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🤍🤍🤍🤍
You’re jealous.
You’re jealous of how he sees you.
How come he never grew tired of you? How come he still wants to be your friend? It’s hard to be around you. And you warned him many times. And he would still wait.
„You're soaked! Hang on,“ he would still outside for you to ruin his day. „Here. You need it more.“ He would give you his hoodie, so you don’t get cold.
He would draw smiley faces on your bandages to make you smile too. He would drive you to your campus and even hand you your favorite pancakes with chocolate chips. He would turn off the lights for your headache and sensory issues. He would say good morning and good night, even text you that, whenever one of you were gone. Inari would do everything for you.
And it was annoying.
Because how can you repay him? How can you repay years of friendship? You fuck up everything you touch. You mess up your own work. You fail to remember even the simplest things. You run late. You are nothing but a trainwreck.
How can you just sit there and watch him do his radio show? In his bean bag. In his studio. With his work. And his trust.
Awful. Ungrateful.
„And after a break, we will be back with gossip hall! Stay tuned and enjoy this song to begin your late night work. Whether it is to relax or to finish your task.“
Everything is against you. Your life is against you. Are you even happy?
„Hey… Are you okay?“ with a sharp gasp, you finally look into his worried gaze. „Do you wanna go to bed?“ Ah shit. You shook your head, lowering your head back down, but he took Your hands made you look. Then stood up with him. „Hey. Talk to me.“
But there is nothing to talk about.
Isn’t it obvious?
„If you don’t wanna, that’s fine.“ He gently smiles, helping you up and guiding you to his bed. Hit by its softness, you close your eyes, enjoying a long second of peace. You open them again to see his smile at you. Caught by you, he quickly averts his eyes and clears his throat. Whatever it was he wanted to say, his words tied up his tongue. But would it matter, if even his presence filled in the empty void?
It was so unfair.
„But I really would like to know what’s going on. I want to help you.“ His hand reached out to rest on your shoulder. A simple kind act makes you tear up. All of your bottled-up frustration has reached its limit. Your brain was full of ugly scenarios, heartbreaks, and abandonment. You bite your lip, and dive your nails into your knees, hair falling on your face to cover up your emotional slip-up.
You see him softly gasp and open his arms for you.
It felt so selfish in that moment. You wanted to leave, to push him away, to yell at him: „How dare you like me?“
But you didn’t have the heart to hurt him. You could hate him, but never hurt him.
You followed with falling into his arms, Imari softly humming and holding you close, caressing your back and his chin resting on your hair. „It’s okay. I’m here for you. Whatever it is, I’m here. You’re not alone, okay? You’re here with me. You’re real. And you’re in this bedroom slash studio with me. The green led lights are real. The noise of my equipment is real. And our hug is real too.“
He knew you too well.
Only hours later, in the late night, you were able to process your thoughts with much cleaner head. You were still upset, but the frustration was resting like a monster under your bed. It was only a matter of time before it would reach out for you again. Before you’ll cry the tears soaked in his hoodie.
This cycle needs to break. Now.
You left your bedroom. Drink some water to prepare your throat. Knock on his door. You hear shuffling, then a tap a tap tap…
„Figured it’s you,“ he softly smiles, „wanna come in?“
You were back at the scene of a crime, back sitting on his bed. This time, you get as close as possible. Your knees and shoulders touching, hugging him tight, resting your face on his neck, your breath tickling him and making him giggle. He followed you with his arms around you as well and then to cuddling, your head on his chest, as he played with your hair.
Why can’t you be normal around him?
You’ll probably never get that answer.
You gently lift your head up, his movements stopping. You stare into each other’s eyes, the dim led lights captivating exactly how you see him now: right here, right now, but so unreachable.
„I wanna tell you something,“ you both say at the same time. You let out a chuckle. „You go first,“ he whispers, his eyes sparkling, pupils widening as he sees something he wants the most and it’s right here.
But as you begin, his heart shatters quietly, a small crack after another, yet still holding together. You don’t mean to hate him. You don’t want to hate what he does for you. But you can’t understand why. You can’t understand why he is so nice to you, why can't he let go of you? He has so many options, much better than you. Why does he let himself suffer around an idiot like you? And if you hate him so much, why do you keep coming back to him?
You confess all of your sins. All of those unsaid struggles were replaced by emptiness. It didn’t feel good to say that you hate a guy, who you…
Imari stares at you, processing the information. But he doesn’t let go. He doesn’t push you away. He looks away, but only a second.
„Yeah, I get that. I mean, I can’t deny that I might not understand, but… what I’m trying to say is that I know, that… it’s really difficult to vocalize how you must've felt. And I realize for how brave you are for doing so. And I’m not saying that to sugarcoat it. I find it hard to speak words myself right now, haha… but, I’m genuinely glad that you told me. I don’t wanna treat you like you’re a glass or that I’m doing it out of pity. I mean all the kind words and acts I do for us. All the hangouts, the compliments, the fun teasing. But if you want me to slow down, I won’t fight that. You’re the world to me. But sometimes, I forget that to this world, you’re just a person. Sorry.“
A weight has been put off of your shoulders. You still felt guilt, but that soon will feel lighter, until it completely leaves you. But it will take time. And you apologize to him as well. Now you both can be equal. He giggles and offers you another cuddle. As you rest, you bring out the question:
„You wanted to tell me something. What was it?“
He shook his head and brushed your hair with his fingers.
„That's for another time. And I promise, it’s nothing bad. You don’t have to worry about it. It can wait until the morning.“ And you agreed.
When the sun rises, you ask him again.
He claims to have forgotten about it.
The one thing you don’t know is that this is the only time he lied to you.
💚🤍🤍🤍