Chapter Text
Hyunjin was fine. He was always fine and suitable sitting alone in his room when the other members were out somewhere else, spending a few hours - or even less - regressing in private. He has been doing this since debut, but as more and more time has gone Hyunjin has had less and less time to regress.
That was okay, he got used to only doing it a couple of times a week. Even if he could barely squeeze an hour or so in (before a member interrupted him, on occasion - in which he harshly ripped himself out of the headspace and trust him - there have been close calls, many.)
This is fine.
This is okay.
But sometimes it makes Hyunjin wonder if he’s suitable to be doing this alone anymore. His time would normally be spent cuddled under his blankets and sucking on his thumb with a blank mind, sometimes he would play with the scarce bundle of plushies - or recklessly color onto a page with the many art supplies he had. He’s lucky enough to have a coloring book of SKZOOs he got gifted from a fan at a fan meeting he uses on occasion yet is shoved deep in his drawers for about a year. However, the pages are almost all used up, and Hyunjin would feel embarrassment if he was ever caught trying to sneak a damn coloring book like that again.
(“Why did you bring that with you?” Felix asked, the first time he got it. “I thought it was cute…” Felix gave him an eyebrow raise. No, he did not say anything. No, he did not ever mention or speak a word about it. Yes, this was a year ago, yet it haunts Hyunjin’s memories. There was absolutely judgement and he couldn’t live through the creeping embarrassment like that again.)
If he got lucky, he could squeeze in watching Bluey on his laptop and try not to squeal. Hyunjin always looks forward to those scarce sessions, ignoring the loneliness in his heart that he was all alone in this. It’s not like he could blame anyone for it.
Because Stray Kids or Stay ever found out? He would be done for.
It’s not a common way to cope with stress. But all those years ago when Hyunjin was in a particularly bad spot as a trainee, still determined to prove himself worthy for Stray Kids, somehow he accidentally found age regression on an old internet forum. For the life of him he couldn’t remember how it went or how it came across, but he latched on to it and never let go.
His reaction, at first; “Why would people do that?” But one night he felt comfortable enough and tried it. He couldn’t explain the feeling but being at peace. And then after that, he was afraid that it was a sexual thing but luckily that was not the case.
There was something so comforting in being in the mindset of a child, wrapping his mind in a fuzzy little blanket and being able to turn off his adult mind. But then he would realize that most people probably had a caregiver of some sorts, weren’t idols and had a lot more time on their hands, and their job wouldn’t be at risk if it was ever leaked to the public.
This loneliness has been with him for a while now, though it is mostly planted in the back of his brain where he refuses to let it flourish.
He should be fine. Right? He has been for so many years. But what if he had someone to hold in in his worst moments? Take care of him, bottle-feed him (for some reason, Hyunjin really wishes he could do that. It’s too risky to carry around a bottle like that) - Play with his plushies, watch Bluey with him and support him? Or even tuck him into bed at night…
He’s fantasized about it a lot. But he knows he will never have that, in those times of longing he remembers the risk of Stray Kids finding out - even just one member. They would be disgusted and disturbed, he would never escape out of embarrassment. Surely they would not be cruel enough to snitch to the public, right? Even then, he wouldn’t blame them if they ever found out and were disgusted.
…But he’s still lonely when he regresses.
Like, really lonely.
He didn’t know a single other little out there in the world, they are likely very scarce and hidden just like him, but he imagines they all have caregivers to hug and hold him. He wants that so bad.
Google searches on the matter don’t bring him many results - because it is just so obscure all he’ll get is a singular Wikipedia page, outdated forums, and reddit posts which don’t help.
And he could ignore it at first, but like a parasite it nags at his side. Only when he’s alone in his room, he’s able to perform and sing and dance just fine - it's after and especially at night when Hyunjin lies awake, staring at the tiles of the ceiling that he realizes. Damn. This is sad.
🍭🎀🍭🥟
Today is a day Hyunjin has been looking forward to for a week now. Lately it has been a lot of practice for an upcoming concert, but now that it’s out of the way (don’t get Hyunjin wrong, he loves performing at concerts for Stay and such) he will be able to regress freely later in the evening.
His limbs are tired from reckless dancing and throat is sore from his performance. He feels very sticky and gross from the collective sweat and can’t wait to hop in the shower, then have some delicious food and finally regress after over a week.
The band, tonight, is having takeout for dinner. Hyunjin gets to spend time on the living room couch hanging out with them and temporarily blocking out the idea of regressing. Chan made sure to give everyone sweaty hugs and tell them to shower before everyone ate, as the food wouldn’t be arriving instantly anyways. Luckily they all take quick showers and dress quickly to collectively pile onto the couch.
When Hyunjin is done with his shower, he puts on some comfy pajamas, just blue flannel-patterned fuzzy pants and a white sweater. Technically not ‘pajamas’ but Hyunjin doesn’t care. They are just fuzzy enough to keep him comfortable and relaxed, but not enough to let him get lost in the warmth of littlespace.
So, they are all on the couch now. Hyunjin slurps up his noodles from the chinese takeout a little sloppily. They taste good, slightly spicy and tangy. Everyone else is chowing down like a pack of starved wolves. Including him.
“Manners,” Jeongin jokingly scolds him. The maknae is right next to him. Seungmin is also close by, playing and messing around with Changbin’s hair - who is sitting on the floor with his bowl on the coffee table. Then, there is Chan and Jisung on the far end of the L-shape couch, who are talking about something 3RACHA and production related the dancer doesn’t acknowledge. There is Felix, on the other side of the table facing all of the members, eating his food at a slow pace right next to Minho.
Hyunjin doesn’t think much of it. And besides, Jeongin is distracting him. “Sorry. I’m hungry.” He laughs, Jeongin gives him a foxy smile. “It’s okay, I was kidding. Performing made me exhausted.”
“It’s made us all exhausted, you don’t get brownie points for being the maknae.” Butts in Seungmin, joking - who is currently… giving Jeongin an ankle-rub - okay, Hyunjin doesn’t even want to ask at this point.
“Did someone say brownies?” Felix speaks in his low voice, and suddenly the youngest members of Stray Kids are lost in their own little bubble of conversation.
Hyunjin smiles as he watches the rest of the members interact. Everyone is laughing and joking around over the gentle background noise of the TV playing some cheesy rom-com Jisung fought tooth and nail to get playing.
If only they knew.
The rather annoying, whiny voice in Hyunjin’s head continues; Bluey could be playing right now.
No! Hyunjin fights the whiny voice in his head. Sometimes it does that, like a manifestation of his desire to be small and little again. It never interrupts him when actually performing, sometimes when alone with the members but never when on camera or live on stage, it’s still irritating and he knows it exists because he doesn’t regress as much as he should, believe him, he wants to.
It’s just not possible.
God, what is wrong with him today?
Hyunjin doesn’t notice the play-fighting going on between Jisung and Changbin over the TV remote - or even Chan tapping his shoulder a few times.
Hyunjin is mostly quiet, sort of drowning out the other member’s cackling like hyenas and loud laughters. He didn’t even realize he was completely zoning out thinking of watching Bluey and cuddling with a plushie. Even if that’s mostly what he did when he was secretly little, it still brought him comfort, and the thought makes him feel warm and fuzzy, especially right now.
The tapping continues. “Hyunjin?” He doesn’t acknowledge it.
Maybe he should leave them before it’s too late. Well, Hyunjin would never actually slip into littlespace near them - no. But it still feels dangerous to feel like this near the others. Besides, Changbin and Minho have already left - what’s one more? He’s spent enough time with them anyways even if he is more quiet than normal.
“You okay, Jinnie-?” Chan asks. Oh no. Not the nickname. Hyunjin is normally fine with cute nicknames but when he’s slowly teetering off into littlespace, it only makes the thick fog over his head fuller. That’s when he stops zoning out.
“Huh-? Oh, yeah. I’m okay. I think I’m going to head to my room, is that okay?” Hyunjin tries not to cringe at how his voice is a mere squeak, or the urgency that carries him when he gets up off the couch. A few members look in his direction, questioning in their gaze.
The leader doesn’t look quite convinced. But, shrugs it off, even if Chan has a supernatural ability to sense lies off the tips of someone’s tongue he won’t prod unless he finds it necessary. “Okay then.” He gives a thumbs-up. “And of course you can go! Great work today, by the way-”
And - yep. That’s when Hyunjin realizes he definitely needs to get out. Being praised like that wouldn’t affect him like this normally - but he feels littlespace rapidly fighting its way through the crevices of his brain - and for some reason the warm fuzzy feeling is telling him to stay by Chan, no.
“Hyunji- hyunjin?” Chan asks bewildered as now Hyunjin darts down the hallway at a very fast-paced walk. The door is shut - more like slammed and then locked. Chan looks at Lee Know, who’s now curled up like a cat to Jisung - and a few others who look just as confused.
Yet, no one goes after him. That’s good. That means Hyunjin won’t have to deal with anyone else for a little while. Believe it or not, this is not the first time Hyunjin has sort of just darted off and escaped like that. No one questions it because most of the time he’s more discreet and not so blunt like that.
🍭🎀🍭 🥟
“It looks like it’s just me and you.” Hyunjin mumbles under his breath to his blue-jay squishmallow. He knows she has a name, but can’t remember it for the life of him. Hyunjin really likes the color blue and purple as well, which is what this squishmallow’s color is. She is also soft and small but a little understuffed - that’s okay, Hyunjin has a few more anyway but tonight he chooses her.
The door is locked. Hyunjin makes sure to keep his eye on it and checks it every once in a while, while he holds his squishmallow in between his legs and has his laptop in front of him - opening guest viewer on Youtube. It’s filled with recommendations of mostly Bluey, and some cute animal videos and even simple art videos he used a few times to draw when little.
Regressing isn’t hard at all, so he lets himself slip further and further as he opens his Youtube guest feed.
His finger hovers to the Bluey video and clicks on it. He already knows he is little by the time the episode starts playing. Even though there are Korean subtitles at the bottom of the screen Hyunjin’s eyes are trained on the little dog characters just watching and listening.
Finally he feels the stress melt off of him. He feels himself sink further and further just by watching a little show of character dogs enjoying their everyday life.
“Bingo, no!” Hyunjin laughs quietly at the antics that are happening between Bingo and Bluey. Bingo is his favorite character. He’s careful not to be too loud even if the walls are pretty thick, so he takes out that childish cute aggression via squishing his squishmallow against his chest.
Hyunjin’s never thought about the particular age he was when he regresses, it’s not really important to him.
The squishmallow on his chest has been with him for years, and he softly squishes it with his hands before one hand decides to find his mouth with his thumb poking out, cautiously he sucks on it. He’s always nervous to do this, what if someone came in and saw him sucking on his thumb like a baby? That would be disastrous. But honestly Hyunjin can’t find himself to care, the door is locked anyway.
It’s content and peaceful, even if it isn’t much. Multiple times he jumps in his spot a little, trying to suppress the squeal that lets past his lips.
And after a little bit the complication of episodes is over. So he sets his squishmallow down on the bed with the Bluey episode still playing at a low volume to grab his SKZOO coloring book. He crawls his way there and shuffles around the drawers to get it out.
Then it is pulled out along with his large case of markers. Now Hyunjin takes the items with him and back up to the bed, fumbling arms trying not to drop things as he sets everything down with clumsy hands and gets to work. This is his favorite part, coloring.
Hyunjin has always enjoyed art. For his littlespace, this coloring book has been with him for a year now. Sixty of the seventy-two pages have been colored only because he vows to color one page because he might never get a chance to get a coloring book again.
Now he is lying on his stomach on the bed, the particular page he is coloring is one with Jiniret and Dwaekki riding a bike together. Messily he colors them in, only going out of the lines a few dozen times but to his little side it’s a masterpiece.
I want to show it to the others. He thinks but never does it for obvious reasons.
There’s the wave of sadness that crashes over him again, biting his lip and he ignores it. But it doesn’t really do anything to stop the loneliness in his heart that he feels so he just tries to shove it at the back of his mind again.
And now that the page is done, little Hyunjin realizes how sad he feels not having anyone to take care of him. He is loved, but would his littleside be loved? Probably not. That’s when he cries. This is all he ever does as a little, watch Bluey, cuddle with his plushies and sometimes make them play together, or color like this.
And crying feels good. At least his plushies will be there for him - minding the fact that they are motionless. They are soft and provide comfort. But it would be nothing compared to a caregiver at his side.
He has no pacifier, (which he wanted so badly), has to be so secretive and safe when he does it, no cute little bottle for milk or anything remotely baby-ish, but most of all - no caregiver. Hyunjin will always be alone when he does this, so he succumbs to the tears and wails that get louder and louder until his throat hurts. The walls of the dorm are thick, but he’s still afraid someone will have heard.
Somehow, he falls asleep through the tears. Hyunjin doesn’t remember exactly how it happened or how long he was crying.
🍭🎀🍭🐺
“Chan?” - Changbin asks across the hallway in a hushed whisper. He’s in front of Hyunjin’s dorm where a bathroom is right beside it.
“Hm?” The leader was going to his room for the night. It’s 7:42 at night, still early but Chan is quite tired and needs to pee before heading off to relax. Today was a pretty draining and tiring day. And he was just a smidge worried about their dancer Hyunjin.
“Do you think Hyunjin’s okay? I swear I heard crying in his room earlier.” The shorter rapper notes, a complex look of concern on his face. “I’m pretty sure I did, actually.”
So I’m not the only one worried about him-? Chan thinks. Hyunjin was fine during performances, during rehearsal and practice, but as soon as they got home he was more distant and closed-off. He was quieter and kept zoning out, but there are tons of reasons why this may be the case. Then of course there was the way he darted off, looking panicked despite how moments before a deep look of relaxation rested on his face.
“Well, he was fine most of the day I think, but when we got home he started acting off. Nothing major… but you said you thought you heard crying…?” Chan bites and chews on his lip, his words returning the same hushed whisper.
Changbin briefly nods. Changbin has never been that good at comforting with words, he likes to give things. Like foods or snacks when someone feels down, which is really endearing and something Chan has noticed about the shorter rapper over the years.
“Uh-huh.”
Chan frowns like it’s an infectious disease from Changbin who is also doing it. “You can check on him, you know.”
“What if I’m bothering him?” Changbin worries.
The leader shrugs. “Knock on the door and ask if he is okay if he says go away then don’t stay around. You know how Hyunjin is.”
Chan watches with a cautious eye as Changbin knocks on the door. “Hyunjinnie? You okay? I thought I heard crying and I just want to make sure you are alright.” The obvious answer would be no; he is not alright. So it is more of a silent question: do you want to talk about it? - That is if Hyunjin was even crying and Changbin isn’t crazy. It is worth a shot.
And in response, there is a deafening silence.
“Hmm. I’m going to get him some snacks anyway.” Chan doesn’t stop him. Hyunjin and Changbin’s relationship with each other never fails to warm his heart up.
Chan goes into the bathroom like he originally planned to do. A twinge of worry in his heart, but Hyunjin would be in good hands with Changbin if he were to talk about it.
But was Hyunjin really okay? It’s mostly the way he darted off that worries him. Like he urgently needed to escape before he broke down or something like that. No, Chan. Hyunjin is probably fine, and you are worrying a little too much.
🍭🎀🍭🥟
Abruptly Hyunjin jerks his head up, being woken up from his sleep and the fuzzy feeling still wrapping his brain to the sound of a voice, raspy. Changbin is at the door.
…Changbin is at his door.
Standing there, the door is wide open.
At his doorway. A little thing of M&M’s in his hand. “Sorry, I was just worried because I heard you crying and I-”
Changbin is at his door when it is supposed to be locked. Hyunjin locked it, right? He swore he did!
Changbin gives a curious look. “I’m sorry, did I interrupt something-? I-” Clearly, he is just as bewildered at the sight of Hyunjin as Hyunjin is to Changbin.
…
This can’t be happening.
Hyunjin’s eyes are puffy and read but ridden with sleep. He holds the little squishmallow in between his chest and the laptop is still playing Bluey episodes - which Hyunjin promptly pauses while keeping horrified eyes on Changbin. What’s worse? The coloring book is directly in view, that too he closes quickly.
“-I was just worried, I mean, um,” Hyunjin can see the way his eyes flit down between the mess just before he closed the coloring book and paused the show playing on screen. Hyunjin expects Changbin to make a bigger deal, exclaim how weird this is - then again, he probably has know clue what age regression even is. And the mess isn’t… that obvious, right?
But it’s still weird to find your bandmate cuddling plushies and watching a show that’s practically for babies and coloring immature and childish coloring books.
“Here… I’ll just give you this thing of candy to make you feel better..”
Changbin walks over, nervous at what he has interrupted. Placing the candies on the bed which Hyunjin doesn’t move to reach out for. His brain is in a limbo between little and adult.
“Whatever you’re doing, I don’t really care, if that’s uh… what you’re worried about.. I’m sorry I tried to knock - It looks like you were sleeping but as I said I thought I heard crying and I was just worried… so uh… yeah… do you wanna talk about it…?”
“No.” Hyunjin replies, curt and dry.
“Okay, then. I’ll leave you to… that.” Changbin coughs, looking more embarrassed that he has interrupted than perturbed over the image of Hyunjin.
Hyunjin realizes Changbin could see the laptop’s screen when he came over to pass the candy, because of how his eyes stray to the screen for a split second. The rapper mumbles a ‘cute?’ before leaving awkwardly and closing the door.
Now Hyunjin is definitely in his adult headspace again because he frantically gets up and shoves the markers and coloring book back in his drawers - then the plushie gets squished in between pillows with the other, smaller ones, and the laptop is slammed shut.
Tears spring at his eyes again, because someone saw him when he was little. Even if it was only for a moment, when he was just out of sleep - he was definitely little when he first woke up before he realized the severity and froze up like a deer in headlights.
Changbin was awkward, but he didn’t make an enormous deal out of it, at least… But he’ll tell the others what he saw. That you were watching a show for little kiddies and hugging plushies like a baby.
The tears at his eyes run freely down his cheek as though they have a mind of their own. Hyunjin grips at his hair, pulling on the strands and trying to calm down the panic.
Never in the many years of being with Stray Kids has this actually happened. There were many times it was very close - but never like this.
Hyunjin may or may not be having a full-on panic attack. Slumping down on the bed and curling up into a ball in a fetal position.
He’s going to tell them.
He’s going to tell them.
But Changbin wouldn’t do that actually, right?. He said it himself; “ Whatever you’re doing, I don’t really care, if that’s uh… what you’re worried about.”
He’s still going to tell them. And then bring it up as an embarrassing memory to joke with Hyunjin and the others, and he’ll never have a good excuse. They will think he is weird and hate him.
And at least he didn’t see Hyunjin with his thumb shoved in his mouth, right? He can’t accurately recall if he still had it slipped in his mouth when he woke up, but his thumb is not wet and cold, because that would just be even harder to explain.
I have to stop regressing. It’s too dangerous now.
He doesn’t want to give up something like that, but it’s just not worth it anymore if he was practically caught. No grown adult acts like a baby. It’s just not normal.
Hyunjin lies awake for hours until he falls asleep. Worrying and worrying but too lazy and scared to get up and face him. The last time he looks at the clock is when the tears stop sporadically falling, which it reads 10:43 pm. After that, Hyunjin falls into a deep and restful slumber, somehow.
His plushie finds his way in his arms, too.
He has to stop.