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Minho wants to die.
And to understand why, we’d have to take it back to a week ago, when he had told his daughter it’d be alright for her to bring a friend home for a sleepover.
“ Haena, ” Minho says sternly in Korean, the girl freezes from her perch on the kitchen counter. “ You will not be sleeping over at some stranger’s house. You are fifteen.” He chides, hands still busy with the pasta in front of him. His daughter groans, head thrown back in frustration. She sits up indignantly, eyes turning into slits, the expression eerily similar to his whenever he takes offense on anything.
“But Appa ,” Her previously annoyed stance slumps into one of defeat, voice thick with the accent she had gotten from her father. “She’s not a stranger. She’s my best friend .” She explains, hands flailing around her as if to emphasize her point. Minho chuckles as he watches her from the corner of his eyes, hands busy stirring the pot of sauce. “Plus! Don’t even start with the age thing. Daeheon samchon has told me enough stories of you in high school to know you’ve done worse.” She points a finger at her father accusingly. She huffs and pushes herself off the counter.
Minho already knows what she’ll do next, that little gremlin. She stands beside her father, looking up and giving him her best puppy eyes. Minho has to restrain himself from looking at her eyes which he knows are soft and round, knows that he’ll come face-to-face with big doe-like brown eyes looking up at him. The same eyes he could never bring himself to say no to. Haena knows this, Minho knows she knows this. He knows his daughter well enough to know she uses it to her advantage.
“ Appa , please?” Minho makes the mistake of glancing over at her. Her lips are pushed into a pout, hands clasped tightly in front of her chest, round eyes staring into his soul. There are only two pairs of eyes in the world that have the power to make him feel see-through every time he looks into them. Haena’s is one of them.
“I’ll be good I promise!” She says seriously, one hand on her chest as she nods solemnly with her eyes closed. Minho turns off the stove and sighs. You are a weak man , he hears Q’s voice echo in his head. He was, it was no use denying that. Especially for his daughter.
His eyes narrow a bit, contemplating as he turns to his daughter looking up at him with so much hope that it makes his chest tighten with what he knows is affection. Haena blinks up at him, eyes darting over his expression, waiting. Minho clicks his tongue and grumbles under his breath. He’ll never win over her. Ever since she walked into his life, there was not one moment where he won against her. “Okay, fine.” He starts, Haena already cheering. Minho’s heart grows warmer. He thinks he’d do just about anything if it meant watching his daughter’s face light up like that. “I’ll let you have a sleepover.”
Haena yells excitedly, small limbs wrapping themselves tightly around his middle, giving her dad a big hug. A string of thank you’s escapes her lips as she bounces on the balls of her feet. Minho smiles to himself, something small and intimate, one reserved for his daughter.
He manages to wiggle his arms out of her deathly grip to return the favor. He sighs contentedly as he wraps his arms around her small frame, one of his hands cradling the back of her head as he strokes her ivory hair slowly.
“But,” Minho snickers when she groans and pulls away from the embrace to look up at him. She quirks an eyebrow up, the expression on her face telling him Well, get on with it. Minho suppresses a chuckle. It was an expression all too familiar to him. In more ways than one. “You’re having that sleepover here.” He says firmly, using a tone that leaves no room for debate. He switches to Korean, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. His voice sounds softer, rounder around the edges.
“Appa can’t handle you sleeping elsewhere.” He pats the top of her head gently. “Not yet. You’re still my baby.” Haena groans at that, answering in Korean. “Appa, I am not a baby anymore.” Minho smiles, something inside him aching. “I know that. You’re growing into an adult. I know that too. But you will always be my baby, Haena. I will always be your Appa that you can run to when being an adult gets hard.”
He embraces her once more, pushing her face against his chest, cradling her. She’s not as little as she was when he first held her. He knows his Haena won’t stay little, she refuses to. Something between pride and something sadder swells in his chest with that knowledge. His voice drops to something quieter.
“Remember when you used to run to my room because of the ‘monsters’ in your closet back when you were younger? ” He feels Haena nodding her head against him. His mind replays multiple memories of young Haena running to his room. He remembers the nights he held her, the hushed assurances, the stories he made up along the way as a means to calm her. It feels like the memories are so close yet not close enough .
“ Well, just remember if the monsters come to get you again, ” He whispers, his hold on her tightening by a small fraction. “ You can still run to Appa and Appa will hold you through the night. ” He kisses the top of her head. “ You remember that, okay? ” He sighs, resting his cheek on the top of her head, pulling her impossibly closer to him, like she’d disappear if he lets her go.
He doesn’t need to see to know Haena is grinning, he can feel it. The slight change of pressure from where she was pressed against him. “Even if you’re all wrinkly with gray hair?” She switches to English, poking her dad’s side playfully. Minho shakes his head, forever endeared by his daughter, his baby . He rolls his eyes playfully as he lets go of the embrace. He flicks her forehead affectionately, pinching her cheek once which warranted him a groan and a shove.
“Especially when I’m all wrinkly with gray hair.”
Which brings us to today.
Had he known the best friend she was planning to bring home was going to send him into a crisis, opening every door he has forced shut all these years, he wouldn't have agreed to this sleepover. Doesn’t matter if his daughter would give him the silent treatment for months. He can handle that.
“Appa, meet Sakura Covey. She’s my bestest friend ever.”
This . This he cannot handle.
Covey . Just the mention of her name is enough for his hands to tremble. Enough to bring back something that should have been dead a long time ago. And yet, Minho has never been good at keeping things where he buried them. He has never been good at keeping the door closed. He will always look back.
But that’s the thing, no? Ghosts from the past are bound to come back to haunt you if you keep the door open for it to walk right through and back in. Because some spaces are always meant to be occupied by certain people. Some voids you just can’t fill, no matter how hard you try.
His mouth goes dry and it feels like something is pulsating in his throat. He clenches his fist, nails digging into his palm so he can still feel his hands. It feels a bit like cotton is in his ears, his mind buzzing with something he cannot name. He takes a breath in, shaky and shallow.
This can’t be happening. Not right now, not ever.
His eyes scan the girl standing in his living room. At first glance, she looked nothing like her. But then he stares longer and realizes the girl in front of him is definitely her daughter. The bright yellow backpack slung haphazardly over her shoulder, the coffee stain on her sneakers, the horrendous unicorn printed on her shirt. This Sakura is her daughter alright.
But then,
“It’s so nice to meet you, Mr. Moon.”
Minho freezes. At first glance, the girl looked nothing like how he had remembered her. But then the little girl smiled. And that was enough to send Minho into a spiral. It was an echo of the greatest love he has ever known.
The door is wide open, memories of melodic laughter and quiet intimate moments shared between classes all rushing in, he fears he might drown underneath the weight of it all. He remembers the warmth. He knows that enthusiasm, has seen it enough in his last two years at KISS to know where Sakura got it from. So full of hope, so genuine, so bright.
Much to his horror, Sakura had her last name and her smile.
And suddenly, Minho is twenty-four again— lankier, a bit softer around the edges, trembling, about to walk away from the closest thing he’s ever had to something real .
He’s twenty-four and in their shared apartment. In front of him is the girl of his dreams, the only girl he’s ever truly loved. Katherine Song-Covey was looking up at him with tears in her eyes, sobs shaking her whole body. It’s taking everything in him to not take the few strides over and press her against him. But he can’t do that. Not anymore . He has his hands clenched into fists, blunt nails digging into his palm as an attempt to ground himself, to stop himself from reaching. It’s okay , he tells himself. He chants it in his head, bile rising up in his throat as he does so.
“Kitty…” His voice comes out broken, body still trembling with want . Even in this moment, even when the girl of his dreams was about to break his heart— he still wanted her. And he thinks it would be something he’d have to deal with for the rest of his life.
“ Appa? Appa, are you alright?” Haena’s voice pulls him out of there just in time.
He’s brought back to the present. His daughter is watching him, eyebrows furrowed as she tries to decipher the petrified expression on his face. His eyes flick to Sakura who was equally confused. Her mouth is jutted out into a slight pout as she looks up at her best friend’s father.
Minho swallows down the lump forming in his throat and shakes his head, willing himself to lock that memory up in the cage he’s created for it. He can’t break down like this, not in front of them . Not in front of Sakura, the girl bringing a storm of his past and present just by standing inside his home.
He knows how important this is for Haena and he won’t ruin it. He can’t let himself ruin it or else he’d never forgive himself. He clears his throat and steels his nerves. You can do this , a voice chants in his head. He doesn’t let his mind wander for too long, doesn’t let it decipher just who the voice sounded like. Who the voice has always sounded like.
He looks his daughter’s best friend in the eye and smiles at her. He could only hope he doesn’t look like he is seconds away from having a meltdown. Minho hopes those eyes only look like the pair he’s known in the past and don’t see right through him like he was used to back then. Tears sting the back of his eyes as he swallows nervously. He holds his hand out for the girl to shake, his free hand fidgeting with the fabric of his slacks.
To his relief, Sakura doesn’t seem to notice he’s losing his composure with every second he spends in the same room as her. The smile is back on her face as she takes his hand in his, her firm grip and sure . Minho wants to cry, the feel of it all too familiar. He doesn’t trust himself to speak, fears his voice might break. Good thing Sakura does the talking for them. Again, reminding him of someone he should’ve forgotten long ago.
“Thank you for inviting me into your home, Mr. Moon.” She says politely as she gives him a small grin. Minho notices the small dimple on her cheek as she does. He clears his throat and speaks for the first time since he saw her. “Please. Call me Minho.” He has to bite his tongue and stop himself from adding the Covey in the end in addressing her, a habit he never seemed to let go of.
“Make yourself at home.” But, really, what he means to say is welcome home .
Minho excuses himself and lets the girls do their own thing. He walks briskly into his kitchen and lets out the breath he didn’t even know he was holding. He braces himself against the kitchen island, head hung low.
He tries to stop them but the tears roll down his face and onto the marbling of the furniture he’s face-to-face with. He turns around in fear of the girls walking in on him and faces the window by the sink instead. He bites down on his bottom lip stuck between his teeth and clamps down a palm over his mouth, trying his hardest to suppress the sobs racking his whole body. He whimpers against his hand, shoulders shaking with the intensity of his cries.
The door is wide open now and no matter how much he tries to force it closed, the force of everything he has bottled up is too strong to go against. Everything he has buried in the past decade is rushing in, in, in. His whole being aches with it all— the pain, the love, the hurt, the confusion, the want . Even at this moment, he still wants. Even when he’s not supposed to, he still wants .
Meet Sakura Covey . His brain is replaying the moment he’s introduced to the child. A new set of sobs shakes his frame. His eyes are screwed shut as he tries to even out his breathing.
Bad idea.
Because now, Minho is eighteen again. He is eighteen and happy. He is eighteen and in love. He is eighteen and he still has Kitty . His Covey.
They are taking a stroll around campus, the sun setting in the distance. Their hands are intertwined between them as they walk, Kitty swinging it back and forth. And he lets her. He watches with fondness as she animatedly talks about her day, eyes so full of emotion, always so expressive.
She looks beautiful like this. His heart swells in his chest, growing bigger and bigger. So big he fears his body won’t be fit to house it. The setting sun tints the world orange. Everything looks warmer. His heart feels warmer. The light hits her face just right, her hair looking more auburn than usual. She looks beautiful . So free, so full of life, so… Kitty — in every sense of the word.
“Minho?” He snaps out of his daze, realizing he has stopped walking. He doesn’t know when he did but he hopes it hasn’t been that long. Otherwise, he’d look stupid, like a fish out of water with the way he’s been gaping at her.
They stop in front of the cherry blossoms that have begun to bloom. Their tree.
The corners of his lips turn upwards, a smile stretching across his face. “Yes, Covey?” His tone soft, one he only uses around her. It brings a smile to her face. Something close to pride blooms inside of him at the fact that he was the reason behind it. “You okay?” She asks him, thumb brushing along the back of his hand. Something tender aches inside of him at the gesture. He has never been treated as gently as Kitty treats him. He nods, bringing up their hands as he places a soft kiss on hers. “Mhm. I feel great, perfect even.” He answers cheekily. Kitty rolls her eyes but the smile on her face betrays her.
She sighs as she looks up at the branches of the trees arching over them. She tilts her head, her smile growing bigger. She lets go of his hand as she catches one that’s falling right between them. She cups it in her palms. She gestures for Minho to step closer as she lays her palm open, a singular petal on it.
Minho can’t stop the smile that’s growing on his face. His heart keeps growing bigger and bigger. Kitty gestures for him to do the same. After he does, she places the petal she caught in the palm of his hands.
“ Sakura .”
Minho looks up at her inquisitively. His eyebrows furrow, eyes squinting, urging for her to continue. Kitty looks down at their feet and shakes her head, an airy giggle escaping her. She looks back up at him, eyes twinkling with mirth.
“ Sakura ,” She repeats. “Let’s name our daughter that.”
What he doesn’t tell her is that he took the petal that day and carefully hid it in his wallet. He doesn’t tell her he had it pressed and laminated.
To this day, the petal lives between the pages of a copy of her favorite book that he got for himself. She will never know he takes the book from his shelf from time to time to look at it; pressing it against his palms, wishing he could go back to that moment and stay there forever.
His sobs have quieted down, eyes red. He looked exhausted. He felt exhausted.
Sakura , her voice echoes in his head. The same one when he was eighteen.
Sakura .
He places two plates containing sandwiches in front of them. He chuckles fondly as he watches them engage in conversation. His daughter is on the couch sitting beside Sakura, nodding along to whatever the girl is saying. Sakura, on the other hand, was standing, reenacting whatever story it is she’s telling her best friend.
Tears sting in the corner of his eyes as he’s once again reminded of Kitty. She’s always had a knack for storytelling, bringing each story to life with how passionate and expressive she could get. Sakura was the spitting image of her. A reminder of what he lost, mocking him. Taunting him.
He watches as Haena’s hand moves to pick up one of the sandwiches. He tuts and puts an arm out to stop her. He hands her the other one instead and situates the plate he just took from her in front of Sakura. Sakura stops speaking at the action, hand frozen in mid-air. Haena’s eyebrows meet in the middle of her forehead, tilting her head at her father.
Minho bites the inside of his cheek. “That one has mayo.”
Sakura’s face lights up and Minho’s chest aches with fondness for the child he just met. He thinks it’s much like watching the sun rise. Sakura excitedly sits back down, hands grabbing the sandwich he made. She looks up at him brightly, soft brown eyes looking right at him. As bright as the smile is, he can’t bring himself to look away. Haena is smiling proudly at him.
“How’d you know she hates mayo, Appa ?”
Minho bites his tongue. His smile now looking a bit forced. He prays his daughter won’t comment on it. He’s not ready to open that can of worms with her right now.
“Just a gut feeling.”
The girls have tired themselves out a little past midnight and decided to go to bed. He could tell seeing how the Justin Bieber songs that were playing in the other room had stopped, the shrieks and giggles quieting down into hushed whispers. Minho smiles from his place at his daughter’s door. He presses his ear further against the wooden door.
“Haena, your dad is so cool.” He hears Sakura say, he imagines they were painting their nails with the nail polish they had him buy earlier. He hears a scoff, Haena probably. He knows her well enough to know she was probably rolling her eyes.
“He is, isn’t he?” Minho’s chest tightens with affection for his daughter. “The best.” He hears Haena, she says it quieter this time, as if it was meant to be said to herself.
He left them alone and went inside his own room, getting himself ready for bed. His routine isn’t as extensive as it was all those years ago but it’s still much longer than what Haena said was necessary. It’s too bad his daughter didn’t pick up his love for fashion and skincare.
After he’s dressed himself in a pair of silk pajamas, he settles down in bed, tucked under the safety of his blanket. He sighs as he looks up at his ceiling. Something tugs deep in the pit of his stomach at the thought of his ex’s daughter just sleeping in the room adjacent to his beside his daughter. His home is housing the storm that is his past and present, of what he’s lost and what he gained, of what is and what could have been.
A knock breaks him out of his trance, saving him from going down that line again.
His eyebrows furrow as he looks at the digital clock on his nightstand. It was a little past two in the morning. Both of them should be asleep by now. He gets out of bed and pulls his robe on, turning on the light as he walks to his door. He swings it open, expecting Haena to stand there. Except it wasn’t.
Standing in front of his door is Sakura Covey, dressed in Hello Kitty pajama bottoms and a pastel yellow oversized sweater with sleeves that went past the length of her arm. She’s clutching onto a stuffed unicorn, brown eyes looking up at him.
“Sakura? Why are you awake?” Minho asks, concern laced in his voice. He steps out of his room and puts a hand on the girl’s shoulder. Sakura looks to the side and shrugs. “I couldn’t sleep.” She peers up at him. “Is it possible to get some warm milk?” The worried expression on his face melts into something softer, something more familiar.
That’s how he finds himself seated in front of Sakura in his kitchen, mugs of warm milk in their hands, at two in the morning. Silence wraps around them comfortably, a little too comfortably— like it was always meant to be that way. He watches on with careful eyes as Sakura takes small sips from her mug, both hands holding onto it. She alternated from the milk to the plate of cookies Minho had heated up for them. Chocolate chips. Made the way Kitty liked them.
“Mr. Moon,” Sakura calls out, voice quiet to not break the peace of their little bubble. Minho hums in acknowledgement, bringing the mug up to his lips. The ceramic feels warm under his fingertips, enough to fight the chill of the night. “These cookies taste just like my Mom’s.” The mug in his hand freezes mid-air, eyes growing slightly larger, taken aback by the teen’s observation. He coughs awkwardly, putting the mug down before he drops it, hands too shaky. “Hmm. Must be a coincidence then. I doubt they’re as good as your mom’s.”
He watches as Sakura’s eyebrows furrow as she examines the half-finished cookie in her hand. Minho prays she drops it and doesn’t ask more questions. Thankfully, it seems as though the child had believed his explanation. Fortunately, she wouldn’t have to find out that her mom learned to make cookies from Minho, that the recipe her mother used all these years was the recipe Minho specifically developed for both of them.
“Mr. Moon,” She calls out again after a brief moment of silence. “Yes, Kura?” He asks, the nickname slipping from his tongue with ease. Like he was always meant to call her that.
“Is Haena’s mother coming home soon?”
Minho chuckles, something similar to hurt framing its edges. “It’s always just been Haena and I.” Minho thinks it’s almost comical the way Sakura’s eyebrows shoot up to her hairline, jaw dropping slightly. Before the apologies Minho knows has been forming would come out, he waves his hand dismissively. “It’s alright. We wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Minho glances up at the staircase leading up to the rooms. “Haena is the light of my life.” He turns his gaze back to the teen in front of him and gives her a small smile. “She’s my second chance at love.”
Sakura’s head tilts slightly at that. “And the first?”
The first was your mother , he wanted to say. But he can’t, the words stuck in his throat. He couldn’t do that to Sakura. He couldn’t open that door for her. Some doors are meant to stay closed and this was one of them.
Instead, Minho laughs it off. He hopes it sounded convincing. The Coveys have always had the gift of reading people like open books after all. He shakes his head and wills his voice to stay even. He thinks about it for a while and settles with a vague answer. “Wasn’t meant to be.” Minho smiles, tilting his head. “Why do you ask? Have you ever been in love, Kura?”
Sakura laughs, a little high-pitched and breathy. Minho’s chest tightens, it’s all sounding a bit too familiar. “I haven’t.” She answers after swallowing a bite of the cookie. “But my mom tells me about love all the time.”
Of course she would. It brings a smile back on his face. The Kitty he knew loved love too much. She lived and breathed in it. It seemed fitting that she would tell her children all about it.
Minho takes a cookie from the plate and takes a bite from it. “And your favorite?” He asks, Sakura looking at him confusedly. He chuckles, gulping down his cup of milk growing colder and colder the longer the night drags on. “From the stories your mom has told you. Which one was your favorite?”
Sakura thinks about it for a second, nose scrunching slightly, brows furrowed in concentration. Her fingers tap against the marble, deep in thought. The lines on her face smooth out, seemingly finding what she was looking for.
“The love she needed.”
Minho freezes. He knows that love. He’s read it from the letters she had written for him back then.
Sakura doesn’t seem to notice Minho’s face turning pale and continues, taking small bites of her cookie. “My mom told me it was the love that healed her. That it was the love she didn’t have to go looking for because it found her instead. Said that it crept up on her, the love she never expected. It wasn’t the love she realized she wanted at that time, but it was the love she needed.” Sakura looks up, thinking and then laughs. “But I think it was her favorite love. No offense to dad.”
Minho wonders if it was possible for something to heal and break you at the same time.
Sakura remains oblivious to Minho’s inner turmoil and continues talking. “She told me once that if she were to do it all over again, she would have stayed.” Minho’s heart stops beating altogether. “I never knew what she meant by that though.” Sakura’s brows meet in the middle, her forehead creasing.
“But I know she loved him. She loved him a lot. At one point, he meant everything to her. And I’m sure she meant everything to him as well.” Yes. Yes she did. Minho wants to scream. It feels like someone ripped his heart right out of him. The should-have-beens and could-have-beens hanging over him, the weight of it too heavy for his shoulders to carry.
“Did you, Mr. Moon?” Sakura raises an eyebrow at him. Minho is frozen for a fraction of a second, the fear of the girl having him all figured out seeping underneath his skin, thinking she knows . That she’s asking him if he loved her mother the way her mother had loved him. “Did you love your first chance at love like that too?” Minho lets out a breath of relief.
Minho inhales deeply, reeling himself in, trying to find the right words to say.
Slowly, he opens his mouth to answer, praying that he doesn't sound as broken as he feels inside. “I did.” He lets out a breath, like he’s finally freed himself from the shackles he made for himself. “I love her more than anything.” Love. Present tense. He lets out a breathy laugh, looking down as tears prick his eyes. “I don’t think I’ve ever wanted something to that extent ever in my life.”
“Something?”
“To spend the rest of my life with her.”
“So why didn’t you?”
Minho feels like crying and throwing up. Why didn’t he? He doesn’t have it in him to tell the girl he hasn’t figured out that part yet. Or maybe he did, it was just too painful for him to admit it to himself. It is such a different experience to have the questions that have been tormenting you all these years be thrown at you.
He hesitates for a moment before deciding he can be honest. Just this once.
“We both wanted different things.”
“But you loved each other?”
Minho laughs to himself, recalling the happy memories he had with Kitty. For the first time in years, he’s reaching for the door without the soul-splitting ache. It feels warm, the sadness only tinting the edges of it, not enough to overpower the warmth. It feels like reaching for the door to home.
“More than anything. We loved each other most. And I wanted it to be us. It didn’t turn out to be us, but I really wanted for it to be us. So badly.”
The last words hang in the air for a beat or two, none of them daring to break the silence. The weight of the conversation looming over them— familiar yet distant all the same.
They finish the cookies and milk in silence. Minho taking the dishes to the sink, opting to just wash them in the morning. He leads Sakura back up to Haena’s room and tucks her back in bed beside his daughter.
He runs his hand through his daughter’s hair carefully. A smile grows on his face as Minho watches Haena stir in her sleep, leaning into his touch. Even asleep, she reaches for her Appa . Because even in her sleep, she knows where it is safe. She knows where to come home .
He turns to Sakura and tucks her in, heart aching with something familiar as he watches the two girls gravitate towards each other. Sakura blinks up at him as he brushes her hair away from her forehead, taking her glasses and putting them on the nightstand. She was about to fall asleep, Minho could tell with the way her breathing evened out, blinking slower and slower.
He chuckles at the uncanny resemblances of the girl to her mother. Kitty always fell asleep after drinking warm milk too. Minho used to stay up with her, conversing quietly with two mugs of the drink in their old apartment.
He feels warm all over, up to the tip of his toes, as he watches the two be wrapped up in each other.
Minho is taken back to KISS again. He is eighteen and he’s holding his entire world in his arms.
Kitty is curled up against him, finger tracing shapes onto his shirt. The afternoon sun lights up the room, rays of light seeping through the blinds. He hums lazily, pushing his hand up against Kitty’s. She giggles, stretching out her fingers, looking at how small hers looked compared to Minho's.
Minho’s heart tightens impossibly with so much tenderness. He feels Kitty’s happiness. The way it vibrates on his chest where her cheek is pressed against. He decides he likes the way Kitty’s happiness feels.
He looks at their hands and smiles.
Kitty hums, nuzzling into him further, slipping into dreamland. He takes his index finger and thumb, Kitty’s ring finger between them. His fingers press against the skin there for a second, imagining silver there instead. His smile mellows out into something smaller, more intimate, more vulnerable.
“It’s you or no one, Katherine.” He whispers. More of a promise than a wish.
Here he is 24 years later, still keeping that promise. No one came after her. He has never been good at breaking promises he made to Kitty anyways.
He shakes the thought away, a tear slipping down his cheek. He stands up and turns off the light. Before he could walk away from the bed, Sakura grabs the sleeve of his pajamas. He looks down in surprise and waits.
Sakura blinks up at him, eyes roaming his face. She stifles a yawn as her fingers keep their tight grip on his sleeve. Sakura contemplates for a second before she breaks the silence, tone careful.
“I wish it would have worked out between you two, Mr. Moon.” She whispers, before her hand goes slack and her eyes flutter closed.
Minho’s heart aches. He smiles, small and sad. He turns on the night light and starts walking out the door. Just as it’s about to close, he gets a look at the two girls cramped in his daughter’s bed. They had small smiles on their faces. They looked warm, happy, loved . And Minho wants. He’s seen this before.
It looked a lot like the future he had always imagined with Kitty. But it isn’t. Because Kitty isn’t here, she isn’t his. And Sakura is not his daughter.
Let’s name our daughter that . Maybe it’s a little twisted of him, but possessiveness churns in the pit of his stomach. He forces himself to stomp it down. But he can’t help but feel as though Sakura was still his daughter. That in some way, she’s theirs instead of just hers. Sakura was his daughter.
Or at least… she could have been.
She should have been.
Minho closes the door and thinks back on what Sakura said before falling asleep. He shakes his head and walks back to his room. As he enters it, it feels so empty and devoid of life.
I wish so too, Sakura. We would’ve treated each other well .
Minho doesn’t get that much sleep that night. Morning comes too quickly.
He sighs in exhaustion as he turns off his alarm, signaling that it was already 5:30 in the morning. He should get this day started. He pushes himself off his bed, each step feeling like he’s dragging the weight of his own corpse behind him. And perhaps there was some truth to that.
He breezes through his morning routine, everything done out of muscle memory. He makes his way down the stairs and into his kitchen. He takes out the ingredients he needs for pancakes and lays them neatly on the counter. He puts on his apron, a pale blue one with sunflowers all over it.
Before he gets started on breakfast, he closes his eyes and inhales sharply through his nose. It was okay. He’ll just have to get through this morning. And after? The annoying voice in his head echoes. And after, he’d just have to pray there wouldn’t be any more sleepovers with certain best friends in his home.
He enters a daze as he starts making the batter and cooking the pancakes. Stirring and flipping until three stacks of pancakes are on the dinner table. He gets started with washing the dishes and pans before the girls wake up.
Just as he finishes putting the last plate on the rack, he hears footsteps from the stairs. He presses his lips together in an attempt to suppress the growing smile but it’s proven to be futile as the grin is automatic the moment he hears Haena’s “ Appa, are those pancakes I smell? ” She takes a seat, switching between Korean and English as she does every time she gets excited.
After he got everything everyone needed, he finally took his seat at one of the chairs. He smiles, listening to the conversation both teenagers provided, filling in the silence. His smile drops slightly as he looks in front of him, one more chair unoccupied.
It would have been easy, Covey .
“...would that be okay? Appa? ” He breaks out of his trance and turns his attention back to his daughter. Like he expected, her lips are turning downwards into a frown. He reaches out and squeezes her hand, smiling apologetically. “What was that, baby?” He asks his daughter.
“I was saying… Sakura’s mom will pick us up later to go shopping at the mall. Is that okay with you, Appa ? I promise I’ll be good and I’ll be ho…” Minho tunes out his daughter’s rambling in an attempt to convince him. His throat feels constricted and his chest feels impossibly tight, he feels like the world is closing in on him.
Just when he thought things couldn’t get any worse.
He’ll be seeing Kitty again. After 18 years. And he didn’t know if he was ready to handle that. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be ready to handle that. How can he face her again after all these years? He can’t, he doesn’t want to. Not after how things were the last time he saw her.
He is twenty-four again and everything they’ve built is on the verge of falling apart. It’s ironic how everything will end in the same place that they had thought was a symbol of their new beginning. A step towards the life they were to create together.
Only, they hadn’t expected that they were imagining two different lives.
“Minho, get up .”
Three words enough to shatter his whole world.
He remains frozen from where he’s kneeling on the ground, ring still in his hand. He looks up at her, eyes glazed with tears. Surely he hadn’t heard her correctly, right? This was a nightmare, he’s sure it is.
“Minho, please .” Kitty begs, tears already streaming down her face, ruining the makeup she spent hours on. “Minho, get up. Please. Don’t do this.” Minho’s heart is beating out of his chest. He thought… he thought-
“Kitty, what do you mean?” He stammers, hands going slack beside him, not making any move to stand up. Kitty screws her eyes shut and turns to the side, sniffling. Like the next words she was about to say were going to hurt her as much as it will hurt him.
“Minho…” The first sob is wrenched out of her.
Minho is lost. For the first time since he and Kitty got together, he feels lost. He can’t read her, he can’t understand why . For the first time since they got together, Minho can’t read her. He doesn’t recognize the person in front of him.
“Kitty…” The brokenness of his voice rings out in their living room. Kitty sobs harder. It’s taking every ounce of control in his body to not grab her and pull her to him. To hold her close and tell her it will be alright. But he can’t, not anymore. He can’t because nothing will be alright after this. “ Katherine … Please .” The leg holding him up collapses beneath him. He’s on both knees and for some reason, he can’t feel the floor. He can’t feel anything.
“ Minho, I don’t want this .”
“What changed?”
Kitty doesn’t give him an answer, only shaking her head as she starts sobbing into her hand. Her legs give out and she’s now kneeling on the floor in front of him, whole body shaking with the intensity of her cries. “I-I… I don’t know.” She manages to say between sobs.
Minho just stares at her blankly, face devoid of color and emotion. He thought… He feels empty, he feels as though his heart has stopped beating. He can’t feel anything. He could only see, feel, and hear Kitty .
In a moment of denial, he pushes down the dread climbing up from the pit of his stomach. “B-but that’s okay, right? I can always ask again. And the next time I do, you’ll be ready.” And just as he’d feared, Kitty closed her eyes, head hung low. “Right, Katherine?” He repeats, refusing to believe this was happening. He can’t lose her. Not like this.
“That’s the thing… I don’t think I’ll ever be ready, Minho.”
That was what did it. That’s what opened the dam.
Minho lets out his first sob, the sound broken and raw. He starts hiccuping violently, trying to catch his breath between each sob that’s torn out of him. He clenches his fist and beats it against his chest repeatedly, a futile attempt at soothing the ache in his chest. It feels as though he could be split into two.
Kitty trembles and surges forward, wrapping her arms around him. He sobs into her shoulder, ruining the silk material of her dress. “I-I thought… I thought -” He tried to get out, but he was shaking too much from the way he was crying. Kitty whimpers at the sound and pulls him closer, shushing him. She has never seen him this broken before. Ever.
“I thought you wanted this with me, Katherine.” Minho finally gets out. I thought you wanted me , he really wanted to say.
To make matters worse, Kitty’s nails dig into his arm, holding their shaking bodies together. “I thought so too.” She whispers quietly, taking deep breaths in to calm herself down. Minho stammers, trying to think of something— anything to make her stay. To change her mind and have her stay. To have her want him again .
It takes a few minutes for both of them to settle down. Kitty shifted, her previous position becoming too uncomfortable. She’s still sitting in front of him, knees brought close to her chest. She rests her cheek on a folded knee, watching him. He was still looking blankly at the floor, still kneeling— still begging .
“It’s for the best.” Kitty’s voice comes out soft, only a whisper, as if she believes speaking it quieter would lessen the impact of the blow. It won’t, she knows. But she still tries. And it’s sickening how even in this moment Minho thinks he just fell harder for her.
It feels like his heart is beating out of his chest— or at least, what’s left of it is beating. And it’s cruel how it’s still beating for her. Always for her.
“I don’t think I’ll ever love someone again, Katherine.” His voice hoarse from crying. He can’t even give her a smile right now, but he tries to anyway. Kitty’s eyebrows furrow and she rests one of her hands on one of his resting on his knees. “You will , Minho. You will.” Minho wants to argue that he won’t but he doesn’t have the energy to. Because one thing about Katherine Song-Covey is that she was always so sure of herself.
“There is more to life and love than me.” And really, Minho wants to disagree. To Minho Moon, Katherine Song-Covey was everything. How can you want anything else when you’ve already got everything? Or had it. Right . Because he doesn’t have her. Not anymore .
He feels arms wrap around him and for the first time in years, it doesn’t feel right . He breathes her in, for the last time. They stay like that, basking in the silence and the comfort of each other’s arms. For the last time .
“We were good together, no?”
“The best, Covey.”
“ The best. ”
Kitty has always been the braver between the two of them. She pulls away first, stands up first, walks away first . With each step she takes away from him, it feels like Minho’s being split in two.
This is it. This was the end of their chapter.
The love of his life was walking away from him and Minho couldn't do anything except watch . Still, he hoped she cared enough to look back. Look back, look back, look back . And because she’s Kitty, because she’s the Kitty he knows— because she’s the Kitty who loves him, she does. She looks back and smiles over her shoulder.
“I’ll always love you. You know that, right?”
“I’ll count on that, Minho.”
She raises her hand and puts it on the handle. And because she’s the Kitty who loves him despite breaking his heart, she hesitates. She turns around again and offers him a smile. The weight of it, despite its simplicity, carries itself over to Minho and lands right in his chest.
“We’ll be alright, Minho. Eventually.”
As she turns to walk out the door and his life, Minho blinks, face blank. The realization of what just happened dawning on him slowly and then— all at once. A few tears slip down his cheek once again as he stares at the door. He hopes if he stares at it long enough, Kitty will somehow walk right through them again. But because she’s Kitty , she doesn’t.
I hope so, Kitty. And I hope we get it right next time.
Minho reluctantly agrees to his daughter’s request, never one to deny her of anything. The two take turns in Haena’s shower to get ready for their little day out. Haena went last as she insisted on helping her father with the dishes, one of their favorite daddy-daughter bonding activities.
That’s why Haena is in the shower right now, singing some K-POP song off-key. He chuckles, ever so fond of her. And that’s why he finds himself sitting yet again in front of Sakura Covey in his living room.
“Thank you, Mr. Moon.” He doesn’t look up from their ongoing chess game and hums. “What for?” He says as he moves one of his pieces on the board. He looks up at her, waiting for her to respond. “For staying up with me last night.” She responds, hands moving to move one of her pieces.
She looks back up at him again and Minho sees it. Her eyes look at something over his shoulder before they return to meet his eyes again. Minho moves another piece before meeting her eye again. She gives him a wide grin. “And for everything .” She says as she moves one of her pieces, standing up and running up the stairs just as Haena had called for her from her room.
Minho could only watch her go, chuckling as she almost trips on her way up. His eyebrows slightly furrow as he looks in the direction she was looking at earlier. His heart jumps to his throat as he sees what she was looking at.
It was his picture wall. On it, one of the frames held a picture of him and her mother back in their KISS years. They looked happy and in love .
That’s when it hit him. She smiled . Sakura Covey knew. She knew she had met the love her mother spoke so highly about. The love that pieced her mother back together and shaped her into the woman she is today. And somehow, that heals something inside Minho.
He glanced back down at the chessboard once again and laughed.
Checkmate .
Minho never expected to see Katherine Song-Covey ever again after that night. And yet here she is, standing at his front door. And unlike the scenarios he’s painted in his head of how seeing her will go, he could breathe .
He greets her with a polite smile, only to have all breath knocked out of him as she surges forward and wraps him into a hug. “Well, hello to you too, Covey.” He chuckles, wrapping his arms around her just as tight. He buries his nose in her hair, now cut shorter than it was all those years.
They pull away from the embrace and Kitty smiles up at him, just as brightly as he had always remembered. “Hey, Moon.” She breathes out and god, Minho feels like he can finally breathe again after years. His infamous smirk is plastered on his face. “Hey, Covey. Funny seeing you here.” Kitty rolls her eyes and shoves him playfully, falling into the same comfortable and familiar habits from years ago.
His eyes take her in, scanning her face. She looks different. Older, more mature, wiser. And yet, she’s still the Katherine he knows. He can feel it. He watches her carefully, committing every line, every bump to his memory. Then he sees it. The way her eyes soften.
“You look better, Minho.” She offers him a smile on her own. “Happier.” And unlike eighteen years ago, he doesn’t feel the need to argue. His grin mellows out into something smaller. He shoves his hands in his pockets and shrugs. “I have been.” He glances behind him, where Haena and Sakura are playing a game of Uno. “I am .”
He returns his gaze back to her. “And you?” Her smile grows bigger, a little lopsided, just like how he remembered. “I am, too.” And Minho’s heart rests easily at that.
“Ready to go, girls?” He calls behind him, chuckling as he hears them running towards the front door.
“Mommy!”
“Auntie Kit!”
He waves at the three retreating figures from his front porch, heart melting at the sight of Haena buzzing with excitement. His head tilts in confusion as Sakura stops in her tracks and turns around to run back to the house. Thinking she forgot something, he goes to open the door. “Sweetheart, did you leave something insi-”
Sakura engulfs him in a tight hug, Minho having to brace himself from the force of it. She locks her fingers behind him, arms squeezing his middle. He blinks up at Kitty from the distance in surprise. She shrugs, a fond smile on her face. He returns the gesture, one of his hands smoothing down the auburn locks.
Before she pulls away from the hug and runs back to her mom, she whispers words Minho won’t ever forget. Words that soothed whatever ache in his bones.
“Thank you, Minho. For loving.”