Work Text:
There were many things that Lieutenant Commander Malcolm Reed prided himself on, but one thing in particular had saved his life many of times; his innate perceptive abilities. Most of the time, unless he was dealing with a particularly alien society with completely foreign body language, he had the ability of reading the atmosphere in a room quite quickly.
Malcolm could tell just by glancing at someone, what their mood was and what they might be considering. He’d practiced long and hard to develop this skill and it never failed to reward him. A rather unexpected benefit of this skill was that it had saved his skin with his boyfriend many times, often tipping him off to the fact that Trip wasn’t pleased with him before the man himself had to say it; which allowed him to make an almost pre-emptive apology. Of course, that didn’t always guarantee that they could avoid an argument, particularly if Trip figured out that Malcolm didn’t exactly realize what he’d done to piss him off.
One such evening passed by as follows:
Given their respective positions as bridge officers, there were times where several days or even a week would pass by before Trip and Reed could spend more than a few minutes together off-shift. Whenever those periods of time apart came to an end, provided neither of them were forced into convalescing in sick bay, they had an unspoken agreement to spend as much of their time off together as possible. Usually, this meant that they’d take their meals in one of their quarters, under the careful guise of two buddies catching up over a movie or a marathon of an old television show.
Two covered plates in hand, Lt. Cmdr. Malcolm Reed made his way from the mess hall to Cmdr. Tucker’s quarters, his carefully neutral expression in place as he did, in order to avoid drawing the suspicion that the full-blown grin threatening to burst out would surely do. Feeling the glow of happiness at the idea of truly seeing Trip for a few hours, Malcolm pressed the door chime on the side panel beside Trip’s door, eager to begin their evening together.
The door opened to greet a surprisingly less than enthusiastic Trip, something that nearly threw Malcolm for a loop, considering how excited Trip had seemed earlier in the day, when they spoke about getting together in-between maintenance tasks. Mentally shaking his head, the tactical officer chalked Trip’s expression and body language up to the amount of stress they’d been under and brushed past Trip to enter the man’s quarters.
Once the door swished close behind them, Reed allowed a smile to form on his face, his posture relaxing now that they were finally together in private. “Chef made New York style pizza, this evening, it’s bloody wonderful!,” he exclaimed, heading for Trip’s desk and setting down their dishes. “I took the liberty of getting you pepperoni and sausage,” Malcolm added proudly, looking over at his boyfriend with a smile, only to find that Trip was still standing over by the entrance to his quarters, that same displeased expression on his face.
Hm, it appeared that Trip’s day had apparently gotten quite worse after they’d spoken, Malcolm thought. Frowning ever so slightly, he moved over to Trip, reaching out to pull the larger man into an embrace. “Bad day, darling?,” Reed asked gently, only to feel Trip stiffen further as his arms wrapped around the man’s trim waist, Malcolm realized that it wasn’t Trip’s day that had upset him, it was him .
Confused, he pulled back to look at Trip, analyzing the man’s expression up close. Those beloved blue eyes were hurt, but the set of his jaw illustrated his anger, as did the set of his body. Trip’s usual relaxed posture was unbelievably stiff, an alarming thing within and of itself. Malcolm’s brow furrowed, his mind immediately going over their past several conversations, wondering what he could have said or did to make Trip this upset with him. When he came up with nothing, Malcolm realized that he was in trouble. At this juncture, he doubted an ignorant, if sincere, apology would suffice, but it was instinctual. He’d caused hurt to the most important person in his life, it was instinct to apologize.
His hands slipped away from Trip and he took a step back, looking down and away for a moment, truly feeling bad for offending his boyfriend and feeling worse yet for not even being able to figure out quite why.
“Clearly, I’ve upset you, Trip. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that I-,” Reed began, before he was cut off by a humorless snort from Trip. Surprised, Malcolm wasn’t able to school his expression of displeasure quickly enough.
“What? You think one of those bullshit apologies of yours is gonna fly for this? Malcolm, you don’t even know why I’m upset. It don’t do either of us any damn good if you apologize when you don’t have any clue of what’s pissed me off!,” Tucker informed snappily, huffing out a breath and crossing his arms.
‘Uh oh,’ thought Reed, ‘I’ve really done it now. I’ve never seen him like this.’ Knowing that Trip was right, really, didn’t help his guilt. Nodding in agreement, Malcolm sighed quietly, moving to sit down on the edge of Trip’s bunk, their romantic dinner forgotten.
“You’re right,” Malcolm capitulated, feeling rather exposed under the intensely upset and scrutinizing gaze of his partner. “I shouldn’t expect you to forgive me when I apologize without knowing why. Though, Trip, I am sorry for upsetting you. That’s not my intention.”
Trip’s eyes glittered suddenly with frustration. “What exactly are your intentions?”
For what seemed to be the millionth time in a few minutes, Malcolm was nearly frozen in surprise. “What?”
“Your intentions,” Trip repeated, slightly louder and more forceful than before. “What is this to you? What am I to you?” A hurt expression formed on Reed’s face before he could help it.
“What do you mean?,” Malcolm asked incredulously, unable to quite believe the conversation they were having. “What are you to me? You’re--you’re my lover. You’re...my partner.”
Another humorless scoff escaped Trip and he moved around the cabin until he was standing a foot or so away from the sitting Lieutenant. “You’ve sure got a funny way of showing that,” he remarked, bitter hurt practically oozing off of his words.
The tone of Trip’s voice, along with his words, immediately set Reed on edge. He had to actively fight his instinct to become pissed off, reminding himself that he’d evidently precipitated this conversation, himself. The price of allowing himself that anger would be too high, too, not to mention. Malcolm wouldn’t lose the man he loved over some unfortunate misunderstanding that had hurt Trip so badly. Trip obviously thought his anger was warranted, the least he could do would be to hear the man out.
“What do you mean, Trip? I know we haven’t spent much time together in the past week and a half, but we’ve both been busy…,” Malcolm trailed off when Trip’s face clearly demonstrated that that wasn’t what he was so upset about. “Okay, so it’s not that. What is it?”
A grimace-like facsimile of a smile formed on Trip’s face. “No, it ain’t that,” he echoed, shaking his head. “Are you ashamed of me?,” Trip asked, point-blank, his jaw clenching as he prepared himself for every possible answer that Reed could give him.
“What?!,” Malcolm asked again, beginning to feel like a broken record. Ashamed? How could Trip even begin to think that he was ashamed of being with the most talented, most handsome, most intelligent man he’d ever met? Affronted, Reed looked at Trip with raw pain in his gaze. “How could you even think that?,” he asked, nearly choking on the words due to the emotional lump forming in his throat.
His reaction seemed to take Trip aback a little, evidently he’d been expecting a different response from him, something that only added to the ball of hurt forming in his chest. Jesus, how did manage to fuck up this badly. At seeing his genuine hurt, air seemed to rush out of Trip, his posture becoming vaguely less stiff.
Drawing a deep breath, Trip prepared to explain his concerns. “Because we…,” he began before trailing off, having difficulty putting things into the right words. Sighing, Trip ran a hand through his blonde hair, mussing it as he turned to survey the various small objects littering his room instead of looking at Malcolm. “Because we don’t exist out there, that’s why!,” he blurted out as he turned around, gesturing angrily to the corridor outside of his quarters.
Brow furrowing in frustrated confusion, Malcolm stayed silent, waiting for Trip to continue. It was clear that the man was on the edge of spilling out everything that was bothering him and, at this point, that could really only help them.
“The only time we ever spend time together as a couple is in your quarters or mine. I get that you don’t want to fraternize while on duty, I really do, and I ain’t pushed you on that, but, damn it, Malcolm! You won’t tell anyone about us, you won’t let me tell anyone, for God’s sake, you won’t even hold my hand during movie night!,” Trip nearly shouted, his voice catching the slightest bit, at the end. He didn’t want much, he didn’t expect his exceptionally private and occasionally reserved lover to suddenly enjoy playing grab-ass in the Jeffries tubes, but this felt too much like sneaking around. To say that it brought up bad memories was an understatement.
Reed flinched at the both the volume of Trip’s voice and at the idea of how Trip had interpreted their relationship. Stunned into silence yet again, Malcolm’s gaze drifted to the floor for a moment before he locked eyes with Trip again. “I’m not ashamed of you,” he stated quietly but truthfully, “I couldn’t possibly ever be ashamed of you. I’m quite sure of how lucky I am to be with you, Trip.”
Shaking his head, Reed wiped his hands on the thighs of his uniform. “I didn’t realize that you felt like I was...hiding you.” He honestly hadn’t. It was just that he was an intensely private person and the thought of having his intimate life being common knowledge throughout the ship was a daunting one. Within a day, every single one of their commanding officers and subordinates would know about their relationship. By the next, every single crewmember and any traveling dignitaries would as well.
The rest of the tension seemed to seep out of Trip at the reaction that he received, the worst of his anger leaving him fairly quickly. Apparently Malcolm really had no idea of what he’d done to hurt him, none whatsoever. Sighing, Trip moved over to the small chair in the corner of his quarters, sitting down at an angle in order to keep looking at his boyfriend.
“Well, if you ain’t ashamed of me, what is it? Why don’t you want anyone to know?,” he asked, his voice much softer than before. Swallowing hard, Reed awkwardly shrugged.
“It’s not you, I swear,” he hurried to assure, before taking a moment to try and piece together his reasoning. Inhaling sharply, Malcolm stood, rubbing his hand along the back of his neck. “It’s about privacy. It’s not that I mind the idea of people knowing about us, in fact I’m perfectly glad for them to be terribly jealous of me, but...once everybody knows, things will change. Personally, professionally.”
Trip huffed out a breath. “What kinds of things’ll change, Malcolm? The fact that people’ll see you as a person instead of an officer?,” he asked, intending to be slightly mocking, only to perceive his boyfriend’s tell-tale expression of embarrassment. “Holy Hell. That’s it? That’s why you’re so damn careful to make sure everybody only ever sees us as friends? You’re afraid that they’ll know more about you than you’ll feel comfortable with, that they might start seeing you as less of an officer, more of a man?,” Trip asked, skeptically, unable to believe that this was the crux of the issue.
Obviously uncomfortable at being so easy to read, Malcolm shrugged again, ducking his head to hide the rapidly forming flush on his pale cheeks. “Yes! Like I said, it’s not you. It’s just the way I was brought up. I’m not comfortable with everyone wanting to know everything about me and my relationships,” Reed confessed, throwing his hands up in the air in an expression of frustration. Exhaling loudly, he continued: “Particularly, when I’m not even used to having relationships with superior officers. Not to mention, there will always be those people who will think I’m only with you for...career opportunities. I just don’t want people to butt in. We have something special Trip, or we could have, and in trying not to jeopardize it, I did. I’m sorry I’m such a git, Love. I swear I’m not ashamed of you.”
With the last of Malcolm’s explanation being directed toward him with the single most apologetic look he’d ever seen on another living being, Trip felt the last vestiges of his anger completely dissipate. The lingering hurt would stay for a while, but at least now there was cause to hope that it would fade eventually.
“If that’s what you’re worried about, we can tell whoever it is to just fuck right off. Mal, it’s me and you in this relationship. No one else. Even if the Captain himself objects, I’ll tell him to kiss both sides of my naturally white ass,” he stated passionately. “We don’t have to go around announcing it to every crewman we pass, but we shouldn’t feel as though we have to keep this entirely private. It’s our lives, we don’t owe anybody an explanation,” Trip reiterated, wanting to be as clear as possible. “I know you’ve got...I know you’re a very private man, but I ain’t askin’ for you to stick your tongue down my throat while we’re on the bridge or nothin’. All I want are stupid little dates in the mess, for us to spend shore leave together in some hut on a beach somewhere, and for you to maybe put an arm around me during movie night. People’ll think what they want and it shouldn’t take ‘em long to figure out that we don’t wanna hear whatever they have to say unless it’s ‘congratulations’.”
In the midst of such passionately spoken words, Reed fell silent once more as he considered everything they’d spoken about. In retrospect, he had been in the wrong. There was no reason to expect that their relationship could be confined to the parameters that he’d set, forever. Relationships grew thanks to overcoming challenges together, not by avoiding them whenever they could, especially the important ones. Besides, it wasn’t as if there were explicit rules barring a relationship between him and Trip, they were both members of the bridge crew so despite their difference in rank, they were considered members of the senior staff. The worst that they would be facing would be opposition to their relationship and he had no doubt that Trip wouldn’t hesitate to tell anyone that felt that way to go fuck themselves, regardless of whether or not they were his superior.
“You’re right,” he capitulated, “You’re exactly right. Oh, Trip, I’m so sorry.” His sincerely delivered apology finally had the affect he’d been hoping for: a very tiny smile formed on Trip’s face and the man’s entire expression softened.
Small smile still in place, Trip rose from his chair and approached Malcolm, opening his arms for an embrace. “Aw, c’mere you,” he murmured, reaching out to pull the smaller man into a hug. His arms snaking around Reed’s waist and his hands splaying across his boyfriend’s back, Trip pressed his cheek against the man’s temple, nuzzling him. “‘Course, I don’t want you thinkin’ that you’re forgiven just like that...,” Trip warned, a bit of his usual warmth seeping into his tone.
“Oh, really? What must I do to earn that forgiveness, then?,” Malcolm asked, his voice somewhat muffled by Trip’s uniform, as he’d tucked his head against Trip’s broad shoulder when he’d returned the embrace.
A shy grin formed on Trip’s face and he pulled back to let his boyfriend see it, Reed’s hands slipping down to rest on Trip’s defined upper arms in the process. “Well,” he began, drawing out the syllables of the word, “you could start with bringing me that pizza you mentioned.” Malcolm’s eyes drifted closed for a moment as a smile of his own formed on his face, as if he were savoring the moment. They drifted open again, gratefulness practically shining in his grey eyes.
“It might be a bit cold by now,” he pointed out, one of his hands coming up to cup Trip’s smooth-shaven cheek, causing Trip’s smile to soften into the sweetest smile he’d had the pleasure of seeing on his lover’s face.
Turning his head just enough to press a light kiss into the palm of Reed’s hand, Trip shrugged. “Maybe we could go get a couple o’ fresh slices…?,” he suggested cautiously, unsure of whether or not he should test the waters this quickly.
Malcolm’s answering smile was blinding in its intensity. “I’d love to,” he assured, caressing Trip’s cheek a final time before letting his hand fall away to clasp at Trip’s calloused one. His fingers entangled with his boyfriend’s as they headed toward the door, his smile still firmly in place.