Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

He could feel the king’s eyes on him. Alastor may have never experienced attraction himself, but he knew what it looked like. And from what he was seeing, the tiny ruler was feeling some very intense attraction for him. This wasn’t the first time he’d noticed someone lusting for him. It’d happened several times on Earth and even more in Heaven (angels may admonish sinners for their lustfulness, but Alastor knew they were no less guilty of that particular sin). This was, however, the happiest he’d ever been to receive such attention. Not because he returned the interest, but because he could see a way to use it to get what he wanted most. To get out of this horrid, puritanical, Disney-esque nightmare of a realm.

He still had no idea how he could have ended up here in the first place. The day he’d died, he was shocked to find he still existed (never having put much stock into the idea of an afterlife) and even more shocked to realize he’d ended up… well up. When he expressed his concern for what was surely some kind of clerical mishap, Sera had assured him those kinds of mistakes didn’t happen in Heaven and that the good he’d done by ridding the earth of predatory men and protecting their victims from further harm was cause enough to grant him paradise!

Ugh. Paradise. They might call it that, but the idea of spending another minute (much less eternity) in this cesspool of mediocrity sounded more like torture than the fire and brimstone he’d been told awaited those who were damned.

And so, with all of this in mind, catching the eye of the king of Hell seemed like his first real shot at getting out of this ivory prison.

“Huh? Wha’s that?” the king asks, turning his attention back to Sera.

The high seraphim sighs and rubs the crease between her brows, clearly losing patience for the king’s lack of focus.

“I said, Lucifer, that your daughter’s hotel may be a lovely idea, but it’s just that. An idea. It has no basis in reality. There’s no evidence it stands even a chance of working. Sinners being redeemed? Don’t you think if that was possible it would have happened by now?”

“Now hold on! How are we supposed to provide any evidence if you don’t give her a shot to try?! She’s trying to offer sinners the support and motivation they need to improve themselves, Sera! She’s trying to give them a choice to be better!” the devil’s eyes have changed color and horns have begun to rise from his head.

“But what she’s trying is dangerous, Lucifer! You of all beings should know how risky it is to allow humans too much leeway. After all it was your mistake that opened up the possibility of damnation in the first place!” Several new sets of eyes have sprouted up across the high Seraphim’s wings. Alastor leans back in his seat smirking. Finally some entertainment!

Six red and white wings spring from Lucifer’s back as he draws in a breath, preparing some kind of retort, when Alastor decides that, despite how entertaining this meeting has become, this is his best moment to lay the bait for his trap.

“If I may,” he cuts in, drawing the attention of both seraphs, “I believe with the proper supervision, the princess’s project could be prevented from getting out of hand. If I were to stay at the- Happy Hotel was it?”

Here he pauses to arch an eyebrow questioningly at the king, who only nods in response, his eyes wide as saucers and a golden flush across his cheeks. “Yes right. Well if I were to stay at this hotel, I could ensure it remains above board so to speak. Why just last week you were saying how compromise is one of the cornerstones of virtuous behavior, weren’t you Sera?” Alastor takes a special delight in being able to throw the seraphim’s words back in her face after she’d used that same line to convince Alastor to settle his differences with another winner in… a less violent fashion than he’d wanted to.

“Well I’m not sure that Lucifer would want to have you staying at his daughter’s hotel, Alastor. After all, you’re basically a stranger and-“

“He can stay!” Lucifer blurts out. “I- that is- I mean. At the hotel. He can stay at the hotel. I… wouldn’t mind. I mean he’s offering his help to Charlie, so… haha, yeah. He can… come stay at the hotel.”

The fighting may have ended, but seeing the king of hell reduced to a blubbering mess at the idea of Alastor staying in the same building as him might be even more entertaining. And it’s certainly more helpful to Alastor’s goal.

“Well I- I suppose if you’re both… amenable to the idea, I don’t have any other objections, so… I hereby grant Alastor temporary leave of Heaven so that he may stay at the Happy Hotel to monitor Princess Charlotte Morningstar’s project to… redeem sinners,” Sera says the last bit with barely restrained disgust, but the order hold no less weight for it. It’s done.

Alastor just got himself a ticket to Hell.

Chapter Text

“And here’s where you’ll be staying!” the king gestures awkwardly to what will apparently be Alastor’s quarters for the foreseeable future.

So far, all he’s seen of Hell is this tacky hotel, Lucifer having portalled them straight here from the council room in Heaven. He’d hoped to do a little sight-seeing, take in a little murder and mayhem, maybe stop for some hellian cuisine, but he supposes that will have to wait. He is here for an actual reason: babysitting the royal family in their ridiculous attempt to redeem sinners. If one’s actions after death were able to change which realm they lived in, Alastor would have been sent to Hell within a month of his death. But apparently trying to eat the cherubs was only punishable by a seven hour mandatory lecture on what was and wasn’t appropriate food in Heaven. But back to the matter at hand. His room. 

The furnishings are elegant but not ostentatious, a stark contrast from the gaudy circus theme of the rest of the hotel. Alastor would almost like it if it weren’t for the color palette. The white and gold accents might not be so bad if they were accenting dark reds and blacks, but everything in the room is pastel . Blushing pinks, baby blues, soft yellows, dusty lavenders. He supposes he can’t exactly blame the monarch given his own unfortunate coloring. As if his deer-like features weren’t enough, Heaven had somehow seen fit to give him white fur with little pink spots (akin to freckles) dotted around his nose, cheeks, and… rear. Even his attire was mostly pale blues and pinks. He’d been unable to source clothing of a darker hue and the one time he’d managed to dye a shirt red with the blood of an unfortunate winner who’d annoyed him, Sera had locked him in a room for weeks where he was forced to watch a television program about kindness and respect on a loop. After that, he’d accepted his fate and simply tried to avoid mirrors. 

“Thank you, your majesty. It’s very… heavenly,” he decides on using a word that will sound like a compliment to the king without actually having to praise the horridly colored room.

“I hope it’s alright! Let me know if there’s anything else you want- Oh! Or if you want to bring over anything from Heaven, I can have it sent down via the embassy! I want you to feel at home here!” the king says all in one breath. 

“Oh. Nothing from Heaven needed, your majesty. I’m not particularly attached to any of my belongings.” He might have formed attachments to his possessions if he’d been allowed to pick anything for himself, but apparently weapons weren’t allowed for anyone other than the exorcists or higher ranking angels. And when he’d discovered that the radio in his room only played worship songs and sermons, he’d tossed the wretched thing out the window and never seen it again. Perhaps here he’d be able to acquire some things he’d actually enjoy and smuggle them back to Heaven when he was forced to return. 

“Of course. I guess Heaven still considers it virtuous not to get too attached to objects,” he runs a hand through his hair and sighs before putting back on his slightly manic smile. “Aaaaanyways… I thought you might want some privacy from the rest of the residents, so I put you on the top floor. The only other room up here is mine.”

Here Alastor arches an eyebrow at the king and smirks. Predictably, this makes the smaller man turn a bright gold and he begins to stammer again.

“It’s not- I mean I- we won’t be-“ he takes a deep breath and calms himself before continuing. “I’m at the opposite end of the building, so we won’t exactly be close. I won’t bother you, I promise.” 

“Oh I doubt your proximity could ever be a bother, your majesty ,” Alastor drops his voice half an octave on the title, watching with delight as his tone sends a shiver up the fallen angel’s spine. He may have already been invited into Luficer’s realm, but it can’t hurt to stay in his good graces. Besides, eliciting such pathetic responses from such a powerful being is some of the best entertainment Alastor’s had since he died.

“Oh haha! Whew, is it hot in here?” the king pulls at his collar and Alastor watches as a bead of sweat travels down the side of his neck and beneath the white fabric of his dress shirt. He has the strangest urge to follow the little bead of liquid with his tongue. “I mean, of course it’s hot! It’s always hot. It’s Hell! Haha! But it does seem extra warm today. I’d better go… open some windows. Yeah. I’ll just- go do that. You get settled in and I’ll come get you for dinner. That’ll give you a chance to get acquainted with your new home before you meet everyone! So. Bye!”

At this Lucifer immediately pivots the other way and speed walks down the long hall towards the stairs they’d ascended on their way here. 

Yes. This is going to be quite entertaining indeed.

Chapter Text

As Alastor closes the door behind him, he begins to further assess his rooms. The one he’s currently standing in appears to be a sitting room/office space. On one side of the room, there’s a loveseat and two chairs set up around a spacious coffee table. The walls are lined with empty bookshelves and wall shelves waiting for decorations and personal items he doesn’t have. On the opposite end of the room is a beautiful writing desk and lovely blood-red leather chair (the only things in the room that aren’t an atrocious pastel). Upon spotting them, he immediately walks over to inspect them closer. 

He starts with the chair. The back is high and curved to provide proper back support. The seat feels like the perfect balance between too firm and too soft, and best of all, it’s real leather . One of the many things Heaven lacks. Since they don’t allow the slaughter of animals (or angels) there, the only leather they have is (just like the meat), conjured out of nothing. For most, it passes well enough, but Alastor had always been a connoisseur of fine things. And both the meat and the leather in Heaven feel decidedly off to him. The form seems to match perfectly with the real things, but there’s something missing . Like the soul of the items has been sucked out of them. But this . This was real. Something (or someone) had given up its life for this chair to be made. 

Having inspected the chair thoroughly, he sits down to look at the desk. It’s solid mahogany (or whatever the hellion equivalent is) and carved in an elegant Victorian style. It has a backboard with shelves and two large drawers reside on the face of the desk. There is a beautiful quill and inkwell sitting on the flat surface and some stationary and a letter opener sat on one of the shelves behind it. The quill is a blinding shade of white that seems to almost shine on its own. When he picks it up, it sends tingles up his spine, a warmth settling into him that feels like home. It’s… unsettling to be quite honest. He tries to avoid sentimental drivel like that, so he quickly puts the pen back down and sighs in what he tells himself is relief at being rid of the sudden soft feeling. 

He opens the drawers to see if the desk comes with any more supplies. The first is empty, but the second contains a piece of parchment with a red wax seal. He carefully picks it up from its resting spot and holds it up to the light. The wax of the seal has a distinct gold shine to it and depicts a serpent coiled around an apple. Must be Lucifer’s seal , he thinks to himself. He picks up the letter opener and slices open the letter, preserving the seal. Inside is a letter that reads:

Dear Alastor, 

I apologize for the rather hellish appearance of this desk. This was the only desk I had available on such short notice. I know it doesn’t match the rest of the room, but the quality is fine, and the chair is sinfully comfortable! I hope it proves useful to you as a space for correspondence and work. 

Your humble host, 

Lucifer Morningstar

P.S. I hope you enjoy the quill! I thought having a little piece of heaven might make you feel less homesick. 

A little piece of heaven? Is that why the blasted feather had given him feelings ? It was heavenly? The only heavenly feathers he knows of come from angel wings, but they’re in Hell… 

A massive grin spreads on his face as Alastor realizes what this means. The only angel in Hell is Lucifer (a fallen one, but still an angel). Did the king honestly give him one of his own feathers as a quill? He may not associate with many other angels in Heaven, but even he knows the power of an angel’s wings. Each feather holds a bit of their magic, their holiness, their power . Access to another’s feather can give you a small bit of that power if you know how to harness it correctly. And here, he’s been handed a feather from an archangel . Not only an archangel but the archangel. God’s favorite, if the stories are to be believed. He may not know how to harness this power yet, but he’s going to make it his mission to find out, because this is an opportunity he won’t miss. 

The other rooms have nothing out of the ordinary. There’s a bedroom with an elegant canopy bed (with ugh… pink drapes, a light blue bedspread, and lavender sheets), a bedside table, small loveseat and plush rug by a large fireplace, and several empty shelves on the walls. Then there’s a bathroom with a walk-in shower and large soaking tub and several shelves lined with a wide variety of beauty products in scents ranging from candy-apple to cedarwood. He doesn’t have time for a shower (or more accurately to properly dry and straighten his hair after taking one), but he has enough time to get freshened up and fix any small flaws in his appearance before the king returns at dinnertime. 

About 30 minutes later, he hears a knock at his door. Opening it, he greets the tiny demon with a grin. “Ah! Speak of the devil, and he shall appear.”

Lucifer (predictably) blushes at the sudden closeness and (less predictably) says “Oh? So am I to assume you were speaking of me just now? To yourself? Why, I didn’t know I’d made such an impression on you, Alastor.” He tucks a stray strand of hair behind his ear and blinks up at Alastor coyly. 

Alastor’s eyes widen and his posture stiffens. Up until this point, Lucifer has been so shy he’s been startled into silence or even leaving. Alastor hadn’t expected him to start flirting back . At least not so soon. What is he supposed to do with that? 

“Well, you are the king of Hell afterall. Being a resident of Heaven, it is a rare opportunity to meet you. Hard not to leave an impression when you finally meet the big bad. Especially when it turns out, he’s not quite as… big as you’d expected.” Oh. Apparently what his brain had done with it was to decide to insult the king of hell, in whose good graces, he was trying to stay. Wonderful. 

“Pffffft,” the king covers his mouth to try to keep his laugh from coming out, but the way he’s almost doubled over and clutching at his knee does nothing to hide his true reaction. “Was.. was that a fucking short joke? Wow! I didn’t know angels were allowed to have senses of humor up there! Guess you’re more than just a pretty face, huh?” The devil looks at him with a dopey grin for a few seconds before the grin drops from his face and he stands up straighter. 

“Oh! W-whoops! I got a little sidetracked there.. Haha.. I’m here to escort you down to dinner and introduce you to the other residents of the hotel!” He offers his arm to Alastor who is taking a moment to process the whirlwind of emotions the monarch has just displayed in the span of less than a minute. After a moment to catch up, Alastor notices the offered arm and arches an eyebrow at Lucifer. The devil shoots him a sheepish grin, and Alastor shrugs and takes the arm, allowing Lucifer to escort him back down the flight of stairs to meet the others

…

There are decidedly… fewer residents than Alastor had anticipated. One guest, the king of hell, his daughter, and the princess’s partner? This is what had Sera bringing Lucifer up to Heaven for the first time in millenia? What she had considered such a threat to the order of things? It’s hardly a large enough group for a proper game of poker, much less an… uprising or whatever Sera had been worried about. 

HIs thoughts are interrupted by the princess letting out a piercing squeal of delight and practically launching herself into Alastor’s personal bubble to grab his hand and shake it with a startlingly strong grip. “Oh. My. Gosh! We are so glad you’re here! Welcome to the Happy Hotel! I am so so soooo happy that Heaven sent you down here to see the hotel! I’m really really excited about it, and I think both our realms could really benefit from what we’re trying to do here. So it means so much to me that you believe in my dream!”

“Why thank you, my dear, the pleasure is all mine. I just love your… darling little hotel, Your Highness. I believe with a few finishing touches, it could be quite a lovely place to stay.” Alastor tries not to look around the place with the disgust he feels, but honestly. This place is a disaster. Despite the elegant furnishings, there’s cobwebs and dust everywhere, a coating of fur and crumbs across the carpets, and several empty pizza boxes and takeout containers strewn across the various surfaces. 

“Finishing touches?” Charlie tilts her head at this and asks, “What would you recommend? We definitely want this place to draw in lots of sinners, so any ideas you have to make it nicer for them would be awesome!” Instead of insulted, the princess seems happy for any help he can give. This whole thing might be easier than he thought. So far, he already has most of the royal family practically eating out of the palm of his hand. Just ready for any ideas he suggests for them. Ripe for manipulation. 

“Why yes, my dear. For starters, as this is a hotel, it wouldn’t be complete without housekeeping. And most hotels do provide at least one freshly made meal each day. So I would suggest starting by acquiring a maid and a chef.” 

“That is a great idea, Alastor! Thank you so much! I am so happy that this feels like a safe space for you to share your thoughts with us. Maybe you’d like to join us for tomorrow’s trust exercises! Trust is the foundation for solid communication afterall, so I think you could really help show our guests… or guest , I mean we only have the one for now, how to have open and honest communication with others. As someone who got into Heaven, I think your help would be invaluable for helping us understand what qualities Heaven is looking for, so we can have clearer goals for earning redemption!”

“Now, sweetie, Alastor is only hear to be a liaison between Heaven and Hell. He was only sent to make sure what we’re doing here isn’t a danger to anyone. He’s just here to observe and report back,” Lucifer cuts in. 

“Oh. I guess you’re right,” Charlie says despondently. She looks so much like a kicked puppy that Alastor immediately pipes up. 

“My dear, I would loveI to help you with your noble goal! My duty may only be to observe and report, but what kind of angel would I be if I turned down someone in need?” he says with a small bow. He tells himself that he is only offering help because it’s a prime opportunity to further his goals, not because the princess’s puppy-dog eyes tugged at his nonexistent heartstrings. 

The princess immediately perks up and begins a monologue about all the wonderful things she’s doing with the hotel and how excited she is to have someone else to brainstorm ideas with, but her voice is just background noise at this point. His attention is focused on Lucifer. Lucifer who is looking back at him wide eyed, golden flushed, and mouth hanging slightly open. Their gazes lock and Lucifer quickly turns away to try to hide his face, but it’s too late. Alastor’s already seen it. The king of hell is definitely falling for him.

Soon, Hell will be Alastor’s for the taking.

Chapter Text

“So, for today’s exercise, I was thinking each of you could share why you ended up in Hell. Or at least why you believe you did. I figure, with Alastor here, we could all get a little closer to understanding what it takes to be redeemed! We’ll end with him so he can share an example of what it takes to get into Heaven. What do you think?” 

The princess looks excitedly around the circle of hotel residents as the others look back with mixed emotions. Lucifer looks slightly hesitant, but, ever the supportive father, remains silent and lets Charlie take the lead. Angel looks frankly bored as he examines the backs of his nails. And Vaggie? Vaggie looks uncharacteristically anxious (isn’t that fascinating?) as she speaks up first, saying “Charlie, I’m not so sure-”

“I think that’s an excellent idea, my dear!” Alastor cuts her off. “Simply inspired! Why, however else will you make any progress without knowing how the whole system works?” Charlie directs a smile his way that’s particularly blinding while her paramour regards him with such skepticism, it’s bordering on outright contempt. 

“Thank you, Alastor! That means a lot coming from you. I really think you’re going to be such a wonderful addition to our little team here.” She reaches out and places a hand on his shoulder giving it a gentle squeeze, and the furious look Vaggie sends him from where she’s seated at Charlie’s left side is well worth the slight discomfort at the physical contact. He may have voiced his support of the idea by encouraging Charlie’s ridiculous notions, but really, hearing everyone’s greatest weaknesses followed up by the revelation that he got into heaven through murder and cannibalism sounds like the perfect way to start his day. This place has truly provided him more entertainment in the last 18 hours than Heaven had in his entire 91 years of residence. 

Charlie, unaware of and thus undeterred by her partner’s frustration, moves straight along to the activity she’s planned. “Alright, I’m sure everyone already knows why my dad and I are here,” (Alastor catches a wince from the fallen angel at his daughter’s mention of his fall) “so let’s start with Vaggie! Babe, I already know you’ve talked to me a little about how you got here, but why don’t you share with the others?” The princess sits back in her seat with a little bounce and clasps her hands in her lap, giving her partner her rapt attention. 

“Well…” Vaggie begins, slightly ducking her head and avoiding eye contact with the others. “I don’t wanna go into too much detail, but I was part of a… I guess you could call it a gang… and some of us were specially trained to go out and… dispose of members of our rival gang. So, even though I thought we were doing the right thing at the time, I… killed innocent people. They may not have been perfect either, but they didn’t deserve to die, so… yeah. I guess that’s it.”

Charlie reaches out to grab her girlfriend’s hands and clasps them to her chest. “Thank you so much for sharing that, babe. I know it’s really hard to be that vulnerable.” She kisses the backs of Vaggie’s hands, and her girlfriend ducks her head again, looking uncomfortable and vaguely… guilty? Alastor’s grin never falters, but his eyes narrow at the pair. Hmmm. There’s definitely something off about this sinner that just reeks of dishonesty and possible scandal. Certainly something to keep an eye on. Gossip is such a delightful form of entertainment afterall!

“Ok everyone, Vaggie did such a wonderful job of getting us all started, so now it’s Angel’s turn!” She turns her attention to the tall spider demon and continues “Angel, what choices did you make on earth that led you to Hell?”

“Toots, what didn’t land me in this shithole? I was part o’ the mafia, I didn’t spend a single living day sober past the age of 14, and I whored myself out to anyone who could show me a good enough time.” He leans across the circle, showing off his chest fluff and makes pointed eye contact with Alastor. “And I was damn good at it too. Still am, angel boy,” he practically purrs. It’s not lost on him that Lucifer has straightened up in his seat, looking ready to stand between the two, but Alastor has this handled. 

He scrunches up his nose at the shameless display and says, “I suppose I’ll have to take your word for it. Because this?” he gestures between the two of them, “ Never going to happen.” 

He hears a distinctly unangelic snort from his right and turns to see Lucifer attempting to muffle a laugh behind his hand. The devil looks absolutely delighted to see the porn star get rejected with such finality, and Alastor can’t help the way his smile softens a bit at the sight. 

Charlie, eager to move on from the awkwardness cuts in with, “Well thank you, Angel. I appreciate you sharing. Maybe we can work on not propositioning the other hotel residents, but you did a really good job of opening up to all of us!” 

“Maybe there’s such a thing as too open,” Vaggie says under her breath, and it’s the first time Alastor has agreed with the petite woman. 

“Vaggie!” Charlie admonishes her partner, but there’s no heat behind it. It’s obvious the two are ridiculously smitten with each other, and Alastor knows it’s going to become sickeningly sweet very soon. “Anywaaaayyy! Now let’s hear from our newest resident, Alastor! So, Alastor, you’re the only one of us here who earned their way into Heaven, so give us some insight! What choices did you make in life that got you into paradise?”

She looks so excited Alastor almost regrets how much his response is going to shake her. Almost. “Well my dear, I’d be delighted to regale you all with the many colorful tales of my earthly exploits, but I spent my time on Earth hosting a radio show in the mornings and moonlighting as a cannibalistic serial killer by night!” he announces with the same kind of showmanlike flair he used when retelling a particularly exciting bit of local news on the show he hosted back in New Orleans. The ensuing silence is better than any applause or rave review he’d gotten while alive. He looks around at all their faces and notes them each with delight. 

Charlie looks devastated, her eyes wide and her lower lip trembling as if she’s fighting off tears. Vaggie is glaring daggers at him, her fingers twitching towards the spear at her side as if she’s seriously considering attacking him. Angel looks almost as delighted as Alastor, looking around at the others as if this is the most interesting piece of news he’s heard in months. And Lucifer? Lucifer’s face is the best of all. The devil looks shocked, angry, confused, slightly intrigued, and so conflicted, he might just combust on the spot at the sheer cognitive dissonance of it all. 

This time, Angel is the one to break the silence. “You’re shittin’ us, right Smiles? Ain’t no way someone who killed people and then ate ‘em got into Heaven. I did a lot of fucked up stuff while I was topside, but I ain’t never ate a guy.”

“I assure you, my good fellow, I am telling the truth. I was just as surprised as you when I ended up above, but Sera tells me it’s because I was doing the world a service by ridding it of the men I killed. You see, my victims were all wretched, despicable excuses for human beings. Rapists, wife beaters, child abusers. All deserved the fate they got, and I regret none of it. As far as the cannibalism goes, I suppose they just didn’t care. I  mean once the soul has left the body, Heaven has no vested interest. Besides, I can assure you, none of my victims' flesh went to waste. It was all thoroughly enjoyed, either by me or by the alligators that populated the bayou near my home. I suppose you could call it a help to the local ecosystem, as it were!” 

As he spoke, Charlie’s face had begun to brighten and she now speaks up hesitantly, “So you were helping people then? I mean, after you… got rid of those men, they couldn’t hurt anyone anymore right? So maybe your intentions matter to heaven. You were protecting the innocent so… it was done out of kindness?”

“I’m not so sure, my dear,” Alastor responds. “While it’s true, I did choose my victims according to the wickedness of their lives, I found great delight in my craft. Making men who revelled in their power, who benefitted from the suffering of others, making men like that fear for their lives. Making them scream and beg, watching as the hope drained from their eyes, realizing they wouldn’t be getting out alive, seeing the predators turn prey…” Alastor’s eyes have begun to glow gold as he pictures his earthly kills, but just as suddenly, he snaps back to his composed self, sitting primly in his seat with a small smile on his face. “Well, it was certainly not all selfless my dear. In fact, I miss it. Above in Heaven, I am not permitted such delights. So, you see, paradise seems to be relative to the soul it is bestowed upon.” 

Alastor takes the moment of silence to observe the crowd once more. Most of them have the predictably horrified looks on their faces, but Lucifer has turned bright red and is gripping the edges of his seat in a vice grip. When Alastor makes eye contact with the monarch, Lucifer visibly swallows and Alastor is surprised to see what looks strikingly close to arousal in the other man’s eyes. 

His attention is drawn back to Charlie when she asks softly, “So you don’t like Heaven?”

“Oh, definitely not!” Alastor leans back in his chair and laughs. “What’s to like? I can’t indulge in any of my preferred hobbies, the company is abysmally boring, and I spend almost every waking moment trailing behind the head Seraphim like a little lost lamb! On paper, I’m her personal assistant, but she and I both know I hold the position simply to keep me out of trouble. After my third or fourth time attempting to eat one of those wretched little cherubs, the position was simply thrust upon me, giving me absolutely no say in the matter!” 

“Pfffft!” Everyone turns to see Lucifer failing to fight back laughter, until  he gathers himself enough to say, “You tried to eat the cherubs?!” only to fall back in his chair, fully succumbing to the full-bodied laughs that are now racking his small frame.

“Dad! It’s not funny !” Charlie hisses out. 

“Oh come on Charlie! It’s a little funny. I mean cherubs are so annoyyyying!” Alastor is loving this side of Lucifer and can’t help but egg him on. 

“Yes! They are! With their nasally voices and the way they go on and on about how wonderful it is to be in Heaven and how much they love everything they see. They can’t let a single thing pass by without extolling its virtues and wonders. ‘Oh a dandelion! Why this has to be the prettiest most perfect dandelion I’ve ever seeeeeen! Oh woooowww look at this speck of heavenly dust! See how it sparkles in the holy light! What an amazing gift it is to behold!’” Alastor, using his years of experience doing work in a strictly audio based medium, has broken out his best impression of a cherub, and it seems to have landed perfectly, given the way Lucifer is almost falling out of his chair, tears streaming down his face as he laughs so hard he can barely breathe. 

“Oh my Satan! You sound just like them! They really are such irritating little shits!” Lucifer shouts with glee. Alastor can’t help but be struck by the way the devil’s face changes in laughter. It’s like years have melted away, and he’s seeing the angel beneath the demon. A being of light and joy, but not the saccharine sweetness he’s become accustomed to in Heaven. This is more like a summer breeze blowing away the sweat on his brow, the Louisiana sun streaming in through the trees of the bayou, the stars on a cool night as he shares a cup of tea on the porch with his maman. This, Alastor thinks, is what a real angel looks like .

He’s pulled away from his musings by Charlie standing up and speaking to the group. “Well, alright. Thanks everyone! I really appreciate all of your sharing, and you’ve all given me a lot to think about, so let’s call it for today. I think everyone could use a little time off to relax and… yeah. So I’ll see you all tomorrow morning and… that’s all,” she says to the group before turning to the stairs and walking up them quickly. Vaggie, seeing her partner’s distress, follows quickly after her. 

“Well. I’m gonna go take a nap. Val’s got a pretty extensive shoot planned for tonight, so I gotta get in my beauty rest. My looks is my money after all!” Angel says to no one in particular before sauntering off in the direction of his room, leaving just Alastor and Lucifer in the now-silent hotel parlor. 

“I believe this is where I take my leave as well, Sire. Now that I’ve fully settled into my new accommodations, I’d like to take in the sights. No telling how long I’ll be living here, so I may as well become acquainted with the area, hmm?” Alastor tells the devil beside him. He begins to make his way to the front door, when he hears Lucifer call out from behind him.

“You’re going out?! Alone?!” Lucifer shouts with panic evident in his voice. Alastor stops as the king rounds on him standing between him and the exit. 

“Well yes, Your Majesty. As there is much more to Hell than this hotel, I expect it would be wise to make myself familiar with it,” he responds, raising an eyebrow at the small man in front of him. 

“Of course, yeah! But I can’t let you go out by yourself. You need a guide! You’ve never been here before, and… it’s a lot different than either Heaven or Earth. I know you were a killer before, but you’ve been away from Earth for what? Almost a hundred years?! And there’s a lot of other killers out there with a lot more practice and a lot more weapons than you have, so… You really can’t go alone. Sera would kill me if I let anything happen to you. And Charlie? I just got back in her life, and if something happened to you while you were under our care, she’d never forgive me! Which is honestly worse than getting killed so I really have to insist-”

Alastor takes pity on the spiralling demon and puts a finger to his lips, startling the man into silence. “Say no more, Your Majesty,” he purrs out to the smaller being. “I would be honored to have such an esteemed guide escort me through the best spots his kingdom has to offer.” He slowly runs his finger down the king’s lips, slightly tugging at the bottom one with the slow slide. Lucifer lets out a strangled sound as Alastor’s hand leaves his face and stands frozen as the deer-like angel side steps him to get to the door. 

“Well?” Lucifer is broken out of his trance and turns to look in the direction of the voice. Alastor is standing in the doorframe holding open the door and offering his arm. “Shall we?”

The devil walks forward and takes the offered arm, a shiver going up his spine as they step out the door. Shit, Lucifer thinks as they begin to walk. I’m fucked.

Chapter Text

“Sera, why in heaven’s gates did you let that… that freak go down there where we can’t keep him in check? And staying with Lucifer of all beings? The original sin? I just can’t-”

“Calm down, Peter. I know what I’m doing. I’ve been dealing with souls before you even existed, might I remind you,” Sera interrupts the pacing winner without taking her eyes off the scrying window in front of her. Peter joins her to peer into the window where Alastor can be seen beginning his trek down the streets of Hell accompanied by a flustered little monarch rushing to catch up with him.

“Enlighten me then, Sera. Why did you let those two get anywhere near each other? They’re looking far too chummy for comfort.”

Sera finally turns to look at her much shorter companion and fixes him with a serious look. “Do you have any idea how much of my time and energy here is wasted keeping that man out of trouble? He may never leave my side, but I could see it in his eyes. He was this close to snapping and acting on his morbid little whims despite the punishment. Do you have any idea how bad it would be if he actually managed to kill someone up here? The questions that would bring up? Questions, need I remind you, we don’t have the answers to! We have no idea why he came up here. It’s unprecedented. Sure, we’ve had people who have killed others in heaven. Those who protected others. But none of them have had his… bloodlust! What kind of angel wants to eat the other angels? Perhaps down there he can scratch that itch so to speak. And if an angel kills a few demons down there, who’s going to complain? It’s just the easiest way to keep him out of trouble while we try to figure out our next steps with Princess Morningstar’s little passion project.”

“Oh come on, Sera! It’s literally just the Morningstar family and one whore,” Peter whines out as he rolls his head back. This is clearly an old argument between the two. “Besides, it's not like redemption is possible. Just let them busy themselves doing trust falls and having sleepovers with criminals.”

“After what happened with Lilith, I’m not taking any chances with that family! We are not taking any risks!” The two angels are practically nose to nose by this point, daring the other to back down first.

“You wanna talk about risk? What if he finds her down there, huh?! You really want an unhinged cannibalistic psychopath coming back to heaven knowing we lied to him? How do you think that ends for us, oh highest of Seraphim? You think he’s hard to reign in now? What if he actually has something to fight for other than ‘entertainment’?”

Sera takes a calming breath and leans back from the smaller angel. “The chances of that are… slim. And I can handle it if needs be.” Sera turns her attention back to the scrying window watching as the king of hell laughs and Alastor grins widely back at him. “After all, he’s only one human soul.”

Chapter Text

Hey yall! Just wanted to let you know my plan for this fic is to complete it before season 2 drops and just drop the rest of the chapters at once. Can’t promise that will happen, but I will likely post it all at once when it’s done even if that’s after season 2. Thanks for your patience. My motivation to write is very very inconsistent 😅