Archive of Our Own

As a teenager, he already had responsibilities; Seunghyun’s mother made sure that he knew that. Seunghyun woefully compares the teenage Western movies he’d see on TV to his mundane, routine-filled life. On the screen, people his age were partying, experiencing romance, and getting a chance to have ambition. Something you’d want to do for the rest of your life. He knows he doesn’t want this life, High school was okay, but after that? You’ve only got your years to waste along with the taxes and bills you pay. Seunghyun is a boy who knows what he doesn’t want.

Yet, If you had asked Choi Seunghyun what he wanted to do for the rest of his life, he wouldn’t have had a straight answer. 

“Stars?” a voice interrupted his wandering thoughts, referring to the opened book in front of him entitled: Heavenly Bodies: Stars Edition . Seunghyun looked up from his folded arms and squinted at the blinding glare of the fluorescent ceiling light behind the boy who stood before him. Jiyong was wearing their plain school uniform, a white shirt with a chest pocket and their school logo patched on it. He would’ve looked scholarly if it hadn't been for the unnoticeable fresh cut on his lip and his disheveled black hair that got him into trouble every Monday for breaking the required haircut rule for boys, which Jiyong hated.

“You ratting me out?” Seunghyun yawned as he stretched out his arms. Jiyong took the seat beside him, “I wasn’t going to, don’t worry” he scoffed as he took the opened book in front of him — that was supposed to serve as a shield from the eyeing librarians. “Thanks,” Seunghyun mumbled groggily. “You should go home though, one of the librarians pestered me to tell you they’re closing up.” Jiyong suggested before a cheeky smirk crawled up to his face, “Unless you’re willing to help me out…”

Seunghyun huffed, “No, I’ve already gotten in trouble with you once, I’m not doing it again,” he refused as he stood up abruptly. Although it wasn’t just once; it had been multiple times. “Wait for me outside instead, will you?” Jiyong asked, looking up at him with desperate eyes, “I would have to deal with mom’s scolding a little later than right away when I go home alone.” he sighed sharply. “Yes, yes- whatever…” Seunghyun nodded sleepily, waving his hands dismissively. 

“It won’t be too long, the principal was ever so kind to give me library duty and not the boy’s bathroom again,” Jiyong announced as he pushed the chair that Seunghyun sat in. The taller boy rolled his eyes, “If you’re not out there by thirty minutes I’m going to start walking,” he warned him as he walked out the doors of the library, watching a distraught Jiyong dragging his feet to one of the bookshelves.

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Jiyong took no longer than fifteen minutes inside the library. Even if he wasn’t in there for disciplinary action, he wouldn’t stay longer than five, Seunghyun knows this because the library was too quiet for his pen tapping and humming whenever he was bored.

“What did you do anyway?” Seunghyun asked as the pair slowly walked away from the gates of the school. “Got into a fight, not anything serious though…” Jiyong said merrily as if telling a normal story. Seunghyun shook his head, “Let me see your teeth,” he teased as Jiyong elbowed him harshly on the rib making the other laugh and stumble to the road. Once Seunghyun recovered with a lopsided smile, “I’m serious though, let me see your teeth!” he demanded gently as Jiyong huffed and finally surrendered, turning his head and opened his mouth, Seunghyun examined his front teeth and his molars, which were perfectly intact if you didn’t count the void where his left canine tooth was supposed to be in. 

The inside joke was that Jiyong had his first fistfight around middle school against a grown high schooler who knocked his canine tooth out of his mouth. It happened because Jiyong had heard one of them badmouthing Seunghyun’s physique. Contrary to now, he was a chubby kid who suffered relentless bullying over the years that caused him to eat less and less. But no one talks about the ‘not eating’ part. 

“God your breath stinks,” he grimaced as Jiyong shoved him out the road again as Seunghyun leaned forward and laughed.

“Youngbae’s having a party for his birthday next weekend, come with me?” Jiyong invited enthusiastically, “I’ll think about it,” Seunghyun said as he picked up his pace which made Jiyong walk much quicker than before. “Could you stop cracking your books open, hyung? We don’t need all that once we run away to Seoul,” Jiyong huffs dismissively, “Yeah? Well, get this stupid: Who’s gonna take care of all the big brain shit once we’re over there, Jiyong ?” Seunghyun sassed as the shorter one scoffed, “Plus, don’t you wanna break the stereotypes that idols are not just talented but also care about normal stuff like school?” he went on as Jiyong groaned annoyedly.

“Stop outsmarting me!”

“Would you stop being so stupid then?” 

Jiyong looked at the street from ahead of him to behind him, “Oh, I sure do hope a car comes and splatters all over your smart brains on the concrete,” he laughed bitterly. Seunghyun stuck out a tongue at him, “Jealous,” he teased.

The pair walked in comfortable silence, Jiyong whistling a tune expertly as they made their way home. Seunghyun generally preferred quiet but it was always a strange moment whenever it was when Jiyong was around, he found his mind to be noisy by then if Jiyong wasn’t speaking. Noisy thoughts like thinking too much of what color would suit Jiyong when he’d decided to dye it, ultimately he’s decided on purple but he then surrenders to the thought that Jiyong could go bald and he’d still look good.

“You still have the money for our trip do you?” Seunghyun asked him in a low voice, Jiyong nodded, “I’m not that stupid, hyung,” he tutted. The taller one nodded confidently, “Good, make sure to stay like that until we go on our own,” 

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Saturday mornings were spent with homework and the afternoons either included Jiyong or his mindless channel surfing in their living room. Today was different, Jiyong had invited himself in before the warm sun could bother Seunghyun awake to wake Seunghyun up instead. After multiple tries, he did wake up but to Jiyong’s dismay, he started doing his homework dutifully on his bed, covers still drawn up to his legs while Jiyong sat on the floor next to his bed as his neck rested on the mattress, facing the ceiling.

“You should really get a life,” Jiyong suggested nonchalantly. “And you should stop inviting yourself inside people’s homes,” Seunghyun shot back with a similar sarcasm and flipped through his English workbook. Jiyong stood up and grabbed Seunghyun’s CD player from under his bed and pulled out a box of discs next to it, “You do homework in silence?” he asked, Seunghyun sensed that if he would reply with the truth (which was “Yes,”) he would be stuck with Jiyong’s endless rant about the disrespect to the world of music if he wasn’t maximizing its purpose. 

Maybe homework can wait,

“Yeah, makes it hard to focus,” he replied as Jiyong scoffed, “You’re turning into one of them , hyung…” he grimaced as he flipped through the discs. “One of whom?” Seunghyun questioned, shutting the book after inserting a pencil between the pages he would be answering later, tossing it at the end of the bed, making a muffled thud against his backpack. “Those people who don’t dream,” Jiyong tutted as he picked out a 2Pac CD, clicked it open, and gently picked up the disc from its acrylic case, opening the disc tray to plot it in and clicking on the button “Play”.

Jiyong made sure to lower the volume so that Seunghyun’s mother wouldn’t bother them for their music taste, he knew that would make Seunghyun cranky. 

“Anyway, a great way to pass an exam or get homework done is to play 2Pac on or… or whatever else you got here,” he declared, gesturing his hands to the boxes of discs as he slid it back under his bed, picking up the CD player and resting it on his desk, letting the song “Hellrazor” play against the background.

Seunghyun rolled his eyes and laid back in bed, hugging one of his pillows. He might as well get comfortable if Jiyong continued to ramble on and on about whatever he’s got on his mind, “Music is stimulating to me like I can’t function if nothing is filling the silence y’know?” he quipped, waiting for Seunghyun to agree, “No wonder why you got a D minus in math,” he said to the pillow, which came out muffled. Jiyong frowned and leaned over him, “What did you say?” he asked.

Seunghyun pulled down the pillow from his mouth, “I said, ‘yeah’,” he lied with an annoyed expression. Jiyong’s smile recovers, plastered on his face, “See? Even you agree, told you it makes so much sense to play it in the background,” he said proudly. “Music just makes everything less boring, like it makes everything seem so cool!” he went on, Seunghyun nodded as he looked at him from his bed. “Like… walking to school? You can listen to any song and your brain cells will just…” he imitates an exploding sound with his mouth as his hands close and open for exaggeration. “You’re talking as if you invented listening to music every day,” Seunghyun joked as Jiyong rolled his eyes. “I’m only telling you this because you, out of all people should know the importance,” Seunghyun grinned stupidly, nodding and playing along with his remarks.

Jiyong then sat beside Seunghyun's body, flicking his hand back and forth, “Well? Scoot, you look comfy there-” he demanded sassily as the taller boy groaned in annoyance, wiggling his body to make space for Jiyong. He laid down next to Seunghyun before pulling himself up to rest his back against the headboard, legs on top of the mattress. 

“Have you thought of what name you want?” Jiyong wondered as he aimlessly stared ahead of him, placing his hands on the back of his neck. “Like when we debut and stuff?” he added. Seunghyun hummed, “I don’t think I have,” he muttered quietly, “What about you?” he asked him. “I could just stick to my name, I don’t mind… or use the English translation for it,” Jiyong answered thoughtfully. He hummed for a while, Seunghyun let him think for a moment as he bopped his head to the song playing on his music player. 

Jiyong’s face lit up and clapped his hands together, and then his face fell before Seunghyun even asked what name he’d have conjured up. “What is it?” Seunghyun asked curiously. “Nah… it’s too cliche,” Jiyong sighed heavily, his hands resting on his lap. Seunghyun sat up, letting the blanket fall over his lap, “Come on, just tell me, I won’t laugh!” he insisted bumping his shoulder against his. 

Jiyong pursed his lips and shrugged, “I’ll tell you when we debut already,” he promised as a sly grin crept up to his lips. Seunghyun put his two fingers together and shoved Jiyong’s forehead back harshly, making the other grunt in annoyance. 

“The heck was that for?” he hissed as Seunghyun looked at him dead in the eyes, “For ruining my morning,” he stated, Jiyong scoffed in disbelief as Seunghyun got up and threw the blanket over him which made him grunt and struggle getting it off him because of how thick the blanket was. Seunghyun giggled at the sight as he got his clothes from his drawer and headed for the shower.

But before he could exit his room, he heard some shuffling behind him, “Hyung?” Jiyong called out. Seunghyun turned around, Jiyong was now standing beside his bed, rubbing his neck sheepishly, “Mom’s out and uh, I’m left alone and-”

“It’s fine, Jiyong. You can stay,” Seunghyun interrupted him, bringing a small smile to the other boy’s face. Thanks,” he said, picking up a pillow from his bed and throwing it at him. Now go shower! You stink!” he exclaimed as Seunghyun gave him the finger and left the room.

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The melody of guitar strumming could be heard outside of Seunghyun’s room, the late afternoon sun pouring out through his window overlooking their small backyard. Seunghyun could fall asleep if he wasn’t halfway through finishing his English homework on his desk. Although he was determined to finish his homework quickly, he would catch himself stealing glances at Jiyong as he experimentally sang ballads or tried conjuring up a tune for one of his songs in his notebook, which delayed the process of finishing everything. Because admittedly, how could you not?

Jiyong with a guitar was a beautiful genius at work, the way his hands held the instrument and how his fingers methodically knew every placement of each cord that once strummed would sound heavenly — was enough to make Seunghyun stare for a few seconds before he would take up the effort to peel his eyes away from the boy and back to his homework on the table. 

His voice was another thing. Jiyong’s voice is unique and lighthearted when need be, like for ballads and easygoing songs and it could be sharp and cool as ice once he started experimenting with rapping on his own to beats from his MP3 player. 

Seunghyun didn’t tell Jiyong yet that he couldn’t just run away to Seoul with him. He has a mother to worry about and although passionate about the same hobby, he is scared. Seunghyun for some reason, always thought about what could happen if they did debut. He read so much about it online, what the industry does to you, and had listened to songs about what could change a person when they’ve been exposed to fame for a long time. And all of those thoughts boil down to: “I can’t do that,” . 

But as he looked at Jiyong, with his dark hair draped over his forehead, he bowed his head down to look at the cords he was playing, humming a soft tune. Seunghyun thought he was the closest thing to unstoppable. And if running away with him to Seoul was what he wanted, Seunghyun could stupidly drop everything and follow him just to be close to him.

Several minutes later, Seunghyun’s mom bade the boys goodbye when she left to prepare for her night shift at the hospital. By then Seunghyun was done with homework and was sitting next to Jiyong, palm on either side of his body as he leaned back, listening to his singing voice. 

“Don’t forget to eat dinner!” Mrs. Choi yelled out from the front door before the pair heard it slam shut. Jiyong chuckled as he set aside the guitar and sat on his bed with his back against the headboard, “You heard the woman,” he teased lightheartedly as Seunghyun laid down on the pillow next to him, “Fuck off,” he muttered sleepily as he shut his eyes momentarily. 

Seunghyun felt Jiyong wiggle down, and the space next to Seunghyun sank with his weight. He opened his eyes and saw Jiyong’s, staring into his. They were lying beside each other on his cramped twin bed, face to face, breath on breath. “What are you betting we’re gonna be eating tonight?” he asked in a soft voice. Seunghyun grinned, “I’m not eating,” he said plainly.

Jiyong shrugged, “I bet it’s Japchae,” 

“Leave me alone,” Seunghyun grunted.

Jiyong hummed, “Late dinner?” he proposed to Seunghyun, who raised a brow in question, “You’re sleeping over?” he asked. Jiyong licked his lips and sighed, “You know Mom,” he whispered lowly, “She’ll be home so late anyway,” he added with a sad tone to his voice.  Seunghyun hummed in response as he pulled the blanket over the both of them, “Late dinner it is,” he decided.

Jiyong let out a soft laugh under his breath as they continued looking at each other silently, both in thought. “What if it doesn’t work?” Jiyong asked quietly, rubbing his hands together and placing them under the side of his head. “What won’t work?” Seunghyun replied cluelessly, Jiyong clicked his tongue, “My dream,” he said solemnly, sadness in his eyes as his gaze lowered away from Seunghyun’s eyes making his chest clench. “Hey, what do you mean?” he whispered in disbelief, “You’re talented, Ji, if anyone wants to commit to their dream, it’s you ,” Seunghyun said earning a quiet laugh from Jiyong. 

There was a comfortable silence as Jiyong and Seunghyun continued to gaze at each other mindlessly, lost in each other’s thoughts. “I think I can get through anything if I’ll have you by my side,” Jiyong whispered the silent realization like a promise, or at least that’s what it was to the other boy beside him. Seunghyun’s lips curled up into a smile, “Careful, you’re being sappy,” he teased as Jiyong shoved him gently, “I’m being serious,” he warned with a humorless tone making Seunghyun laugh. 

“Promise me, we’ll go to Seoul together,” Jiyong insisted sincerely, 

Before the excuses and the things that held him back from saying yes could bubble up to his throat, he says: “I promise,” before yawning, snuggling up to his pillow, and shutting his eyes. He could hear Jiyong snickering in front of him, “Taking a nap?” the younger asked, “Yeah,” he whispered the reply, only a breath away from being pulled away to sleep as Jiyong said something he couldn’t understand.

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Jiyong has written many songs about stars, not because of how poetic they were but because of their presence, which changed the world. The stars had always been there, through the Ice Ages and Middle Ages, and until now — it was always there, dusted across the night sky. Its light almost called out to him, reaching for Jiyong to capture his soul and turn it into a glint in the night sky, a small glint that inspired poets to write, and lovers to love and bring the lost back home. 

It was something childish to say crazy stuff like wanting to be a star, maybe that’s why he wants to do something closest to it- a musician on stage, shining so bright that everyone just can’t help but look at him perform.

“You were right,” Seunghyun said after Jiyong heard the balcony door slid open. Jiyong’s head turned to meet Seunghyun's gaze. He was stepping out of the living room and to their grassy yard wearing pajamas and holding a bowl of japchae, unkept hair with his slumped posture.

He sat cross-legged on the grass next to Jiyong as he offered the bowl of japchae to Jiyong. “Here, I heated it for you,” Seunghyun said in his raspy ‘just-woken-up’ voice. Jiyong’s smile curled up into a wide grin, showing his teeth. “Aren’t you a sight?” he teased playfully as Seunghyun rolled his eyes. “Just take it, man-” he insisted haughtily as Jiyong took the bowl and grabbed the chopsticks that were dipped in the food and took a bite, sighing with a closed mouth in satisfaction, “This is the real reason why I come over,” he said mid-chewing japchae as Seunghyun couldn’t help but smile at his playfulness. 

Seunghyun stayed silent as he watched the starry sky, hearing nothing but the crickets nearby, chopsticks clinking against the ceramic bowl, and Jiyong’s chewing. 

A few moments later, Jiyong tugged on Seunghyun’s long-sleeved shirt causing him to turn his head to look at Jiyong’s face lit by the moonlight and the warm lights from inside the house. He was holding out the bowl to him, “I saved you some,” he said quietly, afraid to step on a nerve. “Please eat,” Jiyong whispered urgently, with a tight-lipped smile. 

The offer was unappealing to Seunghyun, although hungry, he just never felt the need to eat at all, but all of those feelings almost melted away once he watched the sincerity linger in Jiyong’s eyes. 

Seunghyun took the bowl reluctantly as he poked at the food with the chopsticks, licking his lips in deep thought. “If we go to Seoul like this, you’ll die of starvation, hyung,” he warned, using the same tiny voice that he used whenever he was unsure of what he was saying would tick Seunghyun off. 

Seunghyun didn’t look up at Jiyong, staring at the half-occupied bowl of japchae, emotionless, unmoving- with no clear plans for finishing the meal, because he knew that if he only took one bite he would feel the weight of the world crash down onto his body, suffocating him with such overwhelming guilt he could just puke his insides out.

Jiyong huffed annoyedly, taking the bowl from him and grabbing a mouthful bite with his chopsticks as he looked up at Seunghyun, opening his mouth and making a sound, inviting him to open his mouth so that he could shove the food inside.

Seunghyun laughed at his attempts and Jiyong took this opportunity to shove the noodles inside his mouth. Seunghyun made a choked noise as he tasted the vegetables and the noodles, making his eyebrows knit together, refusing to chew.

“Chew and I will owe you my whole life,” Jiyong urged as Senghyun grunted in defiance, they both stared into each other dead in the eyes, as if they were playing a spontaneous staring contest.

Seunghyun let Jiyong win this time, chewing the food slowly. And the more that Seunghyun chewed the more Jiyong’s frustration melted out of sight into a look of pride. “Starving yourself is a cause of death, eating will never be,” Jiyong said proudly.

Seunghyun managed to finish the bowl and felt less guilty about it afterward because Jiyong was there, he kept his mind busy as he heard him praise him generously for finishing half his japchae bowl and made it seem like a victory for the ages. While they were childhood friends, Seunghyun always had the option to push the troublesome kid across the street away from his life, but in this moment, as the stars lit up the night and the gentle wind coursed through them, a finished bowl of food on his lap and Jiyong smiling brightly at him, Seunghyun understood why he never did.

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Seunghyun understood why there was something so tantalizing about parties in the movies he’d already seen. There were lights of every possible color, bouncing off one wall to the other, the music was either hip-hop from the greats in America or catchy Korean pop, it all felt exhilarating as he walked inside the venue of Youngbae’s party. 

Seunghyun also knew why people hated it or at least the reason why if they pretended to. It was the horrid smell of smoke, sweat, and alcohol all combined into one humid mess that people called air. Jiyong was nowhere to be seen yet, so he ushered himself through the dancing crowd, glanced and said hi to the few others he recognized, and gawked at the people who seemed older than the rest.

He was unaware of how he ended up in this situation, he thought he would die first before he could go to a party like this one. But then he saw Jiyong, wearing a white long-sleeved top, layering it with an oversized navy blue shirt paired with blue baggy jeans and a black bandana tucked in his jean pocket as a personal flare to his overall outfit. He was talking to an older boy holding a cigarette in one hand and then a lighter in the other, looking at him as if about to offer him the cigarette.

Seunghyun watched the scene unfold; Jiyong took the cigarette that the stranger had lit up for him with his two fingers and brought it up to his lips. He did it with so much ease that Seunghyun was convinced that he had done this multiple times before. He then remembers why he was invited there because it had been Jiyong who convinced him to go, and it was Jiyong who had connections with Youngbae and claimed that he knew other people at the party. 

His thoughts were interrupted as Daesung, a junior whom he recognized from the Music club, popped into sight, blocking the view of Jiyong and the stranger. “Seunghyun!” he exclaimed in disbelief. Seunghyun smiled at him, “You’re way too young for this scene,” he joked, the volume of his voice higher than usual to make sure that he had heard him. Daesung scoffed and shoved him playfully, “Shut up, come on, Youngbae’s at the kitchen,” He yelled over the music with a grin as Seunghyun laughed. He let himself get dragged away by Daesung courtesy of greeting the birthday boy.

Youngbae was surrounded by his friends in the kitchen, snacking on pizza and a variety of desserts laid out on the island counters. He was wearing a striped sweater and had left his hair down rather than his usual attempt at braids. His head was sporting a paper crown, which Seunghyun thought Hyorin (his girlfriend) was responsible for.

As opposed to the party outside the kitchen, it was less chaotic and more birthday party-centered. Youngbae had too many friends to make do with just a party with a few friends, of course, that’s why it’s so packed with people Seunghyun hardly recognized. Hyorin probably wanted something quieter and less rowdy, so Youngbae had to compromise. 

“Look who arrived!” Daesung announced loudly to the small crowd, 

Youngbae grinned brightly, “You came?!’ He yelled in excitement as he left Hyorin’s side to greet Seunghyun with a tight side hug. “Jiyong said you weren’t sure,” he said as Seunghyun laughed, “I’m full of surprises,” he said cheekily. “Happy birthday, sorry I didn’t get you anything…” Seunghyun muttered shyly as he rubbed his neck with his palm. Youngbae rolled his eyes, “Hey, it’s fine hyung… just enjoy the party okay? I think I saw Jiyong out there,” he said with a shrug.

“Oh yeah he did, he also saw his secret hobby,” Daesung whispered as Youngbae gritted his teeth, “Yikes,” he bristled. Seunghyun frowned, “You guys knew ?” he yelped, tone in disbelief. Daesung held a finger to his lips, “You didn’t hear it from us,” he said, smirking mischievously. He shook his head, “I don’t care enough to tell him about it,” Seunghyun huffed as he looked over at the tray of bungeouppang treats and dalgona candies that stood out from Youngbae’s half-eaten birthday cake, the opened bottle of soju and a stack of paper cups beside it, and a selection of junk food in their biggest sizes.

Seunghyun grabbed one of the dalgona candies and bit off a piece. He savored the sweet flavor of the candy, listening to Daesung and Youngbae’s banter and the muffled music from outside the kitchen. After much thought, he decided to walk to the counter again to look for something to eat after finishing the sugar candy.

He then found his eyes lingering on the beer bottle and the stack of paper cups next to it, longer than expected.

Seunghyun remembered the first time his father taught him how to drink, he was 15 years old when he got the hang of the taste until his mother made his dad quit and that was the last time he’d seen a bottle of soju (that his parents knew of). Seunghyun smiled fondly at the memory and picked up a paper cup to pour himself one. Just one, he promises himself.

He then held the paper cup in one hand, grabbed a cupcake for himself, and wandered outside the kitchen and back into the party scene. Seunghyun took a sip from his cup, squinting his eyes at the flashing lights with no intent to search for Jiyong in the rambunctious crowd, and made a beeline toward the backyard door. 

Jiyong would always run into him anyway, somehow he always does.

Seunghyun bit his lip as he scanned the yard, there was only a pair of friends sitting next to each other right beside the door, they were a part of the much older crowd that Seunghyun didn’t recognize. He sighed softly as he sat at the left side of the yard, feeling the mowed grass poking on his clothed legs, and looked up at the night sky. The moon stared at him back, shining in all of its wholeness towards him as if it had been waiting for him there.

He gulps soju from his cup, feeling the liquid leave a slight burning sensation in his throat before placing the empty cup beside him as he sprawled his legs out. He peeled off the cupcake liner to one side and took a huge bite of the chocolate cupcake. Seunghyun hummed along to the muffled music from inside the house as he chewed quietly watching the moon floating along the stars that accompanied the celestial body.

Truth be told, that day in the library, he did mean to pick up that specific book. Seunghyun assumed there must be a mention of the moon somewhere in that book because he couldn’t find the specific book he wanted and figured another student borrowed it. To his dismay that afternoon though, there was no mention of his beloved moon in the book. 

The moon was a fascination to him among many other things, he was only a child when he dreamed of setting foot on the moon as an astronaut or riding a spaceship and taking off to somewhere in outer space. It was childish for many reasons which made it so easy to shut down quickly as he grew up. Although he can’t help to wonder about revisiting the fascination once in a while, when life gets too hectic all he can think about is the child that he used to be, dreaming of the moon and outer space.

“There you are!”

Just like clockwork, Jiyong arrives holding a bottle of soju and a bag of chips with his other hand, a wide grin on his face. Seunghyun couldn’t fight the smile that crept up to his lips as Jiyong walked over and sat beside him, already reeking of cigarettes and alcohol.

“You smell awful,” he coughed exaggeratingly as Jiyong scoffed handing him the soju bottle. Just like that, the promise to himself faded away like forgotten homework. Seunghyun took the soju bottle and popped it open, pouring himself a refill before he finished his cupcake, tossing the pink liner next to him on the grass.

“You’re welcome,” Jiyong sassed sarcastically as he opened the bag of chips and let it rest against his knee. Seunghyun grabbed a piece and ate from the bag and Jiyong drank from his cup in return. 

Seunghyun gazed at the night sky, Jiyong only looked at him in awe; surprisingly quiet and behaved. And in minutes, Seunghyun already felt his gaze burning through his skin, he slowly turned his head to him and raised a brow, meeting his longing gaze. “What’s going on with you?” he asked with a playful smirk as he watched him shake his head with a smile, “Nothing, hyung just…” he trailed off, looking at his lap.

“Just thinking,” He finishes, and the other nods in response.”About me?” Seunghyun joked with a soft laugh escaping his lips as he drank from his cup. Jiyong glanced at him again, the seriousness in his eyes present once more, and with the softest and sincerest way ever he said: “Yeah, about you,”

Seunghyun’s heart stuttered, and his first instinct was to finish his cup of soju. “Well, enough of me,” he said dismissively, ignoring the continuous thundering of his heart inside his chest. “Let’s talk about you; chain smoker,” Seunghyu muttered bitterly and he could see Jiyong’s face lose its color from guilt.

“Hyung-” he tried to explain,

Seunghyun scoffed, “I saw it earlier, Daesung and Youngbae knew before I did?!” he whispered and yelled as he glanced at the pair of friends get up and leave to re-enter the party behind Jiyong’s figure. “W-well, it’s not like I wanted them to know, they just found me in the bathroom smoking in one of the stalls!” He stammered nervously, Seunghyun gasped loudly, and his eyes widened in disbelief.

“It was YOU!? ”

Jiyong’s shoulders tensed as he shook his head rapidly, hands making exaggerated gestures, “Hyung, it’s- it’s not frequent… I just- I…” the words never came to him so he quit while he was ahead and sighed heavily as his shoulders slumped and his face melted into one that resembled surrender. Seunghyun shook his head, “Jiyong, I’m not mad that you’re smoking, I couldn’t care less,” he sighed sharply, “I’m just upset that I didn’t know,” he admitted.

Jiyong blinked at him, then he narrowed his eyes at the boy “So… that was it?” he asked, tilting his head to look at Seunghyun properly. Seunghyun nodded as he took another sip from his cup, smacking his lips, “I won’t tell your mom on one condition,” he offered with a sly grin. A similar smile crept up to Jiyong’s lips, “I’m listening…” he whispered mischievously.

“Teach me,” he said,

“Teach you what?” Jiyong raised a brow,

Seunghyun felt his body slowly warm up from the alcohol, he cleared his throat and bumped his shoulder. “You know exactly what I’m talking about,” he coughed as he ate from the chip bag, avoiding Jiyong’s gaze.

He let out a breathy laugh, “You want me , to teach you , how to smoke?!” he questioned in disbelief, pointing his index finger to his chest and Seunghyun repeatedly. The older boy sheepishly hid his smile behind his cup as he drank from it, Jiyong laughed at his reaction and reached for something in his jean pocket.

He fished out a bunch of cigarettes, held together tightly against each other with a blue rubber band. Seunghyun watched as he bit his lip whilst picking out a red lighter from his other pocket that looked like the ones he saw at convenience stores. Seunghyun then realized he’d never seen Jiyong look so good under moonlight. 

Jiyong handed him a cigarette while he grabbed one for himself and shoved the other unused ones inside his pocket. Jiyong held up his free hand and made a ‘watch me’ motion with two of his fingers, “Watch,” he whispered, eyes glinting with mischief. He grabbed the lighter from his lap and flicked it open to light the cigarette, Seunghyun watched him intently as he held it with two of his fingers bringing it up to his lips, looking like a scene from a teen-rated movie.

He hollowed his cheeks for a moment and then pulled the cigarette away to release the smoke from his mouth, with ease. Seunghyun blinked in astonishment as the other grinned at his reaction. Jiyong held a firm grip on his wrist once he tried to reach for the lighter, “I wanna try something out, humor me, alright?” he said as he kneeled beside Seunghyun, placing the cigarette between his pink lips as he leaned toward him a bit.

Seunghyun leaned back, caught off guard by his sudden movement. “Wha- what are you-”

“I’m gonna light you’re cigarette, so stop moving,” Jiyong tutted as Seunghyun reluctantly placed his cigarette between his lips, holding it just the way Jiyong had been holding it. He bowed his head slightly to reach the tip of Seunghyun’s unlit cig, to let the orange light on the tip of his spread towards the other. Seunghyun felt drums inside his chest, looking at Jiyong’s patient gaze as he waited for the orange light from the tip of his cigarette, the blueprint for a bad habit but looked like an angel doing it.

Jiyong pulled away once it was lit and sat down once again, tucking his lighter inside his pocket and spreading his legs out on the grass, letting their knees touch. Seunghyun hollowed his cheeks, copying what his friend did, and almost instantly his lungs were yelling at him to cough.

“If you feel like coughing, resist it as much as you can,” he advised, taking another draw from his cigarette. Seunghyun stomached the urge and blew out the smoke, clearing his throat as a compromise for resisting to cough. Jiyong smiled at him, “Good job,” he whispered cheekily as Seunghyun smiled back at him despite the feel of his lungs on fire.

Seunghyun took turns drinking soju and smoking, purely out of impulse, and this resulted in heavy consequences. Because the moment you blow out smoke, the frequent urges come like wildfire in a forest, which goes the same with drinking. He dealt with two wildfires at once, but it felt like all was okay because Jiyong was there.

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“God, you’re heavy!” Jiyong groaned as he dragged Seunghyun with his arm around his shoulder to assist him in walking to his house since his mother must be out right now for work. They stumble through the front door and Jiyong’s shoulders are already burning by the time they reach his room, throwing a drunk Seunghyun on his bed. Jiyong sighed heavily as he watched Seunghyun coil up in his bed, mumbling something to himself.

Jiyong walked back outside his room to close the front door he had left open and twisted the lock from the inside. It was a long walk from Youngbae’s party to Seunghyun’s house so his legs ached and his shoulders were burning because Seunghyun was gifted with height and the weight came with it too. Jiyong was fine with enduring all of that because in truth he’d do anything for him.

Jiyong ran his fingers through his hair as he walked back inside his room and shut the door quietly behind him. Seunghyun was half awake, legs crossed on his bed. The lights in his room were shut off but he had turned on the lamp on his desk beside his bed. The soft yellow light illuminated his dazed expression, and Jiyong sighed hopelessly at the sight.

“Go to sleep,” he ordered gently, sitting on the bed, Seunghyun scooted further to the wall and lay down. “No,” he whined. This was not the first time Jiyong had seen Seunghyun drunk, for the most part, he knew how to deal with toddler-like behavior, but the clinginess was hard, especially that.

Jiyong sighed as he laid down with him, taking the blanket from the edge of the bed and draping it over Seunghyun. He looked up at Jiyong dazedly, with a small smile creeping up to his face, “Wow,” he exclaimed under his breath. Jiyong raised a brow, “What?” he asked confusedly.

“You look like a girl from here, Ji…” he observed as his cold fingers pinched Jiyong’s face together and pulled it to one side as if viewing a specimen he’d never seen before. Jiyong lets him touch his face or rather observe him from all angles, as the other checks his jaw and his neck. “Maybe I need to cut my hair, huh?” Jiyong offered in a low voice as Seunghyun tucked both his hands between the pillow and his head. “Maybe that will make me look more like a boy,” Jiyong added as Seunghyun frantically shook his head.

“It’s like this superpower you have, Ji… you could look like a boy one minute and then a girl!” he fusses, words slurring together nonsensically. Jiyong couldn’t help but smile at him, he never calls Jiyong ‘Ji’ when he’s sober and he couldn’t help but find it the least bit endearing. “How does one even do that?!” Seunghyun huffed with a pout. Jiyong laughed quietly as he rubbed his cold hands together, seeing this the other boy threw his blanket over him, making them share it.

“I’ll be leaving soon, hyung. No need to do that,” he whispers as Seunghyun rolls his eyes dramatically. “Shut up, it’s your turn to say something nice to me!” he slurred as he playfully punched Jiyong on the chest and he smiled. “Alright, well…” Jiyong hummed in thought. As he goes through all the things he could say to him, one secret arises in thought because all of a sudden he was brave enough to not hide behind his lyrics anymore and just say it to him.

Seunghyun was drunk enough to forget, so Jiyong figured it would be all right. “You’re good-looking, hyung,” he whispered the secret that he’d dare not admit once he sobered up. His heart stammered in his chest as he looked at Seunghyun’s expectant glance as if sensing he had something more to say, “And… I would have fallen for you a long time ago if you were a girl,” Jiyong whispered lowly, carefully looking at Seunghyun’s eyes which looked like dark pearls against the yellow light from his lamp.

Seunghyun smiled, “You think I’m good-looking?” he asked as Jiyong nodded, savoring the fleeting moment of bravery he had inside of him. “Pretty, even,” he added as Seunghyun grinned proudly.

Suddenly, he leaned towards Jiyong, “How pretty?” he asked quietly as Jiyong felt his breath against his lips. He panics internally but as he glances at Seunghyun’s doe eyes and his parted lips, his mind is foggy and he is so lost that he can’t do anything but freeze up at his boldness and his face starts to heat up at remembering the days he would space out, daydreaming of this very moment.

Seunghyun’s cold hand reached for Jiyong’s cheek and stroked his soft skin with his thumb. “So pretty, hyung” he mumbled as his mind decided that it was okay. Because the next morning Seunghyun would forget everything that happened there, his mind justifies that he would be too drunk to remember. Everything would be fine. He thinks it would be fine to steal this moment for himself, just for himself at the price of him forgetting this very moment existed.

Jiyong leaned closer and planted his lips against his softly, tasting the faint hint of soju. Although it was more of a peck, than a kiss, it was good enough for Jiyong. As they pulled away, Seunghyun tightened the grip on his cheek with no intent of letting go, “Last one?” he asked politely in a soft voice, Jiyong felt his heartache for the boy but he pulled away from his hand, letting it fall on the pillow.

“I have to go home,” he reasons pathetically, lifting himself from the bed. Seunghyun pouted as he looked up at him, “Please?” he tried one more time. This time, he pulled so cleverly on his heartstrings that it was him this time that had his hand on Seunghyun’s cheek, smashing his lips onto his, a proper kiss. Seunghyun made a muffled noise which made Jiyong prolong it, savoring the taste of his lips before everything went back to normal the next day.

Once he pulled away after feeling the action of his lips going limp, Seunghyun’s eyes were shut. Jiyong would have laughed if it weren't for the situation, because who passes out in the middle of a kiss?