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Death was a strange phenomenon. It was expected, yet no one truly anticipated it in the end. It was something you put in the back of your mind. Or maybe some people don't, and it haunts their every waking moment.
Marinette had heard of death. When her first pet, a goldfish, died from her accidentally overfeeding him, she was sad. She cried as all children do, and she, along with her parents, had a little funeral for her beloved pet. The next day, she was fine, and the world continued to spin just as it had before.
The concept of death was not new for her. Marinette had attended funerals for relatives she had never met and sat in the crowd as people shared their favorite moments with the dearly departed, but death was nothing more than just a stage in the cycle they lived.
Watching someone die in front of you was another thing, no matter how cruel they were. It was such a jarring experience. Marinette had seen and heard many things that left her frozen in complete shock or slack-jawed like Chloe trying to take all the miraculous as Miracle Queen or Lila staging an attack against her while recruiting Chloe’s help.
Or even when she discovered that Nathalie was Mayura and willingly helped Gabriel in his conquest until he went on a power trip.
Still, those were easier to come back from—no one died when it was all said and done (with the exception of Chloe’s pride and Lila’s reputation and credibility).
Finding out that her arch-nemesis and the biggest thorn in her side was her boyfriend’s controlling and abusive father was an unpleasant surprise for certain, but it was (somewhat) easier to stomach than the concept of death.
She had never meant for him to die. It was not her plan, and yet she stood alone after the battle was won. Hawkmoth wad no more, but at the price of his own life, stabbing Bug Noire in the back and seizing the miraculous of the ladybug and the black cat for his wish. Even when Marinette dropped to her knees and begged Gabriel to reconsider, he smiled and asked her never to reveal his awful secret to his son and spare him the pain of that knowledge.
Seeing how desperate Gabriel was to revive his wife, to disturb her eternal sleep, was concerning, knowing he would risk everything and everyone just to bring her back. On the one hand, the love he had for her was exceptionally beautiful, but it was equally horrific. In his quest to defy the rules of nature and bring back one person, he lost sight of the person who needed him most. He chased for so long that he failed to love his son and treasure the moments they shared.
Even if he could not bring back Emilie in the end and opted to save Nathalie’s life instead as one “final act of humanity,” it was still tragic. Marinette recalled how Gabriel and Emilie reunited, even if it was just for a moment, so full of love that was never shown to Adrien since his mother’s passing before the bright light enveloped them both, and they disappeared.
Marinette never allowed herself to take in the initial shock until things calmed down. She promised Alya that she was fine and could handle everything from there (even after filling her in about the new villain and how the new user had almost altered their universe). Only when she knew Tikki and her parents were sound asleep without the chance of them waking up did Marinette allow herself to mourn and weep.
She pressed the velvety, pink pillow to her face, letting tears trickle down her flushed face as she sobbed loudly and disgustingly, her throat tight with each gut-wrenching sob. Snot trickled down her nose, glossing her upper lip, and tremors wrecked through her body. It felt like the entire world was crashing down on her, slowly suffocating her. She never wanted this outcome; it was not the future she had hoped for.
In her dreams, Marinette imagined that she would successfully capture Monarch with the help of Chat Noir and the rest of their team, retrieve the butterfly and peacock miraculous, and let the authorities figure out a proper punishment for a terrorist. Perhaps it was wishful thinking; maybe she was foolish for hoping it would be so easy.
The guilt crushed her, curling in her chest, only growing and growing as she kept the secret to herself, spinning a false tale and revering Gabriel as a hero who valiantly sacrificed himself for the greater good. She struggled to breathe, collapsing near her sink, clutching her chest. She blamed herself for the tragic turn of events. If only she hadn’t been so trusting, so naive to think Gabriel would consider an alternative solution. She felt responsible for the mess they were in.
It was her fault that Adrien was without a father—she ruined his life, even if he hadn’t realized it. It was harder to be around her boyfriend, constantly nauseous and faking admiration for Gabriel when Adrien praised his father for his “heroic” deeds. Of course, it had been her fault that Adrien believed that life, but she knew the truth would crush him. No one ever wanted to hear that their parent, a person they love and cherish so dearly, was the source of their city’s agony and misery.
She should have tried harder—should have been more wary of Gabriel’s nature. It was so apparent that he was set in his way—given how he controlled Adrien’s schedule and every waking moment, never treating him as a son but more so an object, a piece of Emilie that he could never lose. Plagg and Tikki tried to warn her, saying she shouldn’t trust him so carelessly, but she did, and now, she would pay the price for her recklessness.
Negative emotions swirled in her chest, dark and brewing like a thunderstorm. She couldn't stop blaming herself and trying to come up with solutions to correct her mistakes. The idea of using the bunny miraculous, transforming into Chronobug, and going back in time to stop Gabriel was tempting, but Bunnix shut down the idea.
“It’ll create more issues. I know you want to change things, but we can’t risk it.”
She would have gladly taken the risk. If that meant Gabriel would still be alive, and Adrien still had a father, then she would have—
“Marinette?” Tikki sleepily said.
Marinette flinched. She rubbed her eyes, swallowing her cries and fixing her face. “Ah, I’m sorry, Tikki. I couldn’t sleep,” she lied, shakily standing up and running the cold water, wetting her face and closing her eyes. “I’ll come back to bed in a moment. I just… I need a second,” she whispered, her voice breaking as she tried so hard to keep herself together, not wanting to worry her best friend. “Go ahead and get comfortable. You don’t have to wait for me.”
The kwami frowned, floating beside her holder. “You’re not okay,” Tikki stated.
The “I’m fine” statement weighed heavy on Marinette's tongue. There was no point in lying to Tikki; she was all-knowing. Having interacted with humans for years and years with each new holder, Marinette could only assume that Tikki could notice all of her tells.
And knew when she was lying.
She choked on her cries, slapping a hand over her mouth. “I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t have turned my back to him,” Marinette sobbed. “I should have been more careful! If I hadn’t have been so stupid—”
Tikki frowned. “Marinette,” she said gently.
“—would still be alive! Adrien would still have a father!” Marinette wailed, collapsing to her knees and tugging her hair. She sobbed harder, her body trembling and shaking with each disgustingly wet cry that escaped her as snot dribbled down her nose and glossed her upper lip. She was a complete wreck, unable to pick herself off the floor as she continued to cry and cry. She tried to be mindful of her sleeping parents, but she couldn’t stop herself; everything was far too much for her.
The fate of the world rested in her hands. It was too big of a task to ask of one girl. Marinette wanted to trust Chat Noir, but with how he talked about his home life and the other tasks he had, she didn’t want to saddle him with more than he could handle. He had already been through enough.
(So had Marinette. She had seen things no child her age should ever have to witness, yet here she stood in the center of it all.)
When Tikki pressed her small head to Marinette’s cheek in a comforting manner, she sniffled and rubbed her eyes, trying to calm down. “I need to get some air,” she said, her voice and hands trembling as she slowly stood up. Even before peering into her small mirror, Marinette knew she looked like a wreck. She hadn’t washed her face in days, wore the same pajamas for the last few weeks, and her poor hair had lost its shine.
She looked like death.
Frowning, Marinette rubbed her face and transformed despite Tikki’s protests. She didn’t want to think about her life. She didn’t want to be reminded that she was living a lie, pretending to be an ordinary girl with a wonderful boyfriend and a fantastic group of friends. Marinette couldn’t keep pretending that she was a good person when it was her fault that Gabriel Agreste was dead and her boyfriend was without a mother and father.
Ladybug leaped onto the roof, swinging through the streets of Paris until she reached the Eiffel Tower. Finally, she allowed herself to drop, sinking to her knees and ignoring the violent, sharp pain that shot up her spine. The city seemed so peaceful, so wonderful, and magical from this sight.
She wished she could appreciate the scenery more, but that awful, familiar feeling of shame and guilt hung over her like a dark cloud. How could Ladybug enjoy such a view when her boyfriend had been mourning the loss of his father, listening to him fight back tears either on call or in person? Each time, her heart broke, and she tried her best to comfort him without revealing her secret.
God, she was an awful girlfriend.
“Is everything alright, Bugaboo?” came Chat Noir’s soft voice. She whipped her head around and felt her heart skip a beat. Despite everything that had happened—despite how she withheld information from him, Chat Noir still trusted and believed in her.
He was too good for her.
Ladybug sniffled and rubbed her eyes. “Just—losing the butterfly miraculous and never learning who wielded it—it’s a lot for me to take in right now,” she lied, rubbing her eyes and shakily rising to her feet. Joining Chat Noir on the edge, she avoided his gaze, just staring out into the city and ignoring the tight feeling in her chest.
It would be best to tell Chat Noir who Hawkmoth was, but she couldn’t. The words eluded her, and her mouth refused to move. Instead, she sat in silence, clasping her hands together and looking at the city.
Chat Noir leaned against her, reaching for Ladybug’s hand and squeezing gently. “If you want to talk about it, you know you can always talk to me,” he offered.
You’re too good for me , Ladybug thought, rubbing her wet eyes. Chat Noir always trusted her and always had faith that she would do the right thing, even when the odds were stacked against them. Even when she said nothing about the final battle and kept him in the dark, he was still there for her despite everything that actually happened.
“It’s about… it’s about Monarch and the final battle,” Ladybug whispered, never tearing her gaze from her lap.
Chat Noir’s ears pricked up. “Did something else happen?” he asked.
“I still feel guilty for everything that occurred,” she admitted. “Because of me, an innocent man lost his life, and I ruined a family. Not only that, but I failed to secure the butterfly miraculous, so Mr. Agreste died for nothing.”
There was a pause, an awkward silence as the wind blew past them. It still didn’t feel real—Gabriel Agreste being Monarch, the villain she swore to defeat when he first announced his attack on Paris. He had been under their noses the entire time, masquerading as a victim of an akuma attack, as an innocent citizen. She always knew that one day, their battle would come to an end, and one of them would emerge victorious. She always hoped that they would win, but not like this.
Ladybug never wanted him to die. She just wanted him to face the consequences of his actions and return the butterfly miraculous to the Miracle Box.
“It was a long and tough battle,” Chat Noir said softly, rubbing her shoulder. He held her close, comfortingly, and smiled at her. “You were all alone and did what you had to. You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.”
“But Mr. Agreste,” Ladybug pointed out. “He died, and now, his son… I ruined that poor boy’s life.” Chat Noir squeezed her tight, pressing her forehead against his shoulder. Like this, she could smell his soap, and Ladybug sighed, closing her eyes and wrapping her arm around his side. She felt a bit calmer, relaxing in his touch.
He smiled, stroking the back of Ladybug’s head. “I’m sure one day, his son will understand. I can’t say how he feels now, but we both know it was out of your control,” Chat Noir said reassuringly. He lifted her head and stroked her flushed freckled cheek. “Please give yourself some grace. You’re doing the best you can.”
How she wished to tell Chat Noir the truth and lay everything before him, but she decided against it. Instead, she nodded stiffly and rubbed her wet eyes, deciding to spare Chat Noir from the awful truth. “You’re too good for me, Kitty,” Ladybug murmured, closing her eyes and leaning into his touch.
They sat on the Eifel Tower for what felt like forever. Ladybug would occasionally look up at Chat Noir, study his facial features, and try to pick him apart. Despite having known each other for months, she still knew nothing about him (and it was for the best). All she knew was that his home life was difficult, and he and his father didn’t see eye-to-eye on certain things.
It felt selfish to drop the truth in his lap, especially when Chat Noir told her he had gone through something tragic recently and needed time to process everything.
For now, she would spare him from the harsh reality and keep it a secret. Ladybug wouldn’t let anyone find out that Gabriel Agreste was Hawknoth. Even though it would be the right thing to inform her partner, she didn’t have the heart to tell him. Not only that, but she would put Adrien in danger.
Should anyone find out, they would turn their sights on Adrien and assume he was an accomplice. He would become a target, and Ladybug couldn’t always be around to protect him from angry citizens and friends.
Ladybug would take Gabriel’s secret to the graveyard and spare everyone from the truth.