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"If I don't finish this project, Blake, I will kill you!" Clarke shouted while banging the broom against the ceiling. Clarke heard the hushed sounds of Bellamy Blake and his girlfriend, Gina, as they turned the music down. Clarke had only lived in the apartment below Bellamy for three months, but she knew that at least twice a week she could count on them playing this same song and dancing. The romantic in Clarke knew it was cute, that they made it a point to dance to “their” song all the time, but the pre med college senior with a major in art thought it was fucking irritating. They were disgustingly cute together, with their multiple date nights in a week and apparent inability to be separated for more than one day.
Clarke wasn't always so loud in her pleas for peace and quiet; she would normally send a quick text to Bellamy, but she had deadlines to meet and no patience to give. She heard the sound of a table scraping across the floor and knew that that meant they were done dancing for the night. Clarke let out a sigh of relief. Now, if this painting could just paint itself, Clarke could get some sleep for the first time in two days. Clarke's phone buzzed.
Don't worry, Griffin, we're going to bed.
Well, shit. As if on cue, Clarke heard the squeaking of the bed above her and silently cursed Bellamy's younger sister, Octavia, for telling her about this apartment in the first place. He was being extra loud that night (not that Clarke intentionally listened to her neighbor having sex, it's just hard not to notice), and Clarke knew he was doing it to piss her off. Turning on her own music, Clarke tried to focus on her painting, making sure she used the proper strokes with her brush to create the sweeping effect she wanted with the water.
At four o'clock in the morning, Clarke finally put her brush down and assessed her project. It looked fairly good to her, but she was running on about thirty cups of coffee at this point, so it's highly possible she was just seeing what she wanted. She grabbed her phone and sent a quick message to Octavia.
Your brother is infuriating. I hate you.
Clarke didn't expect a reply because of the time, but Octavia must have been out late because not five minutes later Clarke's phone buzzed again.
You could never hate me <3
Clarke smiled and lay down in her bed, letting the tiredness wash over her and put her to sleep.
"Hold the elevator!" Clarke rushed down the hall with her coffee in one hand and her painting in the other. A large, dark hand shot out to keep the elevator doors open. "Thanks," Clarke huffed, finally getting a chance to catch her breath after waking up late.
"Get a good night's rest?" It was Bellamy. Of course it was Bellamy, because why would the world start giving Clarke a break now?
"Asshole." All she got out of him was a smirk, which pissed her off even more. "Do you realize that other people have life and school and assignments and projects and work and that the world doesn't revolve around you? And doesn't Gina have her own apartment? Ever thought about spending time there and letting your neighbors have a break from the constant noise?"
The elevator door opened up on the ground floor and she walked out with Bellamy following behind. Their apartment building wasn't far from campus, so both Clarke and Bellamy walked, just not usually together. Bellamy was a teacher's assistant while he worked toward earning a Ph.D. in history.
"You're the only one who's ever complained about the noise, so," he trailed off.
"Because I'm the only one who's under you."
"Actually—" Bellamy started before Clarke realized where he was going.
"Ugh, please don't," she cut him off, "I hear enough of your sex life without you talking about it." This made Bellamy let out a deep chuckle.
"You're just jealous that you aren't getting laid," he nudged her, causing her coffee to slosh around and spill. "Oh, shit. Sorry."
Clarke was already late so she dodged his attempts to wipe the coffee off her arm and stormed ahead. She shouted a quick "I gotta go," before turning in the direction of the art building, while Bellamy continued heading straight.
"I swear one day I'm going to make a hole in the ceiling, your brother frustrates me so much." Clarke was at Grounders, the best coffee shop on campus and also where Octavia worked, where her friends usually met up on Wednesdays.
"But then you wouldn't get your deposit back, and that sucks more." Raven added as she walked up to the table and threw her backpack on the floor. Raven Reyes was Clarke's best friend. They met their freshman year at university as roommates, and then shared a room up through junior year. This year Raven had decided she wanted to be a Resident Adviser for the dorm, which came with a single room, so Clarke found an apartment. Clarke actually blames Raven along with Octavia for the whole apartment debacle because if she hadn't chosen to be an RA, then Clarke wouldn't have had to move out. And if Raven hadn't introduced Clarke to Octavia, Octavia would have never mentioned the open apartment beneath her brother's. But Clarke would never regret meeting Octavia because with Octavia came a whole little family, also known as Monty, Miller, and Jasper. Octavia, Monty, and Jasper were two years younger than the rest, but Nathan Miller was in Clarke and Raven's class. They were a tight-knit group, and Clarke wouldn't have it any other way.
"True." Clarke sipped her black coffee.
"Clarke, as always, you know I love hearing you complain about my brother, but," Octavia looked at her phone, "my break's over." She stood up and put her Grounders hat back on. "Love ya, babe, but Indra will kill me if I'm late." She kissed Clarke on the cheek and returned to the back of the coffee shop, leaving just Raven and Clarke at the table.
"Hey," Raven said, grabbing Clarke's phone out of her hands, "Don't you have to be at the art supply store, like, now?"
"No; Lincoln wanted the night off so he gave me the closing shift." Lincoln was Clarke's boss and also Octavia's boyfriend. Clarke was actually the one who introduced them, which gave her major brownie points as an employee. Closing shifts were always Clarke's favorite because there was a small studio in the back that Lincoln let her use, and when she closed the store she could lock up and have the whole place to herself. "That gives me about four hours."
"Good, because it's my turn to complain now. Alright so you remember that guy I told you about? The one in my thermal design class?" Clarke nodded, sighing internally because she knew what was coming. "Well today he had the balls—the audacity," she stressed the word by leaning in closer, "to say that he was better than me! Can you believe that?"
Clarke shook her head and downed the rest of the black liquid in her cup.
"So, obviously, I challenged him. And won, because what else would you expect?" Raven asked rhetorically. "The baby got all butthurt when I called him a loser and told the professor on me. A twenty-one year old college student went crying to the professor and got me kicked out of class because I beat him. Ugh, I'm so over the whole male species." She honestly looked disgusted.
Clarke couldn't help but laugh because her friend was a force to be reckoned with. At Ark University, Raven was first at everything. No question. To think there was anybody still willing to challenge her and then be upset when they lost, well, they deserved it. Clarke loved it though, especially when it involved beating a dick with a superiority complex. The difference between them and Raven was that Raven didn't think she was better than everyone else, she just was.
"Anyway," Raven added, "This was fun. I better get back there with Octavia before my shift starts so I can share it with her." She stood up and hugged Clarke. "Have fun at the studio! And tell the other Blake that if he doesn't let you sleep, I'll kick his ass." Raven smiled as she said it, but Clarke knew her well enough to know that she meant it.
"Thanks, babe." Clarke stuffed her notebook into her bag and went off to work.
Walking into her apartment building that night, Clarke ran into Gina who was going up to Bellamy's place.
"Hey, Clarke."
"Oh, hey. How are you?" Clarke was always a little awkward when talking to Gina, just because they hardly knew each other.
"I'm good. Sorry if we made it hard for you to do your project last night. If it helps, Bellamy said your painting looked incredible," Gina replied, unsure of herself.
"He said that?" Clarke had a hard time believing Bellamy would say anything kind about her or her artwork.
"Absolutely." They made it to the elevator and got inside. As Gina pressed the buttons for the second and third floor, Clarke thought of what to say next.
"Tell him I said thanks." Clarke smiled at her.
"Sure thing." Gina replied, right before the doors opened on Clarke's floor. Clarke always got this warm feeling when she was around Gina, and she wished they were better friends. There was something so...comforting about her presence.
As Clarke lay in bed that night, all she heard was quiet laughter from above and that same love song playing, and Clarke found herself smiling as she fell asleep. Just because she had had a bad experience with love didn't mean others shouldn't enjoy it. A tear silently slipped from Clarke's eye, but she wiped it away before it could hit the pillow.
"This is ridiculous," Miller commented, as he and the rest of their gang sat crowded around Clarke's television. Clarke, Raven, Octavia, Jasper, Monty, and Miller were having their usual weekend get-together, and it was Jasper's choice to choose what they did. Naturally, he picked that they marathon The Bachelor. "Why the hell would he give a rose to Sonya and send home Emma? Emma was the whole package. Sonya would just be a trophy wife."
"Boo!" Jasper yelled, throwing popcorn at Miller’s head. Monty stretched his neck out from beside Miller and managed to catch a few in his mouth. "I'm rooting for Sonya."
"Well I don't care who wins as long as it isn't Marissa. She's a backstabbing bitch and I can't believe Chris hasn't noticed yet," Octavia added while simultaneously stuffing popcorn in her mouth. Her phone rang and she groaned, "It's Bell. This'll just take a sec." She hopped off the couch and stepped between the boys until she was far away enough from the television to hear.
Clarke and Raven stretched out to either end of the couch, and Clarke said, "I'm with you, Miller. Emma was so much better than Sonya." He put his hand up without turning around and she high-fived it.
"Well I'm team 'all-of-these-girls-could-do-better-than-that-douche'," Raven added.
"Same," Monty said. "He isn't even that attractive," he immediately blushed and ducked his head before clearing his throat. "Guess you're all alone Jasper."
"You all suck and I'll remember this." He tossed popcorn up in the air and tried to catch it in his mouth but failed and hit his eye. "Son of a b—"
"Guys." Octavia didn't yell it, but there was a seriousness that stilled the room and turned all heads toward her. Jasper muted the television. "There was a fire at Gina's apartment," she paused to steady her herself and she blinked rapidly to keep the tears in her eyes from spilling over, "Bellamy's in the hospital for smoke inhalation and Gina...Gina didn't make it." She couldn't hold it in any longer and a sob came out and everything next happened in a rush. All of a sudden they were hugging Octavia and each other and then they were packed into two cars and then at the hospital and Clarke hadn't even had a chance to process anything.
She heard Octavia from the passenger seat sharing the details as best she could. They don't know how it started, but it reached the third floor of the building. They found Bellamy unconscious from the smoke, but got him to the hospital in time. They weren't able to pull Gina out. The only thing running through Clarke's head was Bellamy is in the hospital. Gina is dead. Bellamy is in the hospital. Gina is dead. Bellamy is in the hospital. Gina is dead. But Clarke just saw Gina. They talked a few days ago. She can't just be gone. She was the sweetest person Clarke had ever met, and now she's dead. Why? She thought of Bellamy in the hospital and what would happen if—not if, when —he woke up. His girlfriend is dead. Who is going to tell him? How do you break that to someone lightly? Images flash in Clarke's mind of girl with brown hair and green eyes smiling one second and then expressionless the next. A gunshot roars through her ears and she's back in the truck again, blood spattered on her shirt and face. She can't breathe, but she's alive. She is alive. Clarke is alive. Lexa is not. Lexa is dead. Lexa is dead. Clarke is eighteen again and sitting in the truck and nothing makes sense because Lexa is dead. She was just alive. They were just talking. How is she gone? Lexa is dead. No, Gina is dead. Clarke is not eighteen anymore, she's twenty-one. Bellamy's in the truck. No, Lexa is in the truck. Bellamy is in the hospital. Bellamy is in the hospital. Gina is dead. Gina is dead. Gina is dead. Gina is dead. Clarke is not.
Once Clarke regained her focus, she mentally scolded herself. She should be strong for Octavia; Bellamy was her only family. Bellamy's father left before Bellamy could walk, and Octavia's father left before she was even born. Then their mom left them after years of emotional abuse. Everyone left Octavia, except for Bellamy. He was her family, and he was in the hospital.
They arrived at the hospital and were directed to the emergency room only to find Bellamy yelling at a nurse to let him go look for Gina. "I don't give a damn about your antibiotics; I need to find Gina."
"Sir, without these antibiotics the bacteria in your lungs may cause an infection. Please just sit down; you inhaled an extreme amount of smoke and you need time to rest." The nurse attempted to calm him down.
"Bell!" Octavia ran to her older brother and threw herself into his arms, careful not to squeeze too hard. "I'm so glad you're okay."
Bellamy wrapped his arms around her and closed his eyes, and for a minute he seemed to forget everything going on around him. The Blake siblings were alive and together and that was enough—until it wasn't. "O, do you know where Gina is?"
At this time the whole gang was around Bellamy, and their eyes were all on Octavia. Her lip quivered and she shook her head and said, "She didn't make it, Bell." Clarke's heart broke all over again. "I'm so sorry," Octavia repeated as she fell into Bellamy's chest again. He stroked her hair and she hugged him tighter, but Clarke could not see Bellamy in his eyes, just a vacancy she had noticed one too many times in the mirror looking back at her. A tear fell from Clarke's eye, but she wiped it before anyone had a chance to see it.
The rest of the night was filled with paperwork for the hospital and questioning from the police and Bellamy calling Gina's parents. Clarke and Raven stayed with the Blakes to help them, but Monty, Miller, and Jasper went home. There was nothing more they could do.
Lying in bed that night, Clarke heard only silence from above her, and she dreamt of the sound of a table being pushed aside and a record player playing a slow song, of hushed tones and laughter that could not be suppressed. She dreamt of Gina's smiling face as the elevator door closed, and then Lexa's face when they opened again, and now it was Clarke and Lexa slow dancing in the middle of the living room, goofy grins on their faces. Clarke laid her head on Lexa's shoulder, but when she lifted it, it was Bellamy she was dancing with. She stepped back and then Bellamy became Gina and Gina became Lexa and Clarke felt like she was suffocating. She awoke with a scream.
The silence at night was deafening to Clarke, and one day turned to one week which turned to three months. She never saw Bellamy anymore; he left for Ark U before Clarke woke up, and came home long after Clarke fell asleep most nights. She wanted to talk to him, but Octavia told Clarke he needed time. Clarke did not stop to tell Octavia that she knew exactly what Bellamy was going through; Clarke never told anyone. She moved to Arkadia when she was eighteen, after everything happened with Lexa, and tried to leave that part of her life in the past.
"Clarke? Are you listening?" Raven snapped her fingers in front of Clarke's face a few times.
"Huh? Oh, yeah, horses," Clarke mumbled, picking her pencil back up and continuing on with the notes she was taking.
"You could at least pretend to be enthused, Clarke," Octavia crumpled up a straw wrapper and threw it at Clarke's head; it bounced off and landed in her coffee. "It wasn't me." Octavia put her hands up in defense.
"First," Raven said, "it was very clearly you. And second, what the fuck is wrong with all of you? It's a Friday night and we're sitting in an empty coffee shop talking about horses." Raven was always the blunt one in their group.
"We're talking about riding horses, big difference," Jasper interjected. Clarke really did not think that putting Jasper on top of a six-foot-tall animal was a good idea, but it was Octavia's turn to decide what they did.
"I don't think we should do it," Miller said, "I have a bad track record with horses. I tend to lose them."
Monty nudged him, "More like they lose you ." Monty smiled and a flush crept across Miller's face.
Clarke had noticed something between the two of them, a deeper connection, maybe a spark, and it always warmed her heart when she saw them next to each other. Even in this fucked up world, some things could be pure.
"Is it just going to be us six?" Clarke asked as she tried to fish the straw wrapper out of her coffee without burning her fingers.
"Yeah," Octavia answered before clearing her throat. "I invited Bellamy again but...you know."
"Okay!" Raven jumped up out of the chair and grabbed her purse. "Now that we figured that out, let's go do something kids our age should be doing. Like drinking or smoking or having sex... anything that isn't here."
"What a nice role model you are, Raven, for our younger friends," Clarke said, scooting Jasper out of the booth so she could follow.
Raven flipped her hair and smiled, "Thanks, I try."
They could not agree on a place to go, so they went their separate ways.
It was almost midnight when Clarke finally reached her apartment, and she was so looking forward to climbing into bed and passing out, but as she took off her coat she heard a familiar song drifting through the ceiling. She forgot for a moment that Gina was not there, and tears flooded her eyes, threatening to spill but never following through. She could imagine Bellamy sitting alone in his apartment, all the lights off while his record player sang those lines that had filled his heart with love and joy at one time, those lines that now reminded him of how cracked and broken his heart is now. Come with me, my love, to the sea—the sea of love. I want to tell you how much I love you.
In that moment, Clarke could not stand it anymore. She had to talk to Bellamy, or at least let him know that she was there if he needed her. She quickly changed into her pajamas so she could be comfortable, slipped on a pair of flip flops, and headed upstairs.
The closer she was to the door, the louder the music became. It was like a siren's song luring in a sailor; Clarke couldn't stop herself. Come with me, my love, to the sea—the sea of love. I want to tell you how much I love you.
Clarke lightly tapped her knuckles against the black door, but received no answer. She knocked louder, but still got nothing. The record on the record player ended and all that was left was the static of a disk left under a needle when it had given all it had to give.
"Bellamy, I know you're in there. It's Clarke."
"I'm not opening the door." His voice sounded hoarse, like he had been drinking or just hadn't talked in awhile.
"Fine," Clarke said. She slumped down against the door and leaned her head back. "I'm just going to sit out here."
She closed her eyes and could hear Bellamy's breathing on the other side, and they remained there for what was probably minutes but felt like hours.
"Don't do anything stupidly heroic," Bellamy finally said.
"What?"
He repeated himself. "That was what Gina yelled to me when the fire was surrounding her. She knew I was going to try to save her, and she told me 'Don't do anything stupidly heroic'. That's the last fucking thing she said to me before I passed out. I had the chance to save her and I fucking passed out. She would be alive if I had just acted faster." She could hear the self hatred in his clipped words.
Clarke couldn't believe that he was actually opening up to her. Over the past month, he had been completely stoic. One might think he wasn't even affected by Gina's passing if they didn't know him, but Clarke did know him. He felt everything so deeply, which meant that his being stoic was an act to keep himself from falling apart. Clarke wasn't sure if getting him to talk about it would actually make him crumble instead of help him heal.
"Bellamy Blake, don't you fucking dare play the blame game. You know damn well there was nothing you could have done to save her, and you had no control over passing out. You don't have a time machine, so thinking about all the things you'd do differently if you could do it over again is a game you'll never win. Trust me." Clarke knew exactly what Bellamy was doing in his head right now because she still sometimes did it. If we hadn't been sitting in the truck...if I hadn't told her I didn't want to go inside...if I had offered to drive...
"Yeah, and why would I trust you?" His voice wasn't harsh when he asked this; it was pleading. He wanted nothing more than to have someone there who could offer him real advice, but wouldn't patronize him.
Clarke didn't answer immediately; she tried to formulate a response in her mind. She had never told anyone about Lexa, so she didn't know the words to use. The whole scene replayed in her mind but she could never make sense of it. Another tear slid down her cheek, but she swiped it away. She took one more deep breath before saying, in the quietest voice she had ever used, "Her name was Lexa."
There was a shuffling from Bellamy's side of the door and Clarke thought he didn't want to hear what she was going to say, but suddenly the door was pulled open and Clarke jerked forward to avoid falling backwards.
"You wanna come inside?" He had turned the light on.
"Are you going to make me sit on the floor?" Clarke laughed lightly and saw the smallest tug at Bellamy's lips.
"I think I'll let you sit on the couch, but only if you let me turn the light back off."
"Deal." He opened the door wider and she went in. As he walked toward the light switch, Clarke took in the apartment. The first thing she saw was the record player, which Bellamy made quick work of turning off and putting the record up. Then she saw the coffee table, and her dream from that first night ripped through her mind again. She could see Bellamy pushing the table out of the way and then he was dancing with Gina and then Clarke was dancing with Lexa and then Lexa was Bellamy and then Gina and then Lexa and—Bellamy turned the light off.
Clarke slid her flip flops off and curled up on one side of the couch, Bellamy grabbed a blanket and sat at the other end, spreading the blanket over both of them. They sat in silence for a moment until Clarke was ready to talk.
"Her name was Lexa," she began again. "We were in love, or at least what eighteen-year-old me considered love. I had dated someone before, but I never really felt that way about him. Lexa—she was the first person I really connected with. Anyway, it was the Halloween of my senior year of high school, so of course there was a party. Neither of us was all that thrilled about it, but we figured it was our last high school Halloween party, so we said 'Why the hell not?'" Clarke paused to prepare herself; she didn't want her voice to shake. "We got there and it was just so crowded . I asked Lexa if we could just sit outside for a bit, so we waited in her truck. We were talking about—I can't even remember what we were talking about. But one second she was looking at me with her bright green eyes, smiling, and then a gunshot came through the window. It was some guy who was pissed with another guy at the party, and he was trying to shoot him while driving by, but he missed. And it went right into Lexa. I can't really remember what happened after that. There was lots of screaming and then there were ambulances and a body bag. Every time I close my eyes, I see her face right before and after the shot."
Clarke hadn't noticed when she started crying, but it was silent and she was sitting there in the dark with someone who was hurting just as much as her, so this time she didn't bother wiping her tears.
"Fuck." That was all Bellamy said, but she felt his warm hand find hers and hold it tight. She didn't pull away.
"Yeah." It was nice to share her fucked up story with someone else. She felt slightly less burdened.
"How are you so...normal?" He asked, and Clarke knew that "normal" wasn't exactly what he meant, but it was the closest thing.
"You move through it. I won't say you move on, because it's not something you can just leave in the past, but you learn that it's a part of your life and...and you're still alive, so you have to live. You have to live with it. And it isn't fucking fair, but we can't change it." Clarke wasn’t sure if she was trying to convince Bellamy or herself.
"You have a lot of wisdom for someone so young, Clarke Griffin."
"Oh please, you're barely older than me." This earned a laugh from Bellamy, but then he quickly pulled his hand away from Clarke's. The silence that followed was louder than his laugh had been.
"That song," he started, "the one we always played, was 'Sea of Love' by Cat Power. It was her favorite song, and I bought it for her on vinyl. She insisted I play almost every time she came over, and she loved dancing to it." He smiled wistfully
Clarke thought about saying something, but she knew right now he just needed to talk.
Through his shaky breaths he continued talking, "We talked about getting married. I hadn't proposed or anything, because we had only been together six months, but I could see us spending the rest of our lives together.
Gina was real. She always saw the light. She deserved better." Clarke heard his voice crack and then he was crying, and Clarke knew that Bellamy would be okay. Once you were willing to let go, willing to feel everything you had been pushing down, that was when you could start to heal. Until that point, you aren't really healing; there's this limbo that you're stuck in. You aren't really living either, you’re just going through the motions.
Clarke hugged Bellamy and he held tight as they let their walls come crashing down, trusting each other with their deepest secret—it hurts. She didn't know how long they were crying, only that they weren't holding anything back. And for the first time in years, Clarke didn't feel alone.
Sun poured in through the open curtains and covered Clarke in a warm, golden embrace. She was still in Bellamy's apartment, but as some point he had moved her to his bed and gone to sleep on the couch. Clarke was confused as she woke up in an unfamiliar room, but as her memories from the night before became clear in her mind, she recognized the smell of the pillow. Bellamy had always had a sort of earthy smell that Clarke was oddly drawn too, and being surrounded by it made Clarke feel as if she were in a forest surrounded by tall trees and fresh, crisp air. She closed her eyes to take it in, but an image of Gina in the bed beside her made her jump up. This was wrong. She shouldn't be here.
Grabbing her phone, Clarke noticed she had two missed calls from Octavia and Raven, and a text from Octavia.
Idk where you are but you better be meeting us @ 10
Clarke had forgotten all about the horse riding. She looked at the clock which read 9:27 AM, and she leapt out of bed. Running through the living room she noticed Bellamy on the couch, feet hanging over the edge because he was so tall. The couch would have been the perfect size for Clarke, but he let her have his entire bed. Sometimes Bellamy surprised Clarke. She stared at his freckled face a moment too long, because opened one eye and grumbled, "Quit drooling."
She snapped her head away and looked for her shoes, "You're the one who's drooling, loser." This made him wipe his mouth and she laughed.
"Where are you going so early on a Saturday?" He sat up on the couch and the blanket fell to the floor. With a yawn he stretched his arms over his head, and Clarke couldn't help but notice the sliver of skin he revealed that showed off his well-defined "v". Maybe she was drooling now.
"Horseback riding with O and the gang. You sure you don't wanna come?"
Bellamy stood and walked to the kitchen, grabbing two mugs from the cupboard and pouring coffee. "No; I, uh, have some grading to get done for the professor." It was an obvious lie that suggested Clarke should drop the subject, but that wasn't like Clarke at all.
"It would really mean a lot to Octavia. You've been so busy with work and school lately; she really misses you."
He ran a hand down his face and then handed Clarke her coffee. Either Bellamy knew she liked it black or he just didn't give a shit. "Fuck it. I'll go."
"Cool. Well, we have to leave in like five minutes so get dressed quick and meet me downstairs. You can drive." She opened the door and added, "Oh and I'm taking your mug. I'll give it back later!" And with that, she shut the door behind her.
It felt strange being in the car for so long with Bellamy, even if it had only been a half hour trip. They talked about work (Remind me, why do I want to be a history professor one day? People are irritating) and school (I stood in front of my class with a painting I worked a fucking month on and some guy kept talking about how the message wasn't clear or some bullshit like that.) They didn't talk about the previous night.
"Bellamy!" Octavia came running towards them as they approached the stables. She turned to Clarke after hugging Bellamy, "How'd you get him to come?"
"That's what she said!" Jasper yelled from behind them, laughing at his own ridiculous joke.
Clarke gave him her best 'mom' glare before answering Octavia. "It wasn't that hard—"
"That's what she said!" Jasper interrupted, yet again. Monty high-fived him and Bellamy flicked them both in the head. Jasper and Monty were like Bellamy's annoying little brothers, so he treated them as such.
"She said that Raven would kick my ass if I didn't," Bellamy finally finished for Clarke.
"Damn straight," Raven said from beside a large, dark brown horse. "Now that Mom and Dad have arrived, can we please start riding?" She was impatient, as usual.
"Actually," Octavia drew out, "I didn't know Bell was coming, so I only got permission to take six horses." Octavia had gone to this equestrian camp every summer since she was seven, and became a camp counselor when she was seventeen. Everybody there knew Octavia and loved her, and they would let her take the horses out whenever she asked. But she had to ask. "Two people have to share."
Without meaning to, Clarke's eyes slid to where Bellamy was standing and she saw that he was already looking at her. She was about to speak when Jasper's voice cut through the silence, "Miller and Monty will!"
Everyone turned to the two boys, and Monty's cheeks turned a bright red while Miller ducked his head and coughed. Neither objected.
"Good. It's settled. Let's go." Raven was already walking the horse she chose out of its stall. The rest of them scrambled to find their favorite horse, and they were on there way.
Octavia laughed as she hopped up on her horse. "Try and keep up!"
The sun flew through the sky as they rode the horses until they reached an empty field. Octavia set up a picnic she had planned, which turned into a food fight. As food was flying everywhere, Clarke looked around; Bellamy wasn't there.
It didn't take her long to find him, he was attempting to skip rocks across a river. Clarke silently approached him from behind and aimed a chunk of watermelon at his head, but she missed him.
"Your aim sucks," Bellamy said without turning around. He bent down to grab another rock.
"Yeah, well, at least I can do this," Clarke took the rock from Bellamy's hand and, with the perfect flick of the wrist, successfully skipped the rock across the water.
"Show off," he huffed.
Clarke paused a second and looked at his profile. She could see him trying to keep a neutral face, but guilt flashed across his expression, and she knew why.
While nudging him with her elbow, she says, "You don't have to feel bad, you know? You're allowed to have fun. You're allowed to be happy. That's what Gina would want."
"Don't," he snapped at her, "pretend to know Gina."
"Sorry for trying to help." Clarke didn't attempt to hide her insincerity. "And by the way, I may not have known Gina that well, but I do know she wouldn't want you to be miserable for the rest of your life. Bye." She turned around to go, hands stuffed in her pockets, but Bellamy grabbed her arm.
"Clarke. Shit," he stuttered out an apology, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be an ass."
She side-eyed him before slowly saying, "Apology accepted." She sat down and pulled off her riding boots and socks. Moving to the edge where the land met water, she let her feet dangle in the icy water.
Bellamy joined her, but didn't say anything. Clarke appreciated the silence. She leaned back until she was flat against the ground with her feet still in the water and looked up. The sky was so blue, and there weren't any clouds in sight. There was a rustling of leaves in the trees around them and Clarke closed her eyes, content and at peace.
When she opened her eyes, Bellamy lay beside her staring up at the sky. He opened his mouth to speak, "Do you miss her?"
Clarke turned her head back to the sky. A single cloud had moved above her when she wasn't looking. "Every goddamn day."
"Do you still love her?"
Clarke thought about it. "Yeah."
"How do you have room for anyone else in you heart?"
"She takes up one small corner of it. Permanently. That doesn't mean I don't love her a lot, just that my heart's big enough for more people. Raven has a spot. Octavia has a spot. Those other idiots have spots. My parents have spots." She looked at him. "There's probably even a small section in there for you."
He looked at her and smiled, and for the first time Clarke took the time to appreciate his face, the way his freckles were scattered about his face with no apparent pattern, and yet Clarke could draw entire constellations in them. She realized she had been staring, but so had he, and neither looked away. She wondered what he saw when he looked at her. Could he see the parts of her she'd put back together with nothing but duct tape? Could he see her insecurities and fears written across her face? No; she guessed he couldn't, because then he wouldn't be looking at her the way that he was.
Bellamy was grateful for Clarke.
His hand reached out for hers like it had the night before, and again she let him take it. "We'll get through this." He looked back up as a bird flew past.
Clarke knew what he meant by this; they were two broken people with matching scars. Being scarred meant that they were alive, and being alive meant they had to live.
And they could do it. Together.