Chapter Text
Valerie seemed like a great addition to their friend group. Everyone really liked her, Nick included. She was kind, thoughtful, and insanely funny. She felt like a little sister to Nick, who quickly took her under his wing just like the rest of them had.
Val had transferred to Truham for sixth form just a few months into the school year, around November. She latched onto Sahar pretty quickly, and from there, she was soon integrated into their friend group. She’d blossomed from the shy, timid girl to the enthusiastic, outgoing person she was now.
Nick liked her a lot. It seemed everyone else did, too. Except for maybe Charlie.
It didn’t quite make sense. Charlie was so personable and so was Valerie. They had a lot in common, both loving music and maths and classics. Val was open-minded and considerate. There was no way she’d ever be disrespectful about anyone’s sexuality or Charlie’s disorders. But Nick could feel every time Charlie stiffened when she arrived, could see the way he was just barely fighting back a grimace. He would shrink into himself, not speaking much or engaging with anyone else. He’d sometimes even step away from Nick. There were a small handful of occasions where Charlie had even left altogether.
Needless to say, Nick knew that there was something wrong between Charlie and Valerie. But Charlie never spoke up about it. Even when Nick brought it up, when he asked Charlie what was wrong between him and Val, Charlie didn’t say, just grinned and beared it. Nick had also tried talking to Valerie about it, but it made her so sad and insecure that Nick resolved to not bring it up to her again.
It was frustrating. As time went on, Nick was starting to get annoyed with his boyfriend. Clearly, he had some sort of issue with Valerie but he refused to say or even try to work it out. It was making things tense and making Nick feel like he was pulled in two different directions, between Charlie and the rest of their friends.
Nick wandered through the Truham corridors, on his way to the art room. Charlie had taken up sitting in Mr. Ajayi’s room during lunch instead of sitting out at the picnic tables with the rest of their friends. It sometimes left Nick feeling a bit isolated from the rest of their friends, but he was Charlie’s boyfriend and thus was expected to meet him there.
Charlie was sitting at the table where he usually was, having already taken his lunch out and sifting through what he had. Nick knew the meal plan like the back of his hand, like the lyrics to his favorite song. He didn’t even have to look to know that Charlie had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, cut vertically, along with crisps, carrot sticks, and apple slices. Lately, Charlie had been finding lunch particularly difficult to eat — if Nick had to guess, it had something to do with eating at school rather than at home — and so had been sticking to more rigid portions and following his meal plan closely. It took him usually the whole lunch period to finish his food, if he did at all. It was really the only reason Nick didn’t mind eating away from their friends. Clearly, Charlie needed some time to himself to eat, and Nick would never begrudge him that or try to take it away.
“What have we got today?” Nick asked, despite the fact that both of them knew that Nick had the meal plan memorized from cover to cover, including the typo in Tuesday’s snack plans.
Charlie looked into his lunch box, chewing on his lip. “Sandwich, carrots, apples, and crisps.”
Nick nodded. “Sounds tasty.”
Charlie shrugged one shoulder. “Guess so.” He kept staring down at his meal, not eating, his hands stuffed under his thighs. Nick knew it was time to distract him.
“So, your maths exam was today, yeah? How do you think it went?”
Charlie sighed. He picked up half of his sandwich and studied it, then took a full bite. Nick cheered internally as he chewed. Usually, Charlie didn’t start with the bigger things, instead usually having chosen the carrots or apple slices. He swallowed and then said, “Yeah, I think it went well.”
“I’m sure it did,” Nick said, “you’re my little genius.” He offered Charlie a smile as he unpacked his own lunch. It was a mirror of Charlie’s, except bigger portions. Nick had noticed that sometimes Charlie found it easier to eat his own meal if it was similar to what those around him had. He didn’t always enjoy what was on the meal plan — he wasn’t much a fan of the turkey and cheese sandwiches they ate on Tuesdays, and Nick sometimes missed the chicken nuggets they served in the canteen, plus the monotony sometimes got to him — but it made Charlie feel more comfortable with eating, so Nick sucked it up and packed his lunch accordingly. Nick unwrapped his sandwich and took a bite, preferring to eat the same things when Charlie did.
Charlie offered him a smile that didn’t quite meet his eyes. “I dunno. I’ve been having trouble getting back into everything.”
Nick nodded. It had only been about a month since Charlie came back to school, four months since he first left for the hospital. “That’s understandable.” He leaned in closer, brushing his elbow against Charlie’s arm. “You’re allowed to take your time, y’know.”
“I know,” Charlie said. “I just wish I didn’t have to.”
Nick hummed. “I know. But everything will be okay. I know it will. You’re the most dedicated person I’ve ever met, and I know that you will figure out how to make it work for you.”
Charlie smiled again, though this time it looked much more genuine. Nick had noticed that the best ways to reassure Charlie were a delicate dance of making sure he didn’t put pressure on him, but also not saying anything that implied the results might be out of his control, alongside making sure Charlie didn’t think they thought he had to settle in any way. It meant a lot of missteps, especially in the beginning. But Nick quickly learned that vague reassurances like “everything will be okay” or abstract faith like “it’ll all work itself out” or trying to meet him where he was now in ways like “you’re doing your best, and that’s enough” were never good for Charlie to hear. No, Charlie needed to know that his future was in his hands and people didn’t expect him to settle for mediocre. People didn’t expect less of him because of all he’d gone through. And, truthfully, Nick didn’t; if anything, it showed that Charlie was capable of so much more than they’d ever thought possible. It was just tricky to make sure that Nick put that into words, every time, without making Charlie feel it was rehearsed.
Nick didn’t mind. It was difficult sometimes, and he often felt like he might make the wrong move, but it was worth it to see how well Charlie was doing. He’d come so far in just a few short months. Nick honestly couldn’t be prouder of him.
They worked through their lunches to the tune of Nick’s easy chatter about anything he could think of. He strayed from sensitive topics, keeping to more comfortable territory, like their friends or the dogs or his mum. Charlie was receptive, happily cooing and giggling at a video of Henry in which Nick was desperately trying to teach him to sit on command. Spoiler: it was not working.
By the time lunch was over, Charlie had finished nearly his whole meal. Nick felt giddy when he saw, squeezing Charlie tight and pressing smacking kisses to his face. Charlie laughed and squirmed, pressing against Nick’s chest while also seeming perfectly content where he was. Neither of them mentioned why Nick may have done it, and neither of them brought up how much Charlie had eaten. Regardless, Nick walked him hand in hand to his next class, ghosted a kiss on the dimple in his cheek, then left to his own classroom.
This was Nick’s second favorite class of the day. Nothing could beat getting to sit and goof around with Charlie in form, but in history he got to sit with Sahar, Valerie, and the rugby trio. It helped that Nick wasn’t all that bad at the subject, but even if he was, the six of them were all sat at one table and tended to entertain themselves and each other quite a bit.
When Nick sat down, the five of them were already laughing about something, their faces red with exertion. Nick raised his brows at them, amused, and asked, “What’s so funny?”
They all did their best to catch their breath. Sahar tried to explain, but this just set them all off again. Eventually, she said, “You had to be there.”
Nick nodded, trying not to feel left out. Valerie rested her hand on Nick’s and gave him a shy smile. “We missed you at lunch.”
Nick shrugged, trying not to show just how much he wished he could’ve been there, too. “Charlie and I like to eat alone.”
“I bet you do,” Chris said suggestively. He made obnoxious kissing noises. Nick shoved his face away from him, laughing.
“We just eat!” Nick argued.
“Eat each other, maybe,” Sai muttered. Nick subtly flipped him off so their instructor wouldn’t see.
“Where do you two usually eat?” Valerie asked him.
Nick busied himself taking out his class materials as he answered, “The art room, mostly. Charlie feels most comfortable there.”
“But what about you?” She pressed.
He paused, looking up at her with furrowed brows. “What do you mean?”
“What do you want to do?” She clarified. “Seems like he’s always making decisions for both of you.”
Nick wasn’t sure exactly what to say to that. Out of the corner of his eye, the lads shifted uncomfortably. Finally, Sai spoke up, saying, “Pretty sure Nick likes it that way.”
“He’d follow Charlie to the ends of the earth, I think,” Otis added.
Nick shot them a bashful smile. “I like making him happy.”
“But shouldn’t you get to be happy too?” Valerie pressed.
Nick’s smile faded again. “I am happy. Charlie’s my boyfriend. I like making him happy. That makes me happy too.”
“I bet it does,” Otis said, wiggling his eyebrows.
Nick rolled his eyes with a groan. “Don’t you three know how to think about anything else?”
They laughed and the conversation quickly carried on. Still, in the back of his mind, Nick couldn’t stop thinking about what Valerie had said. He genuinely didn’t really understand what she meant by it. Nick was happiest with Charlie. Sometimes that meant making sacrifices, like spending their lunch sequestered away in the art room instead of out socializing with their friends and soaking up the sun. But realistically, the few times Charlie had requested being completely alone, Nick had been miserable, too busy worrying about his boyfriend to enjoy the time with their friends. It was a choice Nick made everyday, and one he didn’t regret or second-guess. He loved Charlie, plain and simple. It wasn’t always easy, but Nick didn’t mind. Not if it meant he got to bask in the little moments they had every day.
***
Nick met up with Charlie and Tori outside, happily taking his boyfriend’s hand. Charlie smiled up at him, looking at ease. It was rare that Charlie looked relaxed lately, so Nick soaked it in while he could.
“Hi,” he said softly. He pressed a chaste kiss to Charlie’s lips, ignoring the fake gagging sounds from Tori. Charlie glared at his sister, though he couldn’t quite suppress his growing smile.
“Hi,” Charlie answered him, his small smile still stuck on his face. Nick squeezed his hand and boarded the bus alongside the siblings.
The bus ride back to the Spring house was uneventful, with Charlie leaning his head on Nick’s shoulder for the duration of the ride. It was clear from that alone that Charlie had had a long day; he rarely indulged in such PDA in the light of day. He only really did something like this when he really needed the comfort. Nick wished he knew why, but he was at least glad that his presence could make it a little bit better.
Snack time was typically a tumultuous affair, though one that needed to be done. Today was no different; Charlie put up his usual fight, arguing that he’d eat more at dinner, but Nick and Tori both refused to budge. They’d implemented snacks pretty early on after realizing that when Charlie felt hungry, it was easier for him to lean into that hunger. When he was eating smaller meals regularly, he never let himself get hungry, and it made it easier to keep away from all the feelings and connotations that came with an empty stomach. Nick sat on one side of him, Tori on the other, all of them eating painstakingly slowly until their plates were cleared.
Finally, they were able to retire up to Charlie’s room. Charlie immediately tugged Nick to the bed, curling into him the second he was able. Nick wrapped his arms tight around his boyfriend and pressed kisses to his head, idly stroking his back as he waited for whatever came next.
“Today was a long day,” Charlie finally said.
Nick hummed. “Was there something bad?”
Charlie shrugged. He turned his face further into Nick’s chest. Muffled, he said, “I dunno. Not really anything in particular. Just… long.”
Nick pressed a lingering kiss to Charlie’s curls. “I’m sorry.”
“S’not your fault.”
“I know,” Nick answered, “but I still wish I could make it easier for you.”
Charlie sighed. He shifted, moving back so that they could look at each other. “Sometimes I wonder if you do too much for me.”
Nick furrowed his brows. “What do you mean?”
“It’s just…” Charlie let out a long sigh, averting his gaze. “You’re not supposed to be dealing with all of this. It’s supposed to be easier for you.” Charlie chewed his lip, so Nick stayed quiet, sensing his boyfriend had more to say. His patience was rewarded when Charlie continued, “I hate that I’ve made your life so much harder. It’s what I’ve always done. I made it harder when I made a rift between you and your friends, and I made it harder when you were still in the closet and I put pressure on you to come out, I made it harder when you came out and everyone was saying stuff about us, and now I’m making it harder every day you have to watch after me. You put up with so much for me and I feel like all I do is take from you. Seems like you’d be happier without me.”
Nick swallowed thickly. He blinked a few times, not wanting Charlie to see him cry, then cleared his throat so his voice wasn’t so strained. “None of that is true,” he finally offered. He still sounded a bit too close to tears for his own liking, but he paid it no attention. “Charlie, you make me so happy. Every second I get to be with you is worth every bit of everything else.” He sighed and trailed his hand down Charlie’s arm until he could lace their fingers together. “Look, I can’t say it’s been easy, because it hasn’t. And, yeah, sometimes it’s been scary. But that doesn’t mean you make my life harder or worse. You’ve always made me happy, Charlie. That hasn’t changed.”
Charlie looked less than convinced. “It just seems like you’re always sacrificing so much for me, and you get nothing out of it.”
“I get to see your smile,” Nick argued. “I get to make you laugh. I get to cuddle you, and kiss you. I get to be the one you go to when you’re having a bad day. That’s not nothing, Charlie, not to me. I don’t think of it as a sacrifice for you. The way I see it, I get to see you smile and make you laugh. I get to make all of this a bit easier for you. That’s really special to me, Charlie. I would never trade that for anything.”
Charlie looked up at him, eyes wide and wet. “You promise?”
Nick leaned over and pressed a chaste, lingering kiss to Charlie’s lips. “I swear on my life. Charlie Spring, you are my gift.”
***
Nick didn’t need his friends laughing at him; he could very much feel the way his face lit up at the sight of Charlie standing by his locker.
Nick jogged over through the crowded halls, just managing to stop himself from lifting Charlie off the ground in a hug. Instead, he settled for nearly shaking out of his skin with excitement. “What are you doing here? We always meet in the art room for lunch.”
Charlie offered him a nervous but genuine smile. “I want to try eating with everyone else today.”
If they weren’t in public, Nick would be kissing his face off. As it was, he settled for giving his boyfriend an encouraging smile and grabbed his lunch from his locker. He laced their hands together as all of their friends walked together to the picnic tables, meeting Sahar, Tao, Isaac, and Valerie for lunch.
“Hey!” Sahar called cheerfully as they walked up.
Charlie smiled. “Mind if I join you lot today?”
He got a series of delighted responses and even Isaac looked up from his book to give Charlie a wide grin. Nick sat down, pulling Charlie with him so that they were sitting side by side.
“Nick, I can practically see your puppy tail wagging,” Tao spoke up, deadpan.
Nick blushed, feeling caught out. “I’m just happy.”
Truthfully, he was thrilled. This was the biggest step Charlie had made in his progress since leaving in-patient. Eating around others who weren’t his immediate family or Nick was absolutely huge, and not only that, but he was eating in public. Nick hadn’t expected such a leap. Part of him was maybe worried that Charlie had, for lack of a better term, bit off more than he could chew, but his boyfriend looked resolute as he took out his lunch and set it on the table in front of himself, determined. Nick copied his actions, surveying their lunches. They were, of course, the same; turkey and cheddar sandwich, crisps, and apple slices, just different portion sizes.
“So,” Valerie spoke up suddenly, “I was thinking that we should go to the mall again soon. Like when we all went to see Santa!”
Sahar nodded. “That could be fun. We’ll have to talk to the Higgs group.”
“You all went to see Santa?”
Nick glanced over at Charlie, who had yet to pick up any of his food. Nick swallowed his bite, trying his best to swallow down his nerves, too. “We did.”
“Back in November,” Valerie continued, likely not realizing the way the conversation would switch. “A bit early, but we figured it was best to get it out of the way before everyone else.”
Truthfully, they just wanted to try to avoid Charlie feeling left out, knowing he wouldn’t be able to brave that kind of interaction in December. They’d wanted to keep some sort of normalcy, trying desperately to hold themselves together when they’d all felt poised to fall apart. Nick hadn’t really wanted to go, and a lot of them clearly hadn’t, but Val had insisted that they should go and try to ‘revive the spirit.’ It had been fun, but they’d all felt the missing piece.
“Oh,” Charlie said softly. He looked down at his lap. Nick took his hand and gave it a brief squeeze.
“We could go to the mall,” Nick offered. He needed to save this, somehow, someway. “We should stop in the bookstore.”
“Count me in,” Isaac remarked with a smirk. Nick grinned at his friend.
Valerie sounded a bit disappointed. “Oh. That… could be fun, I guess.”
“Well, what were you thinking?” Sai asked her.
She perked up a bit. “Well, I was thinking we could try that new sushi restaurant. It looks really good.”
Nick winced. “I don’t think so.”
Val just about wilted; Nick felt a twinge of guilt. “Why?”
How did Nick answer that? Charlie was firm in not wanting Valerie to know anything about his mental illnesses, and Nick had been happy to oblige. While Nick and their friends trusted Val, Charlie didn’t know her, and he barely trusted most of them with that information.
Charlie rested a hand on Nick’s knee. “That sounds like fun. You guys should go.”
Nick blinked at his boyfriend. “What? No!”
“We’re not doing anything without you,” Tao agreed, sounding almost angry. “You’re our best friend. We’re not leaving you out.”
“There’s things some of us can’t or don’t want to do,” Charlie argued, “that doesn’t mean none of us can do them.”
“Name one thing the rest of us would do while leaving out one person,” Tao retorted. He crossed his arms over his chest, brows raised high.
Charlie curled slightly into himself. “I dunno,” he answered meekly.
Tao softened, dropping his arms again. “Charlie, I’d rather do nothing for the rest of my life than exclude anyone, let alone you. If you really want everyone else to go out, fine, but you and I can do something together.”
“I was gonna say that!” Nick chimed in. “You cannot go on a date with my boyfriend, Tao, I was gonna call it.”
“Well, I did first, so I win,” Tao argued. Nick stuck his tongue out at him. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Charlie crack a smile.
“We could do something all together,” Sai offered, “if some want, they could go to the sushi restaurant, then we could all meet at the bookstore.”
“That’s a perfect idea,” said Sahar.
“Good,” Chris said, “‘cause I didn’t wanna say it, but I hate fish.”
“They don’t have only fish,” Val said quietly. “And… I was sort of hoping we could all go together. You know, as a friend-thing.”
Nick saw in his peripheral as Charlie cowered slightly. “I really don’t want anyone missing out on anything because of me–”
“Not because of you,” Chris argued. “I still don’t like fish.”
“It’s not just fish,” Valerie said again.
“Regardless,” Nick said firmly, “I don’t want to go anywhere where you’re not.”
Charlie didn’t look pleased by this. “We could… try…”
Nick, Tao, and Isaac all looked at each other, eyes wide and fearful. Nick sighed and leaned over. “Look, I’ll tell you something, if you promise not to tell my mum.”
Charlie looked up at him, brows furrowed. “Why would–”
“Promise me, Charlie.”
Nervous, Charlie nodded.
Nick sighed again. “Honestly,” he bit his lip, not quite ready to reveal his darkest secret, but willing to do just about anything for his boyfriend. He looked into Charlie’s eyes, thinking about all that Charlie had done, all that they both had persevered through.
“I hate fish, too.”
Charlie blinked at him. Then, he burst into laughter. He shouted, “Sarah would be heartbroken!”
“That’s why you can’t tell her,” Nick said through his own laughter. Charlie leaned into him, his giggles dying down, but his mirth still shining on his face, eyes crinkled with his smile. Nick loved him so much.
“Your secret’s safe with me,” Charlie said.
“I know,” Nick answered. He chanced a lightning-quick kiss on Charlie’s head. “And thank God, too, because Mum would be heartbroken to find out she wouldn’t be able to cook fish and chips anymore.”
Charlie smiled up at him, eyes shining. “Your mum is a saint.”
“That, she is,” Nick agreed.
“So, we’ll tell the rest of the girls, then,” Sahar said. “The restaurant for whoever wants, then we’ll all meet at the bookstore?”
Nick gasped and turned to Charlie. “Let’s pick out books for each other.”
Charlie looked hesitant. “I dunno, Nick, we have very… differing tastes in these things…”
“I’ll pick something you’ll like,” Nick promised. “I know you so well, Charlie, it’ll be fun. I wanna know what you’d choose for me.” He leaned in closer, muttering, “I know it’s, like, a dream date for you.”
Charlie blushed. “Okay.”
Nick grinned and squeezed him. “Yes! This weekend?”
“Sounds fun,” Sai spoke up.
“I’m in, too,” Tao said.
Everyone else agreed. Nick was so excited.
By the time lunch was over, Charlie hadn’t eaten more than a few apple slices, but Nick knew this was progress. He’d gone outside, sat in front of his food with his friends, and had eaten a bit with everyone. Nick wanted to smother him with kisses. All he could do was squeeze his hand and try not to look too happy.