Chapter Text
I truly was a Cauldron damned fool.
The branches caught at my hair as I fled but the now silky smooth strands emerged victorious for the most part, slipping through in a way that I once would have assumed impossible. I’d lost my hair tie at some point and given how few twigs got caught and how little the occasional tugs pained, I didn’t want to waste effort. I wasn’t quite running for my life yet.
I would be. So I paced myself, testing this new inhuman body out as much as I could. It still didn’t quite feel like mine when I saw it but there weren’t exactly mirrors hanging in the forest. A good thing too, otherwise I’d be forced to confront how little this exercise was affecting my new figure. My cheeks would be as pale as usual, perhaps tinged a bit pink but nothing near the red splotches that used to be there quite frequently. The sweat patches would probably form even, perfectly round circles in my clothes. Maybe ovals.
There was a sort of peace to be found in running like this, despite the circumstances. I’d missed it. More than that, I’d missed being outside. I’d spent a lot of time watching the forest in my short life. Not so much running through one, a different one too, but the distinction only mattered because of the dangers.
And it was dangerous, to be here, doing this, but I didn’t care as much as I should. I’d also spent a lot of time in danger. I hadn’t spent a lot being safe. And I knew I should, that I should go back to the Spring Court, back to Tamlin. We could work this out. But…
But what?
There was a but and it was the reason I kept running. Away that it is. Because if I did run back now, I could probably get there in time. I could get there before Tamlin found the pendant, lying there on the bed. I was still struggling with words and I didn’t want to ask anyone. Who else would I tell I was leaving? I hadn’t even known that it was going to happen when it did; I’d just been thinking about it.
Alis might have known but she knew more than most and she had yet to betray my confidence. I hoped she’d be okay when Tamlin came back but she’d been the one to insist that I keep wearing tunics and had found ways to excuse it to Ianthe. I hoped she knew, even as I hoped she didn’t. I didn’t want her to get into trouble. But she’d have Lucien at least.
Lucien…
If I had any great regrets out of the pile I was amassing from this stupid escapade, it was that I couldn’t bring the two of them with me. Tamlin was growing angrier by the day and my presence began to serve as more of a catalyst than a deterrent. Lucien was the one who he listened to the most, but only after Ianthe.
It had hurt, to be dismissed and so I had begun to dismiss him back. We didn't spend very long together any more. Oh how things had changed...
I had thought that it would all be over. We were free, both alive and Amarantha was dead. She couldn't hurt us anymore. She couldn't hurt anyone anymore. Yes there was my bargain with Rhys to think about and yes, he had surprised me but that was more of a positive than anything.
In my weaker moments, when I could forget about everything that led us to this point, about Under the Mountain, I thought he might make a decent friend. I would never tell him so. He probably already knew, the mind-reading bastard that he was, and that was part of the reason I knew better in stronger moments.
Still, that first week I had spent with him, with his family had certainly softened my heart. But not enough to trust him. Not enough to run to him, as though he were my knight in shining armour, though he had his moments.
He'd teased me, though I hadn't seen it as such at them time. Maybe he hadn't been reading my mind - he'd seemed apologetic enough when I got emotional. And yet...
I nearly tripped over a root right then and took it as a sign from the Mother to concentrate. If I were lucky, I'd have a two day headstart. It wasn't nearly enough and I knew it. I'd thought about taking a horse but the fewer people that saw me the better. It wasn't exactly their fault and I didn't want to have to hurt them.
I thought I might have.
I hadn't realised how desperate I was until then, when I was pacing Tamlin's chambers and contemplating how hard it would be to knock out any guards I passed. I was allowed free rein of the manor itself but Tamlin had been growing increasingly worried and I was no longer allowed on the grounds themselves.
Okay, I was technically, but only with an escort. Unfortunately, without Lucien around, the thought was rather unappealing. I probably should have made more of an effort to meet the guards but as it seemed everyone and everything loved to remind me, I was Fae now. I'd probably have centuries. I'd taken the excuse gratefully.
I'd never had a problem doing things before. It had always been necessary. It didn't matter whether I felt like going into the woods or not. I had to.
It was nice to not have to do much here. Strange, certainly, but nice. But although, I'd spent time wishing for that, I didn't know what to do with it. It grated to not be allowed to change myself, to be discouraged from going out and hunting. It had grated enough that I was now here, running for something that might have been freedom or just because I was bored.
But I knew I couldn't stay there forever. Tamlin had never seemed farther away, even when I first arrived and we'd been getting to know each other. I couldn’t stay and now, I had no choice to flee to somewhere that certainly wouldn’t welcome me.
I hadn’t been stupid enough to think I could flee to the other Courts. So instead, I was fleeing to the Wall. Tamlin had taken two days to cross the Wall, on horseback, with my unconscious body so I could only hope that my head-start would be long enough.
It might not be but I’d never been one to think too long once I’d committed to a decision so I kept running. There were people, in the stories my Father had occasionally told me that ran for a complete day without stopping to deliver messages. They weren’t even Fae, just desperate humans.
How desperate was I?
I supposed I’d find that out. As it turned out, I was fortunate or desperate enough to make it. It had been difficult to cross the Wall but I’d made it, without a tail to the best of my knowledge. I hadn’t exactly found the time to hide my tracks so they might come, sooner or later, but there was the Treaty to think about.
The Treaty that I was only just considering now, as the manor Tamlin had gifted my family with came into a view. It was enough to make me reconsider. He’d done so much fr me, so much for my family. Did he deserve this?
I was being ungrateful, like Nesta always claimed I was, and I knew it. But I knew, from deep within my selfish heart, that I didn’t want to go back. I couldn’t. I didn’t know why I’d come here and not to the cottage but I… I walked up to the unlocked gate and let myself in, idly picking out the few leaves that had managed to hang on.
There was nothing to be done for my tunic… that was actually pretty clean. It hadn’t rained recently so there was no mud splattered but the earth that had been flung up with the force of my feet had readily bonded with my sweat patches (which I was happy to note, weren’t perfectly circular) so I did look muddy but only a little.
I was clean enough for Nesta when she swung open the door. That might have been why, to my utter surprise, she didn’t turn me away.
Not at the door, where she’d taken in my newly flawless hair, carefully styled to cover the now pointed tips of my ears. Nor in the hallway, where she’d barked to one of the maids to immediately fetch Elain, bodily shielding me from view as the maid scurried past. Nor in the parlour, where she strictly told me to sit as she paced relentlessly back and forth.
She’d never been patient and the longer it took for Elain to arrive, the more agitated Nesta got until, at last, her eyes focused on an old cabinet in the corner, one that didn’t quite seem to fit with the rest of the room. I watched, amazed, as Nesta the Lady uncorked one of Father’s drinks, taking three long swigs in succession.
Under my incredulous stare, she expertly returned the bottle to its previous position and just when I thought she might snap at me, Elain came in.
“Nesta?” She asked softly. I hand long thought Elain might be incapable of not being gentle. It had always seemed to me that the grace of a Lady was imprinted onto her very soul. Nesta gave her a smile. All of Nesta’s true smiles had always been reserved for Elain. It hurt, no matter how much I tried to convince myself it didn’t.
”Feyre-“
She didn’t get to say any more. Elain’s eyes found mine and she beamed. “Feyre! You’ve come to visit!”
I gave her an awkward nod, though that did little to curb her enthusiasm. She skipped over to me, leaning in close and reaching forward, perhaps to tuck my hair behind my ear as she’d so often done for Nesta. I caught her hand and shook my head a little.
Maybe the movement allowed her to see my ears or maybe she just took in the rest of me, the newfound shininess of my hair, the now flawless skin. Maybe she just had her own suspicions but whatever it was, I knew that she now knew. I dropped her hand and she straightened up, though she didn’t move away. It eased something in me I didn’t realise was tense.
When she spoke, her voice had a strange undertone I could never remember hearing from her before. “We don’t have an aunt, do we?”
Neither Nesta nor I answered and I noticed that, just like me, Nesta didn’t want to meet Elain’s eyes, even as our sister left my side to approach Nesta. “You weren’t lying-“
”I’m sorry.” I began, lowering my head. “I didn’t want to- I’ll go.” I hadn’t been thinking, not really. I couldn’t bring my sisters into this. I was supposed to protect them, not… not do whatever this was.
”Where?” Nesta replied cuttingly. “Where will you go?”
I didn’t know what to say. Some of part of me hated her then, for always knowing exactly where to cut and never caring that it hurt. I’d fooled myself into thinking she cared about me, just a little.
“That’s why you’re here, isn’t it? You have nowhere else to go. So you came here, and now I have to-“
I still didn’t know what to say and yet I was suddenly furious. Nesta was right, of course. I didn’t have anywhere else to go. I didn’t have anywhere else to go but I suddenly felt like even going back would be better than being here. I had thought I could do it. I’d taken Nesta’s words for years already.
But I couldn’t.
”You have to what, Nesta?” I demanded. “‘Clean up after me?’. When have you ever done that? Every time I needed your help, every time I just needed someone to chop the wood after I was out, on my own, hunting so we wouldn’t starve, freezing and crying and hoping and knowing that if I didn’t manage, we’d all die, what did you do? I had to fight you. I always had to fight you.”
Nesta reeled back in shock. We’d argued before. I’d said similar things. But today, it was too much. I think it was the first time she had ever seen me cry. I’d always waited until I could hide my tears before. I didn’t want her to know how much it hurt. But I was too tired to care, and too uneasy to keep silent. It was a strange feeling. I’d always been unable to say anything, felt too drained to attempt to say anything.
“I don’t have anywhere else to go.” I admitted. “But I’d rather go than… than…”
“Don’t be dramatic.” Nesta countered, regaining her equilibrium. “We wouldn’t have starved. Father would have… father would have done something if you didn’t coddle him! You let him get away with it! You hunted so he didn’t have to do anything except laze around and carve wood statues which he couldn’t sell! And you… do you know how many marriage proposals I lost out on because of you? They were interested right until they learned that I had a… a beast for a sister! A half wild feral thing! I could have married a rich man and taken Elain with me! We wouldn’t have had to suffer for so long!”
Was it wrong that some part of me might have been enjoying this? I hadn’t felt so alive in months. Nesta was the only one who could make me shout like this. It felt familiar, comfortable somehow.
I had barely opened my mouth, maybe to argue or maybe just to try to produce some sort of sound that wasn’t a sob, when Elain cut in.
”Please don’t argue.” She pleaded. “We’re okay now.”
Nesta had always shielded Elain, had always tried to protect her. I had too. And yet, the words seemed to force themselves past my lips. How, I wasn’t sure, since I’d never gotten irritated at Elain, gentle Elain. Nesta was easier to fight with but Elain? Elain was… delicate I suppose. To be protected, no matter that she was older than me. And so the words forced themselves past my lips, flowing out like the unstoppable tide.
”But we weren’t Elain!” I scolded. “We were dying. We were dying and no one did anything! Not you, not Nesta, not Father!” I regretted it the moment I spoke. I had never raised my voice to Elain before. And for good reason because tears immediately began to well up in her eyes.
It felt like an arrow to the heart.
It felt like an arrow to the heart and that would undoubtedly be a quicker death than the one Nesta was surely about to bestow upon me. I was under no illusion that she might be merciful. I didn’t want her to be. I deserved it.
“Did you come here only to insult us?” Nesta’s voice was cold but even.
I shook my head and started to get up. There was no chance I wouldn’t be turned away now so I may as well save myself the indignity of being dragged by the ear to the door. I should leave now. All I’d done was shout at Nesta and make Elain cry. I didn’t deserve to be sitting there, in my sisters’ home that Tamlin had granted them. I didn’t deserve him either.
Maybe I didn’t deserve anything.
”Where are you going?” Nesta snapped. “Sit back down.”
I obeyed. Why, I don’t know, but I’d never been able to defy Nesta directly unless angry and the sight of Elain’s tears had completely drained away any energy I had to fight.
I sat there, too ashamed to look at either of my sisters, even as a small part of me refused to be cowed, protested that I’d only told the truth. But that small part of me had smiled at Nesta’s flinch, was satisfied by Elain’s shock so I shoved it as far down as I could, unwilling to explore it too deeply.
”Your room is next to Father’s.” Nesta said at last. My head snapped up, my mouth gaping open. She was… she was letting me stay? Even after that? “He’s in the Continent. I’ll send Megan home for two weeks so it’s only the three of us.”
”Megan?”
“Our maid.” It was Elain who answered, sniffling a little and I tried my best to not react to that sound, even as my heart ached harder.
“Thank you.” I murmured, far too tired all of a sudden. I didn’t have anything left in me. I felt empty and weary, like there was no strength left in my limbs, even to bear my own weight. I looked at them then, my two older sisters, watching me with unreadable faces, and wept harder.
”Thank you.”