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Chapter Text

Jackie was straight up not having a good time.

She’d never been one to believe in Lottie’s dirt gods, especially after her disbelief had caused her to be iced out (literally) by the rest of the girls back in the wilderness. But right now, it seemed like she didn’t have much of a choice but to go along with it. Nat, the one former teammate she’d always respected, had apparently tried to kill herself and now seemed to be drinking Lottie's Kool-Aid, so Jackie had to stick around to make sure she was okay. 

(And if a small part of her was worried about Shauna, what with the cops being after her for the murder of Adam Martin, well… Jackie wouldn't admit that if someone had a knife to her throat, which was an actual possibility, given the activities her former teammates were apparently involved in.) 

So here she was. In some kind of cult led by Lottie Matthews in the middle of the woods. If Jackie had a nickel for every time that happened…

“That treatment is perfect for you, Jackie,” Lottie said ominously.

Jackie read the option Lottie was indicating on her stupid treatment menu, “‘Memento qui sis’? What the fuck does that mean?”

“It means ‘Remember who you are,’” Shauna chimed in, to Jackie’s annoyance. 

God, she always thinks she’s so much smarter than me, Jackie thought, fuming.

“Since when do you speak Spanish?” Jackie muttered.

“It’s Latin, Jackie,” Shauna rolled her eyes.

Jackie’s face burned, “Whatever. Still, ‘Remember who you are’? Like okay, Mufasa, calm down.”

Only Van snorted at that. Tough crowd, Jackie supposed.

“We’re gonna get you started,” Lottie went on, “But before we do, you can text this landline number to whomever you think might need it. You’re gonna be giving up your phones.”

Jackie cringed a little at that. Usually, Nat would be her emergency contact (as useless as that was, considering Nat was usually in rehab), but now she was here with her. She supposed she could text one of her friends back in New York, but honestly, she wasn’t close (or at least not ‘be-my-emergency-contact-while-I’m-in-a-cult’-close) to anyone. Her parents were out of the question, seeing as she hadn’t spoken to them in years. Perhaps one of her ex-girlfriends? Maybe her coworkers at the school?

“You’re kidding, right?” Tai complained.

“Our devices leave us captive to other people’s priorities,” Misty put in, looking comfortable with this entire situation.

“That’s…” Shauna said, “Mm, I can’t really argue with that.”

Jackie wondered whose priorities Shauna was held captive to. Jeff’s, most likely. Maybe her daughter’s as well? The thought sent a familiar spike of hot emotion through Jackie. Envy? Sadness? Loathing? Yep, definitely that last one. 

Lottie held out a bowl for them to put their phones in. Jackie sighed and quickly sent off a text to her boss saying that a family emergency had come up, so she wouldn’t be able to make it to work tomorrow. Which, speaking of, did none of the others have jobs to go to? Besides Lottie, whose job title was apparently 'Cult Leader', which was just great. Maybe Jackie could add 'Cult Follower' to her LinkedIn profile.

Jackie was quickly led away by one of the creepy purple people. They instructed her to strip and gave her a purple towel to wrap up in. Apparently, it was essential to the treatment. Jackie was pretty sure she was about to be knocked out only to wake up later missing a kidney, but she would rather deal with that then leave here without ensuring that Nat was okay. She owed her, after all…

Next, they led her to what felt like a sauna, though it was too dark to see. Steam rose up all around her as Jackie relished the warmth. She was always so cold. Maybe this treatment actually was perfect for her. Thank you, Lottie Matthews?

Before Jackie could ask any questions, they shut the door behind her, and she was alone. The lights flickered on, revealing a steamy room fully covered by mirrors. 

Jackie groaned. She usually tried to avoid mirrors. Not that she wasn’t confident in her appearance. She was! She just… tried not to focus too much on it. Down that road lies madness. She would notice all these little imperfections about herself: a gray hair, a wrinkle, her Frankenstein hands, how you could tell she was missing an ear from certain angles. And whatever she’d noticed would become all she could focus on. Back before the Fight, Shauna would always snap her out of these spirals with little compliments. But that was long gone now: back in the movie of her fucking life. Shauna had been right about that at least, in the sense that everything about that life had been fake. Actors, props, makeup, costumes—all part of a movie about the picture perfect girl Jackie was supposed to be. She only got one part wrong: Shauna was certainly not an extra in this movie.

INT. JACKIE’S CHILDHOOD BEDROOM — DAY

A younger, happier JACKIE squints at herself in a mirror. A younger SHAUNA watches her from her perch on the bed. Jackie's Mariah Carey CD plays softly in the background.

JACKIE

Ugh, I look so ugly. This zit is the size of a fucking nipple.

SHAUNA

Come on Jackie, you know that’s not true. You’re the prettiest girl in our grade. 

JACKIE

(visibly delighted)

Really?

SHAUNA

(visibly annoyed)

Duh. 

JACKIE

Well, Shipman, I know for a fact you’re lying about that.

SHAUNA

What do you mean?

JACKIE

Because you’re the prettiest girl in our grade, duh!

SHAUNA

(blushing)

Oh my God, Jackie, shut up. You’re so corny. And you know that’s not even true, like, at all.

JACKIE

Yes-huh it is! And you know what will make it even more true?

SHAUNA

If you say ‘the red lipstick’, I’m leaving.

JACKIE

…Then I won’t say anything. I’ll just show you. 

The two girls laugh as Jackie unsuccessfully tries to put red lipstick on a resistant, squirming Shauna. Imperfections such as nipple-sized zits seem long forgotten. 

Self-obsessed.

She tried not to be like that, but it looked like today she had no choice. She glared at her reflection in the mirrors, which also reflected mirrors on the other walls to make the image appear infinite. Infinite Jackies stretched on and on, all glaring with their hands on their hips. 

“Oh my god,” Jackie gasped suddenly, “Was my hair sticking up like that the whole time?”

She hastily smoothed down the unruly lock of wavy honey blonde hair. Maybe Shauna hadn’t noticed it?

“Don't worry, you still look beautiful,” a familiar voice said fondly.

Jackie narrowed her eyes at the younger version of Shauna that had suddenly appeared in the mirror, “You.”

“Hi,” Shauna smiled softly at her—a smile that the real Shauna would never direct toward Jackie now.

“Come here often?” Jackie asked sarcastically.

Normally, this Shauna only appeared to Jackie in her dreams or when she was really upset. She was always secretly grateful for her presence during these times, desperately (perhaps pathetically) accepting whatever comfort she was offered. But sometimes, she showed up when Jackie was not in the mood. Jackie never knew how to act toward her in those times. Unlike the real Shauna, this Shauna would never respond to Jackie’s rude remarks with equal animosity. She was sweet—as sweet as Jackie had once imagined Shauna to be, before her true colors were revealed.

INT. JACKIE’S CURRENT BEDROOM — NIGHT

An older, sadder JACKIE wakes up from the usual nightmare. Snow. Screaming. A hot flash of pain as the knife slices- 

Her panic is interrupted by the appearance of a familiar figure, now facing her in bed: DREAM SHAUNA, as young as she was when Jackie still believed they’d be together forever.

DREAM SHAUNA

Jax? 

JACKIE

S-Shauna? Please…

DREAM SHAUNA

Shhh… It’s okay… I’ve got you.

JACKIE

Please don't leave me.

Jackie lays her head on Dream Shauna's chest. She feels so warm and protected that she begins to drift off to sleep.

But when she wakes up again, she's cold.

“I’m here now, aren’t I?” Shauna asked, walking up behind Jackie.

She was wearing her usual flannel and jeans combo, though it looked unnatural in the steam room and with Jackie wearing only a towel.

“Yes, you’re being a total perv right now,” Jackie rolled her eyes, “So scram, Shipman.”

“I’m not talking about this me,” Shauna replied calmly, ignoring Jackie’s jabs, “I’m talking about the other me.”

“Unfortunately, that Shipman is also here, yes,” Jackie sighed.

Shauna smiled, “So you’re going to talk to her?”

“Why would I do that?” Jackie grumbled, squinting at her reflection to try and make out a new wrinkle. 

“So we can make up, of course,” Shauna said, like it was so simple.

Jackie scoffed, “Never-ever in a million years.”

“Why not?” Shauna said, her big brown eyes widening like a pleading puppy.

Jackie was eternally weak to that look.

“Because,” Jackie said, taking a deep breath, “We hate each other.”

“But I love you,” Shauna said sincerely.

Hearing that once-beloved voice saying those words never failed to make Jackie’s lower lip tremble and her eyes water. 

“Please, don’t say that,” Jackie replied, squeezing her eyes shut, “Just, please.”

“But it’s true,” Shauna insisted.

“Shut up!” Jackie shouted, frustrated by this warm, false version of her former best friend after being exposed to the cold, true version of her for the past few hours, “Just shut up! No you don’t. You hate me, and you’ve always hated me.”

“I love you, Jackie,” Shauna repeated, embracing Jackie from behind.

Jackie sobbed at that and collapsed back against Shauna’s chest, gripping the sleeves of her flannel.

“I wish you were real,” Jackie whispered, closing her eyes.

“I am real,” Shauna replied, pressing her lips to the crown of Jackie’s head.

But when Jackie opened her eyes, she was alone. 

Chapter Text

Shauna was not going to kill this goddamn goat. She vowed this to herself as she led sweet, stupid, innocent Bruce through a “scenic nature trail.”

Needless to say, this whole nature retreat thing was not her idea of a good time. She had seen enough nature to last a lifetime—nineteen months of it, to be exact. 

Not to mention Jackie-fucking-Taylor was here, for whatever reason. 

Jackie, with her stupid little sweater and her abnormally big eyes. Jackie, with her ever-present heart necklace and bony wrists. Jackie, with that one piece of hair that had been sticking up. 

Bruce bleated in agreement.

“You get it, Bruce,” Shauna replied, “She definitely did that with her hair just to annoy me.” 

Shauna sighed as she thought of how Jackie had looked at her earlier, as if she were worried… but in a patronizing way. 

“She thinks she’s so much better than me, Bruce,” Shauna scoffed, “With her stupid independent-single-woman-in-the-city schtick and her lack of ongoing murder investigations. She’s probably thinking: ‘poor Shauna, it’s so sad that she ended up a housewife who has to resort to having an affair to feel anything and has now killed said-affair.’ Secretly, I bet she’s just dying to say ‘I told you so.’ Well newsflash, Jackie: this entire situation is your fault.”

Shauna knew she hadn’t technically been forced to marry Jeff. But when they’d returned from the wilderness, it had all seemed so easy—the path of least resistance. Jeff liked her (Jackie hated her), and he was always just… there (she wasn’t there). And if she didn’t marry Jeff, if she’d never really even liked him or loved him, what was it all for? Why did she ruin everything with Jackie, almost get her killed, and then experience the most devastating event of her life when her baby died? Not to mention Jeff, whose future with Jackie she’d ruined by getting him to cheat. 

No, it had to all be for a reason. 

Shauna tied Bruce’s leash to a tree, so she could sit down and continue ranting to herself.

“Already abandoning the baby goat?” asked a hauntingly familiar voice, “Damn, Shipman, no wonder you’re not winning any parent of the year awards.”

Ugh, it was just like Jackie to ‘jokingly’ stab at Shauna’s most sensitive places. 

“As if you would know anything about that,” Shauna snapped, turning around to see a younger version of Jackie.

At first, after Jackie had almost frozen to death and everyone except Misty and Shauna had accepted that she wasn’t going to wake up again, Shauna had had visions of Jackie as she was then: frozen, starving, scared. She would beg Shauna for help, for her to come back, for her to not leave her (as if she hadn’t practically fused herself to Jackie’s body the minute Misty had suggested body heat).

Shauna had thought the visions would go away after Jackie woke up and went back to hating her, but instead they’d just changed. Now, she was just as Shauna remembered her in high school, before everything went horribly wrong. Soccer uniform and little yellow ribbon in her hair—the sight aroused in Shauna the same instinct that she had when she saw rabbits in her garden.

Jackie just smirked, “You’re right. I’m too busy getting laid.”

“Right,” Shauna said sarcastically, “I’m sure that whatever random guy who’s been fucking you this week has just really filled up your schedule.”

“Is that jealousy I’m detecting, Shipman?” Jackie asked, raising her eyebrows tauntingly, “And don’t pretend we don’t both know that it’s not a guy fucking me.”

Actually, Shauna preferred to pretend this. She wasn’t homophobic, hell, Tai was practically her closest friend! Just… she would rather repress the knowledge that Jackie was a lesbian now. It was just so like her, to randomly be a lesbian after everything. A lesbian, and yet had never once made a move on Shauna when they were friends. In fact, Jackie was always insultingly clear that she didn’t mean any of her actions toward Shauna in “a gay way.”

INT. SHAUNA’S CHILDHOOD BEDROOM — DAY

A younger, happier SHAUNA stands in front of a mirror, tugging the neckline of her new dress up. A younger JACKIE stands behind her, an infectious grin of delight on her face. Despite frequent inoculations, Shauna is not fully immune to this grin.

SHAUNA

I don’t know… It’s not really my style.

JACKIE

Are you kidding? Do you not see how great it makes your boobs look?

SHAUNA

(blushing)

You think-

JACKIE

The boys are gonna go insane.

SHAUNA

(scowling)

Right.

JACKIE

I mean, if I were a boy, I’d be outside your window with a boombox basically every night.

SHAUNA

(reluctantly starting to smile)

That’s creepy.

JACKIE

I would be so creepy for you, Shipman! I’d be putting those weird poems you like in your locker all the time and planning the perfect Shauna-themed date night: a fancy picnic dinner followed by me letting you win at mini golf.

SHAUNA

Wow. Sounds like you’ve thought about this a lot.

JACKIE

(flustered)

What? No.

SHAUNA

(resigned)

Right.

JACKIE

Geez, Shauna. Don’t make it weird. I was just saying: if I were a boy.

SHAUNA

Whatever.

Eventually, the awkward moment diffuses, as it always seems to with Jackie’s uncanny ability to lighten people’s moods, no matter how dark. But Shauna has gotten good at hoarding feelings, resentment most of all.

She does end up wearing that dress, though. Many times.

“No, I’m not jealous,” Shauna replied, gritting her teeth, “I get laid plenty, asshole.”

Jackie scowled, “Adam Martin,” she said, sniffing, “I guess I should feel sorry for Jeff, but he should have seen it coming. You know what they say: once a cheater, always a cheater.”

“Oh, fuck off, Jackie,” Shauna hissed, turning around to get Bruce and leave.

But Bruce was gone.

“Fuck, he must have chewed through the rope,” Shauna groaned. 

Jackie began to cackle evilly. 

“Bruce!” Shauna called, “Here, Bruce!” 

Jackie was no help, obviously, simply watching Shauna call for a goat like an idiot. Did goats even respond to their names? 

“Oh, God. I can’t believe this,” Shauna complained, “Why do I give one single shit about this goat when Lottie’s goons are just gonna make me kill him?”

“Kill him?” Jackie asked, suddenly more serious, “Geez, why do you have to be so dark? Don’t you think ‘Self Care’ means something more new age hippy, like: caring for this innocent kid is like caring for yourself?”

“Kid? What are you-” Shauna faltered.

“Kid? You know, like, baby goat?” Jackie replied.

“Oh,” Shauna sighed, “Maybe… But God knows I’ve never been good at caring for something… innocent.”

Shauna knew she was a bad mom. She’d always kept Callie at arms length, afraid of losing her or… something (Shauna could kill her like she’d almost killed Jackie, Callie could find out what Shauna had done and shun her, Shauna could make her bad like herself). And her first baby-

“Hey,” Jackie said, “Don’t be so hard on yourself. Parenting isn’t easy. Remember when I accidentally killed our Home-Ec baby? You’re way better at it than me! Callie is a pretty good kid, all things considered. I’m pretty sure that means you did alright.”

Sometimes, just like the real thing, this Jackie would say or do something, and it felt like feeling the sun after years in the dark. 

“Really?” Shauna asked, hopelessly vulnerable.

“Definitely,” Jackie replied, smiling just for Shauna.

Shauna could have basked in that smile for the rest of her life, but she then heard the sound of a bleating goat.

“Oh my God, there he is,” Shauna said softly, “Here is this dummy. Come here. Where’d you think you were going, huh? Not to a Mensa meeting that’s for sure.”

Shauna picked up the goat and continued scolding him, “If you think I’m gonna carry you all day, you are delusional as well as dumb.”

She turned around to smile at Jackie, wanting instinctively to share this moment with her.

But she was gone. 

Chapter Text

EXT. THE WILDERNESS — DAY

JACKIE groans as she drags the shit bucket behind her. Dealing with the shit bucket has been her job ever since she woke up from her frozen coma. Jackie wishes she had never woken up. The other girls shun her. SHAUNA won’t even look at her. COACH BEN is gone, and no one will tell her where he went. Jackie supposes he either left them or died while she was in and out of consciousness. Her only ally is NATALIE, who has her own (metaphorical) shit to deal with. 

And the hunger. The hunger has grown so bad that Jackie’s dreams and reality blur into one. She sees things while awake that should only be able to happen in dreams, and she sees things in her dreams that she mistakes for reality. The shit bucket is, unfortunately, often present in both places.

A sudden tap on Jackie's shoulder startles her into dropping said bucket. At least it's already empty.

SHAUNA

(warmly)

Hey! Jax.

JACKIE

(awkwardly)

Oh… Shauna. Hi.

SHAUNA

(gesturing to the shit bucket)

Do you need some help with that?

JACKIE

That’s okay. I’ve got it. Thanks, though.

SHAUNA

Sure.

JACKIE

Cool… So did you need something? No offense, but why are you talking to me?

SHAUNA

I wanted to see you. But I also have something to tell you.

JACKIE

Okay?

SHAUNA

Something bad is going to happen soon.

JACKIE

What?

SHAUNA

You need to go away from here for a little while.

JACKIE

Shauna, what? Why are you telling me this?

SHAUNA

I can’t explain it. You just have to trust me.

JACKIE

Shauna…

SHAUNA

Please, Jax.

JACKIE

W-where would I even go?

SHAUNA

You know the weird moss tree? There’s a place beneath it that’s warm from the geothermal energy or something. That's where Javi was hiding when he was missing. Go there for a little while.

JACKIE

What about you?

SHAUNA

Don’t worry about me. Just please do this one thing for me. Promise me, Jackie.

JACKIE

This is crazy. You know that, right? You don’t talk to me for weeks, and now you’re telling me to hide but won’t explain why?

SHAUNA

Jackie, we don’t have time for this. Please, I’m begging you. If you ever cared about me at all-

JACKIE

Fuck you, Shauna. You don’t get to say that to me.

SHAUNA

… You’re right.

Shauna kneels at Jackie’s feet.

JACKIE

What- what the fuck are you doing?

SHAUNA

(voice thick with tears)

I’m begging you. Please, Jackie. Just go. I’ll do anything.

JACKIE

(struck)

Okay… Okay. Fine.

SHAUNA

Thank you. Now go, quickly. It’s starting soon.

Jackie turns to leave, almost in a daze. 

SHAUNA

Oh, and Jackie?

JACKIE

Yeah?

SHAUNA

I love you.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Jackie groaned as she drew the queen of hearts card.

The other women all looked at her. They may have been adults now, far away from the girls they’d been back then, but there was something familiar and dark in their gazes. Hunger.

They began to back away toward the table of weapons.

“Hey wait,” Jackie squeaked nervously, “You guys? You’re just kidding, right?”

The others, now with their wilderness masks on, just looked at her.

“This isn't funny any more,” Jackie continued, stumbling back now, “Nat?”

Nat didn’t reply.

Jackie was really scared now, “Stop it. Let’s talk about this, please.”

But they just continued to advance.

Jackie was so confused. She thought this was supposed to just be a set up to pacify Lottie until the paramedics arrived to take her back to Switzerland or something. But now everyone was acting like they were serious. Had they planned this the whole time? Was it rigged? Despite knowing they weren’t friends any more, the idea that the other women had plotted this against her was like being stabbed in the back a thousand times. Stupid tears pricked at her eyes, but she refused to let them fall.

She was fine on her own. She’d woken up from her near death experience with hypothermia 25 years ago only to find that there was no one waiting to save her or even to hold her hand while she saved herself. And she hadn’t spent the past 25 years building a new, more authentic life for herself all on her own just to fold now. 

Still, her heart began to thump in her chest, rabbit-quick. She looked at Shauna, who was wielding a knife and had a horrible empty look on her face. 

“S-Shauna?” Jackie desperately tried one more time to get through to someone, “Please?”

Her pleas were ignored. The others began to pick up speed, so Jackie began to back up more quickly. This only seemed to further incite them, like dogs chasing prey, as they began to jog now. Jackie finally turned fully around, looking back over her shoulder as she began to walk more quickly. Shauna held up her knife and whooped. Terror surged through Jackie’s veins, and she began to run.

She wasn’t very fast. Shauna had always been faster than her when they were young. Jackie didn’t want to find out if that was still true. 

Tears escaped her eyes now as she ran from the shouts and howls behind her. The woods surrounding them were dark and unfamiliar, so she was guided solely by the familiar instinct to run. Fight or flight? Jackie had always been one to freeze instead, but tonight her legs carried her away from the danger with little input from her mind.

Panting and wheezing with exertion, Jackie looked over her shoulder to see if they were still following her. They were. It was almost like the other women were playing a game with her. They kept pace but never tried to overtake her.

Why were they doing this to her? Was it because of what she did back then? 

Jackie faced back ahead and ran with renewed, desperate speed.

Then, a sudden gunshot. 

“Stop!” shouted a voice, a voice which sounded eerily like a teenage girl's.

Jackie ignored this and kept running, not looking back to see if anyone was hurt, solely focused on the instinct to get the fuck away from here.

“Jackie, stop!” Shauna shouted, voice shaky with raw fear.

Jackie didn’t understand. Was it another trick? She stumbled ahead while looking back, trying to keep a distance between herself and Shauna just in case.

“Wait, no!” Shauna cried out, “Jackie!”

Those were the last words Jackie heard before she felt something beneath her foot give way, and the stomach-dropping sensation of falling overtook her senses. Wind rushed by her ear, and she awkwardly tried to grab onto something that wasn’t there. 

There was a sudden, all-consuming sensation of pain in her head.

Then everything went black.

EXT. THE WILDERNESS — NIGHT

JACKIE shivers as she paces around outside the cabin. All she can think about is JAVI. Earlier, she came out of her hiding spot to look for Shauna. Instead she found Javi’s partially dissected body. She feels sick, so sick. Her best friend, her teammates. They must have killed Javi. Did they kill COACH BEN, too? Was Jackie next?

And SHAUNA… She hates Jackie. She’s always hated her. And because of that, there is no place left in the world for Jackie. No, that’s wrong… Shauna loves her. Right? She told her that earlier. She told her to hide? Or was that a dream? Jackie can’t remember the truth. Everything's so blurry. She senses a presence behind her and turns around. It’s Shauna. She’s wearing Jackie’s most favorite of her dresses and bright red lipstick. 

SHAUNA

Jackie, what are you doing? Aren’t you cold out here?

JACKIE

(frantic)

I’m scared, Shauna. I don’t know what’s going on. Is this a dream? I don’t know what to do. What happened to Javi? Did you… do something to him?

SHAUNA

Don’t worry about Javi now, Jax. He’s safe.

JACKIE

No! I saw him, Shauna. You killed him, didn’t you? Is that why you told me to hide? So I would be out of the way?

SHAUNA

I was protecting you.

JACKIE

Stop lying. You’re gonna kill me next, aren’t you?

SHAUNA

I wouldn’t.

JACKIE

(sobbing)

I don’t know what to do.

SHAUNA

You know what you have to do, Jackie.

JACKIE

What? What do I have to do?

SHAUNA

You tell me. You want to make it all stop, right?

JACKIE

I- I don’t know. I don’t understand what you mean.

SHAUNA

Don't you? You’re the one holding the matches.

Jackie looks down. In her bandaged hands is a box of matches. For once, she has no trouble striking one, producing a small flame. She takes a deep, shaky breath. She looks at Shauna, but she’s not there any more.

Lately, Jackie simply followed the others’ instructions and kept her head down, waiting for it to all be over. She left the cabin when Shauna told her to the night before the snow, emptied the shit bucket when the other girls ordered her to, and even hid earlier per Shauna’s commands. Well, she’s sick of being weak. Now she’ll do something for herself: she’ll fight back. 

She throws the match.

Chapter Text

Shauna’s heart was in her throat as she drove wildly down the mountain roads from Lottie's commune to the nearest hospital. She couldn’t get the awful images of what had just occurred out of her head.

Jackie, terrified, running, falling, the thump of her head as it hit the ground below, her pretty hair stained red with blood, her smooth neck concealed by the  serious-looking brace the paramedics had put it in, her closed eyes as her stretcher was loaded up into an ambulance.

“Shauna!” Nat shouted from the passenger seat, “We’ll be no help to Jackie if you drive this car into a ditch.”

In the chaos of calling an ambulance and loading into vehicles, the Yellowjackets and their families (Shauna's) and sort-of-boyfriends (Misty's) had split into different vehicles to get to the hospital they were taking Jackie and Lottie to. Nat had ended up with Shauna, which was probably a good thing. Shauna couldn't imagine having to deal with Misty or, God forbid, Jeff right now. 

“We almost killed her, Nat,” Shauna whimpered, “Again.”

“She’s gonna be fine,” Natalie replied, though Shauna noticed she was gripping Jackie’s belongings with white knuckles, “She’s tougher than she looks.”

Shauna didn’t know if she believed that, but she tried to force herself to. 

Finally, she swerved into the hospital parking lot, choosing a place to park at random with no regard for fines or laws. She rushed inside without waiting to see if Nat was following her.

“I’m here for Jackie,” Shauna gasped out to the receptionist, “She just came in by ambulance. She hit her head.”

“I’m sorry, only a patient’s spouse or other immediate family can go back with them,” the man replied.

“Uh, excuse me,” Nat sneered, offended, “This is her wife. And, frankly? It’s a little offensive of you to assume otherwise.”

The man’s face reddened, “Oh. I’m so sorry, I didn't mean-”

Shauna tried to look believable, “Yes, so please, can I see my wife now?”

“Of course,” the man replied, “Can you please confirm the patient’s full name and date of birth?”

“Jacqueline- um…” Shauna began, glancing to Nat whose eyes were wide and trying to communicate… something, “Jacqueline Shipman? Date of birth July 15th, 1977.”

Nat hung her head in defeat. Shauna groaned inwardly. Shipman? What even possessed her to say that? (She forcefully repressed the multiple images that flashed through her mind of ‘Jackie Shipman’ written dozens of times in her journals.)

“Shipman?” the man asked, “Um, I'm sorry, we don’t have a record of someone with that surname-”

“Jackie Shipman Née Taylor,” Natalie cut in, “It says Taylor on her ID, but she goes by Mrs. Shipman, right Shauna?”

“Right,” Shauna replied sheepishly, “Sorry, I’m just really… worried.”

The receptionist told them the room number and showed Shauna which way to go.

“Play nice, Shauna,” Natalie said as she took her seat in the waiting room.

“I always do,” Shauna rolled her eyes as she left.

She stopped outside of the door with a sense of déjà vu. Opening the cabin door to find Jackie, frozen and still beneath the snow. Shit. What if Jackie was really hurt? What if she died? It would be Shauna's fault. 

She opened the door, and the sight of Jackie, small and pouting in a hospital bed with bandages wrapped around her head, made Shauna lose her breath for a second.

“Shauna?” Jackie asked hopefully.

“Uh…” Shauna responded.

Jackie made little grabby hands at her, something she used to do when they were young that had annoyed Shauna to no end. Right now, it made absolutely zero sense for Jackie to do that. Maybe she was concussed?

“Please,” Jackie whined, tears in her eyes.

Shauna awkwardly sat on the edge of Jackie’s bed, only for the other woman to throw her arms around her neck. 

With Jackie half in her lap, Shauna’s brain was understandably lagging. 

“Shauna,” Jackie repeated, “What’s happening? Why am I missing fingers? Why do you look so old?”

Shauna scoffed, Of course Jackie would trick her into being worried just to insult her. She shoved the other woman out of her lap with satisfying ease and stood up.

“Where are you going?” Jackie asked, voice whiny and demanding but with a touch of genuine fear that Shauna refused to acknowledge, “Shauna, stop. Don’t leave!”

“Oh, cut it out,” Shauna snapped, “It’s pretty fucking juvenile of you to insult my appearance, you know.”

“Huh?” Jackie gaped at her, seeming genuinely shocked, “I never- Shauna, what the fuck, I would never. You’re the prettiest- I mean, you just look so different, is all. You’re obviously still hot. I mean, wowza Shipman, you’re definitely rocking the whole sexy suburban mom look.”

Shauna blushed in spite of herself, “Okay, what the hell is going on?”

“I think I might be able to explain,” said a lady in a white coat who had entered the room without Shauna noticing, “I’m Mrs. Shipman's doctor, and you’re her wife, I presume? The front desk informed me-”

“Wife?!” Jackie squealed.

Shauna did her best to ignore her, “Yes, so if you could tell me what’s going on with her, that’d be great.”

“It appears that Mrs. Shipman is suffering from a concussion,” the doctor explained, “For which a common symptom is amnesia. The particular form of amnesia that she seems to be exhibiting is what we refer to as retrograde amnesia. In layman's terms, this means that she is missing a chunk of memories from her life before the accident. Based on my questioning, it seems like she doesn’t remember the past 25 years or so.”

Shauna gaped at her, “But she’ll get better, right?”

She glanced at Jackie, who was staring at the floor, seemingly in utter shock.

“Most likely,” the doctor responded, “It will just take some time, though I can’t predict how much time. I-”

“I’m sorry,” Jackie interrupted, “But back up. I’m still stuck on the first part. Did you say wife?”

“Perhaps I should leave you two to discuss this privately,” the doctor said, one foot already out of the door, “I’ll return shortly to discuss our next steps.”

The door shut behind her, leaving Shauna alone with Jackie. Jackie, who didn’t remember the past 25 years. Jackie, who thought that Shauna was her wife. Jackie, who was staring at her with the strangest expression on her face. Great, now Shauna would have to explain that she’d lied, and really this was all Nat's fault and-

Jackie was suddenly crying. Any pity Shauna had started to feel for the woman vanished immediately. Seriously!? Was marrying Shauna that horrible to her? 

“Oh, Shauna,” she exclaimed, “I’m so happy.”

Wait, what?

“What!?” Shauna exclaimed.

Jackie looked at her with big, shining eyes, “We got married,” she whispered, as if in disbelief at her luck, “I always wanted-” 

Shauna felt simultaneously like someone had poured ice down the back of her shirt but also set her heart on fire, “You’re… happy that we’re married?”

“Duh!” Jackie replied, and then she squealed happily like a teenage girl finding out her crush liked her back.

“How long have we been married?” Jackie asked excitedly, “Where did we have the wedding? Where do we live? Do we have kids?”

Shauna just sat down and put her head in her hands.

“Oh my god!” Jackie shrieked, taking Shauna’s hand, “Is that the wedding ring I gave you? Well, honestly, it’s not really what I thought I would have picked out, but maybe styles have changed… Wait, where’s my ring?”

Shauna replied without thinking, “You don’t have a ring.”

Jackie looked heartbroken at this, “Shipman, what the hell? You didn’t get me a ring? I told you a million times I wanted my wedding ring to be-”

“A simple but elegant gold band with a heart-shaped diamond,” Shauna sighed, feeling irritated that Jackie had been her wife for five seconds and was already nagging her, “I know.”

Jackie pouted, “Well? Why didn’t you get it for me then?”

“I did,” Shauna lied, “It’s just- you lost it when you… got injured. I’ll have to get you a new one.”

“That is so sad,” Jackie lamented, “I’m sorry I lost my ring, babe.”

Shauna almost choked at the pet name, but she quickly recovered, “It’s okay.”

Jackie clambered back onto Shauna’s lap and, before Shauna knew what was happening, planted a big wet kiss on her mouth. Oh. 

“I always wanted to do that,” Jackie grinned winsomely.

“Always?” Shauna managed to say through the loud fog of Jackie clouding her thoughts.

“Uh-huh,” Jackie nodded, as if it was nothing.

Shauna wasn’t sure what she felt about this. Vindicated that Jackie had apparently wanted her? Angry that Jackie had never told her? Devastated that they could have…

“What about our friends?” Jackie asked hesitantly, looking into Shauna’s eyes, “And… my parents? How did they… react? I guess?”

Shauna softened a little at that, “Our friends are awesome. In fact, they’re all on their way here to make sure you’re okay. You got injured when we were all together at Lottie’s… place.”

Jackie smiled, “Oh, that’s… That’s good. And my parents? What did my mom say?”

Honestly, Shauna couldn’t imagine Mrs. Taylor reacting at all well to such a situation. She wasn’t sure what Jackie’s relationship with her parents was really like now. When Shauna ran into Mr. or Mrs. Taylor in the grocery store or around town, they never mentioned Jackie. She felt a pang at the thought that they might not have treated Jackie well when she’d actually come out.

Before Shauna could answer, Jackie sighed, “It’s okay. I know they’re probably really mad.”

“Yeah…” Shauna thought it was best to just agree, “But my mom is super supportive! She’s basically the best mother-in-law you could ask for.”

“I knew it,” Jackie replied, “I always thought-”

She cut herself off and suddenly clutched her head. Shauna felt a surge of pure terror and was halfway to screaming for a doctor when Jackie spoke up.

“Owwwww, my head,” she whined, “Shauna, it hurts so bad.”

“Don’t be a baby,” Shauna grumbled, heart still racing with residual fear, “Just- Rest your eyes for a second. Lie back down.”

Jackie proceeded to close her eyes and plop her head on Shauna’s shoulder. 

The feeling of Jackie’s soft hair against her cheek was so viscerally familiar that Shauna shuddered. She tentatively wrapped an arm around Jackie’s waist and leaned back against the shitty hospital pillows.

Jackie was quiet for a few minutes. Shauna thought she might have been falling asleep. 

“I still don’t get the missing fingers part,” Jackie mumbled sleepily.

“It’s a long story,” Shauna sighed.

Chapter Text

Jackie wondered if she was dreaming or if she’d perhaps died and gone to (a weirdly specific) heaven.

She felt a little dizzy and strange, and she had an awful headache, and she was randomly missing several digits (seriously, was that related to the head injury or, like, a whole separate incident?) But other than that, she seemed to be living the perfect life.

Married to Shauna, she kept thinking giddily, clutching tightly to Shauna’s cardigan that she’d given her to put over the thin hospital gown. The cardigan smelled oddly like Jackie's floral-scented perfumes and soaps, though Jackie knew Shauna preferred vanilla scents for herself. Maybe Jackie just 'borrowed' this cardigan all the time. The thought made her heart do backflips.

Jackie could barely think of her wife (wife!) without wanting to either jump up and down and cheer or giggle and kick her feet. She mentally high fived her younger self for pulling it off. She thought she would never have had the guts. The Plan had been to meet some guy at Rutgers, whose friend Shauna would date, and they would get married and live next to each other. Their kids could even be best friends. Jackie would take whatever weird feelings she had for her best friend to the grave. If she was lucky, maybe she would even grow out of them eventually. 

But she had never considered that Shauna could be like her in that way! And that she’d like Jackie back! The future was full of surprises.

Although, underneath the thrill of having the life she’d only imagined in her wildest, most shameful fantasies, she felt oddly exposed and raw. This life, along with how Jackie seemed to present herself now, felt so precious and fragile that she instinctively wanted to hide it from the world. Before this, she’d shaped her life and presented herself in such a way to get the maximum amount of love from her family and peers. And even if some people didn’t like her, it wasn’t too upsetting because that wasn’t even her true self anyway. It was just a carefully designed mask, and who cared if some people didn’t like a mask? But now, someone could see her naked soul just by looking at her with Shauna, and any vitriol aimed toward her tender, exposed insides would be excruciatingly painful. 

Shauna said their friends didn’t mind, but what if she was just trying to protect Jackie? And her parents… they were too painful to even think about right now, with her head throbbing like it was. The daughter that Jackie was about to meet… Callie. What if Callie despised her? The thought was terrifying, but not nearly as terrifying as the possibility that Shauna might see her for who she truly was and reject her. Sure, Shauna had married her, but what if she had married who Jackie pretended to be and not who Jackie really was? She could divorce her, or cheat on her with some horrible pretentious artist or a random woman who was a more palatable version of Jackie or something, and Jackie would literally die of heartbreak.

She also thought back to their initial conversation and cringed when she thought of how she’d called Shauna old. Jackie was always doing that… hurting Shauna with her careless words and defense mechanisms. Shauna was so sweet—she deserved better, but Jackie could never figure out how to stop.

Well, now she was turning over a new leaf. She was Jackie-fucking-Shipman, and she would be damned if she messed this up now. She would be the best wife in the world if it killed her. 

Jackie steeled herself and held on to that thought. She had to be perfect if she wanted this to work. She quickly smoothed down her hair and was about to get up and look for a mirror, but just then Shauna walked back into the room with a teenage girl.

Jackie’s heart felt like it instantly grew to double its original size, big enough now to fit both Shauna and Callie. Callie looked so similar to Shauna, and Jackie was so happy. 

She wondered which of them had given birth to her. Callie had to be genetically related to Shauna. Maybe (since this was the future, and there were probably, like, flying cars and shit) two women could have a baby together now. They could apparently get married, so it wasn’t impossible!

“Callie?” Jackie asked, the name feeling unfamiliar in her mouth.

Callie hesitated, but Shauna nudged her sharply.

“Hey, Mom,” Callie said awkwardly.

Jackie reached for her daughter, “Oh c’mere, Cals.”

Callie hugged her stiffly at first before seeming to relax into it.

“I missed you,” Jackie said, though she knew it probably sounded absurd.

“Same,” Callie whispered.

Jackie looked over her daughter’s shoulder at where Shauna was standing awkwardly, “Babe! Get over here. It’s Shipman Family Hug time.”

Jackie felt secretly thrilled to say Shipman in reference to herself. 

Shauna joined the hug, stiffly putting her arms around both Callie and Jackie.

It felt almost like too much happiness to legally exist. Jackie turned her head to press her lips softly to her wife’s. Yep. She would never get tired of that.

Shauna turned red as Callie leaned back to glare at her. That was weird. Maybe Callie just didn’t like seeing her moms kiss? Jackie was sure they probably kissed 24/7 and got on everybody’s nerves.

Shauna cleared her throat and looked at the door, “Um, I’ll go tell the others that everything’s alright.”

And with that, Shauna was out the door. She never had liked to talk about feelings.

Jackie looked at Callie, who was glaring at the door Shauna had just walked out of, “Hey, you okay?”

“Yes,” Callie sighed, sitting down on Jackie’s bed heavily.

Jackie looked at her daughter. (Daughter. How terrifying and wonderful was that?) She had a brooding and lonely sort of look on her face that reminded Jackie achingly of Shauna. 

Jackie put a hand on her shoulder, “It’s okay if you’re not, ya know? I bet it’s super weird that I don’t remember you. But don’t worry, alright? I do remember how much I care about you. And the doctors said that my memory should come back really soon.”

Callie looked at her, seeming so vulnerable all of a sudden that it broke Jackie’s heart, “Really?”

Jackie hugged her daughter again, “Definitely! And I love you so much, okay? That’ll never change, even if I get a million concussions.”

As crazy as it seemed, Jackie really did love this girl who she couldn’t remember ever meeting before this moment. Part of it was that Callie was so obviously a piece of Shauna, who Jackie intrinsically loved more than anything in the world. But perhaps part of it was that her soul remembered being Callie’s mom. She’d have to ask Laura Lee if that was a thing. Or perhaps it was more like her hands: even though she’d never been missing fingers before, muscle memory guided her hands to an adjusted grip that felt natural and easy.

To Jackie’s surprise, Callie began to cry but held on to Jackie tighter. Jackie shushed her like she would Shauna and just held her.

After a while, Callie leaned back, seeming embarrassed, “Sorry.”

Jackie chuckled, “Don’t be sorry. You should see Shauna cry. Don’t tell her I said this, but she’s got to be the saddest, loudest, messiest crier in the world.”

Callie’s eyes widened in surprise, “No way, seriously?”

“Seriously,” Jackie confirmed, “I remember this one time, when she got second place in the spelling bee in fourth grade. She sounded like someone died. It was so sad, I started crying too!”

Callie laughed, “I can’t even picture that. I always thought Mom as a kid would just bite people who upset her.”

“Oh, she definitely did that, too,” Jackie confirmed, sighing dreamily, “Your Mom contains multiplications, or however the saying goes.”

“You mean the Walt Whitman quote?” Callie asked incredulously, “It’s ‘I contain multitudes,’ not multiplications.”

Jackie rolled her eyes. Of course her daughter would be pretentious just like her other mom. Jackie would be annoyed if it wasn’t so freaking adorable. 

“So you like reading like Shauna?” Jackie asked.

“I guess,” Callie answered noncommittally.

Jackie pouted, “Well, don’t you have any of my traits? Do you like soccer? Or—ooh—how about shopping?”

“I do like shopping,” Callie said hesitantly.

Jackie whooped in victory, “Yes! Oh my god, we have to go shopping today. Please?”

“Sure,” Callie replied.

Shauna walked back into the room, “Everything okay in here?”

“Mom was telling me embarrassing things you did as a kid,” Callie grinned.

Shauna scowled.

“I’m sure we’ve told her that story about the spelling bee a thousand times,” Jackie protested, “I just don’t remember telling it. Because I’m concussed.”

Jackie tried to look sad and hurt to appeal to Shauna’s protective side. It worked, as usual.

“Does your head hurt?” she asked worriedly.

“A little,” Jackie replied  truthfully, “But nothing Jackie Shipman can’t handle!”

“Please don’t talk about yourself in third person ever again,” Shauna groaned.

“What? I wanted to try out the new name!” Jackie protested, “That’s not lame, right Callie?”

“Yeah, Mom,” Callie agreed, looking at her mom with a playfully innocent expression, “She literally just found out gay marriage is a thing. Let her live.”

“Yeah, let me live,” Jackie repeated, looking at Shauna with wide eyes and copying Callie’s expression.

“Let me die,” Shauna rolled her eyes, “There’s two of you.”

“But you love us,” Jackie teased, smiling.

Something in Shauna’s eyes shifted, and Jackie felt how Callie tensed where her arm was around her shoulder. It was strange, but Jackie shook it off. Maybe Callie had inherited Shauna’s abhorrence of talking about feelings. Though, Shauna had never been shy about saying she loved Jackie, even the times when Jackie couldn’t help but choke on the words—far more meaningful to her than they should be. 

“Mom and I are going shopping,” Callie announced, with a strange expression of rebellion.

Shauna looked at them sternly. Jackie thought it was a very... interesting... expression. 

“You can come too, babe,” Jackie added, sensing the tension between her two girls.

“That’s okay,” Shauna sighed, “I wouldn’t want to interrupt your sacred mother-daughter shopping time.”

Jackie looked at her wife worriedly for a moment, but she shrugged it off. 

If Shauna was upset, she’d definitely tell her eventually. She told Jackie everything, after all!

Chapter Text

Mother-daughter shopping trip. Ugh. Shauna was fuming. So now Jackie thought she could just step in and be a better mother than Shauna after knowing her daughter for all of ten minutes? It was so like Jackie to steal her daughter. God, she was exasperating! And so was Callie!

“Remind me again why we’re doing this?” Callie asked, too loudly, as Jackie was just behind the hospital bathroom door changing clothes.

“Be quiet,” Shauna hissed.

Callie just raised an eyebrow. She looked infuriatingly like a younger version of Jackie when she did that. 

“Because,” Shauna whispered, unsure how she could even begin to explain this in a way that wouldn’t make her seem insane, “Like I said, Natalie lied to the receptionist that I was Jackie’s wife so that I could come back here and check that she was okay. Before I could say anything, some doctor announced to Jackie that we were married, and before I could correct her, Jackie was crying about how happy she was that we were married. I thought it would be a bad idea to upset her again given the fact that she just recently fell off a fucking cliff.”

Truthfully, the real reason Shauna had kept up the lie to Jackie was a lot less altruistic. In the moment, she’d simply not wanted to see that hurt look on Jackie’s face—the one she’d had when they had their fight—with the big tearful eyes and the corners of her mouth turned down sharply. It made her look tiny and breakable. Shauna couldn't put that look on her face again.

From there the lie had spiraled, and it would make Shauna look even more awful if she revealed now that she’d been lying. As for what she was going to do when Jackie eventually got her memory back, well, that was a problem for future Shauna. (Besides, it was one thing to lie or be cruel to Jackie when she was herself, presumably 25 years tougher than she had been back then, but it was another thing entirely to do the same to Jackie as she was now, still trusting and believing in Shauna wholeheartedly.)

Shauna had explained all this to the other Yellowjackets as well. None of them had been all too thrilled with her either, but no one had had a better solution. Besides, after how everything in the wilderness had gone down, Jackie was something of an outsider to everyone but Nat. They had bigger problems to deal with than Jackie and Shauna's usual antics.

Callie glared, “This is so stupid. I hope you know the only reason I’m playing along with this is because it’s going to be hilarious when it blows up in your face.”

Shauna glared right back, “Considering you shot a person literally hours ago, I-”

“Shauna?” Jackie called out from the bathroom, interrupting Shauna's retort.

“Yes?” Shauna asked immediately, already walking toward the door to check on her.

“...I need help,” Jackie replied, “It’s an emergency.”

Shauna barely held herself back from groaning in annoyance. This was familiar. An ‘emergency’ to Jackie meant that something wasn’t right with her hair or makeup, and she needed someone to compliment her until she felt better. It was ridiculous. Not only was it pathetic of Jackie, but it was also insulting to Shauna that she would be used just to boost Jackie’s ego like it was the most important thing in the world. Shauna opened the door and slipped into the bathroom anyway, feeling Callie’s eyes glaring daggers as she closed it behind her.

Jackie was still wearing Shauna’s cardigan, she noted with a weird mix of annoyance and satisfaction. But now she was holding her hair up and looking wide-eyed in the mirror at the lack of ear on the right side of her head, now visible since the bandages for her head injury were removed. Shit. Shauna had sort of forgotten about that detail.

“What happened to me?” Jackie whimpered, meeting Shauna’s gaze in the mirror pleadingly.

With no time to think of a good lie, Shauna thought it would be best to keep the story as close to the truth as possible.

“You- we- were in a plane crash,” she replied nervously, “And while we were waiting for rescue, it snowed, and you got frostbite. Some of your fingers and toes and your ear had to be amputated.”

“What the hell?!” Jackie exclaimed, “When was this?”

“Back in high school,” Shauna said, “We were actually on our way to Nationals.”

At that, Jackie perked up a little, “We made it to Nationals?”

“No, we very much did not make it,” Shauna rolled her eyes, “On account of the goddamn plane crash.”

“Right…” Jackie sighed, “Geez, was everybody okay? I mean, besides my ear?”

Shauna cringed, “Um… Well.”

Jackie whirled around, “Shauna? What happened out there?”

“It’s a long story,” Shauna sighed, “Please, Jackie, can we talk about it later?”

“I guess,” Jackie said reluctantly, “But you’ll have to tell me eventually, okay?”

“I promise I will,” Shauna lied, “Now are you ready to get out of here?”

Jackie turned back to the mirror, smoothing her hair over the gnarled scar where her ear used to be. Shauna felt the familiar sensation of guilt churning in her gut. She knew Jackie had taken it hard when Misty had enthusiastically amputated several of her fingers and toes and finally her ear. Shauna had caught her many times obsessively trying to cover the area with her hair in various styles, and she had worn socks fashioned into mittens for that entire first winter to conceal her hands. 

Jackie suddenly rubbed hard at the skin there like she was trying to remove the scar.

Shauna instantly reached around her and took both of Jackie's hands in her own.

“Jackie,” she shushed her, smoothing her hair back so that the right side was now exposed, scar and all, “Stop, it looks fine.”

Jackie leaned back against her, chest rising and falling too quickly, “Really?”

“Really,” Shauna promised, truthful this time, reflexively pressing a kiss to where her ear used to be.

Shauna barely had half a second to question why the fuck she would do that when Jackie gasped and squeezed Shauna’s hands. She met Jackie’s gaze in the mirror, and she felt herself shiver with how wrecked Jackie looked from that one little kiss: face red and eyes desperate. Jackie arched her neck to more firmly press the side of her head against Shauna’s lips, and Shauna, knowing she was going to hell anyway, nibbled at the skin there before soothing it with wet kisses. 

Jackie panted, squirming in Shauna’s arms like she was trying to burrow into her, “Shauna, please-”

“Mom…s? Mom-ssss?” Callie shouted through the door, interrupting them, “Can we go now?”

Shauna groaned, gently pushing Jackie away, “Just a second, Callie!”

Jackie laughed quietly and put a hand over her ear sheepishly, “Well, let’s not keep our girl waiting then.”

Shauna opened the door, prepared to scold Callie for shouting, but was met with an unwelcome sight.

There stood Nat, Misty, Tai, and Van. Great. They were already looking at her judgmentally. 

Jackie stepped closer to Shauna, crossing her arms over her waist uncomfortably, “Um, hi?”

“You okay, Taylor?” Nat asked.

“Oh my god, Natalie is that you? And Tai and- Gosh, it’s great to see you guys!” Jackie broke into a grin, “I’m all good. But, um, it’s actually Shipman now? Not Taylor.”

At that, the other Yellowjackets made varying faces of disbelief and irritation. 

Jackie cringed and shrunk into herself, eyes widening, “Um. B-but if that makes anyone uncomfortable, I-”

“No, it doesn’t!” Van cut in, “We don’t care that you’re a lesbian. It’s fine, dude.”

“Oh,” Jackie said, looking at Shauna anxiously.

“I for one am and always have been a staunch ally of the LGBTQ+ community, Jackie,” Misty put in.

“Right,” Nat added, “We just seriously question your taste in women.”

Shauna bristled, but Jackie started to lose the horrible scared look on her face, so she said nothing.

Jackie leaned further into Shauna, “Hey! Don’t talk about my wife like that.”

Shauna’s face burned and she felt the urge to either bat Jackie away like an annoying bee or fold her up and put her in her pocket. Tai made eye contact with her and narrowed her eyes in suspicion. Shauna pretended not to notice.

“How’s Lottie?” Shauna deflected.

“She’s fine physically,” Tai sighed, “But mentally…”

“What happened to Lottie?” Jackie asked worriedly.

“Schizophrenia,” Misty replied matter-of-factly.

“Anyway!” Shauna interrupted, “It’s really great to see you guys, but I think Jackie probably needs to get home and rest.”

“Classic Shauna,” Nat said, voice dripping with sarcasm, “Always the attentive, loyal wife.”

Jackie beamed obliviously, “How lucky am I?”

“I’m just glad you crazy kids made it work,” Nat smirked.

As Jackie exchanged goodbye hugs with the rest of the team, Nat pulled Shauna aside.

“You better fix this without hurting her, Shipman,” Nat whispered sternly. 

Shauna glared, “What the fuck, Nat? This is your fault.”

“Are you kidding me? I just wanted someone to be able to check on Jackie, I didn’t know you would lie to her and create an entire alternate reality like a fucking crazy person,” Nat hissed, “You know, when normal people have a crush, they usually just tell them. Or jerk off about it. Not whatever the hell this,” here Nat gestured at Shauna as if ‘this’ represented her entire existence, “is.”

“I know. I fucked up,” Shauna sighed, “But I don’t have a crush on her. God, Nat, I'm 45 years old.”

Shauna looked over to where Callie was showing Jackie an iPhone. Callie held it up as if to take a selfie with her, and Jackie gasped.

“Shauna!” she exclaimed, “Babe, Callie’s phone can take pictures! Come take pictures with us!”

Shauna smiled softly, “Just a second, Jax.”

Nat rudely snapped her fingers in Shauna’s face, “What was that about not having a crush?”

Shauna glared. 

“But seriously,” Nat said, “She’d never admit it, but I know she’s still torn up over everything that went down with you two back then. I don’t know how, but maybe this is your chance to fix it.”

Shauna shook her head. Fixing anything about this would be impossible. It was like it had always been. Where Jackie was careful—every one of her actions coordinated to keep things the same, to uphold her image—Shauna was reckless, breaking Jackie’s handiwork beyond repair in a matter of moments. 

Reckless, ruinous, destructive—Shauna was an atomic bomb, always ready to scorch the earth at the drop of a hat. Besides, even if this Jackie really did want to be with her (and Shauna still wasn't convinced this wasn't some weird ploy to humiliate her or save face or something), when Jackie was back to her normal self she would remember how much she despised Shauna. When she realized Shauna had lied about them being married, she would probably laugh in Shauna's face. She certainly wouldn't be hurt as Nat seemed to think. It had been over 25 years of nothing but hostility and bitterness between them. There was no way Jackie still had even a trace of whatever feelings she'd apparently used to have for Shauna.

Right?

Chapter Text

Jackie somewhat regretted her impulsive decision to go shopping less than twenty-four hours after a concussion, especially considering that the world she was shopping in was much different than the world she remembered in 1995.

The sights on the way to the mall were overwhelming. Everything looked so different compared to what Jackie remembered. It was a good thing Callie drove them (seeing as Jackie didn’t know how to drive), or else Jackie probably would have crashed Shauna’s mini van the moment she saw Callie hit her ‘vape.’ (Whatever the hell that was.)

When they arrived, strange and unfamiliar music played from the store’s speakers, and all the people had the same strange little phones as Callie. Callie even had two tiny headphones that go inside your ears and somehow connect to the phone without a cord. None of this seemed fun or helpful to Jackie. The cars didn’t even fly! Overall, very disappointing, though she supposed that being able to get legally married to Shauna made up for it.

At least Callie looked happy, browsing a selection of crop tops that didn’t look too different from what Jackie wore back in her day. Maybe the style was vintage now? Wow, she felt old just thinking that. 

Callie held up a T-shirt with the words ‘Lana Del Rey’ on it to show Jackie. Callie had played a Lana Del Rey song on the drive here. To Jackie, it sounded like something Shauna would listen to: depressing.

“Blegh, no way,” Jackie said, “That one’s boring. Try again.”

Callie narrowed her eyes but complied, holding up a bright blue striped crop top. 

“That would look so cute on you,” Jackie gushed, “That color brings out your eyes so well. Definitely add it to the pile!”

Callie looked at her in amusement, “Are you sure? This store is pretty expensive…”

Jackie hadn’t noticed the price tags, “Wait, are we broke or something?”

Callie laughed, “Uh, no, but we’re not exactly rich.”

Jackie pouted, “What, Shauna hasn’t written that bestselling novel yet?”

“No?” Callie said, confused, “She’s a stay at home mom. I’ve never seen her write.”

Well that was weird. Shauna’s dream had always been to be a writer, and Jackie knew she was great at it. Jackie could never pay attention to half the books they read in school, but she’d always devoured everything Shauna had ever let her read of her writing since they were children. It was becoming rarer for Shauna to share that with her, as her journals more recently might as well have had ‘No Jackies Allowed’ written on the cover for how well she kept their contents out of Jackie’s sight. But each time Shauna let her read something of hers was like seeing into Shauna’s beautiful, beloved soul, which Jackie craved more than food.

“Oh,” she replied uneasily, “She used to love writing…”

Callie put her hand on Jackie’s shoulder, “But, hey, you’re a… teacher? Yeah, a teacher. And you coach girls’ soccer. That’s pretty… cool. In the lamest possible way.”

Jackie smiled at that. She’d never really had a specific dream career like Shauna. All she knew was that she wanted to go to college and get the hell out of Wiskayok with her best friend at her side. It seemed like she’d accomplished that and more, and coaching soccer didn’t sound half bad. She loved that sport more than anything besides Shauna, and now Callie.

“Do you play soccer?” Jackie asked, “Or any sports?”

Callie snorted, “Hell no,” she looked down, “I guess I don’t do much at all, really.”

“Hey, that’s okay,” Jackie replied, “You’re still figuring it out! And you seem like a really good kid. I mean, you kind of have to be if I’m your mom. That's, like, Genetics 101.”

Callie smiled a little but still looked down, “I don’t know. I’ve done some pretty messed up things lately.”

“Like what?” Jackie asked softly, feeling a weird sense of déjà vu.

“Nothing,” Callie replied, turning back toward the clothes rack and ducking her head to pretend to look at the crop tops again. It was such a Shauna-esque move that Jackie felt her heart melt.

She put a hand on her daughter’s shoulder, “Hey, talk to me. It’s not like I would ground you or anything. Shauna’s most definitely the grounder in this relationship.”

“I don’t know…” Callie sighed, trying to shrug off Jackie’s hand.

“Pleeeeaaaassssse,” Jackie begged.

“Has anyone ever told you how annoying you are?” Callie asked, but she was smiling.

Jackie pretended to think about it, “Ya know what? Yes. Someone who looks exactly like you, actually.”

Callie rolled her eyes, and Jackie put her arm around her shoulder, “So you’ll tell me right?”

“Fine… I’ve been hanging out with this guy,” Callie admitted, “He’s older than me… And I lied about it to Mom. But at first, I thought we really had a connection. Turns out he was just using me.”

Jackie felt rage like she had never felt before. How dare some older guy do that to her daughter?! 

“Oh, Callie,” she hugged her tight, “Who is this asshole?”

“I don’t know J- Mom,” Callie sniffled, “He’s a cop.”

And Jackie thought she couldn’t get any angrier. Well, Jackie didn’t give a shit if he was the fucking Terminator, she’d fight him.

For Callie’s sake, she tried to calm herself down, “Okay,” she said decisively, clapping her hands together, “Here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna buy all these clothes, and then we’re gonna go get ice cream. What’s your favorite flavor?”

“I like the chocolate sundaes,” Callie said tentatively.

“Me too! Must be genetic,” Jackie beamed, “Okay, and after that, you’re gonna tell me all this guy's information. And this weekend, we’ll egg his house.”

Callie sputtered, “What?!” 

“You heard me,” Jackie grinned, “Just don’t tell your other mom. Although, she couldn’t really say anything. Back in high school, whenever me and my ex-boyfriend Jeff were fighting, she would always encourage me to egg his house with her.”

Callie dropped the crop top she was holding, “Again: what?!”

“What?” Jackie asked, amused, “Which part are you surprised about? Shauna egging houses or me having a boyfriend?”

“Uhhh,” Callie gulped, “Both?”

“I could pass for straight,” Jackie huffed, glancing around to make sure no one was listening, “Everyone in high school believed it!”

Callie glanced at Jackie’s outfit—a sweater over a collared shirt, with Shauna’s too-big cardigan on top of that. 

“I don’t know, Mom,” Callie said teasingly, “Your fashion sense is pretty gay. And your overall vibe.”

“I don’t know what that means, but I do know you’re wrong,” Jackie sniffed, “Now, let’s go get that ice cream. You deserve it.”

Callie nodded and smiled just a little bit. Jackie would count that as a success.

As they left the store, Callie turned to her and said, “Thanks, Mom.”

Jackie beamed at her daughter, “Any time, kid.”

Chapter Text

Shauna glared at the picture of herself with Jeff at their wedding. She had been so young. And so stupid. 

She roughly ripped the photo off the wall and shoved it into the storage box. She needed to make the house look like it belonged to Shauna and Jackie Shipman rather than Shauna and Jeff Sadecki. 

That was the last picture. Shauna glanced back at the wall and surveyed her handiwork. Natalie had brought some of Jackie’s things from her apartment, filling Shauna’s closet with little Ralph Lauren shirts and flowery dresses rather than Jeff’s various work polos and plain T-shirts. She had also silently replaced several framed photos of Shauna and Jeff with pictures of Shauna and Jackie. Obviously, all of the pictures were from high school, and Shauna wasn’t even sure where Natalie got those pictures, but it would have to do. Nat had even brought some of Jackie’s decor and knickknacks—bright pink and green throw pillows, Jackie’s education degree from Rutgers, a ‘#1 Soccer Coach’ mug—to make the house seem more believably a place that Jackie might live. 

Now, Shauna’s house looked like a horrendous mixture of the styles of a nuclear family and an urban lesbian couple. It was nauseating, so why did Shauna’s heart ache with longing?

Jeff wasn’t helping, shooting Shauna judgmental looks from where he was carrying boxes of ‘Jeff evidence’—family pictures, Sadecki Furniture Emporium memorabilia, anything that looked like it belonged to a middle-aged man—to the attic.

He carried the last of the boxes up and Shauna made a final survey of the house, ensuring it was believable. Perfect timing, as it was then that she heard Callie and Jackie slam open the front door, giggling together like the teenagers Shauna supposed they both sort of were.

“Like, I know I’m your mom and supposed to scold you for this, but give me a break,” Jackie was saying, “I was a teenager, like, literally yesterday. And this tastes like strawberries! How cool is that?”

“Just don’t tell Mom I let you hit my vape,” Callie laughed, “She’d freak.”

Shauna narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms as Jackie and Callie rounded the corner into the kitchen, both of their eyes widening comically at the sight of Shauna.

“Babe!” Jackie greeted her innocently, quickly hiding something behind her back, “We were just talking about you. All good things!”

With that, Jackie brushed off the awkwardness in that annoying Jackie way of hers, practically skipping over to kiss Shauna’s cheek. She then leaned back and looked at Shauna expectantly.

“What?” Shauna asked, feeling slightly concussed herself.

Jackie rolled her eyes and tapped her cheek expectantly, “Kiss?”

Shauna obliged, pressing her lips to Jackie’s soft and smooth little cheek. God, this was a trip.

Jeff suddenly cleared his throat. Shauna hadn’t even noticed he was there.

Jackie straightened, wrapping both of her arms around one of Shauna’s, “Oh, sorry, I didn’t see you there. Shauna, babe, who is this?”

“Uh, that’s Jeff,” Shauna answered stupidly.

“Jeff?” Jackie furrowed her brows in confusion, “Wait… Jeff Sadecki?!”

“Hi, Jackie,” Jeff said, smiling tensely, “Shauna told me about the concussion. How are you feeling?”

For a moment, Shauna waited for Jackie to run into Jeff’s arms like she always did: at parties, when Jackie would abandon Shauna to dance with him; at school, when Jackie would jump out of Shauna’s car so she could kiss her boyfriend good morning before the first bell; on Jackie’s sixteenth birthday, when Shauna had secretly planned the perfect sleepover with all Jackie’s favorite things, only for Jackie to inform her that morning that Jeff was taking her on a date that night.

To her surprise, now Jackie frowned instead, “Um, no offense, but what exactly are you doing in my house?”

Jeff looked annoyed at that, glancing between Jackie and Shauna, “Just stopping by to help Shauna with something. I, uh, live nearby.”

“Oh, really? What are you helping her with?” Jackie asked, narrowing her eyes in suspicion.

“Just… moving some furniture around,” Jeff lied unconvincingly.

Jackie scoffed, “I think I can manage moving my furniture, Jeff.”

Callie snorted, and the three adults turned around to look at her.

“Sorry,” Callie said to Jackie, “But, Mom, you literally just struggled with closing the trunk on the mini van. Maybe Jeff was needed.”

Jackie looked at Callie in utter betrayal. Jeff looked smug for some reason. 

Seriously? Shauna thought incredulously, Did they think this was a dick-measuring contest or something?  

“Anyway,” she cut in, “Thanks, Jeff, for helping me move that furniture.”

“No problem, Shauna,” Jeff replied pointedly, “Maybe I could stay for dinner?”

Now Jackie looked really pissed off, tightening her hold on Shauna’s arm, “Oh,” she said coldly, “Well, my wife and I actually have plans tonight, and I’m really not feeling up to company right now, since I just had a severe concussion, so…”

Jeff looked startled and surrendered in the face of Jackie’s anger, even though he was easily twice her size. Shauna rolled her eyes. He was such a coward sometimes.

“Guess I’ll be going then,” he said, “Bye, Shipmans.”

Jackie glared at his back until he was out the door.

With raised eyebrows, Callie interrupted the charged silence as she backed out of the room, “Anyway… Guess I’ll go put up all these clothes we bought. Bye moms!”

Now it was just Shauna and a fuming Jackie. Great. Was Shauna the only person in this family sane enough to not be scared by a 5’4” lesbian who probably weighed 100 pounds soaking wet?

“God,” Jackie practically growled, “What is his deal?”

“What are you talking about?” Shauna sighed, “He was perfectly polite.”

Jackie gaped at her, “Seriously, Shipman? He was totally being weird to me. And he was giving you a look. Like, he wanted to steal you from me or something. Was I a total asshole when I broke up with him at the end of high school or something? Is this some kind of weird revenge?”

Oh, so Jackie was shocked that Jeff would show interest in Shauna, and she thought it was only because of some stupid revenge plot. She was so self-obsessed it was honestly amazing.

“Something like that,” Shauna managed to grit out.

“Anyway,” Jackie went on, oblivious to Shauna’s musings, “If he thinks he can steal you from me, he’s got another thing coming.”

“What do you mean?” Shauna asked.

“If he wants to get to my wife, he’ll have to go through these guns,” Jackie said, posing with her arms flexed.

The effect was much cuter than it was intimidating.

“Are the guns in the room with us?” Shauna asked sarcastically, easily moving Jackie out of the way in order to get to the oven.

Jackie seemed hurt by that but quickly recovered and began telling Shauna all about shopping with Callie and how weird ‘the future’ was. Shauna half-listened as she began preparing their dinner. Jackie didn’t even offer to help, simply perching herself on the kitchen counter and chattering on. Typical.

“Hey, is something wrong?” Jackie asked suddenly.

“No, why would you ask?” Shauna replied distractedly.

“You’re kind of chopping those vegetables like a serial killer, Shipman,” Jackie said.

“Oh,” Shauna looked down at where she was indeed violently cutting up a tomato, “No, nothing’s wrong. I’m just tired.”

Jackie jumped down from her place on the counter and hugged Shauna from behind like a koala. 

“I know it sucks about my memories or whatever, but we’re gonna get through this together,” she whispered, kissing the back of Shauna’s neck. 

Shauna gripped Jackie’s arms around her waist and had the insane thought that she wanted to keep this. 

But she knew she couldn’t. Sooner rather than later, Jackie would inevitably get her memories back. Even if she didn’t (and Shauna guiltily wished she wouldn’t), she would eventually figure out that everything about their life together was a lie. 

She would leave Shauna, just like she always did, and she would take everything bright and good with her. 

Shauna tried to remind herself that that was what she wanted anyway. Shauna was the one who tore them apart in the first place, to free herself from the suffocating position of belonging to Jackie. 

But as Jackie clung to her back and swayed them side-to-side, humming some song that she didn’t recognize, Shauna wondered if maybe suffocation wasn’t such a bad way to die.

Chapter Text

Jackie pouted, flopping dramatically onto the bed she shared with her wife. Shauna shoved her out of the way and climbed under the covers.

“Shaunaaaaa,” she whined, “Why not?”

“Because,” Shauna said firmly, “You just had a concussion. The doctor said no strenuous activity.”

“It doesn’t have to be strenuous,” Jackie pointed out, subtly turning her face from where it was mashed against the bed so that she could see Shauna’s expression, “I could just lie here and-”

Shauna set her face stubbornly, though Jackie thought she detected a blush in her cheeks, “No, Jackie.”

Jackie tried to ignore the flash of hurt and insecurity that she felt at that. Did Shauna not find her attractive? Jackie flexed her hand self-consciously and moved her head so her bad side was hidden against her pillow. She somewhat regretted having taken all her makeup off.

“Oh, fine,” Jackie grumbled, “Excuse me for wanting to finally have sex with you. My wife, by the way.”

Shauna sputtered, “Finally? You mean, you’ve been wanting to- to have sex with me?”

“Obviously,” Jackie replied, rolling her eyes in exasperation, “Haven’t I told you by now Shipman?”

“I guess,” Shauna sighed, looking at her suspiciously. 

It wasn’t Jackie’s fault she was… worked up. Defending Shauna from Jeff was weirdly exhilarating. And Jackie had convinced Shauna to shower with her under the guise of her concussion making her at risk for passing out and hitting her head again. Besides, it wasn’t like they hadn’t always showered together, even as teenagers. Though she had thought that now this would lead to something other than Jackie being vaguely uncomfortable and squirmy all night. Apparently some things never changed. 

Jackie decided that if she wasn’t getting sex, she should at least get cuddles. She squirmed her way into Shauna’s soft arms, tucking her head under Shauna’s chin and curling into her warmth. Shauna slowly put her arms around her. She smelled like the floral shampoo they apparently shared. Jackie had never felt so safe and protected in her life.

“Hey, babe?” Jackie asked.

“Yeah?” Shauna replied with a sigh.

“I was wondering,” Jackie began, “Why didn’t you become a writer or something? Callie said you’re a stay-at-home mom.”

Shauna was silent for a while as Jackie anxiously waited for a response.

“I don’t know,” she said finally.

“Is this…” Jackie swallowed nervously, “I just worry. Is this the life you wanted?”

Shauna tensed and said nothing. Jackie felt sick to her stomach at the possibility that she was thinking what Jackie thought she was thinking. That she didn’t want this. That she didn’t want Jackie.

Jackie blinked back tears, glad Shauna couldn’t see her face.

“I mean, who would want this, right?” Jackie scoffed, more harshly than she intended, “Here you are, forty-five years old, with nothing to your name but a boring suburban family and a shitty minivan. It’s not exactly the exciting life of traveling the world and writing famous novels that the genius Shauna Shipman ever dreamed she would have.”

“Stop,” Shauna said firmly, her grip on Jackie tightening enough to hurt, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Jackie noticed the undertone of hurt in Shauna’s tone and instantly felt guilty but couldn’t get the apology out of her mouth. Just like usual. 

Shauna’s grip softened as she sighed, “Just go to sleep. It’s been a long day.”

Jackie closed her eyes and stroked Shauna’s side, trying to communicate her regret and love through touch rather than words. They lay like that for a long time, but Jackie could tell that neither of them were even close to falling asleep.

“Shauna?” Jackie asked quietly.

“Yeah, Jax?” Shauna responded.

“Um,” Jackie whispered, feeling stupid but too worried not to bring it up, “Do you, uh, think I’m pretty?”

Shauna groaned, “Jackie, we’re literally married.”

“No, I know,” Jackie replied, face burning, “But you didn’t want to have sex, and I’m all old and scarred now. So I was just checking.”

“Idiot,” Shauna grumbled, though Jackie thought it sounded fond, “Of course I think you’re pretty. You’re still the prettiest girl in our grade, you know. You should’ve seen everyone’s faces at our twenty-fifth high school reunion. Everyone was in awe of you.”

Jackie beamed, hiding her face against Shauna’s chest, “Oh.”

“Yes, now seriously, go to sleep,” Shauna said, petting Jackie’s hair soothingly.

Seconds later, Jackie leaned back, “I still think that’s not true.”

“What?” Shauna said, refusing to open her lovely eyes.

“I wasn’t the prettiest girl in our grade,” Jackie whispered fervently, “You were. And now you’re the prettiest in the world.”

Shauna’s eyes shot open, looking at her in surprise. Jackie’s heart was overflowing with love for her wife.

“I…” Jackie started, feeling her throat closing up.

“What?” Shauna asked, breathless.

Jackie looked at Shauna and thought of all the times she’d failed to tell her how loved she was by Jackie. All the times Jackie had tried to deflect from serious feelings by making a subtly cutting joke, and then pretended not to notice the hurt in Shauna’s deep brown eyes. All the times she’d brushed Shauna off in favor of Jeff, scared of what it meant that she would have chosen her over him any day. Even just now, when she’d insulted Shauna’s life only to assuage her own insecurities. She had been afraid, but now she had to be brave. Thanks to Shauna, now she could be.

“I love you,” Jackie choked out, voice wavering only a little, “I’ve always loved you.”

“Oh,” Shauna gasped.

“And-” Jackie sniffled, happy tears filling her eyes, “I’m just so happy. I can’t believe I get to have this.”

“Baby,” Shauna whispered, voice thick with emotion, “I love you, too.”

Shauna tucked Jackie back into her arms and held her close. 

Jackie held on just as tightly. She realized then that Shauna could love her despite her imperfections. Even when she was mean and partially deformed and not even wearing makeup, Shauna loved her. And even though this future wasn’t technically perfect, it was theirs, and Jackie would do everything in her power to cling to this life with her wife and daughter. 

She would be better for them. She had to be.

“Shauna, I-” Jackie started to apologize, but Shauna cut her off.

“It's fine,” Shauna said gently, “It's all gonna be fine.”

Jackie believed her. Here in their warm and safe bed, their love as thick as the blankets wrapped around them, it felt like nothing could touch them.

Chapter Text

By the time the sun rose, Shauna had already been awake for a while. She’d opened her eyes to Jackie’s peaceful face inches from her own and one of Jackie’s little hands gripping the material of her shirt. She’d tried to close her eyes and drift back to unconsciousness, but the sight of Jackie up close was too arresting—Shauna could barely bring herself to blink, let alone sleep.

She wondered how she’d ever managed to find Jackie’s clinginess and insecurity to be annoying. Right now, in the soft quiet of their bedroom, and in light of the knowledge that Jackie was and had been in love with her, these qualities just seemed endearing and sweet.

A feeling was rising within her that she couldn’t stop. 

Shauna wanted, no, needed to keep this.

Jackie had always made her feel so small and insignificant. She had been the bright, golden center of Shauna’s life, and everything she did back then (perhaps even now) revolved around her. But like the sun to the earth, Jackie didn’t revolve around Shauna. At times, Shauna had also deemed Jackie more Barbie doll than human—plastic and perfect but ultimately false and even stupid. At other times, she'd deemed her purposefully malicious—out to control every aspect of Shauna's life only to protect her own fragile ego. So Shauna had made herself the tortured hero, fighting back against Jackie's tyranny. She'd also always been the child that ripped her Barbies' heads off (not before making them kiss, but her metaphor didn't have room to incorporate that detail).

Now, though, after Jackie’s love confession, Shauna realized Jackie had been orbiting her right back. Despite what Shauna had convinced herself as an angry teenager, Jackie hadn't been the sun or a piece of plastic or a villain, she had just been a girl with flaws as well as strengths who loved her friend. They had both been children, terrified by their feelings and of losing the other. They had never wanted to hurt each other (at least, not badly). Jackie had loved her, and Shauna had loved her back.

Shauna knew that she didn't deserve it then and that she certainly didn't deserve it now, but she was selfish and greedy. She'd been starving for the past twenty-five years, and she couldn't resist taking what was right in front of her, if only she could figure out how to keep her forever. Shauna had been the one to tear them apart, but now she knew she would do anything to fuse them back together.

Jackie snuffled in what Shauna presumed to be agreement as she wiggled around in her sleep. Shauna held her breath in the hope that Jackie wouldn’t wake up and that this moment could go on forever. What if she remembered everything when she woke up? Now that Shauna knew better, she realized Jackie would probably not laugh in her face once she found out like she'd originally thought. She was more likely to (rightfully) scream and curse and try to claw Shauna’s eyes out. Or worse, she might cry, and Shauna would have to claw her own eyes out just to not see those tears. 

Jackie blinked her striking eyes open but instead of screaming or crying, she just smiled softly. 

“Kiss me,” she demanded, eyes lidded and voice raspy and quiet with sleep.

For once, Shauna complied happily (even though Jackie had a bit of drool at the corner of her mouth), pressing her lips to her wife’s softly. Jackie tried to deepen the kiss but was overtaken by a fit of giggles.

Shauna couldn’t help but laugh as well, “What is your problem? Are my kisses funny to you?”

“No, I’m sorry,” Jackie got out between giggles, hiding her laughing face against the pillow.

Shauna did not want her view obstructed, so she gently cupped Jackie’s face to bring it back to her sight, “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing,” Jackie whined, smooshing her face against Shauna’s hand, “I just… I love you. So much.”

“You’re laughing,” Shauna said incredulously, “Because you love me so much?”

Jackie blushed endearingly but met Shauna’s gaze with such pure adoration that Shauna thought she could die from it.

“I love you so much, too,” Shauna replied, lightheaded.

Jackie hummed in contentment and pressed several little kisses all over Shauna’s hand, “So what do you want to do today, babe?”

“Huh?” Shauna asked, distracted by the kisses and Jackie’s collarbones, revealed now by the oversized T-shirt she had on. 

Jackie suddenly sat up as if realizing something, “Oh my god!”

“What?!” Shauna asked, heart dropping as she scrambled to sit up as well.

“I just had the best idea ever! We should have a date night!” Jackie exclaimed, literally clapping her hands together in delight.

Shauna sighed in relief, “Shouldn’t you be resting? You know, because of the severe concussion?”

Jackie waved her off, “I think it’s better now.”

“That seems medically improbable,” Shauna said suspiciously.

Jackie shrugged, “What can I say? ‘Medically improbable’ is basically my middle name at this point.”

Shauna rolled her eyes, “More like ‘accident-prone.’”

Jackie pouted at her.

“Alright, geez,” Shauna sighed, “What do you want to do for this date then, Jackie 'medically improbable' Shipman?”

Jackie beamed, “Well, what was our first date?” 

Shauna suddenly felt guilt like bile rising in her throat. For a blissful moment, she had genuinely forgotten that none of this was real, that she was lying to Jackie. Clueless, trusting Jackie, who was looking at her with what could only be described as heart-eyes. 

“Um,” Shauna stuttered out, “Mini golf. Followed by a picnic.”

Jackie lit up, “Oh, Shauna! That is so romantic. That’s what I told you I would do when we were just kids, remember? When I said I’d be obsessed with you if I were a boy?”

Unfortunately, Shauna remembered pretty much everything Jackie had ever said to her, “Yeah…”

“So let’s do that!” Jackie chirped.

“Oh, uh, maybe we should have a date night here instead?” Shauna suggested, “You know, because what if you get a headache?”

Truthfully, Shauna just didn’t want to risk running into someone she knew and having her cover blown. 

Jackie frowned pitifully, “But that’s not as romantic… Come on, Shauna, let’s just go out.”

Normally, this would have been the part where Shauna gave in, but she was stronger now and also couldn’t afford to let Jackie win this one.

“No, Jackie,” Shauna said firmly, “We’re staying in.”

“Oh, fine,” Jackie sighed, face pink, “I just wanted to do something romantic for you.”

Classic Jackie, Shauna thought reflexively, Always with the manipulative guilt-tripping to get her way. Well, Shauna was too old to fall for that any more.

“I’d rather stay in,” Shauna snapped, getting out of bed and pretending to start looking for some clothes for the day.

Jackie was silent for a minute. She was probably waiting for Shauna to give in like usual. 

Shauna caught herself then, Was that really what Jackie was doing? Or was Shauna imagining bad intentions where there were none?

“Okay,” Jackie finally said, voice small.

Shauna whipped around to look at her, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Jackie said petulantly, sitting on the edge of the bed and picking at a hole near the hem of her (actually Shauna’s) shirt.

“Just tell me, Jackie,” Shauna pleaded, feeling bad now for snapping.

“I just…” Jackie looked into Shauna’s eyes for a long moment and seemed to decide something, “I’m scared you don’t want to be seen with me. I mean, I get it, people probably give us really weird looks. But… I don’t know. It is scary, but I’m proud of you. I want you to be proud of me.”

Oh. Shauna’s heart just melted into goo. What the fuck.

“Jax,” she said softly, unable to resist scooping Jackie into a hug, “I am so proud of you. I really am just worried about your head. It kind of belongs to my favorite person, so I have to keep it safe.”

Jackie leaned back and gave her a small, hopeful smile, “Really?”

“Absolutely,” Shauna lied but wished with everything in her that it was true, that she really was just worried about her wife’s head. 

“Well, that’s alright then,” Jackie said, “Anyway, you're hard to say no to when you do that voice, Shipman.”

“What voice?” Shauna asked, baffled.

Jackie blushed, “You know... The kind of scary one?”

Before Shauna could question her further, Jackie pressed a quick kiss to Shauna’s lips before she hopped down.

“Where are you going?” Shauna complained.

“To make Callie breakfast!” Jackie replied, already halfway out the door.

Shauna sighed and followed after her. If Jackie still had the same cooking skills she had when she was young, she would be absolutely dangerous within ten feet of a kitchen. Shauna wondered if Jackie even knew how to cook now, as an adult. She doubted it. Without supervision, Jackie was prone to skipping meals and surviving off of random snacks whenever she got hungry enough. Shauna kind of wanted to die when she thought of Jackie, living alone in her apartment all these years, not ever eating a proper meal. 

Thankfully, when Shauna entered the kitchen, Callie already had her usual breakfast bar to-go out and was getting ready to leave. She was annoyingly independent like that.

Callie was smiling softly at Jackie but immediately glared when she saw Shauna.

Jackie hugged her daughter like she was going off to war, “I can’t believe my baby is going to school!”

Callie blushed but allowed Jackie to rock her side-to-side in a hug that Shauna knew from personal experience was the sweetest hug in the world, “Mom, I literally have been going to school for, like, eleven years.”

“I know, but it’s kinda the first time for me,” Jackie protested, leaning back. 

Callie rolled her eyes but looked weirdly pleased, “Well, don’t wait up. I’m staying at Ilana’s tonight.”

“Oh, that’s okay,” Jackie said, “Your mom and I are having a date night tonight anyway!”

Callie glared daggers at Shauna, “How… fun.”

“Shauna's basically the best wife in the world,” Jackie said, smiling obliviously at her, “Besides me, of course.”

Callie groaned, “Mom, can you give me a ride to school? Now?”

“Yes,” Shauna and Jackie replied simultaneously.

Shauna narrowed her eyes, “Jackie, you can’t drive.”

“Oh, right,” Jackie said, “That’s okay! I’ll start getting ready for our date.”

“You can just come with me,” Shauna suggested, nervous to leave Jackie alone.

“Nuh-uh, Shipman,” Jackie grinned, “I’ve got to work on some kind of date surprise for you.”

“You really don’t have to do that,” Shauna grimaced.

“Obviously I do,” Jackie said, guiding both her wife and her daughter to the door, “Now, off you go. Love you guys!”

With that, Jackie pressed kisses to Callie’s head and then to Shauna’s lips. 

Shauna dazedly got into her minivan. She hesitated for a second to close the door. Should she go back and get Jackie? But dropping Callie off at school should only take fifteen minutes... How much trouble could she possibly get into in that time when she was also preparing for a date? Jackie had a one-track mind about things like that. Shauna was 99% sure she would just be doing her makeup, and that would take at least an hour. It was probably fine.

Callie slid into the passenger seat, “You’re going to break her heart, you know?”

“What?” Shauna asked, honestly startled by Callie’s presence.

“Mom- I mean, Jackie is going to be crushed when she finds out this is all a lie,” Callie said, sounding choked up.

“Callie, it’s complicated,” Shauna said tiredly.

“It’s not that complicated,” Callie replied.

Shauna was silent. Callie just didn't understand it. Shauna couldn't tell Jackie the truth now, not when she was going to figure out how to fix this in a way that wouldn't hurt Jackie. Besides, the doctor had said there was a chance she wouldn't regain her memory... Maybe that would be for the best. Shauna could keep up this lie for the rest of her life it it meant keeping Jackie and not breaking her heart.

“I hate you,” Callie said suddenly.

With that, she put in her air pods and looked dramatically out the window for the rest of the drive, refusing to acknowledge Shauna.

Shauna sighed. Fair enough. She sort of wished she didn’t have to acknowledge herself either. 

Chapter Text

“Fuck,” Jackie cursed, shaking what she assumed was Shauna’s coffee machine.

Left alone, Jackie had decided to make Shauna coffee for when she got back (Jackie knew she took her coffee with no creamer to look edgy but secretly poured lots of sugar in it), but the process was much more complicated than she had initially thought. First of all, it was totally unclear which of the futuristic appliances in Shauna’s kitchen was actually the coffee maker. (Seriously, could someone not have just clearly labeled them? What the fuck was a Keurig?) Secondly, all of Shauna’s coffee grounds were contained in little pods that Jackie couldn’t figure out how to open. She’d ended up stabbing one with a knife and almost cutting one of her remaining fingers off in the process. But when she’d poured the grounds into the weird machine and pressed the buttons, nothing had happened. 

So that was a bust. Jackie would have to find another way to be romantic. How hard could it be? Jackie had seen Titanic dozens of times, and she thought of herself as something of an expert on the subject of romance. 

She considered making Shauna a cozy breakfast or a fancy dinner, but that ran the risk of the same problems Jackie had encountered with the coffee. Then she considered going out to buy flowers or chocolates or cute stuffed animals, but she didn’t know how to drive nor did she apparently own a vehicle. 

As she considered these things, she wandered around the house, looking for inspiration. The decor was an adorable mixture of Jackie’s and Shauna’s opposite (but complementary!) styles, and though she didn’t remember all the years she must have spent here, the house was as familiar as Shauna’s embrace or Callie’s smile. It was their home. It felt safe.

Callie’s room was super cute. It reminded Jackie much more of her own childhood bedroom than Shauna’s. She made a mental note to look up all the celebrities Callie had tacked to her walls. She noticed an English report on her desk with a big ‘C’ written in the corner. Jackie cringed and hoped Shauna didn’t find out about it.

Next was the living room. There were bright pink and green throw pillows strewn across a poorly matching couch. Jackie thought it was absolutely charming and mentally high-fived her future/past self for thinking up the color scheme. 

There were lots of pictures of Shauna and Jackie on the walls, and Jackie noticed a few of the Yellowjackets all together. She subconsciously rubbed the right side of her head and wondered about the apparent plane crash they had all been in. 

Then she had a brainstorm.

What if something bad had happened to Shauna during the crash, and that was why she hadn’t gone to Rutgers with Jackie nor become a writer? Poor Shauna could be suffering from some kind of trauma. They must have been out there for a long time if Jackie had suffered frostbite injuries. Nationals took place well before winter. If she wanted to be a supportive wife, she should find out what had happened. That way she wouldn’t accidentally hurt Shauna’s feelings again. Besides, if she could find out more about their shared past, hopefully it would give her information to use as part of her romantic scheme.

Determined, she sneakily opened Shauna’s weird, skinny computer. Callie had mentioned that one could easily look up information on the modern phones and computers. Unfortunately, Shauna’s computer asked her for a password. She tried various iterations of ‘Shauna’ and ‘Jackie’ and ‘69,’ but no dice. (If Jackie had a computer, her password would be ShaunaJackie69: her favorite person plus their soccer numbers together, duh!) She shut the computer with a sigh. 

Perhaps she could try their storage? Maybe there was some record or other about what had happened out there. Maybe Shauna had kept a journal.

She climbed up into the attic and looked around. Several boxes said ‘Jeff’ on them, which was weird as hell, but maybe he lived in a tiny shithole apartment and the Shipmans had kindly let him utilize their attic for storage space. Jackie rolled her eyes at Jeff’s theoretical patheticness.

The next thing she noticed was a white dress. She literally squealed out loud in excitement as she ran over to touch it. She held it up and smiled. It had to be Shauna’s wedding dress. The long, white, lacy sleeves were classic Shipman. Also, the bust area was too big to be Jackie’s. She looked around and couldn’t find her own white dress, but she guessed it was in one of the many boxes.

When she saw the photo albums, she forgot all about dresses and Jeff boxes and also her original quest to find answers. She just had to see her wedding photos and Callie’s baby pictures first. That was obviously priority number one. 

She flipped open the first one and saw a picture of Shauna in a hospital bed cradling a newborn Callie in her arms. Jackie’s eyes immediately misted over at how precious it was. She traced her fingers over Callie’s tiny face and Shauna’s exhausted one. She looked strangely melancholy, but Jackie supposed she was tired as hell from giving birth and all. She felt a little jealous that she wasn't in the picture, but she figured she was just behind the camera, taking photos of her beautiful wife and daughter.

She flipped the page. There were more pictures of Callie, then some more of Callie with Shauna. Without quite realizing it, her smile faded and she started to feel vaguely sick. Her hands shook and her throat closed up.

Where was Jackie? She kept turning pages, but she was never there. 

Tears streamed down Jackie’s face now as her breath quickened. What the fuck? Why were there no pictures of Jackie with her baby? And why were there so many of fucking Jeff Sadecki?

There was really only one explanation. Jackie just didn’t want to believe it.

Shauna had lied to her. Jackie couldn’t think of why right now, but she knew it in her heart. This whole marriage had been a lie. 

Shauna wasn’t her wife. Callie wasn’t her daughter. 

She shakily closed the photo album and stared off into space, frozen in shock. Then she spotted Jeff's name mockingly written on an ugly cardboard box. 

She stood and angrily attempted to lift the box and dump its stupid contents on the floor, but it was too heavy. Sobbing, she kicked it over with her foot and watched various framed photos tumble out, some of them cracking. She picked one up.

And there it was—Shauna in a wedding dress—but it wasn’t Jackie standing next to her. It was Jeff. Shauna married Jeff. Jackie wasn’t Jackie Shipman, and she’d been an idiot to ever believe she was. Jeff was the Shipman. Or Shauna was a Sadecki. Whatever. 

Jackie probably didn’t even have a family. She probably didn’t even have friends. Everyone around them—her teammates, Jeff, Callie—all must have known that Shauna was lying to Jackie, but no one had said anything. 

Worst of all, Shauna had lied to her. Since when did Shauna lie to her? Even when they were just best friends, Shauna had told her everything. Or had she? Exactly how long had Shauna been lying to her? Was she ever really even her friend? Had she ever loved her at all? She thought back to the safe, warm bed she had slept in last night, where Shauna had held her and told her she loved her too and kissed her good morning. Had all of that been fake as well?

Jackie felt like her favorite piece of her soul had been torn away from her in an instant. She crumpled to the ground and gasped for air, feeling lightheaded as tears dripped down her cheeks.

She suddenly desperately wished for the future she had imagined before. Just her and Shauna as best friends forever. Living next to each other in the same state that they always were. They would have their own husbands and families, but the two of them would always secretly know that their bond was more special and important than anything else. Jackie had always known that that was the best she could ever hope for, and she hated herself for being stupid and naive enough to think that this childish, unnatural fantasy life had ever been real. 

“Jackie?” Shauna called out from downstairs, “You okay?”

Jackie just numbly stared at the picture in her hands, wondering idly if she should just jump out of the attic window. She felt so hollow. If Shauna didn’t love her, nothing mattered any more. Jackie didn’t matter any more.

If Shauna had never loved her, then Jackie never had mattered to begin with.

“Jackie, where are you?” Shauna sounded worried now, “Baby?”

A tear slid down Jackie’s cheek. She wanted Shauna. After everything, she still wanted nothing more than to run into Shauna’s arms. But she couldn’t. 

(Or could she? Maybe, if Shauna explained it to her and apologized for lying… But no, that was another naive, stupid fantasy.)

Then Shauna stepped into the attic, obviously searching frantically for her 'wife.' She took one look at Jackie, sitting on the floor with her knees tucked up under her chin and Shauna’s wedding photo in her hand before her face crumpled in grief.

Jackie tore her gaze away, not wanting to give Shauna the satisfaction of seeing her pathetic tears. 

Finally, Shauna spoke, “Jackie, I can explain.”

Chapter Text

“Jackie?” Shauna called out as she walked into the house, “You okay?”

She smiled to herself as she imagined Jackie’s response. ‘Duh, Shipman. I can survive fifteen minutes without you, ya know? ’ 

But after a few moments of no response, Shauna frowned.

“Jackie?” Shauna called more loudly as she quickly surveyed the kitchen (which contained what appeared to be a murder attempt against her Keurig) and the bedroom, but both places suspiciously lacked her wife. 

She threw open the door to Callie’s room and then the bathroom, but still no Jackie. Now she was worried.

“Baby?” Shauna called desperately, opening random closet doors.

Had she run away? Oh god, was she outside? What if she got cold? 

Shauna was fully working herself up into a panic when she noticed the ladder to the attic was down. 

Fuck.

She frantically raced up the ladder, skipping rungs. She had to get there before Jackie figured it out.

Maybe she hadn’t seen anything yet. Or if she had, Shauna could do damage control, tell her-

Fuck.

As Shauna emerged into the attic, she immediately knew it was over. She had no words that could fix this. 

Jackie was sitting scrunched up on the floor, looking devastatingly tiny and miserable. Her face was a mess of tears and red cheeks. She was holding Shauna’s wedding photo. She looked at Shauna vacantly before she turned her head to hide her face. For some reason, Shauna's mind got stuck on the fact that she was still wearing Shauna's pajamas.

“Jackie, I can explain,” Shauna begged, finally finding her voice.

Suddenly, Jackie’s face contorted in anger and humiliation. 

“You married Jeff,” Jackie said, shakily standing up with the picture still clutched in her hands. Shauna could tell she was trying to sound angry, but the effect was ruined by the loud sniffle that followed.

“No!” Shauna replied instinctively, wanting to say whatever it took to stop Jackie’s tears, to get back the giggling Jackie from her bedroom this morning.

Jackie raised an eyebrow as she thrust the pretty solid evidence of Shauna’s wedding picture in her face.

“Well, I mean, yes, technically,” Shauna admitted, wondering for a moment if she could get away with telling Jackie she'd divorced Jeff, “But-”

Jackie abruptly cried out and threw the picture as hard as she could on the ground. The frame was pretty strong, so it didn’t actually crack. She glared at it with a crazed look in her eyes and then promptly started stomping on it with her bare foot. 

“Jackie, stop!” Shauna gasped, grabbing Jackie’s arms to push her away from the now broken glass, “You’re gonna get hurt.”

“Too fucking late, Shauna,” Jackie hissed, wrenching her arms out of Shauna’s grasp, “You already did that for me.”

Shauna felt tears gather in her own eyes at that, “Jackie…”

Jackie laughed bitterly, “I can’t believe I thought… Whatever. I’m clearly an idiot.”

Though Shauna had thought the same thing dozens of times, she felt offended when someone else said it, “No, Jackie, you’re not. Don’t say that.”

“Fuck you,” Jackie shook her head, “You’re a fucking… Liar. And a- a cheater .”

“I know I lied,” Shauna allowed, wishing she could just just cradle Jackie in her arms and wipe away her tears, “And I guess I cheated, but honestly, who cares if I cheat on Jeff?”

“Not Jeff!” Jackie shouted incredulously, “Me, Shauna! You fucking… friendship-cheated on me! With Jeff! My ex-fucking-boyfriend! How could you?”

Shauna couldn’t help but roll her eyes a bit at that, “I didn’t realize that our friendship was monogamous.”

Jackie’s brows furrowed in confusion, “What?”

“Never mind,” Shauna said tiredly, “It was a long time ago anyway…”

“When?” Jackie demanded, voice strangled, “When did you decide you would rather have Jeff than me?”

Shauna’s heart hurt, “Jackie…”

“And don’t lie to me,” Jackie said firmly, “If you lie to me again, I swear I’m going to walk out of this house and never see you again.”

“In high school,” Shauna admitted, unable to tolerate the thought of never seeing Jackie again, “But it wasn’t like that-”

“Fuck you,” Jackie cried in shock, “High school? So when Jeff and I were still dating? God, I can’t believe this. You know what, Shipman? I’m glad we’re not married.”

“What?” Shauna asked weakly.

“Because this?” Jackie gestured to Shauna and also all of their surroundings, “Is pathetic. What, you were so jealous of me that you decided to steal my boyfriend?”

“No,” Shauna protested, her mind clouded by memories of a very similar argument she'd had with Jackie once before.

“And now you have this whole pathetic, stupid, boring life?” Jackie grinned maliciously now, though the tears never quite stopped, “And to make yourself feel better about it, when I got amnesia and you saw your chance to fuck with me, you lied that we got married?”

“That’s not what fucking happened,” Shauna snapped reflexively, suddenly feeling smaller and about twenty-five years younger.

Jackie went on, “And you expect me to, what, be upset about it? Well, I’m not.”

Shauna gritted her teeth and magnanimously decided not to mention that Jackie looked well past upset about it.

“Because I would rather…” Jackie paused to think for a second, “I would rather eat my own severed fingers than be married to a cheating, lying… mean… person like you who never left her hometown and drives a minivan to drop off and pick up a daughter—who, by the way, doesn’t even seem to like you that much—only to go home to this depressing suburban housewife routine. Actually, I’m relieved we’re not really married, Shauna.”

At that, Shauna lost her composure. All of the resentment about Jackie’s sense of superiority, her falseness, her cruelty, and worst of all, the certainty that she would one day leave Shauna for someone better, came crashing to the forefront of Shauna’s thoughts. This morning, she had thought she'd buried that resentment for good, but Shauna knew better than anyone that just because something was buried didn't mean she couldn't dig it back up. So like the butcher she had been and maybe always would be, she instinctively went straight for the throat.

“Fuck off, Jackie,” she shouted back, “Like your life is any better. You’re forty-five years old and live by yourself in some crappy apartment to teach a bunch of ungrateful brats about a subject that you probably barely even passed yourself, and then you spend your free time trying to relive the peak of your tragic existence as a soccer coach. That’s pathetic.”

Shauna stood her ground even as Jackie’s lower lip quivered and her eyes did that stupid shiny thing. 

“Fuck you,” Jackie whispered.

A voice in Shauna’s head screamed at her to stop, but a lifetime spent in Jackie Taylor’s horrible shadow meant she had a lot more to say. 

“You know no one even questioned your absence?” Shauna asked viciously, “You’ve been away from your real home for days... I mean, don't you find it weird that not one person has even tried to contact you? Do you even have any real friends, Jackie? Does anyone give a single shit about you?”

“I thought you did, Shauna,” Jackie sobbed, “You were my best friend. I loved you.” 

“And how would I have known?” Shauna shouted, fighting back tears herself now, “You never told me.”

“I thought you knew,” Jackie said in a small voice, “I thought you knew me. But I guess you never did.”

“I guess not,” Shauna agreed with a strange sense of finality.

“Get out,” Jackie demanded suddenly, “I want to be alone.”

“It’s my house, Jackie,” Shauna said coldly, “I'm not leaving.”

Jackie looked around dazedly as if she'd just now realized the house wasn't actually hers, “Oh. Fine. I'll leave then.”

“Fine,” Shauna agreed, crossing her arms and looking away.

With that, Jackie walked around her with her head held stubbornly high and made her way down the ladder. Shauna stood frozen, letting Jackie walk out of her life for a second time. 

When she finally moved again, she numbly started putting photo albums and picture frames back into boxes. She stopped when she picked up an album with J+S printed on the front. Obviously, the initials stood for Jeff and Shauna, but Shauna couldn't help but imagine Jackie seeing the album and feeling excited at first before opening it to find Jeff instead. Shauna threw the book aside and clambered back downstairs. 

She sat on the couch and quickly sighed in annoyance because everywhere she looked, there were little signs of Jackie. She glared at Jackie’s tacky pillows, the pictures of Jackie and Shauna on the walls, and a little note on the coffee table written in Jackie’s girly handwriting. Shauna glanced over the latter's contents.

Date Ideas for Shauna

• Pancake breakfast like her Mom used to make (must learn how to make pancakes?)

• Movie night with rom-coms? (must not have any of Shauna’s celebrity crushes)

• Flowers (are poppies her favorite? or is that my favorite? tulips might be Shauna's actually)

• Boombox outside bedroom window (but don’t want to wake her up…)
• Get heart-shaped box of chocolates but replace the chocolates with Shauna's favorite candy (Sour Patch Kids!) 

• Sex???? (but how???)

Then there were several identical 'Jackie Shipman' signatures written in swirly cursive with hearts dotting both i’s. 

Shauna finally let out the sob she had been holding in ever since she saw Jackie in the attic. The force of her grief was so great that by the time she managed to blink through her tears she realized that she had torn and crumpled Jackie’s note, which just made her cry harder.

A completely indeterminate amount of time later, her tears finally dried up. She barely noticed the time crawling by as she stared at the door and waited for Jackie to come back.

The front door swung open, and Shauna shot to her feet, unsure if she was going to embrace Jackie or yell at her some more. But it was only Callie, home from school way too early.

“Where’s Jackie?” Callie asked immediately, glaring.

“Hello to you too,” Shauna sighed, “Aren’t you supposed to be at school?” 

“Yes, but,” Callie shuffled her feet awkwardly, “I forgot something.”

“What?” Shauna asked.

“My trigonometry homework,” Callie replied, rolling her eyes as if Shauna had asked the dumbest question she'd ever heard.

Shauna narrowed her eyes in suspicion, “You don't care enough about trigonometry to walk all the way back here.”

The two stared at each other for a long moment without blinking. Shauna stood her ground. If there was one thing she could do it was win a staring contest. Finally Callie broke.

“Fine! I wanted to make sure Jackie was still here, alright? You were acting so weird in the car, I thought you might fuck something up,” Callie practically growled, “So is she here or not?”

“She’s gone,” Shauna answered, voice flat.

“What happened?!” Callie demanded, “What did you do?”

“Why do you even care?” Shauna asked, exasperated, “You’ve known her for twenty-four hours. And I thought you wanted to see this blow up in my face.”

Callie’s eyes filled with tears, “I just wanted to be close to you.”

“What?” Shauna asked, honestly bewildered.

“She loved you and me so much,” Callie choked out, “I thought we could love you together. Like a family. And maybe then...”

“Callie…” Shauna whispered. She had no idea what to say. Jackie would have known what to say.

“So where did she go?” Callie asked.

“I don’t know,” Shauna sighed, “She figured it out, and then she just left.”

Callie looked concerned, “Aren’t you going to go get her?”

“She doesn’t want to see me,” Shauna answered bitterly.

“Why do you do that?” Callie asked desperately, “Why do you push the people that love you away?”

“I guess because people near me tend to get hurt,” Shauna replied tiredly. 

Callie put her hands on her hips in a decidedly Jackie-esque move, “Are you dumb? Pushing them away is what hurts them!”

“You don’t understand!” Shauna shouted back, “I almost killed Jackie. Did you know that I’m the reason she’s missing those fingers?! That I'm the reason she's not Jeff's wife and your mom right now? That I’m the reason she was so depressed that she almost- ”

Shauna cut herself off, breathing hard. Callie looked at her with wide eyes. Right. She didn’t actually know all of that. 

Callie shook her head, “Okay, so, we're gonna circle back to all of that later, but... Who cares? It doesn’t change the fact that she still loves you. Keeping your distance now will just hurt her even more.”

“She doesn’t actually love me,” Shauna sighed.

“Maybe not. But you still love her,” Callie argued back.

“I don’t,” Shauna protested half-heartedly.

Callie suddenly stalked away only to grab one of the framed pictures of Shauna and Jackie off of the wall.

She held it up to Shauna’s face (Shauna was pretty sick of pictures being shoved in her face today), “Look at this. I barely recognize you.”

Shauna looked at the picture. It was of the two girls in their soccer uniforms, arms around each other’s shoulders, both of them leaning toward the other and grinning so wide Shauna didn’t recognize herself either. But she recognized Jackie, whose face was the exact same as it had been this morning when she laughed because she loved Shauna so much.

“I've never seen you smile like that,” Callie continued, “Until dinner last night, when Jackie told that stupid, sappy story about the two of you meeting. Then you had this exact look on your face. I seriously thought you were having a stroke.”

Shauna smiled softly. She couldn’t help it. That story was freaking adorable, and Jackie always told it with the softest, brightest look in her eyes, as if she were telling the story of how the universe began from nothing. 

“I’ve got to go after her,” Shauna realized out loud.

“Finally,” Callie grumbled, “And I’m coming too.”

“No, you wait here,” Shauna said, already halfway to the front door, “In case she comes back, someone should be here. She'd be scared if she came back and the house was empty.”

Shauna threw open the door, only to be immediately confronted with a torrential downpour. 

Fuck. 

How had she not noticed that earlier?

And more importantly, why was Jackie always running away during severe weather events?

A cold sense of dread and déjà vu crept up Shauna’s spine, causing her to shiver. What if Jackie got hurt? What if she got cold? What if the rain somehow turned to snow? What if-

Shauna threw her raincoat and boots on, in case she had to get out of the minivan and walk to Jackie.

Hell, she would fucking swim to her if she had to. Because she had a chance to do right by Jackie this time.

Because this time, she was going to find her wife and bring her back inside.

Chapter Text

After storming out of Shauna’s house, Jackie started to walk. She walked for a long time through the suburbs, not caring about direction or destination. Her headache throbbed with renewed force. Her right foot throbbed from where she’d cut it on that stupid picture frame. Even her thoughts seemed to throb in pure despair, a repeating mantra of ‘Shauna hates me, Shauna hates me…’

It started to rain, but Jackie barely noticed it. She let it soak through her clothes and shoes, shivering. Her right foot stung miserably with each step. She was still wearing Shauna’s stupid sleep shirt and her own pajama shorts.

It was like the instincts that told her to not do the things that would be uncomfortable or painful had broken. If there’d been a cliff in front of her, Jackie was pretty sure she would’ve just walked off of it. If she caught pneumonia and died from walking in the rain, she would have accepted death without much fuss. Nothing mattered any more. Her best friend in the world, the one person she couldn't live without, hated her.

She wasn’t even really angry any more, as stupid as that probably was. Just deeply hurt. She had never felt anything remotely as gutting as this.

“Jackie! Wait up!”

Her head cloudy, she looked up at the approaching figure coming toward her through the rain. It was a strange man in a raincoat riding a scooter of some sort and precariously carrying what looked to be a soaked-through paper takeout bag. 

Jackie didn’t have the time or energy for that. She turned on her heel and began walking in the opposite direction, but Scooter Guy seemed to sense that she was about to run because he scooted quickly toward her and grabbed the back of her shirt, causing her to slip backwards and land on her ass on the wet ground.

“What the fuck?” Jackie complained, wondering (half-hopefully) if she was about to be killed in the middle of the suburbs in her pajamas by a guy on a scooter. It seemed a strangely fitting end to her tragic life.

“Sorry, Jackie,” the man panted, offering a hand to help her up (which Jackie promptly ignored), “I saw you walking through the rain with no umbrella or anything, and I just knew Shauna would kill me if I didn’t stop to help. Jeff told me about how you hit your head and lost your memory.”

At the mention of Shauna, Jackie couldn’t control the pathetic sob that forced its way out of her throat, startling Scooter Guy. He seemed at a loss for what to do, eventually settling on propping his scooter up with its kickstand and squatting down next to where Jackie had remained sitting on the ground. He raised his hand as if he was going to pat Jackie’s head like a dog, but she quickly slapped it away. 

“Leave me alone,” Jackie cried, burying her face in her hands, “I don’t know you.”

“Jackie, it’s me, Randy,” Scooter Guy explained, “Jeff’s friend, remember?”

Oh, right. Randy. The guy Shauna was supposed to date in high school so that she could match with her. Jackie had never understood why Shauna was so against it. Sure, Randy was gross, but so were all the guys at their school. Jackie supposed she knew now why Shauna had been adamantly opposed to dating Randy. She must have been pining after Jeff all along. 

Maybe Randy could tell her something though. He was too stupid to lie, and she couldn't actually trust that anything Shauna had said was true. Jackie tried to stifle the naive thought that everything had been some big misunderstanding, but she allowed herself to consider that perhaps it wasn’t as bad as she had previously assumed. Maybe Shauna was still her best friend, after everything. Jackie thought she could have forgiven Shauna for pretty much anything eventually, if only so she could still exist in Shauna’s life.

“Right, sorry Randy. This concussion is killing me. I can barely remember anything,” Jackie began, trying to sound innocent, “Like, just as an example, I can't even remember when Jeff and Shauna got married. Isn't that crazy?”

“Not too long after you guys were rescued,” Randy answered with a grin, oblivious to Jackie’s inner turmoil, “I was Jeff’s best man.”

“Was I there?” Jackie asked hopefully.

“Oh,” Randy cringed, probably just now realizing this might be a sore subject for Jackie, “Um, no? You didn’t really spend much time in Wiskayok after everything… once you went to Rutgers.”

Jackie wasn’t even Shauna’s fucking maid of honor (hell, she wasn’t even a lowly bridesmaid). Fuck. Somehow that was even more painful than not being her wife. They had planned to be each other’s maids of honor practically since they were kindergarteners. 

“I guess Shauna and I are still pretty close, though, right?” Jackie smiled falsely, voice cracking, “I must visit her all the time?”

Randy’s face paled, “Oh, uh, I’m not really sure, Jackie. Sorry.”

With that, Jackie suddenly sprang to her feet and grabbed Randy’s scooter. She quickly dragged the thing several feet away, struggling a bit because it was heavier than it looked.

“Tell me right now, or I’m taking your fucking scooter, Randy,” Jackie hissed. 

Randy seemed bewildered, “What? Wait, I need that scooter!”

“Then answer me: are Shauna and I still best friends?” Jackie demanded desperately, aware of how stupid the question sounded but not really caring what Randy-fucking-Walsh thought of her.

“You can’t take my scooter hostage,” Randy whined.

“I can and I did,” Jackie scoffed, “So spill. Right now. And don’t even think about lying. I’ll be able to tell.”

The two stared at each other. Jackie refused to blink, widening her eyes in an expression that she hoped looked hostile and dangerous, despite the fact that she was standing there shivering with her clothes completely soaked through.

“Fine! Geez, your eyes are creepy!” Randy broke pretty quickly, “You guys stopped hanging out after you were rescued.”

Though it had been made clear before that it was unlikely that Shauna and Jackie had remained friends, the confirmation of it cut the last strings holding onto Jackie’s hope like a chainsaw to a shoelace.

“Why?” Jackie asked.

Randy looked at her miserably, but Jackie simply put her foot on the scooter like she was about to take off. It was an empty threat, seeing as Jackie had never ridden an electric scooter before and would most likely immediately crash it, but Randy didn’t need to know that.

“Shauna cheated on you- or no- Shauna cheated on Jeff, I mean, Jeff cheated on you with Shauna . I’m sorry!” Randy cried, “Please give me back my scooter.”

Jackie numbly let the scooter clatter to the ground and walked away, ignoring Randy yelling after her. Apparently she had at least frightened him a little because he didn’t try to follow her.

One question still echoed through her head. Why? Why had Shauna hurt her, gutted her, abandoned her? She had to have hated Jackie, but why? What had Jackie done? In their argument, Shauna had called her pathetic... Was that it? Or perhaps it was all the times Jackie had struggled to show Shauna affection. She could barely say 'I love you' to Shauna when she thought she was her wife. But she could have been better, if Shauna had just talked to her instead of blowing everything up. On the other hand, maybe Shauna had just never even really liked Jackie, and Jackie had been forcing her to be her best friend all along. 

A car drove past Jackie, spraying her with water. Great. She looked around, not really recognizing where she was at this point. It didn't matter though. There was really nowhere for her to go, no place in the world for her without Shauna. What was even the point of living if Shauna hated her so much? 

She blindly stumbled through someone’s yard, letting the rain soak her further. She was so cold and tired. It was hard to believe that just a few hours ago she had been warm and safe and happy in bed with her wife. But it had all been a lie. She had never been warm or safe or happy. She had never had a wife. 

She looked up to see a familiar house: Shauna’s childhood home. Jackie noticed that the mailbox still had 'the Shipmans' engraved on it, so presumably Shauna’s mother still lived there. She supposed it didn’t matter, as Ms. Shipman was not actually her caring mother-in-law but instead would probably not even recognize Jackie at all.

A wild urge had Jackie marching straight up to the door and ringing the doorbell, but no one answered. She looked under the potted plant where the spare key had been hidden for as long as Jackie could remember, and there it still was. Before she could even question the consequences if Shauna’s mother came home to find some strange, drenched woman in her house, she turned the key and made her way inside, dripping water all over poor Ms. Shipman's floors. 

The house was just the same as Jackie remembered it. Pictures of Shauna lined the walls, in order from infancy to adulthood. At around kindergarten, Jackie herself started appearing in more and more pictures, always hanging off Shauna or posing dramatically. Then it stopped. The final picture with Jackie in it was one she actually remembered Ms. Shipman taking of her and Shauna just before they left for the first day of senior year. Jackie was wearing a brand new outfit, carefully selected after weeks of debate, and she had her hair and makeup perfectly applied. Shauna had been convinced to wear a slightly more dressed up than usual outfit as well, complete with a denim skirt that had been absolutely distracting for Jackie back then. In the photo, Jackie was beaming obliviously at the camera as Shauna mischievously held up two fingers in bunny ears behind her head.

The remaining pictures were distinctly lacking Jackie. Many contained Jeff instead. Followed by the addition of Callie. The three looked like a perfect family: a loving husband, a doting wife, and an adorable daughter. If Jackie had been there, she would have stuck out like a sore, amputated thumb.

Jackie tore her eyes away and climbed the stairs to Shauna’s room. Inside, it was like a time capsule of her childhood. Jackie was surprised to see that even the pictures of herself with Shauna were still present. She tried to imagine Jeff and Shauna hanging out here when they started dating, surrounded by pictures of Jackie like an unwelcome ghost. 

Jackie flopped back onto Shauna’s comfortable but dusty bed. She looked at the ceiling and imagined she was Shauna back then, fucking Jeff. Did she like it? Did she ever think of Jackie? Jackie supposed Shauna wasn’t actually a lesbian, since she was married to Jeff and her relationship with Jackie had been fake. Shauna was probably normal and enjoyed sex with Jeff. The thoughts made Jackie feel ashamed and sick. 

She felt something hard under Shauna’s pillow and reached behind her to pull out a journal. Jackie didn’t recognize it, so she flipped open the cover to see 1998 written in Shauna’s messy scrawl. She opened to a random page in the middle, where a single, small poppy pressed between the pages slipped out. 

The page was dated July fifteenth. Jackie’s birthday.

I miss her. I’m marrying Jeff next month, but I miss her. It’s insane. I know she’s tragic and boring and insecure. But now I don’t think I would feel even a fraction of the feelings I have for her for the most successful and interesting and confident person in the world. Sometimes I hate her so much, but right now I can’t even find that feeling. All I can feel is her, like a phantom limb, her dead weight pressed tight against my chest. She’s buried in my arms, but I’m buried too in her eyes, and her soft hair, her cold nose, her sweet smell.

Jackie. I’ll never have another friend like you. I don't even know where you end and I begin. I'm sorry. And I love you.

Jackie choked on a sob, dropping the journal in shock. What the fuck, Shauna?  So she had loved her (and also hated her)? But then, why had she married Jeff? 

Tears dripped down her face as Jackie set the journal aside and crawled out of Shauna’s bed. She opened one of Shauna’s dresser drawers and immediately took out one of her old flannels. She shrugged it on, wishing she really could just die and be buried in Shauna’s arms like her journal said.

Shauna was still her best friend. Shauna loved her even if she also hated her. 

If Jackie went back to her, could she convince her to let her back in? But then, love didn’t change the fact that she was pathetic and boring and all the things Shauna hated.

She left Shauna’s house then, feeling like a ghost. 

It was darker outside now, but the rain poured just as hard. 

A car approached, going suspiciously slowly. 

“Jackie!” a familiar voice called out, “What the fuck are you doing?”

Jackie turned around to glare at Natalie Scatorccio of all people, “Fuck off, Nat.”

“Get in the damn car, or I’m running you over,” Nat yelled. Jackie flipped her off in response. 

“Jackie,” Lottie stuck her head out of the passenger window (Geez, was Misty going to jump out of a bush next?), “Please listen to us. I have to tell you something very important.”

Jackie ignored them, putting her head down and continuing to stomp away through the gross, wet grass. Bits of cut grass stuck to her legs uncomfortably, but she preferred that to getting in a car with the same people who had lied to her about her entire freaking life.

That was when she felt a hand grab her shoulder. She flinched and spun around to see Lottie, somehow having snuck up on her. Lottie gripped her arms tight, trying to drag her toward the car.

“What the fuck,” Jackie screamed, trying to twist out of Lottie’s grasp, “Let go of me!”

“I’m trying to help you,” Lottie said, eerily calm. Then she picked Jackie up like a stray wet cat.

Jackie kicked and swung her arms wildly, face burning red, “Lottie, I swear to God if you don't put me down right now-”

Before she could finish her threat, Lottie slung her into the backseat of the car like a sack of flour and Nat quickly shut the door behind her. Jackie pulled uselessly at the door handle, but it wouldn’t open. She tried to climb into the front seat, thinking she might drive Nat’s car away without them, but Nat quickly hopped back into the driver’s seat and shoved her back.

“Calm the fuck down!” Nat pleaded, “Jesus, can we all just chill for a second?”

Jackie slumped in the backseat, giving up. She glared at Nat as she shivered and pushed her dripping wet hair out of her eyes.

“Let’s all take deep breaths,” Lottie suggested from the passenger seat, taking exaggerated deep breaths, in through her nose and out through her mouth.

Jackie tried unsuccessfully to hold her breath until she died, but she just ended up coughing.

Nat ignored her and mimicked Lottie’s movements.

“Alright, Jackie, how about we listen to your playlist?” Nat suggested like she was talking to a toddler throwing a tantrum, holding up one of those skinny phones, “I’ve still got your phone. Think you know the passcode? It’s four numbers.”

Jackie glared but curiosity got the best of her so she reluctantly said, “Try 6969.”

Nat tried it, “Huh. Well, somehow that worked.”

She connected the phone to a cord that connected to the car, quickly tapping away on the phone screen, presumably to start Jackie’s music.

Some sort of pop music started to play. Jackie tried to ignore it as Nat started the car and drove toward who knew where. Hopefully hell.

With a taste of your lips, I’m on a ride

You’re toxic, I’m slippin’ under

With a taste of a poison paradise

I’m addicted to you, don’t you know that you’re toxic?

For probably the hundredth time that day, Jackie promptly burst into tears.

“Oh, Nat,” Lottie sighed in disappointment, “The music made her cry.”

“How was I supposed to know Britney-fucking-Spears would make her cry?” Nat hissed defensively, scrambling to turn the music off.

“How did you guys even know I was out here?” Jackie sniffled, a part of her hoping Shauna had called everyone to demand they search for her.

“Lottie felt a disturbance in the force or some shit,” Nat answered, “So we left my motel room and just started driving around.”

“Glad you guys could stop smoking crack and fucking each other in a motel room long enough to come kidnap me,” Jackie bit out sarcastically, “It really makes up for our last fun team-bonding activity: ‘let’s all make Jackie look like an idiot’.”

“We weren’t smoking crack,” Lottie said seriously, “We were drinking maca root and ashwagandha tea.”

“Yeah? Well I don’t give a fuck about your ass-washing tea,” Jackie hissed.

“Don’t talk to her like that, Taylor,” Nat protested, “She had nothing to do with any of it. Well, not this time at least.”

Lottie looked at Jackie, her gaze intense, “I dreamt about what happened last time we let you leave. I dreamt it would happen again.”

Jackie felt a chill go down her spine, “What would happen again?”

“Lottie-” Nat tried to cut off.

“That you would die,” Lottie answered ominously but honestly.

“Fuck,” Nat groaned, banging her head on the steering wheel.

“I died?” Jackie questioned in shock.

“You and Shauna fought, and then you left and slept outside the cabin,” Lottie explained.

Jackie deflated. She had thought things couldn’t possibly get worse, but it felt like whatever tiny spark of life still inside her had been snuffed out.

“No one came to get me?” Jackie asked, voice small.

Lottie shook her head sadly, “And the next morning, we found your frozen body. You didn’t have a pulse. But I could feel that the Wilderness wasn’t done with you yet.”

“More like Misty just knew that people could be warmed back to life after hypothermia freezes them to death,” Natalie protested, “We warmed you back up. Your stubborn ass wasn’t about to die that easily.”

“I should be dead,” Jackie whispered, “I wish I was dead-”

“No!” Nat interrupted, “Jackie, don’t fucking say that. We were all so wrong to let you sleep outside. You don’t remember it now, but trust me when I say that you fought tooth and nail to live after that.”

Nat met her eyes in the rearview mirror, “I’ve… been there before, too, you know?” she paused, “Wanting to die… But it gets better. Don’t give up on yourself or your life. If anyone can make something annoyingly great out of the shitty hand you’ve been dealt, it’s you, Jackie. I’ve seen you do it. You built a pretty good life for yourself out of nothing, all by yourself. The kids you teach love you. I don’t know where I’d be if you hadn’t been there to let me crash on your couch all those times. Fuck, I admire the hell out of you, Captain. You got tough. But you're somehow still kind. Don’t let Shauna’s insanity dictate your life. Remember who you are and go for what you want.”

“Memento qui sis,” Lottie agreed.

Jackie didn't know when Lottie got so good at French, but at her friends' care, she felt her heart warming up from where it had been chilled by the rain. Shauna was wrong. People did care about her. She wasn't just pathetic, she was also kind and tough. And Nat was right, Shauna couldn't dictate her life.

“Stop the car,” Jackie demanded abruptly.

“What?” Nat protested, “Why the fuck?” 

“I have to go to her,” Jackie explained, pulling on the door handle, “Nat, your pep talk made me realize something. I can’t give up on what I want. And I’m in love with her. I always have been. I have to at least try.”

“Okay, well, that was definitely not the point of my speech,” Nat grumbled, “Which is completely different from a pep talk.”

Jackie pulled the door handle impatiently multiple times, pressing a random button that just made the window roll down.

“Calm down! I can drive you there, dumbass,” Nat said incredulously.

Jackie ignored her and continued to pull uselessly on the door handle. She couldn’t explain why, but it was absolutely vital that she got out of this car right now and ran to Shauna. 

“You have to unlock it first,” Lottie explained, reaching back to push a different button, “There.”

“Lottie, what the fuck!” Nat exclaimed, betrayed.

Jackie ignored them both and threw open the door. Thankfully, Nat had slowed the car to a crawl on the suburban roads. Jackie hopped down from the car back into the pouring rain, ignoring Nat’s shouts of protest. 

She immediately marched off down the road.

“You’re going the wrong way!” Nat yelled after her.

Right. Jackie turned around and started marching in the other direction. She wasn't going to be left outside. Because she had a chance to do right by Shauna and herself this time.

Because this time, she was going to go back inside to her wife.

Chapter Text

For the second time in as many days, Shauna furiously drove her minivan in the direction of the love of her life. For the second time in her whole stupid existence, Shauna had driven the aforementioned love of her life to attempt to get herself killed via precipitation. She could only hope that this time didn't involve loss of life or limb or ear for Jackie.

It had grown dark out, and so far, she’d only seen a couple of people walking around with umbrellas. She ignored them because Jackie was an insane person and had seemingly not even taken a jacket with her, much less an umbrella. She also saw Randy on a scooter, waving furiously for her to stop, but she ignored him as well. She definitely didn't have time for that.

Finally, she spotted a crazy person in pajamas, marching through the rain as if they were on a mission. Classic Jackie.

Shauna’s minivan skidded to a stop as she simultaneously threw open the door. 

There she was. And suddenly, Shauna was seventeen years old, and Jackie was too. She looked tiny and vulnerable, wearing that blue-striped sweatshirt and Yellowjackets letterman, shivering and crying with snowflakes in her hair. Before Shauna could react, Jackie's lips started to turn blue and her fingers started to blister with frostbite. Shauna looked down only to notice the knife in her own shaky hands. 

Then she blinked and Jackie was herself again. Forty-five years old but somehow still just as small and scared as she was back then. Shauna looked back down for a second and saw that her own hands were just as shaky too. 

“Jackie!” Shauna called out, voice breaking. 

She immediately rushed to her and pulled her into an embrace, clutching her sopping wet form tight enough to meld them together. In her arms, Jackie shook with cold, her grip on Shauna almost painfully tight. Shauna distantly realized she was crying loudly.

“Jackie, Jackie,” Shauna heard herself repeating nonsensically between sobs, “My baby.”

“I was trying to come back,” Jackie said, voice warbling.

“I know,” Shauna choked out through her tears, clutching Jackie tighter, “I was trying to come get you.”

Jackie shivered and pushed her nose against Shauna’s neck, whimpering, “Please don’t leave me.”

“Never again,” Shauna promised as her heart broke, “Please come back inside now.”

“Okay,” Jackie agreed easily, and it struck Shauna that she could have avoided a lot of pain if she’d simply gone outside after Jackie twenty-five years ago.

She quickly bundled the other woman into her minivan, wrapping her up in her own jacket and buckling her in protectively. Jackie seemed out of it, gazing blankly at the rain pattering against the windshield. Shauna guided the minivan much more carefully back toward her house, glancing worriedly over at Jackie every few seconds.

The moment they set foot in the house, Callie was throwing her arms around Jackie’s neck. Jackie didn’t hesitate a moment before hugging her back, though her face showed her surprise.

“I know I’m not your mom now, Callie,” Jackie said, voice wavering, “You don’t have to p-pretend any more.”

“I know,” Callie said, gripping Jackie tighter, “I’m not pretending.”

“Oh,” Jackie choked out, tears mixing with the rain water on her face.

“Next time you and Mom fight, come to me instead of dramatically running off into a storm,” Callie scolded softly, “We can just egg her house or something instead of you almost drowning.”

Shauna rolled her eyes but decided not to point out that Callie would be egging her own house in such a situation.

“Okay, Cals,” Jackie whispered, petting Callie’s hair, “Sorry I scared you.”

Jackie turned back toward Shauna, her eyes shiny with tears, “Shipman family hug?”

Shauna hesitated. Callie nudged her sharply. Giving in, Shauna wrapped them both up in a hug. Jackie sighed in contentment and squeezed Callie harder.

Callie stepped back after a second, holding her arms out to examine her now soaked shirt, “God, Mom- I mean, Jackie, did you go swimming or something?”

Jackie laughed, but her eyes looked pained. Shauna cringed guiltily thinking about how she had not only lied to Jackie about her marriage, but also about her having a daughter. Thanks to Shauna, Jackie had lost her title of mother not long after gaining it. Though her experience was different, Shauna knew how that felt. And both instances had been Shauna’s fault.

“Let’s get you dried off,” Shauna suggested, leading Jackie toward the bathroom.

“Wait,” Callie stopped them.

Her daughter hugged Jackie once more and pressed a kiss to her forehead, just as Jackie had done earlier that morning. Shauna looked away, feeling almost like an unworthy intruder on such a sweet moment, but eventually Jackie took her hand again and let Shauna guide her to the bathroom.

There she peeled off Jackie’s wet clothes, wrapping her in every fluffy towel she could find and gently rubbing her hair dry. She wrapped Jackie’s foot up in gauze and then helped her into some warm, soft clothes. All the while, Jackie looked at her questioningly. Shauna knew what questions those beloved wide eyes held, but she didn’t know how to answer them except by being as soft and gentle as possible with her actions right now.

Settling her in bed, she tried to tuck Jackie in by herself, but Jackie silently maneuvered her so that Shauna leaned back against the headboard with Jackie perched securely in her lap.

“Jackie... I’m so sorry,” Shauna finally managed to say.

Jackie let out a noise somewhere between a sniffle and a whimper, “I love you, Shauna.”

Shauna could only stare in disbelief at this miracle of a woman in her arms. How Jackie could still love her after everything was beyond her understanding.

“Why’d you do it?” Jackie asked.

Shauna closed her eyes as Jackie sought her gaze. She didn’t know what exactly ‘it’ was, but that didn’t matter. She’d been asking herself why she’d done any of the things she’d done to Jackie for years.

“I still don't know,” Shauna finally answered, “Maybe I wanted to be you. Or I wanted to have you. I don’t know. All I know is that I’m sorry. And I love you.”

Shauna immediately felt so stupidly vulnerable that she wished more than anything she could take her words back. But Jackie surprised her, always kinder than Shauna gave her credit for.

“Idiot,” Jackie sighed, sounding as tired as her actual age implied for once, “You always had me.”

Shauna pressed endless kisses into Jackie’s hair while Jackie pressed her cold nose against her neck. She started to tremble again, which promptly broke Shauna’s heart.

“Are you cold?” Shauna asked softly.

“Yes,” Jackie admitted, burrowing deeper into Shauna’s arms as if she were trying to crawl inside her ribs.

“As much as I’d like to put you inside me,” Shauna sighed, “You’re gonna have to let me get up if I’m going to get you some more blankets.”

Jackie looked up at her and smirked like a dork, “Inside you? That can be arranged.”

Shauna rolled her eyes fondly, “You wouldn’t last five seconds. You’re doing that sleepy thing you do.”

“What sleepy thing?” Jackie whined.

“You get all whiny and can barely hold your eyes open,” Shauna said, more fond than exasperated.

“Well, put me to sleep then,” Jackie argued, tracing a finger across Shauna’s chest suggestively, “It’ll warm me up, too. Two birds, one stone, Shipman.”

“What about almost dying of exposure is turning you on right now?” Shauna questioned.

Jackie blushed, “Excuse a girl for getting off on a reunion in the rain with her true love. Geez, Shauna, you really have no sense of romance.”

Shauna couldn’t help but kiss her for that and was able to promptly extract herself from Jackie's clinging arms while she was distracted with kissing.

After doubling the amount of blankets and then allowing Jackie to arrange her arms around her as she wanted, Jackie entwined them so closely together that Shauna couldn’t tell where she ended and Jackie began. 

“I’m still mad at you, ya know,” Jackie said sternly to Shauna’s arm that she was cuddling.

“I know sweetie,” Shauna cooed, trying to distract Jackie from her anger with a kiss to her nose.

Jackie just sniffed, unimpressed, “You’re going to have to do a lot of groveling to make it up to me, Shipman. I’m talking love letters, flowers, candlelit dinners, massages, orgasms…”

Though Shauna would have normally responded to this kind of statement with resentment, Jackie’s soft breath on her neck as she listed her demands and her cold feet tangled with Shauna’s prevented any such feeling from taking root.

“Whatever you say,” she agreed, signing her soul away to an adorable menace in fluffy bunny pajama pants.

Jackie hummed in contentment. Shauna knew better than to expect Jackie to go to sleep straight away. She always had to spend at least fifteen minutes squirming and asking either weird or personal questions before she finally conked out. 

“What are we going to do now?” Jackie asked.

“Whatever you want,” Shauna answered, truthful and vulnerable with Jackie like she was with no other person, here in their warm and safe bed once again.

Chapter Text

As the rainy October gave way to a frigid November in Wiskayok, Jackie got more and more comfortable with her (now real) life with Shauna.

Sure, there was some turbulence here and there, with both Jackie and Shauna learning to be good to each other, but compared to anything else Jackie had known, it was pure bliss. And sure, she wasn’t Shauna’s wife (yet), but being her girlfriend was certainly nothing to scoff at. It was definitely something more than she’d ever thought she’d have. She had no qualms about the title. In fact, she thought it was cute. They were girlfriends.

(Shauna may have had some qualms about this. “‘Girlfriend’ sounds so juvenile, Jackie.” Jackie had easily won that argument by pointing out that she couldn’t be Shauna’s spouse right now because the title was taken by Jeff. On their biweekly video calls, Nat had unhelpfully pointed out that this actually made Jackie Shauna’s side piece. Which, the divorce was literally pending, so fuck her very much.)

Now she was helping Shauna set up for Friendsgiving, which Jackie had learned about by watching the little tick tock videos over Callie’s shoulder while curled up on the couch in an attempt to bond with her while at the same time becoming more knowledgeable about the twenty-first century. 

Shauna claimed it was really weird for the Yellowjackets specifically to do Thanksgiving together, given the cannibalism that had apparently occurred in the wilderness (Jackie was actively choosing to circle back to the cannibalism of it all at a later point, once she’d processed every other insane thing Shauna had told her about her life to date). 

But Jackie was stubborn, and she considered her brainstorm regarding a Friendsgiving celebration a stroke of pure genius. Besides, Friendsgiving was totally different from Thanksgiving. Shauna had been quick to point out: “You do see how that’s actually worse, right? Considering we ate our friends-” But Jackie shut her down with a pout. 

It also didn’t hurt Jackie’s case that Shauna was still working off the major relationship debt she’d incurred by lying about basically everything. Their therapist had advised against ‘making their relationship transactional,’ so it wasn’t… except sometimes when it benefited Jackie.

Jackie frowned as she considered the placement of the name cards in her hand. Per Callie’s insistence, Jeff was invited to Friendsgiving, which meant Jackie had to figure out the optimal place to seat Shauna’s (soon-to-be-ex) husband to keep him as far away from Shauna as possible, but also positioned so Jackie could keep an eye on him lest he attempt to look at her girlfriend too often (in which case Jackie would glare menacingly, scaring Jeff off, obviously).

If Jackie placed the appropriate Yellowjacket next to Jeff, maybe it would keep him too distracted with nervousness to even think about Shauna. Natalie would probably scare him the most, but Jackie needed Nat to sit next to her. Nat had been her rock these past few weeks, a steady and solid friend to counter her girlfriend’s baseline insanity. Any time Jackie needed to fact-check the information Shauna gave her about their lives since the plane crash, Nat was there. Any time Jackie just needed reassurance that she mattered and people cared about her, Nat was there. Therefore, Nat couldn’t sit next to Jeff, and Jackie wouldn’t do something that cruel to Nat anyway.

But Van wasn’t scary enough, and Tai would simply refuse to sit next to Jeff. Lottie would want to be next to Nat…

Misty could work though. She placed Misty’s name card next to Jeff’s on the table and smiled in satisfaction.

“Done with your very important and difficult work, Jax?” Shauna asked in amusement from where she was finishing up cooking the actual meal.

“Yes,” Jackie said seriously, “And pipe down with the sarcasm. Seating arrangements can make or break a gathering, Shipman.”

“You sound like your mother,” Shauna grimaced, but Jackie knew she meant it lightly because she scooped Jackie into a hug and swayed them around the table.

Jackie laughed in delight, dodging Shauna’s kisses, “No kisses for you until you take that back. You're on kisses-suspension, Shipman. Keep it up and you'll be expelled from kisses until further notice.”

“Sorry, Ms. Taylor,” Shauna groaned, “I take it back. And I’ll even add that your event organization skills are vital.”

Jackie hummed in satisfaction and allowed Shauna to kiss her once for good behavior.

Shauna glanced at the cards, “Jeff next to Misty… that’s pretty diabolical.”

“Maybe they’ll hit it off,” Jackie suggested, “I heard from Nat that Misty and Walter are on the rocks.”

“I still can’t believe you invited Misty,” Shauna shook her head, “She literally cut off your fingers. And your ear.” 

Jackie smacked her lightly on the shoulder, “Shauna Shipman, you be nice to Misty. And I’ll remind you that you said yourself that the fingers and ear had to be removed ‘cause they were necrosissed or whatever.”

“Yeah, they were necrosed, but I should have been the one to remove them,” Shauna grumbled.

“If you’re getting jealous over amputating my ear right now, I swear to god I’ll seat you next to Misty instead,” Jackie threatened, though she was secretly delighted by Shauna’s weird possessiveness.

“Really? What if I do this?” Shauna asked, and then proceeded to kiss and suck on Jackie’s bad ear. It was a totally unfair move, considering it was now known that the area was very sensitive for Jackie.

“You’re such a cheater,” Jackie complained, moaning embarrassingly. 

Shauna pulled back just to peck her on the lips, “And you’re cute.”

In retaliation, Jackie tangled her hands in her girlfriend’s hair in order to pull her face back toward hers and reconnect their lips. To her frustration, Shauna just smiled as Jackie tried to prod her mouth open with her tongue. God, Shauna was infuriating. She thought she was so unaffected, but she didn’t know that Jackie had a few tricks up her sleeve by now. 

She moved her head over Shauna’s shoulder and held on tight, “I love you, Shauna,” she gasped into Shauna’s ear, “I love you, I love you.”

Shauna suddenly grabbed Jackie’s waist and pushed her against the fridge, and Jackie could now see how her girlfriend’s smile had disappeared and her eyes had darkened. Jackie squirmed in excitement and smugness, knowing she would now get exactly what she wanted, but then the stupid, horrible, awful, evil doorbell rang at that exact moment.

Jackie groaned in agony as Shauna quickly went to answer the door. She cursed her past self for ever coming up with the Friendsgiving thing. 

Their guests arrived, bringing with them various food items for the meal. Tai and Van brought weird vegan dishes. Lottie brought some kind of soup. Nat brought the wine. Misty brought a pink cake that said ‘congratulations on the divorce’ in rainbow frosting (to Shauna’s annoyance). Jeff brought styrofoam cups and napkins (to Jackie’s annoyance). 

Jackie’s seating arrangements worked out nicely, and soon conversation and laughter flowed around the table. Jackie soaked it all in, thrilled to be surrounded by (albeit slightly untraditional and extremely traumatized) love and family. She even interrupted the group to do a fun little activity where they all went around the table and said one thing they were grateful for. Callie adorably said family. And Jackie almost fainted from delight when Shauna grumbled and answered ‘Jackie… I guess.’

Everything was perfect.

Then, Jackie blinked.

The moment was nothing special. She’d not been struck in the same place on her head as she initially was. She’d not been reminded of some key detail of her forgotten past. She’d not woken up. 

She’d simply blinked as she enjoyed a Thanksgiving meal with her friends and family.

And then, she remembered.

Chapter Text

EXT. - THE WILDERNESS -- NIGHT

JACKIE

What? What do I have to do?

SHAUNA

You tell me. You want to make it all stop, right?

JACKIE

I- I don’t know. I don’t understand what you mean.

SHAUNA

Don’t you? You’re the one holding the matches.

SHAUNA disappears as JACKIE throws a lit match into the fire pit, successfully lighting the dry branches she gathered earlier. The flames crackle to life, their heat almost painful in contrast to Jackie’s chilled bones. If she’s going to die, she wants to be warm this time. 

She takes a tentative step forward. Then another. Then the sneakers she put on this morning are in the flames. She tries to resist the instinct to withdraw her foot, but it’s impossible, and she finds herself hopping back and barely keeping her balance in the snow. 

Her mind taunts her with insults she can’t remember if Shauna said or she made up herself. Weak, pathetic, stupid. Tears sting her eyes, but she’s determined to be strong for once. To do something for herself. 

She clasps her heart necklace and closes her eyes. She wills Shauna to appear again, but she doesn’t. She glances at the cabin one last time, full right now with sleeping girls who themselves were full from a dead boy. Then she jumps. 

Where she expects to feel the burn of fire, instead she feels the sting of cold and a sharp pain. Disoriented, she sits up, clutching her now aching nose. She squints at the person now halfway on top of her. SHAUNA. But now she looks different. No longer wearing the dress and lipstick like she was earlier, instead in her usual filthy layers of flannels and coats. She’s also glaring instead of smiling. Jackie pushes the other girl off of her and flops back into the snow.

JACKIE

(voice nasally)

What the fuck, Shauna.

SHAUNA

 I could ask you the same question! Are you trying to get yourself fucking killed?

JACKIE

(groaning)

Duh. What kind of question is that? I thought you were supposed to be smart.

SHAUNA

(terrified)

Stop! Don’t say that!

JACKIE

What?

SHAUNA

You can’t die!

JACKIE

Why do you care?

SHAUNA

Because! Jackie, you’re still- Fuck, you’re still the best friend I’ve ever had. 

JACKIE

I was never your best friend.

SHAUNA

Even if that were true, this isn’t you.

JACKIE

Isn’t it? Seems pretty on theme with 'tragic' and 'peaking in high school' and all that.

SHAUNA

No. This isn’t the Jackie Taylor I remember.

JACKIE

(annoyed)

Leave me alone, Shauna.

SHAUNA

The Jackie I remember is hopeful and capable and fucking… bright.  

JACKIE

That’s not who I am any more. 

SHAUNA

Jackie, I-

Before Shauna can finish her sentence, NATALIE enters the clearing, stopping abruptly when she sees Jackie’s bloody and bruised nose and Shauna standing above her.

NATALIE

(rushing over)

What the fuck are you doing, Shauna?

SHAUNA

(holding her hands up in a gesture of innocence)

I didn’t do anything! She-

NATALIE

(pissed)

Did you fucking hit her? Jesus christ.

SHAUNA

No! She was trying to fucking kill herself!

NATALIE

(turns on Jackie)

Is that true!?

JACKIE

(rolling her eyes)

Yes! Can we stop with the dramatics now?

NATALIE

Oh, hell no. Congratulations, Taylor: you just bought yourself 24/7 suicide watch. 

SHAUNA

I can watch her.

NATALIE

That may be the stupidest plan I've ever heard.

As Natalie and Shauna bicker, Jackie considers what Shauna said. Is Jackie hopeful and capable and bright? Or is that just who she used to be? Can she ever be that again? 

As she looks into the dying fire, she feels it. A tiny spark. Maybe she wants to try to be Jackie Taylor again. Not Jackie Taylor, Wiskayok's perfect little princess. But a new Jackie. Someone strong and genuine. 

She stands up, ignoring Shauna's proffered hand. Instead she walks back to the cabin on her own two (admittedly fucked up) feet. 

Screaming, freezing, sleeping, slicing, starving, burning, crying.

Jackie's fork clattered onto her plate as she pushed her chair back abruptly. She stumbled to her feet, ignoring Shauna’s concerned glance.

“You good, Jackie?” Nat asked, looking up at her with a forkful of pink divorce cake halfway to her mouth.

Jackie plastered on a fake smile, “I’m awesome. Just. I think I left something in the bathroom?”

“What?” Shauna asked, sounding nervous as she rose from her chair.

Jackie began to back away, “Yep. Nothing to worry about! Um. One sec, guys.”

She quickly but shakily scrambled into the hall bathroom, far enough away from the others that she could breathe. She looked in the mirror blankly. She was wearing more makeup than she normally would, at least as an adult. She clutched her necklace nervously as someone started knocking at the door.

“Jackie? Let me in?” Shauna asked through the door.

Jackie numbly complied, twisting the lock so Shauna could enter. Shauna shut the door behind her.

Jackie just stared at Shauna, her former best friend, her former enemy, her former fake wife. Her current girlfriend? She desperately tried to reconcile all these different versions of Shauna with the one standing in front of her, but it was impossible. 

“What’s wrong?” Shauna asked softly, cupping her face, “Is your head hurting? I knew I should have stopped Misty from singing that song. I can tell everyone to leave-”

Jackie stepped back, causing Shauna’s hand to fall from her cheek, “I remember.”

“You… remember?” Shauna’s face fell, a look of terror replacing her former look of soft concern, “Everything?”

“Yes,” Jackie hugged herself and closed her eyes.

It was overwhelming. A part of her wanted Shauna’s hand back on her face. Another part of her never wanted Shauna to touch her again. Though she’d known intellectually pretty much everything about their past prior to regaining her memory thanks to Shauna's explanations, having experienced it was much different. The pain of Shauna’s betrayal, the trauma of their nineteen months in the wilderness, the exhaustion of having to build an entire new self from scratch after everything. It was all too much. 

“Where are you going?” Shauna grabbed her arm, roughly at first before she softened her grasp.

Jackie jerked her arm away, “Shauna, I’m sorry but I don’t… I- I don’t know what to do right now? Or what to think? It’s all so much. I think… I need some air.”

With that she burst back into the dining room, her eyes looking at everyone but not really taking them in. Everyone fell silent as Shauna followed behind her.

“Jackie,” she tried.

“What, Shauna?” Jackie snapped, heart pounding with the instinct to flee though she continued to stand frozen.

“Let’s just talk about this,” Shauna took a cautious step toward her, hands held up in a gesture of peace.

“No!” Jackie yelled, “I can’t- Just leave me alone!”

“Not this again,” someone muttered from the table.

Jackie suddenly realized the embarrassment of the situation. How humiliating, to be put in this position by Shauna in front of all of their friends (and this time in front of Callie ) not once but multiple times. Her face burned red as she prepared herself for Shauna’s inevitable outburst. 

But it didn’t come.

“Okay,” Shauna said, sounding reluctant but resigned, “Okay, c’mon Jax, what do you need?”

Jackie glanced back at her in surprise, but all she saw in Shauna’s eyes was worry and love.

“I-” Jackie looked around, feeling lost, her breath coming in short gasps, “I don’t know.”

Nat stood, “You look like you need a cigarette, Jack. Come with me?”

Jackie numbly followed her friend outside, looking back once to see Shauna. Her eyes shot daggers at the back of Nat’s head, but she clamped her mouth shut and crossed her arms tightly as if to hold herself back. The sight puzzled Jackie. Typically Shauna would have fought Nat for less.

Outside it was cold enough that Jackie could see her breath. She stuffed her hands into the pockets of her shirt. Fuck. It was actually one of Shauna’s flannels. Why did her mentally teenage self have to be such a sap?

“So what’s the matter?” Nat asked casually, her focus seemingly on pulling out two cigarettes from her pocket.

“Nat, I remember everything,” Jackie sighed, accepting one of the cigarettes, “What the fuck do I do now?”

“Fuck, dude, that sucks,” Nat hissed in sympathy, “You even remember the part where you jumped out of my car and ran through the rain in your pajamas?”

“Yes, I remember that,” Jackie replied, gritting her teeth in annoyance at both Natalie and her idiot younger self.

Nat went on, “How about back in the wilderness when you cried in my hut for three weeks and hid under a blanket singing Cher songs when you found out Shauna kissed that one JV girl?”

Jackie shoved Nat hard enough for her to almost fall into Shauna’s hydrangeas, “What the fuck, Nat. I am going through an ordeal here. Do you look at me being literally tortured and think, ‘ya know what would help this situation? Kicking her while she’s down!’”

“Hey, now,” Nat protested, “I am owed the right to make fun of you as much as I want. I was there for three weeks of crying and Cher.”

Jackie looked at her, unimpressed.

“Okay, I’ll be serious,” Nat held her hands up in surrender, “I’ve been to therapy now, I can offer comfort and advice or whatever. Sure, the therapy was provided in the setting of either rehab facilities or a cult run by Lottie Matthews, but you can’t argue with these results. Look how level-headed and supportive I’m being right now, de-escalating conflict and shit.”

Jackie squinted at her friend, who was inexplicably wearing a cozy-looking sweater to match the theme of Friendsgiving instead of her usual punk attire, “This isn’t the result of therapy. You’ve just been having good sex.”

Nat blushed, “Shut the fuck up. This is about you right now, Jackie. So spill.”

“I don’t know,” Jackie sighed, dramatically waving her cigarette around, “It’s just so much, Nat. I’ve been so happy the last few weeks with Shauna. I think I’m happier than I’ve ever been. But now I also remember how much she hurt me. And since I have my fully developed frontal lobe again, I’m realizing maybe getting back together with the woman who was involved in one of the most traumatic moments of my life wasn’t the best idea? But I also have Shauna to think about. I basically just home-wrecked her entire situation! Not to mention Callie, like, what will she think if I break up with Shauna now?”

“Ignoring your really loose understanding of brain development, and also the fact that you didn’t ‘get back together’ with Shauna because, as I seem to constantly have to remind you, the two of you never actually dated before now,” Nat began, “What do you want to do? Because Satan is a big girl, she can take care of herself. And the spawn of Satan actually seems pretty chill when she doesn’t have a gun, so I’m sure she would be understanding regardless of what you end up doing.”

Jackie took a long drag from her cigarette and closed her eyes, “I don’t know, Nat. After our fight back then, I was so weak and scared. I hated myself so much. Like, both my real self and the self I presented to people. And after I tried to walk into the fire pit… I worked so hard to be as strong as I am now. I don’t want to go back to being that weak and scared girl that I was after the fight.” 

“You were scared, but you weren't weak,” Nat replied, “And I guess now it’s different. You have people outside of Shauna. You know we wouldn’t let you get that scared again.”

“You did lie to me about being married to Shauna,” Jackie said, raising an eyebrow, “And you also participated in the clinically insane hunting scenario that led to me falling off a cliff. Thanks for that, by the way.”

“I am sorry about that,” Nat cringed, “But the first thing was your girlfriend’s sociopathic idea. I simply didn’t know how to stop her. And the hunting thing was unintentional. I wasn't going to actually hurt you.”

“Could’ve fooled me,” Jackie sniffed.

“C’mon, Taylor,” Nat gently punched her shoulder, “I’m sorry. We were trying to pacify Lottie. We just got a little carried away.”

“Okay, I forgive you,” Jackie relented, leaning her shoulder against Nat’s, “But only if you agree to watch every rom-com I suggest for the rest of our lives.”

“Fair enough,” Nat agreed glumly, “Now what’s the game plan for your girl?”

Jackie sighed and looked up at the sky. It looked gray and thick like it might snow later. She ached with longing to be curled up with Shauna and a hot chocolate when it did. 

She thought of how hard Shauna had been trying the past few weeks to be a good girlfriend. She thought of all the apologies Shauna had whispered to her as she warmed her up after Jackie had been out in the rain. Twenty-five years ago, apologies and warmth were all she wanted from Shauna. All she wanted in general, even. Maybe that was still true.

“I know it’s so stupid, but I really want Shauna,” she answered, looking at Nat almost guiltily.

“It’s a little stupid,” Nat allowed, “But isn’t love stupid?” 

Jackie grinned, “Nat, since when did you start sounding like a rom-com protagonist?” 

“Shut up, dork,” Nat grumbled.

“God, you’re such a Patrick Verona,” Jackie teased gleefully.

“I don’t even know who the fuck that is,” Nat said, like a liar.

“Don’t even try with me. I’ve made you watch that movie forty times,” Jackie replied.

“Yeah, yeah,” Nat waved her off, “Keep teasing me, Taylor. Next time your ass is running around in the pouring rain don’t expect me to come save you.”

Jackie hugged Nat (who just stood there stiffly, as usual), “Thanks for that, by the way. And sorry concussed Jackie tried to steal your car and then slut-shamed you and Lottie.”

“It’s fine,” Nat said, patting Jackie’s head, “I’d probably do the same thing if the love of my life was Shauna Shipman.”

Jackie glared, “Laugh it up, Scatorccio. As if your girlfriend is any more sane than mine.”

Natalie glared back, “You’re an asshole. But for what it’s worth, I’m glad your memory came back. I like concussed Jackie, but I missed regular Jackie.”

“Me too, Nat,” Jackie released Nat and clapped her hands together, “Okay, I can do this. I can do this. We’ll just take it slow, right? Oh God, Nat. Am I really doing this?”

“It’s not too late to make a run for it,” Nat pointed out.

Jackie ignored her, “I’m strong, I’m capable, I’m not scared,” she repeated to herself, smoothing her hair down and straightening the collar of her flannel.

Natalie ruffled her hair right before they stepped through the door, “Blink if you need help, Taylor.”

Shauna was glaring at the potatoes on her plate as Lottie tried unsuccessfully to engage her attention on her latest spiritual journey. Callie was the first to look up and smile encouragingly at Jackie. She made her way back to her seat at Shauna’s side, ignoring Jeff’s stupid, confused look and the other women’s questioning ones. Instead she focused on Shauna’s eyes—those deep brown eyes that had seemed to follow Jackie all her life, the expression within them ever-incomprehensible. Jackie had once thought the look was one of love, then she had deemed it hatred. Now she knew she had been right the first time, except she’d been unaware of how messy and complicated and painful love could be. 

Jackie cleared her throat and looked up at her friends (and Jeff) around the table, “I’m okay,” she reassured them, giving a thumbs up for emphasis. 

Apparently it was enough for everyone, as they all resumed their meals and conversations, except Shauna. 

“Jackie,” Shauna whispered, “You okay?” 

“All good,” Jackie replied, smiling, albeit only a little.

Shauna looked around the table and then abruptly grabbed Jackie’s hand, “Come with me.”

Before Jackie could protest, Shauna was dragging her away from the table. Jackie made eye contact with Nat, who blinked exaggeratedly and tilted her head in a manner that was somehow sarcastic. Jackie purposefully widened her eyes and shook her head without blinking, so Nat would know she didn’t need rescuing. Shauna seemed to have missed this silent conversation and continued to pull Jackie through the kitchen and into their bedroom. 

“Seriously, Jax, are you okay?” Shauna asked, holding both of Jackie’s hands in her own, which were trembling.

“It’s a lot,” Jackie admitted with a sigh, “But… I think I’ll be alright.”

“Are you…” Shauna trailed off, eyes watery, “Are you going to stay? With me?”

As previously stated, Jackie couldn’t withstand the puppy eyes.

“Yes,” she promised, “I’m going to try.”

Shauna hugged her tight then, burying her face in Jackie’s shoulder and breathing deeply.

“But I’m still mad at you,” Jackie said half-heartedly, hugging Shauna back, “And if you weren’t my literal soulmate I would dump your ass so quickly. Lying about a whole marriage is crazy behavior. And what was with that fight? Like, ‘no one cares about you’? Shauna Shipman, you know perfectly well that’s a lie.”

“I know,” Shauna replied guiltily into Jackie’s hair, “I’m sorry, baby.”

“In fact,” Jackie began mischievously, “I have several ex-girlfriends who would probably fight you for that statement and my hand.”

Shauna leaned back and glared, eyes dark, “No.”

“No?” Jackie raised an eyebrow.

Shauna shook her head, “I’ll kill them.”

Jackie groaned, placing her own cold hands over her now warm cheeks, “You’re lucky you’re so hot when you’re jealous. Otherwise that would be such a red flag.”

Shauna smirked evilly at that. 

Jackie closed her eyes, “Stop that, Shipman. You know I can’t resist when you make that face.”

“Actually, I didn’t know that, but now that I do, I will be taking full advantage of it,” Shauna said, sounding way too happy about it.

“When I open my eyes, you better have that look wiped off your face,” Jackie whined, eyes still closed.

“No,” Shauna replied stubbornly.

Jackie opened her eyes to glare, “Then I guess I’ll have to do it myself.”

She leaned in and kissed her girlfriend. She had meant it to be harsh and sexy, but Shauna surprised her by gentling the kiss into something sweet.

“I love you so much,” Shauna whispered into her mouth between kisses.

“I love you, too,” Jackie replied weakly, tears filling her eyes. 

Their kisses slowed down, and soon they were just holding each other. Jackie rested her head against Shauna’s shoulder and swayed with her, feeling utterly safe and protected.

“Ready to go back in there?” Jackie asked gently.

“Can’t they just leave now?” Shauna whined.

“Nope, sorry Shipman,” Jackie said unapologetically, “No cutting my Friendsgiving short.”

“You’re lucky you’re too pretty to say no to,” Shauna sighed, leading Jackie by the hand back into the kitchen with their friends. 

As they took their seats, Jackie observed everyone. Callie smiled at her hopefully. Jeff glumly picked at his slice of divorce cake. The Yellowjackets argued heatedly about whether they should have a Christmas get-together as well. Shauna placed a slice of cake on Jackie’s plate, interjecting that she strongly opposed Misty’s idea of playing ‘Dirty Santa.’

It all reminded Jackie of life before things got complicated, before plane crashes and pregnancies. When Jackie and Shauna were simply Jackie-and-Shauna, their love for each other pure and simple. Before Shauna learned to resent their love, and Jackie learned to fear it. When Jackie knew exactly who she was: Shauna Shipman’s best friend. 

And though now many other titles had been added to Jackie’s identity: former team captain, plane crash survivor, teacher, coach, fake-wife, girlfriend, step mom(?); she now remembered the most important of all was that first title. 

She was Shauna Shipman’s best friend. Maybe she always had been.