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"Ronan," he whispers, and his voice sounds like Cabeswater's enchanted air.
He is a solid weight beside you, keeping you warm and safe. He leans in for a kiss as you slide your arms around his waist, tugging him as close as possible. The sound that escapes his mouth makes you feel alive and real and you can't imagine what it is to feel alone again.
Suddenly you go cold, his hands on your chest are pushing--pushing away from you--and you can't move.
"I have to leave," he says, and you feel him slipping from you, as he stumbles out of your sight.
"Wait," you say, the panic clear in your voice, "please, stay, just for--"
--and then you wake up.
You remember his body falling to the ground, blood pouring from his mouth and nose and ears and eyes--there was so much blood. You have seen many ugly things in your life, impossible things, but the sight of his bloodied face will be forever marked as the most surreal.
You remember Gansey crying, Blue dropping to her knees, Noah fading out. Remember Gansey's frantic "No, no, no, this can't--this can't be happening--what happened--how did this happen--we have to do something--we have to--," and you remember Blue's hands hovering over his body, still afraid to touch him, remember Noah's hollow look just as he faded completely.
You remember backing into a tree, shouting at Cabeswater, throwing your fists around, the anger engulfing you. Remember Cabeswater's silence and the pain roaring in your chest, remember Blue pulling you into her arms and you letting her--clinging to her and finally your voice goes horse and the shouting stops.
You remember the police questioning you about what happened, remember not answering a single question and driving to St. Agnes after. You remember all the energy leaving your body with every step you took, remember falling down onto his mattress and then--nothing.
It's the first day of school and everyone is throwing you curious glances. Then the principals strides in and explains the unfortunate and tragic incident and you hear Gansey's breath hitch and the curious glances turn into shock and pity and you leave.
You drive around the town aimlessly and after an hour you're not surprised to find yourself at St. Agnes again and this time you trash his place; throw things around and tear it all down to pieces and only when you find the note 'manibus. for your hands' you stop and fall to the ground and never in your life have you been able to relate to a trashed empty room as much as you do in that moment.
It's his birthday and Gansey locked himself into his room, Blue is writing notes that say 'don't forget to eat' and 'don't forget to shower' and 'don't forget to sleep' and sticks them all over the place. Noah appears and you ask him how Adam's ghosts didn't manifest yet and Noah says "I don't know," and fades out again.
You drive to Cabeswater and demand answers, but the forest doesn't feel right and keeps silent. You shout some more even though you know it's pointless and punch a tree. You bleed all over the ground and watch your blood dry and only when you're done spelling out a 'why' in big red letters you leave.
It's the day of his funeral and Blue is fixing your tie as Gansey finally emerges. He looks terrible but the sight of Blue makes him relax. For a moment you feel a familiar emotion--jealousy--emerging, jealousy for the fact that Gansey has someone to ground him, someone he can relax around--even in hard times like these. But you push it down, immediately feeling guilty and leave for the car.
The service is small and when you spot his father it takes all of Blue's strength to keep you from starting a fight. You don't think he would have minded you beating up his father at his own funeral.
After, you all go to Nino's, but it feels wrong and you leave without ordering, driving to 300 Fox Way. There nobody judges you when you drink yourself into complete unconsciousness.
You remember the first time Gansey dragged him to Monmouth, the anger you felt at this intrusion that came in the form of a pretty boy with bruises and soft eyes.
You remember sitting together at Nino's, listening to Gansey's endless monologue about Glendower, only stopping to smile at Blue. You remember throwing some insult at her and her spitting something as nasty back, remember Gansey's tired attempt to stop you two and Adams lazy eye-roll.
You remember Latin lessons, you blocking everything out but him, staring at the sharp lines of his face, taking in the colour of his hair and his eyes, wanting nothing more than to reach out and trace all his scars and bruises and suck the colour out of him until he's nothing but black and white and pale and unnoticeable, until he won't be a distraction anymore, not worth dwelling over.
You remember his tired eyes trying to stay open to read whatever book was next to him, remember him failing, his breathing getting slower until he dozed off with the book in his lap. You remember the moonlight hitting his form through the window, making him looks as holy as something at St. Agnes should look.
You remember lazy days at the barns, the frustration of not being able to wake the sleeping wearing off, remember just walking around the house with him, pointing out random objects, remember him guessing what came from a dream and what from this world.
You remember, remember, remember, but you don't want to.
You remember every single detail of every moment you spent together, remember every word he said and the shape of his mouth as he said it, remember his eyes lighting up when something finally went his way and the way his body carried him around. You remember his hands around a drink at Nino's and full of dirt at Cabeswater and shaking on a school morning from sleep deprivation. Remember his hectic breathing in the small room at St. Agnes when he was having a nightmare, the small secret smile he shared with you on rare occasions.
You remember it every day, keep playing it over and over since that day his body stopped being able to remember anything.
It's driving you insane, robbing you of your last bit of energy, killing every living piece of you that's left. But you can't just forget, it's burned into your mind, and even though the hurt and grief is toying with your sanity there is no way you would trade it for obliviousness. You don't want to remember, but you also don't want to forget, because the pain means that it was real, that the time you shared wasn't a dream.
You weren't able to give him much during his life, the least you can do is remember him. You are keeping him alive through the hurting, and you don't know what he would have said about this, but you feel like you owe him this, to keep him knowable.
It's graduation day and there are too many people at Aglionby, it's making your head hurt, too many voices and happy smiles. Gansey delivers the longest speech you've ever heard and he tears up at the end when he dedicates it to Adam, but you are too drunk to feel anything but the dull ache in your head and the coldness spreading through your body.
Declan is there with Matthew, and while Declan just shoots you a disgusted glare for the stench of alcohol all the guests can pick up your younger brother hugs you and says "I'm so proud of you," and it nearly breaks the ice.
It's the day Gansey leaves for college, you are standing at the airport as he clings to Blue. When they're done he comes over to you and hugs you and makes you promise to call him every day. He goes through the check in and you pretend not to notice Blue crying and when she says "I guess now I'm stuck with your sorry ass," you slump an arm over her shoulders, guiding you to the exit and say, "Whatever, maggot."
"Ronan," he whispers, and his voice sounds far away, as if he's speaking through a wall of glass.
He is like a distant childhood memory, reminding you of home and safety. You reach out to him, trying to touch him but grasping nothing but air. The sound that escapes your mouth expresses the panic you feel and you can't remember what it is to feel whole again.
Suddenly something warm hits your chest, his fingertips tracing a pattern and you can't move.
"You have to let go," he says, and you feel him slipping from you, as he stumbles out of your sight.
"Wait," you say, the defeat clear in your voice, "please don't--I can't--"
--and then you wake up.