Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Un-break My Heart

Pairing: Jackson and April

Rating: T, maybe a little M but not too much

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or anything else, only for entertainment purposes.

Chapter 1

He ran his hands through his head over and over, sighing as he stared down at the ground. He hadn't even realized he was crying that was until he saw a tear fall past and hit the dark pale speckled ground.

"Do you really want this?"

Those words kept replaying, and he didn't know how to stop it. He shook his head from his thoughts; he needed a distraction to stop him from continually going back to that room that brightly lit room; staring back at a face that looked so heartbroken.

How could he have let it get this bad? He hadn't answered her because if he was honest with himself, no, no it wasn't what he truly wanted. That was why he was so torn hours later. He knew it should be what he wanted; excuse me, what he needed at this point in their relationship. There was nothing left to fix, so why did he feel this way?

Her face that was why he felt so terrible, that sweet face he had loved so much, and still did; it was broken and replaced by one that completely overtook, which read sadness. He knew it had been because of the divorce and not wanting to work things out, but this is what he needed. It still didn't make anything better.

Most guys would be happy that their divorce was final, but the thought of being 'happy' even if for a minute didn't seem a likely possibility. Maybe he loved too much, her, everything about her, that it wouldn't matter if he was a 'normal' guy or not, it still hurt like hell.

"Jackson. Foods here." The knock and voice that escaped from Ben on the opposite side of that door, made Jackson look up from the spot he had continued to stare at. Food. That didn't seem like something he could manage right now, but he knew that he had to act semi-normal in the presence of his co-worker. He knew that Ben would understand if he wasn't up for anything, but he still needed to pretend at least for the time being that he was in fact fine.

"Yup." He responded loud enough so Ben could hear him through the thick door.

He sat with Ben, knowing Miranda had to work late, which he was thankful for because he didn't need to see her disapproving stares right now. He was working on getting his own place, but he was grateful for them to put him up for the time being. He was also thankful that Ben sat with him in silence, not in a bad awkward way, but in an understanding one.

"I'll clean up, you go." Ben pointed towards the room that Jackson had been occupying and then looked back at Jackson.

Jackson nodded and gave him a weak smile.

"Wait, wait one second. You are pregnant?!" Arizona stared down at April, who looked happy about this news. Finally taking a seat down next to April, trying to find the right words "This is a happy thing?"

April finally looked over at Arizona's face and smiled "Yes, I mean I think so."

Arizona continued staring at her, but unsure how to respond next. "But, you guys just got divorced." April raised her eyebrows "Whoa, I just mean that isn't this the worst timing ever?"

April chuckled, which Arizona was a little confused about given that it didn't seem like a time to laugh. "I'm merely laughing because you are so right, I found out I was pregnant the morning of my meeting with the divorce lawyers to finalize my marriage ending." April snorted as she continued to laugh, making Arizona join in on the laughter "So you'll excuse me, but I find this quite funny" grabbing her stomach as Arizona continued to laugh.

The laughter instantly died down as April stared down at her hand on her stomach, she inhaled and felt even more amount of stuff hitting her, like a ton of bricks right across the face.

"Are you going to tell him?"

April looked up quickly at Arizona's expectant expression. She hadn't even thought of that at this point, and she wasn't sure what scared her the most. Telling him or the fact that she didn't want to.

"No."

Arizona raised her brow and pursed her lips.

"What's that face for?"

Arizona shook her head "Nope. I don't think it's my business to tell you what I think."

April scoffed "When has it ever been not okay to express your feelings on anything? You are the most honest person I know!"

"Do you really want to know what I think?"

April shrugged, grabbing her stomach again and nodded quickly.

"You're not going to like it."

April rolled her eyes "Just tell me."

"Well, for starters missy, I think it's really wrong that you didn't tell him when you were in there signing the papers. Maybe that—"

"No, that's exactly what I didn't want to do Arizona. I didn't want him to stop the process just because I was pregnant. This is why I don't know if I want to tell him or not. I don't want him thinking I got pregnant on purpose, to keep him or some sort of twisted idea. That I did it to keep our marriage alive, when I would never do that. I tried hard to keep that marriage and fight for us, but he chose to end it. Therefore, don't tell me you think I should have told him in that office when I had every right not to. The moment I asked him if he really wanted the divorce and he didn't say anything, was when I knew I couldn't tell him"

"Whoa, wait. I'm not saying that you are doing it to trap him or whatever."

"No, I didn't think you were saying it, but I know he would think that."

"That's just the thing; does it really matter at this point? He's the father; he has a right to know you are pregnant with his child, especially after—"

"Don't you dare! Don't." April said, feeling the tears start to form.

"Okay, okay." She placed her hands up in the air to try and calm her down "I'm sorry, okay? Please, that's not what I am trying to say. I guess everything I am saying is coming out wrong."

April sniffled, wiping at her eyes, feeling everything coming up that she hadn't realized was still brewing.

"What I'm trying to say" Arizona spoke up again, hoping it would come out the way she was trying to "is that don't you think he deserves to know? I mean think about it the opposite, what if he was pregnant and didn't tell you, wouldn't you be upset?"

April furrowed her brow, the laughter immediately followed by both of them.

"You know what I mean."

April chuckled once more and nodded "Yeah, I guess I see your point. I am just not ready to tell him yet."

"Well, look, I bought a bunch of alcohol, so can we just spend tonight with me drinking a ton and you telling me what's wrong with my dating relationships."

April laughed once more and nodded. "Sounds like a perfect night."

April had not thought about how work would be between her and Jackson. She spent the weekend with Arizona, binge-eating and binge-watching Netflix. She kind of 'escaped' and created this safe-place with Arizona in her apartment and she had enjoyed that so much, but here she was back at work and she wasn't sure how she would cope.

Luckily she had not run into him yet, but it was only 20 minutes into her rotation. So she was trying not to make it seem like she was avoiding him, but she did in fact avoid places she knew he would more than likely be at.

"Hey, Kep. I need your help." She jumped, looking over at the voice that had appeared apparently out of nowhere next to her. She sighed when she saw it was just Nathan.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." He smiled as he saw her funny expression.

"Oh no, sorry, I guess I'm just a little jumpy. Had too much caffeine already"

Nathan nodded, but laughed as her face still seemed to be registering what was going on.

"I need your help with my patient. She reminds me a little of you, and you are just the sweetest ever, so you will help me right?"

She narrowed her eyes at him "Um, where exactly at?"

Nathan looked at her a little confused, but put two-and-two together, when he saw her staring around the hospital.

"Don't worry; it's not where he will be. I heard he's in surgery till later." Nathan leaned in as he whispered this to her.

April raised her eyes to look at him, and stared a little shocked.

"Well, it's a little on the obvious side, you don't have to say anything though, I am on your side." He said shrugging.

She rolled her eyes, hitting him on the side "Ha, ha, very funny. I am not—" She stopped talking mid-way when her stomach turned. She gulped feeling like she was going to pass out from how badly she felt.

"Uh, April. You okay?" He asked, when she stopped talking and now looked like she was struggling between throwing up and running away.

April shook her head as she ran, but quickly stopped knowing it was going to happen sooner than later, grabbing the nearest canister and throwing up all of her contents.

A few people were staring, some didn't even care, and some started whispering.

"Are you okay?" Nathan whispered as April stood up straight, wiping away at her mouth with the napkin that he handed towards her.

She nodded, but he didn't seem to really believe her.

"I'm fine. I just ate really bad food last night, and I think my stomach is not agreeing with it. This happened last night." She said, waving her arm back and forth at him.

He finally nodded "Um, listen about you helping me, I think you should sit out. Why don't you go get something in your stomach that will make you feel better."

"No, Nathan, really I'm fine."

Nathan, grabbed her arm softly and pulled her into an empty room. "The things I need you for include possibly taking radiographs." He looked down at her stomach "I can't have you in there."

She furrowed her brow and stared at him very confused, but when he continued looking down at her stomach, it immediately clicked "What. I'm fine."

He shook his head "No, you are pregnant, aren't you? I can't risk you in there with me, I'm sorry, but no. That's final."

April opened her mouth to continue arguing, but she knew he was right. So instead she nodded in agreement.

"Alright, I'll find you later and we can get some food…well that's if you are feeling better, okay?"

April chuckled softly and nodded once more.

"Hey, Nathan?"

He turned to look back at April, who looked now even smaller than she had a while ago.

"Can we keep this between you, me and my gyno?"

He smiled and shrugged "I have no idea what you are talking about." He winked at her and waved at her before exiting.

She inhaled slowly and exhaled as she exited the room, she really hoped no one else would come to that conclusion but nobody was staring at her in a funny way or for the matter at all.

"No, I think I am better at that—"

April opened her eyes wider as she heard his voice, that voice that made her whole body quiver, right behind her.

She knew it was too late, she couldn't just go the other way, she knew he had spotted her from the way he stopped talking. So instead she turned to stare at a very stern and serious Jackson and one of his interns, who looked confused why Jackson had stopped talking."

"Hi." Jackson finally said, wanting to close his eyes at how stupid that sounded. The first thing he says to her after their divorce is 'hi', seriously?

April didn't mind, she just kind of wanted to get out of there, and was thankful he didn't see the interaction of what had just happened not even 5 minutes prior.

"Hi." April said, looking back and forth between the two. "Um bye." She said, walking away. She couldn't do the whole small-talk with Jackson, not right now at least. She hadn't expected him to be here, Nathan had specifically said he was in surgery, but maybe his schedule got switched up.

She felt like he would sense she was hiding something, he knew her too well and that scared her too much. She could feel his eyes on her as she walked away, and she closed her eyes as she tried her hardest to not look back at him.

Truth was all she wanted to do at that moment was kiss him, tell him she was sorry and that she just wanted them back together, that signing those papers was a huge mistake. That she was pregnant with his baby, and that just maybe they could work out everything they couldn't in the past now, but none of that happened or was going to happen anytime soon. She hadn't realized but her stomach turned once more and she found herself finding a more secret place to throw up, with no one to stare at her this time.

What April didn't know was that Jackson was feeling the exact same way, minus a few details, he just wanted to tell her a lot that he didn't get a chance to or that he couldn't the day they signed those papers. So instead he dove into talking and instructing his intern what to do. Only to go back to thinking of April and what she was thinking right now.

TBC…..

Chapter Text

Chapter 2

"So, are you going to tell him?"

April groaned, trying not to come off as rude but she was not in the mood to answer this question AGAIN.

"I'll take that as a no." Nathan said, chuckling as he watched her still ignoring him as she took a sip of her decaf coffee.

April shook her head "Why does everyone keep asking me that?" She finally turned to stare at him. He looked a little shocked at her response, but went along with her.

He shrugged "Maybe because it's a valid question."

She rolled her eyes for the 2nd time in a matter of a few hours. "Maybe it's a stupid question that just makes it seem like you are being nosy and getting in my business when I don't really want to talk about it."

Nathan raised his eyebrows, wanting to laugh at her answer. She was even feistier than she usually was and he knew it had to do with her divorce. She had mentioned it to him, not to mention he overheard when she yelled at him, but she cried and he held her. He had a very similar experience, so he knew that April felt safe with him.

"Either way, it's still a valid question."

"Ugh, why do you have to be so…so…so you?"

He shrugged once more, taking a sip of his regular coffee "Because that's the only way I know how to be, and since when has that ever bothered you? Maybe it's the decaf." He pointed at her cup that she had in her hand, blaming the coffee for her actions.

"I can't have regular, too much caffeine and that's not healthy for the baby. & your attitude has never really bothered me until you got so nosy."

He chuckled, staring down at her belly.

"Stop." April said looking around, hoping no one caught him staring down at it as they were in the cafeteria and she wasn't sure who was around.

He sighed "Sorry, I just can't believe you are pregnant, I mean, I can, but it's just weird."

She laughed "Why is it so weird?" She whispered, mocking his manner.

"I don't know, it just is. So, are you telling him?"

April groaned once more "I don't know, okay? Jackson and I….well, we just got divorced Nathan, how the hell would I open up about that?"

"Mm, how about, 'Hey Jackson, I'm pregnant…oh and it's yours by the way.' That kind of sums it up just about right." Making his voice girly and mouse-like.

She laughed "No, I would never say it like that, and I do not sound like that."

"Meh, whatever, you just need to talk to him. Oh, how about now?"

April raised her brow "What do you—"

"He's right there, why don't you…."

"No! Oh my god, go, I have been trying so hard to avoid him, yet here we are for the second time going to 'bump' into each other." April said, trying her hardest to whisper but not seem like she was whispering.

Nathan just stared at her "April, you might want to stop squirming."

"What, why?"

Nathan nodded his head towards Jackson, "He's um, he's coming over here."

"What?" April said it louder than she had meant and was wanting more than anything to get up and run out of here, but it was too late. Nathan was right, within seconds Jackson was standing next to them. Was he doing this on purpose? Was he trying his hardest to make her uncomfortable after their divorce?

"Hi."

April wanted to roll her eyes, to tell him that he could use more of his vocabulary to voice his presence. He seemed to feel comfortable with that word, so April turned to look at him. He was alone this time, and looked equally as uncomfortable with this interaction.

Nathan smiled at him and nodded. "Do you want to sit?"

"Oh, I'm fine; I just came over because I need to borrow April for a second, if that's okay?"

April looked super confused and so did Nathan. He nodded "Yeah, oh yeah, we were just finishing up anyway."

Jackson pursed his lips and stared back and forth between them.

April looked over at Nathan; he gave her a 'I'm with you' stare and mouthed "Tell him" as Jackson turned to leave with April. April shook her head and followed Jackson to wherever he was taking her.

He led her to an empty on-call room, which brought back so many memories, and made her heart break even more than it was standing here in front of him. If only he didn't look so damn good, if only he didn't smell wonderful and if only he didn't stare at her the way he was right this moment.

She felt her stomach turning again, and the thought of her running out of there to throw up would definitely raise some red-flags, so she needed to try and distract the itching nausea away. The only way she knew how to avoid it just till he left was to focus on his eyes, gulping every so often to try and push the vomit down.

"So?" April said, staring at him hoping he would start talking soon, considering she wasn't feeling very good.

"Um, I wanted to give this to you." He said, handing her an envelope.

April stared at it, confused but taking it regardless of how she felt. She wasn't sure if she should open it, but she didn't know if she wanted to know what was inside.

"It's a copy of the divorce paperwork, as well as my ring. I know we bought that together, but I didn't want to just get rid of it, I thought it would be better to give it to you."

April didn't stare at him as he said these words; she looked down at the envelope the whole time, mainly because she was trying to mask the tears that were pushing their way past.

"Are you trying to hurt me?"

Finally looking up to meet his eyes, he looked shocked but stern.

"What? No!"

"Then why would you give me this stuff a few days after our divorce?"

Jackson sighed "April, I just thought it would be better for me to give them to you than a lawyer or somebody you didn't really know to hand deliver this to you, I wanted to personally give you the ring. It meant a lot to us and I don't want to just toss it or think it meant nothing."

April shook her head, allowing herself to cry, and she knew partly why she was so upset was the hormones; she knew that Jackson wasn't doing it maliciously, but it still hurt her feelings.

"I didn't come here to fight with you, April, it's just the opposite. I want us to be able to work in the same place and be civil towards one another."

April nodded, but continued to tear up "I'm sorry, I don't want to argue or fight either. Just, what did you expect?"

He shrugged "I don't know, I really didn't know how to go about seeing you for the first time after that whole thing, or how I am supposed to act around you. This is so new to me, you have always been in my life April, every single time we have broken up….we've always been able to get back our friendship. I want that to continue."

April scoffed "I can't just be your friend…." Jackson's eyes shifted, she knew those words hurt him "I can't right now; you have to give me time. There is no way I could just jump into being friends, you know?"

He nodded "I know, I guess I just don't…"

"I should probably go."

April could see his resistance to her wanting to go; it seemed like he had more he needed to say.

"Did you have anything else you needed to say?"

He shook his head "No, thank you for not reacting, well you know?"

April nodded, but couldn't find any words to say to him. She exited the room, and exhaled out loud. Is this how it was going to be every single time? Them not even being able to look at each other barely, or feeling this way? She knew transferring wasn't an option, but seeing him every single day would be something she wasn't sure she could handle.

~0~0~

"So, it went that bad, huh? The ring is really nice though. I can see why he wanted to give it back. That was nice of him." Arizona said, twirling the ring in her fingers.

April snatched the ring from her hands and shook her head "It didn't go bad, it went worse than expected and I cried in front of him. This baby is going to make me a hot mess."

Arizona laughed "Well, that's hormones for you. How are you doing, I heard you threw up?"

April lifted her head to meet Arizona's eyes and stared shocked. Who told her?

"Uh, Riggs and I have become good friends since you introduced us, he figured out that I was your gyno and he said something about keeping it between us three."

April laughed "I should have guessed."

"So you still didn't tell him?"

April grabbed a slice of pizza from the table, Arizona had promised to come over as long as she had food, which she did so wonderfully.

Taking a bite out of it and staring at Arizona "Mmm, no. It wasn't the right time. I just need to figure out when that is. Maybe I'll go into hiding, and then I'll never have to tell him ever."

Arizona shook her head "Well, that would be fantastic, in a fantasy world, but you don't live there."

"Maybe I'll just wait till the perfect time."

Arizona rolled her eyes "Oh yeah, because in your mind the perfect timing is never."

"No, I'll tell him. I promise, just I am not sure when that is going to be."

They chuckled as they continued eating their pizza.

~0~0~

"It was very, very awkward. Not to mention her face was heartbroken. I want her in my life; I just didn't expect it to be so hard every time I see her."

Ben nodded, grabbing the glass with whiskey off of the coffee table and taking a swig. It was another night without Bailey so it was a guys' night in.

"Well I'm sure she appreciated the return of the ring, did you have to do it so soon after though?"

Jackson sighed "I don't know man." Now being the one to take a long chug of his drink.

"Do you miss her?"

It was silent and Ben could sense that Jackson wasn't wanting to share too much of that, but he wanted to be here for him.

"Every day."

They stayed silent again.

Jackson finished his drink and got up "I'm gonna hit the hay." He said, feeling like his emotions were clouding everything. He could still smell her, and he craved her every minute of every day.

Ben nodded, not needing to say anything else, just quickly patting him on the shoulder as he stood up next to him.

~0~0~

4 months later

"Why do I have to wear that?" April said loudly enough for Arizona to hear given she was in the bathroom looking at what Arizona was providing for her.

"Because…" She poked her head inside "you are starting to show, and since you are still hiding it from a certain no-name, that's the best thing I could find that is safe for baby and mommy. Put it on, I want to see how it looks on you."

April groaned "But I don't think I'm showing with my scrubs yet."

"Ummm, honey, I don't mean to be rude, but yes, you are. You are all belly, and so we can't spin the 'Well she just gained a few pounds' story, when you aren't fat anywhere else. Now, no more arguments just put it on."

"Fine, but if I look slightly weird, I'm taking it off."

"See, it's perfect." Arizona said as April came out to show her.

"Now, you have the ultrasound at 12, so do as we had scheduled okay?"

April nodded, but continued staring in the mirror at her belly. Arizona was right, she had been showing, and she was wondering if anyone had noticed, no one had said anything so she was grateful for that.

"I'm telling him." She finally spoke up.

Arizona turned quickly, looking at her shocked. "Wait, what? When did you decide this?"

April shrugged "Does it matter? I'm telling him."

Arizona gulped, feeling a knot turn ever so slightly.

"What's the face for? I thought you wanted me to tell him. 3 ½ months of non-stop 'tell Jackson, when are you telling him, why haven't you talked to him' and now nothing?"

Arizona shook her head "No, that's fantastic, but um."

"What?"

"I don't think you should tell him."

April raised her eyebrow "Why?"

Arizona pursed her lips and sighed "I don't know if this is true or not, but I was told by Callie that Jackson is seeing someone."

Arizona did not look at April when she said this, because she couldn't stand to see her upset face.

April felt like someone had punched her in the stomach, and considering her current situation that was bad. . .

"Please say something." Arizona said, finally looking up to see a tear-stricken April staring back at her.

"Ow."

"Ow?" Arizona questioned.

"Ow….ow." April said, grabbing onto her stomach. "Something's wrong, Arizona."

"What? Okay, okay, let's get you to the hospital now, it could be nothing…" Arizona saw the fear in Aprils face "No, no it WILL be nothing. Okay?"

"Please, I don't want this baby to…"

"I know, sweetheart, I know."

Arizona wasn't sure if it was the feeling of heartbreak that Jackson might possibly be seeing someone or if there was another complication; whatever the case was, she didn't want to see her friend go through another heartbreak.

TBC….