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“I really don’t understand why you’ve brought me here, Kara,” Lena sighs. “I’m doing fine.”
Kara doesn’t even need to reply, she just wordlessly drops her gaze to Lena’s chest where Lena’s heart is thrumming anxiously against her ribcage. Kara’s brows furrow in concern, in the same way they do whenever she finds Lena at home drowning her sorrows in glasses of wine – which, as of recently, might have been happening more often. But Lena has it under control. And she most certainly doesn’t need to join a support group for it.
“I think this could be good for you,” Kara encourages her and intertwines their fingers, which instantly wipes the scowl off Lena’s face. “I’ve been here before and it greatly helped me. And it’s confidential. You don’t have to worry about word getting out.”
Lena’s eyebrows raise in surprise, but before she can ask Kara what she has been doing at a support group for alcoholics, they step through a grey-painted door into a sunlit room. The question dies in Lena’s throat when she reads the big poster attached to the wall: Grief Support Group.
Kara squeezes Lena’s hand reassuringly and whispers, “I’ll get us some tea. Can you find us seats?”
Lena nods on autopilot and takes a few deep breaths to calm the sea of emotions raging in her chest. She understands now why Kara hadn’t been upfront about where they were headed earlier. Because Lena would have never said yes to this. She needed to be here even less than where she thought Kara was taking her to.
Lena hadn’t really lost someone. More so, Lex and Lillian being gone had finally freed her of everything she so desperately tried to escape from, all those years. Rejecting the Luthor name, making up for her family's crimes with good deeds, fighting injustice with Kara and the Superfriends – Lena had done everything in her power to prove herself good, to prove she was more than just a Luthor. And now she was the only Luthor left, and the Luthor name was hers alone to rebrand into a symbol of good. She never had to worry about Lillian’s or Lex's scheming again. No, for the first time in forever, she could focus on herself and just be.
And that was a good thing, splendid even. So why did Kara bring her here?
Lena looks to the exit where two young women step through and wonders how upset Kara would be with her if she just were to leave. But then, a middle-aged woman with short blonde hair approaches her and tells her to take a seat because the session is about to start.
Lena nods politely and chooses the last free chairs next to each other. Hopefully, the sitting wouldn’t last too long and Lena could just listen in without sharing.
Kara joins her only a moment later and hands Lena a steaming coffee mug that reads: Physics puns are no jokes. They’re a relatively dark matter.
“Really?” Lena asks, raising her eyebrow at Kara. But her girlfriend just grins and turns her own mug so Lena can read what’s written on it. Bad puns. That’s how eye roll.
Lena can’t help but laugh at that, which earns her a warm smile from Kara.
Someone clearing their throat draws Lena’s attention to her right and the same woman who had been telling her to take a seat a minute ago announces, “I believe everyone is here now. So let’s start, shall we?”
She introduces herself as Shary, the founder of the support group, and welcomes everyone to today's meeting. Then, her eyes focus on Lena.
Oh no.
“We’re having a new face among us today. Would you be so kind as to introduce yourself?” she asks Lena.
There goes her plan of just sitting this through.
Lena sits up straighter before she plasters on her boardroom persona. “Hello everyone, I am Lena. I’m 28 years old and I work in business management,” she says, with a polite smile. In the surprised faces of most other participants, she can see that they already know her from the news. The same probably goes for Kara.
Lena distracts herself by sipping from her tea, which Kara had slightly cooled down with some freeze breath for her.
Once the attention moves on to other people, Lena slightly relaxes again. She seeks out Kara’s hand which immediately wraps around hers when she reaches it, and squeezes gently.
The session progresses with attendants sharing their thoughts and pain and situations that have reminded them of the loved ones they'd lost. Lena feels with them, nodding along to the encouraging and kind words other people share with them in return. But Lena doesn’t feel what she supposes Kara’s aim was – that she can relate to the people here, that she can be understood.
These people seemed to have truly loved the ones they’ve lost but Lena doesn’t even know how she feels about Lillian or Lex. Yes, she had always craved their attention and care as a child. And yes, she had loved the idea of them as her family. But had she really loved them?
Now that Lena knows real love with Kara, and has her own makeshift family with her, and Alex, Kelly and Esme, and Nia and Brainy, and even J’onn, she’s not so sure anymore if what she felt for them could even have been called love.
They certainly hadn’t loved her. Lena doubts Lex had even been capable of that after he had spiraled into a fanatic, obsessed with hurting aliens. And Lillian, well, she had weaponized Lena’s craving for her love and approval against her over and over again. It was a weakness that Lena is almost certain Lillian didn’t share. At least not regarding Lena.
Lena is rattled out of her thoughts when Kara clears her throat next to her and says, “I’ve lost a lot of people over the years. Recently my adoptive father, who made me feel welcome and safe when I first came to Earth as a kid who didn’t speak the language and suddenly had superpowers.” Lena squeezes Kara’s hand to comfort her, eyes taking in Kara’s sorrowful face. It sends daggers through Lena’s heart to see Kara so sad.
“He gave up so much to keep me safe,” Kara goes on, “but later on he lost his way – and while he had always been kind to me, he started hurting other people who were just like me. He always argued it was to protect me and my sister, but after a while, I stopped believing him,” Kara remembers. She sighs quietly before she confesses, “Still, when he died – even though I knew the person he had become – I was devastated. Even though I am supposed to be a hero who stands for good, I still loved him and grieved him despite all the harm he had inflicted on others.”
Kara frowns before she looks up to face the other attendants once more, “I don’t know what that says about me.”
Lena immediately wants to reassure her. Kara had lost a father figure, no matter what he did. How could she even question if that made her anything less?
But Shary beats her to it, “Thank you for sharing, Kara. I think the only thing this says about you is that you have a kind and caring heart. There’s nothing wrong with loving someone even if they did harmful things to others. You’ve known him as a kind man and you’re allowed to mourn the person he was with you.”
“You don’t get to choose your parents,” another attendant agrees, a man with short brown hair and countless freckles dotting his face. “Of course, you’ll love them. You depend on them as a kid – like you don’t even have a choice other than to love them, really.”
Lena's throat closes up while she is nodding along to their input. She can't help but see the parallels to her own situation despite Kara's being so very different. Lena had never known Lex or Lillian to be truly kind to her as she imagines Jeremiah had been to Kara. But that doesn't matter, does it?
Lena draws in a shaky breath before she adds, “Everyone is flawed to some degree.” Her mind starts racing as she realizes, “Grieving someone is not so much about them that it is about you. You’re the one who was left behind. You have to deal with the feelings you held for them that now don’t have a place to go to anymore.” She takes a deep breath before she concludes, “It doesn’t matter what they did or who they were – what matters is that you find a way to deal with how you feel about their absence.”
“I think so too,” Kara whispers. Her eyes shine with unshed tears but her mouth is curved into a slight smile and she squeezes Lena’s hand gently. She’s proud of her, Lena realizes.
The heaviness in her chest overtakes Lena then, and tears start spilling from her eyes. But she doesn’t push it away this time. It’s allowed to be there. She’s allowed to grieve them.