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“Do you know someone artsy?” Seunghyun suddenly asked as Jiyong tossed his fabric pencil case into the air to let it fall and catch it again. It was a Saturday morning when Jiyong decided to bother the Choi household like usual. It was a random question but Jiyong knew how to handle his curious nature, because if Jiyong was a virtuoso for music and instruments then Seunghyun was the type to dabble in different things, ranging from art to writing and able to have the courage to learn those hobbies simultaneously.
Jiyong snatched the pencil case mid-air, “What’s this about again?” he tutted as he dropped the pencil case to his lap and looked at him from the floor. “I just wanna know if you know someone good at drawing or painting,” Seunghyun explained patiently. Jiyong sat on his bed and their legs sat atop each other, “I don’t know anyone,” he shrugged. Seunghyun kicked him on the rib gently as Jiyong scowled at him in response, “I actually don’t know anyone, seriously dude…” he whinged while rubbing the spot where Seunghyun had hit him. The other boy sighed annoyedly, “You’re getting progressively aggressive after I taught you how to smoke,” Jiyong observed with a betrayed tone. Seunghyun scowled at him, “And whose fault is that?” he snapped. Jiyong scoffed and chuckled as he kicked him on the stomach with his socked foot, with insufficient force to hit him.
“Well, I had no choice you blackmailer,” he muttered as Seunghyun smirked at him, “Aw, does that mean we’re not friends anymore?” he cooed mockingly, Jiyong raised a brow, mischief glinting in his eyes. “Yeah, I refuse to associate myself with blackmailers,” he retorted jokingly as Seunghyun scoffed. “Too bad, the blackmailer’s your only real friend,” he boasted pridefully as Jiyong made a gagging noise, pointing his index finger to his opened mouth which earned a laugh from Seunghyun that was music to Jiyong’s ears.
Seunghyun lifted himself from his bed and started to open each drawer on his desk, searching for something. “Dude, what’s the point of drawing when you end up abandoning the hobby like you do for all the others anyway?” Jiyong groaned as Seunghyun pulled out a scratch paper and oil pastels from his desk drawer and sat on his chair.
“Don’t piss me off Jiyong, I might just draw you as ugly as you are,” Seunghyun warned as he opened the cardboard case of oil pastels, revealing a selection of colors. “You confuse me, man,” he huffed as Jiyong stood up and grabbed the guitar from beside his desk and started mindlessly strumming its strings, his fingers were not placed in their accurate places to perfectly form a chord that when strummed, it came off sounding wrong.
Minutes only had passed when Jiyong was sat on his bed, guitar on his lap with his thin fingers strumming mindlessly as he tried to entertain himself without bothering Seunghyun as he started getting messy with his oil pastels. Though he was in his peripheral vision Seunghyun could see that Jiyong was growing restless as he tried to express his vision with hues of blue and purple on paper. Visions of a night sky he wishes to see all the time once he closes his eyes. Seunghyun could ignore him for now, just until he got the image out of his head, because how could he not get distracted? His fingertips were already dyed blue and the chunks of the material were even inserted underneath his nails as he tried to be Da Vinci’s reincarnation.
Keyword: Tried
“The fuck is that supposed to be?” Jiyong asked tilting his head to the side as he narrowed his eyes. “The moon, and some stars,” Seunghyun said hopefully. The shorter boy looked up at him, “Okay, nerd- well, why is it mostly purple and not white?” he asked genuinely, “There’s no white oil pastel,” the taller boy responded patiently with a soft smile as he indulges at Jiyong’s confusion. “It is something…!” Jiyong teased with a fake wince, “Shut up,” Seunghyun tutted as he shoved him gently, earning a burst of laughter from Jiyong. “Hey! I’m not gonna be your biggest critic when you finally decide to enter the art world,” he teased.
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Ground Control to Major Tom
Ground Control to Major Tom
Take your protein pills and put your helmet on
The radio was on around 7 a.m., which was unusual in the Choi household. Their mornings were usually quiet, with small talk at the dining table, and the only noise considered noise was the neighbor’s dog barking next door. But this morning, everything was different. Space Oddity by David Bowie came out muffled through his mother’s radio, which had been left unused for years—until now. Seunghyun knew it could mean one thing, and he hoped he was wrong.
Seunghyun buttoned up his uniform and picked up his bag from his unmade bed on his way outside his room, officially starting his Monday morning.
Ground Control to Major Tom (ten, nine, eight, seven, six)
Commencing countdown, engines on (five, four, three, two)
Check ignition, and may God's love be with you (one, lift off)
His dad was a huge Beatles and David Bowie fan and Seunghyun’s memories of him were filled with their music as they talked in the dining room or whenever he’d decide to hang out with him once his mom got to work. So as the song with a familiar voice blasted softly through the radio, it made his palms sweaty and there was a feeling of discomfort he wished to be free from.
“Seunghyun-ah!” His heart dropped to his stomach as he heard the familiar tone of affection. Seunghyun felt the color from his face melt away as his gaze fell on his father, sitting with his mother in the living room. He didn’t change one bit, a crooked smile that showed his wrinkles and messy black hair with streaks of silver because of age, and expectedly as tall as Seunghyun was. Surprisingly, his mom didn’t look livid, but Seunghyun was sure she was just hiding it with a polite smile. He hadn’t seen his dad for months, but it was three years ago that he and his mom had separated, and it had been three years since that radio on the coffee table had been used, with David Bowie- of all singers was playing.
Before he knew it, his dad had wrapped him in a tight hug, and Seunghyun’s jaw hung open in astonishment. His hand instinctively patted his dad’s back. “It’s been too long,” he sighed into his ear, and Seunghyun was the first one to pull away. “Yeah, it has,” he muttered with a forced smile, unsure of what to feel.
They stood before each other with awkward silence lingering in the air, and Seunghyun glanced at his mom from the corner of his eye, avoiding his dad’s affectionate gaze. “I… gotta go to school, Mom, call you later,” he said as his mom gave him a warm smile and a nod. “Take care,” she replied while Seunghyun bowed his head sheepishly at his dad. “Bye, Dad,” he said with a tiny voice as his dad chuckled dryly and patted him on the back as he made his way out the door.
Jiyong was waiting on the steps of their porch. His head turned to Seunghyun in an instant, and he stood up quickly. “Is- is he-?” he stammered with confusion written all over his face as Seunghyun waved his hand dismissively, “Yeah, he’s inside, shut up, let’s go,” he replied in one breath as he intentionally walked briskly, taking advantage of his long legs so that Jiyong jogged to keep up. Seunghyun thought that Jiyong thought that he was probably doing this for shits and giggles when he just didn’t want him to pry, Jiyong was as musically inclined as he was good at prying.
Truthfully, it was more like Seunghyun knew he wouldn’t keep it to himself if Jiyong asked, he was just irresistible like that.
“Hey! Don’t make me jog, you tall piece of shit!” he yelled from behind. Jiyong finally caught up with his pace, and Seunghyun made a solemn promise to himself that he wouldn’t be telling him anything. Jiyong sighed as he fished out his cylinder bunch of cigarettes, “Don’t. It’s too early,” he scolded him, making the other scoff, “This is exactly why I didn’t tell you in the first place,” Jiyong huffed annoyedly.
“Don’t get caught next time,” Seunghyun shot back as Jiyong shoved him, he stumbled to the road with a smirk, quickly recovering to his side. Obediently, Jiyong hid his cigarettes in his pockets, and Seunghyun thought that Jiyong obeying his “No-smoking in the morning” rule was pointless because he knew that he would just hide in the bathrooms during the first period and smoke anyway; nonetheless, he appreciated his way of saving face and just listened to what Seunghyun said, because if anything at all he wasn’t suppressing his free will to smoke, but rather he cared about Jiyong enough to prolong his health, just until they ran away to Seoul.
As they walked, there was nothing but silence, although Seunghyun could tell that there was a load of questions bubbling up in Jiyong’s throat, waiting to just burst out from his mouth. There wasn’t any silence with Kwon Jiyong by his side.
“What did he want this time?” he asked straightforwardly, Seunghyun decided to act clueless. “What do you mean?” he replied with the question Jiyong huffed in annoyance. “I’m not a child, hyung, tell me,” he ordered gently, with a twinge of desperation in his voice that almost made Seunghyun slip up. “I do not know what you’re talking about,” he chuckled dryly as they took a turn, the school just within their line of sight.
Jiyong huffed as he furrowed his brows, “I know you,” he muttered, “You avoid everything that seems too complicated to confront,” he added in a lower voice this time, but Seunghyun heard him regardless and ignored him as they walked in silence the rest of the way. This was when Jiyong knew that he had ticked him off, but was just simply playing it off like he always does.
Once they reached the school gates with the rest of the students piling in Seunghyun was ready to ditch his friend and just hang out with Daesung for a while. Jiyong lets him escape from him this time because he doesn’t feel like chasing after Seunghyun this early in the morning, begging for his forgiveness.
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“I have an uncle in Seoul, maybe he could get you guys into an agency faster!” Youngbae offered as Seunghyun scoffed while he chewed on his tteokbokki that he bought from one of the cafeteria stalls. “You know, that’s not bad,” Jiyong said, almost entirely convinced. Daesung nodded as he drank from his lychee juice bottle, “It isn’t!” he agreed gleefully as Seunghyun only stayed quiet, eyes darting between the three of his friends.
Jiyong turned to Seunghyun, “So… you’re the one going with me, what do you say?” he asked. He contemplated an answer but Seunghyun could only think of his dad and his mom, if he left home, what was going to happen to his mother? His dad would probably bother her until she died and Seunghyun doesn’t want that to happen. “I don’t know, I might actually… not go,” he whispered.
There was silence at their lunch table, with Youngbae staring at him with a perturbed frown, Daesung’s jaw hung open in shock. Jiyong scoffed, a smirk making its way to his lips, waiting for a punchline. “You’re joking, we have everything almost saved up!” he exclaimed ecstatically, Seunghyun decided to play along and laugh softly. “Of course,” he replied, which released the tension from Daesung and Youngbae’s faces and laughed along.
A little while later, Jiyong and Seunghyun left the juniors alone and went to the unfinished boy’s bathroom which was on the opposite side to where the cafeteria was. No one had the guts to enter the abandoned and unfurnished comfort room unless a student needed a smoke, which was rare in their school. As far as Seunghyun knew the people who used the bathroom were just seniors with their girlfriends and the smokers, but still incredibly rare to bump into one another in the comfort room.
In their situation, it was Jiyong who wanted to pull out a cig and Seunghyun just stayed close behind, per usual. But a cigarette won’t hurt.
The abandoned bathroom was stripped of paint, revealing the naked cement walls and a single sink, and in front of it was the only toilet stall that they managed to install before the school board completely abandoned the renovation project.
They could fit in the stall, Seunghyun with his back against the closed door and Jiyong sitting on the closed battered-up toilet. Jiyong grabbed his lighter and lit his cigarette between his fingers before placing it between his lips. The older boy watched him puff out the smoke, eyes wandering everywhere but in his direction, he couldn’t help but think of what was bothering him, if he did, with what happened that morning.
“Are we cool?” he asked,
Jiyong shrugged nonchalantly, “Was about to ask you the same thing,” he muttered bitterly. Seunghyun frowned, “Hey, it’s not that hard to mind your own business, Ji- you know how I feel about Dad,” he said defensively. Jiyong looked up at him from the toilet seat and glared at him annoyedly, “It’s not just about that, it’s you fucking drawing now and what was that thing you said earlier about not going with me?” Jiyong argued with a loud voice, standing up to him with a furious glare, his height should make him feel inferior but it was the quite opposite of what Seunghyun was feeling. “You promised, hyung! That was important to me, getting out of here is the only thing that I wanted to do for the longest time,” he yelled at him furiously, making the other boy feel small and flustered with nothing to say.
Seunghyun could feel the annoyance that started to cloud his judgment and he promptly decided to seal his lips shut and fold his arms, avoiding Jiyong’s gaze. The younger boy sat back down and continued his business with his cigarette, the smoke fanning up towards the ceiling as Seunghyun sighed heavily. “Jiyong, I am going with you,” he said softly, careful to not provoke his already furious friend. “It’s just that…I keep thinking of my mom and leaving her alone here, is something I can’t do,” he mumbled guiltily, “And drawing’s just a hobby dude, it’s not gonna make me stop wanting to make music…” he added solemnly. Jiyong sighed through his nose.
Seunghyun watched as the cold and distant energy took over Jiyong’s eyes as he looked at him with a piercing gaze. He was probably thinking of how he didn’t want to force him, and he just wanted to live out his dream, that’s what Seunghyun assumed. “I don’t care if you come with me, just make sure that if you’re not coming with, it better be for a good reason,” he muttered cruelly and Seunghyun felt something shatter inside of him.
“So my mom’s not a good reason?” he asked with an offended tone,
Jiyong rolled his eyes. “Never said she wasn’t,” he muttered. In the silence that indicated Jiyong’s foul mood, Seunghyun sighed. “Sorry, okay?” he mumbled sincerely. Jiyong shifted on the toilet seat to pull a cigarette from his pocket and handed one to Seunghyun, which made him smile softly.
“I’m forgiven?” he said with a glimmer of hope seeping through his voice, “Shut up,” Jiyong muttered as he stood up, Seunghyun bowing his head slightly and placing the cigarette near Jiyong’s so that he’d light his cigarette using his own. His eyes lingered on Jiyong’s lips, which oddly reminded him of a forgotten night after Youngbae’s party.
He then remembered the first time he smoked with Jiyong, which was in the backyard of Youngbae’s house party. For the first time, he tried the same method of lighting Seunghyun’s cigarette with his own. The unusual thing was that he didn’t remember anything else beyond that, and Jiyong already explained that he had dragged him home that night so Seunghyun didn’t need to ask further questions. But there was something strangely familiar about the proximity, the small space left between them that gave him deja vu and a warm fuzzy feeling inside his chest.
Then, an image crossed his mind that felt more like a memory. And suddenly he could feel Jiyong’s soft lips on his chapped ones tasted like alcohol. It was strange because it was unusual for them to do something as intimate as that, in reality, it sent off many alarms in his head. Because both of them were boys, and it’s something that they just can’t do. Despite the alarms and the negativity of his thoughts, a question is raised amongst those swirling in his head.
‘Did I like it?’
Jiyong stepped away and smiled softly at Seunghyun. The older one frowned, “What happened to us that night?” he questioned, the younger boy shrugged, “I already told you I dragged you back to your house, to your room before your mom could come home,” he said as if reading off a script from his mind.
Seunghyun hallowed his cheeks around the cigarette and puffed out smoke, towards the ceiling. “Liar,” he muttered, “I didn’t even say which night,” Seunghyun pointed out. Jiyong chuckled as he stubbed his cigarette on the ceramic surface of the toilet, “I’ve just forgiven you, now you wanna start something again?” he asked jokingly, eyes glinting with pure mischief.
Seunghyun fell silent as he held the cigarette between his two fingers, lost in thought.
“We kissed, didn’t we?” he blurted out, earning a wide-eyed, jaw-dropped expression from Jiyong. “Wh-what? Where’d you even get that, hyung?” he exclaimed, nervousness in his tone, it seemed like his smooth front from earlier had completely vanished. Seunghyun took a puff from his cigarette as his eyes bore into his, watching Jiyong gape at him.
He hated it so much. He hated that he remembered, he hated that he was reminded. Because Seunghyun was standing there, in the tight space of the bathroom stall in front of Jiyong, the boy who wished Seunghyun was a girl or the other way around, and he looked captivating, so much to the point he felt that the space was suffocating more than how it did a minute ago.
Seunghyun decided right then and there that, yes, he was drunk when Jiyong kissed him good night. It doesn’t mean that Jiyong took advantage of him because Seunghyun vaguely remembered that he practically begged for one more.
That alone makes it much worse, excluding the thoughts in his head that what if, just what if they did it again, in this very bathroom stall.
Jiyong sighed, shoulders slumped in surrender, “Hyung, I’m sorry… it’s just-”
“It’s fine,” Seunghyun said abruptly. Meanwhile, the other raised a brow at him. What do you mean it’s fine?” he asked alarmingly. “We kissed; we don’t need to make it a big deal,” he explained, fiddling with his cigarette between his fingers, lying through his teeth.
Jiyong stuttered and stammered in confusion, eyebrows darting from every angle, “I was drunk, you were probably tipsy, it’s fine,” Seunghyun repeated with a smile, acting like it was normal when it felt the complete opposite. “No big deal, right?” he asked, seeking for confirmation.
Jiyong was appalled and silent for a moment, before slowly nodding. “No big deal,”
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Seunghyun and Jiyong walked home together as usual, compared to most afternoons, they were both quiet even if they agreed that it was no big deal. But both were quiet for different reasons, one thought about the kiss, and the other thought about if their negligent parent were to stick around this time. And that if he did, there would be fewer cigarettes and alcohol the moment he woke up, and his dad would be better.
Both teenagers didn’t notice that there was quiet between them and not the usual sarcasm and petty jokes they threw at each other. This was until they reached Seunghyun’s house, Jiyong spoke first, “Hey, um- d’you want me to come with you?” he asked in a soft voice, the other looked at him with a face that looked deep in thought, “Please do,” he replied in a whisper as Jiyong grinned and gave him a thumbs up.
Seunghyun opened the door and his dad was on the couch, his mother wiping down wet plates near the sink. “I’m home,” he said to his mom and the woman turned around and set aside the rag and the plate, approaching the two boys with a warm smile, “Hello, dear- and Jiyong! Your mom must be busy again, hmm?” she coaxed as she affectionately ruffled their hair with both her hands. His mom was a lot shorter than the both of them, which made the gesture look ridiculous when they had to bow their heads to receive her affection. Jiyong smiled shyly at the gesture, “She’s hardworking as ever, sorry if I’m intruding…” he apologized as he bowed a full 90 degrees Seunghyun’s mom loved about him.
His mom let out a bubbly laugh, “I like it when you’re here, Jiyong-ah… Seunghyun seems happier when you are,” she teased as Seunghyun grumbled annoyedly. His dad had walked over and he had a wide grin on his face, “Good day at school?” he asked. Seunghyun cleared his throat and nodded, “It was fine,” he replied shortly.
“Me and Seunghyun will be working together on something for school, I won’t stay long though-” Jiyong butted in, sensing Seunghyun’s discomfort in a second. His mom tilted her head and pouted, “Oh, please Jiyong- you’re not leaving this house unless you’re full,” she tutted as Jiyong’s cheeks went pink.
Seunghyun grabbed Jiyong’s shoulders with pursed lips, “Alright, we need to work on our thing for school, now. Thanks for the warm welcome,” he announced as he pushed Jiyong past his mom and dad and went straight to his bedroom, Jiyong opening the door before the other practically shoved him inside and shut the door behind him.
“God, I could die out of the awkwardness,” Seunghyun admitted as he dropped his backpack to his bed and started to pick out a shirt and some shorts from his drawer. Jiyong laughed as he sat on his bed, “You’re welcome,” he chirped as turned his back to him and started to change into a blue tie-dyed shirt and black shorts.
Jiyong shut his eyes and laid down on his back after he placed his sling bag on the floor by his bed so that he could only look at the ceiling- avoiding the dangerous scene laid out in front of him because as soon as Seunghyun’s fingers unbuttoned his uniform his heart started to pound and with that, it was sole proof that he’d been lying to himself. Lying to himself that it was fine, it was normal, kissing your best friend.
For some odd reason, he senses that Seunghyun feels the same way.
Jiyong sat up after a few seconds and found the decently dressed Seunghyun combing his hair with his fingers messily, already making his way toward Jiyong.
He sat next to him and sighed heavily, hands planted behind him on the mattress, leaning back. “I don’t know why they’re pretending to be family again,” he whispered so that the thin walls couldn’t catch what he was saying. Jiyong looked at him with sincerity twinkling in his eyes, setting aside the kiss and his feelings “Maybe they’re just trying to make it up to you,” he replied in a low voice. Seunghyun scoffed, “Three years too late for that,” he muttered with a scowl.
Jiyong hesitantly placed his hand on his, Seunghyun didn’t move an inch. He leaned in towards him, “At least they’re trying,” he whispered. They were both silent for a while as Seunghyun wiggled himself to lean against the wall beside his bed, Jiyong followed his movement and had his hands on his lap, refraining from doing anything inherently affectionate to him.
There was silence in the air, “Do you think that… he’s better?” he asked Jiyong, his eyes ahead of him, completely lost in thought. Jiyong licked his lips, thinking of what to say. A moment later, he nodded, “As long as he doesn’t hurt you or your mom, I think he is,” he replied honestly. Seunghyun scoffed, “You know, he taught me how to drink at 15 when he got… you know,” Jiyong laughed which made Seunghyun’s scowl melt away into a tight-lipped smile.
There was silence in the room as Jiyong got comfortable and lay on his bed, shutting his eyes for a moment to calm his hurricane of thoughts about Seunghyun this and Seunghyun that… it was all about him. ‘God, why him?’ A desperate yell came from the back of his head.
“Does your mom ever come back home?” the older boy asked curiously, Jiyong opened his eyes and frowned at the question. “Sometimes, she’s always working for the station so…” he muttered uninterestedly, Seunghyun nodded. “Is she up on the news tonight?” he questioned again, imitating the small voice that avoided a nerve.
Jiyong suddenly felt violated by the sudden curiosity about his mother. His assumption between them that they were neither expected to bring up their troubled parent figures casually was suddenly shattered, he sat up and glared at Seungyun, “I don’t know, she barely calls, too busy.” he huffed irritably. Seunghyunn hummed and Jiyong anticipated another question,
“Does she go to Seoul sometimes? Y’know ‘cause she might be doing one of those news thingies that you’d have to travel to-”
“I dont fucking know, hyung,” he growled, interrupting him abruptly.
“Right,” the other nodded.
“The fuck are you so curious for?” he snapped and Seunghyun held his hands up in surrender, mouth open- about to defend himself. “Look, just because your dad is back and you’re allowed to talk about it to me doesn’t mean that you get to ask and suddenly act so fucking curious about Mom,” he accused with a tightened jaw.
Seunghyun frowned at him as Jiyong scrambled to stand up before him, “What is your problem?!” he argued with clenched fists as he towered over Jiyong. The other looks up at him with equal rage glaring through Seunghyun’s eyes. “You, you’re the problem!” he yelled furiously, Seunghyun blinked, anger faltering because he wasn’t aware that Jiyong had that capability inside of him to be furious at him, yes maybe to other people— but to Seunghyun?
He sighed heavily and Jiyong couldn’t help the anger that bubbled up his throat as he tried to reason with him: “Look-”
“No! Hyung- just say what you want, don’t try to fucking act like the mature one because you always end up just lying to yourself!” Jiyong accused, shoving him so harshly that the back of his knees hit against his bed and made him sit down on the mattress. It was clear to Seunghyun that he wasn’t angry about his mom, he was angry about something else- something deeper than how troubled he must be from a troubled connection with his mother.
Seunghyun blinked at him, stunned with his lips apart, watching Jiyong breathe heavily as he glared down at him. “I don’t know what you mean,” he said shakily, almost terrified of the person before him, unsure of what he was saying.
Jiyong scoffed bitterly, “Forget it, with you no one wins,” he seethed.
Seunghyun watched the anger melt away to frustration as he sighed heavily, unsure of what to do. “I don’t think this is about your mom anymore,” he whispered as Jiyong stared at him with a forced smile, “Yeah, of course, here you go again…” Jiyong’s hurtful words stung Seunghyun as he got back up on his feet and glared down at him. “Well, what do you want me to say Jiyong? One of us has to talk to the other so that we can get over this shit!” he yelled furiously, Jiyong holds his ground, glaring right back at him as he swiftly pulled him down to his height by grabbing his shirt collar. Despite being taller than him, Seunghyun lets himself get manhandled by the other.
“Talk? Is that what you want?” he growled and Seunghyun forced a laugh, “Go on Jiyong, punch me! Take it all out on me, see how that works for you!”
Jiyong raised his clenched fist and Seunghyun shut his eyes and braced for the impact of his fist. Nothing came; Seunghyun’s eyes shot open and Jiyong let him go, or more appropriately shoved him back down to his bed and stood back.
“I hate you,” he muttered to Seunghyun with tired eyes as he picked up his bag from the floor, heading for the door.
Seunghyun nervously laughed, “You’re kidding,” he said after successfully blocking his way from his bedroom door. Jiyong frowned at him and Seunghyun’s heart sank as he saw his careless eyes, it was ironic to think that earlier he was scared of him but now he was scared that he might lose him, his best friend.
“Jiyong- let’s just talk, please-” he protested as Jiyong blinked at him, his distant facade not even trying to hide his relief that once again, Seunghyun begged him to stay, like the night the week before. Jiyong didn’t move an inch, Seunghyun was holding his breath and braced for whatever was coming, whether it was a punch, a slap or him yelling again- he just needed something worth working with from Jiyong.
But he was hit with something the least expected from him, a question; “Did you like it?” this was whispered like he was asking himself and Seunghyun knew then, exactly what this was about.
Seunghyun shook his head slowly, “I… I really don’t know,” he mumbled quietly. Jiyong huffed, “Step away then, I…” he began but the words were shoved down his throat as he saw Seunghyun’s confused eyes.
“You what?”
Jiyong sucks in a breath and runs his fingers through his hair, “I think… I think I can’t be friends with you anymore,” he whispered as his lips shakily formed into a smile. “I just can’t keep pretending that I don’t see you in that way, so…”
“What about Seoul?!” he exclaimed, trying to piece everything back together again. Seunghyun glanced at the door behind him and sighed, “I don’t mind, Jiyong- I don’t mind the kiss,” he repeated desperately in a soft voice, Jiyong huffed, “That’s exactly why, hyung,” he replied hopelessly.
“You don’t think about kissing your friends, you shouldn’t even do that!” he whisper-yelled, pointing at himself with his index finger. “But I did, and I can’t stop thinking about your-” he shut his mouth before he went on any further. Seunghyun sighed heavily, understanding him, hearing him but the questions and the alarms signaling him to say something, yelling at him what was wrong and what was right but his heart pounded so fast inside his chest that it could leap right out of his mouth.
Jiyong braced for rejection, he prepared himself for a scold, an apology.
Instead, he was met with his lips on his own. Everything he did reminded Jiyong of what he had done that night, the way Seunghyun cupped his cheek, and the way he brought him close when Jiyong kissed him. To Seunghyun, his heart was satisfied, he felt whole and complete but the nagging at the back of his mind just wouldn’t shut up.
He would ignore the nagging for today, and he would continue to do so for as long as Jiyong wanted him.
They pulled away from each other, watching each other breathe heavily. “I’m- I’m sorry…” he muttered quietly as Jiyong shook his head, “No, don’t be sorry,” he whispered. “I just- we can’t tell people, it’s-” Seunghyun wanted to ramble but Jiyong placed his hand over his mouth. “I don’t mind not telling other people,” he admitted with a smile.
“So… we’re okay?” the older boy asked, Jiyong nodded.
“We’re alright,”
Seunghyun went to sleep that night with little to no noise inside his head, the noise being thoughts of Jiyong, his laugh, his eyes, his smile, and his lips. He cozied up under his blankets, his eyes darted around his dark room as he let his mind linger on the thought of Jiyong as if he was an angelic piece he couldn’t get off his head until he attempted to execute it with a pen or a pencil on a piece of scratched paper.
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Jiyong and Seunghyun kept their word to each other, to not tell anyone and not be affectionate out in public. They both reluctantly agreed that they were still friends, just friends who liked to kiss each other sometimes. Because that was all there was to it, they both liked the affection, the feeling of their stomach doing somersaults and their heart running a mile. Their labelless affection went on for months up until they graduated, and none of them asked questions about each other’s feelings for the other, simply for the reason that it was unnecessary. Both were content, both were happily receiving warmness from one another, yet all Seunghyun could think was; will this last?
They graduated high school, and Seunghyun’s mom insisted he rest for a few months from school, like the last summer before he decided to either work or pursue college. College was a no-brainer decision, it was too expensive. Jiyong on the other hand had his life in his hands, so he decided to work part-time in a DVD-renting palace to save more money for their runaway plan to Seoul (which Seunghyun was still unsure about). Seunghyun thought it was impulsive but a job like that made so much sense for Jiyong, smiling and charming customers into buying whatever was based on a customer’s interest. He did have a keen eye for movies.
Since Jiyong was usually at work almost every day, Seunghyun was left to his own devices at home. He occupied himself with chores, his guitar, or his oil pastels.
“What are you making?” His dad asked, peering over from his shoulder as Seunghyun’s oil-pastel-stained fingers glide along the paper, smudging the hues of yellow and orange. The sunrise was nearly finished, all he had to do was smudge the remaining bits of color that weren’t blended seamlessly with his fingers.
Like Jiyong, his dad was a bit nosy. He liked to stop mid-chore and check in on him, usually, he’d be doing homework- but since it was the summer, he made the most of it by continuing his newest hobby. Seunghyun got used to it, what could he do anyway if his dad hadn’t done anything to give him a reason to be mad?
His dad tutted continuously, indicating there was something wrong. Seunghyun’s head shot up beside him, “What? What’s wrong?” he asked frantically. He was stunned as his dad walked to his dresser and picked out a cotton swab from its container before handing it to him, “What’s this for?” he asked, clueless. His dad smiled, “Try that instead of your fingers, I know oil pastels are hard to get rid of,” he explained as Seunghyun nodded slowly before attempting to smudge the colors with the cotton swab. It was effective alright, but he was too shy to say thank you before his dad chuckled at his amazed reaction and left to do the dishes.
Jiyong returned to his normal talkative self once they defined their “friendship” and Seunghyun did the same with much less enthusiasm considering everything that had been going on at home. His dad was still hovering around and his mom only ever apologized for letting him barge in again into their lives, but so far his dad had done nothing but try, try and make up for the absence that he left in Seunghyun’s life. He did his best to cheer him up, taking him to parties and doing little “smoke breaks” in between breaks when he was on duty. Seunhyun noticed but he thought that Jiyong believed he liked going to parties, he let him believe that because Jiyong was still his friend, cheering him up and rooting for him. Like he always does.
So yet again, he gets dragged to another party this time Daesung and Youngbae tag along. Seunghyun had an assumption that the pair of juniors had a fear of missing out on things, which is why they kept close to Jiyong and him. Seunghyun wouldn’t say that he’s popular but Jiyong was- with how many people would ask him about things, whether it be about school or what it felt like to be part of the kid’s show he did when he was a kid before they moved into town from Seoul.
Seunghyun vaguely remembered the two of them as kids, listening to Jiyong ramble on and on about how he missed Seoul and his dad. He never thought that Jiyong was annoying when he did it, what annoyed him as a kid was that he was just so nosy, asking about why his dad listened to foreign music so early in the morning, and to little Seunghyun- it felt like an insult because he liked the music his dad put on.
Compare Jiyong to now, as he drank from a bottle of soju and sang along to the music at the house party. His growth is surreal, but he is still the same Jiyong Seunghyun who came to know and love. He was a mess, his hair touseled and his clothes a bit wrinkled as he danced along the music mindlessly. Jiyong could be in any level deep of a mess but Seunghyun would still find him attractive.
“He’s gonna get so wasted,” Daesung murmured to Seunghyun. “I told you we shouldn’t have come! It fucking stinks in here,” Youngbae complained to Daesung as the other ignored him, rolling his eyes in response.
Seunghyun chuckled at the pair, “Look- everything will be alright, just stick with us alright?” he encouraged as he ruffled Youngbae’s hair. “I should’ve brought Hyorin!” he whinged as Daesung slapped him on the back of his neck, “God, it’s worse enough you’re swapping spit with her since summer started, now you want to bring her into this shit?!” he scolded him as Youngbae groaned in annoyance.
Jiyong grinned wildly at the three of them, handing Seunghyun the soju, “Drink!” he encouraged as he wrapped his arms over Youngbae and Daesung. “You guys… I’m excited that you’re here!” he yelled over the music, voice slightly slurred and Seunghyun reminded himself to slow down with the drinks.
“Thanks for inviting us, hyung!” Daesung exulted as Youngbae nodded along, “It’s only 8 p.m. and you look drunk!” he exclaimed with a laugh as Jiyong raised a brow at him, eyes narrowing as he swayed to the music clumsily, “Isn’t that the point?” he slurred as he let goes of the juniors with a sigh.
Jiyong found a couch for them to lounge on, Seunghyun sitting beside him, and Daesung and Youngbae were on his opposite side. Seunghyun grabbed a red cup from the coffee table amongst the stack of others and poured himself a little bit before handing the soju to Daesung. He shook his head, “Maybe next time, hyung,” he declined politely before handing it over to Youngbae who already got himself a red paper cup and poured himself a shot.
“Jesus,” Seunghyun muttered in amazement as Youngbae downed the whole cup in one go. Jiyong laughed hysterically, “Yes! There it is, Youngbae the Great, no soju too light, no shot too much!” he joked gleefully, bumping his shoulder against Seunghyun’s.
Seunghyun regretted supporting Jiyong’s idea of Daesung and Youngbae tagging along, the thought of handling them would require more patience and responsibility never crossed his mind once he said yes. He says yes to Jiyong a lot more often than he should be. The regret runs deep as Youngbae had his shoulder around Daesung for support and Jiyong’s arm around Seunghyun’s, more to lay on him than for support. The sober pair led their drunk friends outside the house and once they were on the sidewalk, Daesung paused to take a breath ignoring Youngbae’s incoherent murmuring.
“Hyung, we’ll be on our way! Thanks so much,” Daesung said, voice filled with gratitude. Seunghyun thanked God for the blessing that is Daesung. “Anytime, be safe!” he called to the pair as they walked away from them.
Seunghyun lowered his head to peek at Jiyong’s face. He looked right back at him with pink cheeks and glassy eyes. “Why’d you have to let yourself be so drunk, dude?” he asked rhetorically as he tugged on Jiyong’s arm around his shoulder. He began to walk, and Jiyong’s sluggish steps followed.
“I wanted to take you there to cheer you up!” he exclaimed with a slurred voice. Seunghyun laughed lowly. " You cheered me up alright,” he replied, as Jiyong nodded lousily. After a while, Jiyong wriggled his arm from Seunghyun as he began to drag his own feet. “I can walk fine now,” he assured him, as Seunghyun hummed, making sure to stay alert for when he topples over.
The street was quiet, apart from the house party noise only a few meters away from where they were walking, wind brushing against them making Jiyong shiver and rub his arms with the palms of his hands. No one was around and barely any cars were driving around the neighborhood so late at night, it was just their shoes against the cement, walking themselves home. “You’re coming with, aren’t you?” he asked, interrupting the peace. Seunghyun looked over him, “To where?” he questioned back. Jiyong smiled brightly, “Anywhere, hyung.” he said whimsically, spreading out his palms exaggeratingly. Jiyong laughed at his unimpressed expression, “I don’t get why you’d always ask that Jiyong, I’m not going anywhere,” he assured him firmly as Jiyong shrugged lazily, “I dunno either… I think…” he huffed and then trailed away, lost in thought.
“You think…?”
“I think that I’m just scared of living life without you,”
The sounds of their shoes against the sidewalk halted, Seunghyun turned to meet Jiyong’s glistening eyes under the moonlight, this made him turn to the night sky, peppered with bright stars, and the full moon was there- staring back at them. “Did you hear what I said?” Jiyong asked, Seunghyun looked down at him with a perplexed expression. “Yeah, I heard you,” he replied in a low voice. Jiyong took a step closer to him, dangerously close to him.
“Ji, we’re in public-” Seunghyun’s lips were pressed against Jiyong’s index finger, “No one is watching,” he whispered with a mischievous smirk. Seunghyun smiled at his goofiness and leaned down, Jiyong’s lips met his like matching puzzle pieces, it all felt perfect. He wishes for everything to stay in this moment, no Seoul, no dad, no job- just Jiyong. Jiyong and his pretty eyes with his cool voice and soft lips. He could live with that, he could live with nothing in the world as long as Jiyong was there beside him. Seunghyun could feel his stomach doing somersaults and his heart beat rapidly in his chest, the feeling lingered as Jiyong suddenly pulled away and bolted away from him.
“Wha-” Seunghyun was about to say something and then gave up, chasing the boy who ran down the road, straying from the sidewalk. “Catch me!” he whooped as he bolted through the winding road. Seunghyun was too tired and was too far to catch up, only jogging lightly.
Jiyong then tripped over his feet, his jorts not long enough for his knees to be protected from the asphalt as he fell over, causing him to yelp in pain. Seunghyun sped up as he heard a car engine nearby, and thought that it would just stop when the driver had seen them.
It all happened so fast when Seunghyun saw Jiyong stand up with a pained expression as he assisted him, their figures illuminated by headlights. There was a loud alarming sound of a horn from the car, Seunghyun widened his eyes as he saw how fast the car was nearing them and without thinking, shoved Jiyong with all his arm strength towards the sidewalk. Seunghyun rememberes hearing tires, skidding against the road and Jiyong's earshot scream that could be heard from miles. He remembered the excruciating pain that rang out through his body, making him limp against the asphalt.
"HYUNG!"