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"What if I blow up the bat enclousure instead? That sends a message."
"A threatening one."
"Well, yeah, but that's exactly the message I want to send!"
"I thought you said you only wanted to get his attention, babes."
"Ughhhhh…" Joker slid down the chair, throwing his head back onto the headrest. "Who even cares! Not him. Not anymore. I guess I was nothing but a fling to him! A one night fight."
Harley skated to stand just behind the chair, her head directly above where Joker's rested on top of it. "It's been three days, mistah J."
"Three days of SILENCE!" He flipped over on the chair, kneeling on the cushion to face Harley behind him. "He hasn't done any thwarting, or detecting, or even just swooping in to say 'hi!'."
"Hun, there's been plenty of times where you two haven't come in contact for three days."
"Yeah, but those times were different!" He pushed himself up on the headrest to be eye-to-eye with Harley. "We just saved the entire city together, AND professed our undying hatred towards each other! I kinda expected that he would want to talk about it, or meet up or at least fight me like normal. It might be the Joker Chemicals ™ talking-"
"-Thirty-four percent sulfuric acid. Five percent chromium solution. Zinc sulfide, doped with copper, which gives it its green glow-"
"-but I don't think ignoring your greatest enemy's consistent, destructive explosions is what you're supposed to do."
Harley sighed. "Babes, a love confession isn't the end-all be-all of a relationship. These things take time! Remember when me and Ivy first got together?"
Joker huffed, knowing that he was now trapped within one of Harley's 'ultimately-correct-and-good-for-you-but-still-annoying' lectures. "Yeah?"
"And how long did it take for us to illegally elope?"
Joker groaned, flopping his entire upper body over the back of the chair, his answer muffled by the fabric.
"How long?"
He lifted his head up to look at Harley, who was now crouched down to meet him at his level. "Five years."
"Exactly, puddin! We didn't even have our first official date until a week after we confessed! I understand that you've been waitin' for this for a long time-"
"76 years, 11 months, and 5 days." He said it instantly, almost breaking into tears by the '5'.
"-but Batman hasn't! He needs time to grow and reflect on this development, especially given just how much he was forced to confront his fears and deep, deep emotional repression in the past few days. Give him time. And, hey-" She grabbed his dangling arms, and pushed him up so he was back to kneeling on the chair. "-absense makes the heart grow fonder, don't it?"
Joker did an incredibly long vocal fry, not unlike a creaking door, before sighing, beginning to play around absentmindedly with Harley's hands, twisting them in their sockets, picking at the imperfections in the plastic molding. "I guess… but I still wanna talk to him!"
"Look, if something happens that gets his attention, and you have a chance encounter, you can talk to him. But I feel that this is one of those times where you're gonna have to let him set his own pace."
Their conversation was interuppted by the sound of a creaking door, not unlike an incredibly long vocal fry. The head of a small boy popped out from behind it, large, vunerable blue eyes made even larger by a pair of thick-rimmed glasses cautiously scanning Joker and Harley's expressions.
"Um… is it okay if I crash here for a bit? And make it look like you kidnapped me?"
Joker glanced at Harley, who bit her lip before sighing, shrugging while shaking her head. This wasn't what she had in mind when talking about something happening, but it wasn't like Joker had actually kidnapped him with the intent of luring Batman into their abode.
"Of course it's okay, my future stepchild!"
"If this goes according to plan, that is."
"What?"
"Nothing! Nothing, no- wait, Harley, ma'am, Mrs? Do you rollerskate? I've always wanted to rollerskate, It's just so-"
—-
Barbara dodged another Bat-stress ball unknowingly thrown at her, annoyed, and frankly, dissapointed that her many years of training at Harvard for Police was paying off like this.
"I'm stressed too, Batman, but can you calm down for just 30 seconds?"
Batman looked at her, and gently set down the Bat-vase he had been about to shatter on the floor. "Computer, set a timer for 30 seconds."
Ugh. Of course he would take it literally like that. Honestly, Barbara had no clue how Alfred dealt with these tantrums on the daily. She began gingerly crossing the room towards him, tip-toeing around the destruction.
"I know you're-" scared was the word she wanted to say, but she knew that if she accused him of having any emotions he would change the subject, "-frustrated, but channelling your anger this way won't get him back any quicker." She was forced to stop her approach due to the sheer amount of objects that Bruce had surrounded himself with, but she was close enough to grab him if he tried anything stupid (like smashing a vase), which was what counted. "Let's try and think of a productive use of these emotions, okay? Like actually putting effort into finding where he went?"
"It's impossible, Barbara."
She looked at him, concerned. If he was so defeated then he must have found a clue to bring it on… her stomach churned at the thought of Robin being in a situation where even Batman thought it was hopeless. "You're giving up already?"
He reached into his pocket and pulled out his Bat-phone. "I did all I could, but…" He flipped the screen to show Barbara. "His location permissions on Life360 are off."
"The 30 second timer has finished, Batman," the 'computer' (It was literally just Siri. Was she the only one who could tell that it was Siri? Was she going insane?) said, blissfully unaware of the chaos unfolding around it. Batman went to pick up the vase again.
"No, hold on, that's all you've done?" Barabara probably was going to go insane at this point, disbelief at his incompetence churning into anger that coursed through her body.
"Yeah?" Batman replied, as if it was a stupid question.
Barbara's hands were shaking. "You decided to give up, and begin mourning the loss of your son after having only checked. Life. 360." She forced herself to take deep breaths, but her training in calming possible threats to the general public didn't really apply when calming herself.
"Uh, yeah. How else am I supposed to know his exact location?" Deadpan. Genuine. Barbara's dam of self control broke.
"Oh, I don't know! Maybe by conducting an investigation? 'Mr. World's-Greatest-Detective' yeah, right. God! I cannot believe I ever looked up to you-" She grabbed the vase, holding it above her head-
"Babara? Master Bruce?" Alfred broke her from her rage.
"Oh. Hi Alfred." She kept the vase held high above her head.
"Ugh - get out of my room, Alfred!" Batman said, with the well-known intonation of a broody, pissy teenager. (God was he immature) "I'll clean it later, okay? What do you even want?"
"Well," Alfred began, picking a similar route as Barbara did through the sea of destruction - one which Bruce was absolutely not going to clean later. "I just thought that you two would like to see-" he pulled out a remote and pressed a button on it, the large Bat-monitor above them lighting up as he did so. "-this."
The Bat-monitor began playing what was clearly security footage of the entrance to the manor. The three watched intently for a minute or so, trying to pick out what Alfred was trying to show them.
"Ah. Sorry," Alfred clicked a few more buttons on the remote, and began fiddling with the progress bar. "I thought I'd set it to start at the important bit- oh, here it is. Apologies."
"It's fine, Alfred. No rush," Barbara said, polite as ever. Inside she was fuming. Robin was missing, and she was stuck with these amateurs? There was very much a rush! Couldn't Alfred just tell them, instead of bothering with the whole 'oh-i-have-something-very-important-to-show-you-but-the-cool-reveal-is-even-more-important' shtick? What was that phrase… tell, don't show? That sounded about right. She really should add that to the list of rules for the police department, because this was just-
An overly dramatic gasp brought her attention back to footage. "No," Batman said, in a way that Barbara would normally chalk up to dramatics, but in all honesty was quite reasonable for the severity of the situation they had found themselves in.
The grainy footage (excessively grainy - Barbara had to squint to decipher what the hell was going on) showed Dick skipping along the driveway, wearing a spinning propeller cap, comically large lollipop in had. It was so classicly 'innocent kid' that Babara would have found it suspicious, if not for the aura of honesty that he consistently radiated. Suddenly, a large limousine-shaped white, purple, and green van pulled up in front of him, the paint job looking more like paper taped to the exterior of the vehicle, which, given it was clearly the Joker's car, wouldn't have suprised Barbara - she couldn't concieve of how he afforded all those explosives, let alone a paint job. The door swung open, and Dick dropped his lollipop in shock horror, before turing to face the camera, mouthing an 'Oh No!™' so melodramatic that Barbara could effectively lip read it despite the video quality, before being yanked into the back of the car, which then sped off, leaving the camera range.
"Wait." Batman was now facing away from the monitor, one hand held out towards it. He swiveled his head around dramatically while continuing, "Go back to when it begins to drive off." Barbara could practically see the dramatic zoom-in.
Alfred flicked back to that frame quite easily, now quite practiced with navigating the hell that is using a TV remote to control a video player.
"Pause - right there!" Alfred did so, suprisingly quickly. Barbara always wondered about his real skill level, but simultaneously never wanted to be in the situation where he would be forced to use it. "The license plate. Zoom. Enhance."
Barbara was going to say something about how you can't actually 'Zoom. Enhance.' on a video, but was shocked into silence when she saw Alfred pull up the settings bar and change the quality from 144p to 1080p. Was this security footage being hosted on Youtube? Seriously? Her arms shook - from anger or the fact she was still holding the (quite heavy) vase above her head, she wasn't sure.
Regardless, she followed Batman's gaze to the license plate. It was very obviously a blue-tacked piece of cardboard with 'ThisIsThaJokerzLimoCarHaHaHa69' scwarled on it in sharpie.
"Joker - I knew it was him!" He grabbed a lone Batarang from the cluttered desk. "Let's serve some justice," and he swooped away, muttering something about how 'that wasn't a badass enough line' and he 'really needs to work on that'.
"Hey - wait for me! I'll come and be backup - secure the perimiter!" Babara called, and began to put the vase down, but there was so much clutter she wasn't really sure where to put it, and with the amount of shards on the floor, what were a few more? And she could really let of some steam right now-
-her eyes met Alfred's, who shook his head, a clear look of dissapointment on his face.
She flushed and averted her eyes, embarassed at both getting caught and dissapointing Alfred. She made a point of gently setting the vase down, before bolting off in the direction Batman had left, leaving Alfred alone.
He waited untill the cave was completely empty, until only the sound of dripping water and bat wings were left to keep him company, before putting a finger up to the earpiece that niether of the so-called detectives had noticed.
"Master Dick, are you there?"
He heard the noise of scrambling and a half-hearted excuse about needing to take a call before an unmistakeable voice nearly blew out his eardrums.
"Alfred! Hi! Oh, it's so fun here! Harley taught me how to rollerskate, Joker taught me how to know how hard a bomb would explode without having to test it, and he also taught me how to make red velvet cake-"
"That sounds lovely, Master Dick, but I'm afraid that we don't have time for chit-chat. The 'security footage' ploy worked, but unfortunately Barbara fell for it as well. Thankfully she mentioned something about 'securing the perimiter', so I don't think she will be entering the building. Your Bat-dad should be there in 20 minutes or so - most likely sooner."
"Awh, really? That means I won't get to eat the cake…" Robin said, the dejection prevalent in his voice tugging sharply at Alfred's heartstrings. Thankfully, he brightened up again almost instantly, as he so often did. "But that just means that Joker will have a reason to visit the manor! I'll text him once i'm back home, all innocent-like. Although, he won't need the excuse if the plan goes well! Speaking of- I should get back to it. Have fun butlering!" And the connection was cut.
Alfred stared at the mess surrounding him, the mess that Bruce would absolutely not clean. Oh well, he thought, beginning to weave his way towards the exit of the cave. If he said he wanted him out of the room, that's exactly what he would do.
Maybe he would leave a broom near the door though. Yes, that would be plently of help.
—-
Joker was enjoying this even more than he had hoped - which was a lot, given that he had hoped him and Robin would bond enough to give him the title of 'basically step-dad'. He was slightly disappointed at how strongly he had imprinted onto Harley (who was currently calling Ivy to ask if she could swing by with some extra pillows and blankets for the boy - it seemed he would be staying the night) and her skates, but he was sure that he had enjoyed the baking and explosives just as much - they just weren't hobbies that could be easily practised for long periods of time, that's all. In fact, that's what the boy was doing right now.
Joker watched as he zipped around the almost empty room, somehow managing to consistently knock into the only two pieces of furniture within it, and as Joker's gaze followed him, he felt a warmth radiate through his chest. He could get used to this - he wanted to get used to this, the casual familiarity that came with teaching and watching the kid - all that was missing was his true hate, Batman.
Suddenly, from the corner of his eye, Joker noticed a flash of shadow. It could have just been Robin's, but when your nemesis is practically the personification of darkness, and most of your fights take place at night, you get good at recognising when what appears to be a flat shadow on the wall actually has quite a bit more dimension than expected. That wasn't any shadow, that was his shadow. That was Batman.
"Batsy!" Joker darted towards the shadow, arms spread wide for a hug - but instead of them wrapping around his greatest enemy, they slammed into the wall with a dull thud. Ow.
"Joker." He turned around at the sound of that gravelly voice, shaking and grabbing at his wrists, now sore due to the strange angle they had hit the wall at. He was slightly dissapointed that Batman had doged his hug like that, but he probably didn't mean it! Maybe he was just trying to do a fun little cat-and-mouse before 'revealing' himself, and had already started moving by the time he had even realized Joker had begun to dive towards him - yes, that was definitely what had happened, he was sure of it.
He was about to say something, exactly what he hadn't really planned yet, when Batman spoke yet again. "
"Explain yourself."
Joker was taken aback, his brain to busy to formulate a response. Three days after the confession and this was all he got? A hateful, tense, telling off? He wasn't even sure what he had done! All that had happened was him moping around for a few days, before hanging out with Robin-
-his eyes flitted over the boy for a second, and he noticed him mouthing out the word 'kidnapping' frantically. Huh. He was really good at being easy to lip-read, especially for a kid.
"Oh, um, I… well, Robin, uh," Joker knew he was supposed to pretend to take the blame here, but Batman's white-out eyes were staring at him with a sense of dissapointed anger that he hadn't ever seen before - not even when they were fighting - and he really didn't want to give Batman a reason to break up with him so early into the relationship. Besides, Robin hadn't even told him why this whole fake kidnapping situation had to occur in the first place. What if this was all a ploy to get Batsy angry at him, and declare them actual greatest enemies, and not in the fun, silly way they currently were, but the real, proper Lex Luthor and Superman way?
"I'm sorry, padre!" Both Batman and Joker's heads turned at the sudden outburst. Robin could tell that Joker had no clue what to say, but was about to say something off the top of his head anyway and he was not going to risk his plan failing just because he had forgotten to give Joker his flow diagram-style script out lining exactly what he should say to get Batman to open up a bit and, well, Robin didn't really know what nemesises (nemesii?) did together, ask Joker out on a date or something? Either way, he had to confess before everything fell apart.
"I know you came out all this way to save me from Joker, but…" he turned his head away from them, letting out a sharp exhale for dramatic effect. "He was not the one who kidnapped me!"
Both of the adults in the room stared at him in silence. Huh. They were supposed to gasp there.
"No, the real kidnapper was…" he patted out a short drumroll on his lap, "ME!" and them mimed out pulling off a mask.
A small "Wait, what?" overlapped with "Who was your drama teacher? You should ask for a refund."
Again, not the reaction he was hoping for, but at least they said something this time!
"Yes… I was the one who organized this 'kidnapping'… In fact -" he dramatically span to point a hyperextended arm at Joker, "-Joker didn't even know I was coming until I arrived!"
Batman sighed. "Okay," he turned to look at Joker, "Why?"
Joker held up his hands in mock surrender. "I know just as much as you do, Batsy."
Hm. Robin had a choice to make. He could come clean, and tell them that his real master plan was to get Batman to address the change in their relationship - a topic he had been pointedly avoiding back at the manor - or he could let them sort that bit out on their own. They already had all the stuff you see in romance movies; the close proximity, the chance encounter, the awkward situation… Robin (and Alfred) had done plenty.
"Uh, I dunno." He made his eyes look extra innocent and vunerable. "I guess I just wanted to hang out with my padre's new greatest enemy!"
Batman glanced at Joker, eyes wide, before turning away. "Well, you've had your fun. We're leaving now."
"Wait! I need to take off these rollerskates before I leave!" Robin sat down and began fiddling with the laces. "Oh, these knots are so tangled - looks like you two are going to have to talk to each other so you don't get bored while I take these off slowly…"
"Oh, Batsy, can I talk to you? I actually have something I've been meaning to ask."
Batman couldn't have made it more obvious he was avoiding eye contact if he tried. "It sounds kind of serious, are you sure we have enough time to get into it?"
"Oh, definitely, it's nothing big, just-"
"And in front of Robin too, if it's personal I wouldn't want to drag him into this."
"It is kind of personal, but surely you could wait a few more minutes to talk for a bit. Why are you in such a rush anyway?"
"It's hero stuff, you wouldn't get it."
"Batsy, it's just a question. I've been trying to get your attention for the past three-"
Batman stiffened at the mention of Joker trying to get his attention. "Hey, did you redecorate? That crack over there looks new."
"There's a crack?" Joker turned around to where Batman was pointing, but couldn't see anything of note. "I don't see any cracks."
"Just keep looking over there, I'm sure you'll find it-" Batman was interrupted by a creaky door. Joker whipped his head around just in time to see Batman slipping through the door, carrying Robin over his shoulder.
"Wait! Why are you leaving, can't we-"
But the door slammed shut, and the only shadow left in the room was his own.
—-
Bruce stared at the drops of condensation falling down the mirror, an inscrutable expression on his face. Well, inscrutable for anyone who wasn't Alfred.
"Placing bets on the water droplets again, I see."
Bruce hurriedly turned around, trying (and failing) to hide the wall-length mirror behind him.
"Uh, no," he combed through his damp hair, trying to appear cool and suave, "why would I be doing that?"
"The left one just won."
"What?" he sharply swung around, facing the mirror again. "It was significantly smaller than the one on the right, how did-" he then cut himself off, realizing what had just occurred. "I see what you did there."
"Regardless, Master Bruce, I came here not to out your crippling gambling addiction-"
"I can stop whenever I want to," he interjected, already eyeing some droplets beginning to cascade down from the top of the mirror. "I just don't want to."
"I came here," Alfred raised his voice slightly, trying to regain Bruce's attention, "to tell you that someone is at the door."
"Can't you just tell them to come back later? The middle one's trying to make a comeback, but the one next to it keeps stealing its' droplets before it can consume them fully."
"I think that they have waited for you long enough," Alfred said, genuinely, which Bruce found a bit too emotional for what he thought was some nobody knoking on the door.
"Ugh. Fine. I'll go. But it better be worth it." Bruce grumbled, striding out of the bathroom door into the main foyer. Alfred stayed where he was, simply craining his neck out of the doorway into the corridor so that his voice could be better heard.
"Naked, Master Bruce?"
"I have a towel!" He called back. "And besides," he was so far down the corridor by this point that he was practically screaming to be heard, "Who doesn't want to see Bruce Wayne shirtless?"
—-
Joker did not want to see Bruce Wayne shirtless right now. Unfortunately for him, that was exactly what, or, well, who had opened the door. He leaned on the frame, elbow above his head, unimpressive muscles all wet and slimy from the water they had just been doused in, and only a towel to cover his body. Joker had never been more repulsed. He only had a six pack, anyway. How could anyone be attracted to that?
"Well, well, what-" he stopped in his tracks as he registered who was at the door. "Joker?"
"Don't call the the cops; I'm here for your roomate."
"Roomate?"
"Batman… he does live with you, right?"
"Oh, Batman, yeah, I can get him. Wait a sec," and he walked off into the hallway, door wide open behind him.
Well, that was easier than expected. Joker had prepared himself for unprecedented levels of security, but now he, a famed evil villain who had tried to destroy Gotham a few days ago was just standing outside an open door, not a single bodyguard in sight. The entire interaction was strangely relaxed, he hadn't even had a bulletproof vest on or anything. Joker knew Bruce Wayne was a ditz, but he couldn't believe how stupid his security was being right now. If he had nefarious intentions he could've easily taken Bruce Wayne as a hostage, or worse.
He didn't have nefarious intentions though, so he politely waited - or prepared to, at least. He had only just begun to stare aimlessly at the decorative engraving above the door, going over Harley's advice from the drive there in his head, when a figure appeared in the doorway, quite quickly given how far away the Bat-cave was.
"Hey."
Joker was breathless. Batman was leaning on the frame, elbow above his head, water droplets cascading down his gorgeously sculpted muscles, gistening like diamonds - the high-quality ones that Joker would normally have to weave through an overly complex net of security lazers to even look at, let alone steal. Damp patches bled through his cowl, water spreading from wet hair (so he wasn't bald… Joker wouldn't admit it, but he was quite relieved), but the rest of his body lacked its' usual suit, only a towel clinging to his hips. It was the most skin Joker had ever seen him show and yeah, he was mad at him, but he also was definitley going to replay this moment in his brain regardless of how their conversation went. And Gods above, he really did have a nine-pack…
"Hi…" Joker had an even bigger grin than usual across his face, hand unconciously twirling an unruly spike of hair behind his ear.
"You wanted me?"
Right, what he came here for. Joker cleared his throat.
"You know exactly why I'm here, Batman. We need to talk, and you're not running away this time."
Batman's confidence almost instantly disappeared as he began looking anywhere other than Joker's face, his hand moving awkwardly between multiple, equally unnatural positions.
"Uh, I don't know, I'm pretty busy right now, uh, saving the world and stuff."
"Naked?"
Batman tucked a non-existent strand of hair behind his ear - a habit that just wouldn't go away no matter how much time he spent in the suit.
"I have a towel." He said. He didn't add 'and my cowl' because that would've made it rhyme, and this conversation was already awkward and embarrassing enough. "Besides, who doesn't want to see me shirtless?"
Joker couldn't argue with that.
"Regardless of the truth of that statement, I know you aren't busy right now, so we are talking! Maybe not on the doorstep though, I'm pretty sure I saw some paparazzi in the bushes on the way here, and I really don't want us to become one of those celebrity couples that have all their personal issues televised."
Bruce shuddered, remembering the chaos that was his brief stint with Kim Kardashian - too traumatised by the ordeal to react to Joker calling them a couple. "Yeah, you're right. Do you want to go to the roof? They'd only be able to see us by helicopter up there."
"Oh, sure." Batman was being very open to this, despite his obvious discomfort. That was either a very bad or pretty good sign.
"Follow me," Batman said, turning around to walk deeper into the house, grabbing a fluffy, morone robe hanging on a coat rack as he did so. Joker hesitantly followed, gently closing the door behind him as Batman pulled the robe on. It looked like it cost more than Joker's car.
They made their way to the roof in silence, save for a mumbled 'just here' and 'ah thanks' as they entered the elevator. Joker began internally panicking - his plan began and ended at 'talk to Batman about it', which he had only made his plan because A. He wanted closure and B. He saw a slick graphic while browsing the web that mentioned something about 'open communication' being important in relationships. Oh how he wished Harley and her fancy psycology degree were here right now…
The doors opened, and they stepped out onto a large, but empty slab of concrete. It took a second for his eyes to adjust, but Joker could make out a large 'H' painted in the centre. He was momentarily surprised, expecting an empty square of concrete like most buildings in the city, but quickly shut himself down. Of course there was a helipad - why else would the roof be so easily accessible?
"So…" Joker turned his head to Batman, nerves churning his stomach. His robe fluttered in the wind behind him, acting as a quasi-cape.
"You wanted to talk?"
"Oh, um, right." Joker regretted every decision he had made up to this point. Mainly the one where he sped off to the mansion without bothering to write a script, or even a vague, dot-pointed plan.
"It's just-" he took a deep breath. "We're each other's greatest enemy, right? You meant all that? The whole… thing about 'us'?"
Batman looked away for a moment, taking a deep breath. "Yeah. Yeah, I did."
Hm. That question was supposed to be a lead-up to the next one, something small and easy to start with, and Joker didn't like how Batman had said it like he was in confession.
"Well, nothing about our… relationship should change because of this, right? I mean, I was under the impression we already were for ages, and you were just being normal, so nothing should be different, right?"
Batman looked back at him, confused. "Uh, yeah, I guess that makes sense."
"Then why haven't you tried to fight me since then?" Joker had tried to play it cool, act like it was just some random, casual query, but his effort at acting served only as a bandage, his true feelings seeping through like blood from a particularly deep wound. He was hurt.
"Well, you didn't do anything too major-"
"I blew up so many buildings, an incredible amount for three days. I knew you were lying earlier when you said you were busy because every villain in the city is currently on a day-long 'break' because of how much work I had them do, just to get your attention."
"I-"
"The amount of property damage- inconceivable! The government's going to be stuck fixing that for weeks - months even! It was far too major for some petty destruction. I know you knew. And you didn't even send out the police. Why? Why now are you changing this - us? And you better not say you were busy."
Batman fell silent. It was true, he did know. Barbara had been on his case about it - he hadn't told her why he wasn't doing anything of course, just mumbled some excuse about how it would lower the rent, which people couldn't currently afford so really he was saving the city by doing nothing. But he had a feeling that that excuse wouldn't work right now.
"I told you that 'Batman doesn't do 'ships'. And that's still true." He heard Joker inhale sharply, and quickly continued- "In the sense that I've never been in one before! Not that there isn't one between us right now." Joker breathed a sigh of relief. "But… I don't think nothing's changed. Sure, for you it hasn't, since you always thought we had something 'special', but I didn't. Or, I didn't have the guts to admit it. Our fights were just 'dealing with the clown' in my head, but now that they're with my greatest enemy," he smiled as he said that, newly found fondness for the title clear in his voice, "Shouldn't they be something more? Fights between enemies are supposed to be big, emotional events, with a threat that puts everyone at risk, and a cinematic score that puts tears in the audience's eyes. They also don't happen multiple times a week. Our fights… aren't that. Now we're official, shouldn't it be more?" He sighed. "I don't know how this works. I don't know how you want this to work. Honestly, I was kind of hoping that you would forget about it after a few days and we could pretend like everything was normal, so I wouldn't have to risk ruining it all. I've already had a close call with my familial 'ships - I didn't want to ruin this one, too."
Joker smiled, glad that Batman's distance was from his hate for Joker and their relationship, rather than distain. He was being so open with his feelings too - Harley's pep talk during the drive here had prepared him for a total brick wall of a man, but he had just answered his question immediately! This was going so much better than he had hoped.
"Not every pair of enemies is the same, Batsy. Sure, most of them are all dramatic and serious, but what happened three days ago was probably the most evil thing I've done, at least in this iteration of the character, I mean. We don't have to be like everyone else - we can be enemies in our own way." He heard a grunt in response, and looked over to where he thought Batman's eyes were, but found himself having to look down at where he was on the floor, doing… push-ups?
"Are you seriously doing push-ups right now?"
"27… 28… Yeah, got a bit too emotionally vulnerable there. 72…"
Ah, there it was. "I think you skipped a few."
"999… 1000. So, we're all sorted?"
"Uhm, not really? You literally just said that you don't know how this is supposed to work." He channeled his inner Harley, trying to find the right words. "We should probably have an open discussion about the expectations we each have for this relationship, as well as any boundaries we wish to set." Joker internally pat himself on the back, that sounded so professional.
Batman was doing crunches now. "Do we have to do it now?"
"It would be… preferable. I did skip dinner just to drive here, so…"
A side plank. "That means we should stop talking about our feelings and go downstairs to eat some reheated lobster thermadore. Unfortunately."
"Wait, you're actually asking me out to dinner?"
Some clams. "It's more asking you in for dinner."
"So… this is our first official date?"
The other side plank. "Woah, woah, woah, 'date' is a strong word."
"See, this is exactly why we need to discuss our boundaries."
"Ugh." Batman fell out of the v-sit he was holding, flopping back onto the floor. "Why do we have to do all of this 'talking about our relationship' stuff? All the couples in the romcoms have their big, emotional, confession moment where the character development is made clear, before they fade to a white screen, with everything tied up and a happily ever after. They don't have to do any of this!"
"Well, we're not exactly like 'all the couples in the romcoms', are we?" He held out a hand towards Batman. "Now get up - I'm itching to try this lobster thermometer thing, I thought mercury was poisonous? Also, where does the lobster come in?"
Batman took his hand, and pulled himself up, grumbling something about it being 'thermadore, not thermometer', before beginning to walk back to the elevator. Joker started to pull his hand away, not wanting to pressure Batman into something as scandalous as hand-holding this early into the relationship, but found his fingers being interlaced with Batman's, who looked away, a shy smile on his face. Joker smiled back.
Somewhere else in Wayne Manor, a boy who had only just learned how to hook up a camera feed to a drone squealed with the satisfaction of a plan well executed.