Archive of Our Own

El Paso is warm in December. So is Los Angeles. So was Afghanistan.

Eddie never really thought much of it until he spent two winters in a place where all the songs about a white Christmas actually made some sense.

He doesn’t miss the cold, not really. He got used to it, mostly, or at least learned to tolerate it, but he knows now that deep down, he’ll always be a child of the desert.

It started back in April, when he’d sent a desperate text to Adriana and Sophia: I kind of need the biggest favor of my life. And Adriana had replied: Calling you now. She agreed to fly up and stay with Chris for a few days while he went out to L.A. to view houses with Buck, flights on Eddie, and also told him she’d be calling in an as-yet-to-be-determined return favor at a time of her choosing. Which turned out to be within five seconds of arriving at his door, overhead bin friendly rolling suitcase in tow.

“Christmas,” she said, poking a finger at his chest. “I don’t care where you’re living then, you’re coming to El Paso for it.”

“Deal,” Eddie said, grabbing her suitcase and leading her inside. He knew there was no arguing with her, and he really did owe her so big for this. “You’ll have to be on the couch or air mattress for a night before I leave, but I’ll change the sheets on my bed before I go.”

“Whatever,” she said, waving him off. “Now where’s my favorite nephew?”

So that was that, and now he’s here, two days before Christmas, with Christopher and Buck beside him, waiting for Sophia to pick them up from the airport.

“It’s probably not warm enough to go swimming, but I can still show you the lake,” Chris is saying to Buck while Eddie squints at his phone screen in the midday sun.

“Sounds awesome,” Buck says. “I’ve heard so much about it from both of you, I’m really excited to see it in person.”

“We should have just driven instead of flying,” Eddie mutters. He feels an arm slip around his waist.

“It’s gonna be okay,” Buck whispers in his ear, pressing his lips close.

Eddie sighs. “I know, I just-”

“There!” Chris shouts, pointing to their left where a compact SUV that Eddie doesn’t recognize is pulling into an open spot, Sophia waving excitedly from the driver’s seat once it’s in park.

She jumps out of the car, running to meet them as they walk over, throwing her arms around Eddie. “I can’t believe you’re actually here!”

Eddie hugs her back, letting his duffle drop to the pavement. “Yeah, yeah,” he says, but he’s smiling. “Just for you and Adri.”

He lets her go and she turns to Christopher next. “I can’t believe how tall you are, Chris, you were a baby literally last week.”

“Everyone says that,” Chris mutters, but he lets her hug him for way longer than Eddie has been able to get away with any time recently.

“And oh my god, Buck!” she says, clapping as Eddie and Christopher start loading their things into her trunk. “I can’t believe this is the first time we’re meeting in person, this is so exciting!” She pulls him into a hug, too, which Buck readily accepts.

“You literally text each other all the time,” Eddie says.

Sophia swats a hand at him, her other still firm around Buck’s arm. “Not the same and you know it,” she says. “You’re so much taller in person!” Eddie would grumble that Buck’s not that much taller than him, but he sees Buck’s ears turn pink, which is one of his favorite things to see, so he lets it slide this time.

“It’s great to meet you, too,” Buck says. “Thanks a million for picking us up, I know how terrible airport traffic around the holidays can be.”

“Of course,” Sophia says, “I wasn’t gonna let you all ride in a cab.” She winks at Christopher, who grins back, and something long tight in Eddie’s chest releases just a fraction. He hates that staying away from his parents meant staying away from his sisters, too, and he knows that if anyone understands, it’s them, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. “C’mon, you’re up front with me, Chris,” Sophia says, opening the passenger door. “Let’s let your dads be sappy together in the back.”

Your dads. Eddie feels his face heat up as he follows Buck into the middle row of seats. Yeah, they all have a group chat and they’ve met and talked over facetime, but it’s different in person. He didn’t realize it would be, and he kind of loves it. But he can’t talk about that now, needs more time to process it first.

“When’d you get this thing?” he asks instead, gesturing to the vehicle at large as they buckle in. He watches Sophia roll her eyes in the rearview. “Last I saw you were still rocking the Camry.”

“Of course that’s what you want to talk about.”

“I could sit here silently and pout the whole drive,” Eddie offers.

“Oh, believe me,” Sophia says, “I’m well aware.” Eddie glances at Buck who he can tell is holding in a huge grin. Even though they do all text all the time, Buck has never witnessed Eddie and his sisters together in person. It’s nice, he thinks, that after all this time there’s still new sides to each other that they haven’t seen.

“Fine, don’t tell me,” Eddie says, putting on his threatened pouty face. It would have gotten a laugh out of Christopher when he was younger, but he’s buried in his phone now and doesn’t see it.

Sophia glances to her right, and Eddie thinks she understands. “Well, with Pia getting bigger it made sense to get a bigger car, and like, everyone at her preschool has something like this.”

Eddie rolls his eyes now. “Since when do you care about sh-stuff like that?”

“Dad, I’m sixteen.” Is eye rolling genetic?

“You’re not even listening.”

Sophia laughs. “Preschool is so insane these days, Eddie, seriously. You haven’t had to deal with it since-” She stops. They all know Eddie wasn’t around when Christopher started preschool, that it was Shannon who handled that particular bureaucracy. “Just trust me,” she continues, smoothing over the moment in a way Eddie never could, “it’s like, insanity. And don’t even get me started on the mommy blogs.”

“Oh yeah, those are cutthroat,” Buck says. Eddie gives him a look. He shrugs. “When Maddie was first pregnant with Jee.”

“Of course,” Eddie says, giving Buck’s hand a squeeze.

“You guys are sickening,” Sophia says. “Chris, throw something at them for me.”

“On it,” Chris says with a salute, then digs a tissue out of his pocket, lobbing it at Eddie.

“Nice.” Sophia high fives him and Buck laughs brightly beside him, and yeah, okay, it’s going to be okay. “Also,” Sophia says, “there might be a new addition soon.”

Eddie freezes. “Soph, you’re not-”

“God no! No, more like a four-legged addition.”

“Jesus. Say that the first time.”

“And miss watching you squirm?” Eddie grabs the tissue from where it landed on the floor between the seats and takes aim. “Driver immunity!” Sophia shouts.

Eddie grumbles but shoves the tissue in his pocket. He’s a big brother, sure, but he’s also a first responder, and he doesn’t mess around with road safety. “Are you thinking dog or cat?” he asks instead. “Or, I dunno, rabbit? Hamster?”

“Guinea pig?” Buck suggests.

“Pia has been talking nonstop about dogs, she’s obsessed with Bluey,” Sophia says. “We’re not getting her one for Christmas, because duh, but we are gonna take her to a shelter to look around.”

“Are you going this week?” Christopher asks.

“We’re actually going later today,” Sophia says. “Most places will be closed the next couple days. Kind of last minute but you know how it goes. You wanna come along?”

Christopher whips his head around. “Dad, can I?”

Eddie hesitates. They’re stopping at Adriana’s first to get a car to borrow for the next few days, then checking into the hotel, then having lunch with his parents, not to mention they had to be up before dawn to catch their flight. He’s exhausted just thinking about it all. But Christopher isn’t a kid anymore, he knows how to tell when he’s getting tired, knows how to advocate for himself, and Eddie needs to let him. He glances at Buck who gives him a supportive smile and a quick squeeze of the hand.

“Yeah,” he says eventually, “that should be fine.”

“Awesome! Thanks, dad.”

“But if you get tired at any point just call or text and we’ll come get you.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Christopher says, attention already back on his phone. Eddie squeezes Buck’s hand back.

When they get to Adriana’s, she has much the same reaction to meeting Buck as Sophia did, which is to say, a million times more excitement than she ever would have shown if it was just Eddie. He could be bitter about it if he didn’t feel the exact same way every time he sees Buck again, whether they were apart for four minutes or an entire forty-eight.

“Let me know if you need the car back at any point and we’ll figure something out,” Eddie says as she hands over the keys.

“Seriously, it’s fine,” she says. “Just don’t crash it or anything.” Eddie gives her a look and a wave as he climbs into the car, and she blows him a kiss as they pull away and start on the route to the hotel.

It’s always a little odd being in a car this low to the ground after spending most of his time in an engine or ladder truck or the Jeep. He misses his old truck sometimes. They haven’t gotten a second vehicle since he and Christopher moved back and it’s fine, most of the time, but more than the convenience, Eddie misses having that thing that’s entirely his. It came out of one of the darkest times in his life, but he was still always proud of the truck and loved that buying it was something that he had done entirely for himself. He knows he can’t do that now, just go out and impulse buy a vehicle, but maybe it’s a conversation to have in the future.

Check-in goes smoothly once they arrive at the hotel and Eddie flops onto the bed in his and Buck’s room almost before the door closes. He listens, eyes closed, as Buck settles their things, checks the lightswitches, kicks off his shoes. He feels the bed dip as Buck’s weight lands next to him, then a warm hand on his back.

“We have about forty-five minutes before we need to leave to make it to your parents’ house for lunch,” Buck says.

“Do we have to?” Eddie groans.

Buck laughs softly above him. “They’re your parents, not mine.”

“And thank god for that.” He turns his head and cracks an eye open to see Buck smiling down at him.

“Someday it’ll be my turn,” Buck says. “But I plan on putting it off for as long as possible.”

“I approve of that plan,” Eddie mutters, then tugs Buck down to lay beside him.

Buck goes easily, adjusting a little until they’re comfortably face to face. “Want me to set an alarm?”

“No,” Eddie says, reaching an arm around Buck to pull him closer, “just wake me up when it’s time.” He knows Buck has a freakish internal clock, and if it happens to fail just this once, well, Eddie won’t blame him.

“At least take your shoes off if you’re gonna nap,” Buck says. “Come on.” He sits up and Eddie almost whines until he feels Buck gently untie his laces and slide his shoes off. God, he really hit the jackpot, he thinks as he drifts off.

It’s far too short a time later when Buck is nudging him awake. Eddie rolls over and sighs. “I’m awake.”

“You sure?” Buck says, lightly teasing, and Eddie half-heartedly kicks out in the direction of his voice. “C’mon, it’s just lunch and then we can drop Christopher off at Sophia’s and then we’ll have the rest of the day to do whatever we want, even if that means just coming back here and ordering room service and sleeping.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

---

It’s surreal, pulling into the driveway of the house again for the first time in years. For once Eddie’s driving, because it’s easier for him to just do it than play navigator for Buck who has never been to El Paso before, and the motion of pulling up in the same spot as always – behind his mother’s car, on the left side – sends him careening back to high school.

His car back then was a clunker, passed down from Sophia after she left for college, and already old when she’d gotten it cheap from her friend’s cousin using her babysitting and quinceañera money. But it had been his refuge, one of the only things that granted him a sense of freedom, and he cherished it until Shannon had insisted on trading it in for something safer after Christopher was born. And being half the world away, Eddie really hadn’t been in a position to argue.

“Ready?” he asks as he throws Adriana’s car into park.

“Ready if you are,” Christopher says from the back.

Buck reaches over and gives his hand a quick squeeze. “Okay,” Eddie says. “Let’s do this.”

The front door opens before they can even get to the porch, his dad greeting them warmly. “It’s so nice to finally have you boys home again. Or for the first time, in your case, Buck.”

“Happy to be here,” Buck says, shaking his hand. “Thank you for having me.”

“Of course,” Ramon says. “Come, I’ll show you around. Eddie, your mother is in the kitchen.”

Buck sends him a quick glance and Eddie nods for him to go with Ramon. He can handle his mother. He thinks.

He finds Helena in the kitchen as promised, taking down glasses from the cabinet.

“Eddie! Christopher!” she says when they enter, as if they’re somehow a surprise, as if she hadn’t insisted on them coming for lunch immediately after arriving. “How was your flight?” She hugs them both quickly, distractedly, then goes back to her task.

“It was fine,” Eddie says. “Made it all in one piece.”

“Of course,” she says. Then: “Well, Christopher,” and Eddie recognizes that tone and braces himself for what’s coming next. Judging by the way Christopher tenses beside him, he has a feeling Chris got to know it pretty well in the time he was living here, too, and hasn’t forgotten. “I’d offer you your old room but some of your second cousins got to it first. Sorry.”

She flashes a smile their way as she pours water from the jug in the fridge into glasses for them, and Eddie bites back a million things he could say, desperately wants to say – it was my old room first, just like I was your child first, and how dare you use my son in your games of emotional manipulation like that, and he doesn’t want to live under the same roof as you ever again, anyway, and he’s never going to choose you again. Maybe he’ll get to say them all someday, but for now, it’s two days before Christmas and he needs to play nice and just get through the trip.

So instead he claps Christopher on the shoulder and says, “Don’t worry about it, we’re already set up at the hotel, anyway.” Christopher shoots him a grateful smile, and Eddie nods back, and relief floods him at knowing the two of them are still a team.

“You’re not staying with your sister?” Helena asks, closing the fridge.

Eddie bites his tongue again, tries to slow his breathing, then feels a hand slip into his. Buck’s skin on his does more to calm him than any breathing exercises ever could, any day of the week. “Mrs. Diaz, it’s so great to see you again,” Buck says. “You have a beautiful home.”

“Buck,” she says, again as if it’s a surprise that he’s there. “Thank you. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

Buck shifts, sliding his hand to Eddie’s lower back. “It has,” he agrees. Eddie knows what they’re all thinking: the last time Buck saw either of his parents, they were taking Christopher away. He swallows. “Let me help you with those glasses,” Buck says, grabbing a couple of them off the counter. “Are we eating in here, or…?”

“The dining room,” Helena says. “More space for all of us in there.”

They used to sit in the kitchen for breakfast every morning, all five of them together around the old wooden table his abuelo had made for his parents when they got married and bought the house. When he was young he dreamed that someday it might be his, a solid, sturdy memory of his solid, sturdy abuelo. As he got older, it felt like a burden, a symbol of the man he was failing to become even as a child. He looks at it now and it’s beautiful, and he loves it, but he knows it will never be his, and he feels strangely at peace with that. There’s a life that the table belongs to, and it isn’t his.

“You okay, dad?” Christopher asks, breaking him out of his reverie.

Eddie shakes his head and blinks. “Yeah, míjo,” he says. He grabs the last glass of water from the counter. “C’mon, let’s go sit.”

Lunch is more or less pleasant, if a bit stilted, but still Eddie is exhausted when they leave barely ninety minutes later. Ramon asks about the house, what sort of work they’ve had to do on it, and Buck takes point on the answers; Helena asks Christopher about school and gets mostly one word answers back, which Eddie hopes she writes off as him being a teenager, hopes she remembers he was the same at that age. It’s fine, but Eddie is on edge the entire time,watching for warning signs and ready to jump in if any of the conversations start heading in a risky direction, but they manage to stay in safe waters.

Buck is, as always, tuned in to Eddie’s feelings. “Want me to drive?” he asks as Ramon closes the door behind them.

“Yeah,” Eddie breathes, fishing the keys out of his pocket and handing them to Buck. “Thank you.”

“I was trying to watch as we drove here so I think I mostly know the way back to the hotel, but I can always pull up maps if you want to close your eyes.” They’re nearly to the car but Eddie stops. “You okay?” Buck asks when he sees Eddie freeze.

Eddie reaches out to grab Buck’s sleeve and pulls him into a hug. Of course Buck noticed how tired he was, of course he knew how nervous Eddie was and did the bulk of the talking even though he’s not fond of Eddie’s parents, either, and of course he predicted all of this in the first place and made sure to memorize the route between the hotel and the house. He can’t believe anyone on Earth ever let this man get away.

Buck wraps his arms around Eddie, warm and safe. “Hey, I got you,” he whispers into Eddie’s ear.

“I know,” Eddie says. He waves his freer hand until he hears a sigh and Christopher comes over, letting himself be enveloped in the moment. “Love you both.”

---

They drop Christopher off at Sophia’s for the evening then head back to the hotel. Eddie wants nothing more than to sleep for the next million hours, but as soon as he’s back on the bed, too squishy hotel pillow under his head, his brain won’t turn off, a non-stop loop of all the things he wishes he could say to his mother.

“Hey,” Buck says, knocking his knee against Eddie’s gently, “talk to me.”

Eddie sighs and sits up, and Buck follows. “I was exhausted when we got out of there but now I’m just full of this pent up energy.”

“We don’t have to stay here,” Buck says. “We can go down to the pool and swim laps or go for a run or whatever.”

Eddie thinks on it, tries to think of anything else, but his mind keeps coming back to the same thought, over and over. “You wanna see where I went to high school?”

Buck grins and grabs his hand. “I’d love to.”

Eddie swings his legs off the bed and scrubs his hands over his face. He feels the bed shift behind him followed by the warmth of Buck’s hands on his shoulders, massaging gently. Eddie turns his head and gives him a quick kiss. “Let’s go.”

He drives again, much as he hates it, much as he knows Buck would rather have it the other way around, too, judging by his constant fidgeting in the passenger seat, but it’s a thankfully short drive.

“I, uh, I don’t know how legal this is, strictly speaking,” Eddie says as he parks the car in the far corner of the lot, both for protection and out of habit – it’s slightly hidden from the road by trees and is the same spot he parked in back when he attended the school. “But people come here to use the diamond and track all the time when there’s no students around, so it should be fine.”

“I’m great at pleading ignorance,” Buck says with a grin as he gets out of the car. He stretches, long and lean, then rounds the car to Eddie. “Lead the way.”

Eddie grabs his hand, lacing their fingers together, and leads him down the gentle slope away from the parking lot and toward the sports fields. It’s only 3:45 but the light is already fading fast. He thinks back on constant late practices that he would prolong to even later, working on his throw or his swing, any excuse he could find to put off going home for a little longer.

“So this is where the magic happened, huh?” Buck asks when Eddie brings them to a stop on the edge of the baseball diamond.

“Something like that,” Eddie says, staring out over it. He lets go of Buck’s hand and walks out into the sand, kicking up dust. He scuffs his foot against home plate.

He feels Buck follow him, feels eyes on him, but Buck keeps a small distance. “I know it’s hard being back.”

“Yeah,” Eddie says, crouching down to brush sand from the plate. “Not in the way I thought it would be, though.”

“No?”

He knows he could leave it there and Buck wouldn’t prod, but he finds that for once in his life, he wants nothing more than to talk about it. “I thought it would be weird like going back to LA was, you know? Or like it was the first time I came back after Chris and I left, well, the first time. Like everything is just shifted slightly to the left from what you remember. And there’s a bit of that, but…” He stands, dusting off his hands and shoving them in his pockets. Buck waits beside him, patient. “More than anything, I’m angry.”

“I think that’s fair.”

“I didn’t get to come here before we moved to Chicago, didn’t get to see my parents or talk to them in person, and I thought it was fine hashing it all out over the phone and facetime and that I was past it all now. But as soon as I saw the house, and saw them, especially my mom… god.” Buck places a hand tentatively at the small of his back, and Eddie leans into it. “ I’m angry for my past self, for Eddie two years ago and ten years ago and at eighteen and twelve and…” He takes a deep breath. “I could never stand up for myself before, I just had to go along with things or run away, I could never face it. But I think I can now. I want to.”

“Maybe it was a good thing, us coming here,” Buck says quietly behind him.

Eddie turns and wraps an arm around Buck’s waist. “Yeah, maybe.”

“What would high school Eddie think of you now?” Buck asks, slinging an arm across Eddie’s shoulders. “Eddie at sixteen, go.”

“God.” Eddie leans his head on Buck. “I think he might be angry, too. In a different way, though.”

“Yeah? How so?”

“I think part of me knew even then that I was gay, but it was shoved so far down I don’t know that I ever thought it would see the light of day. That’s bound to make a guy angry, even if I couldn’t put it into words back then. But also my parents, how they treated me differently from my sisters, were stricter with me.” He shrugs. Buck runs a hand across his upper back. “There were a lot of things and it wasn’t exactly an environment that encouraged talking about any of it. I think when Chris… When Shannon got pregnant, I mean I knew we weren’t being safe and yeah, part of it was you always think you’re invincible when you’re seventeen, but I also knew I was doing something that would make my parents angry if they knew.”

“Oh, I’m very familiar with that motive,” Buck says. “I still can’t believe Chris is sixteen now.”

“Don’t remind me,” Eddie groans, pressing his face into Buck’s chest. Buck’s laugh rumbles beneath him.

“I think sixteen year old Buck wouldn’t recognize me.”

“No?”

“No,” Buck says. “I was… I was pretty lost back then.”

“I’ve heard about Buck one-point-oh,” Eddie says, and he lifts his head in time to see Buck’s ears go pink.

“That was a little more my twenties than my teens,” Buck says. “I more mean like, I had a lot of friends back then, but they were all casual, you know? I wanted so badly for people to like me, I was constantly doing dumb shit just to get a laugh or for anyone to pay attention.”

“You’re still constantly doing dumb shit,” Eddie teases.

“Yeah, yeah,” Buck says, nudging him gently. “At least I have some training now. But I mean, back then, I could get invited to any party if I wanted to, but no one knew when my birthday was. And I played football but people never remembered which sport it was, just that I did something. Like, people enjoyed having me around but no one wanted to keep me.”

Eddie sighs and squeezes him tighter. “Their loss.”

“Maybe,” Buck says, shrugging gently.

“I mean it, Buck,” Eddie says, pulling away a little so he can look Buck in the eyes properly. “Anybody would be lucky to have you in their life, more than lucky. I still don’t know what I did to deserve you.”

“Eddie–”

“I know, I know,” Eddie says, cutting him off, because he knows exactly what Buck is going to say. “I know it’s not a matter of deserving, but– The sentiment of it. I still wake up some days and can’t believe that this is my real life.”

“Same,” Buck says. He gets a glint in his eye then. “You ever make out under the bleachers, Diaz?”

“Oh my god,” Eddie groans.

Buck grabs his hand and drags him over to the short bleachers outside the fence around the diamond. The bleachers are barely tall enough for them to really be under, but Buck has never let a technicality like that deter him, pushing Eddie against the support beams and kissing him hard.

It should feel ridiculous, but with Buck pressed against him and the setting sun painting them gold, something settles in Eddie for the first time since they left their house this morning.

“How’s sixteen year old Buck feeling now?” Eddie asks when they finally break apart.

“Hmm,” Buck hums. “A little confused, I think. Making out under the bleachers? He’s totally on board with that. But settling down? Not in his vocabulary.”

“Is that what we’re doing? Settling down?”

“It better be,” Buck says. “We bought an entire house together, Eddie. It doesn’t have the white picket fence but I think we could get there if we really wanted to.”

Eddie laughs. “Yeah, I’ll see about getting that installed.” He lifts his head and looks at Buck, his hair aglow in the last beams of sunlight. “I’m really glad I get to settle down with you.”

“Back at you,” Buck says. He leans in and kisses Eddie again, softly this time.

They sit on the bleachers and watch the sun until it sinks below the horizon and the stars begin to blink on, but even the desert gets cold at night.

“C’mon,” Eddie says when he feels Buck start to shiver. “There’s a diner nearby we used to go to sometimes after practice.” He stands and offers Buck a hand. “I usually wasn’t allowed to go but I’m an adult now and I can do whatever the hell I want.”

Buck throws his head back and laughs, bright and loud, then takes Eddie’s hand. “I’d be honored to go to the diner with you.”

---

They’re not expected at his parents' for their annual Christmas Eve party until evening the next day, so they have a slow morning, ordering room service for brunch instead of bothering with continental breakfast, then going down to the pool after at Christopher’s insistence.

Eddie and Buck opt for the hot tub while Chris leads a game of Marco Polo in the pool with some younger kids he met.

“Maybe we should take an actual vacation sometime,” Buck says, pressing closer to Eddie than is really necessary in the super-heated water. Eddie doesn’t mind.

“Yeah? Where to?”

“I dunno,” Buck says, slinging an arm behind Eddie. “I hadn’t thought that far ahead.”

Eddie laughs, leaning into him. “Okay, what brought this on, then?”

Buck shrugs. “Just, being in a hotel pool, ordering room service, it’s all kind of fun if you ignore the reason we’re here. Imagine how fun it would be if it was an actual vacation.”

“Alright, where are we going, then, on this hypothetical actually fun vacation?”

“Mmmmm,” Buck rumbles, “let me think. It feels silly to go somewhere else warm like Florida or Hawaii ‘cause we already live in L.A., and I think Chris would enjoy going somewhere that has good museums and stuff, right? But most cities have decent stuff like that. I went all sorts of places when I was in my twenties but I don’t think I’d wanna visit any of them again, y’know?”

Eddie smiles. “Yeah, I get it.” He could listen to Buck reason out vacation spots all day, if he’s honest, which is maybe a little pathetic but it’s not exactly a secret how far gone he is for Buck. “What was your favorite place you lived?”

“Other than Los Angeles?” Eddie nods and Buck hums again. “Dunno,” he says eventually. “There were things I liked about all of them and things I didn’t. None of them had you, though.”

Eddie rolls his eyes. “Sap.” But his chest feels warm, and not just from the water.

They stay a bit longer, only able to coax Christopher back up to their rooms when the other family leaves and he’s just left with the two of them.

“Why don’t we get showered and changed and then head out and grab some lunch?” Eddie suggests.

“Won’t grandma be mad if we’ve already eaten before the party?” Christopher asks, shivering in the elevator.

Eddie ruffles his hair, spraying pool water everywhere and earning himself a groan from Chris. “It’s only two, the party’s not ‘til seven, I’m sure we’ll be plenty hungry again by then, you especially.”

“Okay, but I get to pick where we go,” Christopher says.

“Deal.”

---

The party is already in full swing by the time they arrive, admittedly a little late.

“You made it,” Helena says as she opens the door for them. “We were starting to get worried!” Her tone is light and it would work for anyone else, but Eddie knows her too well, knows if there weren’t guests around he’d be getting an earful. “Well, come on in, your sisters have been here since four.” Eddie seals his lips and follows Christopher in.

“It smells amazing in here, Mrs. Diaz,” Buck says, and despite everything Eddie can tell it’s sincere because, well, it does smell amazing.

“Thank you, Buck,” Helena says. “Let’s get you all something to drink.”

“You go sit,” Buck says, leaning close to Eddie with a warm hand on his back. “I’ll handle the drinks.” What he means is he’ll handle Helena, and Eddie loves him so much.

“Thanks.” He kisses Buck quickly then leads Chris into the living room to make the rounds among whatever family and friends have shown up this year.

Ten minutes later they’re still drinkless in the living room and Buck is nowhere to be seen. “I’m gonna go find Buck,” Eddie tells Christopher, who is already deep in conversation with his cousins and waves him off without a care.

He finds Buck in the kitchen, as expected, being ordered around by Isabel, both of them elbow-deep in masa for the tamales.

“She put you to work right away, huh?” he teases, leaning in the doorway to watch.

“Eddie, it’s been so long since I’ve gotten to cook with Buck. Years, Eddito, years!” She throws her head back in a laugh and Buck smiles at him, looking for all the world like there’s nowhere he’d rather be than making tamales with Eddie’s Abuela.

“We miss you in L.A.,” Eddie says. “Hasn’t been the same without you.”

“And I miss my boys,” Isabel says. “I know you didn’t want to stay away for so long.”

Eddie feels a lump rise in his throat. He doesn’t regret going to Chicago, he doesn’t, and he never will because it was what he and Christopher needed, but he does regret some of the inevitable consequences of having to make that choice. It’s been hard, learning to hold those two opposites inside of him, learning that they can coexist peacefully, but every day he gets a little better and the weight gets a little lighter.

He looks up to see Buck watching him carefully, and gives him a smile. “Promise I won’t do it again,” he says easily, and Buck smiles back.

He stays there in the doorway for a long time, watching two of his favorite people work together while listening to the chatter of the party, and while there are many, many reasons part of him never wanted to step foot in this house again, this moment is worth all of them.

When the batch of tamales is finally cooking and Buck and Abuela are cleaned up, they all sit at the kitchen table to get all the latest gossip, and before long an hour has passed without Eddie seeing hide nor hair of Christopher.

“I just want to make sure he’s doing okay,” Eddie says, excusing himself from the table.

“Go,” Buck says, giving him a pat on the arm.

Eddie leans down to give him a quick kiss on the temple, right at his birthmark, and as he’s leaving the room he hears Isabel saying, “I always suspected there was something with you two.”

Christopher’s not where Eddie left him in the living room, but one of his cousin’s says he went outside a bit ago. Eddie eases open the outer door that always sticks in the cooler months, no matter how many times his dad has tried to fix it, and finds him on the porch swing.

“Hey, Chris.”

Christopher looks up but doesn’t stop swinging. “Hey, dad.” He looks back out over the lawn.

“You doing okay out here?”

“Fine,” Christopher mumbles, kicking out a foot to push the porch swing a little faster. “Just tired. There’s a lot of people in there.”

Eddie nods, closing the door behind him, and reaches out for the arm of the swing to steady it a bit before sitting down beside Christopher and giving a kick of his own to get it moving again. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, but can you promise you’ll at least let me know if you’re uncomfortable at any point? Or if you get overwhelmed and want to leave, anything like that.”

“Yeah, I will.” His voice is so much deeper these days it still takes Eddie by surprise sometimes. The height he’s getting used to, kids can be tall. But the voice? He hadn’t been prepared for that one.

“Mind if I sit here for a bit?”

Christopher shrugs, which Eddie knows is as good as a yes these days. Everyone told him there was no escaping teenagers being teenagers, but part of him couldn’t help but hope it would skip over his kid. Not that Christopher isn’t still the greatest kid in the world, but Eddie longs for the days when he was so open with his feelings, good and bad. It’s a hard thing to reckon with: he’s always proud and awed when something about Christopher reminds him of himself, but in this particular case, he kind of wishes he’d taken more after Shannon. She’d always been upfront and honest, for better or worse. He wonders sometimes if Chris would have been more like that if she hadn’t died, if Eddie hadn’t been the one he learned from.

They sit in silence for a while, the porch swing rocking back and forth gently, one of them occasionally brushing a foot against the ground to keep the momentum up. Christopher breaks it first.

“Is it weird for you to be back here?”

Eddie is quiet for a moment, trying to think of the best way to answer. “Yeah, it is,” he says eventually. He wants Christopher to know that whatever he’s feeling about being here is okay, so he continues, “Not just in this house but in the whole city. You know the hotel we’re staying at didn’t exist when I was your age?”

“Really?” Christopher asks.

“Really.”

“What was it before?”

“Nothing,” Eddie says with a shrug. “Just an empty plot of land. The city keeps getting bigger so they keep building more stuff.”

“Did you like living here?”

Eddie breathes in, holds it, lets it out. Christopher waits. “It’s hard to say, míjo,” he says eventually. “It was the only thing I knew. There were things I liked and things I didn’t like, but that would be true anywhere.”

“What did you like about Chicago?”

Eddie hums. “I liked that it had seasons. I’ve never lived anywhere like that before, where there’s such a big difference like that. And I liked that it was easy for us to get around even without a car. How about you?” He’s not sure he’ll get an answer, but he has to try.

Eventually: “I liked the El a lot, and all the museums. I liked snow.” He pauses. “I liked that it was just us.”

Eddie feels his heart do something that feels like breaking and being put back together at the same time. “I liked that, too.”

“I like living with Buck now, though.”

“Yeah?” Chris nods. “Good. Me, too.”

“Is Buck still inside?”

“Yeah, he was helping Abuela in the kitchen.”

“Can you tell him I’m out here?”

Eddie smiles softly to himself. He loves so much that Christopher has Buck, that they have each other. He resists the urge to fully hug Chris in the moment, but he does reach out and give him a quick squeeze of the shoulder as he uses his foot to stop the swing. “Of course, I’ll go find him.”

“Thanks, dad.” Christopher looks up at him and smiles as Eddie opens the door to head inside and it hits him all over again how far they’ve come. Sometimes, still, after stressful days at work or difficult conversations with his parents, when he can’t turn his brain off and can’t get to sleep, he still sees Christopher as he was on the day he left, angry and hurt and completely unable and unwilling to look Eddie in the eye. Every moment they share now is beyond precious to Eddie and he cherishes each one, holds them carefully in his heart.

Helena predictably waylays him almost as soon as he steps into the house, carrying an empty cookie tray back into the kitchen and breaking Eddie’s moment. “Christopher should come back inside,” she says. “Everyone’s in here and it’s getting cold out there.”

“Ma, he spent the last two winters in Chicago,” Eddie says. “And I’m not gonna make him come inside until he decides to.”

“He’s missing the party,” Helena says, that ever present tone in her voice like she knows best turned up just a little higher.

“Then he’ll miss it,” Eddie says with a shrug. “You remember how I was at that age, couldn’t leave social events fast enough.”

Helena gives him a once over. “I remember,” she says.

They stare at each other for a moment. “Did you need anything else from me?” Eddie asks, not really a question.

“No,” Helena says, mouth tight, and she turns away back toward the kitchen.

Eddie sighs and turns the other way and sees Buck in the dining room now, sitting around the table and laughing with his sisters and Sophia’s husband. He walks over just to hear the tail end of something that he immediately knows he shouldn’t be hearing.

“I mean, he kinda strung you along for like, two whole years,” Adriana says.

Buck gives her a smile that only looks convincing to the people who don’t know him. “I kinda did it to myself,” he shrugs. “I did kiss him first.” He glances up then and sees Eddie, hovering in the doorway, and calls his name loudly.

“Eddie!” Sophia yells with a wave. “Come join us!”

“Sure,” Eddie says, “just a minute. Buck, Chris is looking for you. He’s out on the porch swing.”

“Oh,” Buck says, seeming genuinely surprised, “yeah, I’ll go find him.” He scoots away from the table and trails a hand along Eddie’s back as he passes him.

Eddie grabs his hand before he can get away and pulls him in for a quick kiss, earning a wolf-whistle from somewhere. “Go,” he says when he leans back, giving Buck a gentle nudge. Buck simply nods and does as he’s told.

“Alright, Edmundo,” Adriana says once Buck is gone, “your turn in the hot seat.” She pats the chair Buck just vacated.

“My entire life has been in the hot seat,” Eddie mutters, but he sits down.

---

They get home late, the Diaz parties infamous for lasting well into the night. Several of his cousins are still there when they leave, well past 1am, and Eddie can tell Christopher is barely keeping his eyes open, with many of the younger kids already passed out on couches and chairs and wrapped in blankets on the floor.

Buck climbs into the driver’s seat without Eddie having to ask, and he feels heavy in every possible way when he slumps into the passenger seat. Buck puts their hotel into his phone and reads through the route quickly, then turns it off and drops it in the cupholder. He lays his hand on Eddie’s thigh and it’s big and warm and grounding.

It hadn’t been a terrible night overall. He mostly avoided his parents and instead spent his time catching up with Abuela and his sisters and some of his cousins. It was nice being able to introduce Buck to everyone, even with some slightly pointed comments from some of his tíos and tías. They already all knew the situation – word had spread pretty quickly once he was back from Chicago. Eddie is back in Los Angeles and he bought a new house. With a man. A few of the cousins he was closer to had texted to congratulate him, though whether it was on the house or the inadvertent coming out he wasn’t quite sure. Really, he’d just been glad to get it out of the way and let the gossip mill do the work for him.

It’s a quick drive at this hour, few other cars on the road and the lights set to change when they approach, but Christopher is already asleep by the time they pull into the hotel parking lot.

“Not sure I can carry him anymore,” Buck says, glancing at the back seat as he turns off the car, a hint of sadness in his voice.

“Not sure he’d want it anymore anyway,” Eddie says with a sigh. He reaches back and jiggles Chris’s leg gently. “Hey bud, we’re back. You good to get upstairs?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Christopher replies, rubbing at his eyes. “I was barely asleep.”

“Okay then,” Eddie says, “let's get to bed. Big day tomorrow.”

It’s a quiet processional as they make their way inside and up to their rooms. Eddie misses the days of Christopher’s easy chatter, always wanting to talk to him, to them, even when he was about to drop. He cherishes every moment he gets with his son, is so beyond grateful and proud and awed to see him grow up, but it’s hard to know there’s certain things he’ll never get back, that he didn’t appreciate when they were around.

Still, he and Buck both get a goodnight hug and Eddie even manages to sneak in a kiss to the top of Christopher’s head before he disappears through his own door. Eddie sighs heavily as Buck unlocks their own room and herds him inside.

“Mind if I take the bathroom first?” Buck asks. “I really should have gone before we left.”

“It was like a twenty minute drive,” Eddie says, nudging him lightly.

“Blame Rafael’s non-alcoholic punch,” says Buck, kicking off his shoes. He kisses Eddie’s cheek as Eddie sits to undo his laces. “I’ll be quick.”

“Take as long as you need,” Eddie says. “I know better than to mess with that punch.”

They don’t get into bed until nearly 2:30, by which point all tiredness has left Eddie and he just feels restless again, like he had the day before after lunch. Except this time it’s the middle of the night and there’s nowhere to go. Beside him, he can sense Buck feeling the same.

“You’re thinking,” Eddie says, rolling onto his side to face Buck, who is sitting up straight against the headboard.

“Sorry,” Buck says, his voice a little far away.

“It’s fine. Anything you want to talk about?”

Buck is quiet for a moment, his hands fidgeting with the edge of the comforter. “Christopher asked me earlier, when we were out on the porch…” he starts then drifts off.

“Yeah?” Eddie prompts.

Buck shakes his head like he’s trying to clear it out. “He asked how it was for me in California while you two were in Chicago.”

“Oh,” Eddie says, not sure what he was expecting but probably not that. “Have you guys ever talked about that before?”

“Not really,” Buck says with a shrug. “He knows how much I missed you both, but it’s never really come up otherwise.”

“You don’t have to tell me – your conversations with Chris can stay between the two of you – but you can if you want to.”

Buck hesitates, eyes fixated on the generic flower painting above the tv across from the bed. “I told him it was hard,” he says eventually. “That I was really lonely and sad sometimes. But I also told him a little about Nick and Janice, and how I probably wouldn’t have met them otherwise, so there were still some good things that came out of it. He told me about some of his friends in Chicago… I think they were all named Aiden?”

Eddie laughs softly. “Yeah, there were at least three Aidens and a Jayden in his class our first year there.”

The corner of Buck’s mouth lifts a little and he continues, sounding a little rougher now. “I asked if he misses them and he says they still play some games together online and talk on Discord so, and I quote, ‘it’s cool.’” He pauses and seems to gather his resolve to say whatever’s coming next. “He asked if I was ever mad at him for making you leave.”

Eddie wants to reach out, grab his hand or his whole body and hold on tight, but Buck is still staring at the painting, eyes far away. He sits up instead, curling his hands into fists to stop himself from reaching out. “I’m sorry, Buck.” It feels like an empty platitude, and he’s not even sure what he’s apologizing for, but he doesn’t know what else to say.

“It’s okay,” Buck says quickly. “I told him I was never angry with him and I never, ever would be.”

Eddie nods. “I’m sure it was good for him to hear that.”

“H-he asked…” Buck takes a breath. “He asked if his grandma was mad at him.”

“Fuck,” Eddie says, wiping a hand down his face.

“Yeah,” Buck says. “I told him I don’t know, because I don’t know her all that well, but if she is then it’s her responsibility to deal with it, and it’s not fair if she makes it his problem.”

“That’s… that’s really good, Buck,” Eddie says, and he really, really means it. “I don’t know if he and I have ever talked about that. Maybe he doesn’t want to bring it up with me because she’s my mom… I don’t know, but I’m really glad he has you.”

Buck finally turns to look at him. He doesn’t say anything but he reaches out for one of Eddie’s balled up hands and eases the fingers loose so he can lace them with his.

“And I’m sorry that it was hard for you when we were gone,” Eddie says, squeezing Buck’s hand. “I know we’ve talked about it a little before but since you mentioned it…”

“It’s fine,” Buck says, squeezing back. “We’re together now, that’s what matters.”

“I did kind of string you along, though, didn’t I?” The words have been echoing around his head since he overheard Adriana, and he didn’t mean to say it but it’s out before he can stop himself.

Buck tenses beside him. “You heard that?”

“Sorry,” Eddie says. “I didn’t mean to. She just said it right when I was walking in to tell you Chris asked for you.”

“I swear she didn’t mean it like that,” Buck says. “We were joking around, it was light-hearted, I promise.”

Eddie looks down at his hands. “She wasn’t wrong, though, was she?”

“Eddie, no. They don’t know the whole situation, okay? Don’t let their comments get to you.”

“But it’s true,” Eddie insists. He tries to pull his hand away but Buck just holds on tighter. “I… God, I did so many things… I-I trusted that you’d always show up when I asked, I took advantage of that, and I didn’t do the same. Not as much as I could have–”

Buck cuts him off. “You came back when I needed you most, and you found us our home. That’s not nothing, even if it was a little late in the game. And I know you’re always going to put Christopher first, and I can’t resent you for that, because I would do the same.”

“I know you would, and it feels like I used that against you, used you, because I wanted to, because I wanted to keep you even when I knew I shouldn’t.”

“Hey, no,” Buck says, and he does pull his hand away now, but only so he can adjust, turning to fully face Eddie. “I’ve never seen it that way, okay? So you shouldn’t either.”

“Maybe you should see it that way, though,” Eddie says, and it’s harsher than he means for it to be but it’s all at himself, never at Buck. “Maybe because it’s true.”

Buck leans away from him. “D-do…do you want me to be mad at you right now?” he asks, and he sounds genuinely unsure. Eddie deflates.

“No,” he says firmly. “No, I just… you’re always so good. You’re so patient and kind and giving and sometimes I still feel like I don’t deserve it. And I know,” he continues, waving a hand before Buck can interject, “we’ve been over it. I’m worthy of those things even if I don’t feel it. But knowing it doesn’t always make it easier to accept.”

Buck takes his hand again, running his thumb across Eddie’s knuckles. “You’re worthy of everything, Eddie. I’ll believe it enough for the both of us.”

Eddie breathes steadily, in and out, until he feels calm enough to speak again. “I was scared,” he admits, closing his eyes. “I was afraid that if I visited L.A. before we decided to move back that I wouldn’t want to go back to Chicago. I wanted to come back to you so many times, and it killed me that I couldn’t and that it was my own selfish reasons that kept me away.” He feels the bed shift and cracks an eye to find Buck’s face next to his.

“I felt selfish, too,” Buck says. “I felt like you could never fully live your life in Chicago because you always had one foot back in California with me. But I didn’t want to give you up. Having just a part of you was better than having nothing.”

Eddie nods, feeling close to tears. The clock on the bedside table tells him it’s past 3am now. “I love you,” he says, “and we’re both very tired.” Buck nods and laughs, a little choked from his own tears. “And it’s technically already Christmas. Why don’t we put this on the back burner for now and get some sleep?”

“Yeah,” Buck says, nodding again, “that sounds good. Love you, too.”

Eddie switches off the light next to him and slides down next to Buck, wrapping him in his arms. They trade off who gets to be big and little spoon, usually understanding implicitly what the other wants or needs, and tonight Eddie needs to hold more than to be held.

---

Buck is just blinking awake in his arms when Eddie’s phone buzzes on the nightstand beside him. He groans and reluctantly rolls over to check who it is, then groans again.

“Morning, mom,” he says after swiping the call open, “Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas. What time do you think you’ll be over?” Helena says on the other end of the line in that voice of hers that makes Eddie feel like he’s done something wrong no matter what her actual words are.

“We were thinking around noon,” Eddie says, sitting up and running a hand through his hair.

“Noon? What about breakfast? You already missed Christmas Mass.”

Eddie has never been able to figure out how she’s always so chipper on Christmas day despite getting max five hours of sleep between people leaving the party and having to be up for church first thing in the morning. “We’re about to head down to breakfast here,” he tells her.

“Eddie, you can’t eat continental breakfast at a hotel on Christmas.” And there it is, Eddie thinks. “I called to see when you’ll be here so I can get the timing of the food right.”

“Just a sec, mom.” Eddie pulls the phone away from his ear and turns to find Buck already watching him, worry wrinkling his brow. He covers the phone with his hand. “I can’t talk to her right now,” he says.

Buck nods and sits up, then carefully slips the phone from Eddie’s hand. “Helena, hi!” he says brightly while Eddie flops back onto the bed, still tangled in the covers.

“Chris was at the door, he couldn’t find something in his suitcase… No, not the hall, we have adjoining rooms.” Eddie rolls his eyes, because of course she would never let Chris walk six feet alone in a hotel hallway. “Yeah, Eddie’s way better at finding things than me, he always knows.” Not even close to true but the lie makes Eddie grin, the way it falls so easily from Buck’s lips in a way it could never from his own, and god, Eddie loves him. “Oh, yeah, he’s already been to the hotel pool twice. I think it might end up being a third time before we make it over to you… Ah, I’m probably not the best person to ask about that, I probably would have been thrilled with a hotel breakfast as a kid… I promise you’ll still see plenty of us today, but I think we want to have a little bit of time for just our family… Okay, I’ll let him know… Yep, see you later, Helena!”

Buck hangs up the phone and scoots closer to Eddie. “Coast is clear,” he says, gently dropping the phone on Eddie’s chest.

“Thank you,” Eddie says. “Seriously, you’re amazing.”

Buck shrugs and grabs Eddie’s hand. “It’s always easier when it’s not your own parents.”

“What did she want you to tell me?” Eddie asks, even though he doesn’t really want to know.

“Chris, actually,” Buck says. “She said the pool club he used to go to also has an indoor pool.”

“Of course,” Eddie says, rolling his eyes. “As if he wouldn’t know that already.”

“You want me to check on him?” Buck asks. “Not about the pool, but breakfast closes at nine-thirty and it’s already eight-forty-five.”

“You don’t have to ask, you know. He’s your kid, too. You can check on him.” It’s not the first time they’ve had a version of this conversation, but Eddie will take every opportunity he can to hammer it home for Buck that he’s not a guest in the family; he’s a parent, no matter what the doubting voices in his head tell him.

“I know,” Buck says. “But I still like checking with you.”

“Fine,” says Eddie, “but next time try just saying it instead of asking it. I can still let you know if I disagree. But I doubt I will.”

“Okay,” Buck says. “I’ll try. I’m gonna, then. Check on him.”

“Good,” Eddie says.

Eddie watches as Buck crosses the room to knock at the adjoining door. “Chris? You alive over there?” No response. “Throw something at the door in the next ten seconds or I’m coming in.” He starts counting and on seven gets a thud in return. Eddie laughs. “Okay, ten minutes and we’re going down to breakfast.”

There’s a muffled, “‘Kay,” from the other side of the door. Buck smiles fondly and comes back to sit on the bed.

He smiles down at Eddie and reaches over to run a hand through Eddie’s hair. “I’m really glad I get to do this with you.”

Eddie sits up and takes Buck’s hand. “You’ve been raising Chris with me for years,” he says.

“Not just that,” Buck replies. “Just… everything. Even the kind of shitty parts. There’s no one else’s mother I’d rather lie to on the phone.”

Eddie laughs. “Lucky me.” He scoots closer, enough to cup Buck’s face and kiss him, slow and sweet.

There’s a knock at the door. “I’m coming in, you better be decent.”

Buck breaks away from the kiss and drops his head to Eddie’s shoulder with a laugh.

“We’re fine,” Eddie calls back. They’re not – they’re still in pajamas, their hair sleep rumpled, and Eddie is still frustrated with his mother – but. They’re fine. He gets up and finds a shirt on the floor as Chris opens the door.

“Why did I have to be ready if you’re not even ready yet?” he grumbles, taking in the state of them. “I could still be in bed.”

“Look,” Eddie says, pulling on a slightly nicer pair of sweatpants and grabbing a pair of socks, “I’m ready now. And Buck can be ready in two seconds, too, right Buck?”

“Absolutely,” Buck says, already digging through his things to find his more outside-world appropriate comfy clothes. “See?” He holds them up proudly. “Basically already done.”

Christopher rolls his eyes and drops into the chair at the desk beside the tv. “If we miss all the good cereal I’m blaming you.”

“Fair,” Buck says, shoving his feet into his pool sandals. “Done!”

There’s still plenty of good cereal options when they make it down, along with everything else, and though the pancakes can’t hold a candle to Buck’s homemade ones there’s still something that’s always a little exciting about hotel breakfast.

“I think it’s the way you can smell the chlorine from the pool,” Buck muses while they eat. “Really adds to the overall flavor experience.”

Eddie hums in agreement around a sip of coffee, nudging his ankle against Buck’s under the table. He thinks again of Eddie at sixteen, surrounded by friends and family but so often alone and afraid, unable to articulate why he felt so apart from the people around him. There’s still a lot of anger on both ends, but he’s starting to think his younger self would look at him now and feel pride.

They’re back up to their rooms a little after 9:30, with Chris already asking to back down to the pool.

“You know,” Eddie tells him, “when I was a kid, my Mormor Pia wouldn’t let us swim for at least thirty minutes after eating. She said we had to take time to digest first or we’d get sick.”

“But you’re not gonna make me do that, right?” Chris asks.

Eddie grins. “Nope. Go get changed.”

“I don’t know if I’ve ever heard you mention Pia before,” Buck says as he opens their door and Christopher’s slams shut behind him.

“My mom’s mom,” Eddie says. “Obviously. She passed away when I was seven or eight, I don’t remember a ton. But she made the best homemade gingerbread.”

Buck smiles as they collapse onto the bed together. “I can take him down if you want to stay up here and rest.”

“You sure?”

“Got some reading to catch up on,” Buck says. “You stay and rest. You’ll need it.”

“Yeah,” Eddie says, “probably true. Thank you.” He leans over and kisses Buck quickly before flopping back down.

“And take your shoes off,” Buck chastises as he gets up to find his book.

Eddie grumbles but does as he’s told. He knows he’ll be more comfortable anyway, he just gets so used to their zip-up boots sometimes that anything with laces feels like an inconvenience.

“We’ll be back in a bit,” Buck says when they hear a knock on the hallway door. “I’ll put out the do-not-disturb sign just to be safe.”

“Love you,” Eddie calls, muffled from the pillow, and then he’s asleep.

He really had intended to use the time to maybe weed through his emails or catch up on Instagram, but the second he’s fully in bed the exhaustion of family holidays gets to him, and almost before he knows he’s asleep he’s being roused by Buck.

“Hey there, sleepyhead,” Buck says when Eddie blinks awake. “Have a good nap?”

“What time is it?” Eddie asks groggily. He should be used to an off-kilter sleep schedule, what with his job and all, but there’s something different about sleeping odd hours at the firehouse versus anywhere else, and it’s never as restful outside the bunk room.

“Just past eleven,” Buck says, running a hand through his hair. Eddie hums, wishing he could go back to sleep with Buck holding him close.

Instead, he pushes himself up and gives Buck a quick kiss. “Thanks for going down there with him. Did you get much reading done?”

“I may have fallen asleep, too,” Buck says with his shy little smile. Eddie laughs. “Hotel pools are just always so warm, and the water sounds and I swear there’s something about the chlorine smell.”

“I’m glad you got more rest,” says Eddie. “We both needed it.”
“We’ve got about twenty minutes before we should head out,” Buck says. “Anything you need before then other than getting dressed?”

Eddie shakes his head. “Just you,” he says, and he grabs Buck and pulls him down onto the bed.

Buck goes easily with a huff and a laugh before curling himself around Eddie. “It’s all gonna be okay. I promise.”

Eddie just hums in response and tugs Buck’s arm tighter around his waist. In ten minutes he’ll get up and put on his dress clothes, because his parents still insist on an at least semi-formal Christmas; he’ll make sure Christopher is dressed and ready; he’ll follow Buck out to the car and hold his hand the whole way over to his parents house; he’ll celebrate Christmas with his biological family for the first time in nearly a decade.

But for now, he’ll lay here with Buck’s arms around him and safety and warmth in his chest.

---

Once again, things are already in full swing when they arrive at noon sharp, parking at the very end of the driveway packed with cars. There’s fewer people than yesterday, but it’ll still be a full house, and no less exhausting Eddie is sure.

They manage to slip in under the notice of Helena, at least, instead being greeted by Isabel with warm hugs and cheek kisses for all. Eddie lets himself be led into the dining room after they remove their shoes and Christopher gets pulled away by some cousins.

“Abuela taught me cribbage when I was a kid,” Eddie explains to Buck, trailing behind him. “We used to play all the time but I’m probably a little rusty, so no teasing when I get skunked every match.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Buck says with a twinkle in his eye. “Teach me?”

“Okay,” Eddie says, “but remember, you asked for it.”

It’s a perfect way to pass the time before dinner, teaching Buck the intricacies of the game while losing spectacularly to Isabel every time. And once the food comes out, his parents are too busy making sure everyone’s plates stay full to really pay much attention to Eddie at all.

It’s the gifts he’s been dreading.

He had decided, and Buck had agreed, to just get everyone the same thing: a gift platter with cured meats and dried fruits and cheeses, all from local California farmers. He and Buck had picked them up at a market a few weeks ago and wrapped them all before sending them to Sophia so they wouldn’t have to worry about packing them. They go over well with his sisters and cousins and Ramon, and passively with Helena, but he expected nothing less.

His parents, really Ramon he suspects, get him and Buck a Home Depot gift card. “I know it’s a little impersonal,” his dad says, “but I didn’t want to get you anything that would be hard to travel with. And I know how much work goes into a new house, so I’m sure you’ll find something more useful to spend it on than anything I would pick.”

Eddie gives him a quick hug. “It’s great dad, thank you. Both of you,” he says with a nod to his mom, standing in the corner and watching everyone, as is her custom. “We’ve had our eyes on some new blinds for the guest room, you’ll have to come see them in person when we get the room finished.”

He glances at Buck who smiles and gives him a small nod. An open invitation to his parents to visit anytime should be as much of a gift as the platter, and is certainly costing him far more, but he is trying.

Christopher is next. He unwraps a gift box from his grandparents to reveal a couple shirts, one nice button up and one long-sleeve tee with a dinosaur on it. Both are too small.

“Well we haven’t seen him in so long,” Helena says from her post in the corner with a false little laugh. “We didn’t know what size to get anymore.”

And yes, Eddie is trying, but he just wishes she didn’t always make it so goddamn hard. “Well, you could have asked me,” he says.

“I’ll just take them back and exchange them and send you the new ones,” Helena says, taking the box from Christopher.

Chris gives Eddie a look that Helena can’t see, but still says, “thanks, grandma. They look like nice shirts.” Because Eddie raised him right.

He lets Buck take the lead on the rest of the exchange, barely paying attention to what they get from his sisters and the cousins. As soon as he’s able to, he slips outside to the porch swing.

The thing is, he knows if he asked his mother, she’d say that she was the one trying and he was the one being obstinate about it all. And he knows he shouldn’t let it get to him, that he knows the truth and that everyone else can probably see the reality too, but.

“She’ll never change, huh,” Adriana says, coming out onto the porch and closing the door softly behind her. “Mind if I sit?”

It’s an echo of his conversation with Christopher from the previous night. He scoots over. “All yours.”

She sits and they swing quietly for a few moments. “Thank you,” Adriana says, tucking her feet up under her, letting Eddie do the legwork.

“For what?” Eddie asks, staring out across the yard.

“For coming,” Adriana says. “For being here.”

Eddie shrugs a shoulder. “I owed you.”

“Yeah,” Adriana agrees, “but come on, I wouldn’t have actually made you do this if you really didn’t want to. So, thank you.”

Eddie leans his head back. There are cobwebs tucked in all the corners and crevices of the porch roof, dead leaves and god knows what else caught in them. Maybe he could clean those out before he goes. “I couldn’t put it off forever,” he says.

“You’re a good person, you know that, Eddie, right?” She tips her head back to match his and pokes her toes at his leg until he looks at her. She smiles.

“I try,” he says.

“I know Soph and I had it easier than you a lot growing up. I know we had it easier because of you. So thank you for that, too.”

Eddie sits back up and gives the slowing swing another kick. “You don’t have to thank me for that.”

“No,” Adriana says, “but I can. And I want to.”

“Okay.”

She nods. “Buck is great,” she says after a moment. “I’m really happy for you.”

Eddie can’t help the flush that rises to his cheeks. He wonders if that’ll ever stop happening. He kind of hopes it doesn’t. “Thanks.”

“I’m sorry if I got you two in hot water with my comment the other night,” Adriana says.

“It’s okay,” Eddie replies, “really. We talked about it and we’re good.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” They’re quiet for a minute, swinging to the sounds of El Paso on Christmas night. “It’s weird sometimes,” Eddie starts, the night air making him honest. “For two years, the first two years of our relationship, all we could do was talk. But there was so much that we never actually said.”

Adriana nods. “Some conversations have to happen face to face.”

“Yeah, but we’ve been back and living together for six months now,” he says. “And we still haven’t said it all.”

Adriana levels him with a look. “I know you’re not that dumb, Edmundo.” She jabs a toe hard into his thigh.

“Hey!” Eddie glares at her but lets her speak.

“You guys are still settling back into L.A. and figuring out how to live all together as a family, of course you haven’t had every conversation you could possibly have about your relationship. And you never will, ‘cause that’s not how relationships work. Idiot.”

“Real uplifting there, Adri.” She pokes him again. “I just want to be good enough for him.”

Adriana sits up and scoots closer to him. “Eddie, I’ve seen the way he looks at you. I think you could single-handedly cause the apocalypse and he’d still have hearts in his eyes.”

A smile creeps across Eddie’s face despite himself. “Guess the feeling’s mutual.”

“Gross,” says Adriana. “But I am gonna take credit for keeping you two together in my Best Man speech.”

Eddie actually laughs out loud. “Oh, good luck fighting Soph for that one.”

“We’ll split it,” she says with a grin. “C’mon,” she tilts her head at the door, “let’s get back inside.”

“Yeah,” Eddie says, stopping the swing and standing. He holds out a hand to Adriana and when he pulls her up he pulls her into a quick hug, too. “Let’s go.”

The rest of the day is fine; he catches up with relatives he didn’t get a chance to talk to the night before, and plays a few more rounds of cribbage with Isabel, even managing to win one, and he hugs everyone goodbye at the end of the night feeling, if not completely at ease, then at least settled in the knowledge that he did the best he possibly could.

When they go to bed that night, Buck holds him.

---

The day after Christmas Christopher takes Buck to the lake.

Eddie goes home.

He drops them off with a promise to be back before they get too cold, then takes the scenic route to the house.

Eddie loved El Paso growing up, in the way that only children can love a place; then, when life started to leak in, he grew to hate it, maybe a little unfairly, in the way that only teenagers can hate a place. Now, as he drives past the places he haunted in his youth, the places that have haunted his adult life, he thinks he understands it.

El Paso is Texas, but barely, tucked into the very corner of the state, a different timezone than the rest. It’s sandwiched between Mexico and New Mexico, as close to Los Angeles as to the Arkansas and Louisiana borders, with endless desert between. Part of something, but set apart; hemmed in close but still so distant from the rest of what it’s meant to be a part of.

He pulls into the driveway and turns off the car.

“Eddie,” Helena says when she opens the door. “I thought you were busy today.”

“Christopher wanted to show Buck around the lake, just the two of them,” he says. “I thought we could talk.”

“I’m a bit busy,” Helena says, not entirely cold but not exactly welcoming. “Cleaning up after yesterday and I have to bake more cookies for the church bake sale on Sunday.”

“I can both clean and bake,” Eddie says. “You taught me both of those.” Helena purses her lips but something softens in her eyes. Still, she hesitates. Eddie pulls out his hail mary. “Either that or I go back to the hotel and sit there by myself until Chris and Buck are back.”

“Fine,” Helena relents, “come in then.”

Eddie steps into the house and takes his shoes off, knowing if the floors haven’t been mopped already they will be soon. He sets them carefully on the shoe rack in the spot where he knows his dad’s work boots usually go.

“Where’s dad?”

“He’s over at Rafael’s, helping him fix something or other. The water heater, I think it was.”

Eddie nods. He wants to get this over with, get the conversation done and dusted so he can move on from it, but he knows that’s a bad attitude to go into it with and that Helena will shut down completely if he comes at her guns blazing, so he takes a deep breath and asks, “Where do you need me?”

Helena puts her hands on her hips and looks around, surveying the house. “I guess you can start by taking down the garlands from the railings and the fireplace,” she says.

“Really?” Eddie asks. “Don’t the decorations still stay up until Epiphany?”

“Oh, well,” Helena shrugs. “The tree will. The rest of it, though, I honestly don’t think we’d bother with it if it weren’t for the family coming over.”

There’s something about the way she says "the family,” like it doesn’t include Eddie and his family, that sets his teeth on edge, but he swallows it down. Not yet. “I guess it is a lot of work,” he says instead. “Happy to help deconstruct it.” He tries to keep his voice as neutral as possible, and hopes she’s convinced.

“I’ll be in the kitchen, then,” Helena says. “Let me know if you need anything.” She turns away and Eddie sighs once she disappears around the corner.

It’s tedious work, unwrapping the garland from the banister, the plastic faux-needles shedding everywhere, but he gets it done, winding the long length up into as neat a spiral as he can manage, which is pretty neat, he thinks, thanks to years of hose maintenance training. He takes down the bows, as well, setting them aside so they can sit on top of the garland in the big plastic tub, because he knows his mother is precious about them getting crushed, even though the garlands weigh nothing. He goes to start on the garland over the fireplace next, but pauses, staring at the stockings lined up along the mantel. It’s crowded now, with Sophia and her husband and Pia, Adriana and her partner and their two dogs.

There were only five for most of his childhood, four of them matching. His Mormor Pia had knitted all her children and grandchildren stockings, each a unique design, a mix of Swedish and Mexican Christmas symbols. She was gone before Christopher was born, but his parents had bought one for him that first Christmas, when Eddie was away at basic, and they both hang side by side now, on the very end of the mantel, but still there nonetheless.

“That first year,” Helena says from behind him, making Eddie jump, “he was so small, the stocking was nearly bigger than he was.”

Eddie clenches his jaw. He hates that there are still so many memories she has of Christopher’s life that he’ll never know, hates that she only seems to pull them out in order to hold them over him. Never as a gift, only as a weapon. But still, he bites back his first comment.

“I wish Mormor could have made him a stocking, too,” he says. “She would have loved him.”

“Mmm,” Helena hums. “I wish she had taught me how to knit.”

“Why didn’t she?”

Helena walks over to stand beside him and reaches out to touch Eddie’s stocking on the end, running her thumb along the smooth, neat stitches. “I was too impatient to learn,” she says. “I always wanted to be off doing the next thing, and I couldn’t stand being bad at something. I wanted to be perfect at it right away.”

“Sounds like me,” Eddie says, an olive branch perhaps, but also the truth.

Helena smiles tightly, nearly a frown. “Christopher isn’t much like that, is he?”

He’s not sure if it’s a jab or just an observation, but Eddie can’t stop himself from throwing his own wrench in it. “No,” he agrees, “he’s good at sticking with things until they’re done. He’s like Buck that way.”

He hears Helena take in a sharp breath. “Will we have to get another stocking in the future?”

“You might.”

Helena turns then and looks at him, a bit like she’s seeing him for the first time. “Sit,” she says.

Eddie obeys, crossing past her to take a seat on the couch, leaving enough room for her to decide how close they’ll be. She doesn’t sit as far away as possible, but she’s not close.

“We were doing what we thought was best when we took him in,” she says, and she’s not looking at him, her eyes still trained on the mantel.

“Best for who?” Eddie asks.

“For him, of course,” she says, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world, because to her it is. Of course it was always for Christopher, she and Ramon the self-sacrificing grandparents. Anger flares in Eddie, then cools, replaced by a lump rising in his throat.

“I was your child first.”

Helena’s hand moves a fraction, like she was about to reach out for him and stopped herself. “Eddie,” is all she says.

“You could have helped both of us,” he says, choked, nearly three years worth of emotions finally spilling out. “You could have mediated, helped both of us work through it. That’s what would have been best for him. But you never forgave me for leaving in the first place.”

“He asked us to take him,” Helena says. “It’s what he wanted.”

“What about what I wanted? And he was a child, who was hurting and scared, and yeah, I caused that, but did you ever talk to him about it? Did you ever once ask how he was feeling, what he wanted after you up and took him out of his life? Or did you just pretend it never happened like always.”

“We did what we thought–”

“Don’t give me that,” Eddie spits out. “You wanna know what I did? When we got to Chicago? I found a family therapist and set up a session and Christopher and I went to therapy every single week for two fucking years, because that’s what was best for us. You didn’t want what was best for him, or me, you wanted what was best for you. You wanted a do-over. But he’s never been your son, he’s always been mine. Mine and Shannon’s. And for the past seven years he’s been Buck’s, too.” Helena opens her mouth to speak but for once in his life Eddie doesn’t let her. “It’s in my will. If anything happens to me, Buck is next of kin, because he is the only other person I trust to put Christopher’s needs ahead of his own, ahead of everything else.”

He stops, breathing heavily. Helena sits silently on the couch, watching him. At some point he stood up and now, for lack of anything better to do, he begins taking down the garland. He winds it up and places it in the bin with the others, then removes the bow from the nail at the top of the fireplace and lays it gently on top of the garlands, laying the others beside it.

“Does anything else go in this bin?” he asks.

“No,” Helena says. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

A beeping sound comes from across the house. “I have to check the cookies,” says Helena.

“Right.”

She stands, glancing at Eddie with a look he can’t even begin to parse, then leaves the room. He deflates as soon as she’s gone. He sets the bin on top of the one containing part of the Christmas village, already dismantled, then sits back down on the couch. He pulls out his phone, more out of muscle memory than anything, and sees a text from Buck in their family chat.

He opens it to find a selfie of Buck and Christopher, the lake gray and chill behind them but their faces bright and shining. His chest aches with how much he loves them, and with how much they love each other, and it hits him: he doesn’t want to be like her, and that means not withholding moments from his life and his son’s life, even if he wants to, even if he thinks she doesn’t deserve them. She may not get a do-over, but Eddie still has the time to do better. He gets up and walks into the kitchen.

“Got a picture from Christopher and Buck,” he says, leaning in the doorway. “Want to see?” He holds out the phone.

Helena wipes her hands on a kitchen towel, then takes the phone and studies the picture for a moment before handing it back. “They do sort of look alike, don’t they?”

“Yeah,” Eddie says. “It’s the curls.”

“Can-” Helena starts, then clears her throat. “Send that to me, would you?”

“Of course,” Eddie says, and he does.

“Thank you.” She pauses, looking around the room. “Do you want to help me decorate the cookies?”

“I’d love to.”

They sit at the table and she catches him up on church and neighborhood goings-on while they ice the cookies and cover them in sprinkles, and after, Eddie vacuums the stairs and packs away the rest of the Christmas village, and then is shooed out so that his mother can mop in peace, just as he predicted.

He sits in the car for a moment, watching the house as the silhouette of his mother passes the front windows, before driving away.

---

“So,” Buck starts later that night as they’re climbing into bed, “how was Helena?”

Eddie sighs, pulling back the covers on his side and sliding into the stiff sheets. “She was… it was okay.”

“Yeah?”

He shrugs, and settles back against the propped up pillows. “We’re never going to see eye to eye,” he says. “Not on how I was raised, not on how I’ve raised Christopher, not on everything that happened when he left…” He stops, trying to gather his thoughts, and feels Buck’s weight settle in next to him. “I kind of don’t care any more.” It’s freeing to say out loud, almost as freeing as it was to realize it in the first place. “I’m never gonna make them see things my way, and I’m done trying. I said my piece to her today, and she can do what she wants with it, but I’m done being angry.” He turns to Buck then and finds him staring, a look of awe on his face. “What?”

“Nothing,” Buck says, “just that you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever known.”

Eddie resists the impulse to roll his eyes – it can be hard sometimes, even after so many years, to meet Buck’s full sincerity face to face. “I– I’m trying.”

“You’re amazing,” Buck says again. “I mean it, Eddie. Just think what post-tsunami fight club Eddie would think of you now. You’ve come so far and I’m so proud of you.”

“Thank you,” Eddie says, and he shifts a little closer to Buck. “How was the lake?” he asks. Everywhere is home if Buck is beside him but god, he can’t wait to be in their home, in their bed, again.

“It was nice,” Buck says, dropping an arm around Eddie. “A little windy and cold but it’s really pretty.”

“Yeah,” Eddie says, “it has its moments.” Buck squeezes his arm a little tighter, knowing what the place means to Eddie, and Eddie slips down, resting his head on Buck’s shoulder, and arm thrown across his chest.

“Did you guys… did Chris talk to you at all?”

“He did,” Buck says slowly, “but…”

“But…?” He can feel the tension in Buck’s arm around him. “Hey, I’m not gonna be upset.”

Buck blows out a puff of air, tickling the top of Eddie’s head. “I think… I mean I didn’t ask but I kind of think the conversation was just for us, you know?”

Eddie sits up and turns a little to face Buck. “Hey,” he says again, and Buck looks at him, uncertainty on his face. “Buck, that’s a good thing. That’s… I want that for you, for both of you. You’re…” He pauses, swallowing down a lump in his throat. “You’re his parent, Buck. Tell me you know that.”

He looks over to see tears shining along the bottom of Buck’s eyes. “I know,” he chokes out. “I… most days I know. When we’re at home, around our people, it’s solid and it’s good and I know. But here? This is your life, Eddie, your people, and I don’t know where I fit yet.”

Eddie reaches up to wipe away the tears from Buck’s eyes. “You fit with me,” he says. He cradles Buck’s face and kisses him gently. “ I know we already hashed it out some last night but I truly am sorry if I ever made it feel like you weren’t part of this family, me and Chris. I never meant to but…”

“I know,” Buck says, grabbing Eddie’s hand and twining their fingers together. “It was a little inevitable, though.”

“I’m sorry,” Eddie says again.

“I appreciate that,” Buck says, “but the way I see it you have nothing to apologize for. I said yesterday that I would always put Chris first, too. You did what you felt needed to be done, and I could have called it quits at any point but I didn’t.”

Eddie wants to pull away, put a little distance between them just for a moment, but Buck won’t let him. Never lets him. It’s a good thing, probably, even when it’s frustrating in the moment.

“Just because you forgive me or don’t think I was in the wrong doesn’t mean I didn’t actually do anything shitty. I could have treated you better, and I know you’re not angry, but you wouldn’t be in the wrong if you were.”

“Yeah,” Buck says. He lets go of Eddie’s hand in favor of slipping his arm around his waist instead, pulling Eddie close. “But I don’t want to be angry at you. Just like you don’t want to be angry at your parents anymore. What’s done is done, and we’re here now, and there’s nowhere else I’d rather be. Well, maybe not El Paso, but, you know.”

Eddie laughs and rests his head on Buck’s shoulder. “I do. And same. I love you a lot, you know that?”

Buck gives his side a squeeze. “I suspected it.” He kisses the top of Eddie’s head. “Love you, too.”

Some nights they fall asleep like this, face to face, tangled together, breathing the same air.

---

They have an early flight the next day, up and out of the hotel by 5:30 to drive themselves to Adriana’s, then have her drop them at the airport.

Maybe it’s the early hour, but Eddie’s more emotional than he expected as he hugs his sister goodbye in the departures lane.

“It was really nice having you here, Eddie,” she says, squeezing him tight.

He hugs back, tight as he can. “Thanks for making me come. I think it was a good thing.”

“Yeah?” she asks, pulling back. “Does this mean you’ll be around more often now?”

Eddie laughs. “I think we’ll have to work every holiday for the next two years after both of us taking Christmas, but I can probably figure out some other dates.”

“Good,” Adriana says, giving his arm one last squeeze. “And Buck,” she says, turning to him. “Don’t be a stranger, okay? You’re welcome anytime.”

Buck bends to hug her, looking genuinely touched. “Back at you,” he says. “Seriously. We’ve got a great guest room now.”

“I’ll hold you to that,” Adriana tells him.

She goes to Christopher next, and Eddie pulls Buck away to give them a private moment while they unload the luggage. There must be some kind of cool youngest aunt magic going on, he thinks, because Adriana manages to get two hugs out of him.

There’s an unexpected lump in Eddie’s throat as they say their last goodbyes and wave Adriana off. Whatever else this place is, or has been, it’s where he came from, and part of him will always be here. It used to feel like a burden, an unbreakable tether keeping him from ever fully being free. Now, it’s merely a fact, a truth about him like any other, and as he steps through the doors of the airport, he feels it settle in his bones.

He sleeps through most of the flight, wedged in the middle seat so Chris can look out the window and Buck can stretch his legs a little more in the aisle, and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

Maddie picks them up from the airport, and at Christopher’s insistence drives them through In-N-Out, because he may be well into his teenagehood now but Eddie is sure he’ll never stop being a master of the puppy dog eyes.

When they’re finally home, much as part of him wants to unpack and do laundry right away, Buck insists they take a nap instead. And Eddie’s a simple man, he’s never been able to turn down a nap with his boyfriend before and he’s not about to start.

They end up sleeping until dinner time, and with no food in the house, Christopher is once again triumphant in his suggestion of pizza.

“We’ll go grocery shopping tomorrow,” Buck says over his slice of pepperoni, hooking an ankle around Eddie’s under the table. “It’s been a while since we’ve had lasagna. Any other thoughts?”

“Just that I love you,” Eddie says.

Buck rolls his eyes. “I meant about dinners.”

“You know I’ll cook anything you eat,” Eddie tells him, just like he has a million times before.

“I know,” Buck replies, “but I still want to make things you’re excited about.”

“Hold that thought,” Eddie says, because it’s time. Their sleep schedule is probably fucked, even moreso than it usually is from their jobs, and their kid is locked away in his room playing video games, too cool for them again after so many days in their presence, and his hands are slightly greasy from the pizza, and it’s time.

He goes to their bedroom, digs an old shoe box out of the back of the closet, and pulls out the smaller box he hid in there months ago, shoving it into the pocket of his hoodie.

Buck is still at the table when Eddie gets back to the kitchen, suddenly jittery with excitement.

“I know we did most of the gift exchanges the other day but I have one more. Saved the best present for last.” He pulls out the box.

“Eddie,” Buck starts with a hint of a laugh in his voice, eyeing the box, “we already live together, I don’t need another key.”

Eddie gets down on one knee. “Not a key this time.”

“Oh my god.”

“I’ve had this for a while,” Eddie says, “and I wasn’t sure when I was gonna do this. But then–” he pauses, taking a steadying breath. “That night at the baseball field you told me about when you were younger, before I had the chance to know you, about how everyone wanted to have you around but no one wanted to keep you. And then I knew then, but then the whole trip… You kept driving for me when I was exhausted, and stepping in to talk with my family when I got frustrated, and you were there for Christopher just like you always are, and every moment I knew it even more: there is nothing that I want more in this world than to keep you forever, Evan Buckley. Will you marry me?”

Buck lets out a watery laugh to match the tears Eddie can see starting to cling to his bottom lashes. “Eddie, what the fuck. We’re eating pizza.” His voice sounds awed.

“So? Will you?”

“Do you even have to ask? Of course I’ll marry you.”

Eddie stands, pulling Buck up with him from the chair. They’re laughing as they kiss, tasting of tomato sauce and pepperoni and the olives from Eddie’s half of the pizza and love, so much love Eddie doesn’t know what to do with it all.

All too soon, Buck is pulling away. “Wait, but… Wait,” he says, and then he’s running out of the kitchen and back in almost before Eddie can react.

Once he’s back in front of Eddie, it’s his turn to get down on one knee.

“I bought this after you went back to Chicago in April,” he says, revealing his own little velvet box. “I’ve pulled it out so many times since then and I’ve thought about a million different ways of proposing to you because you deserve the best proposal ever, Eddie, b-but… None of the big, grand things ever felt right and I didn’t know why but I get it now. We don’t need all that, we just need each other, for the rest of our lives. Will you marry me?”

Eddie laughs, unable to contain all the joy and love he feels. “Of course, Buck. Of course I’ll marry you.”

Buck grins, huge and bright, and in one motion he’s standing and also picking Eddie up to swing him around, nearly knocking into the table and chairs.

“Careful!” Eddie says with another laugh. “And hey, put me down. We haven’t even exchanged the rings yet.”

“Oh, right!” Buck sets him down but doesn’t let him go, fumbling to take out the ring and put it on Eddie’s finger all while keeping one arm locked around Eddie’s waist.

“You’re ridiculous,” Eddie says, sliding his ring onto Buck’s finger in turn.

“Yeah,” Buck says, “and I’m all yours.”

“Hmm,” Eddie hums, kissing him, “I like the sound of that.”

Eddie doesn’t care how they fall asleep that night, only that he can feel the metal of their rings and the promise of forever.