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“Ooh, ooh, I’ve got another one,” Semi says, half-hunched over his phone from where he sat on the bench.
The other boys were getting changed around him, their last gruelling practice done for the day. Sweat clung to Tendou’s skin and he was looking forward to showering, eating, and getting some much-needed sleep; he had stayed up the last few nights perfecting the gift he’d bought Ushijima for Valentine’s Day and he’d be damned if he slept in on the one full, free day they were going to spend together tomorrow. For that reason alone, he was happy to tune in and out of the conversation permeating the locker room, but Semi’s words latched onto him anyway.
He sat on the bench opposite Semi, leaning down to tie his shoelaces as Semi continued:
“Would you rather fuck a goat- “
Tendou stops tying his laces and looks up, surprise mixing with amusement coating his face. Other boys seem to register Semi’s words, too, because a ripple of quiet breaks the chatter in this corner of the room. It includes Leon whose head swivels so fast to face Semi that an audible click of his neck can be heard.
“What?” is the only thing that can make its way out of his mouth.
Tendou watches in amusement as Semi grins, noticing the attention afforded to him now. He cleared his throat dramatically, making sure the others’ eyes and ears – which were now the majority in the locker room – stayed on him as he continued,
“Would you rather fuck a goat with the guarantee that nobody finds out, or,” Semi pauses, no doubt for dramatic effect. Tendou can’t even blame him; the anticipation was sending a flock of goosebumps along his own skin. “Not fuck a goat but everybody thinks you did.”
Silence spans the locker room. Then, like a fiery inferno, it explodes –
“What kind of question- “
“Can we ban moral dilemmas in the locker room, please- “
“Semi, I swear to God, I- “
“Death. Instant death.”
It’s almost glorious how the room fills with impassioned shouts immediately. Tendou can’t help but tilt his head back and laugh as Leon throws a shirt at Semi’s face, how some faces contort into disgust whilst others fall into agonised thinking, curiosity rearing its ugly head despite itself. The question is less shocking to Tendou – he’d heard it before and packaged it away sweetly within his arsenal of psychological torments – but it was obvious a lot of the boys hadn’t. One of them, Tendou realised as his eyes roved around the room and delighted in the different stages of grief a lot of the boys were going through, was standing next to him.
It was difficult for many people to tell what Ushijima was thinking, his face usually impassive. But Tendou wasn’t many people, not anymore, and he could clearly see the slight down-tilt to the corners of his mouth, the minuscule twitching of his fingers. The question irked him.
Tendou reaches for his hand, interlacing their fingers as Ushijima looks down at him. Tendou smiles at him, jostling their hands and hoping that would be enough to shake the agony from him, too. (He’d be damned if he had his boyfriend grieving the night before their first Valentine’s Day together). It seems to do the trick because Ushijima softens and sits down next to him, letting Tendou lean against his shoulder. When Ushijima begins rubbing a thumb across his knuckles, it takes all he has not to jump into his lap and kiss his face.
There’s a shout in the locker room that pulls them both from their mini refuge amidst the chaotic chatter. Ushijima blinks hard as he looks ahead of them, Tendou’s gaze following.
He sees Goshiki hunched over on the floor, knees drawn up to his chest with a panicked expression on his face. Tendou almost stands up to go over to him before he sees Shirabu standing next to him with his arms folded over his chest disinterestedly as Semi – the cause of the shout, Tendou realises – argues emphatically with his hands in front of him.
“What do you mean you’d fuck the goat- “
“I mean I’d fuck the damn goat.”
It was a travesty, a damn near Shakespearean tragedy making the room drop like flies with the utterance of that question. If this were a simulation game, you’d see a goat in everyone’s thought bubbles, ranging in censorship. It was a shame, too, because it was almost Valentine’s Day and nobody in their right mind would want to visualise something like that.
“C’mon man, it’s almost Valentine’s Day! Nobody wants to hear this,” Leon says in despair, pinching the bridge of his nose.
Semi ignores him in favour of interrogating the unchanging Shirabu.
“So, you’d rather have sex with an animal, a literal animal, than have everyone believe you did?”
Shirabu scoffs, “Of course. It’d be disgusting obviously, but no one would know. I’d prefer that to everyone thinking I did. How the hell would you live with that hanging over you?”
“It would kill me,” Goshiki mutters, staring at the floor. “Either situation would kill me.”
Semi looks down at him, pausing, before replying. “No, no – just don’t fuck the goat. It’s very simple to just not fuck the goat! Only a psychopath would answer they’d fuck the damn goat!”
That riles Shirabu. His face twists scornfully as he jabs a finger into Semi’s chest, “And only a moron wouldn’t fuck it!”
They glare at each other. A moment longer and Tendou could tell they’d be at each other’s throat.
He squeezes Ushijima’s hand before letting it go and standing up. He walks to the duo, clapping his hands lightly on their shoulders.
“Hey now, let’s not get all angry over a hypothetical,” Tendou chirps as cheerfully as he can muster, jostling their shoulders.
They don’t even turn to look at him.
He tuts to himself, “Well, the answer’s clear anyway.”
Shirabu raises an eyebrow, still glaring hard at Semi. “Yeah, what’s that? Don’t fuck the goat and get fucked by the world instead?”
Semi grits his teeth, “You- “
Tendou squeezes their shoulders, doing his best to maintain his grip and stop them from walking closer to each other.
“No,” He forces out, his arms aching as he struggles to stop them squirming out from under his grip. Maybe he should’ve gotten someone else to hold them back from each other. “It’s to have the goat fuck you.”
That stops both of them. In fact, the groans and pained discussions that had continued in the background suddenly hushed and Tendou had to bite back his grin as he stared expectantly at Semi and Shirabu. All at once, their anger for each other dissipates and they turn to look at Tendou, disbelief colouring their faces.
Semi starts, “Tendou, that’s- “
“Disgusting.” Shirabu finishes.
With that agreement, Tendou lets an easy smile hang on his face as he pats their shoulders. “Eh, who’s to say what’s right or wrong?”
Semi grimaces at him before turning away to go back to his changing spot, Shirabu rolling his eyes to do the same. The general chatter resumes in the locker room, much easier and relieved than before though the topic of discussion is still the goat-fucker question. At least now it was just about how there wasn’t an answer weirder than Tendou’s.
Tendou hums, crouching before Goshiki who is still sitting on the floor. He pokes his knee gently as he asks, “What’s going on down here then?”
Goshiki lifts his head to look at him, a pained expression on his face that Tendou doesn’t like the look of. He mumbles in reply, “I hate moral dilemmas.”
“Don’t we all?” Tendou reaches out a hand that Goshiki slowly accepts, lifting him as he stands. He moves a hand to Goshiki’s shoulder in a way he hopes is comforting. “Pull the lever, eat the cat, who cares! Nobody’s keeping track except you, so just… do what feels good, yeah?”
“Yeah…” Goshiki’s expression lightens slightly, “Yeah. That sounds good.”
Tendou grins, patting his shoulder. “There we go. Don’t think too hard about it okay? These’ll plague you. We don’t want our next ace with butter for brains, now do we?”
The words confuse Goshiki but the sentiment underlying them still hits as Tendou knew it would and Goshiki immediately straightens, standing taller. Tendou can see his gaze flick behind him, knowing exactly who he was looking at.
“Yeah. I mean, no!”
Tendou laughs, “That’s the spirit!”
He turns back around and heads to his spot, more relaxed now that the atmosphere is lighter in the room. Damned moral dilemmas…
He sees Ushijima has finished changing, face hard and staring ahead of him. Tendou purses his lips, not liking the sight of that either. Did he have another ace in despair on his hands?
He stands in front of Ushijima, breaking him out of his tense stupor with a few blinks as he readjusts to Tendou in front of him. Their eyes meet and Tendou’s heart sighs in relief when he sees Ushijima’s face soften once more.
He reaches out a hand, “Ready to go?”
Ushijima nods once, sharp and firm. His hand clasping Tendou’s is a feeling Tendou is sure he’ll never get fully over, electricity buzzing through his skin and putting his heart into overdrive. He grins at Ushijima as he stands, certain it’s sloppy and wobbly with too many teeth, but he doesn’t care. Not when Ushijima smiles back at him.
Tendou grabs both of their bags with his free hand, suddenly eager to leave the locker room and spend as much time with his boyfriend before they’d have to go to their separate dorm rooms.
Ushijima watches him before he says, “I can carry- “
Tendou hushes his protest, shifting the bags over his shoulder. “No, no. As your boyfriend, it is my sacred duty to carry your bag. It’s in the rulebook.”
Ushijima considers this for a second, stilling. Before Tendou can ask what’s wrong, his bag is taken from his shoulder and slung over Ushijima’s.
“Then I will carry yours,” Ushijima replies simply. Tendou blinks at him, adoration trembling through him. In the silence, Ushijima adds quickly, “As your boyfriend, too.”
As if he didn’t know. Tendou laughs, squeezing his hand, “Alright, fine. Now let’s go eat, I’m starving.”
Tendou leads him out of the locker room, escaping it and its goat-fuckery with his boyfriend (oh how he loved that word) safely in tow.
It isn’t until the next day that Tendou realises something might be wrong.
When he wakes up on Valentine’s Day, it’s not the first thought on his mind. In place of worrying, butterflies were taking over his body and promising to teach him how to fly in his excitement for the day. A full day with Ushijima, a full romantic day with his boyfriend. He’d have sighed dreamily at the thought of it if Semi hadn’t thrown a pillow at his face the second time he had that morning.
Actually. Semi didn’t have another pillow. Tendou sighed again as he checked over his gift for Ushijima, making sure it was still perfect.
“If you don’t stop sighing, I swear to God,” Semi grumbles, throwing an arm over his face from his bunk.
Tendou hums happily to himself, the chocolate still pristine and unbroken in its box. “Can’t. Also, I don’t want to.”
“Well, don’t you have somewhere to be? Other than here? Like, with Ushiwaka?”
His name sends the butterflies around him into a flurry, and he sighs dreamily again, thinking about his perfect, perfect boyfriend. Semi groans, louder this time.
“We’re meeting at nine,” Tendou replies. He glances at Semi, finishing tying up his gift in a red bow as he says, “Don’t be a grouch just because you don’t have a Valentine’s. I told you to ask Leon out.”
Semi shoots into a sitting position on his bed, sending piercing daggers at Tendou.
“I do not like Leon! Stop saying that!” Tendou can’t hide the laugh that falls out of his mouth, just happy that Semi can’t throw anything at him this time.
“Why not?” Tendou feigns innocence as he faces an ever-reddening Semi. “I think it’d be cute if the four of us could double-date. Ooh, a third-year wedding-”
Semi lets out an indignant cry and reaches for something on his bed. Tendou yelps as a phone is thrown at him, speedily dodging it with his gift safely in hand. Once he’s sure Semi can’t throw anything else at him, patting around himself unsuccessfully, a sly grin spreads across his face.
“Missed me.”
“Go fuck a goat,” Semi retorts in a huff, rolling over on his bed.
Tendou hums, checking the time on Semi’s phone and smiling. 8:58.
He throws the phone back on Semi’s bed, heading straight to the door to avoid the ammunition he’d just given back to him. He opens the door, and can’t help himself from saying over his shoulder, “I’d rather fuck my boyfriend.”
He hesitates from leaving instantly, immediately awarded with the loudest groan from Semi he’d heard that morning. He laughs and escapes before Semi can throw something else at him.
Gleefully, he skips from their room and to Ushijima’s down the hallway, humming as he does. He smiles at the few students he passes on the way, even admiring the red and pink decorations hung over the walls. He didn’t know who put them up in the male dormitory, but he loved it. There was a bouquet of paper flowers pinned to a board on the wall that Tendou pauses at the sight of. Flowers were traditional, right? He imagines Ushijima’s face at the sight of Tendou gifting him both flowers and chocolate on their first Valentine’s Day. Maybe he’d give him a smile, or even blush…
Tendou hums as he plucks a paper rose from the bouquet, pretending to smell it before tucking it under the bow around his box of chocolates. Perfect.
He foregoes skipping to quickly walk the rest of the way to Ushijima’s dorm, now wanting to see him more than anything. They had planned to meet up at 9:00 am before going out for breakfast to a local place that Ushijima liked and picking up some picnic foods. Then, they were going to take a trip to the beach, to take a long walk and picnic there until sunset (as per Tendou’s request to do the most sickeningly romantic thing they could). The day was sunny and bright with blue skies promised all day, and Tendou’s spirits couldn’t be higher. Though he was anticipating Ushijima’s hatred for sand, he’d packed a massive picnic blanket that should keep it at bay and a small towel that he hoped would be enough to get rid of any stray grains that pestered Ushijima.
Today was going to be romantic and lovey-dovey and perfect. Although any day would be like that so long as Ushijima was there with him, Tendou muses giddily as he planted himself in front of Ushijima’s door.
He knocks on it, hiding the gift behind his back with one hand.
“Guess who?” He chirps at the door, bouncing on the balls of his feet.
Silence.
His giddiness drops slightly as he waits for Ushijima to answer the door. Sure, he didn’t expect Ushijima to be waiting like a lovesick puppy at the door for him, but if the truth were told, he thought Ushijima would at least open it a bit quicker. His bouncing slows as the silence stretches. He becomes more nervous and knocks again.
“Wakatoshi?” He calls out in as sing-song of a voice as he can.
When nobody answers, that’s when the worrying starts. He checks the time on his phone – 9:00 exactly – and begins to panic. Ushijima was a stickler for time, he wouldn’t have suggested it if he wasn’t going to be ready to see Tendou at it. He was never late.
The butterflies become more carnivorous around him, biting at his skin as he knocks harder at the door. Why wasn’t he answering? Surely Ushijima hadn’t forgotten… Doubts start to swirl around him as he considers what could be keeping Ushijima. Maybe it was something worse? Did he not want to go to the beach?
Tendou bites his lip, calling louder, “’toshi, are you in there? Can you please open the door?”
If Tendou could break down the door, he would’ve. He would’ve shoved his shoulder against the door, would’ve kicked it off its hinges – anything if it meant he could see Ushijima, even if he was ignoring him. That thought makes him pause.
Oh, God, was Ushijima ignoring him? Was it something more serious than a beach date – did he… did he not want to be with him? Was the reality of their whole relationship finally catching up to him?
Nausea washed over him at the thought of it and he stopped knocking, staring at the wood of the door.
Ushijima didn’t want to see him.
He felt sick.
Dizziness strikes him. Tendou leans his forehead against the door, taking in a deep breath to refocus his blurring vision and he presses the gift to his chest. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what he had done wrong, other than the fact that their relationship had always been far too good to be true. But… but Ushijima liked him. Right? He had told him that, had reassured him about that whenever he joked about Ushijima leaving him, had called it an “impossibility” like him quitting volleyball.
Tendou sniffled, trying to push the creeping doubts away. But if what he had said was true… Then what the hell was this?
“Tendou?”
Tendou looks to his right, blinking away his blurry vision furiously as the image of a boy forms before him. He stood up straight, recognising Ushijima’s roommate, another third year he couldn’t ever remember the name of and so had taken to calling him the Nuisance whenever he had walked in on him and Ushijima making out in the dorm.
The Nuisance scratches the back of his neck, looking at him apprehensively. “Are you okay?”
Tendou wants to say no, but he laughs instead. “Of course! Just- just waiting for…”
He can’t bring himself to say his name without his vision blurring again. He looks back at the door instead, ice forming inside his bloodstream. Numb. How could he say that his boyfriend was ignoring him, and he didn’t know why? That his heart was splitting in two? That he needed the door broken down more than he wanted to collapse to the floor and cry? He couldn’t.
He swallows, feeling something heavy lodged in his throat.
Ushijima’s roommate clears his throat awkwardly. “Uh. You know Ushijima isn’t in there, right?”
Tendou blinks at the door. What?
He continues, “He left at like, six this morning? He was sort of in a rush, I guess? I don’t know – he seemed kind of upset.”
The information hits him all at once, dragging him out of his dazed stupor. Tendou turns on him with wide eyes, asking quickly, “Upset? Upset how?”
The roommate blinks quickly, eyes flicking everywhere but Tendou’s face. “Uh, I don’t – I don’t know, he left really quickly-”
“Did he say anything?” Tendou interrupts, needing to get to the bottom of it quickly. An Ushijima in a rush meant one thing, but a silent and rushing Ushijima? That could only mean one thing:
He was overwhelmed and needed a release.
The roommate shakes his head, but Tendou knows. He breaks into a run, sympathetic to how strange that must look to the roommate but caring about finding his boyfriend more. He knows where to find Ushijima as sure as he knows that roses are red, and violets are blue.
A few minutes later, he throws open the gym doors, chest heaving and dread shifting around his stomach. His eyes dart around the gym quickly and he can see an unmistakeable figure in the corner, picking up a volleyball. Tendou catches his breath as the figure turns to look at him, head tilting at the sight of him.
Tendou walks over to Ushijima, thinking that if he ran to him, it would spook Ushijima further. As he drew closer, he could see the sweat dripping off him, the darkness under his eyes. He hadn’t slept well.
“Satori?” Ushijima questions as Tendou stands in front of him. His gaze flickers to the box in his hands and back up to his face, and Tendou knew he was trying to understand what was going on. “What are you doing here?”
Tendou takes a breath, calming himself. Ushijima watches him carefully.
“It’s nine, ‘toshi,” Tendou says softly, watching his reaction. He didn’t know what had overwhelmed Ushijima so much that he had to practice spiking, but he knew it must’ve been bad if it made him forget about their plans completely. Tendou hoped it wasn’t the day itself, that it truly wasn’t him, but he steeled his nerves regardless and forced himself to watch the boy he loved carefully.
Ushijima blinks in confusion. He looks to the side of Tendou, wheels turning in his brain as he processes what he has said. His hair was damp and stuck to his forehead, mouth opened slightly even now as he panted softly. Tendou frowns. God, had he really been spiking since 6:00 am?
It hits Ushijima. He startles, tightening his grip on the volleyball in his hands.
“No, I- I had time, we have plans,” Ushijima mumbles to himself, a low whine at the back of his throat as his eyes dart around the gym.
He’s been spiralling, Tendou realises. He quickly puts his gift and backpack on the floor before closing the distance between them and placing his hands over Ushijima’s that were still clutching the volleyball.
“Hey bud, it’s okay, you’re okay,” he tries to say as delicately as possible, running his thumbs over the back of Ushijima’s hands in circular motions. His heart squeezes when Ushijima looks at him, brows furrowed together. “Why are you in the gym, eh?”
Ushijima blinks and his eyes drop to the ground. Tendou continued running his thumbs softly over his hands, hoping it would help him. Ushijima’s breath seems to slow, and a sigh of relief almost escapes from him. Tendou’s still afraid the problem was him, that the thought of today might’ve been too overwhelming for Ushijima, so much so that he hoped Ushijima couldn’t feel how much his hands were trembling.
Ushijima mumbles something that Tendou can’t quite catch over the pounding of his heart in his ears. He steps closer, the volleyball pressed between their abdomens. “Can you repeat that for me, ‘toshi?”
Ushijima looks at him, sadness imbued into his every feature, and he says, “I do not want to have sex with the goat.”
Tendou stills, his thumbs freezing. Everything seems to freeze for him for a moment, everything except Ushijima’s words echoing through his brain.
He… He didn’t… what?
Ushijima continues in Tendou’s stunned silence, his brows knit tightly together and a frown pressed onto his face, “I do not want to be known as someone who did either. But I- I really don’t want to have sex with a goat.”
Ushijima looks so pained and upset that everything melts away from Tendou all at once. All the fear, the doubt, the trembling – it all leaves as it dawns on Tendou that Ushijima was worrying about the damned dilemma Semi had posed the night before and probably had been all night. He wasn’t forcing Ushijima to do something he hated; he was stressed out about a goat.
With that realisation, Tendou heaves a sigh of relief and pushes up Ushijima’s hands to duck under his arms, pulling him into a tight hug. He hears the volleyball thud to the ground behind him and can feel Ushijima envelop him in a hug back, head pressed to the side of his.
The warmth and sweat surround Tendou, and he is grateful for it. He reprimands himself internally for being afraid that Ushijima suddenly hated him, comforted instantly by the hug even though he knew it was Ushijima who needed reassurance right now. Even then, Ushijima squeezes Tendou back as if Tendou were the one who had run to the gym because he was stressed out (which, Tendou supposed, he had been). Amid his morality hurricane, he had somehow found Tendou in the middle of his own to shelter him.
He was suddenly, painfully reminded of how much he loved Ushijima.
“You don’t have to have sex with the goat,” Tendou finally says, holding him tightly.
Ushijima quickly replies, “I do not want the goat to fuck me either.”
Tendou laughs despite himself, his entire body relaxing into Ushijima. He pulls back slightly, and Ushijima copies him, softened face staring at his.
Tendou shakes his head and says firmly, “That doesn’t have to happen either.”
Ushijima tilts his head at him, confused. “But you said- “
“I know,” Tendou squeezes him gently, knowing he needed to help stop his boyfriend from spiralling over these moral dilemmas. “I know what I said. I was joking. But you can choose to not fuck the goat and live with it. People have done worse and gotten away with it, right?”
Ushijima considers this. “Yes, but I do not want people to think of me in that way.”
Tendou stares at him in helpless adoration, at his perfectly perfect and yet self-conscious boyfriend. He thinks over his words, eventually replying, “Then you’d just have to change their opinions and do a lot of good things. Become the best spiker in the world, volunteer at an animal shelter, solve world hunger. You just got to do enough good that people say, ‘That’s the guy who changed the world… and maybe fucked a goat.’”
Amusement begins to push the concern off Ushijima’s face and Tendou smiles at the sight of it. He continues, “Besides, it might not be everybody in the world. How would they know? And even if it was, I’d still be with you.”
That stumps Ushijima. “You would?” He questions.
“Of course!” Tendou exclaims before narrowing his eyes playfully. “Though I’d question your taste depending on whether you fucked the goat before or after we got together.”
Ushijima laughs, the sound deep in his chest and making the butterflies surrounding Tendou flutter away, grounded in Ushijima’s arms. The sides of Ushijima’s eyes crinkle with the laughter and Tendou drinks in every moment of it. Then, Ushijima drops his head down, leaning it against Tendou’s forehead.
He’s smiling. Tendou wants to eat it.
“You promise?” Ushijima says softly, holding Tendou tighter as if he were going to run away. Tendou scoffs internally at the thought.
“Cross my heart and hope to die,” Tendou supplies, eyes flickering down to Ushijima’s lips that curve into a small frown.
“No dying.”
And that’s the last thing Tendou hears before he presses into Ushijima and captures his mouth in a small, soft kiss.
When they pull apart, blinking awake, Tendou remembers where they are and, well, where they should actually be. The thought seems to establish itself in Ushijima, too, as he stares with such pure adoration and apology at Tendou that his knees almost buckle at the sight.
“You ready to go?” Tendou mumbles, unable to help himself from looking at Ushijima’s mouth. Ushijima smiles and kisses his forehead before nodding.
So, their first Valentine’s Day didn’t begin as either one of them had expected. And yet, despite all the goat-fuckery, they made it to breakfast and the beach, albeit later than they had planned. They spent the day immersed and content in each other’s company, where Tendou delighted in walking along the sand with Ushijima, swinging their hands together and pointing at things they could see as they walked. As they picnicked, they stole glances and kisses from each other, the taste of chocolate on their tongues (from Tendou’s request to feed each other the heart-shaped chocolates he had made which Ushijima was all too happy to accept).
When it grew later and the setting sun cast a light over the two of them, Ushijima never took his eyes off Tendou, not once. It was a day spent happily; even when they reluctantly forced themselves to go back to Shiratorizawa, the two ended up in Tendou’s dorm amidst the bouquets and bouquets of flowers ranging from roses to sunflowers that Ushijima had given to Tendou, ears tinting pink until Tendou had mercifully kissed him and saved him from his embarrassment. And if Semi had been kicked out of the room until curfew, Tendou supposed that was only right considering the upheaval he had brought to the beginning of their day.
Oh, Valentine’s Day. If it was for only one reason the day was marked a success, moral dilemmas and all, it would have been because they loved each other. It was as simple as that.