Work Text:
March 4th, 2025
El Paso, Texas
I don’t wanna hear an “I told you so” okay?
I don’t care what Frank told me about journaling, I wasn’t convinced at the time, but I guess here I am now.
Truth is, I’m lonely.
Moving to El Paso and being practical neighbors with my parents hasn’t been easy. Things have been going pretty well with Chris, though it hasn’t been easy.
It’ll be a month as of tomorrow since I’ve moved here from L.A. I’m missing the 118, my old home, my friends, Buck. I don’t think I expected this transition to be this hard. I obviously wasn’t expecting it to be easy, but… Chris is still pissed at me. He’s confused, he’s hurt, he misses his mom. I do too.
Our dinner last week felt like a shift in a good direction. We finally were able to sit down 1 on 1, without my parents standing over my shoulder. I made him a three cheese mac and cheese and garlic bread - thanks to Buck’s expert instructions. He FaceTimed me the entire time, making sure I made the roux correctly and didn’t over-bake the bread. It was comforting to know a part of him still followed me to Texas.
It was the first time since I got here that I talked to Chris about his mom. I told him how confused and hurt I was too. How Shannon left a hole in my heart that Kim tried to fill. It wasn’t right. I made a mistake, which adults sometimes do. Chris listened but was quiet. He seemed to soften by the end of the night, maybe finding some comfort in my honesty. We haven’t talked about moving back to Los Angeles yet, to be honest, I’m scared to bring it up. If he says no… what will I tell Buck? I told him 6 months max. I’ll be back in half a year… I was feeling ambitious. Hopeful. But, being here… visiting my childhood home and town and friends… I’m lonely.
Eddie .
March 10th, 2025
El Paso, Texas
My parents, no, parents actually care for their children, Helena and Ramon, make me feel lower than dirt sometimes. They cover it up, saying they’re doing these things out of love and care, but it’s really not.
They cornered me after Chris went to bed, saying they’re worried about me. Saying they recognize the effort, but my presence isn’t making things easier for Chris and they think he should live with them PERMANENTLY.
They asked for full custody.
I wanted to scream and get in their face. I’m still shaking with anger. How could they? After everything I’ve done to repair my relationship with my son, they still want to take him from me. I couldn’t yell though, not even raise my voice with Christopher in the other room. Instead, I stood my ground and said “no” and I left.
I called Buck when I got home and cried. I cried for hours and Buck was there, not here, but over the phone, and stayed with me while I cried and cried. He stayed on the call with me until I fell asleep. I miss Buck every day I’m here. He’s the only friend I have that understands my situation. I’ve been tempted to ask him to visit, knowing that Chris couldn’t stay mad with Buck there. But it’s selfish, I know that. Buck doesn’t deserve to deal with this mess. It’s mine to take care of, my problems to fix.
Instead I’m sitting in an empty kitchen, in a dreadfully silent house. My eyes are swollen and bloodshot. Buck says there’ll be better days again. I hope he’s right.
Eddie .
March 12th, 2025
El Paso, Texas
They haven’t given up asking for full custody of Christopher. They’re hitting low blows now, trying to get me to give in, give up.
“What if he catches you with another woman again? He can’t handle that sort of trauma twice, Edmundo.”
And “are you stable enough to handle raising a teenager? Aren’t you still in therapy?”
And “having him move again is a lot of stress on a child. It’s best for him to stay here, with two parents to care for him.”
I feel sick recalling our conversations. Deep down I feel like they’re right. Am I stable enough for him? Is Chris getting the father he deserves or am I being selfish again?
Buck keeps telling me that I’m a great dad and Christopher needs me, but I don’t know.
My sisters, Adriana and Sophia, have been wonderfully kind. As adults now, they’ve really shown me how we just survived childhood together. We rely on each other, even now. I forgot how much I’ve missed them.
They stop every week with a different batch of leftovers for me to reheat. It’s all “are you getting enough sleep?” and “are you sure you’re eating enough?”
I roll my eyes and we sip wine and catch up on our time apart, and it’s really nice. This is the part of my family that I miss the most.
Eddie .
March 15th, 2025
El Paso, Texas
I reconnected with an old friend last night, Oliver. An old high school friend I hadn’t seen in several years. He knew Shannon, too. It was strange explaining how Shannon died to someone who knew her. The events with Kim made it feel like it wasn’t that long ago, but Chris was just a boy when his mom passed.
He asked how I felt living in my hometown again and I felt the urge to be honest instead of saying my generic, unrevealing answer.
We ended up talking for hours. Sat at the bar on South Ave and talked and talked. He was a familiar face and he was easy to get along with. He talked about his job as a mill worker and his family drama (join the club). And then how he recently divorced his wife of 10 years after realizing he wasn’t straight. That part stuck with me for a while.
“I sort of realized I wasn’t truly happy or being my authentic self. I loved, still love, my wife but not as a romantic partner, ya know? She is my best friend, but I realized it wasn’t fair to her anymore.”
“How so?” I asked.
“She deserved a husband who loved her like a husband should, not as a friend. It was hard for a while, but she agreed. Our sex life wasn’t ever that great either. It felt like I was performing, acting out the part. Like I had to do this thing because that’s what everyone expected me to do, right? But, after a while I realized I was living a lie.”
I told him, “That must’ve been hard to come to terms with. Shannon and I met so young, I often wonder if maybe we should’ve just been best friends too. Getting married seemed like the right thing to do after she got pregnant. But we were so young and naïve. I often wonder if we would've even stayed together if my son hadn’t come along.”
Oliver nodded along to my confession and I felt seen for the first time in a month.
“It’s hard to know if you’re making the right decisions until it’s in the past and you can look back in hindsight. But, I don’t regret coming out so late in life. I’m happier now than I’ve ever been. I’m no longer lying to myself. It’s freeing.”
His story is sticking with me in a way I didn’t expect. Am I making the right decisions? For my son? For myself? I don’t know.
I always wonder how Shannon and I would’ve ended up if I hadn’t enlisted in the army and we didn’t have Chris. Was she my person, or just a best friend, like Oliver was to his wife?
I really don’t think I’m gay.
I’ve never really looked at men that way. But, I don’t think I’ve ever really looked at women that way either? Have I been dating because I like women? Or am I trying to replace Shannon and the hole she left? I’m not sure I’ll ever really know.
Maybe that priest was right. Should I choose the juice…?
Eddie.
March 19th, 2025
El Paso, Texas
Chris and I got into a fight this morning. I asked him if he missed his friends and school from L.A.
“Obviously I miss my friends, Dad.” He said.
“Do you like your friends here in El Paso?”
“Yeah. They are nice too.”
“Would you ever want to move back to Los Angeles?” I asked.
“Why? Do you miss Kim or something?”
I turned red, the edge of my voice became sharp. I didn’t mean to and I regret it now. “No, absolutely not. I’m just asking if you ever wanted to go back home to your old friends.”
“Home? Where Mom died? No, I don’t want to.”
“I know it’s hard but there’s good things at home too. And, you can’t stay with your grandparents forever, Chris. You need to come home eventually.”
“Why do I have to do anything you say? You’ve only been here for a month and now you want to be my dad again?”
“Chris, I’ve always been your Dad. I let you leave because I wanted you to have that choice. But I didn’t expect you to never come back!”
“I don’t want to go back.”
I buried my head in my hands. “You’re coming back home eventually, hijo. I’ll give you some more time to think but you’re coming home with me.”
“No!” He shouted. I recoiled. “I’m not going back, ever!”
Helena and Ramon came rushing in from outside before I could finish talking with Chris. They were furious with me. I don’t care anymore. I need my son back.
After they calmed Chris down, they ripped me a new one. I felt 17 again. Being screamed at for one stupid thing or another. For getting Shannon pregnant and enlisting in the army, running away from my problems. I’ve never felt smaller than standing in my childhood living room, being scolded by my parents. Except now I’m an adult, a father, and my child is in the other room listening to how his dad failed him, again.
I can’t even cry anymore.
I’m itching to drink the bottle of Jack in the cabinet. I know I should call Buck and vent. He makes me feel better every time my parents beat me down. Will he get sick of my shit too? He hasn’t yet, I guess. I hope he never does.
Eddie .
March 20th, 2025
El Paso, Texas
I fucked up.
I drank the Jack Daniel’s last night and was hung over all morning and early afternoon. I hadn’t looked at my phone all day… I wish I would’ve looked sooner. My dumbass texted Buck. I’m writing this down to hopefully make it seem less bad than it actually is. Frank would tell me to make a pro‘s and con’s list. How the fuck do I pro and con this shit?
1:28 A.M.
Me: “I miss you.”
Me: “My parents make me feel like a loser. You don’t think I’m a loser, right?”
Me: “I wish you were here.”
Me: “You’d probably hate it here though. Boring compared to LA.”
Me: “I’d really like to see you, though. FaceTime is cool but it’s not the same as seeing your pretty face.”
Me: “Okay, well, I love you. Night night Buck <3”
I left out all the drunken typos, but uh, yeah. The worst part? Buck actually responded to all that mess.
7:50 A.M.
Buck: “Love you too, Eddie”
My headache is coming back as I write this. So long for now.
Eddie.
March 23rd, 2025
El Paso, Texas
It’s a beautiful day in El Paso today. The days are getting longer and the sun is feeling warmer.
I talked with Chris, alone, for the first time since our fight. I missed him. Even if we argue, at least we are talking, in the same room together. Better than it was over a phone screen.
Chris apologized, which surprised me. I forget how grown he’s gotten until I catch glimpses of Shannon in his face, especially when he’s sad. Those big piercing, green eyes. My heart aches every time.
“I didn’t mean when I said I never wanted to go back to L.A.”
“Really?” I was shocked.
“Really. I’m… I’m just not sure if I’m ready. Everything about home reminds me of mom right now…”
“Me too, bud.”
“But, I do miss my friends from school. And Denny, Mara, Henry, May, Jee. And Buck.”
“They miss you too. Buck misses you a lot.”
“Yeah… he texts me sometimes.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Usually about some Star Wars fan news or random animals videos. He’s weird.”
“Buck is weird. But that’s what makes him great, right?”
“Right.”
I’m taking this as progress. One step at a time, that’s what Buck said when I called him later. He always knows the right thing to say. Thank god for technology, or how would I survive without Buck’s witty banter and eye rolling jokes? In the old days I’d be waiting by the mailbox I’m sure, hoping a letter would arrive every day. Buck would probably write me pages and pages of random stuff he’d researched or the tiniest thoughts that popped into his head.
And you know what? I’d love to read every word.
Eddie .
March 29th, 2025
El Paso, Texas
I met with my friend Oliver again last night. A different bar, closer downtown. Would’ve been nice if he told me it was a gay bar.
Yeah… you can imagine my surprise once I figured it out. Kind of surprised how relaxed it was though? I had a great time. I truly thought it was a regular bar except the music was better and the drinks were stronger. But, it being a gay bar is not why I’m a little shaken up. It’s what Oliver said when I asked why he brought me here…
“Tell me why another dude just asked for my number. Am I an El Paso 10 or what?”
Oliver had laughed, so hard his face turned red. “Um, yeah. An El Paso 10 is what, a L.A. 3?”
“Ha ha, funny. But seriously, what’s the deal? Have I lost my charm?”
Oliver gave me a funny look then. “What do you mean? 2 dudes numbers and you’re complaining? Damn.”
“Well I don’t swing that way, so yeah. Flattered sure, but I’m straight.”
You would’ve thought I slapped the guy next. “Oh-oh. I’m sorry Eddie, I was... This is a gay bar. I didn’t realize you weren’t…”
Let me just say, my mouth was catching flies at this point. I had no idea what to say next. I stumbled over my next few sentences saying something like, “oh, it’s okay man. All good. Don’t worry about it. Still having a fun time.”
And now as I’m recalling what happened, I’m feeling a little uneasy.
Because sure, I’ve been to a gay bar before. Once with Hen, Karen and Buck after he came out as bisexual. But, the fact that Oliver assumed I was… what? Not straight? That he thought I would enjoy a gay bar for the purpose of… and not just to be an ally for a friend?
I’ve been spiraling a little. No, no . I’m not questioning my sexuality. Just a little taken aback is all.
I think so.
I don’t know.
I should ask Buck. He’ll reassure me, I’m sure. He always knows the right thing to say.
Eddie.
April 2nd, 2025
El Paso, Texas
Chris played a mean prank on me yesterday and I honestly couldn’t be happier.
I woke up early for my shift at the El Paso County dispatch (a temporary job while I’m living here) and went to the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee.
Except, all my mugs were upside down. Actually, everything in the cabinet was upside down. Now, in my morning haze, I didn’t think much of it.
Until I reached for the coffee grounds and discovered the container was empty.
Empty!
Now, wide awake and pissed off, I knew something was up. I make coffee every morning and this can of Folgers was full. I know it.
I searched every cabinet. The fridge. The freezer. The garbage can. The compost bin (Buck told me I had to get one). Nowhere to be found.
I also discovered that everything in my fridge and freezer was upside down too!
Totally thought I was losing my mind.
Until, there was a chirpy knock at my front door. Low and behold, Christopher, standing with a cup of hot coffee.
“April Fool’s!”
I almost burst into tears of joy. I took the cup from his hands and wrapped him in a tight hug until he was complaining for me to let go. God, I love that kid.
His grandparents sat in their car parked in the driveway. Chris told me it was one of his friend’s ideas, but he had Helena’s help executing it.
It’s starting to feel like Chris is growing used to me being around here. It feels good. Really good.
I haven’t been talking to Buck as much lately. He’s grown quiet on me. I’ve been too distracted with Chris and my sisters to notice at first, but now it’s becoming obvious and… I miss him.
It’s been over two months since I left. We used to call or FaceTime nearly every day at first. When I was lonely and things with Chris weren’t going as good. Now, I’m not sure.
I hope he hasn’t forgotten about me. He texted me “good morning” two days ago but I forgot to reply, being caught up with Chris and things. I should call him. Make sure things are okay between us. I’d hate for things to have changed this much after so little time.
Feels sort of silly to think anything has changed between Buck and I. We’ve been through so much together, I doubt my move has affected him any more than just missing having me around. And how he sees Ravi more often. He once told me he missed Chris too. I’ll make sure to bring him home with me. Just not sure when that’ll be yet…
Eddie.
April 4th, 2025
El Paso, Texas
Bobby called me today. Unfortunately with news I was expecting to hear.
He’s worried about Buck. He’s falling back into the same behaviors he did after I was shot, just more subtle now. He’s taking more risks, disobeying orders, distancing himself from the crew. I had a feeling this might happen.
Buck was so understanding and helpful when I told him about my move to El Paso. I found a nice 2 bedroom house to rent at a month by month rate. I leased out my home to a nice family with a young kid. Buck was there for every step. He’s actually the one who suggested I rent out my home while I’m away, to get the extra income.
But, I should’ve known he was struggling deep down. The day I left for El Paso, the U-Haul hooked up to my truck, we stood in the rain and talked. I promised him I’d be back. I promised I wasn’t leaving forever. We hugged and I think I heard his heart breaking a bit.
I was only able to drive away because I knew we’d see each other again. I promised.
I told Bobby I would talk to Buck and try to reassure him that things are okay. I can only do so much when I’m over here, so far from my 118 family.
Sometimes I’ll lie awake in bed for hours, wondering if I’m making the right decisions. I really don’t know. I think about the conversation I had with Oliver a lot. He seemed so sure he was making the right choices, he’s so confident in himself. I want to be there someday too.
Eddie.
April 5th, 2025
El Paso, Texas
Work kind of sucks. Reminds me of working as a liaison in L.A. all over again. It was fine at first, but I’m bored. I’m craving some excitement?… More purpose? Something to keep my mind and body moving? I’m not sure. I’m trying not to be distracted because I’m here for Chris, but… I just really miss the 118 more every day. I miss Cap, Hen, Chimney, Buck.. heck, I even miss Ravi. Buck told me he took my spot since I moved. Damn kid. He better not get too comfy.
Oliver visited my place last night. We had a couple beers and sat on the back deck since it was nice out. I had to tell him to stop apologizing about the gay bar thing.
“No, really, Eddie, I’m sorry. It wasn’t my place to assume anything about you.”
I sighed, annoyed from hearing the same speech four times already. “Dude. There’s nothing to be sorry about. I still had a great time! Though, I started feeling kinda sorry for the guys I turned down, ha.”
Oliver laughed, but I could still sense his embarrassment. “Consider yourself lucky either way, I’ve never had that many people interested in me, like ever.”
“Aw, c’mon. Handsome guy like you? I’m sure the ladies - or fellas are waiting in line to catch that smile of yours.”
Oliver laughed and laughed, I’m guessing the beer made him giddy. “Yeah, yeah, sure. Thanks, Eds. What about you then? Anyone hold your heart back in L.A?”
Something about Oliver makes me feel at ease. I think it’s because he reminds me of Buck a little bit. Curly dark hair, bright green eyes, a soft smile, rosy cheeks. His humor makes him so easy to talk to.
So, I told him. I told him about Ana, Marisol, and Kim. He listened intently, humming along as I spoke. I appreciate his candor and how his lips quirk in a smile every so often. He really is like Buck, especially now that we’re full grown adults and not school kids.
“So, not a great track record with the ladies then?”
I rolled my eyes so hard I started to feel like Christopher. “No, guess not. My buddy, Buck, takes all the charm I guess. I should take notes. He pulls men and women.”
“He’s bisexual?”
“Yeah, he came out to me a year or so ago, after he started dating a friend of ours. They’re broken up now, though. Buck deserved way better anyways. He’s a great cook and baker, a hilarious jokester, and a badass firefighter... anyone would be lucky to have him.”
“He sounds like a fun dude. Maybe you could hook a pal up?”
I don’t know why, but Oliver asking for Buck’s number ticked me off a little. Why would he even want to date someone who lived so far away? Not that Buck wouldn’t visit El Paso, I guess, but still. I hesitated. Oliver sensed the change and started to back off.
“Or, nevermind. You just talk so highly of him, he seemed like a great friend to have around.”
“Yeah, he is. I mean, sure, I guess. I’ll text you his number. You might be his type anyways, I don’t know.”
Our hang out fizzled out pretty quick after that. I couldn’t seem to get the picture of Oliver and Buck on a date. Them holding hands, going out to eat or the movies, sneaking a kiss at the end of the night… I just can’t picture it going well. I don’t want Buck’s heart to be broken again. He deserves someone who knows him. Oliver doesn’t know Buck like I do.
I hope he isn’t actually Buck’s type.
Eddie.
April 10th, 2025
El Paso, Texas
Bobby was right, something is wrong with Buck.
I texted him shortly after I gave Oliver his number, just to give him a heads up. Our conversations have been… weird since then. His replies are short and don’t contain emoji’s (had to ask Chris what those were called) anymore. My calls go to voicemail a lot now too. Maybe I’ve overestimated how much distance our friendship could take. I tried talking to him about what Bobby told him. He kept repeating that “he’s fine” and “there’s nothing at all to worry about.”
But I just don’t know. I’m worried he’s giving up hope on my return. It’s been 2 months and I still don’t have a return date with Chris. I told Buck I don’t break my promises but I don’t know if he believed me this time.
Everyday is different with Chris lately. Oliver says it’s a “teenager thing” and “don’t you remember how we used to be? 10 times worse.” I think maybe he’s right.
My parents haven’t brought up full custody in a while either. I think they’ve been noticing the changes in Christopher’s behavior towards me. He comes by my house almost 3 times a week now. We talk, cook together, play video games and board games, I help him with homework… It feels so normal on good days.
Except that we aren’t in L.A. and Buck isn’t here.
I don’t think I (or even Chris) realized how much of a hole Buck filled in our lives. He was our mediator, clipboard organizer, our homemaker, research expert, professional prankster, all things we’ve been missing lately.
I catch myself talking about Buck more often than not. I have to stop myself at work, at my parent’s, with my sisters… Buck, Buck, Buck. I think his silence this week is driving me a little crazy. This is the longest we’ve been apart in… a while.
I’m going to try calling him tomorrow, since I know he’s off for 48. Hearing his voice would be nice.
Eddie.
April 11th, 2025
El Paso, Texas
My phone call with Buck was fine, but I’m left feeling empty and sad.
He apologized for being quiet, he’s been busy with work and helping Maddie and Chim prepare for their baby. Apparently he’s been talking to Oliver too.
“Oliver seems nice. He tells me a lot of stories from when you two were in school.”
“Oh, boy, hopefully not the illegal stuff.”
I laughed when Buck gasped loudly over the line. “Eddie! You? Illegal stuff? No, he hasn’t, but now I know what to ask!”
“Yeah, yeah, Buckley. So, does he seem like a good romantic contender?” I held my breath.
“Maybe. But, unless he plans to move to Los Angeles, I’m not interested. Long distance isn’t for me.”
Buck’s comment deflated me a little. Because “long distance isn’t for me” is not what I want to hear from my long distance best friend…
“It would be nice if you could visit sometime. I miss you - Chris does too.”
Buck was silent for a long time, I thought maybe we lost connection before he spoke again. “Yeah, I miss you both too. But, I don’t know about visiting anytime soon though, with Maddie being so close to her due date and work and stuff.”
“Yeah, I get it. Just wanted you to know.”
We talked about Christopher’s science project after that. I enjoyed listening to Buck ramble a bit. But, I felt sad knowing we weren’t going to see each other for… a while.
A part of me feels selfish for missing L.A. so much. I’m here for my son, he matters more than anything to me. Wherever he is, I should be happy. But, deep down, I miss how things used to be before I fucked it up.
When Chris gets mad at me and we fight, it’s usually over something stupid and then it always leads to Shannon. Even after all these years, her ghost still haunts me. I have to remind myself that Chris is growing up, but he’s still a kid. He’s confused and misses his mother. It’s difficult to navigate without Buck here to talk to him too. Buck has a better way with words than I do. But, I think just me being here for Chris is helping. We’ve made progress.
But, man, I want to go home - the home I made with Chris and Buck and the 118. It feels so out of reach some days.
I’ve told most of this to Oliver and his advice was, “re-reading the last chapter won’t finish the book.” I don’t really get it, but maybe it’s starting to make sense.
Eddie.
April 20th 2025
El Paso, Texas
Work has been killing me with overtime and 3rd shifts. I’m exhausted all the time. And all my free time goes to spending it with Chris. His science fair project went great, I made sure to tell Buck right away. That’s all I got time for today, hoping for a day off in the next couple days.
Eddie.
April 24th, 2025
El Paso, Texas
I had a panic attack for the first time in years. And it’s all Oliver’s fault.
We met downtown to watch the Astros game at a sports bar. It was my first night off after a long stretch of overtime. The drinks were flowing and the conversations were good. I’m not even sure when things took a turn, but somewhere, somehow they did. It was late, really late. The game was long over and I lost count of how many drinks I had, Oliver did too.
I don’t remember how, but he started asking me questions. I really can’t remember every one, only a few.
“Would you ever date a man? Just to see how it went?”
“No? I mean, I don’t know, how much different is it from dating a woman?” I asked.
“Not much, really. I mean, you could practically consider us sitting at a bar watching the game on a date. We’re just hanging out.”
“I guess.”
I ordered another beer at this point. Stupid.
“What about kissing a guy? Have you ever tried?”
“No. But, I’ve seen guys kiss each other before. I guess… I’ve always felt intrigued.”
“Intrigued by what?” Oliver was eyeing me curiously then.
“By what it was like, I suppose. How it was different from kissing women.”
“What about sex?”
I almost choked on my beer. “What about sex?”
“Have you also wondered what it was like with a man?”
In my defense, the alcohol was hitting me hard at this point. “Yeah, sometimes. I’ve watched gay porn before.”
“Really? Surprised but not really. Did you like it?”
“Kinda, a little.”
I should’ve known where this was going, but the memory is starting to fade. My intoxicated ass was oblivious. So fucking oblivious.
The bar was only a few blocks from Oliver’s house, so we left at bar-close and started to stumble back to his place. After several attempts to unlock his door, we staggered inside, and the next thing I know- Oliver is kissing me.
He pressed his body against mine, my back against the door, and he kissed me. Twice, three times, five even. I don’t know.
And the thing is… I didn’t hate it. I was shocked at first and my head snapped to reality almost instantly. But, I didn’t pull away. I didn’t… want to pull away? His big hands and strong arms felt nice against my body and skin. His lips were soft and wet and he made noises I…
I don’t… know what this means.
We kissed for a while, I’m not sure how long. When he pulled away my lips were tingling and hot and I was panting. I’ve never had a kiss like that before. I’m almost embarrassed it’s taken me this long to experience something so… nice.
Oliver started apologizing again and I almost didn’t know why in my buzzed state of mind.
I found myself sleeping on his couch, feeling eerily similar to the nights spent at Buck’s loft.
Waking up felt like a car crash, all the memories flooded back and I couldn’t breathe. My lungs still burn. I left Oliver’s house without saying goodbye. I took the longest shower of my life and my mind’s still racing.
Because what the fuck does this mean? I didn’t hate Oliver kissing me… I think… I didn’t even mind it, really? He’s a great kisser, I guess. It felt… good. Maybe I was just too buzzed to think straight. Was I actually kissing him back or just going along with the motions? I… don’t know if I can admit the honest answer.
And one time doesn’t mean anything… Friends can kiss a little and still be platonic. French people kiss on the lips all the time, I think Buck told me that once.
I should probably tell Buck, but I’m feeling anxious just thinking about it. Fuck.
I’m thinking I should burn this page. I’ll rip it out of the book and set it on fire so maybe it’ll go away? I can hear Frank’s voice telling me that’s not how feelings work.
I really don’t know what to do now.
Eddie.
April 30th, 2025
El Paso, Texas
I haven’t told Buck about what happened with Oliver yet. We’ve started talking on the phone a bit more and it’s nice how normal it feels with his voice filling this empty house.
I even got Buck to FaceTime Chris now too. I gave them some privacy to chat without me and all I heard was laughter and giggling the whole time. I haven’t felt this hopeful in a long time.
I haven’t talked to Oliver since that night either. He’s texted me a couple times but I don’t even read them. Sometimes, after tossing and turning in bed, I touch my lips and swear I can feel his on mine again. I can’t even remember how Shannon used to kiss me and she was my wife.
A sense of shame settles in my gut whenever I think about the kiss we shared. I can’t figure out why I feel so ashamed, like I’ve done something wrong. I’m single… but I let my gay friend kiss me when he knows I’m straight. It feels wrong, because I kissed him back and… liked it?
Yeah, okay, fine. I did like kissing Oliver. It doesn’t mean I’m not straight, though. I think.
I’m just going to have to table these thoughts for now. I need to focus on Christopher and bringing him home. That’s what matters right now.
Eddie.
May 6th, 2025
El Paso, Texas
Helena and Ramon have pushed me over the edge. I’ve been holding off writing this down for a couple days so I could collect my thoughts. Frank would say I’ve been “stewing” or whatever. I’m not proud of the shit I said to them but I meant every single word. I made Chris stand outside while I talked to them. I didn’t want him to hear what I had to say to his grandparents.
Here’s basically how it started…
“How long are you planning on staying in El Paso?” Helena asked me right after dinner.
“However long it takes for Chris to come back home with me.”
“What if he doesn’t want to go back to Los Angeles? What if he wants to stay here with us?”
“He doesn’t. We’ve been making great progress. He misses his friends and Buck.”
The mention of Buck caused my dad to scoff. “About that. We called our lawyer and we’re disappointed to hear that you put Evan Buckley as your primary beneficiary for Christopher.”
“Disappointed? Buck would - he has - protected Chris with his life. He would do anything for my son. And why the hell are you contacting a lawyer?”
“We were being serious about getting full custody of Christopher. But, you’re making this difficult for us.”
I almost burst out laughing. “Yeah, that’s the point . You’re not his parent. I am.”
“And Buck is too, apparently?” Ramon looked disgusted. His expression made my blood boil.
“Buck has practically helped me raise Christopher. He was there for him after I got shot. He’s spent more time with him than either of you combined!”
Helena gasped. “That’s not true. We should be the ones caring for Christopher. He needs a mother in his life. It makes the most sense, Edmundo.”
I ignored the ‘mother’ comment. “And how exactly are you two supposed to help while we’re in L.A? We’re not staying here.”
“But, Christopher isn’t in Los Angeles right now. He’s living with us in El Paso, with a family who has time for him.”
I couldn’t help my voice from rising. I couldn’t stand them talking so negatively about Buck and my parenting anymore. Again I’m not proud, but it was time I stood up for myself. “This was supposed to be temporary! He’s not staying here long term. We’ve already talked about moving back. Stop talking like you’re calling the shots. You’ll never have full custody of him. I wouldn’t ever let that happen. He’s my son.”
Helena looked shocked. “I just don’t see how Buck is a good role model and why he would deserve custody over his own grandparents. And, I really think Christopher is doing better in El Paso. I just don’t think you’re making very rational decisions and -”
“Stop! I don’t care to hear what either of you think anymore! Buck is and will be a better parent to Chris than either of you. Chris loves him. I trust him with my life. And you don’t get to use Christopher as your ‘re-do’ from my childhood. I had to grow up too damn fast because of you both. Buck and I are raising Chris the way that’s best for him. I know what’s best.”
They were silent for a moment but I could see their disgust and confusion with me. I know their reluctance will make it even harder to bring Chris back home. It won’t be easy, but it’ll be worth it to bring my boys back together.
I don’t know if Helena and Ramon will bring up custody again or not. I’m hoping Chris and I will be long gone before that happens.
Eddie.
May 8th, 2025
El Paso, Texas
Oliver showed up at my doorstep tonight.
I was cleaning up after my dinner with Chris. We grilled steaks and baked potatoes. It was a very nice evening, we even talked further about moving back to L.A. He said he’d like to finish out this school year and start back in Los Angeles this fall. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He sounded excited even, happy to return to his old bedroom again. I had just returned home from dropping him back off at my parents and barely made it to the kitchen before I heard the knock.
Oliver stood outside with a six pack of beer and a pitiful look.
“You’ve been ignoring my texts and calls.”
“I’ve been busy.” I said.
“So it has nothing to do with the fact that I kissed you a couple weeks ago and you’re avoiding me because of it?”
This was the first time I decided to lie to Oliver instead of telling the truth. “No. Just busy.”
“Okay. Then can I come in?”
“Why?”
“To talk… about it. I want to apologize.”
“You’re forgiven. Anything else?”
“Eddie… I am sorry. It wasn’t my right to cross that line without asking first.”
I didn’t respond. I just stared at him as he stood pathetically at my doorstep. Because it's his fault I’ve had to push these thoughts away, deep and out of sight. I feel shame over the kiss we had, I don’t like this feeling. Oliver’s been too much of a distraction anyway. I’m here to get my son back and nothing else. I don’t have time to question things that don’t matter right now. I’m feeling annoyed all over again as I write this down.
“You’re right, Oliver. It wasn’t your line to cross. I’m here to get my son back and nothing else. Got it?”
“Yes, I understand. Your son comes first. Again, I’m really sorry, Edmundo.”
“It’s Eddie. Now, excuse me, I’ve got plans.”
And then I slammed the door in his face. I wish I had Frank, or even Buck, to tell me why Oliver makes me so mad suddenly. I’m not mad that he kissed me, honestly, it was fine, so that’s not really the problem. I don’t know. I just know that I need to go home. I need to see Buck and I need my son under my roof again. That’s all I have time for right now.
Eddie.
May 12th, 2025
Los Angeles, California
I wish I was back home under different circumstances. But, no. Because when life sees that you’re already down, it kicks you down again and twice as hard.
I’m suffocating.
Maddie had called me 2 days ago.
Buck is in the hospital.
There was an accident on a call.
Buck got trapped in a fire. A burning apartment complex. Most occupants were out except for a father and son on the 3rd floor. Bobby told the team to fall back, they couldn’t reach them, the integrity of the building was compromised and they needed to get out. It wasn’t safe.
But, Buck. Of course, it’s always Buck who can’t fucking listen.
He turned around and risked his life to save the father and son. Bobby said he got them out safely, of course he did. A rope through the window, but before Buck could descend next, the rope snapped and he was trapped in the flames.
Now he’s in a medically induced coma from the 3rd degree burns on his legs and thighs. He somehow made it down the stairs and out of the building but his turnouts were scorched after the prolonged exposure.
Bobby doesn’t know how he’s even alive. I don’t know how he’s alive. The doctors don’t know how he’s alive.
Maddie was sobbing when I answered the call. I knew what that meant. I had just sat down in my truck to go to work and my heart sank to the floor. For 10 seconds I thought he was dead. I thought she was calling to tell me the tragic news and there I was, 1,000 miles away and not having a damn clue that he was dead.
Once she said the words “hospital” and “coma” I was inside the house packing a bag before I could think. I stopped to see Christopher before I made the drive to the hospital, to Buck.
Chris wanted to come with me. I told him no, I didn’t know what state Buck was going to be in. I just didn’t know.
Memories of the lighting strike flash over and over again in my head. But, this time, I wasn’t there. I wasn’t there to save Buck. I wasn’t there. I was far away and I wasn’t there for him. I can’t I don’t I . . .
I’m glad I decided to pack this journal. It’s been a sort of strange lifeline for me the last few months, and now. I’ve been watching Buck’s chest rise and fall and it’s the only thing keeping me from falling apart again. The scrapping of this pen on paper is helping a bit too.
I hate the constant beeping in hospital rooms.
Eddie.
May 13th, 2025
Los Angeles, California
The waiting is the worst part.
The doctors come in and out all the time. They want to pull him out of his coma today. They said his skin grafts are healing nicely and they think the pain should be manageable now.
I cried when they came and told us the good news. Maddie hugged me, tight and sobbed on my shoulder. I finally noticed her baby bump.
Hen, Chim, Bobby, and the team came up to me one by one, checking on how I was doing. They asked about Chris and my parents and Texas. I didn’t have much to say. My mind is only thinking about Buck.
I don’t think I’d ever forgive myself if he died.
I don’t think I could live with myself if he died and I wasn’t there.
Buck is… everything to me. I realize now, more than I ever have before, that Buck is my life. He’s Christopher’s parent and he’s my entire world.
Living in a house that Buck isn’t in isn’t a home. Living in a city without Buck is just a place. Raising Chris without Buck isn’t what I want for my son.
My life without Buck is just a life I’m surviving.
I want to start living.
Eddie.
May 20th, 2025
El Paso, Texas
I drove back to El Paso a few days ago, after Buck was deemed stable. He was surprised to see me there when he woke up. But he had a smile on his face that never left every time I saw him. When we were alone in his hospital room, I finally told him the plans Chris and I made.
“Chris wants to move back here in June, after the school year ends in El Paso.”
Buck’s eyes had lit up. I forgot how much I missed them. “Really? That’s amazing news Eddie.”
“He misses you, a lot. He’s started talking about the places he wants to go see with you when we move back home. A new aquarium, I think he said. But, after you’re healed up, of course.”
“I can’t wait. I’m so happy you two are coming home. You don’t… It's been lonely with you, Eds.”
The guilt swallowed me whole. I actually reached out and grabbed Buck’s hand, holding it tight, careful not to knock the IV sticking out. “It’s been hard without seeing you, too. And without being on the 118. I’m not cut out for the dispatch life.”
We talked for hours. Laughing and smiling and never letting go of each other’s hands. I felt happy, considering the circumstances of my visit.
Eventually I told him about Oliver, too.
“He reminded me of you, a little bit. Sorry about giving him your number by the way…”
“Don’t worry about it. We kind of stopped talking after a while anyway. But, I’m glad he was there as a friend for you to talk to.”
“Yeah… a friend I also stopped talking to.”
Buck looked taken aback. “Why? You talked so highly of him before.”
“I did. That was until he… kissed me, or, more like made out with me, actually.”
Buck’s jaw almost hit the damn floor. “He did WHAT? ”
“Kissed me, after we got back from the bar one night. Obviously I was surprised, but I didn’t…”
“Didn’t… what?”
I really don't know why I told Buck all of this. I think I’m done hiding what I’m feeling. I shouldn’t be ashamed for liking something so frivolous. Am I not allowed joy sometimes too? And, I don’t want to miss any more moments because I’m afraid. I want more moments with my son and with Buck. I’m ready.
“I didn’t hate it. I actually kind of… liked it? Trust me, not what I expected either.”
“Wow… Eddie. I’m… how are you feeling after that?”
“I feel good, actually. I’m not interested in anything with Oliver, but I’m happy. Especially now that I’m seeing you.”
We sat in silence for a while, holding hands and simply enjoying the moment.
I’m sure at some point I’ll have to face the fact that I might not be 100% straight. But, as long as my son is back home in L.A. with me, and Buck is healthy and in our life, I’m sure I’ll figure it out.
Eddie.
June 3rd, 2025
El Paso, Texas
Things have been busy, for real this time.
The fighting with my parent’s hasn’t ended. They’ve really decided to put their foot down, but since moving back home is Christopher’s idea, they haven’t had much leverage.
Buck is doing a lot better too. He’ll be on work leave for another month at least, but he’s healing fast and things are going well so far. He’s so excited to see Chris again. He’s sent me multiple texts this last week with all the new places and activities they can do together this summer. Chris can’t wait to be home.
I’ve been smiling more lately. I don’t think I would’ve noticed if Adriana and Sophia hadn’t pointed it out. They said I seemed happier and more carefree than they’ve ever seen me. I feel it too.
I’ve finished packing up the house. The lady I was renting the house from was kind enough to dismiss the closing fee (sweet). I’m almost skipping about the empty house with joy, finally able to close this chapter on my life.
My home in L.A. has been vacant for the last month, the family I rented it to moved out mid-April. I was a little too optimistic about my return date home.
Now it’s the last night in the house before Chris and I drive back to Los Angeles together… I don’t think I’ll get much sleep tonight.
Farewell, El Paso.
Eddie.
-
December 20th, 2025
Los Angeles, California
It’s been a long time since I’ve written. Things haven’t been a lot better.
Christmas is just around the corner and I’ll have both of my boys at home again. Everything is starting to feel like it used to, but better than before.
Things with Buck are different too, but in the best way possible.
He moved in with us shortly after Chris and I returned home. It was for his recovery, obviously. But, then… he just sort of lingered. I wouldn’t allow him to sleep on the couch, of course, so we shared my bed. We grew closer, on a level I wasn’t expecting.
Chris loves having Buck live with us. It means Buck’s famous pancakes and trips to the zoo and road trips and late night movies and hot fudge sundaes and laughter and smiles all the time.
I never realized life could be so simple, so happy.
Buck and I fell into rhythm so easily it’s surprising we made it this long without living together. I couldn’t imagine not having him snoring softly beside me in bed. I can’t imagine going to the grocery store alone, or picking Chris up from school without Buck in my passenger seat. Planning our meals for the week and our habitual morning bathroom routine. I never want this life with Buck to end.
And then one late night last month, Buck and I were sitting on the couch, writing down our shopping list for Christmas presents. It was so simple and so us. I ended up leaning over and kissing him.
Kissing Buck doesn’t feel like kissing Oliver at all. Except that it feels good, really damn good.
Because no, Buck is so soft and gentle and strong. He’s my partner, Christopher’s parent, my life. It’s different and I love kissing him. I love holding him and touching his birthmark with my thumb and supporting each other every single day.
As for my sexuality? I haven’t a fucking clue.
The only thing I know for sure is that I love Evan Buckley, and yeah, that’s good enough for me.
Eddie .