Chapter Text
Viscous. That was the word she would use to describe nonexistence, a visceral, hot, viscous, ever encompassing hell like drowning in boiling oil. Eight years, eight years of drowning In the inky void, no struggling or thrashing, no resistance or fight. Because on every level, she knew she deserved it. She’d earned her stay in hell, feeling the bones of her neck crack and her eyes swell, the only thing keeping her head from falling slack: a rope tied so tight it left burns to the muscle. Her stomach and chest burning from the old gaping stab wounds left untreated. All things she deserved. Until all at once, it was over. She stood in a new void entirely, a gradient of pink to white, deafening, cute music blasting in her ears. She grabbed at her neck as her choking became breath, she felt it scarred like a burn where the rope had once pulled, her hand crept around the back. She felt on the left hand side of the back of her neck the scar was much larger, jagged. She could see, really see now, staring at the bright pink ground,
She stood up, slowly looking around, she existed again. She turned around to see the title screen, backwards as she had always seen it. The hole in reality itself before her, but she saw no face on the other side, out of habit more than anything, she peered through to see only a cold steel room. The occasional blinking light, when the sound got too much to handle she pulled herself from the pin prick in the fourth wall and began attempting to press the options, they did not work, as if her fingers were frozen. A pang of remembrance hit her mind, she dug in her blazer pocket and pulled out the scuffed pager she hated was so familiar. She held the calculator-like screen up to her eyes and saw what she always did: she saw beyond the veil, into the very fabric of her reality, the primordial soup that housed and kept alive her and almost everyone she had ever loved. The files. She found the master volume and ripped it down to mute.
She stayed there for a long time, silently reviewing the events of the last time she existed in her mind. Wordlessly scolding her foolishness, she wanted to go back. She didn’t want to be a god, or reality bender. She wanted to be Monika, an eighteen year old girl in highschool with her best friends. She wanted to be an impatient, perfectionist blissfully ignorant little computer program. She couldn’t handle this. She needed things to be normal- wait, she can do that. Despite how badly she’d like not to, she does have control, she can just make things normal. She held her pager in her shaking hand as she clung to her knees. Hesitantly, she peered inside, and set the stage.
As Monika stood on a familiar street corner, taking the place of an unfortunately deleted protagonist, boo hoo. She waited with baited breath to see her again.
“Monika! Wait up!”
The voice made tears well in her eyes, painful hot tears, they felt too thick. She hated it. As Sayori got up to her she put her hands on her knees and panted, “I overslept again! But I caught you this time!” She huffed. After a moment Monika opened her mouth, “Ma-“ she chocked hard on a rasp, grasping at her neck, feeling as if shoving razor blades down her throat. She heaved as she coughed, and eventually, it all came out. Painting the ground in old blood and food dye, the last of Natsuki’s cupcakes she ingested she assumed. Sayori stared forward, a stark reminder that this was fools gold, a pointless distraction from her guilt. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. She spent days on the ground, Sayori standing over her like an old god in hibernation, teaching herself how to speak again, until it didn’t hurt. She gazed into the files, and reset.
As Monika stood on a familiar street corner, taking the place of an unfortunately deleted protagonist, boo hoo. She waited with more confidence than before for a do over.
“Monika! Wait up!”
As Sayori got up to her she put her hands on her knees and panted, “I overslept again! But I caught you this time!” She huffed. “Maybe,” Monika smiled, Sayori looked so alive, it was scarily convincing. “But only because I decided to wait for you.” She teased, Sayori whined, “You say that like you were thinking about ignoring me!” She pouted, “That’s mean Monika!” Monika immediately felt her knees buckle under her, she fell to the ground, on pure animal instinct begging for forgiveness, “I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to please don’t hate me! Sayori! Sayori!” She stared forward again. As if Monika was still standing in front of her. Monika clawed at her legs for even a modicum of her attention, she wanted to be yelled at, scolded, driven to tears. Maybe if someone else did it, she could at least be upset at them instead of herself. Reset.
“You say that like you were thinking about ignoring me!” She pouted, “That’s mean Monika!” Monika breathed deeply. “Well, if people stare at you for acting weird then I don’t want them to think… we’re…..” reset.
“That’s mean Monika!” Monika brushed her blazer, “My apologies Say, only teasing. But we really should get going, we’ll be late!” And the backdrop fell out from under them, Sayori was gone, she was in an empty classroom, leaning on her desk, this part wasn’t important, she grabbed the files and skipped forward to the first club meeting, with her taking the protagonist role it was too broken to function, she assigned herself her own role and skipped to meeting two. It went okay, laying eyes on Natsuki and Yuri sent chills up her spine. She practically lept over her desk to hug them, they were still, inanimate. She wasn’t following the script but it didn’t matter, she squeezed them and apologized until her voice gave out. She repeated the game to it’s breaking point what must have been hundreds of times until it’s ability as a coping mechanism ran truly dry. She laid on the club room floor, contemplating what to do next. She didn’t want to delete herself again. After a few days of thought it hit her, why not make something new? There were tons of assets that didn't get a chance to be shown off due to her pushing the game to it’s breaking point. Yes. She’d Frankenstein something new for herself to experience together. That would probably help.
She selected a backdrop of a cafe date the player was supposed to go on with Sayori. For convenience she selected Sayori to join her, she looked nice in her casual, thrown together date outfit. Monika looked down at her blood and vomit stained blazer, it didn’t seem proper to show up like that. She looked through her own sprites, finding one of her in a nice white sundress. It was for the group picnic scene finale of the game, a climactic date with whoever’s path you played. It didn’t quite match Sayori but it was good enough. She booted up the scene and just like that, she sat across from Sayori, “Thanks for letting me drag you out here Monika! I’m having a great time, getting out can help with the rain clouds Yknow?” Monika smiled, this was nice, admittedly, she was getting a chill, she didn’t consider that it was fall in this backdrop. “Of course Say, so, what are you getting?” Sayori froze, that must have kinked the script, damnit. Monika began to look inside the files but was blinded by a flash, she dropped her pager and held her throbbing head, when she opened her eyes Sayori was mimicking her expression of pain. Weird glitch, anyway, she bent over to pick up her pager, when she came back Sayori practically screamed.
“Holy shit Monika what happened to your neck!?” Monika’s eyes widened, white hot panic dropped down her forehead. “What..?” That was not in the script. That was a reaction. What the fuck. “Your neck is scarred to hell what happened!?” Sayori gestured at her. Monika shook, her eyes. They showed worry. Real worry. Like him. She quickly looked in the files, Reset. Nothing. What? She was still in the moment, she couldn’t reset. “Monika!?” Sayori wailed, racked with concern. Monika delved into the character files, and to take her breath, there weren’t files anymore, they were folders. She opened Sayori’s to see it actively updating, with every second another line too long for her to read. She opened her own, it was doing the same, as was Yuri’s and Natsuki’s. What. The. Fuck.
She flinched hard as Sayori grabbed her arm, “Holy fuck Monika!?” Monika’s eyes followed Sayori’s, looking down to her arm, hundreds of scars, spanning every angle and length climbing from her wrist to her elbows. She looked at her free arm. It was much the same. Ringing filled her ears, she ignored Sayori as she looked down into her dress. Pulling it out to look at her chest and stomach, scarred over wounds. She hadn’t even thought to look at anything under her blazer. She focused back in. “Babe!? Moni!?” Sayori was on the verge of tears. Babe? Oh wait. She was in the player’s role, in this scene they’d been dating for almost a month since the festival. She dropped her pager, it slipped from her hand. She reached to catch it and it evaporated away, as if it was never there at all. Sayori grabbed her face. “MONIKA!” she screamed, “Yes! Sorry! I’m here.” Monika panicked, “What happened to you!?” Sayori pleaded. Lying on her feet, unfortunately she was good at that. “My scars? What do you mean? You’ve definitely seen them before.” She tried to calm her voice and replace it with feigned confusion.
Sayori’s face furrowed, “No??” She breathed, Monika tried to sound authenticity concerned, “Say, are you feeling alright? Did you hit your head?” Sayori ran her thumb up Monika’s arm. “How’d they happen..?” Monika stood up, “You really don’t remember?” She spun falsehood, it would at any rate be easier than actually explaining anything. Sayori looked up at her, pathetic confusion painted on her face. Monika shivered, the wind chill was starting to get to her. She carefully pointed to her arms, “Self harm addiction,” she moved up to her neck, “Suicide attempt by hanging,” she gestured to her abdominal area, not being able to obviously show them off but hoping Sayori would get the idea. “Suicide attempt by stabbing,” she tiled her head forward and moved her hair to show the larger scar deviation on her neck, “Suicide attempt by breaking neck.” She stood back up straight and stared at Sayori.
Sayori stammered and held her head in her hand, “Am I blind??” Monika pulled her arm away, “Do you need to lay down? I can walk you home.” Monika wasn’t sure if that was even true, they could be stuck in this scene forever for all she knew. “Yeah..” Sayori mumbled, well, time to find out. As they set out on the sidewalk Monika stopped, “I don’t remember the way back..” she admitted, “It’s.. it’s fine I remember.” Sayori said as she wiped her head on her sleeve. Sayori looked over Monika as they walked. “You’re shivering Moni, here.” She took off the thin jacket over her shoulders and wrapped it around Monika, “… thanks.” Monika was still reeling, unable to comprehend what exactly was going on, something had drastically changed, an update perhaps? Whatever it was it gave her what she wanted, control was out of her hands. Unfortunately, it didn't take the memories with it.
Upon arriving at Sayori’s house she stopped at the door, “One sec lemmie check if my Dad is napping.” She whispered, her Dad? Monika was positive that parents weren’t a part of the game before, well, aside from Natsuki’s ‘Papa’, another thing to mark as changed, did this mean she had parents now?- her thoughts were cut short by Sayori opening the door back up and waving her inside. She quietly followed Sayori past the portly blond man asleep in the recliner and upstairs to her room. “Sorry it’s cold up here,” Sayori dug through a drawer, pulling out a pale green sweater and some comfy looking sweatpants. “Here you left these here last week, get out of that tissue paper dress before you grow icicles from your nips.” Monika breathed a laugh through her nose, it was chilly but it wasn’t that cold. She looked down at the outfit Sayori had shoved into her arms. It was certainly in her style but she couldn’t recall it ever being hers, apparently she took too long thinking about it because Sayori gasped, “Oh! Sorry I’m turning around! Not looking, not peeking, totally.” Sayori turned to face her bed and raised her hands, Monika breathed deeply as she turned around to remove the dress and adjust her bra beneath. This is what she wanted, everything was going to be normal now, probably. Maybe this is a blessing.
when she began slipping on her pants she took notice that the front of her thighs were scared similarly to her arms, damnit Yuri. Based on the shocked gasp that Sayori, who was definitely peeking, let out she guessed the back matched too. She slipped the sweater on and took a seat on Sayori’s bed to think, she immediately jumped when Sayori lifted her sweater. Woah, woah, don’t overreact, this Sayori has you in the player role, so you’ve been together a while, this invasion is probably normal. Sayori covered her mouth with one hand and ran her other along the lower scar, “Oh, my god..” she lowered her hand down onto her chin, “When did you do this..?” She asked, heartbreak peaking in her voice, Monika needed a good lie, something to raise spirits and avoid suspicion, now. “It was a bad few years Say. I’m better now, mostly thanks to you.” She placed a hand on Sayori’s cheek and she leaned into it.
“But why don’t I remember any of this?” She asked, more to herself than Monika. Monika sat up straight and pulled her sweater down. “That’s what’s confusing me.” She said, Sayori shrunk into herself, “Maybe it’s just a dumb brain day or something, this can’t be something serious, I don’t need that right now.” She began to ramble, “Hey, hey, I’m sure everything is alright. Let’s uh,” Monika found a perfect opportunity to snoop for info on this ‘update’ “Test your memory, where do you live?” Sayori looked at Monika with a tinge of annoyance but a lot of care. “748 Wayne Street.” She replied, “And where do I live?” Monika asked, Sayori suppressed a laugh, “749 Wayne Street, dummy.” Right next door, she really had taken the player’s role. “Who’s your Dad?” Monika continued, Sayori rolled her eyes but smiled, “Agustuce Deavers.” She replied. Sayori’s family name, that wasnt info in the game, noted. “And who are my parents?” Monika asked, Sayori raised an eyebrow, “Trick question, you’ve only got a Mom. You didn’t know your Dad, your Mom is Lyra Sawyer, but I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t even know that, she’s never around!” Sayori said confidently. Her own family name, also noted.
“Well it seems like your memory is pretty top of the line on everything but my scars, Weird.” Monika hummed, “Really weird..” Sayori trailed off, “What if it’s a side effect of the new meds?” She said, crawling across the bed to reach for the bottle on her night stand, “The new antidepressants!” She clarified. She began reading the bottle. “They’re stronger than the old ones sooo, yeah look! Memory loss! Oh wait, that's not good.” She mumbled, “ehhh, if it happens again I’ll tell Dad.” She reasoned with herself. She crawled back over to Monika, directly into her personal space. “For now, you wanna watch a movie?” She asked, “Uh, sure!” Monika agreed. “Okay! Lemme go get the dvd box!” And off she skittered out of her room. Monika looked out the window, the sun was setting.
After watching Cast Away and The Green Mile, Sayori began to Yawn as she snuggled into Monika, “You wanna stay tonight?” She asked, Monika thought over her current situation, her mind wandered to the eight years of suffering and who knows how many days of accompanied isolation, no question. “Yes please.” She shrunk into Sayori’s embrace.
As Monika laid behind Sayori with her arm wrapped around her, she had trouble falling asleep, she couldn’t remember the last time she’d slept. Had she ever? But she was so tired, her eyes burned. She turned her head and stared at the wall, that’s where the fourth wall would be. That’s where the hole would be. She stared for minutes on end, but when nothing came of it, she decided instead to focus of Sayori’s hair below her. This was better.