eleven in the afternoon. Extremely jarring for someone who usually woke up early. His gaze is dazed and his pink hair is sticking in odd directions. He groans softly when he slides into the dining room chair, crossing his arms across the table and burying his face in them.
Haruka observes all this from the living room couch, unable to hold back an amused snort. Tenn hears him and looks up to give Haruka an annoyed glare.
“You're going to be late,” Haruka says. He closes the laptop he was using and makes his way to the dining table.
Tenn shifts his position, leaning back against the chair now, and looks up at Haruka. Tenn rolls his eyes. “It's a holiday.”
“I know.” Haruka shrugs, taking a seat. “Don’t you still have to go home though?”
The older idol blinks up at the ceiling. Haruka half expects him to get up to start preparing and is surprised when Tenn shakes his head. Pretty lips quirk up into a heart-stopping smile. “Can I stay here until tomorrow?”
Haruka almost automatically responds. No. Kujo Tenn absolutely cannot stay here. A million different things run through Haruka’s mind. Possibilities about what could happen if people find out he's here . A part of him is stubborn in this decision, but another part of him- “Fine. But you're buying lunch.”
Tenn’s eyes sparkle. The sunlight that filters through the curtains gives him a warm glow. Haruka swallows. It's bright. Extremely. It does not matter that Kujo Tenn and his unbrushed hair are sitting in wrinkled pajamas without makeup in a badly lit-up kitchen. It's almost too much but Haruka stands strong.
He can't fall now.
3.
They're sleeping next to each other.
Tenn’s apartment is really nice and the idol knows how to decorate his space. It's cozy and Haruka especially likes the bedroom and its warm color palette. The windows overlooking the city skyline are really big and the view is just amazing. They've sat in front of it once or twice before to observe the sunset.
Haruka’s favorite time of day, however, is nighttime.
Tenn has always slept before midnight. It's become a habit since he can't seem to stay awake without struggling. So it's not a surprise that Haruka is awake, looking at Tenn’s sleeping face. The night sky over the cityscape is a magical view. Haruka likes seeing the expanse of the night sky and the sparkle of city lights. His heart thumps loudly at the sight of Kujo Tenn’s figure under the dim lights.
He looks like a painting and Haruka likes to see it. He traces Tenn’s features with his eyes, blushing when Tenn’s lips part slightly to breathe. Haruka buries his face in his pillow. He wants to look away, to pay attention to the city lights instead.
He doesn't.
His eyes look at his own starlight lying beside him, finding him even more dazzling than the ones hanging in the night sky. Haruka could've fallen asleep had the moment stretched further.
When he blinks, Tenn is frowning in his sleep, brows furrowed deeply and eyes squeezed tightly as if he wants to block something out. He shifts in his sleep, mumbling something incoherent.
Haruka sits up. He's not surprised.
Kujo Tenn is like starlight. Absolutely dazzling yet is completely out of reach. However, these moments during the night are not dazzling at all. It aches instead. Haruka reaches over and tucks Tenn’s hair behind his ear. He moves closer until he can hold him, kissing the top of his head and humming wordless songs under his breath. Nightmares are not something Tenn has often so the sight of it is always sad and unfair in many ways.
To think this person who's sacrificed so much can't so easily escape the things that torment him. So Haruka likes holding him during the night and letting go before the sun makes an appearance. His wish is to simply let this person know that he isn't alone. At all. Even during nights like this, there's someone.
It only takes a few moments for Tenn’s breathing to even out and for the nightmare to slowly retreat. Haruka sighs against his hair but does not let go.
He's grateful that Tenn trusts him.
His feelings are close to love.
4.
They've kissed often.
It's never anything deep or over the top. A few light brushes of lips and experimental pecks. Once, Tenn brushes his thumb against Haruka’s lower lip before kissing him, but that is as far as they've gone with kissing.
It's never anything desperate and Haruka isn't starving for it. It is nice, the small kisses. He likes the feeling of being kissed goodbye and goodnight. It's exciting in a way that's different from hugs and hand-holding.
He never thought he would slowly long for it in a way that stings.
Tenn had left, a project for TRIGGER had him going to another continent for three weeks. Haruka hasn't felt particular about it. He said goodbye and hugged Tenn before going back to his daily activities without thinking too much.
The longing hits him a week in. He was settling down for the night, going under his blankets. He only lay down for a few seconds before an unfamiliar feeling settled in his chest. It felt uncomfortable but not painful. Like his heart was being tugged at until he felt a sort of throbbing across his chest and stomach. He can't describe it in a way that satisfies him. He found himself looking for glimpses of pink hair and gentle eyes. It's a disappointing feeling every time he can't find them for obvious reasons. He waited. It felt ridiculous but he waited.
His chest tightened significantly the moment Tenn texted him about coming home in a few days.
He waited more.
The day Tenn returns home, Haruka rushes to his apartment with only his phone. In the back of his mind, Haruka feels a sort of panic. Not over Tenn or about his return, but about how fast Haruka is walking, and how each step made it hard to breathe.
Tenn looks a bit shocked when Haruka arrives. His suitcase is tucked in the corner of his living room, unopened, and he's still wearing his going-out clothes minus his carry-on bag and jacket. Haruka breathes deeply, his lungs aching. He glances around the room and back at Tenn. The tight feeling in his chest doesn't go away.
“Haruka? What-” Tenn stops abruptly. His eyes are wide as he looks at Haruka. Haruka just suddenly rushed towards him before kissing him.
Slowly Tenn’s surprise melts away and he returns the kiss, slow and gentle as always. His hand slides from Haruka’s cheek to his hair, his other hand settled at the base of Haruka’s neck, his thumb stroking the skin so slowly it's agonizing. He continues. He kisses more and more, and as it gets harder to breathe the more the tight feeling goes away. Haruka is breathless when he pulls away, gasping to take in the air he'd lost. He has no regrets. Especially when Tenn blushes like that.
Haruka gulps, pushing his head into Tenn’s shoulder, and tightly holds onto his waist. He feels a kiss being pressed onto his hairline. Tenn’s breath is very warm against Haruka’s skin. He shivers, pulling away slightly to leave a peck on Tenn’s jaw before returning to his shoulder.
“I missed you too.” Haruka hears him say.
ZOOL has been relentless in their teasing ever since they found out how close they are. How casually they touch and kiss each other. Haruka rolled his eyes the first time they joked about his and Tenn’s relationship.
He isn't in love with Kujo Tenn despite everyone seemingly saying otherwise. Haruka knows himself the best in the end and he knows it's true. What he feels for Tenn isn't that. Isn't deep enough for love. He's yet to fall into the pretty abyss. He misses Tenn, he yearns. It’s like a shooting star that moves slowly across the sky. He’s not in love.
Yet.
Slowly but surely-