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“I knew it was a bad idea in the moment. That I was being selfish, that I hadn’t finished doing the work to fix what I had broke. I just couldn’t help myself,” Tim looks down letting out a breath.
“This is said with love. But you’re using a lot of ‘I felt this’, ‘I did that’. But Lucy was a willing participant, yes?” The therapist looks over at him.
“Of course.” Tim nods.
“Then why are you taking away her agency? If this was a mistake, then it’s one you made together.”
Tim sits there and lets her words register. It’s one you made together. He knows she’s right, he just hopes Lucy sees it the way too.
He’s trying. Both attending therapy and a veterans support group. He wants to be the man his father never was and he wants to be the man that Lucy deserves.
It’s hard. He’s so used to keeping everything inside and letting it all bottle up. It took some time but now he enjoys sharing and letting things out. He always leaves feeling a little lighter than he walked into it feeling, even on the hard days.
Tim was about to drive home when he decided to make a detour. He knew he needed to talk to Lucy and he didn’t want to wait any longer.
Pulling up to her apartment, he immediately started to overthink. What if she wasn’t home? What if she didn’t want to see him? What if she didn’t feel the same way?
But then, the therapists words replayed over and over again in his head,
If this was a mistake, then it’s one you made together.
Lucy was there and seemed more than willing. He gave her many opportunities to stop what was about to happen, but she didn’t.
Before he could get in his head even further, he turned his truck off before making his way inside. He rounded the corner to take the stairs, like he had done so many times before.
Walking up to her door, he was about to knock but then remembered Celina lives here now. What if she answered the door?
Shaking his head, he knocked anyways. It only took a few seconds for the door to open to, thankfully, reveal Lucy on the other side.
“Hey, what are you doing here? Are you okay?” She asks, concern growing on her face.
“Hey. Can we talk?” He first looks at her and then down at his shoes, waiting for her answer.
“Umm sure. Celina’s home though.” She turns her head to the girls bedroom door that’s shut.
“I got an idea. Grab your shoes and maybe a sweater,” Lucy just nods before disappearing into her room.
Tim takes a small step into the apartment while he waits for her. Things look so different… yet so the same. He hasn’t been back here since everything blew up.
“Celina and I decided to redecorate a little,” Lucy comes out of her room and notices he’s looking around.
“You ready to go?” She again gives him a nod before walking towards him and the door.
“So are you going to tell me where you’re taking me?” Lucy asks him once they’re in the truck and he starts driving.
“Nope, but you’ll see soon enough,” he smirks.
“You know, you could get a lot of time for kidnapping a cop,” she jokes.
He just rolls his eyes but can’t resist laughing. He missed this. Missed joking around with her so freely. They were definitely getting better, and he hopes what he’s about to tell her will only help.
After about 15 minutes, Tim pulls into a parking lot near the beach. Lucy looks at him, confused.
“You hate the beach?” She asks as a question but more of a statement.
“I do. But it’s something I do after a therapy appointment that gets me kind of in my head. I just sit in the bed of my truck, watch the waves and occasionally people watch, too.”
Before Lucy can even say anything, Tim is getting out of the truck. Lucy does the same and by the time she’s at the back of the truck, he already has the bed down and is putting a blanket down to sit.
Once it’s ready, he signals for her to get up. She pushes herself up and gets comfortable while he does the same.
They sit there for a few minutes just admiring the view. Both had so much they wanted to say but neither knew where to start.
“I got some pretty good advice today.” Tim finally says breaking the silence.
“What’s that?”
“For the last week, I’ve been holding all of this weight on my shoulders. I feel like the hookup was all my fault and that I hadn’t finished fixing what I broke before I rushed you back into bed.” Tim can’t make eye contact with Lucy so instead he stares forward.
“Tim, it took two of us to allow that to happen.” She can’t look at him either.
“I know, and that’s what she reminded me of. That it’s one we made together,” Tim sighs before continuing. “Lucy, I know I haven’t made things easy on you at all. But I want you to know I don’t regret anything. When I said that, I meant it.”
“I meant it, too.” She says quietly.
“Look, I’ve had so much to say to you for so long but I’ve been hesitant. Hesitant because I’ve wanted to go at your pace but I don’t want to wait anymore. And I understand if you’re not ready to talk yet, but I am. And I’ll be here whenever you’re ready for that.”
He notices her hand is resting on the blanket in between them. He places his down next to her and uses his pinky to gently rub her hand before setting it down next to hers. He’s surprised when she places her hand on top of his and waits for him to grab ahold.
“I’m scared Tim,” she admits.
“I know. And I can’t blame you. I’m scared too. Scared I’m going to mess this up again.”
“How can I know you won’t?” She finally looks at him.
“I’m working harder than I ever have before Luce. I’m attending both therapy and a support group for veterans. I’ve worked through a lot but still have so much up there.”
“I’m proud of you,” she squeezes his hand.
“Thank you. Lucy, I want to tell you something that I probably should’ve told you from the beginning. I never have, and never will stop loving you. It was never about that, or never about you. You were more than I ever deserved while we were together and then I just ended it just like that. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I never talked to you about anything.”
“I appreciate hearing that. I spent so much time after the breakup questioning everything. I really thought it was partly because you didn’t love me anymore. I thought what we had was so good. I thought it was everything.” Tim isn’t looking at her but he swears he sees a tear escape her eyes.
“It was everything. You were and still are everything, Lucy Chen. I walked away because of me, not because of you. I knew you’d help me through it all and I don’t know why I was so afraid of you seeing me that way.”
“What way?”
“So broken, so not himself. I wasn’t the guy that you fell in love with anymore. I wasn’t the guy that you shared all those amazing date nights with. I wasn’t the guy who you’d go to whenever you needed anything.”
“Are you that guy again now?”
“I’m trying to be. I really am.”
“That’s good enough for me,” Lucy looks over at him. When he turns his head towards her, she has a weak smile on her face.
“I promise Luce, if you give me another chance I’m not going to walk away when things get hard. I might not always be perfect, but I’ll do anything and everything to make you feel loved and supported.”
“I don’t need perfect, Tim. I just need you.”
“Come here,” he lets her hand go before opening his arms. She easily falls into them and he holds her tight.
After a few minutes, they finally pulled apart and Lucy spoke up,
“Thank you for taking me here and telling me everything. We’re going to be okay Tim. I just know it.”
“Thanks for letting me take you here. It used to be my spot but now I think it’s safe to say, it’s our spot.” He reaches over to tuck a piece of hair that had fallen out of her hair clip behind her ear before kissing her forehead.
“Our spot. I like the sound of that,” she grins.
He helps her down before they both get back into the truck and make their way home. Tim took a chance but he got his reward.