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The wind slowly rustles through the last leaves of the trees in the small park next to the town square. She looks as Caroline walks her way, pulling her blue blazer tighter around her shoulders; Jodi can hear her youngest looking for bugs with his dad under the trees, behind her. It’s a rather warm day, the last one of those, as winter is just around the corner. Just a few days, now, until the wildman and the Wizard will close off the garden in front of the Community Center for the Spirits’ Eve. Everything looks so bright…
“Hello! How are you?” Even Caroline is brighter than usual. If that’s even possible.
But that’s good.
“Hi! I’m fine, you? Any news?”
“Yes, actually! You know that tea sapling I was talking to you about? The one the farmer got me from the islands? It apparently caught on, it’s starting to grow new roots, and it’s flourishing as if it’s just at home in the greenhouse!”
“Oh, it sounds so good! I wonder, what flavour will it have? What kind of little monkeys will jump out of it this time?” Jodi giggles, already throwing Caroline a “sorry” look. The other woman is slightly annoyed, but only Jodi could tell.
“Actually, it may turn into the most amazing black tea, it already has a slightly nutty aroma that will come out beautifully when dried. I think you’d like it a lot!”
“Oh, if the island tea is that special, I absolutely have to get there! I have to find all the infusable plants in the Gingers, we may just find the perfect flavour you’ve been searching for all this time!”
The two women share a real laugh: a hearty laugh, racing the breeze through the warm afternoon. From across the square, Evelyn throws them a smile, before returning to tending the last fall flowers in the garden pots. Caroline stops, but Jodi continues- just a bit too long…
“Oh, right, speaking of, how is your garden? Do you have any more pumpkins left from the Fair?”
“No, not a single one. I could use one, though, I could certainly try to get closer to that girl. She’s been avoiding me lately, but at least she’s outside…”
Caroline stops, getting lost in her thoughts for a moment. Just a moment, though, because she continues:
“Oh, let me tell you, before I forget: this morning, before we even opened, at 8:50, in the style of Gus, the farmer barges in with a giant bag, full of vegetables. Pumpkins, eggplants, broccoli, the whole deal. Apparently, he had a fight with Lewis, and now he refuses to sell anything he produces through him. He came straight to Pierre, dirty hands and all.”
“And what did you do with all of these? Where is Pierre gonna store them, in the side display? You just brought new supplies yesterday!”
“Oh, I know ! I tried to tell him, “don’t get them” , but noo, he had to think only about the profit, like with the quality veggies story last week. Now, the old batch of eggplants is getting squished under all the new merchandise. Sure, if the farmer sold 10, 20, 50 vegetables, it would have been fine, but the farmer left our store this morning with thirty thousand gold ! Of course there wasn’t a single bag of produce, don’t even imagine that, he sold us six !”
“So I suppose you know what to cook tonight, no? Something vegetable heavy, A ratatouille? And soup? And aaaa…nother kind of stew?” Jodi pats Caroline’s shoulder, jokingly consoling her.
“Well, the fridge is full of bok choy and amaranth. I guess I’ll have to deal with those first, to prepare space for the old eggplants, they are going to turn bad in a couple days… Also, the farmer promised us he will come tomorrow with a week’s worth of cheese, and eggs, and milk, and Yoba knows what else… So, I was thinking, super meal? I mean, of course, I’ll make a pot of vegetable medley, I know you love it, but the other picky eaters in my house swore they’d die if they had another veggie soup for dinner this fall, hahah!”
“Oh, you shouldn’t, really. I’m gonna come by, though, and help with those eggplants.”
Jodi and Caroline share knowing looks; Caroline gave her another eggplant parmesan recipe just this month, another one of her friend’s favorites, and she's been waiting to try it out.
“How are the sore muscles, are you better than yesterday?”
“Oh, yes , fortunately! It was such a stupid move on my part to try to do the same advanced choreography as Emily. This girl has so much energy, it’s incredible! Well, I couldn’t believe otherwise that she can actually dance in her free time, come to the aerobics class, and walk, how much did she say, 2 to 3 miles every evening around the Saloon, to the kitchen, to the bar, to the kitchen again.”
“Eh, it was to be expected, I’d even say she’s the most active out of all of us. I really believe she walks around more than Robin, or even Marnie!” Jodi cracks a mischievous smile, like her teenage self sharing a spicy new piece of gossip. “I wonder how often she changes her batteries, it seems like she’s even more lively than in highschool, it’s totally unbelievable!”
Caroline laughs from the bottom of her heart- the most contagious laugh Jodi has ever heard, a laugh she would give anything to hear, at times. “Yeaah, she is the only one the classes are truly helping, just seeing her gets me so determined to finish the workout no matter how tired I am!”
“Soooo, I could say that any attempt to follow after her is a true act of courage, haha! The truth is she has her moments too, apparently Gus sometimes sends her home before Kent even leaves the bar, that’s how bad she gets… I think she’s actually pushing herself until she falls to the ground, but she wouldn’t show it for anything in the world…”
“Oof, we know other people who were doing the same at her age…”
Caroline looks at Jodi, and the other woman’s smile drops a little. She is still smiling, in a way, but only with her mouth; only a few people can recognize this look on her. And Caroline is one of them.
“How are you, Jodi? How are you really?”
Jodi doesn’t say anything, but she keeps that sad smile, so out of place on her face it’s shocking. Caroline comes closer, and takes her hands in her own.
“Talk to me, Jodi. I’ve been noticing you these days. During aerobics, you refused to take any breaks, and this time you weren’t able to put your jacket on after all of that – yet you didn’t change your demeanor during the whole thing at all. You kept this smile you still have on, as you almost cry. Yesterday, you spent half an hour in front of the artichokes, staring them down to the point even poor Harvey noticed something was wrong; you took the first ones next to your hand, even though some were more fresh and healthy looking. You're not here, again. Jodi, talk to me.”
Jodi softly caresses her friend’s knuckles, and she starts to talk, voice shaking like leaves in the air.
“I don't know, it’s… I think it’s Kent. I can’t explain it: he’s the same Kent, he talks to me the same way, he’s as attentive to the boys as always. He loves us the same. But… it’s not the same Kent. And it’s not about that deep, existential uneasiness, no, I knew about that before he came back home, he wrote, it’s not that.”
“Or…” She continues after a long pause. “Or it’s the other way around: Kent never found the same Jodi he had left at home…”
Caroline looks at her with the deepest kindness and care humanly possible, just how Kent was looking at her back then, in the beginning. Well, he still looks at her like that, or at least tries, but… it’s just not the same. They both have changed. Her, as it seems, even more than him, bless his poor soul.
“Yes, we’re both other people. That’s it, that’s my problem… right?”
How could Pierre ever have behaved to his wife like a pig, when Caroline can radiate so much love and goodness? She squeezes the other woman’s hands, who could just burst out in tears right then and there.
Hold it, Jodi.
“Jodi, I’m sure it will all work out. Kent is a good man, and he’s trying his best for you and the boys. You, Jodi, you’re still the same good woman that first came to this valley. I am sure, no, I predict you will be able to find that balance again. He loves you, Jodi, otherwise you’d see it, trust me…”
If she wanted to think deeper about the reasons her life seems to be happening in another place, away from her, forgetting poor Jodi here, in this limbo of just existing, then she’d realize the reason is standing right before her, letting her run her fingers over her knuckles. It’s not fair to think she lost her youth in vain, no, she’s built so many beautiful things. She loves her boys, all three of them, and – she thinks – they all love her, right? But, Yoba forgive her, when she sees those green eyes, when she hears that contagious laugh, when she sees the way she moves, like a ribbon of smoke, of sweet incense smoke, inside an empty room, when Caroline offers her one of her shining smiles and calls her “sweetie”, oh, Yoba, she regrets so much wasting so many hours until meeting her. Every second away, spent not knowing this wonderful being, was a wasted second.
Jodi could try and remember the time she first arrived in the valley. Going around, feeling incredibly anxious about having to relearn how to live in a small city, about her husband’s imminent leave, about her future as a single mom of two- an 11yo and a newborn - for an indefinite amount of time, she tried her best to make a good impression. Sure, everyone was sweet to her, but nobody made her feel as welcome as the nice lady living across the square from her.
“Hello! You must be Jodi, the one moving in, in the Willards’ old place. I'm Caroline. My husband runs the general store here; if you ever need anything, we are the people you should look for. I saw you had a son, he has to meet my daughter, Abigail; she’s around the same age as him, she's the one with chestnut hair playing outside, by the Community Center. Oh, sorry for being so overwhelming, please, come in! May I offer you a cup of tea?”
And then Kent came back; it was truly perfect for a while, he was fine, the boys were happy, and Caroline… Well, Caroline became even more of a part of what home was to her now.
There were nights when, hearing the most horrible news from the front lines, she came to her friend’s door. Each time, she answered, no matter the late hour, taking her in her gorgeous sunroom; underneath the light of the moon, Caroline gave her a hot cup of tea, and she calmed her friend talking sweet and comfortable nothings to her, discussing everything around the sun, or laughing, or crying… And only Yoba knows how much she cried on those fancy garden chairs – only Yoba and Caroline…
She felt conflicted for a while about everything, but it was all too much, she never even had time to address anything. It just started gnawing at her, all the guilt for her husband, away, and for the kids, here, and for her friend, and for Yoba, and oh sweet vine of the world, it was all too much!
She could reminisce about those cold winter days. When Kent was missing, when no money was coming in, when both she and Sam took part-time jobs to keep afloat, to pay for the boy’s train tickets to go to school. When everything was so wrong, and when they barely even had the means to live on. During those days, all three of them, Jodi, Vincent and Sam, spent all their free daylight inside the crumbling Community Center, not yet abandoned – barely standing – but still warmer than their house. Spilling less with grief. Caroline, alongside Abby, Sebastian, and Robin when she wasn’t busy, came and kept them company, without making Jodi feel bad about her situation, just to give Lewis a reason to keep the roaring fire in the fireplace in the main room. They have tried to help her, but she wouldn’t bring herself to take their money. It was Robin’s first year with absolutely no work, Caroline wasn’t doing well either, no one had enough for themselves, really. Oh, Yoba, it was a dark time for everyone, everyone was struggling.
Or, about her veggie soup and how Caroline drove away her disdain for eggplants, loving them now, or about their picnics, with the kids, in the forest, or…
No. Jodi doesn’t want to think about any of these things. She doesn’t want to keep feeling guilty for what she has become, about how she came to be the very thing her faith stands against, only for then to regret not being able to feel her feelings for herself. She tried to fight it, all of it; she failed. Every time. She doesn’t want to disappoint Kent, who really did so much for them, who was willing to give his life for them. She doesn’t want to make the boys hate her, to make them feel like she regrets having them – she doesn’t, just during her lowest moments… And she doesn’t want to push Caroline away, to make her uncomfortable and lose her forever, like she never was in her life in the first place. One wrong move, and she’ll shoo away every single person in her life, all at once.
Jodi ignores that hot, though knot in her chest, and looks at Caroline and her smile, radiating of safety; she decides to return it. She can't risk losing it.
Caroline is right, even though she doesn't fully know what she's talking about. She can go through it.
“Thank you. You really eased me a lot.”
“I hope you are right”, she continues, after steadying her breath. “Anyway, what was that about, knowing what not being lo– is everything right with Pierre?!”
It isn’t Pierre, it’s Abigail. Jodi nods as Caroline starts rambling about her daughter’s new mistake. In all truthfulness, Abigail turns more Caroline day after day, as wild as smoke and as kind as the light, but her mother stopped seeing that a long time ago. Maybe she still sees in her daughter the kid who sat on the bloody bed to read about those wild monster stories she had always been afraid Abigail would find, somehow, in spite of all the things she did to stop this from happening. Maybe she doesn’t want to accept this is who she also is; but Jodi couldn’t believe it, how could she not love her own love for– no. She stops herself from… thinking. She almost cracks a bittersweet smile, hearing how Abigail pulled another “irresponsible” all-nighter for her online uni classes, choosing not to remind Caroline how many white nights she spent doing inventories she was supposed to do days prior.
This is the way it should be. Jodi is Caroline’s best friend, she can trust her with anything. In turn, Caroline is her best friend, her confidante, her strongest support through everything that was and announces itself to be. And Jodi must be strong. Times have changed, and are about to change again. Kent has been through Void and back, and they all must help him grow roots again; Sam is a man now, and is about to start out his life for good - a beginning she won’t, but shouldn’t, have again. Things are looking bright. She has no reason for not being happy, right?
Things are looking bright.
Like Caroline’s smile.
No.
Things are looking bright.
Things are just looking bright.