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“I’m just a person.
You soften all my sharp edges and make me into love.”
- Trivia 承: Love by BTS
There are a myriad of ways to say 'I love you’ across the various languages in existence. Off the top of his head, Alhaitham can list over sixty ways to say those three little words. He is a walking dictionary, ready to pour all this knowledge onto the person of his affections and shower them with all this love he has to give.
He’s aching to be able to do it, but he also knows that Kaveh doesn’t understand a single one of these languages. Kaveh will never be able to understand the depth of affection Alhaitham has for him with this barrier. The nice thing about this, however, is that he can at least have some fun with his confessions. Alhaitham can say it as much as he likes without Kaveh ever knowing. No consequences for his actions in case Kaveh doesn’t return his feelings.
It is unfortunate that half of the time, Alhaitham ends up blundering the opportunity to tease and makes a complete fool of himself.
One time, Alhaitham quietly declared it over breakfast. He wasn’t sure what possessed him that day. It was an ordinary morning, just like any other. Alhaitham sat at the table in their kitchen, book in one hand and Kahi with Geymar in the other as he read and ate breakfast at once. One moment he was fine and then the next Kaveh was handing him his coffee with a smile on his face. Their fingers brushed as they exchanged the mug, and suddenly, every single one of Alhaitham’s thoughts morphed into a singular one: I love you.
It was a complete slip of the tongue. He was so enraptured by the gesture that he just couldn’t help himself from confessing the feelings he had kept under wraps.
Instead of the usual ‘thank you,’ Alhaitham found himself murmuring, “te quiero.”[1]
He quickly shut his mouth, but it was already too late. The words have been uttered, and they were out in the open. Thankfully, Kaveh only looked at him in confusion before sitting down across the table to attend to his own cup of coffee. His lack of understanding ended up saving Alhaitham from a boatload of embarrassment.
Another time, the two were out shopping when they stumbled upon a sale sign outside of a store. It was Valentine’s season, so stores were looking to make a quick buck by catering to couples. This particular sign that caught Alhaitham’s attention read: SALE! Select Valentine’s gifts for 5.20!
Alhaitham chuckled as he read the sign, grabbing the sleeve of Kaveh’s sweater before pointing out the sign. “Look, 5.20.”
He watched in amusement as Kaveh’s eyes lit up after reading the sign.
“Oh! This is such a good deal! We should get all our friends gifts for Valentine’s here. Let’s see what they have,” Kaveh grabbed Alhaitham’s wrist and began to lead him inside the store.
Kaveh wasted no time, immediately walking into the aisle with the sales items, where he promptly started to pick out gifts that would suit their friends. A heart shaped pot for Tighnari, a drinking cup with a Valentine’s themed pun for Cyno, and a rose shaped eyeshadow palette for Dehya, were just a small list of the items Kaveh was nabbing as he swept through the aisle.
“Actually, I was pointing out the number on the sign, not the sale,” Alhaitham clarified as Kaveh handed him a basket and began to drop the selected items into them.
“What about it?”
Before, Kaveh had been fully focused on the plethora of items on sale, but the moment he asked the question, he fully turned to face Alhaitham, looking at him in curiosity. The pure look of intrigue coupled with the modest smile gracing his face shot straight through Alhaitham’s heart. Before he could stop himself, he was already answering like a love-struck fool.
“Wo ai ni,” Alhaitham breathlessly declared.
There was no reaction from Kaveh. How could there be, when he couldn’t even understand what was being said? Instead, he expectantly stared at Alhaitham, tilting his head in question and a glimmer of confusion in his eyes as he waited for an elaboration.
“That’s what the numbers mean,” Alhaitham quickly recovered himself as he began to explain, pointing towards the sign at the top of the aisle as he added, “It’s Chinese for ‘I love you,’ because you pronounce that number in a similar way. They’re basically using the number of love to advertise themselves for the holiday.”
“I see, that makes sense. Anybody who understands would appreciate the double meaning,” Kaveh nodded in understanding. “Wo ai ni!”
Alhaitham’s eyes widened in surprise. Cute. Kaveh was declaring those words with an unfathomable amount of excitement in his voice, face flushed bright red as if he were truly saying it. For a moment, Alhaitham’s heart skipped a beat, hope flooding into his heart as he dared to think this was an actual confession.
“Am I doing it right?” Kaveh asked, snapping Alhaitham back to reality. “Wo ai ni, wo.. ai… ni…,” he dragged out each syllable to accentuate how he was pronouncing it. “Like that?”
Of course. It wouldn’t make any sense for Kaveh to confess his feelings in the middle of a store like that. He wasn’t the one hopelessly in love with his roommate after all. He was the one who had a habit of it, even if Kaveh couldn’t understand they were declarations of love.
Unable to take the innocent look on Kaveh’s face anymore, Alhaitham averted his eyes and cleared his throat. “Good enough.”
“Good enough?! No way, it has to be perfect!” Kaveh playfully shoved his shoulder. “Just tell me if it’s right or not, enough of this ‘good enough’ bullshit!”
Alhaitham couldn’t resist a chuckle of his own, taking Kaveh’s hand as he replied, “You did it right. Now, let’s finish shopping.”
As he dragged him down the aisle, Kaveh released an array of protests, red-faced as he berated Alhaitham over brushing him off. The words came in one ear and out the other as Alhaitham nodded along, head already in the clouds as he thought about the way Kaveh’s hand felt in his.
“And another thing,” Kaveh quipped as he pulled out a miniature figurine Alhaitham had just placed into the basket, “stop buying these ugly items! You’re going to ruin the aesthetics of the apartment I worked so hard on.”
“With my hard-earned money.”
“It’s a team effort. I find the items and your salary supports the lifestyle.”
“And I’m assuming you expect me to pay for all our friends’ gifts today?” Alhaitham lifted an eyebrow in question.
“Of course, these are our gifts after all,” Kaveh chuckled. “Don’t complain, we’re getting great deals because of this sale. If we had gone anywhere else, the price tag would be quadruple what we’re paying here.”
“I won’t,” Alhaitham promised as he slipped another figurine into their basket, much to the dismay of Kaveh who sighed in defeat.
While he’s still afraid of officially telling Kaveh how he feels, he often wonders just how Kaveh would react if he actually understood what was being said.
And oh, how he longs for that. He wants nothing more than to call Kaveh every term of endearment he knows, no matter how corny or unrealistic it sounds. Who cares if it’s only said during the cheesiest proposals or in the movies? He wants Kaveh to know that he’s willing to say it at the drop of a hat to express to him just how deep his feelings are.
A single I love you isn’t enough. He needs to say it in every language he knows in order to truly convey his devotion to Kaveh.
Alhaitham watches from his seat on the divan as Kaveh bites the tip of his eraser in concentration. His heart accelerates as a pretty tongue sticks out for a half-second before quickly retreating back into those plump lips. How anyone can look so enticing hunched over their desk in the middle of their physics homework is beyond Alhaitham’s comprehension, but he’s glad Kaveh has mastered it because he is enjoying the view of the exposed sliver of skin that reveals itself whenever Kaveh’s shirt rides up.
His eyes quickly turn back to his reading as he has his own work to do, but it’s too late. The little amount of concentration he had has been completely spent, and Alhaitham finds himself struggling to even comprehend the paragraph he’s on.
From the other side of the room, he hears a sigh and the chair rolling back as Kaveh pushes himself away from the desk.
“I can’t do this tonight,” Kaveh mumbles to himself as he presses a hand to his forehead. “As much as I love math, if I have to look at one more equation, my head will explode.”
“I’m in the same boat here,” Alhaitham says as he snaps his book shut. “How about a break?”
Kaveh lifts his head up and looks at Alhaitham, eyes sparkling in interest as he sits up. “Sure, what do you suggest?”
Alhaitham shrugs. “You pick.”
“Hmm.” Kaveh stands up and joins Alhaitham on the couch, picking up the remote before leaning back. “Let’s see what’s on TV.”
They begin to surf the channels in search of something to watch, except neither of them can agree on anything. Kaveh wants to watch sci-fi while Alhaitham is more interested in historical dramas. Alhaitham spots a comedic-action movie and Kaveh immediately skips it over in favor of the horror movie that comes right after. They’re ten minutes into this argument when Kaveh switches the channel and lands on a broadcasting of a foreign drama. The two immediately stop mid-sentence to look at the TV and study the scene before them.
“What language is this?” Kaveh asks.
“Korean,” Alhaitham easily answers.
“It looks interesting, but I don’t know a single word in that language. Does this channel offer subtitles so I can follow along?”
Kaveh fiddles with the settings of the TV but alas, there is no option to turn on captioning.
“I can look up the name and see if it's on a streaming service,” Alhaitham suggests as he pulls out his phone.
Alhaitham glances over at the title of the drama before he searches for its availability. When he sees the list of streaming services, he sighs.
“For most sites we have to rent to be able to watch it, and the one place it comes with the streaming service subscription is the one we canceled last month.”
“I knew we shouldn’t have canceled Akasha,” Kaveh grumbles as he crosses his arms. “All the good shows are on there.”
“We barely watch TV anymore, and you said you were fine with the cable service the apartment came with.”
“Yeah, I just…” Kaveh glances over at the TV for a second before looking away with a resounding sigh. “I would like to understand what’s going on, you know?
“You can just ask me if you want to know. I’ve studied Korean.”
“Alright, show off your Korean to me. Tell me what is happening in the scene,” Kaveh pushes himself up and looks at Alhaitham in curiosity. “I want to know every detail.”
Alhaitham turns to the TV and watches the scene play out. Two men are arguing, on the brink of tears as they say everything on their minds and nothing in their hearts. One man grabs his suitcase and turns to leave but the other man grabs his legs as he crumbles to the ground, clinging onto him for dear life as he cries and begs him to stay.
A brief montage of all the happy moments they shared together plays to the tune of a ballad, amplifying how tragic the scene is for them. It’s so moving, Alhaitham finds himself unable to mask the sadness in his voice as he explains to Kaveh the words being exchanged between the characters.
“I’m missing some context, but it seems like the guy who is leaving left because his lover’s bitter ex lied to him and said that she’s engaged to him now,” Alhaitham explains. “So he thinks he’s been cheated on, when in reality, she is just trying to split them up so she can get back with her ex.”
“Wow,” Kaveh says breathlessly, a tear rolling down his face as the two of them watch the two lovers on the TV finally go their separate ways, both of them crying alone as their heart aches for each other. “That’s…” He turns to Alhaitham, eyes still watering as he asks, “And will either of them ever know the truth?”
“I don’t know, we’d have to keep watching to find out.” Alhaitham shrugs.
“Man, I really wish I understood Korean,” Kaveh sighs as he wipes away his tears. “I bet even with subtitles I’d miss out on some phrases unique to the language.”
“You’re right, the translation in the subtitles often go for the simplest way to understand the phrase being said. When idioms and slang unique to the language appear, you are often left with a looser interpretation, enough to get the gist of it but still severely missing needed context in order to make an impact. If you’re that curious, I could tell you about some of them,” Alhaitham offers.
“Really?” Kaveh’s face lights up as he inches closer to Alhaitham. “Then tell me something, anything.”
“Kaveh, I just can’t tell you something random when there are hundreds of things I could say. You have to pick a topic.”
“Hmm,” Kaveh ponders for a moment, still watching the TV in keen interest before he turns back to Alhaitham, grinning ear to ear. “Tell me what is the most romantic phrase you’ve ever heard. Any language. In fact, it has to be out of all languages, what you think is the most romantic.”
“That’s tough, there are a lot of good ones,” Alhaitham answers, rummaging through every option in his brain. This is a chance for him to show off his expertise, but also to show his affection for Kaveh without being obvious. He has to select something romantic enough to make Kaveh’s heart melt but subtle enough to make sure he doesn’t reveal his true feelings and put themselves in an awkward position. “You’re going to need to narrow it down further.”
“Since it sparked the conversation, how about in Korean?”
That helps narrow down the field to just a singular fact that he can share. In fact, it’s exactly what he’s looking for. A golden opportunity has been placed onto his lap, and he’s going to take full advantage of it.
“It’s not necessarily a phrase, but more like an observation,” Alhaitham begins as he grabs a pen and paper. “Hangul is actually extremely easy to learn given that it consists of twenty four basic letters: fourteen consonants and ten vowels. There are also an additional twenty-seven complex letters, but it’s still easy to pick up the alphabet. Because of this, you can get some interesting similarities between words. For example, this is how you write ‘person’ in Korean. You see how the second part has a rectangle at the bottom?”
사람
Kaveh nods in understanding as Alhaitham writes a second word next to it.
사랑
“This is how you write ‘love.’ Do you see the similarities?”
He slides the paper over to Kaveh, allowing him to carefully examine the two words. Alhaitham observes as Kaveh’s eyes dart back and forth between them, soaking up every detail. He raises an eyebrow in question before he purses his lips, fitting the pieces together.
“They’re almost identical,” Kaveh points out. His finger lands on ‘love’ as he points at the bottom of the second letter. “Except this is a circle instead of a rectangle.”
“Exactly; there is a song that talks about love referring to how you write the words in Hangul. When you remove the edges of a rectangle and make them round, you get a circle,” Alhaitham explains as he turns to Kaveh. “Love softens out a person’s edges, making them well-rounded. It offers them perspectives they’ve never seen before, and fundamentally, changes them for the better.”
Kaveh looks up at Alhaitham, eyes as bright as the sun as he says, “Wow, I know I asked for something romantic but I didn’t expect you to come up with something as profound as that.” He leans into Alhaitham and playfully nudges his shoulder. “Who knew you were such a romantic?”
Alhaitham feels his ears grow hot as he darts his eyes away from Kaveh. “It’s just an observation anyone studying the language will be able to make. That’s all.”
“Okay, okay, I’ll lay off the teasing,” Kaveh giggles as he stands up. “That was a really good choice though.”
He stretches his arms out, shirt riding just high enough to expose a little bit of his stomach. Alhaitham’s eyes are laser-focused on that newly exposed skin as he yearns to touch it.
“I have more if you want to learn,” Alhaitham blurts out before he can even have second thoughts.
Kaveh pauses his stretch to turn to Alhaitham, a far away look in his eye as he considers the proposition.
“Anything. Any topic you choose. Any language you want to learn about. I’ll tell you.”
“Okay.” Kaveh nonchalantly shrugs as he sits back down onto the couch. “Tell me more then.”
“What would you like to know?”
Kaeh purses his lips as he thinks, eyes looking off into the distance before declaring, “How about wedding traditions?”
“What about them?”
“What’s one you like?”
“One I like…” Alhaitham considers Kaveh’s request as he racks his brain for something. “Well, in China, there’s a tradition of giving chopsticks to a newly wedded couple if you wish to grant them happiness since the pronunciation of the word ‘chopsticks’ is similar to that of ‘happiness.’ But you can also send other messages through your gifts, including negative ones. If you want them to break up, you give sharp objects like scissors since they’re considered bad luck and symbolize wanting to cut ties. No black or white items since they’re colors associated with funerals. And if you want to send them a death threat, you give clocks.”
Kaveh tilts his head in question as he nearly snorts out, “Clocks?”
“The phrase ‘giving a clock’ is similar to the phrase ‘attending a funeral.’ I guess it can be taken as an inauspicious statement like ‘I’m attending your funeral,’ if you want to take it that far.”
“Can you imagine the drama of attending a wedding and somebody gives the couple a clock?” Kaveh asks. “I would be dying to know what the couple did to wrong them.”
“Have you considered that perhaps the gifter is just evil?”
Kaveh giggles, “Well, you can rest easy knowing that I won’t give you a clock when you get married.”
“I sure hope not because you’re getting scissors from me.”
“Aw,” Kaveh coos.” That’s very sweet of you一 wait, didn’t you just say that symbolizes that you wish for the couple to break up?!”
Instead of answering, Alhaitham simply shrugs before crossing his arms.
“You asshole! Why would you do that?!” Kaveh whines as he shakes him. “You’re joking! Please tell me you’re joking!”
“I’m not,” he deadpans. “I am completely serious about that being the wedding gift you will receive from me.”
“You’re so joking! Look! You’re trying to hide that ridiculous smirk you have whenever you want to tease me.” Kaveh’s finger presses against the corner of Alhaitham’s lips. “I can just see it turning up the slightest bit!”
Alhaitham pries the hand off his face as he snorts. “Observant as ever. It’s astounding that you manage to catch the smaller details and yet still fail to see the bigger picture.”
“Okay, okay enough joking around. But since you wanna be silly, how about a cheesy way to say ‘I love you?’”
“Aishiteru, has got to be one of the cheesiest ways to say it.”
Kaveh’s jaw drops in surprise. “What?! It’s so common in anime though! I hear it all the time!”
“Exactly. Did you know out of all the ways to say 'I love you[2]’ in Japanese, most people will reserve this one for proposals for that exact reason?” Alhaitham kneels down on one knee and holds out his hand. “Aishiteru, Kaveh, will you marry me?”
Kaveh is shaking, holding back his laughter as he takes Alhaitham’s hand. “What’s gotten into you? You’re making too many jokes today. Did you do something?”
“Nothing is wrong,” Alhaitham assures him.
“You didn’t do the dishes? Left the study a mess after I asked you to put away the books? Fess up, I know you, so you’ve had to have done something.”
“Just answer my question.”
“I’m not answering a serious question when it’s said in jest.” Kaveh snorts, releasing Alhaitham’s hand.
A frown begins to tug at the corner of Alhaitham’s mouth, but he manages to keep his expression neutral.
“And if I was serious?” Alhaitham queries. “Would you answer me then?”
“Seriously, what did you do? Are you trying to hide one of your sculptures from me again?” Kaveh asks in return, completely ignoring the question as he looks behind Alhaitham in search of something. “Just drop the act and confess already.”
“You want me to confess?” Alhaitham pushes himself off the ground. “Je t’aime[3], Kaveh.”
He says it with all his heart, but he already knows the result will be the same as always. Kaveh blankly stares at him, lips parted as he gasps. A hint of recognition sparkles in his eyes, as if he is finally connecting the dots. Alhaitham’s heart stops. Did he… actually understand that? Is this the moment he’s been dreaming about for years? When Alhaitham tells him he loves him and Kaveh fully understands what he says when he does?
Is Alhaitham ready for that?
“What did you just say?”
“My confession,” Alhaitham replies as he turns away from Kaveh, masking his disappointment.
The momentum is lost just as quickly as it had built up. He’s not sure why his heart begins to sink. It’s the same result he’s been expecting all along, so why is this any different?
“You’re not going to explain?!”
“You can look it up.”
“No.” Kaveh grabs his shoulder, gripping onto the fabric of his shirt. “You have to tell me.”
Alhaitham turns back to Kaveh, only to find himself staring into pleading eyes. There’s a hint of desperation in Kaveh’s voice as he presses his lips together.
“Please,” Kaveh begs. “I want to know what you’re saying.”
“Why?”
“Because if you really mean what you say, I should be able to understand you.”
This time, it’s Alhaitham’s turn to be at a loss for words. Being able to render a man fluent in over twenty languages speechless seems impossible, and yet, Kaveh has been able to do just that. Alhaitham’s heart pounds as he realizes he’s been backed into a corner. There is nothing he can say or do that will get Kaveh to back down, not unless he hears the words he wants Alhaitham to say. Now that he’s facing the fact that he actually has to confess, part of him realizes that he’s not ready to live through the consequences of that. He’s spent so long pining after Kaveh that he’s grown accustomed to hiding these feelings. It’s like a secret that’s long overdue to come out, and yet it stubbornly remains inside a locked chest. A locked chest whose key has been thrown out and forgotten about because Alhaitham is too much of a coward to face reality.
And that’s the truth of it all, isn’t it? The whole reason he can never say those words in a language Kaveh can understand. He’s simply too afraid to live in a world where his feelings are known, because he doesn’t know what that world is like. There’s too many variables that are out of his control, too many possibilities that Alhaitham can’t count. His current position is safe and secure, and confessing changes everything.
Alhaitham will never be ready, which is exactly why he has to do it. This cocoon he has wrapped around himself is preventing him from being able to fully spread his wings, and now, it’s time for him to fly. Fly into the unknown, and discover what truly waits for him on the other side.
His hand shakes as he cups Kaveh’s face, bringing their faces close as he declares, “It means I love you.”
They hold there for what feels like eternity. Kaveh remains silent, face turning red as he processes the words. Part of Alhaitham wants to take it all back, but he knows there’s no way to do that now. The truth is now in the air, and his fate is completely in the hands of Kaveh.
“I’ve always wanted to say that,” he adds after a moment. “And I have. I’ve done it countless times without you ever knowing. And I’ll say it countless times after, because it’s true. I’ve been in love with you for years. Tu es mon autre moitié. It means you are my other half, and I’ve always felt that way about you, and no matter how you feel about me; it’s how I’ll continue to feel about you until my last dying breath.”
Silence. Kaveh stares at him like he has two heads, eyes as wide as saucers as his mouth parts, and yet, no words come out.
“Are you going to say something, or are you going to continue to let me pour my entire heart out to you like some fool?”
Instead of answering, Kaveh grabs the collar of his shirt and pulls him in. Their lips meet in the middle and clash for what may just be the clumsiest kiss known to man. Alhaitham doesn’t care; he’s too focused on the way Kaveh’s lips feel against his, how he tastes like the fruit and coffee he loves so much, and the mere fact that he’s actually kissing the only person he’ll ever love. It’s desperate, it’s rough, Alhaitham is almost sure they’re just bruising each other, but it can’t be any more perfect for a first kiss, because it’s with Kaveh.
Kaveh is the first to pull away, and as they both catch their breaths, the first thing Alhaitham sees is the sparkle in those crimson eyes, accompanied by those enticing lips that have now quirked up into the form of a smile.
“You are a fool,” Kaveh states. “You’re the biggest fool I’ve ever known. It took me a while but I finally figured you out. You’re always saying things in languages I don’t understand, but you’re always saying the same thing over and over. You think I won’t catch on eventually?”
Alhaitham looks at him in surprise. “How did you figure it out?”
“Your tone. No matter what language you use, it’s always in the same tone, like you are incapable of saying it in any other way because while you can hide behind languages I don’t know, you can’t hide your feelings for me.”
He leans into Alhaitham, fire in those alluring eyes as he whispers, “Isn’t that right, azizam?”[4]
Alhaitham lets out a small chuckle. “I guess you’ve finally cracked the code.”
“Tch,” Kaveh clicks tongue as he looks away. “I thought that would break you.”
“On the contrary, it’s going to make me the happiest man alive.” He takes Kaveh by the waist and pulls him in. “Te deseo.”[5] He presses his lips against Kaveh’s cheek. “Eres la luz de mi vida.”[6]
“That tickles,” Kaveh giggles in his arms. “But, I heard you loud and clear, and I feel the same way.”
Alhaitham perks up. “You do?”
“Mhm,” Kaveh nods. “Or would you prefer I say dooset daram[7] to get it through your thick skull?”
“Doesn’t matter the language, I’ll understand any way you say it, meri jaan.”[8]
Kaveh rolls his eyes. “You still have to tell me what you’re actually saying, even if I got the gist of it.”
“Gladly,” Alhaitham litters Kaveh’s face in kisses, earning him additional giggles.
“I mean now, Alhaitham,” Kaveh demands between his fits of laughter.
“It all just means fadat misham.”[9]
“You’re so unserious,” Kaveh shakes his head as he lightly shoves at Alhaitham’s chest. “You know you can’t just say that.”
“But I just did, and I’m always serious about my declarations to you”
Alhaitham loves the pink flush and the wide smile on Kaveh’s face as he glares at him. “You’re too sappy for your own good, you know that?”
“You like it.”
“Yeah,” Kaveh admits as he leans into Alhaitham. “I do.”