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1
The first time, they're seven years old and playing in the sandbox, and there's a pin stuck in Jennifer's hand.
Needy pulls it out, and then dips her head to the shimmering dot of blood. She's not sure why she does it, something about 'kissing it better', something about instinct, the way she'd put her own cut finger in her mouth.
She tastes the blood on Jennifer's palm, kisses it away, and there's a metal taste on her lips, a little salt on her tongue. It tastes like her own blood, like that time her scissors slipped and cut her thumb real badly. It's weird Jen tastes like her. She should taste like marshmallows, or maybe sour gummies, something with a bite to it.
But maybe all best friends' blood tastes the same as each other. Maybe that's what best friend means. And maybe now a little bit of Jennifer's in Needy forever.
“Don't tell my mom about this,” Jennifer says. “She'll make me get a shot.”
“I never tell on you,” Needy says, and smiles 'cause it's true. She didn't tell her mom it was Jennifer that broke that vase, not her, and she didn't tell their teacher that Jennifer was the one who copied her answers, and she didn't tell that lady in the store that Jennifer took the sweets. She never tells.
Maybe that's what best friend means, too.
2
The second time, they're ten, and Needy is sick. She's been in bed all day, and her mom couldn't get off work, so Jen came over as soon as school let out, because my mom's so annoying, you're lucky your house is empty.
She didn't come to look after Needy, but Needy's glad she's here, even if she keeps pestering her to get out of bed.
“C'mon, Needy, this is boring.”
“I'm sorry,” Needy says, for the hundredth time. “I feel sick, I don't wanna get up.”
Jennifer pouts. “Boo.”
She vanishes then, and Needy wants to get out of bed, follow her, ask what she's doing, but her face feels like it's burning and her stomach's all lurchy and she just lies there and waits, wondering if Jennifer left.
Jen comes back upstairs a few minutes later, carrying snacks she raided from the cupboards. She piles them up on the bed next to Needy, offers her some, but Needy shakes her head.
“I feel sick, I told you.”
“C'mon,” Jennifer whines. “It's no fun to eat alone.”
She snaps a candy bar in half and pokes Needy's mouth with it, insistent, until Needy relents and bites into it.
The chocolate's sickly sweet on her tongue. It's hard to swallow lying down. She feels sick with it.
But it's Jennifer, and she likes how soft Jen's fingers are when they brush her mouth, and she doesn't want to be no fun, anymore than she already is.
So she lets Jen feed her, no matter how sick she feels, because it makes Jennifer smile.
3
The third time, they're twelve and celebrating Needy's birthday. Jennifer's laughed at her for not wanting a proper party – sure, no one likes you, but they'd come if I told them to – but Needy said her mom banned her. It's not true, she just wants to spend the day with Jennifer, but she knows if she says that, Jen will laugh.
So they're sitting side by side on her bed, a movie on, and Needy's painting Jennifer's nails for her because even if there's no party, some of us still wanna look cute.
Needy's just finished Jennifer's pinkie when her mom, home for once, brings them cake Needy knows she picked up at the store. Jennifer eyes it and rolls her eyes.
“Boo, vanilla.”
“I like vanilla,” Needy ventures.
“Of course you do, it's boring,” Jennifer says, then wiggles her newly-painted nails. “Feed me some, I don't wanna fuck up my nails.”
Needy tries not to wince at fuck, because she knows Jennifer will laugh at her for being a prude, and she breaks off a piece of cake and holds it out.
Jennifer dips her head, eats it straight from Needy's fingers. She's not careful. Her teeth scrape Needy's skin, and when the cake is gone, she licks the icing clinging to Needy's fingertips, and Needy tries not to shiver. Her fingers sting from the uncareful bite, but Jennifer's lips are so soft.
Jennifer looks up at her with a glint in her eye, licks her fingers again, deliberately, and Needy clears her throat and snatches her hand back, her cheeks flaring red. “Stop.”
Jennifer rolls her eyes. “What's your problem? You need to lighten up, Needy. Stop being so boring all the time. Maybe then people would like you.”
“I don't care about people. I have you,” Needy mumbles, and Jennifer half-laughs, but there's something a little softer in her smile.
“Always my girl, huh, Needy?”
Needy nods, feels her cheeks flare hot again. My girl. Doesn't matter how many times Jennifer teases her, as long as she gets to be hers.
“Guess I can't blame you for that.” Jennifer shrugs. “Your cake sucks, by the way.”
Needy breaks off a piece, licks icing from the same fingertips Jen did. Maybe that's kinda gross, sharing spit, but then again they are best friends.
She likes the cake, but she makes a face anyway. “Yeah. It sucks.”
Because she's Jennifer's girl, and agreeing is what best friends do.
4
The fourth time, they're fourteen, and they're at some boy's party. Needy doesn't even want to be there, but Jennifer asked (told) her to come, and she wants to be where Jennifer is.
“Needy,” Jen says, hanging off her arm, already drunk. “Come try peach Schnapps with me.”
“Is it nice?” Needy asks, cautious. It's not like she hasn't been drinking herself too, it's impossible not to with Jen, but she's not sure about Schnapps.
“Who cares if it's nice, the point is being drunk. God, Needy.”
So Needy lets Jennifer lead her over to the drinks. She takes cautious sips at first, tries not to wince, but then Jennifer grabs the bottle and drinks straight from it. Her throat moves as she swallows, a drop runs from the corner of her mouth, and Needy's too caught up watching to really notice when the bottle's offered to her.
“Come on, live a little.” Jen tips the bottle to her lips, and Needy opens her mouth and swallows, because the other choice is getting Schnapps all down her top.
It burns like fire, but Jennifer smiles, so Needy keeps drinking, matches her swallow for swallow, until the world's swimming up and down and she's laughing without knowing why, clinging onto Jennifer's arm to stay upright.
And then at some point there's Schnapps running out the corner of her mouth and she reaches up to wipe it away, but Jen catches her hand.
“Let me get it.”
And then her thumb's on Needy's mouth and the room is blurring and someone's wolf-whistling, and Jen drops her thumb and gives her this look, and Needy leans in clumsily because nothing feels real.
And Jennifer lets her. Jennifer leans, too.
Needy's never kissed anyone before.
She can taste peach Schnapps and shitty vodka and whatever else they've been drinking on Jen's mouth. Her lips are soft. Her tongue is softer. Needy winds her fingers into Jennifer's long dark hair, and wonders distantly what happened to her glasses, and– she likes kissing Jennifer, why haven't they been kissing all these years? She feels full with it, fed with it, Jennifer's tongue, the taste of the drink they've shared.
The boys cheer, and Jen pulls away and laughs. “Wow, Needy, never thought I'd be the one to take your lip virginity.”
The room is swimming. Jennifer's laughing. Needy feels sick all of a sudden.
“I guess girls'll be girls,” Jen says, and sways into one of the boys who's watching, runs a hand down his chest. “Enjoy the show?”
Needy doesn't hear him answer, the room swims and she stumbles to the kitchen and throws up in the sink. And when she comes back, Jennifer's kissing that boy the way she just kissed Needy, and Needy's stomach lurches again.
The Schnapps burns on its way back out. But not as bad as watching Jen kiss the boy does.
5
The last time, they're in Jennifer's bedroom. Like a hundred times before. Only Jen isn't Jen anymore, and Needy, well, she doesn't feel like Needy. The rage in her is like a living thing. She wants to tear Jennifer apart.
She pins her to the bed, one hand around her throat. Jennifer struggles in her grip, and it's like some sick mirror, some fucked-up version of the way they kissed the second time, Needy on top of Jen in a bed, just before Jen told her story.
But Chip is dead, and Needy is done giving Jennifer chances. She'll see her gone, and then she'll think about killing those men for what they turned her into.
“Best friends forever, huh?” she says, and she digs her fingers in, and there's a sandbox in her head, and everything they were, and blood, and Chip dying in her arms. “You killed my fucking boyfriend, you goddamn monster! You dumb bitch!”
It's like the last word changes something. Jennifer stops struggling and looks straight up at her for just a heartbeat, and then she grabs Needy and pulls her down and sinks her teeth into her shoulder.
The bite cuts in deep, and Needy screams with it, rips away. It tears her flesh worse. Maybe the pain will kick in more later, but– right now she feels cauterised by rage.
Jennifer looks up at Needy, licking her blood off her lips. She moans softly with it, still manipulating, even now, still playing on every string of every feeling Needy ever had for her, still feeding off her, off her blood, off her devotion, off her ridiculous naïve heart.
They're seven in a sandbox, and Needy's tasting Jen's blood. They're seventeen on a bed, and Jen is tasting Needy's.
Only this time, Needy's not protecting her from consequences. This time, she is the consequence.
But after Needy's killed her, after it's all done and they're dragging her away, it's like she can feel Jennifer, still in her blood. Like Jennifer fed herself with that bite, but fed something to Needy, too, the pulse of her, the hurt of her, the hunger anger cut of her, deep in Needy's bones.
Like maybe there's a little part of Jennifer left in this world, in the girl she fed, the girl who fed her. Or maybe that's just Needy, her fury, her grief, her hunger, so much more than anyone ever knew.
Whatever it is, Needy or Jennifer, Needy-and-Jennifer, both, it whispers feed me.
And Needy waits, and she watches, and she learns, until she can get out. Get out, and kill the men who did this to them both.
And when they're gone, sprawled out bleeding, when they've tasted just a bit of the fear they put in Jennifer, when Needy's hands are scarlet with revenge... Then, finally, Needy feels fed.
Then, finally, the hunger is silent.