Chapter Text
“C’mon, Kuwabara. Keep up or get left behind.” Urameshi called back to him. “Don’t tell me you’re getting tired already.”
“As if!” Kazuma defended, hurrying to keep up. “I’m barely getting started.”
“Better get started, then.” Hiei scoffs as Kazuma catches up to the group. “We don’t have time to waste on you.”
“It’s just up ahead, only a little farther.” Kurama assures him with a smile that felt more pitying than sympathetic. It only makes him feel more like a burden.
Early that morning Koenma had called them in for an important mission. A sword of great power appeared, one that Reikai deemed too dangerous to be out in the world. The Silver Dawn; forged from the core of a meteor that crashed to earth millions of years ago, it has the potential to amplify its wielder's power beyond what should ever be possible. It disappeared from history when its maker perished in battle thousands of years ago. Now rumor has spread that it’s finally reappeared. It’s no surprise that it’s a highly coveted item, that’s partly the reason they’re in such a rush to find it. The real problem was that once the sword bonded to a new wielder, no one else would be able to even lift it. It was now or never to reclaim it and keep it out of the wrong hands.
“So this sword...” Kazuma says as he takes the brief moment of rest to catch his breath. Kurama was focused on the movement of his dowsing vine, so he directs his question to the other two. “How do we know it’s even there?”
“According to Koenma, that thing has an energy that is literally out of this world.” Urameshi tells him. Kazuma couldn’t help but feel jealous that none of his friends were breaking a sweat yet, as fine as if they were going for a light stroll. “It can’t be that difficult to pin down.”
“If we can find it, so can other people.” Hiei scowls. “So quit slowing us down.”
“Quit trying to leave me behind.” Kazuma shoots back. “There was no reason to make me walk through all those brambles, we could’ve gone around.”
“That would’ve wasted time.” Hiei gives him an unimpressed look. “It’s not my fault you couldn’t jump over them like the rest of us.”
“Why didn’t you use your Rei Ken to pole vault over?” Urameshi asks and Kazuma instantly feels stupid.
“I, uh, forgot.” He admits, his ears burning with shame as Hiei rolls his eyes while Urameshi laughs at him.
“Man, and I thought school was supposed to make you smart.” Urameshi elbows him in the ribs. “Good to know you’re as dumb as ever.”
“Look who’s talking.” Kazuma shoves him in response.
“It’s this way.” Kurama announces, taking off without a second glance. The other two are quick to follow and Kazuma is left scrambling to catch up. This has been his least favorite mission by far. At first it sounded so exciting when they were being debriefed in Koenma’s office. He was finally being invited on a mission again and it was to retrieve a legendary sword. What could be better than that? He’d get to be a part of the team again after years of being left behind. This was it, his chance to prove himself to them. They would see that even though he’s human and the weakest link in the chain, he can keep up and be useful. It’ll be just like old times.
He was wrong.
First, he’d nearly been swept away by the large river they had to cross, having fallen out of the makeshift boat. He’d only been standing up to try and get a better idea of how far the other shore was. He didn’t know you weren’t supposed to do that kind of thing until he’d already tumbled in head first. The only reason he hadn’t drowned was because Hiei had grabbed him by the scruff and tossed him back in the boat. If that hadn’t been humiliating enough, a fresh water octopus had latched onto him, leaving red welts on his neck and cheek. The stubborn thing only let go when Yusuke yanked it off with a series of wet popping sounds as the tentacles released.
“Wow, I think that sucker was in love with your ugly ass.” Urameshi teased, poking the sore welts. “Look at all these hickeys!”
Already embarrassed and annoyed, he’d picked a fight right then and there, nearly capsizing them all. The chastising he got from Kurama and glares from Hiei only made him feel worse about things. So, soggy sneakered and dripping wet, he’d done his best to keep up with the group as they ran through the dense forest on the other side. His shoes squished with every step, an embarrassment in itself when his other friends' footsteps were nearly silent. He felt like the kid with squeaky shoes all over again, a loser you could hear coming from miles away. But it was either that or go barefoot. When they reached the bramble patch, he was glad he kept them on. Not that it helped much. By the time he’d shoved his way through, he was covered in stinging scratches with prickles jammed into his skin. He was going to have a hell of a time picking them out with tweezers when he got home. There was no time to do anything about that now, though, his friends were already off again.
“Could you be quiet?” Hiei snapped at him, shaking Kazuma out of his miserable thoughts.
“I wasn’t saying anything!” He defends.
“Pick up your damn feet, oaf. Your crashing around is going to alert every enemy in the area.” He points at Kazuma’s shoes with derision. “And get rid of those things. You’re leaving a trail of mud behind us. Do you want to be followed?”
“It’s not my fault their still wet.” He protests, his stomach clenching with guilt because it was his fault. He was the one who fell in the river.
“Just ditch ‘em.” Urameshi shrugs. “We’ll come pick them back up later. Besides, we’re almost to the cave, so you won’t have to worry about any more brambles.”
“But...” Kazuma began to protest, but all three of his friends were looking at him and it made him feel very put on the spot. He sighed. “Fine. But if I break a toenail, I’m blaming you.”
“It’ll be your own fault.” Hiei dismisses. “Just don’t be so clumsy.”
“You know who you’re saying that to, right?” Yusuke joked. Kazuma’s lips twisted into a frown as he hears Kurama stifle a laugh in response.
“This is why I said we shouldn’t bring him.” Hiei’s voice was plain and matter of fact, but the barbs still dug into Kazuma’s already tender skin. “I told you he’d only slow us down.”
“Hey!” Kazuma snapped, tossing his wet shoes aside. “I’m doing my best here, asshole.”
“Your best isn’t good enough.”
“Well, am I keeping up or not?” Kazuma glares, his temper burning bright.
“I don’t know, are you?” Hiei raises an eyebrow in challenge. “Because this is the fourth time we’ve had to stop moving to deal with your nonsense.”
“It’s alright if you want to wait here.” Kurama offers, the dowsing vine swaying in his hand. “You can keep an eye out for anyone following us while we move on ahead. It shouldn’t be too much trouble to retrieve the sword.”
Kazuma’s heart clenched with anxiety, desperately not wanting to be left behind when they were so close to their goal. He shakes his head and stalks forwards. “I can keep going.”
“You sure?” Urameshi falls into step beside him. “Because we can manage without you.”
Fuck off, Kazuma thinks bitterly. “I said I would help, so I’m going to.”
“When?” Hiei muttered to Kurama behind him. Urameshi just claps him on the shoulder.
“Let’s keep moving, then.”
All the more determined to prove himself, he steps into the dark cave where The Silver Dawn was waiting. I’m not weak. I’m not useless. I’m not stupid or pathetic or a burden or whatever the hell else they call me, he tells himself, wishing it was true. I can do this. I have to do this if I want to stand by their side with pride.
The stone floor of the cave is smooth for the first dozen feet or so before it becomes jagged. The sharp corners dig into the soles of his feet and he has to step carefully to avoid cutting himself or stubbing his toe. Unfortunately, this means that he once again falls to the back of the group. Kurama is the one holding their light source, so Kazuma has to hurry as fast as he can so he doesn’t get lost in the dark. The shadows keep moving around, messing with his vision and making it difficult to know where to step. He winces as a sharp rock pierces the bottom of his foot and he has to stop to pull it out. Yikes, that felt like it went in deep. It’s a good thing he’s up to date on his tetanus shots.
“Kuwabara?” Kurama calls and he looks up to see that he’s forced them to stop for a fifth time.
“Coming!” He hurries to join them, doing his best not to wince at the throbbing in his foot. Deeper and deeper into the cave they go, the terrain becoming more ragged and dangerous. The darkness surrounding them is hungry, swallowing everything like a great mouth. He manages to stay close to the group, but it’s at the cost of the soles of his feet. Littered with cuts and scrapes, he’s beginning to worry about infection. I’ll just wash them out when I get home, he tells himself, ignoring the pain. It can wait until then. This isn’t so bad, I’ve had much worse. He keeps quiet, not wanting to alert that there’s any problem. If they have to stop again, they just might actually leave him behind.
Finally, the narrow tunnel opens up into a large cavern. Glowing like a star at the center, the Silver Dawn gleams. Something resonates in Kazuma as soon as he lays eyes on it. Come, it seems to hum. Come to me. Stuck into the ground like a cross, it’s something out of a fairytale. Kazuma had long since given up the notion that he’s a knight in shining armor. But for the first time in a long time, he feels like he could be a hero again. Come to me.
“Damn, Kuwa, are you on your rag or something? You smell like— what the hell happened to your feet?!” Urameshi exclaimed and Kazuma looked down. Oh. That’s a lot more blood than he thought there was.
“Uh, oops?” He grins sheepishly. Lifting one foot with a sticky wet sound, a few more drops of blood dripped onto the ground. “I guess those rocks were sharper than I thought.”
Hiei’s expression darkens and Kurama looks horrified. “Shit. That means—”
“That’s right.” A new voice announces from behind them. They turn to see two dozen demons standing there with torches. “Thanks to your human pet, you left us a nice trail to follow.”
“You idiot.” Hiei snapped at Kazuma as he drew his sword. “I told you to pick up your damn feet.”
Chaos breaks out and it’s all Kazuma’s fault. Guilt and panic seize him as everyone fights and scrambles for the sword. He has to fix this. He has to do something, otherwise all he’s done is prove that he’s exactly the burden everyone thinks he is. If he doesn’t do something fast, he’s never going to be invited on a mission again. He won’t be a part of the team anymore.
He races for the sword, ignoring the sharp pains in his feet as they get even more sliced up by the jagged floor. One of his toenails tears clean off as his foot catches on a small ledge, but he doesn’t care. He just has to reach the sword before anyone else. He’s tackled from behind, falling hard to the ground and hitting his chin, his teeth clicking painfully together. He elbows his attacker sharply, earning a pained grunt.
“Stay still, dumbass!” Urameshi shouts in his ear, pushing him further against the floor. Just as he says this, a wave of fire whooshes over them in a hot blast. Guilt strikes him hard and fast as he hears Urameshi hiss in pain, the flames scorching his back as he covers Kuwabara.
“Urameshi—!”
“Stay down!” Urameshi snaps at him, pushing himself up and charging at the demon breathing fire at them. Kazuma is stunned, but quickly shakes himself out of it. The sword, he thinks desperately, crawling forwards. Get the sword and this’ll all be over. On instinct alone, he rolls to the side, narrowly avoiding the axe coming down on him like an anvil. It crashes into the ground, splitting it open in a shower of gravel. Kazuma’s grabbed by his collar from behind and roughly tossed to the side.
“Quit crawling in the dirt and do something useful.” Hiei barks at him, ducking into the axe demon’s guard and slicing him to ribbons. “Or at least stay out of our way.”
“Kuwabara, move!” Kurama shouts in warning as the ground erupts in an explosion of green, vine-like plants screeching and snatching demons up in their coils. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees a blur of movement. A small, child-sized imp was scrambling towards the sword with single minded determination. He dodged and weaved through the attacks, his eyes on his prize.
“Not so fast!” Kazuma charges, sliding under the whip of plants and avoiding the flashing arc of blades. An arrow of Yoki whistles by his face, narrowly missing him. He doesn’t even pause. If someone else gets to the sword first, it’s all over. Even a pipsqueak like the demon he’s racing has the potential to destroy them all with it. If I can just make it in time, he thinks with feverish adrenaline. I can help everyone and win this fight.
His leg muscles burn as he urges them to go faster and faster. The imp is almost there, his little face split wide in a gleeful smile of triumph. Summoning his Rei Ken, he throws it with all his might. Please land, he prays. Please hit the right target. With a sharp thunk, it buries itself into the cave wall, pinning the imp’s jerkin there. Kazuma beams in victory. Yes! Dashing forwards, he seizes the handle of the Dawn. It’s warm in his palm, radiating power that enfolds him in an aurora of energy. The cries and crashes of the battle around him fade in the wake of the blood rushing in his ears. He can’t move, frozen in place as the sword tests him out, burning him like a hot coal.
No, he insists, tightening his grip. The image of his friends flash before his eyes and it gives him courage. I’m not letting go. Never.
So it seems. The sword hums in a soundless voice that is changing to sound similar to his own. White flashes across his vision in blinding light. And if I should burn you to death with the heat of a dying star?
Do it, then! Kazuma dares, stubbornly hanging on even as it feels like his skin is melting off like the wax of a candle. I still won’t let go. I promised I would help my friends and I’ll either do it or die trying! I am worthy!
The heat continues to rise and Kazuma accepts it, even as it scorches him to the blackened bone. The Silver Dawn seems to almost laugh, ringing like hot steel being forged. Oh yes. I like you. Your soul and heart are indeed worthy of my trust. You may have it, kind warrior. Use my gift well.
All at once, the heat vanishes, melting between him and the sword as if they were doused in cold water. Tempered, sealed together by fate. Kazuma pulls the sword free from its rocky sheathe, lifting it like it was a mere extension of his arm. He laughs in disbelieving joy, marveling at the fact that he did it. He did it! He really did it! Turning around, he prepares to help his friends turn the tide of that battle.
Only to find that it was already over.
His friends were sitting around waiting, chatting together amicably as Kurama applied a salve to Urameshi’s back. Urameshi is the first to look at him. “Oh, hey. Are you done standing around yet?”
“What happened to everyone else?” Kazuma lowers the sword, feeling at a loss as the triumph fades like heat in a cold wind.
“We dealt with them already.” Hiei crosses his arms, looking Kazuma over. “You’ve just been standing there like an idiot for ten minutes.”
“I got the sword.” He says stupidly, even though it was obvious. This was the most important part, right? The whole reason they were here. Surely he’s proven himself in their eyes. He can be a capable and useful and wanted part of the team now, just like the rest of them.
“Are you looking for a pat on the head?” Hiei gave him a flat look. “While you were messing around, we had to pick up your slack.”
“But...” Kazuma’s heart sinks. Urameshi hisses and swats Kurama away from his red back.
“Enough! It’s fine.” He grouses, then looks over at Hiei. “Give Kuwabara a break, man. He had to deal with this frightening monster.”
Urameshi grinned, holding up the restrained imp as it shouted in a high voice. “Let me go, asshole! I’ll rip off your ears!”
Kurama covered his mouth to hide his smile, but his chuckle hit Kazuma’s burning ears, his stomach twisting with humiliation. Even Hiei’s lips twitched into a smile. “I suppose it’s an even match between the two of them.”
“Even match? Look at this guy, he’d chew Kuwabara’s ankles to the bone.” Urameshi laughs, shaking the imp and making his scrawny legs swing. Kazuma’s heart sinks, bitter and heavy with disappointment as his friends share the joke about him. Joke, huh, he thinks sourly. Yeah. Sounds about right. Hot tears of shame and frustration fill his eyes and he blinks them away, taking a shaky breath. He’s sore, bleeding, and beyond tired. I’m done.
Turning away from them making a mockery of his efforts, he summons his Jigentō and opens a portal. He’s more than ready to be done with this final mission. He hears the laughter die down a bit as he steps through the portal.
“Kuwa?” Urameshi calls, the imp still dangling as he held him in the air. “Where are you going, man? We still have to take that thing back to Koenma.”
He tosses the sword back through the portal and it sinks into the ground with a shing. “I quit.”
The portal closes shut as he leaves them there. They’ve already cleaned up tons of his messes, what’s one more? Besides, it’ll be the last one. He’s just done with this. Done with trying, done with failing, just done.
Stepping back into his bedroom at home, all the exhaustion and pain hits him in one big punch. He’s felled, flopping onto his bed face first and burying his head in his pillow. He should get up to clean out his cuts, but he can’t make himself care enough to do so. His hand throbs with hot pain and he takes a peek at it. Furiously red and blistered with pockets of clear fluid, he figures it must’ve happened when he grabbed the sword. It hurts more than his feet, but whatever. This is probably nothing compared to Urameshi’s back. Granted, he can heal on his own, but still. Pain is pain. If Kazuma wasn’t there, maybe he wouldn’t have gotten hurt. Maybe they could’ve gotten to the sword faster and avoided a battle all together. After all, it was Kazuma’s fault those guys found them. All his fault.
“Kazuma?” Shizuru opens his door and he hears her gasp. “What the hell happened to your feet?!”
“I lost my shoes.” He says listlessly, unable to even lift his head to look at her. “It’s fine.”
“It’s not fine. You’re bleeding all over the place and staining my floors.” Shizuru snaps at him. “Come on. Up. Rinse those off in the tub, they’re covered in dirt and other shit.”
He sighs and forces himself to move. “Okay.”
The cuts and scratches sting like hell as he showers off the blood. Most of it is on his feet, but there’s still bramble thorns stuck into his skin. He has to use cold water, because anything above a cool lukewarm was fire on his burnt hand. While he puts antibiotic cream on his feet, Shizuru stands over him and picks out the thorns with tweezers.
“You need to be more careful.” She chides. “Infections are nothing to joke about, especially if you pick up foreign bacteria in Makai.”
“Don’t worry.” Kazuma assures, bandaging his bloody feet. “This is the last time.”
Shizuru doesn’t comment on his dour mood. After a long silence, eventually she says quietly; “Well, you should be focusing on school anyway.”
“Yeah.” Kazuma agrees, heavy with hurt and sorrow. If he can’t be a part of the team, he’ll have to figure out something else to do. Climbing back into bed, Shizuru pauses before sitting beside him.
“Did you do good, at least?” She asks softly, fiddling with her lighter.
“No.” He admits, closing his eyes. “But I tried. I really tried.”
She puts a hand on his shoulder for comfort and pretends she doesn’t see the tears that stain his pillow.