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Buck can't ignore it anymore. The way he feels lighter when they talk. How he stares at him when no one is watching. How his stomach flutters when Eddie smiles at him. Everything about him is perfect. He wants him, wants to love him forever.
But he can't. So here he is, sitting on Eddie's couch. A couch that soon he'll never be able to see again. The couch that once brought him comfort, a space where he could just be, where he could always go to, is now being ripped from under him. This was his and Eddie's space. A space that will soon be gone.
'Cause he’s helping Eddie pick out a new house, a house 800 miles away.
Taking away a space to coexist with him, breathe. Where everything went away. Soon he will lose his breath, his throat will close up, and his final puff of air will be released, and his love will be gone with it.
Helping him leave Buck, just like everyone else has.
Looking down at the tablet in his hands, his eyes browse over the options. Wishing it was different. That these were houses in LA. Since Buck can never have what he wants. Who he wants. They’re in El Paso.
So lost in thought, he doesn’t even register his best friend in front of him. Eddie perched on the coffee table, trying to get his attention.
"Buck." "Buck." Eddie repeats himself in a constant stream, waving his hand in front of his face, trying to get his attention. It isn't until he snaps his fingers in his ear that he snaps out of it. "Buck?" His eyebrows raised, eyes open wide, eyes fitting around, confused.
"Huh." He blinks out of his thoughts abruptly, confusion painting Eddie's face.
"What's got you all lost in thought, huh Buck?" Eddie asks, raising his eyebrow slightly.
"N-Nothing," he stutters out, eyes fitting around the room. Though illogical, he fears that if he looks at him, Eddie will know he’s not as fine with this as he seems.
Raising an eyebrow suspiciously. "Ok." Eddie draws out, suspicion coating his voice. "If you say so."
"So any takers?" Eddie says casually, drawing the conversation away from Buck, sensing it’s something he isn’t ready to talk about yet.
"Uh, no. I figured I would wait for you, you know," Buck states plainly.
"Thanks, Buck." Eddie replies, eyeing Buck suspiciously. 'Why would he wait? He just said his taste sucked,' Eddie thought, confused.
"So, I can make fun of your terrible taste, of course." Buck retorts with a grin.
He rolls his eyes, accompanying it with a sigh. He says, "Of course. I would be disappointed if you, you know, didn't tease me and respected what I thought." Eddie snarks, rolling his eyes in faux annoyance, unable to hold back his smile.
"You love it. 'Cause you love me." Buck states teasingly, grin growing wider, his stomach fluttering at Eddie's smile.
"Yeah, I do." Eddie states as if it were just a common fact: the sky is blue, the grass is green, and Eddie Diaz loves Buck.
They stare at each other, their fondness for one another shining profoundly in their eyes.
Eddie shakes his head once more. Clapping his hands together, he comes to a stand. "Right then. Let’s get this party started." Moving from his position on the coffee table to sit by Buck on his couch.
___________
It's been hours since he left Eddie's house to go back to his loft. It's 3:34 AM, and he's still wide awake. He's been tossing and turning all night, his mind running wild as it processes that Eddie is also leaving.
He tries and fails at trying to quiet his mind. Instead, he switches course and thinks of all the good times he’s spent with Eddie.
He thinks of the first day they met. How he had hated him. Hated that everyone loved him. Feared that they would replace him. Why wouldn't they? He was amazing and so cool. But Eddie thought he was cool too. That he was badass. The words "you can have my back any day" play through his mind. He knew then it would work out.
Eddie holding his hand when he was stuck under the fire truck.
Telling Buck, "There is no one I trust with my kid more than you," after he’d lost him. He didn’t understand why he didn't leave then.
Trusting Buck so much that he put him in his will as Christopher's legal guardian if he got hurt.
How he listened to him ramble about anything and everything.
Even after the lawsuit, he thought that this was it; nothing could fix it. BuckandEddie were now, Buck and Eddie. He was wrong. They always fit; through their ups and downs, they kept fighting, finding their way back to each other.
All the little things. As simple as being there for him. Just being able to exist with him, he loves it. Someone who Buck thought he would always have. Who would never leave. He knows better; everyone always leaves.
As if he’s fully realized what was happening, the dam crumbles; tears start to cascade down his face as if it were a river, unable to stop its flow. What was a steady stream reaches its peak, and it’s as if the river of tears has become an ocean.
He cries for what feels like forever because it doesn’t matter. Time doesn’t matter anymore.
Eddie's leaving. 𝘌𝘥𝘥𝘪𝘦'𝘴 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨.
It’s like he's cursed, cursed to be alone forever. To love and never be loved. To sit and watch everyone leave. As if he were a parasite, a leech that they couldn’t wait to get rid of. It was like that with everyone, everyone but Eddie.
He stayed. He always stays.
He’s learned a long time ago, though, that things, good or bad, never last. It always, always ends.
He’s alone; still, he tries and fails to stifle his voice. He’s always been a vocal crier. Today isn’t any different.
Slowly but surely, the world fades away to black. Sleep envelopes him in a comforting darkness. And today’s problems will become tomorrow's.
___________
Buck awakens to the sound of his alarm ringing. Opening his eyes, the world looks blurry, his eyes dry. Turning onto his back, he rubs his eyes with his knuckles to help.
With a yawn, he sits up, feet hanging off the edge of the bed, tilting his head towards the ceiling as he yawns, letting a bit of tiredness go.
Turning off his alarm, he stands as a wave of memories crashes over him. His feet feel glued in place. All he can do is stand there, unblinking.
He partially snaps out of it. One part of his brain realizes he needs to get ready for work; the other just wants to sink into a puddle of goop.
He moves through his loft on autopilot. Not processing what he's doing, just doing it.
He snaps back into reality when he realizes he had driven to work. He steps out of his car, disoriented, looking around confused at how he didn’t crash.
He steps into the firehouse and heads straight to the changing room. He puts on his uniform. He waves and says his hellos to those downstairs, heading up to the loft.
He advances up to the loft and sees others talking, having fun. His eyes land on Eddie.
Watching him talk to Cap and Hen. All of a sudden, everything— all of his fears— come to the forefront, hitting him like a hammer.
He stands rigid, mouth slightly agape, tears cascading down his face. His breathing picks up.
All he can do is stare at Eddie. His Eddie. The one that’s leaving.
Nobody notices him until Hen spots him. She does a double take when she looks up at him.
Eyes going wide, she moves towards Buck with haste, saying his name as she comes closer.
She puts a hand on his arm and says, "Buck, what's wrong?" Worry and confusion coat her words, rubbing her thumb up and down his arm.
When he doesn't answer, she pulls him into a hug. Her hand cradles his neck, thumb resting behind his ear.
"It's okay. I got you." Hen whispers in his ear.
He can't react; all he can do is stare at Eddie, who’s looking back at him, worry slowly seeping into his face.
He's moving to stand next to Hen and asks, "What's wrong?" When he too doesn’t get an answer, he joins in the hug. "Take your time. We’re right here." Eddie reassures him.
At that, he lets out a gut-wrenching sob. He holds onto Hen with everything he has, knees locking, about to fall down, but Eddie and Hen keep him steady.
'He's lying, 𝘩𝘦'𝘴 𝘭𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨!' The sane thought repeats over and over, becoming louder. He's gonna leave; why does he have to leave? What did I do wrong?
He feels others’ eyes on him as they start to join the hug. Almost everyone has joined in on the hug, even people he doesn't really talk to here. All of them intertwined in one big embrace.
He doesn't know how long they stay there, just content; the tones haven't gone off yet.
He hears footsteps coming up the stairs. Chimney stands at the top, looking around confused. They lock eyes as he asks, "What's going on in here?"
The moment ends, the hug breaking apart. They all stand and stare at Chimney, the silence broken by the sound of laughter.
Buck just looks around smiling; it grows brighter when he realizes that Eddie's hand is still holding his bicep. 'Maybe he won't leave,' Buck thinks hopefully.