Chapter Text
Joke hadn’t bothered to turn on the main light in the bathroom. It was one of those old fluorescent tubes that buzzed faintly and flickered too much. It reminded him of the prison bathrooms they’d be corralled in twice a week. Nearly shoulder to shoulder with a dozen other men ranging from eighteen to sixty, serving time for everything from petty larceny to attempted murder, quickly washing themselves in lukewarm water with cheap pungent soap, desperately trying to avoid eye contact by staring towards the old, cracked ceiling. Joke's status always made the entire event far more precarious than it needed to be, though he managed to avoid most of the unwanted attention without too much of an issue.
There was no need to switch on the old light anyway when the vanity one illuminated the room just fine. Plus, it was less likely to cause much light under the door — less likely to alert everyone else that he was awake at two in the morning after a sting of anxiety-ridden dreams.
They hadn’t been nightmares. Not by his definition, those were more visceral. Nightmares had Jack turning a blind eye when Joke needed him — had Toi’s body, lifeless and bloodied — had his father publicly disown him once again. Nightmares lingered in the shadows for hours after he’d wake up, taunting him with their potential reality. No, these dreams had been illogical, colorless images with no storyline just deep-seated anxiety flooding through Joke’s entire body. Unfettered unease threatening to crack his ribs and crush his core from the inside out. He would wake up from these types of dreams confused and anxious, unable to settle.
Joke had discovered that, with his life finally settled his dreams had become increasingly less so — almost nightly, something would crop up forcing him to ponder reality for an hour at least before sleep finally took him again. It helped that Jack was his personal space heater — his weighted blanket. Though Joke never bothered to wake him up after such a dream.
The learning center was growing, as were Jack’s responsibilities there – both as the lead teacher and as the director. Aran had become the acting assistant in all ways that mattered, though Joke technically had that label. Aran was better educated and far better suited for teaching than Joke could even dream of being. Tattoo and Hoy had become permanent teachers — Hope volunteered several times a week too.
Needless to say, Jack had plenty of responsibilities during the day and didn’t need Joke waking him up nightly to deal with his brain’s irrational response to stability. It was a juvenile thing anyway, to allow dreams to dictate so much.
He knew it was irrational — Joke knew that. Things were wonderful. He’d never have let himself believe someone could love him the Jack does — sweeping, vastly, completely. Grandma had taken Joke in as a second grandson, pestering them both daily about marriage. Toi had somehow become his makeshift daughter, refusing to fully leave Jack and Joke’s lives even with her father gladly returned to her. A thing Joke never could have imagined having, not when his relationship with his father had always been so distant and disconnected – the idea of raising a child seemed impossible, let alone having a child begging to stay connected to him. And still, even his relationship with his father had improved.
Joke’s current relationship with the old man was mostly thanks to Jack and Top — Joke wasn’t naïve enough to think that his father would have come around willingly. There was far too much history between them for any bridge to be built without outside influences. Regardless, the newfound connection had been good, albeit fragile. Neither side addressed the past in too much detail – there were no questions about Joke’s time in prison, no conversations about what family friends or neighbors were told about his absence, and absolutely no discussions of the crimes that led to his eventual conviction. It wasn’t a clean slate – more like a mutual unspoken agreement to dismiss the past whenever they were together. It was nice but stressful. Not quite like walking on eggshells but like driving on a long undeveloped road – you could end up stranded if anything happened to the car or you could make it the whole way with no issues, luck of the draw.
Joke forced a long exhale; he hated being this person – someone so caught up on these things. He used to ignore them with ease, bad things flocked to him like ants who found sugar. It was expected. However, now just the abstract feeling of something happening sent him off kilter.
He shook his head, debating what to do next. It was still early. Jack wouldn’t be up for a few hours, and Joke should crawl back into bed at least allowing his body to rest even if sleep remained elusive. The prospect of lying there for hours was unappealing, however.
Instead, he rummaged through the cabinet and grabbed a fresh towel, stripped his clothes, and cranked on the shower. His body was covered with a thin layer of sticky sweat anyway – between the humidity and his restless sleep, he hoped a shower might clear his head some. Afterward, if sleep felt possible he would go back to Jack and if not he would grab one of their old workbooks and try to relearn some of the many things he’d forgotten. Perhaps one day regaining enough skill to better help Jack teach.
He had only just stepped under the spray of water when the door to the bathroom opened and closed silently, “What are you doing?” Joke tried and failed at sounding annoyed.
“Showering with you to conserve water,” Jack smiled playfully, still half asleep, stripping his clothes with ease, as he maneuvered into the small shower, “Plus you were cold,”
Sighing fondly, Joke did little to stop Jack from pressing their bodies flush together, “How do you know I was cold,”
“You’re always cold without me,”
“Cocky,”
Jack simply hummed and placed a soft kiss against Joke’s wet forehead, “You only get up this early when something’s wrong. Otherwise, you sleep like a brick - when you aren't muttering anyway,”
Joke shivered despite himself. It was still strange to be seen so easily. Jack was able to read him in a way no one else ever could or even tried, as though he didn’t have to bother reading at all — he just knew, “Nothing is wrong. I’m just antsy, I guess,”
Jack hummed again as he reached behind Joke to grab the soap. He’d told Joke multiple times that half of everything belonged to him, but Joke still refused to take up much space. Even the toiletries consisted of mostly Jack’s things, “Nothing bad is going to happen — at least nothing involving Boss or heists or anything like that,” he added quickly already hearing Joke’s argument play out in his head, “Now turn around,”
“You don’t know that,” Joke muttered, turning as he was told, “Bad stuff can happen to anybody,”
“And so can good stuff,” Jack was gentle, messaging Joke’s shoulders and back as went, “We have each other,”
Joke hated that he could see both sides so clearly – knowing that what Jack was saying was true, while also knowing that bad luck hovered around Joke like a dense fog. He wanted to accept what Jack was saying, to allow it to give him comfort – allow it to fully settle his restless mind, but it wasn’t as simple as switching a switch, “yeah…”
“And if bad things happen, we will take care of it together,”
Unless it’s too much…unless I’ve done too much… Joke quickly banished the thought, letting his head drop forward, “I know…”
Jack slowly continued his washing, wrapping his arms needlessly around Joke’s middle, “I’m not going anywhere — you can’t do anything to get rid of me — I already learned that lesson,”
Joke shivered again. It wasn’t new information. Once the dust had settled and they’d known Toi, Hope, and Tattoo would be good as new with enough time, Jack had started trying to rebuild their ‘foundation’ as he put it. The entire thing had been Joke’s fault — though Jack refused to accept that.
“I am the one who took a wrecking ball to our foundation – you had a simple request, and I couldn’t even fulfill it — I’m the one who didn’t listen and let it crumble – and I’m going to be the one to rebuild it brick by brick if necessary,”
“Toi isn’t going to chase you away,” Jack continued, spinning Joke to face him, “Grandma won’t — Top won’t. You know full well Hoy, Tattoo, Aran, even Save and Hope won’t let you disappear. Your mother. Your father,”
Joke was struck with such a deep swell of adoration, “I love you,”
“I love you too,” Jack chuckled softly, “More than you realize I think,”
There in the near silence, with Jack’s callused hands gently washing away the last of his dreams, Joke let himself bask in the insanity of the moment. It all felt unreal – how could someone love him – fall for Joker? A worthless kid turned notable thief – a criminal who spent five years in prison for his crimes – who managed to screw up time and time again, as though he had learned nothing from his past mistakes – someone who couldn’t even find a place in his own family until adulthood, “tricked you somehow…”
“Huh?” Jack pulled back slightly, questioning.
The openness made Joke’s stomach flutter, “I tricked you into loving me somehow,”
“Is that so?” Jack plopped a small mound of bubbles onto the tip of Joke’s nose, “You’re very bad at tricks if that’s the case,” he pressed their bodies together again, pushing them both under the water, “nearly got me thrown in prison,”
Despite himself, Joke laughed, “All part of my big plan — make you pine for five years,”
“Is that so?” Jack repeated into Joke’s ear, “You’re even worse at planning tricks than planning heists,”
“Hey now! I’m great at planning heists! It’s not my fault the three little pigs are so bad at following orders,”
“Mmhmm,” Jack held them there, steady and united, “Someday I will convince you,”
Joke smiled against Jack’s wet skin. He had done nothing in life to deserve such love, but he would make sure it was returned in full.
~*~
The mundaneness of it all was an unanticipated juxtaposition to his past life. The first time Joke stole something it was for attention — Top had been awarded some math achievement, he’d been the top score in the entire primary school, and there’d even been an assembly in his honor. Joke was nine at the time, nearly ten – his birthday was only a few days away. The entire week had been filled with snide remarks and backhanded comments.
“So, Top got the intelligence and the looks, huh?”
“At least you’re funny, I guess,”
“Your baby brother is already better than you!”
“Well, Joke like I told you last year — some people just are cut out for school. Let your brother support the family in the future. I’m sure you can find something,”
“Finally, we have a son with promise,”
Joke was jealous, at the time anyway, Top was having a huge party to commemorate his achievements while Joke was forced to study in his bedroom because he’d missed too many words on a spelling test.
So, the next chance he had, Joke decided to be seen. The item wasn’t valuable, it was a single bar of chocolate, but it felt like gold. His father, who’d refused his request for it, was oblivious — completely missing Joke’s tiny hand snatching it from the stand. It wasn’t until the trip back home, when Joke joyfully ate the candy that his father gave him the attention he craved.
The old man had screamed — berated — cursed – threatened. By the time they’d reached the house, Joke’s father’s face was beat red with fury and the moment the door slammed shut behind them the first strike happened.
Joke could easily remember the sudden sting that flashed on his face, the way his nose started to bleed just a little, the way Top — who’d seen the event — immediately started to wail as though he’d been the one hit. It had hurt, but at least Joke had been acknowledged.
After that, stealing had become a game. How much could he get before the old man caught on?
The answer was a lot.
Invisibility was Joke’s superpower growing up, as long as he was careful where he stepped no one ever seemed to see him.
Now, of course, he found himself with near constant attention. Jack seemed incapable of ignoring him — Toi and Jack’s grandma constantly asked for him — Hoy and Aran forged the status of best friend without trying (or maybe it was because they tried) — Tattoo included him in every creation — and then there was Top.
Joke’s little, not so little, brother had been demanding. He called frequently, messaged daily, invited himself to meals with Joke — he’d bring Grandma flowers as a peace offering — Top had even started volunteering at the learning center on days he wasn’t working at the hospital. He claimed it was to get to know Joke since their childhood had been strained.
Except Top had confessed, after a particularly good dinner and some alcohol, to Jack and he’d missed Joke feverishly. That he’d tried to visit Joke in prison, but their father never allowed it. That when he’d discovered Joke had been released, which was weeks after the fact, he’d been terrified his big brother would disappear entirely.
“He always stood up for me,” Top added mournfully, or that’s how Jack put it later that night, “He’d taken hits for me, punishments for me, he even once got pneumonia after trying to save a stray kitten I’d begged for…”
“Joke! Joke! Joke!” the needy chant brought Joke back into the present.
“Yes — yes — yes,” Joke couldn’t hold back his laughter. While he still felt unqualified to teach any actual subjects, he’d found a knack for helping with crafts and other projects targeted more toward the younger kids. So many of them came from single-parent, low-income families that he’d unknowingly become a makeshift big brother to the majority of them. Some even asking after him on the rare occasions that he wasn’t at the center, “Oh — wow! You did a great job!”
The little boy who’d called him over beamed brightly, “I know!!! It’s of you and Jack and my friends!” The picture was artistic — most of the people, who Joke assumed were the ‘friends,’ consisted of bodiless faces and stick figure smiles. Jack was obvious, dressed in an uneven but still recognizable martial arts uniform, as was Joke and his crudely drawn open button-up.
“You’ll have to paint another one for your mom,” Joke ruffled the boy’s hair affectionately.
“M’kay!”
“What about mine?” another little boy called out shyly, “I painted a picture too,”
Slowly, Joke made his way across the room, stopping at each child and complementing their work – making an effort to find something genuinely well done for each of them, no matter how small it might be Joke would make the achievement huge. He knew better than most how much these things mattered.
“You know,” Top had happened upon the scene, pausing to watch his brother interact with each child as the activity wrapped up, “you are really good with kids,”
“Psst – yeah right,” Joke waved off the compliment awkwardly, “Suppling paints and paper doesn’t equal ‘being good with kids,’”
“You’re good with Toi,”
Joke couldn’t help but roll his eyes. His relationship with Top had been easy to mend – as it hadn’t even been severed. They picked up right where they had left off, except with a five year gap needing to be filled. Which Top had done with little pestering – though Joke had been far less honest in his retelling, “Why are you here anyway? I thought your math study session was for tomorrow afternoon once your shift at the hospital was done,”
“Jack mentioned that he promised Save he’d help out this afternoon and thought we might like to hang out before my late shift,”
“Stop smirking – I don’t need a babysitter,” there was no bite to his protests, Joke quite loved how much Jack thought about him, “But as long as you aren’t busy. All I need to do is make sure that those three,” he pointed to a group of children, two boys, and a girl, lingered near the doorway, “get picked up before we leave – their mom doesn’t want them around their father. So, I promised I’d pay close attention,”
Top hummed, “I’m in no hurry. I switched shifts with May this morning – tonight is gonna be hell cause we’ll be understaffed, but as long as I’m at the hospital by seven, I’m good,”
“Understaffed? Still?” since the shift in power, a few of the bigger institutions that Boss had his fingers in – the hospital, the main branch of the bank, even one of the larger schools – had lost a few employees. It was unclear if they were loyalists or simply debtors running before Save could take over, “I thought you mentioned they’d hired another doctor?”
“They did, but he lasted about a week,” Top paused.
“Joke – oh thank you so much for waiting with them,” an older woman arrived, clearly flushed, “I don’t think Touch would try anything, but I don’t want to take the chances,”
“It’s no problem,” Joke smiled, running his hands affectionately through the shortest kid’s hair, “I’ll see you three next week,”
“Bye Joke,”
“Bye bye, teacher Joke,”
“Sorry about that,” Joke needlessly apologized turning back towards his brother and grabbing the wallet he had placed on the desk before the activity started, “So, they already quit?”
“Yeah…apparently the hospital was both too much and not enough all at the same time,”
They said their goodbyes as Joke made his rounds, checking that all the paints were closed tightly and the brushes were rinsed thoroughly, “You on your own tonight then?”
“Nah,” Top paused again, waiting for Joke to lock up the art room door, “I’m splitting the shift with Carter and Dad – Carter will be there for the first six hours, Dad for my last,”
The main room was still filled with kids, split into two teams and playing football. Hope was leading the team on the far end, facing off against Aran’s group on the other – from the looks of it, they were evenly matched. Hoy was keeping track from the far side, updating the score from 1:1 to 1:2, though it wasn’t clear who had just scored.
Joke stopped just short of the main door, “Shouldn’t you be sleeping or something?” Top’s laugh disappeared into the sunshine, and Joke found himself smiling right along with him. He had missed his little brother desperately; he didn’t realize it at first – too caught up in adjusting to prison life and too focused on crafting a decent way of apologizing to Jack. He had always intended on putting the same energy into an apology for Top, but shame kept him from ever putting a pen to paper. With Jack, there was a specific point that he needed to apologize for – a single event that caused so much pain for so long. With Top, and their parents if Joke ever let his mind bridge that gap, the moments were immeasurable. They started when he was a young child, and they branched through every single aspect of their lives finally blossoming with Joke’s incarceration.
Even with a thousand lifetimes of apologies, nothing would be sufficient. They shouldn’t forgive him.
The two walked in relative silence. They had a routine – they would go and eat at the barbeque place near the old shopping center, stop at the bakery just off the main road for dessert, and hit up the coffee place owned by one of Top’s old classmates before parting ways. Sometimes, they would go to the fish market and eat street food, followed by a couple of drinks at the bar Jack once worked at – but those days normally included some of the others and rarely ended with Top needing to go back to the hospital for a shift.
The normalcy of it all was nice. In the months leading up to his arrest, Joke had felt so isolated within their family that he rarely spoke to Top despite sleeping in the next room. Guilt for setting a bad example, or shame at passing the burden of their father’s expectations along. Both perhaps. Or maybe it was Joke’s self-deprecating tendencies that built the imaginary wall back then. Regardless, he cherished moments like this.
“Then the man started screaming something about her needing to cook dinner,” Top had just started recounting the previous weeks’ drama as they left the café, “She was rightfully livid – a newly broken arm and her boyfriend demanding dinner. Broke up with him on the spot. Screamed it across the entire third floor,”
“Good for her,” Joke held up his iced coffee, sloshing it to the lip of the cup and back, “He listen?”
“No,” Top took a drink, scoffing, “He said something that set off the receptionist – called security on him,”
“Does that happen often?” Joke couldn’t imagine his father dealing with a belligerent patient, but he supposed it was bound to happen from time to time, “I don't think our father would handle that well…”
“Oh he doesn’t – he normally tries to ignore it and one of the nurses has to step in and call security,” Top took a sip of his drink before continuing, “It used to happen weekly – loan sharks I guess, but I never had to deal with it. Lately, there haven’t been crazy disruptions.”
Joke hummed quietly. Jack had mentioned that, while he refused to go into the hospital to collect debts, many of the other collectors had no such limitations, “I’m glad things have settled down…”
“Yeah, it was wild for a time. Some of the staff would recognize the debt collectors – lead them straight to the patient’s rooms. I normally work the day shift – so missed all the action –”
“’Missed the action,’ Top, you used to hide your face from the hyenas in The Lion King.”
“Because I was five –”
“Because you are not a fighter,” Joke dodged Top’s playful smack, “What – it is the truth,”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah – laugh it up…”
Joke was glad that Top wasn’t like him – glad that his brother hadn’t been hardened, “It’s good, Top. It’s good to not be a problem like that,”
“Jack was a debt collector, you know?” Top had a slight edge to his voice, reprimanding, “You weren’t a ‘problem,’”
“Obviously,” he couldn’t help but roll his eyes – as if his crimes could be compared to Jack’s, “I was the problem,”
Top’s discontent with the response came off him in waves, but he didn’t push further. It was one of those things – a topic that popped up between them from time to time, “Are you still coming over for dinner on Saturday? Mom suggested Jack tagging along – she wants to get to know him better,”
Joke felt himself cringe at the thought, “I’ll be there…”
“Oh, don’t do that – her cooking has gotten much better…”
“No one believed that lie, Top… Not even the birds…”
“Then make Jack come and don’t warn him so we can watch him try to lie to her,” Top chuckled at the thought, it was a game he had done in their childhood with unsuspecting friends.
“Jack can’t lie…” Joke managed to sound deadpan, though he quite enjoyed the idea of watching Jack try. He knew Jack would, that he would try to impress Joke’s parents even if it was unnecessary, “It would just be cruel,”
By the time they’d reached the halfway mark to the hospital, they were simply enjoying walking in silence along the levee. The sun was still high, though it was getting late into the afternoon. The vendors had started opening up on the end of the divide. A few of the stands were already bright with illuminated string lights. School-age kids starting to gather for dinner.
Seeing groups like that always made Joke’s mind wander back to the ‘what could haves’ and ‘what might haves.’ Top, he knew, experienced those things. Gathering with his classmates through secondary and into university, sharing tales from their families and different classes. Jack likely had similar memories. He made friends easily and Joke could imagine him gathering with a few friends around Grandma’s food cart after class or on the weekends.
However, gathering with classmates – befriending classmates – was not something Joke ever experienced. Or at least not something he experienced often. He had either been too focused on trying to prove himself to his father or too preoccupied with deciding his next heist.
“You ever bring a date out here?” Top was apparently on the same wavelength.
“What? No – did you?”
Before Top could answer a large slick-looking man launched himself from the alleyway, striking Top's forearm with a shiny silver bat.
“What the fuck are you doing?!” Joke latched onto Top’s loose-fitting jacket and pulled his brother behind him, “What –”
“Shut up,” the man slammed the bat against the concrete, “Give me all your money,”
“Who are you? What the fuck –” Joke saw the swing coming, he could have dodged it, but instead he allowed the cold metal to connect with his temple shielding Top with his body. The blow had his ears ringing, but Joke refused to move from his spot.
“Just give me your damned wallets!”
“You know robbery works better if you threaten before you –”
The man cut off Joke’s snarky response with two more blows. One hit him square in the ribs and the other the lower back, “Listen you piece of shit – I how doctors make good money just hand it over and no one gets hurt,”
“You’ve already swung the bat –” Joke should have expected the next strike, but it still caught him off guard. Once again slamming into his head. He felt himself stagger into Top, temporarily losing his balance and casting his weight onto his younger brother. He heard Top mutter something – maybe scream something – Joke couldn’t tell with his ears again ringing loudly.
“Joke? Look at me,”
“You alright?” He came back to himself, half hanging on Top half kneeling. The man was gone, “Your arm? Does it hurt? Is it broken? We need to get it checked out,” he could feel everything spiraling, like his brain was the things circling the drain, “We need –”
“Just stop for a second Joke and look at me,”
But Joke couldn’t – if something happened to Top, he would never be able to show his face again. He would never be able to live with the guilt. He would never be able to face his family, face Jack. Jack would never trust him again. Jack would know that this was all his fault and would never forgive him.
“Joke, just stop –”
“No,” He had staggered to his feet already moving them in the direction of the hospital, “You are going to get looked at… you’ll be alright…” he didn’t recognize Top’s lack of response for concern, instead it warped and mutated his fears into larger monsters. Monsters with faces and the people who would give up on him the moment they saw them.