Work Text:
Thanks for the Dance
It was easy to find him.
Too easy.
Of course, Sebastian resided in Feldcroft for the day. It was the day of Anne’s death, after all. From what his sources provided, Sebastian returned to Feldcroft once a year, always on the same date, always in the shadow of the night and always left before the dawn of the next morning.
It was stupidly incautious, and it made Ominis wonder whether Sebastian had any sense of what fate would await him one day.
He must have, he just had to. He couldn’t possibly be that much of a careless idiot, following such an easily discernable pattern, even if it was only once a year.
Maybe Ominis just wanted him to feel what was coming, what was about to happen – that Ominis was about to happen. He never wanted to be sent on this mission, he had protested quite loudly, but to no avail. His superior had made it abundantly clear that he was to take on this mission.
“You WILL accept this task, Mr. Gaunt, and you WILL capture Sallow, dead or alive! He is far too dangerous to be left running around! There will be consequences if you fail!” his superior had said.
Pathetic, Ominis had thought, and still did at this very moment. Sebastian had somehow managed to escape from Azkaban, and the Daily Prophet had launched itself on the headlines of a killer being on the run immediately. A series of murders across the country that had been going on for the past few years only fueled the fiery rage of society. Ominis did not believe that the murders were the results of Sebastian’s works, or maybe he didn’t want to believe it. Whether Sebastian was actually behind them or not, he was a suitable scapegoat, a culprit so easily found to appease the public.
Rationally, Ominis knew that Sebastian could be dangerous, he had witnessed his first murder after all, but emotionally, Ominis liked to believe that Sebastian would act different to him. It was nothing but a mere idealized wish though.
Ominis hesitated as he approached the long abandoned Sallow home in Feldcroft. He didn’t want to do this. Every possible outcome of this scenario was a disaster. Either he would capture Sebastian which would result in him being brought back to Azkaban, or he would have to kill Sebastian. He doubted that the boy he once loved would willingly surrender and follow him back to a sentence of a life in literal hell on earth. Ominis did not want any outcome to be fulfilled, he didn’t want to bring Sebastian back to Azkaban, he didn’t want a fight to break out, and he didn’t want to kill him.
Maybe Sebastian would be quicker, he always had been the better duelist. Maybe he would kill him before Ominis could even cast a protection charm. The fact that to him, this was currently the best possible outcome made him feel sick. He just couldn’t return without any results - that result being either a captured Sebastian or his corpse. Political instability across the continent was etched into the current time. Tensions among nations fueled the fire of a great war that was dangerously looming in the distance. The last thing their crumbling society needed was the murder spree that was currently happening. Jurisdiction had become random and arbitrary; it wouldn’t surprise him if he would be sentenced to imprisonment in Azkaban – or worse – for aiding a murderer if he returned without Sebastian.
It was hopeless. Ominis had always said that one always had a choice, only this time, all of his choices were equally undesirable.
He exhaled, a quiet sigh in the night’s darkness that had engulfed Feldcroft.
“I have been expecting you,” Sebastian’s unmistakable voice reached his ears lowly as Ominis entered the Sallow cottage, “every year that I have come back here, I was expecting you.” His voice was calm, his tone neutral. There was nothing to be read into it.
“I didn’t come here because I wanted to,” Ominis said firmly. Now was not the time to get emotional. He closed the door behind him with one hand, the other resting on the handle of his wand in his pocket. Physically, he was prepared for every possible outcome. Mentally, not so much. “You seem to be awfully aware of your situation.”
“I am. I know you didn’t come here simply because you wanted to see me or talk to me, as much as I wish that to be the case,” Sebastian said, his voice now giving away the slightest taste of bitterness. “I know what you are here for.”
Ominis froze.
“I know about your career, your task and everything that has something to do with that. The ministry didn’t exactly put in great effort to make this a top-secret mission, you know,” he said, almost laughing dryly, “I know they need a culprit, and I won’t be standing in the way of your success.”
“What games are you trying to play here?” Ominis asked suspiciously. He did not want to fall for Sebastian’s charm. Not again.
“I am not playing any games, Ominis,” Sebastian said defensively, but still calmly.
The sound of his own name being spoken by his former partner sent a pleasant shiver down his spine – a shiver that Ominis could not enjoy in this dire situation. “What I am saying is that I do not intend to fight or anything, I surrender,” he said and Ominis could hear the clatter of what he assumed to be Sebastian’s wand falling to the floor in front of him, “I mean no harm. I just thought that…” he hesitated and the uncertainty that got a hold of his tongue was palpable, “…that maybe, before you complete your mission, we could talk.”
Ominis swallowed. He really didn’t need this right now, he could not accept this, he knew it would only make it harder.
“I hardly think there is anything to talk about.” He tried to sound cold, unfazed even, but he doubted that his usually well-performed masquerade was successful with the man that knew him so well. Too well.
“I understand that you don’t have anything to say to me, but I do,” Sebastian said, “and I thought that maybe you would listen to me. Just this one final time, and maybe would allow me to ask you a favor,” he almost pleaded.
The word ‘final’ didn’t sit right with Ominis. He thought they had their final talk years ago, back when their paths split in their fifth year after Sebastian chose a path that Ominis could not follow him on.
“I will not grant you any favors,” Ominis began, “but fine. Talk.” Maybe it was simply because Ominis wanted to listen to the sound of Sebastian’s voice just a little longer, maybe he wanted to hear that Sebastian still had something good deep inside him. Not that it would matter.
“Sit down with me?” Sebastian asked carefully. Ominis remained in his place, silent, his hand still clasped around the wand in his pocket. “Okay,” Sebastian said after a few seconds, disappointment evident in his tone. “Do you know what I regret most aside from indulging in the dark arts and becoming a murderer?” he asked.
“Enlighten me.”
“That everything regarding us went so horribly wrong. That we parted ways in fifth year,” he stopped abruptly, hesitating or struggling to find the right words, “that I didn’t kiss you more often, that I never really showed you how important you are to me.”
“You know who to blame for that,” Ominis stated. He tried not to allow his emotions to take over, but it was hard.
“Of course I know,” Sebastian almost spat. “Do you really think I don’t know that? Do you actually think that I don’t regret anything? That I don’t spend every spare second of time thinking about you? About Anne? About where I went wrong and what my life could have become?” his voice got louder, his tone more aggravated. There was some sort of ridiculous desperation in it along with a strange sense of exhaustion and tiredness.
Ominis remained silent. There was nothing he could say, at least nothing that he could think of, or maybe it was just because there were too many thoughts in his mind at this moment.
“Seriously, Ominis, do you know how hard it is? There is no one left to blame except for myself! I wish every damn day that there was something I could do! Some way to go back in time, just … something!” Sebastian said. Ominis could tell he had gotten up from his seat and was probably walking back and forth in front of him. Just like he always used to do when situations overwhelmed him. “Please, Ominis, speak to me!”
Ominis breathed shallowly and thought.
“This is just about you again, isn’t it?” He began, knowing well that his words were not going to aid in the de-escalation of this situation, but they were the truth. Nothing but the truth. “You chose this pathway, Sebastian. I tried to stop you more times than I can count, I tried to get you back on track, but you always refused. And now that the past apparently caught up to you, you suddenly realize that you have to live with the consequences of your actions? And then you have the audacity to ask me ‘to talk’ after years upon years?” Ominis remained calm in his tone, at least as best as he could. He just hoped that it wasn’t too obvious that he, too, would like nothing more than to just turn back time and fix what had been broken.
Sebastian sighed. It was a forced exhale, and his steps in front of him had stopped for a brief moment before he turned to Ominis.
“I know I sound egoistic. I probably am, but I can’t help it, okay?!” Sebastian said, obviously louder than anticipated, “I’m sorry,” he tried to calm himself down, “I can only guess how it’s been for you. Believe me, I know I have done you wrong, I know that I should’ve listened to you from the very beginning, and I know that I should have treated you better.”
“What do you want, Sebastian? Forgiveness? Reconciliation?” Ominis asked. This conversation was going in a direction that he didn’t like at all. It would only be much harder to complete his task if this talk continued. He had to end it now.
“I don’t want forgiveness, I know you wouldn’t give me that and I don’t think that I deserve it.”
“Correct.”
Sebastian paused, slightly irritated by Ominis’ admittedly unnecessary comment. “I… I just wanted to speak with you for a bit, I suppose. For old times’ sake. Maybe I just want a short moment to pretend that none of this ever happened. Just so I can tell you that I am sorry, even if means nothing to you, that I regret everything and… well, just to get these things off my chest, before you do what you have to do, I suppose.” His words had gotten quieter throughout his monologue and his pacing had stopped.
Ominis thought again. He bent down and picked up the wand that Sebastian had carelessly tossed in front of his feet earlier. The handle felt all too familiar in his fingers as he twisted the stick in his hands. He had held Sebastian’s wand countless times before, but this time it felt different. What used to be a meaningless gesture of simply handing over the wand or holding it for a moment while Sebastian had been busy with his hands was now a silent signal of complete surrender. Sebastian’s fate was in Ominis’ hands and both of them knew that.
“I remember when I used to sleep here,” Ominis said as he let himself sink down on the sofa that stood in the middle of the room. It was still in the very same place as all those years ago when he used to spend the summers in Feldcroft. The worn-out springs and thinning cushions still felt very much the same. “You were the one to give me a home in times of need. I always thought that nothing could ever separate us after that first summer here in Feldcroft. I thought of you as my dearest friend from first year on, and then…” he paused, “well, then you became so much more than that.”
“I never meant to be the cause of our separation,” Sebastian said lowly. Ominis could feel Sebastian’s weight being lowered on the other side of the sofa next to him.
“You weren’t the cause,” Ominis said and he could feel Sebastian stiffen next to him, “it was your actions, the way you dealt with things and the blindness to the consequences that your actions inevitably provided. You were my blessing and my curse at the same time, Sebastian. It’s ironic, really.”
“I never wanted to be a curse to you, but I guess you’re right. There’s not a day that goes by without me wishing I could somehow undo the harm I’ve caused. I always dreamed about a simple life together. Just you and me.”
“This isn’t about you, Sebastian!” Ominis reminded him, “do you think I enjoyed watching the boy I loved fuck up his life and the relationship we had? Do you think I like how that boy that I loved so damn dearly destroy a prosperous future that I wished for?”
“Of course not,” Sebastian hesitated, “so you don’t love me anymore.” It was more of a statement rather than a question directed at Ominis’ use of the word ‘loved’.
Of course I still fucking love you, you clueless moron! Ominis thought in conflicting anger, but his mouth remained shut.
“I can’t blame you,” Sebastian said, “I can’t even love myself. But I still very much do love you,” he said, the hurt of expected disappointment at the lack of Ominis’ reply evident in his voice.
“I don’t know,” Ominis lied, “You were the most important person to me. When we parted, you left a hole that nothing and no one could fill so far,” that wasn’t a lie. “And I doubt that will ever be the case,” he added.
“I’m sorry I took that from you,” Sebastian sighed.
“What exactly?”
“A life you enjoyed. A possible future together. Just everything that has something to do with what we had. It was a wonderful time, Ominis, and I will forever be thankful for that.” Sebastian explained with an audibly heavy heart.
“You haven’t really been quite talented to show that proclaimed gratitude of yours.”
“I know I haven’t, but I should have. And the least I can do is tell you now.”
“I see.” Ominis said. He did not know what to make of Sebastian’s words. Would it be too much to just pretend that nothing bad had ever happened in the past, at least for just a while until the morning dawned? Probably, but still, Ominis wished that he could just forget what had driven them apart, forget the choices his former boyfriend had made, forget the life in misery Sebastian had chosen for himself.
“Remember how we danced together at the yule ball in fifth year?” Sebastian asked unexpectedly.
“How could I ever forget,” Ominis replied.
“Hobhouse was staring at us almost the entire time.”
“I wouldn’t know, if you hadn’t told me.”
“Probably because of my immaculate dance moves,” Sebastian said, almost in a dry laugh. Ominis had to admit that he just brought back some rather fond memories.
“I doubt that. You stepped on my foot three times in just one song, but I guess you weren’t as bad of a dancer as I expected you to be,” Ominis said with a small chuckle.
“I’ll take that as compliment,” Sebastian exhaled, and Ominis could feel him stretching.
“Take it however you like.”
“It’s nice hearing you laugh again,” Sebastian said lowly, “I always liked the sound of your laugh.”
“Is that why you made a fool of yourself so many times?” Ominis asked, raising a brow and not expecting an answer.
“Perhaps,” Sebastian stated with a shrug, “you never used to laugh when we first met, so I tried hard to make you laugh when we became friends.”
“I remember,” Ominis said fondly. Bittersweet melancholy was flowing through his veins. It was painful yet somewhat addicting, and it only strengthened the wish inside him to just forget the past and his mission entirely.
There was silence. Ominis could feel Sebastian shifting slightly next to him. Ominis did not want the conversation to be over. That meant that he would have to resume completing the mission he never wanted to start in the first place, and he just wanted to float in the pleasant memories of the times when everything was still alright. Just a little longer, he wished.
“Why did I have to fuck everything up so badly, Ominis?” he heard Sebastian choke next to him.
Please don’t cry, Ominis pleaded in his mind, knowing too well that this would break him.
“Why did I have to destroy everything that we could have had?” Sebastian said. Ominis could practically hear his tears. It wasn’t intense; Ominis knew Sebastian well enough to know that he was sitting next to him, silent tears running down his face occasionally as the bitter realization hit him like it probably had done so several times before. Sebastian had not changed a bit, after all.
“You talk to me about that life we could have had,” Ominis spoke slowly and thoughtfully, “but we can’t have that life anymore.” It wasn’t exactly a response to what Sebastian had said, but rather a statement to himself. A desperate attempt to convince himself that whatever they had right now had no future, no perspective, and no way out. “There is no water in that well, Sebastian.”
“As if I didn’t know that, Ominis,” he said, and Ominis could tell that he was looking at him. For once, Ominis was glad that he couldn’t see Sebastian’s face and the state he was in. “I just wish there was. I know it’s pathetic, and I know that this is all my fault, but it doesn’t change the fact that I wish everything was different! Do you have any idea how much I have missed the time when everything was still alright? How much I missed you? The way you talked to me? The way you used to kiss me? The way it was just us and nothing else?” He spoke. It sounded muffled to Ominis, as if Sebastian had his face in his hands.
You have no idea how much I missed all of that too. For all those years. Ominis thought but remained silent instead for a while.
“What am I supposed to do or say now, Sebastian? What do you want from me?” Ominis said, his voice was getting tense. Why did he have to make this so much harder? Was this just some tactic, some sick game he played? That would be rather unlike him though, Ominis thought. Could that idiot not have realized all of this so much sooner?
“I- I just thought that-“ Sebastian stammered, struggling with the words that held his tongue captured, “nevermind,” he gave up.
It could have been so easy to end this here. So easy to just end this conversation at this point. So easy to just go through with his task. Except it wasn’t.
“No!” Ominis almost hissed, “for Merlin’s sake, Sebastian, speak! Don’t beat around the bush like you always did for just once! Speak your damn mind or shut up, but either way, stop making me question things and stop trying to make me pry further! If you have anything to say, say it now!”
He could feel Sebastian freeze at his short outbreak.
“I just thought – or rather hoped – that you would still feel somewhat the same for me,” Sebastian said quietly, “I know you shouldn’t and wouldn’t deserve that at all, but still, I wish you did.”
Ominis let those words sink in. Of course this egoistic prick that his former boyfriend was wished that, and of course Ominis still felt very much similar.
“Of course I still feel the fucking same, as if you didn’t know that,” Ominis finally said, but the discomfort and distaste in his voice was eminent, “do you think I didn’t imagine a nice future for us? Of course I did. All I ever wanted was to have you by my side forever. I never got any enjoyment or satisfaction out of you being sent to Azkaban, it was torture witnessing your arrest and your trial, my life was hell after that, I had to go back to my family during the remaining summer breaks, I had to live a life without you, without your love, your kind words or your warm touch. You took all of that from me, Sebastian,” he paused, “Ha! To think that I finally would have a decent future to look upon, to think that I ever actually believed you would listen to me,” he laughed dryly, “ridiculous. And what did it get me? A short episode in my life that was pure bliss, that one year we had together, a year that finally brought peace to mind; one year that is now nothing but a ghost of the past. And what else did it get me? A man that I never got over of, tastes that still reside on my lips and sensations that still linger on my skin. Ever since you moved past the point of no return, my life has been nothing but miserable; every memory of us that resurfaces is painful, and each day I am reminded of what I could have had, what we could have had if only you hadn’t taken that. Not only from me, but from us! Of course I still fucking love you, Sebastian! Of course I don’t want to, but what am I supposed to do?! I could never forget anything that happened, I could never forget you or finally move on!” he ended his speech, “I meant it when I said that you’ve been my blessing and my curse, and the latter, you still are.”
His words had become heated, his mind ran quickly, but it felt so relieving. Finally, being able to say what had been on his mind for so long felt so very relieving. He sighed as he leaned his forehead onto the palm of his hand.
Sebastian broke the silence between them after what felt like hours, “I know that I wished for you to say that you still love me, but,” he swallowed, “now I just feel worse. You shouldn’t feel like that because of me, and you shouldn’t suffer like that because of me.”
“You should have thought about that before you made your choice,” Ominis countered, “you were my everything, Sebastian. I would have crawled to hell and back on my knees to get you back on the right path.”
“I know. And I am sorry that I failed,” Sebastian said lowly. There was nothing left to say.
“I know you are,” Ominis spoke softly. He could feel a sting in his eyes, but he didn’t want to allow himself to cry. Not now, not in front of Sebastian.
“I wish I could have seen you graduate,” Sebastian said, his head leaning against the back rest of the sofa.
“I wish we could have had more than just a year together,” Ominis replied.
“I wish I kissed you more often, show my feelings for you more often,” Sebastian replied. Ominis could feel the slightest brush of Sebastian’s fingers against his hand that was resting on the cushions next to him. Sebastian immediately withdrew.
“I wish we could have danced together more than just once,” Ominis said. It was remorseful.
Ominis’ hand travelled, almost unconsciously and involuntarily. It searched for its counterpart, and soon enough, the all too familiar sensation of his fingers being intertwined with Sebastian’s in a tight grasp tingled like bolts of electricity on his skin. There was no way he could fight the burn in his eyes any longer.
“I wish I could have given you everything you desired,” Sebastian, choked lightly, “everything that you deserve.” There was silence again. Ominis thought. He thought about how he could possibly fulfill his task, how much speaking to Sebastian again, hearing his voice again felt so pleasant yet hurt so much at the same time.
There was no way he could arrest him, no way he could do him any harm, as much as it might be justified. But he had to.
“Thank you for everything, Ominis,” Sebastian broke the silence, “thanks for being with me, thanks for trying to guide me, thanks for the dance we had. Thank you for loving me.”
“It was my pleasure, Sebastian. It truly was,” he whispered.
“What are going to do now?” Sebastian asked the painful question. There was nothing left to be said between them, nothing left to do, except one thing, “you want to arrest me now, right?”
Ominis shivered, and his grasp around Sebastian’s hand tightened. If only this night would never end.
“I don’t want to,” Ominis said painfully.
“But you have to,” Sebastian knew. Ominis hesitated, barely able to get the one word out of his mouth.
“Yes.”
“I meant it when I said that I won’t stand in your way,” Sebastian reminded him thoughtfully. The mood between them was calm but gloomy. There was a strange kind of comforting tranquility in this situation but also the looming direness of the dawn that would ultimately come.
“I wish you would,” Ominis said. He had always tried to get Sebastian out of the dark path that he pursued, he tried to protect him from a life in Azkaban, but now he was supposed to be the one who would bring him back there.
“But I won’t. I am tired of hiding, Ominis. I’m tired of being on the run constantly. I’m so tired of everything.”
His words didn’t sit right with Ominis.
“Let’s not think about that now,” he said before a pause, as he could feel Sebastian’s thumb circling across the back of his hand in a painfully serene way. “You said that you just wanted to pretend as if nothing ever happened. Just for a while,” Ominis started, “let’s do that. Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we are back where we left off. Back when were fifteen and back when everything was still right. Just for a while I want to love you like I did, Sebastian.”
“I’d like that very much,” Sebastian breathed, “Thank you, Ominis. For everything.”
“Thank you too. Not for making the choice you did, but for everything that happened before that – and for tonight.” Ominis said, moving closer to Sebastian, waiting for him to mirror his move.
“One thing though,” Sebastian halted, “you said earlier that you wouldn’t do me a favor,” he began, “may I still ask my favor and ask you to at least consider it until the morning comes?”
“Go ahead,” Ominis said. He’d do almost anything now.
Sebastian exhaled, “When the morning comes,” he began. His voice sounded fragile and unsure, “please don’t take me back to Azkaban. I cannot go back, I don’t want to spend the rest of my days in that hell, I can’t.” He begged. The ghosts of the horrors Sebastian must have encountered in his time there were visible, even to Ominis.
“Sebastian, I-“
“I’m not asking you to fail your task or let me run free. Just-“ he paused and swallowed. His words weighed heavy in his throat, “just end it for me when the dawning breaks.”
Ominis froze. He couldn’t. This was the worst outcome he had feared to happen tonight. There was no way Ominis could take Sebastian’s life.
“I know what you’re thinking,” Sebastian continued, “but I have nothing left to live for. No one cares for me, maybe except for you, but there is no possible future for us, I would never forgive myself if you couldn’t move on from me. Please, Ominis, you agreed to spend tonight pretending as if nothing ever happened, and I couldn’t imagine a better last night than that. I’m tired, Ominis, I can’t do this anymore, I know I deserve this, but I just can’t.” Ominis was stiff. He had closed his eyes and tried to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat. His grasp on Sebastian’s hand had only tightened, never wanting to let go and being so afraid of loss.
No, he thought, never.
“Let’s-“ he tried to compose himself, “let’s not think about this now, okay, Seb?” he tried to speak coherently.
“I’m sorry,” Sebastian said, placing the palm of his hand on the back of Ominis’.
“Let’s just pretend that we’re fifteen again and without a worry in our minds except for assignments and essays to write,” Ominis said, “and when the morning light does come, we will see what happens. We’ll figure something out,” Ominis said, desperately trying to find some hope in his own words.
“One more thing before we do that,” Sebastian said, “I am not responsible for the recent murder series they accuse me of. I take full responsibility for everything that I have done, but I did not commit any crimes again after- well, you know. I could never repeat the same mistakes again,” he said. His tone was almost begging for belief, almost as if he had been put on a stand.
“I know that, Sebastian,” Ominis reassured him. Of course he knew, and he believed him.
“Thank you,” Sebastian said, finally closing the distance between them. Ominis could feel the warmth of Sebastian’s body against his own; The weight of his head and the tickle of his hair against Ominis’ neck and cheek awakened fond and serene memories.
Maybe there was hope for them after all.
They both did not know what the morning would bring or how the night would end, but for now, however, they pretended that everything was alright.
That they were fifteen again, full of love, full of hope and full of dreams.
Maybe, just maybe, there would be a way to make these dreams come true eventually.