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Jack never resented his parents for leaving him so early, even after he was told the how and why of it all. It hurt, of course, and he occasionally felt frustrated at the decisions they made and the complicated situation they had left him in. But he was never resentful.
They had been good parents — giving everything for him to grow and succeed. Never pressuring him too hard, never punishing him too forcefully. Always including him in their lives, the adventures they took. Constantly expressing their love for him, how proud they were of him, how they’d support him in anything he wanted to do.
He knew they loved him unconditionally.
Which was why he was so bothered by Joke’s father.
Jack had tried to reserve judgment when he’d first discovered the doctor was Joke’s father — he had tried to ignore the demeaning tone the man sent Joke’s way even when Joke was simply expressing the utmost gratitude.
Jack tried to understand where Joke’s father was coming from when he gave backhanded compliments and thinly veiled criticism. When he compared Joke to Top or even to Jack himself.
Jack even tried to ignore how Joke responded to those moments of surface level affection as though the old man had brought the sun before him. Looking towards his father with unvarnished hope and unmatched hesitation. Accepting it, but never fully trusting it.
However, it was impossibly hard for Jack to ignore. As they’d grown together, as they’d overcome so much, Joke’s pain cut far deeper into his heart than his own. He wanted the world to recognize how bright and good Joke was — to fight anyone who dared to insinuate otherwise. But it was hard when it all came from the man who made him.
“Look!!” Toi had returned to the learning center faster than anyone thought possible. More vibrant than ever as though nothing had happened. One of the first things Jack had her do, something he had all of the prospective students do, was take a number of short quizzes over the last few weeks hoping to have a general understanding of each child’s strengths and weaknesses so that he could better help them succeed. Toi had been so pleased with her spelling score, that she’d decided to share it with everyone within earshot, which included Joke’s father.
The doctor had come as part of a biweekly check-in, a number of the students didn’t have access to consistent healthcare and the old man volunteered some time each week to offer his support, “What’s that?”
“I got almost every question right! Last time I took a test like this I failed but look how much better I got!”
Joke's father smiled, it was a sight Jack was unaccustomed to — he’d have to ask Joke later if it happened often, “Well of course you did better — you’re smart,”
“Joke helped me a lot!” She beamed.
Jack smiled too. Joke had been so worried about helping her with English, that he’d spent the better part of three nights looking over the tests and commonly misspelled words beforehand. He had crafted flashcards for himself, listened to pronunciations on repeat, and even worked on his own handwriting. Terrified that he would do more harm than good in trying to help her.
The old man laughed, “Well, you’ll be much smarter than him soon. I bet you’ll have to teach him English before the month is done. He’s not that bright,”
Jack’s smile dropped; it was one thing to poke fun at his son when Joke was present — but Joke wasn’t even there to turn the jab into a laugh.
“Joke is smart!” Toi defended instantly, momentarily forgetting her manners, “He’s super smart, and nice, and kind, and —“
“One day you’ll understand,” the doctor cut her off, though not unkindly, “It’s hard to see right now, but once you get a bit more schooling, you’ll see how far behind he is,”
“Toi, why don’t you go show Grandma?”
“You think Joke’s smart don’t you?” Toi looked desperately at Jack, as though she anticipated he’d agree with the older man.
“He’s extremely smart, Toi. Now go — you can show him too, this afternoon once he gets back from his shift,” despite the offer to work full time at the learning center, Joke refused to completely drop his other job — though Jack wished he would. Manual labor takes a lot out of a person. However, Joke felt he wasn’t the best fit to teach kids with his own shortcomings, “He’ll be so proud,”
“She’s intelligent enough, you don’t need to lie to her,” Joke’s father muttered once she was out of earshot, “There’s nothing wrong with being dim-witted — he spent five years in prison for goodness' sake. The sooner she understands that about Joke, the easier it will be for her to cope with the comments. People have a right to criticize a criminal,”
Jack wanted to argue. If it’s unimportant, why’d you push him away? Maybe no one should have to deal with comments like that from their own father? Who are you to talk about the son you forced out? But he didn’t, “I understand you think that way sir, but the Joke I know is extremely smart,”
“I was soft with him and look how it turned out. Most of it isn’t my fault of course. It’s hard to grow flowers when the ground is made of concrete – thankfully, Top was a more gifted child,” the man adjusted his glasses, “At least Joke’s trying to fix it I suppose. Trying to make it right,”
“Fix what?”
“The shame he brought onto me — he doesn’t understand how hard it was to explain his absence to my peers. Thankfully, most of them left not long after his arrest and I was able to craft a cleaner image of my family. But still — she’ll have to learn,” he motioned towards Toi who was basking in Grandma’s affection, “especially if he continues to act as a surrogate father. He’s bringing with him shame and judgment — she doesn’t deserve that. Frankly, I’m appalled he hasn’t considered it yet. Not just with little Toi, but with you and your grandmother as well. I’m sure people talk. However, given his track record, I shouldn’t be surprised. Joke has always been selfish and egotistical,”
The casual way he said it, thrust a spike deep into Jack’s chest and brought absolute fury into his gut, but he bit his tongue and quelled it as best he could. Thankfully, his grandmother chose that moment to catch his eye.
“I’m not ashamed of him,” Jack managed to sound civil, clearing his throat thickly, “I’m proud of him,”
Oblivious to Jack’s inner turmoil, the doctor nearly scoffed, “You say that now — and I believe you, love does things to the brain — but just remember, people like him don’t change. He’s going to screw up again, and again, and again,” he paused, “When you’ve had enough, don’t feel obligated. You’re a good man, Jack — and Toi is the granddaughter we always wanted, you’re both always welcome regardless of Joke, alright? Don’t let him bring you down,”
Not trusting his voice or even his body, Jack simply nodded and forced himself to walk toward his grandmother as calmly as he could manage. The audacity of anyone, let alone the father, to discuss a person with such blatant disrespect was unfathomable, and it opened the door to a million new questions.
If this was the energy that Joke’s father had always brought into his life, then why was he so determined to win favor at all? What was the point? Or was this actually the only version of a ‘loving’ father that Joke knew? Since his release, Joke had done so much good – willingly sacrificed so much – Jack just couldn’t understand.
“Did you see Toi’s score, Jack? She did so much better – Joke is a good teacher. He’s going to be so proud,” Grandma smiled fondly, “We should try and talk him into working here full time here, again. I think his background makes him relatable for some of these kids,”
Jack managed a nod, still rattled from the previous conversation.
“You alright?”
“Joke’s father was being mean…” Toi muttered clearly aggravated. She had started calling the old man ‘grandpa’ but apparently this wasn’t the place for that title, “Was he mean still? Even after I left to show Grandma?” Much of her joy was shadowed by the unfairness of it all, clouded.
“He’s,” Jack paused, picking his words carefully, “just stubborn, Toi. Sometimes, people get caught up in their own way of life and forget that others see things differently,”
She didn’t seem comforted by that explanation, “I don’t care,” she nearly stomped her foot in frustration, “Joke always says that everyone has strengths and weaknesses – that everyone is good at something – that everyone deserves to be treated kindly – why is his dad such an ass –”
“Toi Ting you best not finish that word,” Jack managed to reprimand, despite the swell of pride.
She clamped her mouth shut, pursing her lips into a pout, before continuing, “Mean! Why is Joke’s dad so mean… how is Joke so nice, if his dad is so mean?”
“I don’t know what happened,” his grandma soothed, “but sometimes, people don’t like to look at things that they don’t understand. I think, Joke’s father wanted a very specific type of son and when Joke wasn’t that, his father struggled to move on,”
Toi paused, “That’s dumb…”
“It is,” Jack laughed, “it really is… oh look, Aran and Tattoo just got here. Why don’t you go and show them your score?”
“So?” Grandma questioned as soon as Toi dashed off, once again excited, “What happened?”
Sighing, Jack watched the smile grow on Aran’s face – he’d become monumental in the learning center, it was good to see his hard work pay off considering how much of an adjustment things had been, “Joke’s father called him ‘stupid,’ and Toi did not take kindly to it,”
“Is that all?” she pushed knowingly, “because you looked close to punching something when I first caught your eye,”
“Don’t worry about it, Grandma. It’s bad for your heart,”
“I’ll worry about what I want to worry about, Jack,” she patted him on the arm gently but pushed no farther.
By the time Joke arrived an hour later, his father had already left, and the number of students had doubled. Which was typical. School ended and the children with working parents found refuge under Jack’s watchful eyes. They were scattered around. The older ones sitting around tables with Aran assisting them in their schoolwork. The younger ones, listening to Hoy read stories or building things with Tattoo.
Regardless, Jack’s attention was temporarily sidelined, focusing on Joke. The older man looked tired; he’d been moving furniture all day in the blazing heat. Temperatures peaked around forty-four point five degrees Celsius by noon and held steady for hours. Conditions that could, and had, sent people to the hospital – a worry, irrational though it might be, that Jack had spiked up throughout the day.
In retrospect, Jack had realized just how much space Joke occupied in his brain. Not just since re-entering his life, but from their very first meeting. Something about Joke and his dark tragic eyes — the frowny face written into the condensation on the table – had permanently branded him into Jack’s very core. Playing the hero that night had kept him riding high for weeks afterward. The white knight rescued the wounded prince.
Even after the bank, after the downfall, during the five listless years, Jack still couldn’t help but wonder about Joke. Had he intentionally screwed Jack over? Was it an accident? Was Jack just collateral damage that Joke effortlessly forgot about? Sometimes, Jack would find himself furiously believing he’d been the target — hating Joke and hoping he was suffering wherever he was. But normally, Jack held onto the gut feeling that Joke had been trying to help. Even then. That the police had been an oversight, and Joke had given Jack the money assuming everything would be happy ever after.
After reuniting, Jack knew that to be true. Joke’s intentions were always good — he was like the tragic hero of an old fairy tale. He’d unwillingly forgiven Joke the day he took a knife for him. The day he knew Joke was willing to die in order to simply gain forgiveness.
“Sit down, you look exhausted,” Jack barely resisted planting a kiss, he’d been too caught up in everything recently, “How was work?”
Joke rolled his shoulders wincing, “Fine… Some of these old buildings need their elevators fixed… carrying appliances up five flights is bad enough, but some of the people that live on those floors can’t walk all that well…” he lowered himself down onto the chair Jack pointed toward, looking past him for a second at the batch of children getting help with their homework, “Everything go alright here? I know you were a bit worried about the influx of kids, but everything seems to be intact,”
Jack hummed, pulling a chair up right next to Joke’s. He sat as close as he dared, thighs bumping, “No major problems. There was a small fight over who got the last red pen — and one of the older kids tried to say he hadn’t eaten his ice cream yet to try and get a second. But nothing we couldn’t handle,”
“That’s good,” Joke’s cheeks were flushed from the sun, “Anything else?”
Chuckling, Jack rocked his shoulder into Joke’s and smiled, “She got it back this morning — I’m sure she’ll come to share with you soon,”
“She did okay?” Joke’s eyes lit up, already knowing who Jack was referencing, “I didn’t fuck it up too bad?”
“Just wait and see,” he playfully responded, choosing not to point out the obvious, “I think she’s shown it to everyone who has been here today,”
Joke stretched his neck, which popped painfully, “Well, it won’t be long before I can’t help her with school even if she insists I’m the one to do it,” Toi had gravitated towards him with everything connected to grades and education, probably because Joke seemed to understand what it was like to be behind everyone else, “She’s gonna be better than me at every subject by the end of summer,”
“That’s not true,” Jack couldn’t help but feel disheartened, hearing Joke make the same comments his father had. Especially when they were said with such honesty.
“Oh, it is,” Joke sighed, “It’s good — I’m glad she’s smarter than I am. It will make things easier for her,”
“Don’t let her hear you say that,”
“What?” Joke looked confused for a moment, then smiled brightly, “Oh, don’t worry. I don’t want to talk about those things with her — make it sound like education is the only important thing in life. That’s too much stress to put on a kid – it’s not good for them,”
“You know —“
“Joke!! You’re here! Look!” Toi squealed, sprinting across the room with her, now crumpled, quiz in hand, “I did really good! So much better,”
Joke took the paper from her, carefully smoothing it out, beaming, “I told you, you could do whatever you put your mind to – we should frame this,” he said it jokingly, but his eyes held incredible fondness in them, “You did great, Toi,” Joke rubbed her head gently and Jack’s heart melted on the spot.
He truly could no longer hold in his affection for Joke. He had tried – tried so hard to push it down and pretend that he liked Rose. But everything she did only highlighted the things he loved about Joke. His kindness, the effortless way he was funny, how caring he was, his fierce loyalty, his selfless nature.
When Jack walked into Boss’s game and saw Joke with a bomb digging into his neck, he was hit with the reality that Joke dying would be a punishment worse than a lifetime of indentured servitude – Jack gave up all pretenses. Joke was it for him. They belonged together. There was no changing it and he didn’t want to even try. Joke was his until the day he died.
“You’ll help me study for the next one too, right Joke? You’re a good teacher,” Toi’s eyes widened with hope. Unlike her teachers in school, Joke was patient and never gave up, “Please!”
“Of course,”
Jack was sure that she missed it, but he could see the hesitation behind Joke’s accommodating smile, “We can both help you, but why don’t you go and have some fun,”
“She got basically every one of these correct,” Joke muttered, looking back over the quiz once she had dashed off, “The only ones she missed were for minor mistakes,”
“She had a good teacher,”
Joke playfully smacked Jack with the back of his hand, “She had a paranoid teacher. I don’t know English and you know it,”
Jack ran his hand through the back of Joke’s hair gently, “You don’t have to try so hard,”
Joke smiled and nodded, but Jack could tell he didn’t believe him. The need to prove himself was too great, “Did she show this to my father? Was he proud of her?”
“She did,” Jack could see Joke’s muscles relax, and he hated the power Joke’s father had, “and he was — he praised her right away,”
Suddenly boneless, Joke slouched forward, “Good. That’s great. I’m glad,”
“He seems quite taken with her. Thinks of her as a granddaughter,” Jack caressed Joke’s hair once more, refusing to add any unnecessary information about the previous conversation. It wasn’t needed. He already knew based on this and other reactions that Joke knew exactly the kind of man his father was — probably could guess at the discussion that followed Toi’s praise.
It was moments like this, the quiet ones where Joke’s true fears and insecurities filtered through, where Jack was forced to think about what could have been if only he’d been given support rather than endless punishment. He loved the person Joke had become, and Jack didn’t want him to change — but existing would be so much easier if Joke had been treated like a child rather than a broken pawn.
“Come on, let’s get you something to drink and then you can help me with the afternoon lesson for the older kids,”
~*~
It was the tension radiating through Joke’s body that woke Jack up later that night. Normally, he melted into Jack – he would shy away at first, unsure, even now, how exactly to handle such warmth and intimacy but before sleep took them, Joke would be enveloped – soft and pliable. Sometimes muttering to himself, spreading heat into Jack’s chest with each puff of hot breath. He always ended up clinging to Jack like a moth drawn to the flame.
Hours ago, Joke had been so exhausted his body had succumbed to Jack’s warmth immediately. Sore muscles and joints folded to the heat that radiated out. It had been something so mundane and yet Jack wanted the entire night to be forever etched into his memories.
“Shit…” Joke muttered under his breath, so faintly that if Jack hadn’t been still looped around him, he wouldn’t have heard it at all.
“Why are you awake?”
Joke stilled for a moment, suddenly more tense, “I couldn’t sleep…”
Scowling, Jack pulled at Joke’s arm, forcing him to turn and face him, “Dreams?” Joke looked even more exhausted than he had been when they’d gone to bed – but there was more to it, “You’re on your phone?”
“Yeah…” the answer applied to both.
“That’s not going to help you sleep,”
Joke shifted again, his head resting on Jack’s outstretched arm, “I was trying to study…”
“You should be trying to sleep,” he decided not to address the obvious insanity of the situation, “Sleeping will help you study,”
“Toi wants to go over new words tomorrow – but I have to work all day, so…”
Jack forced himself to wake up more, blinking back sleep as best he could, “She can wait until the weekend,”
“She shouldn’t have to –”
“Joke –”
“I,” Joke tilted his head farther back, and Jack could make out the unruly moisture that was accumulating in the corner of his eye, “I want to be good enough for her,”
“You are,”
“You don’t get it,” Joke took a deep breath, Jack could feel the muscles tighten and relax beside him, “I can’t disappoint her like that – I have to be good enough for her,” he repeated as if the meaning had become more obvious.
“I already told you, you are,” he grabbed Joke more securely, “She already thinks the world of you, you know that,” he was met with no response, “Like you hung the stars,”
The room was quiet, the slight hum from the window unit they’d splurged on periodically sputtered in the background, and Jack could hear the faint music from the bar down the street. He waited. Joke was someone who would spew every truth under the sun if it was for the safety and wellbeing of a person he loved, but he was careful when being honest about himself.
“I don’t want to fail her…” Joke murmured the words into the night, “I… I don’t want her to think that I’m not good enough to help her or smart enough to help her. I don’t want her to give up on me being that person,” Before Jack could say anything, Joke let out a rough manic string of unsettling chuckles, “That’s so irrational…. Right? That’s completely irrational?”
Hearing the desperate need for validation, Jack readjusted his hold. Caging Joke in, encompassing him, “Yes. That’s irrational. She loves you like a father — that kind of love is unconditional. She doesn’t expect you to be perfect,”
The words did little to settle Joke’s discomfort, “I’m not cut out to be a father…”
It hurt every time Joke said it because Jack always knew he meant it, “She’s not complaining,”
“She will… one day once she sees how bad I am at all this… at least she’ll have you,”
“Joke,”
“I know… I know…” he sighed letting his phone slip the short distance to the floor.
“If she fails a test, are you going to give up on her?”
“Obviously not…”
“Then why would she give up on you?” Jack could tell Joke already had an answer. He could practically see it bubbling beneath the surface waiting to be released into the night, but he also knew Joke. Knew how Joke was quiet about the things he dealt with, quiet about why he was in pain, quiet about how, “What?”
“Nothing…”
“Joke?”
“Just go back to sleep,”
Jack wanted to protest more, to push Joke into saying whatever it was he was too afraid to say, but he burrowed into Jack’s arms soaking in the warmth and Jack let the added heat pull him under.
.oOo.
Despite Jack’s reassurance, he still caught Joke desperately studying their old English workbooks and listening to proper pronunciation early the next day. It created a swell of affection, like most of the things Joke did anymore, but there were also small cracks left in its wake. Hairline fractures that gave way to the broken childhood Joke left behind. It was one of many smaller pieces Jack had been slowly gluing together since they had met. The bastardized concept of love being solely conditional, at least when aimed at Joke himself, was the most detrimental in Jack’s eyes – it painted actions in such a horribly tainted light. He hoped one day he would be able to show Joke how things should be in a family. How love was given with no strings attached, no price tag in sight.
“Oh, I’m not going to be home for dinner tonight, Grandma,” Joke interjected mid-breakfast, bowing apologetically. Even with his unnecessary studying, he had still found time to help Grandma in the kitchen, making sure that she never had to lift any other the heavy pots or reach the high places – though Joke couldn’t easily reach them either, “My mother wants me to come over for dinner. She’s been insistent lately,”
Jack was grateful Toi wasn’t with them, afraid she might blurt out something, “Can I come? I haven’t eaten with your parents yet – I barely know your mother or your brother,” he could read Joke’s slight hesitation, but felt uneasy letting him eat with his father alone, “Maybe Grandma can make up a few of her special chive recipes, and we’ll bring those along,”
“Oh, that’s a lovely idea, Jack,” Grandma answered in Joke’s stead, “You need to get to know your new family after all,” she’d been pushing for their marriage since they exchanged rings several months ago, constantly calling Joke her other grandson and making suggestions, “I’ll make sure everything is fresh before you leave this evening,”
“Joke?”
“Yeah, sure. I’ll just message Mom and make sure it’s all okay. She’d said my father and Top both had this evening and tomorrow off, so it’ll probably be alright,”
“Then it’s settled,” Grandma smiled, “Next time I’ll come too – they’ll be my family soon enough,”
“Of course,”
The rest of the day progressed far too slowly for Jack, and by the time he and Joke arrived at the doctor’s home, he was riddled with unprecedented anxiety over the entire situation. He’d asked to come because he hadn’t wanted Joke to be with his father alone – not that Jack distrusted the man, he just wanted to spend a bit more time observing the situation – but now that he was there Jack realized what this was. He was eating dinner with his boyfriend’s family – his fiancé’s family. A group of people who he felt the need to impress.
“You don’t have to look so worried,” Joke clocked the anxiety as they rounded the final corner, “They already love you – you rehabilitated their delinquent son after all,”
“Don’t…” Jack couldn’t prevent himself from admonishing, “They just don’t yet know how much of a delinquent I was,”
Joke chuckled softly shaking his head.
The house was large but felt cold somehow. As though it was more of a statement or outward classification of the family that lived there rather than a true home. It felt staged; the perfect exterior, unmarred paint.
The door opened just as Joke went to knock revealing his mother, “Oh, I’m so glad you were able to come Joke and Jack,” she paused, sidestepping her son to pull Jack into a tight awkward hug, “it’s so good of you to join us! I’ve been meaning to ask Joke to bring you along,”
“Thank you for having me,” Jack managed to stutter back. Even she felt oddly sterilized, lacking color he associated with Joke, “We brought some of my grandmother’s chives,”
She ushered them inside, “That’s so lovely. Here,” she took the bag and turned, “Top, dear, can you put these on the table — I’m going to show Jack around,”
“Joke can do that,” Top took the bag from his mother with a strange, braced grimace. Sending an apologetic look towards Joke and then landing on Jack with much the same, “He lived here for years,”
“We changed a lot after he left — let your mother have her fun,” Joke’s father’s voice bellowed from further in.
With a smile, she brought both of them, because Jack had decided to grab Joke by the hand and prevent him from escaping, to every section of the house. Pointing out the awards Top had won, his academic achievements, and his graduation pictures.
Top was everywhere. His image lined the hallways and decorated the bedroom tables. His smile beamed out, stood between proud parents as he received his medical degree. Joke’s parents were frequent sights as well. Some old pictures clearly dating back to when they first were married, youthful versions of themselves abroad near the Eiffel Tower.
“And this, obviously, was the day Top found out he’d be working with his father — we were so delighted to see him achieve so much so quickly,”
Joke gave no sign of caring, simply allowing himself to be dragged along by the hand — smiling whenever Jack chanced a glance in his direction.
It was Jack who felt the weight of it all building uncomfortably on his chest, “What about Joke, ma’am? Baby pictures or?” He trailed off feeling Joke shift beside him.
“Ah, well… my husband… he had me take those down years ago. Right Joke? Didn’t we remove them before…well, soon after you got out of high school, right?”
“Yeah. If I wasn’t going to amount to anything he didn’t want my face up on the walls,” Joke recited, void of much emotion, “I’m not very photogenic anyway, Jack. You aren’t missing much,”
“Actually,” Joke’s mother sounded troubled, Jack liked to think it was at Joke’s pretend indifference, “I have all of his pictures in a box. Just wait for a moment,”
“He had all your pictures taken down?”
“Don’t worry about it. It was a long time ago,”
“Still —“
“Here,” when Joke’s mother returned, she brought with her a small box. It was coated with a thick layer of dust, only disturbed where her fingers had gripped it. A corner sunken in from water damage, darkened and warped, “Why don’t you both take it? Everything should be in there — through high school anyway… except your Certificate of Secondary Education…”
Joke waved her off, “There was no saving that anyway — don’t worry about it,”
Jack released Joke’s hand to grab the box. It was light, but he could feel the contents shift to the side as it tilted, “What happened to your certificate?”
Joke’s mother looked uncomfortable, shifting her weight back and forth. Joke clearly took pity on her.
“He found out I’d stolen the answers for one of my final exams — said I hadn’t earned it. So, he shredded it,” Joke shrugged, forcing a convincing smile.
“Don’t think badly of my husband, Jack. He means well,”
“Yeah,” Joke readily agreed, “I was a hard kid to raise. All work, no reward,”
Nothing about the current situation sat well with Jack and judging by Joke’s mother’s fraught appearance she clearly disagreed too. Yet, that hadn’t stopped her from following her husband’s orders. Removing Joke from the house even while he still lived there. Allowing her son to exist in isolation when he should have been surrounded by love. No wonder Joke reacted to care as though it was a foreign experience.
“Well…anyway, let’s just go and have dinner then, shall we?” She didn’t wait, already leading them both back downstairs, “I’m sure you’re hungry,”
The box suddenly felt heavy in Jack’s arms. Weighted down by years of neglect at best — the realization of it all only added to its intensity. The reality of it all was far more troublesome than he had ever imagined. He’d known Joke’s relationship with his father was precarious. That was plain as day, clear for all to see, and he’d assumed it had been because of the stealing — not that it went back so much farther than five or six years ago.
Despite the uncomfortable conversation upstairs, dinner went smoothly. Jack found that Joke’s family was more or less hospitable. His brother relished his return, constantly making an effort to include Joke in every conversation.
It wasn’t until the food was put away, the dessert brought out, and a few beers had been consumed that the mood turned sour. As though Joke’s father had only been cordial in his sobriety. It started out small, comparing the brothers with a clear bias laced through every word. All of which made Jack’s skin crawl.
“Knew he was worthless by the time Top entered school — he was so much brighter than Joke. Even the teachers commented about how bright Top’s future was going to be and how sorry they were we had such a worthless son,”
“Dad!” Top tried to interrupt.
Joke looked blank.
“What? It’s the truth. He tried to make it right when he was in his fifth year. Sixth? He tried, but he couldn’t even do that right,” the slur in the man’s voice did little to mask the disdain.
“You wish I’d succeeded?” It was the first thing Joke said unprompted all night, and Jack felt the mood in the room turn unnaturally cold, “That what you wanted?” Neither question were accusatory, but there was something in them that felt wrong.
Jack wasn’t the only one who noticed. Joke’s mother squirmed, attempting to remove the beer from the table, and Top outright told their father to stop.
But he didn’t.
“If you had, you never would have gone to prison. Never would have marked this family as something that raised a criminal. You wouldn’t be damaging Jack’s reputation right now – driving people away from the learning center every time you arrive,” he took another long swig, staring directly at Joke as though he intended to put him in his place, “It would have been like taking responsibility —“
“That’s enough!” Joke’s mother sounded almost frightened, “Just stop —“
“Why? We wasted so much of our life raising him,”
The immediate silence that followed was deafening. Jack could tell there was a second conversation taking place, something only they knew about. It was obvious in the way Top’s face drained of color, in how Joke’s mother looked close to tears, and most notably in Joke’s quiet response.
“Thanks for dinner,” standing, Joke downed the remaining bit of liquid and pushed out from the table. Putting his hand on Jack’s shoulder when he went to join him, “Stay, finish dessert. I’ll wait outside,”
“If you,” Joke’s father sluggishly followed Joke with a finger, “try it again, wait until you’ve broken up and my granddaughter has forgotten you. I like them — you shouldn’t tarnish them like that,”
“Honey!”
“What?!”
Jack was unsure of what to do, but Top quickly caught his eye and motioned for him to follow Joke.
“No, Jack — Jack stay,”
“Just go, Jack. I’m sorry about this, I’ll call Joke later,” Top immediately cut off his father’s pleas.
“Joke is just dramatic! He does everything for attention! He always did — that's why he did it anyway!” He got progressively more irate with each statement, “There’s no need to pretend otherwise — he loves attention!”
Jack was halfway to the door, already having grabbed the box of photos, when Top’s voice interrupted his father’s once again, “Joke didn’t try and kill himself for attention! That was out of desperation! You’re a doctor! You should know that!”
Jack stumbled out of the threshold, heart pounding behind his ears painfully. Stunned and suddenly too focused on finding Joke to hear whatever else was said behind him.
He’d tried to kill himself… Joke had once tried to kill himself.
The thought made Jack ill. He could vaguely remember how destroyed his grandmother had been following the death of his parents, but Joke’s father seemed indifferent to the idea. Casual about nearly losing his eldest son in such a devastating way.
Thankfully, Joke had done exactly as he said he would. Waiting just beyond the edge of the yard looking out over the nearby stream, “I told you to stay and enjoy the meal. Mom’s a good cook and with me gone I’m sure my father stopped complaining,” he pushed off the guardrail once he noticed Jack, “I’m sure –”
Jack cleared the distance quicker than needed, but Top’s words kept ringing on loop in his head. The box of pictures fell onto the pavement with a fragile ‘thump’ as he enveloped Joke in an all encompassing hug. Willing everything into it. It was like the day Boss had strapped a bomb on Joke’s neck on repeat — if Jack could spend his last moments wrapped in the peace that was Joke’s existence, he’d gladly let the world end.
“Hey,” Mildly alarmed, Joke struggled to free his arms to return the hug, “What’s wrong? What did my father say? Tell me and I’ll go —“
“You tried to kill yourself?”
Joke paused, “I… yeah, but that was… don’t worry about that. I was sixteen. It was a lifetime ago,”
Sixteen… Jack couldn’t fathom a sixteen-year-old feeling so desperate that they wanted to take their own life. Joke said it like it should be a comfort, but it only tor into Jack like a cleaver, “Sixteen?”
“Yeah… it’s not —“
“How?”
“Jack, I don’t think —“
“How? Why?” He pulled away far enough to watch Joke’s face, “Tell me,” he felt manic, desperate to know so that he could prevent anything like that from ever happening again. Shield Joke from the things that had affected him once, hide him away from his father if necessary.
“Let’s at least go home first?” Joke bent down and grabbed the box, doing so without shaking Jack’s hold on him, “I think that is the better idea. We don’t need to loiter around my parent’s yard discussing the mental health of a sixteen-year-old kid,”
“Joke –”
“When we are home. Come on,” he tugged gently, and Jack let himself be pulled along, trailing after like a toddler, “You know. I haven’t seen these pictures in at least seven years – we might find some really embarrassing ones,”
Jack couldn’t understand how Joke was so unaffected.
“In fact, I bet there’s one from Top’s sixth birthday in here where I decided to serve all the neighborhood cats cake – he thought it was funny and took pictures with our parents’ old film camera. The rest of the kids were less entertained,” Joke continued to ramble, “and, I guess, that cake was bad for the cats…”
“What about your birthday?” Jack’s tongue felt heavy, but the farther they got from the staged house the more his body relaxed, “Will we find any baby Joke birthday pictures in there?”
“Uh – probably? I know there were some from my early parties anyway. I think once, my grandma had given me money – maybe it was monopoly money… I don’t remember – but there was a picture of me with my fists full of it blowing out a candle. I think I was turning four?”
How could Joke be so gentle and kind growing up in a house like that?
Jack had a million more questions he wanted to ask – a thousand things he needed answers to – but instead, he listened to Joke ramble on about what pictures they might find the entire way home. Comforted by the warmth of Joke’s hand.
He wasn’t sure why his body had reacted so viscerally to the revelation. Of course, it was hard to hear that the person you love could have once felt so hopeless, and hearing it mentioned so heartlessly no less. And it wasn’t as though Jack had never seen Joke’s tattoo – never wondered what it meant and why it was there. Yet, he had never truly allowed himself to sit back and dwell on it. Maybe that was why it felt like a cannon was aimed at his heart. Maybe he could have already known about this, then hearing it screamed out across the dinner table might not have felt like an attack.
Both Grandma and Toi were sound asleep when Jack and Joke finally returned, but the light had been left on for them a small gesture that brought a smile to Joke’s face, “Did you eat enough at my parents’? If not, I’m sure your grandma has something in the —“
“You don’t need to care for me right now,” Jack tugged at Joke’s sleeve. This was something he did when he was uncomfortable — the first sign since they’d left his parents’ house that he was so — Joke would start putting all his effort into others, “Let’s just go to our room,”
“Ah…sure,”
Jack made sure the gate was secure, more out of habit than necessity now, and quickly followed Joke. He felt far more stable. The trip back had cleared his head a great deal.
Joke was already sitting on the edge of their bed. The box of old photos open on the floor in front of him. The sight was bittersweet. His whole existence having been shoved into a small, damaged cardboard box and shoved into some small closet somewhere without thought or care — it mimicked Joke in that way.
“I found the birthday picture,” he held up a discolored Polaroid, yellow tinting the once white edges, “It was my fourth birthday. I was right,”
Jack grabbed the picture to look at it more closely. Joke was tiny, squatting precariously on a wooden chair fists full of brightly colored play money. His eyes sparkled even through the dingy aged picture, cheeks painted in reds, blues, and yellows puffed up as he prepared to blow out the small singular candle atop the plain white frosted cake. He was adorable. Sweet and jovial. Jack had seen that version of Joke a few times, but he wished to see it indefinitely.
“Oh, look — here’s another one!”
This picture was less damaged by age, though Joke looked about the same, his cheeks beat red from the sun, half buried in coarse sand, “Who took this picture?”
“Hmm?” Joke had already started rummaging through the box again, “Oh, uh, probably my grandma? Top was a baby then, so our mom would have been busy, and father was always working,”
Carefully, Jack placed the two precious images on the table far away from potential sun exposure, “Joke?”
The tone must have given him away because Joke stilled then slowly deflated. Accepting his fate, “I’d failed an entry exam. Again, technically. My parents wanted me to transfer to a better school, so I’d have an easier time getting into an acceptable college. I’d taken an entrance exam every year and failed every year. And that year, they’d said if I failed, trying again was pointless and I’d just have to live with my endless failures… I was already in a bad place and it just, I don’t know,” he leaned back, motioning for Jack to sit, “It just pushed me over,”
Sitting heavily beside him, Jack bumped his shoulder against Joke’s, “How?”
Joke gave him a calculated look, licking his lips before running his teeth over them, “At first, I tried to hang myself from the stairs — everyone was gone, and it seemed like the easiest way.” He breached the topic calmly, reciting it like simple facts, “But the tie I tried to use wasn’t long enough. The knot pulled through and I ended up landing on my knees,” Joke rolled his shoulders back, committed to explaining everything, “I was beyond the point of no return then — didn’t think about much except how pathetic it was I failed at even that —“
“Joke —“
He smiled slightly and pressed on, “Grandma had died about six months before then and we hadn’t cleaned out her room, so I went and grabbed every medication I could find and took them all,”
Jack felt the room tighten around them, and despite Joke’s calm voice, the idea of it burned.
“Top got home… I was,” for the first time since he’d started speaking, remorse bubbled up in Joke’s voice. Cracking through several times, “I was conscious enough to tell him to leave, but he knew — he always knew…”
“How old was he?” Jack’s throat felt dry. He felt horrified, upset, and vengeful, he wasn’t even sure how to describe it all.
“Fourteen…” Joke cringed again, a flash of pure self-loathing that Jack hadn’t seen since the hospital fiasco so many months ago, “I hadn’t — he wasn’t supposed to be home. I swear, if I’d thought he was coming home that day, I never would have done it there… I’d have gone some —“
Jack broke off Joke's string, wrapped his arm around him, and pulled him into a side hug. Solid. Warm. Real. Everything Joke should be, “I’m glad he found you,”
“You’re glad I traumatized my little brother?” Joke snorted, sounding both incredulous and thankful, “He didn’t leave me alone for months,”
“Your parents?” He felt the need to ask but had no hope of a comforting answer.
“The hospital released me a couple of days later — a day before the first day back at school. They made me go to class… actually, there’s probably a picture in there,” he bumped the box with his foot, “Our mom always took one on the first day,”
Jack opened his mouth to ask something else, but a hesitant knock cut him off. Swallowing thickly, pausing a moment longer so Joke could reel in his emotions as well, “Come in,”
Slowly, the door creaked open, and Toi shoved her face into the gap, “I wanted to make sure you got home…”
“We got back just fine,”
“Yeah…but…”
Joke seemed to sense the hesitation and beckoned her in fully, “But what?”
“Your dad’s an asshole,”
“Toi!?” Jack attempted to cut her off.
Joke simply cackled, “He can be, yes. What’s this all about?”
“I just… wanted to make sure you were okay?”
The smile that slowly took over Joke’s features was one Jack wanted stamped directly onto his soul. It was bright and filled with affection, “I’m completely fine Miss Toi Ting, but you need to go back to bed,”
She hesitated, flickering her eyes between the two, “Are you sure? You shouldn’t listen to anything he says, okay? He’s not that smart,”
Joke sputtered another string of laughter, taking Jack along for the ride, “Don’t you worry. I stopped taking him seriously a long time ago,”
It was a half-truth, Jack could tell, but Toi accepted it readily. Quickly launching herself at Joke and wrapping her tiny arms around him, “Okay… I believe you,”
“Good. Now go back to bed,” he ruffled her hair as she pulled away.
“Good night, Toi,”
“Good night,”
Jack watched the exchange warmly, “She overheard him talking last week,”
“Of course, she did,” Joke started rummaging through the box once more, distancing himself from the story, “I’m sure he was a perfect gentleman,”
Jack wanted to point out that Joke talks down to himself in the same way. Wanted to say that Joke still listens far too closely to his father’s words. That he still tried too hard to gain the favor of a person completely unworthy of the attention.
“Oh, here — I found it,”
Joke placed another photograph onto Jack’s lap. This one is much newer than the last. The upper right corner had ‘Day 1; Year 11’ written in neat bold handwriting. The Joke in the picture looked void of life. As though he’d been held together by the particles that made the piece of paper and nothing else. There was no life in his eyes, his skin was several shades too pale, he was thin, and refused to look at the camera. This boy was being held hostage, forced to pretend nothing happened. That life was fine.
“I don’t like this one…” Jack muttered, holding the image delicately, “It’s like you aren’t really there…”
“It’s because I was there, that I’m here now though,” Joke took the picture and held it out in front of him, he reached out and grabbed the old birthday photograph too. Holding them side by side, “It’s a snapshot. Both are me,”
“You won’t….”
Joke placed both the picture back onto the table and pulled Jack into his chest, “No — spite alone has kept me from trying again for years. And now, I don’t feel the need to,”
Jack couldn’t help but laugh at that, the idea that spiting his father kept Joke alive was one of the most ‘Joke things’ he’d ever heard. It was so, him, “You’d tell me first. Let me help,”
“If it ever came to that? I’d try… I’m not… good at that stuff, Jack…”
“That’s enough,” and for now, it was.