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Shawn laid in bed, watching the clock beside him tick away, a sharp noise in the otherwise silent room. The emptiness in his limbs weighed him down to the bed, but he couldn’t fall asleep if he tried. He wanted to roll over, but the heaviness in his body prevented him from doing so. I don’t even have the energy to move, he thought dejectedly.
He felt a pair of arms wrap around him. “I can hear you thinking, boytoy.”
The nickname would normally make Shawn laugh, which was probably Kevin’s intention, but now the smaller man just sighed. “I miss it, Kev,” he said.
Kevin tightened his grip. “Wrestling? We train together all the time. Maybe I can call Scott and we can-”
“Not that,” Shawn mumbled, “the booze.” Kevin hummed but didn’t speak, and Shawn understood why. “Feeling like that is better than feeling nothing. I know I can’t go back, but it’s the only thing that makes me me.”
He felt Kevin shake his head. “S’not,” he said, his voice muffled by Shawn’s hair.
“Yes it is,” Shawn tried to argue, but there was no real heat behind his voice. “People like the outgoing, daring, stubborn Heartbreak Kid, not the quiet, shy Shawn, and the only way to be the person everyone likes is to drink.”
“How do you know?” Kevin asked. “How do you know people won’t like the real you? I know you, and I love you, drunk or not. You have the biggest heart of anyone I know, you’re smart-”
Shawn huffed. “If you’re trying to cheer me up it won’t work. It’s two in the morning, you should be asleep.”
“So should you,” Kevin retorted. “You’ll feel better if you sleep a bit.”
Shawn sighed. “Won’t work, Kev. Nothing helps except…”
A tense silence filled the air, broken only by the ticking of the clock beside them. “It’s only been a month. You can’t expect to feel better immediately.”
Kevin was right, of course. Twenty seven days sober wasn’t an accomplishment at all. “I shouldn’t have even started drinking in the first fuckin’ place. I just ended up hurting everybody.”
“But you know it’s wrong, Shawn. You’re working on it,” Kevin said, gently caressing Shawn’s hip with his thumb. “You just have to adjust.”
Shawn frowned. “I don’t want to. If I keep drinking, then maybe I can push everyone away.”
“And then what?” Kevin sat up a bit, and Shawn could see his brows furrow in concern. “Who will stop you from hurting yourself?”
Shawn nodded. “Exactly. I already don’t feel anything anyway, wouldn’t be too much of a change.”
Kevin physically deflated, and Shawn wondered, not for the first time, what he had done wrong. “Don’t act like you’re not tired of me. I’m exhausting.”
Kevin pulled Shawn up and into his arms, and Shawn buried his head in Kevin’s shoulder. Kevin’s arms wrapped around him, and one of them found its way to his head. “I’m not tired of you, Shawn, and I’m not going anywhere. I can’t believe you think so little of me.”
“Any reasonable person would’ve left by now, big guy.” Shawn pulled his head back to look at Kevin, whose brown eyes were beginning to fill up with tears. Shawn felt a wave of guilt replace the nothingness in his stomach, and his own eyes started to well. “I’m so sorry, Kevin.”
Kevin cocked his head. “You don’t have anything to apologize for. You’re hurting, and I don't expect you to be one-hundred percent right now.”
“Doesn’t matter. I’ve been treating you like shit.” Shawn sniffled. “We’re supposed to be equals, but I’ve just been taking from you. I've been selfish. It would be so much better if-”
“Don’t you dare finish that thought,” Kevin said, his voice a lot harder than it was before. A tear fell from his eye. “I need you to live, okay? I’ll quit WCW if I have to. You matter more to me than anything.” Kevin held Shawn’s face in his hands and wiped his tears away. “I love you so much, Shawnie. You have to believe that.”
Shawn broke down, sobbing on Kevin’s shoulder as he held him tightly. “I’m sorry,” he kept repeating.
“I love you,” Kevin said. “I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere.”
Shawn cried for a while, letting the sadness wash over him. He wasn’t happy, not at all; he was sad, angry at himself, guilty, but it was better than not feeling anything at all.
Shawn’s sobs quieted down, and Kevin peeled him off to see if he was still crying, but found his lover asleep in his arms.