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"I love the things that you gave me"
“Okay, Eddie” Buck looked around anxiously "I guess you got everything?” He wanted everything to be perfect for Eddie. The house that had once felt like a home was now full of boxes, things strewn about, and the blue couch they’d been sitting on was now covered with a tarp.
“You sure you don’t wanna take this?” Buck asked. He was a little thoughtful and a little curious. but he liked the couch. He was sure Eddie did too. “Yeah, I don’t think I want to haul a couch to El Paso,” he shrugged.
Buck touched the couch with his fingertips as if he was trying to prepare himself for this farewell he never wanted. “Eddie’s leaving,” he thought. As Eddie picked up the boxes and carried them towards his truck, the question inside Buck was growing “Will he ever come back?” Of course, he didn’t want to ask him that. Yes, Eddie is leaving, but 118 is still here. Bobby is here, Maddie and Jee are here, Chim and Hen are here. Buck’s whole family was here.
Except for Eddie.
Buck wanted to ask Eddie when he was coming back. More than anything. It’s normal to miss someone you’ve worked with for 7 years when they’re gone, right? Or to miss them before they’re gone? Or to wish they were with you every day but they’re not there? “I wonder what Eddie would think if I was the one leaving?” He couldn't help but think. Eddie nudged Buck’s shoulder.
“Did you come to help me or are you just going to stand there?” Buck laughed shyly.
“Uh, sorry–”
“What were you thinking?”
“Nothing”
Eddie raised his eyebrow and gave Buck a 'tell me what you think' look. Buck knew he could never escape this look.
“Okay, I was thinking if I was the one going—” Eddie listened carefully to the rest of the question. “And I was wondering what you would think.”
Eddie sighed deeply. They sat together on the covered couch, making a loud rustle. Eddie ran his hand over Buck’s neck in his usual place.
“You think I won’t miss you?”
Buck hadn’t expected that question. At least he wasn't expecting any questions. Before he could say anything, Eddie continued. “Of course I would miss you, Buck.” Eddie felt the need to lighten the mood for a moment. “And of course you wouldn’t call me 15 times a day and give me a chance to miss you.”
Buck laughed. “Come on, I don’t talk that much!”
“Yeah sure.” Eddie nodded in agreement. “Just the things we need to know.”
“Does my talking bore you?” Buck was now back to his questions. “Because if you want, I can never call you when you’re gone.” Buck just kept joking but Eddie wasn’t on the same page with Buck now.
“No, I never get tired of you talking and you should definitely call me every day cause I have no idea how I’m going to survive out there.”
This was an unexpectedly sincere explanation, considering that Eddie usually jokes. However, this time, instead of making jokes, he wanted to tell Eddie that he didn't have to go, that it was possible to bring Chris back... But he didn't want to throw himself into this fire when no one else was willing to do it. Even though he had jumped into many fires throughout his life without asking anyone.
Eddie nudged Buck "Come on, get up, we're not done yet."
Buck stood up "Did you finish the bedroom?"
"Uh, yeah, there wasn't much to pack there anyway, but I'll have to go through all the rooms one last time, just in case."
When Eddie left the living room to check the other rooms, Buck looked at the boxes for a long time. They were all categorized, big and small boxes, but not too many, Eddie didn't have too many things. However, one box caught his eye there: Personal stuff.
Buck loved to poke his nose into Eddie’s personal affairs. A closeness that came from a 7 year friendship.
Buck slowly opened the box and found a small box inside. As he opened the box, a feeling he couldn’t describe took over him, he didn’t know what he was going to find but on the other hand he felt like he was looking for something really special.
A small wooden box… When Buck opened it, he couldn’t believe what he saw. The heart he had drawn when Chris was doing his homework four years ago. The lasagna recipe he had written and given to Eddie, even though he was sure Eddie wouldn't cook it. The photos he had taken with Chris at the photo booth when they’re at the pier. The chip from the poker night they went together. Even the gift card from Hildy, which he despised...
“Your baby box.” Buck’s mother’s voice echoed in his ear. That was what she had said when she had given Maddie the box in which she had stored her baby memories. When Buck asked, "When do I get mine?" he had no idea of the silence that would greet him.
Buck was their child, just like Maddie. And if we were to be honest, it was entirely their fault that they had never made him feel that way.
This time, the box in front of him, everything in it, was a part of Buck. Yes, it was not a baby box. But Eddie felt the need to hide all of this.
As Eddie came towards Buck with the few remaining items in his hand, Buck quickly wiped the tears that had formed on his face with the back of his hand.
“Is everything okay?” Eddie asked as he looked Buck up and down. It was at that moment that he realized Buck had found the box.
“Oh.”
Buck suddenly panicked. “I– I’m sorry”
Eddie didn’t say anything in response to Buck’s apology. Buck didn’t expect to hear things like, “Oh, did you finally find it?” “I was going to show you one day” or “Why are you going through my stuff?” Never.
Eddie didn’t know what to say. Buck’s invasion of privacy had somehow become their routine.
Buck looked at Eddie in surprise. “You kept all these?” This time, Eddie looked at Buck as if he didn’t understand his question. “Yeah?” He said it in such a tone as if it was normal, or rather, as if it was his routine. Buck’s family hadn’t been able to do it. In fact, they hadn’t wanted to. On the other hand, Eddie had only done it because he loved Buck, because he was happy to have him in his life.
Buck couldn’t help but hug Eddie. Eddie couldn’t make sense of this hug, but he smiled and returned Buck’s hug.
“Hey what’s wrong?”
“Why are you keeping those?” Buck glanced at Eddie's face, a vaguely odd expression on his face.
“Of course I keep them.” Buck was even more confused now, and Eddie continued. “I mean– Chris does a lot of things, I keep them all, I guess I’ve gotten into the habit.”
So Chris had a baby box. Like all the other kids. Buck felt left behind. Thanks to his family.
“So uh– but this box is all about me?”
Eddie scratched his head. Buck was right. This was special to Buck.
“What? I love the things that you gave me.”
Eddie didn’t know if there was an explanation for keeping these things. But he knew one thing for sure, he cared about Buck.
Buck picked up the box and sat back on the couch. He sighed as if he was about to say something. “You know– My parents– When Maddie told my parents she was pregnant, they came with a big box.”
Eddie was silent. Just for a moment. And knowing how much Buck wanted to talk about this, he asked the question Buck was waiting for.
“What about yours?”
Buck smiled. “Oh yeah, the problem is, I don’t have one. I guess they stopped trying for me when they realized I wasn't going to be of any use to them."
“Buck–”
“It’s okay.”
“No it’s not, and you know that.” Buck listened to Eddie quietly.
“They never deserved you.”
Buck stared at the box in his hand for a moment longer. “Thank you. This feels like a baby box to me, I guess.”
Eddie smiled. “Don’t thank me, I need them all. Especially the lasagna recipe, which I’ll have to make myself if you’re not going to make it.”
Buck forced a laugh. “And the heart I drew when I was with Chris?”
“Especially that one, reminds me how stupid you are.”
Buck laughed more heartily this time. He didn’t want Eddie to leave. Eddie didn’t want to leave either. They both knew that and they fell silent. Eddie was more serious now and sighed deeply.
“And of course, that reminds me–” Eddie lowered his voice. Just like when he desperately wanted to tell Buck that he cared. “So that I wouldn’t forget that when I wasn’t enough for Chris, you gave him everything that you could.”
“I really care about him.”
“I know Buck. And I appreciate it.”
“And I want him to be happy.”
“I know that too.”
“But in the meantime, I want you to be happy too.” Buck paused a little.
He was hesitant about what he was going to say, but he had to say it. If he cared about Eddie, it was important to say it, because Eddie needed to hear that sometimes what he did could be wrong.
“where you belong–”
“You don’t want me to go.”
“I don’t want you to go.” There he said it. “Well… I know you feel like you need to go. And it’s for Chris– but it feels wrong.”
“I don’t want to go either. I don’t want to stay there either Buck but I’m still not sure how Chris will react, what if he wants to stay there? Or I don’t know, I have no idea what he wants anymore, he’s growing up and I can’t follow his wishes, I just want him to be happy.”
“I know, that’s why you’re leaving but- but you’ll be back with Chris soon” Buck smiled “We’ll wait for you to come back, you know all 118.”
Eddie couldn’t answer that. Buck didn’t want to hear anything either. They just nodded.
Buck was still looking at the box in his hand. Everything his family hadn’t given him, Eddie was giving Buck, unknowingly or not, who knows what he was doing and why. And he would continue to give. But it’s just not from here. Maybe he would forget Buck when he was gone. Oh no, he wouldn’t. Inevitably, Buck would always be in his corner. Even when Eddie wasn’t there – which Buck refused to think about – Buck would be in Chris’s life.
Buck held the box tightly in his hands. It wasn’t as big as Maddie’s, of course, and there wasn’t as much stuff. But Eddie had made room for Buck. The place his parents hadn’t made room for him, Eddie had made room for him, even though he was gone. And he was taking his memories of Buck with him. I guess that was enough to show someone cared about you.
Buck got up from where he was sitting. He was about to put his box back in the box he’d just picked up when Eddie got up too.
“When Chris and I come back, we’ll make a bigger box, I promise. But we’ll have to work harder to fill it.”
“You mean, I’ll have to work harder?” Buck laughed.
“Well, kinda.” Eddie held his hands up in protest at Buck. “It’s your box not mine.”
“Yeah, my box.”
“Buck’s box.” Eddie intoned it as if he’d said something so clever that Buck couldn’t help but laugh.
“Buck’s box. It rhymed.” They both laughed at that now. Even though there is nothing to laugh about, it is one of those strange bonds formed with sentences that make you feel something, even if it is bittersweet. Buck blurted that sentence out of his mouth, still hopeful.
“You’ll be back.”
Eddie didn’t answer that either. As if he was afraid that if he promised Buck something, he would upset him even more. In the end, everything depended on whether Chris wanted to return or not.
“C'mon, I think once we carry these, everything will be done.”
Buck was filled with the desire to hug the box as he put it in Eddie's personal stuff box.
On the one hand, Buck was expecting Eddie to ask, “If you want to keep it?”, but another part of him thought that it was more valuable for Eddie to carry this box with him.
Buck finally placed and closed it. “I’m gonna miss you so much.” And he hugged Eddie one last time.
“You’re family Buck, I'm not going anywhere.”
Buck looked at him as if to say, "What are you talking about? You're actually leaving."
Eddie laughed and collected himself, “You know what I mean, not going from your life.”
Uncertainty. That’s what scared them. Unfulfilled promises. Places you’re not sure you’ll return to.
Buck didn’t want to talk anymore. Because every time he opened his mouth, he felt like saying, “Let me talk to Chris and convince him to come here, make peace between you. Let me do what your family didn’t do for you.” That’s what Eddie did. Do what Buck’s family didn’t do for him. Why couldn’t Buck do it? I guess baby box and Chris weren’t the same thing. The last thing Buck wanted was to interfere with Eddie’s decisions unless Eddie wanted it.
So he stayed silent. Eddie knew exactly what this silence meant.
“I’ll call you when I get there, even with Chris.”
Buck smiled. “I know you will.”
Buck really knew it. Because unlike his family, Buck knew that Eddie cared about him and he gave Eddie a small punch on the arm and smiled.
“And hey– I love the things that you gave me too.”