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Luffy sat on the mast of The Thousand Sunny late one summer night, the ocean carrying a slight breeze that felt nice on his skin. He did this often, it helped him think. Something he had gotten used to was being alone. He had spent two years training on an island with just one man, which was far too un-exhilarating for him.
Of course, he had his crew, but he knew it could never truly be the same. He wore a proud smile in front of his nakama and he showed no fear in battle. Yet, deep down inside of him, he was a scared little boy. He needed his older brothers and he didn't know how he would be able to survive being alone.
He didn't know how to live instead of just surviving. His adventures felt less adventure-y and he felt halted in his mental quest to become King Of The Pirates. He hadn't been stopped physically, but there was a barrier restricting him from properly committing.
He just wishes Ace could be there to see him achieve his dream. When Luffy watched Ace’s Vivre card burn and felt the sticky crimson remains of his big brother invade his hands and clothing, the entire world stopped. It felt as if everything Luffy had ever dreamed of crashed down around him, yet again. He had done everything in his power to save Ace, and it still wasn't enough. He spent many nights telling himself he was weak.
He wishes he could become 7 years old again, sharing a cup of Sake with Ace and Sabo, declaring their brotherhood. Luffy wasn't one to yearn, but whenever he looked up at the summer night sky full of stars, he just couldn't help it.
Every summer when Ace and Luffy were kids, they would devour many watermelons together, and then Luffy would lean on Ace's shoulder, falling asleep and somehow always magically waking up inside their shared treehouse. It had been over 5 years since they had done it the last time, and Luffy hadn't touched a watermelon since. There are few foods he dislikes, watermelon being one. He could never eat one without Ace, it would be a betrayal.
So, when he woke up the next morning and saw Sanji handing everyone a fresh slice of watermelon he was understandably upset. He never wanted to turn down Sanji’s food, it was delicious, probably even more delicious than the watermelon Ace and Luffy harvested every summer.
“Luffy!” Usopp greeted, handing him a watermelon slice. Luffy took it with a slight smile and greeted his friend back. “I stocked up on some summer fruit from our last island,” Sanji added. Luffy smiled still, less sincere. “Oh, I see!” chatter took place in the kitchen for a few minutes, and Luffy still hadn't taken a bite, severely uncharacteristic of him. Nami spoke up, “Luffy! Are you okay? How come you aren't eating?” with that everyone looked at him shocked that he hadn't devoured the whole tray Sanji had given out yet. “Uh I had a big dinner last night,” he lied with puffy lips. Zoro narrowed his eye at him, not speaking. “Are you serious? I can tell when you're lying, shitty captain.” Sanji spat, a hint of worry lacing his tone. Luffy knew that. He doesn't even know why he won't tell them. It's not like they would judge him or anything. Luffy didn't care for anyone's past, he saw people for who they were presently, not formerly, but he knew they'd probably all lost someone important to them, plus they are his nakama, they would understand. Somehow he felt weak for not wanting to eat a simple fruit. How stupid.
Luffy wants to leave. Anywhere. Not here, not with all of the eyes on him. He wants to be home in Foosha village with his brothers. He wants to eat watermelon with Ace and splash in the ocean’s low tide. It's not fair. He did everything to save Ace and he still was too weak. Perhaps this was God's punishment for him for simply being born. He was born as a sin. Perhaps God was going to take his nakama too. Luffy was not religious, but there was no other reason other than God or whatever the fuck was up there playing a cruel fucking trick on him.
There were so many things he had yet to do with Ace. He hadn't shown him what the upcoming pirate king looked like, he hadn't shown him all his new gears, he hadn't shown him how he had gained powerful Haki, and he hadn't shown him the new members of his crew since their reunion in Alabasta. It all felt too short. He misses Ace. All his emotions are overcome with grief. He sees Ace in everything. Ace.
“ACE!” he screamed out loud.
Chopper was by his side and all his nakama were gathered around with worried looks plastered to their faces. As soon as they heard Ace’s name they knew. Everyone felt guilty for not being able to be with Luffy after Ace’s death, and more importantly, not being there to prevent it entirely.
Luffy was not weak. Everyone knew that. Luffy didn't.
“Luffy-San!” Chopper said, shaking his captain, trying to get him to reconnect with reality.
Luffy had helped everyone on the crew. He had given each and every one a purpose in life; he had given them all a family. Luffy helped everyone but himself. Since losing his last brother, Luffy has been trapped in his own nightmares.
Every night on that damn island, he woke up in a cold sweat, jolting up off of his bed. He saw Ace die every single night, and he saw his childhood with Ace every night. His dreams were complex, yet they all shared a similar pattern.
<“Luffy, I promise I will never die!”
Younger Luffy’s tears kept flowing and Ace came over to his little brother, hugging him.
“Get up, crybaby! I already said I promise!”
“Ace.. you promised.”>
Luffy returned to reality to find himself gasping for breath on his knees in front of his nakama, weak, vulnerable. They had never seen him like this before, and he intended they never did. They needed a strong captain to protect them from all their fears, a captain to be silly with, and a captain to lead them in the head of battle.
Not a captain on the verge of tears in the kitchen.
“Luffy!” Nami bent down beside him, “What's wrong?! Tell us!”
Luffy lowered his head in shame; he just wanted it all to go away. “Im sorry.”
“Dont be sorry Luffy Bro! You dont feel SUPER, and we want to help!” Franky exclaimed and there were murmurs of agreement amongst the Strawhat Pirates.
Sanji was going to make a snarky comment about the watermelon, but he had some common sense and read the room. It definitely wasn't the time.
“Im weak..” Captain Luffy muttered to the floor. Everyone was shocked
“Captain,” Zoro stepped forward, speaking for the first time since Luffy entered the room, “do you seriously think that? If you do you're being plain fucking stupid. You are the strongest member of the crew, you are the glue that keeps us all together. We ALL love you. You are our captain. Our family. You are allowed to be vulnerable with us, even if we might not show our appreciation verbally, or even much at all, it is there. You dont need to suffer in silence. We are here for you, Luffy. You are not alone anymore. Even if we aren't the same as him, we damn well try to fill that hole, just a little bit.”
There were three seconds of silence before Luffy started crying. “My nakama! Im sorry! I dont know what was wrong with me I was being stupid!” He got up and stretched his arms around everyone with tears still running steadily down his face. This was the first time in a long time he allowed himself to cry genuinely.
He told his crew about the watermelon, he told them about Foosha village, and he told them about Sabo. They were shocked about Sabo, but his Nakama, family, were just glad to see him expressing himself instead of keeping it in. Even the oldest members knew the same amount of information about Luffy as the new ones. He never really was the type to tell people about himself, even when prompted. Everyone just thought maybe he was trying to keep a mysterious charm, yet they all also knew he was too dense to think about something that involved. When they finally did learn something about their captain, they kept the information to heart. He was the heart of the crew, and he deserved to be treated as such.
Robin spoke calmly, “Captain, you gave me a reason to continue living, I wish we can all do the same for you.”
Everyone shared their declarations to Luffy, with some getting teary-eyed. Luffys tears eventually came down, and he shared a heartwarming smile directed towards his family. He never knew he deserved to be born, let alone this much.
In no way did the grief go away, and he doesn't think it ever will, but over time it will lessen, and maybe he will eat a watermelon during summer in the distant future. Maybe he will visit Ace's grave once he becomes pirate king and raise a watermelon slice to the sky.
Sanji profusely apologized for offering the watermelon, even though he didn't know. He couldn’t have. Luffy just smiled in response, meat stuffing his cheeks. Sanji made all of Luffy's favorite foods as an apology method, and Luffy gladly accepted even if he knew he didn't need an apology. This time his smile was sincere.
Sabo always told him that just getting stuff off of his chest is a good coping mechanism, he never knew what he meant until now.
He misses Sabo, and he misses Ace. But now, he has his nakama, and he's not alone. He has a family he can rely on and he has many more adventures to go on.
Luffy didn't know, but when he was out on the mast that night, feeling the summer breeze lightly push his hair back, and hat flowing behind his head, there was a bright star in the sky watching over him very intently. The man behind the star was munching on a watermelon slice, smiling.
Luffy didn't know, but sometime in the near future, he would meet his other brother, miraculously alive, and have yet another reason to prove life isn't just about surviving. It's about getting hurt and getting back up again, it's about the little things, the big ones too, and it's about looking forward to every moment of it.