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The grey couch was a grounding spot for me, being that Lottie’s mansion has been long acquainted with our team. Throughout our entire childhood her house was our spot. I’m talking about the common space in all sit-coms. That one shared area everyone went to when they were bored or just wanted to be around their friends. Just like Central Perk in Friends. So for every party, sleepover, and team bonding days you could bet your sweet ass that I was there. I mean, I could walk through the house with my eyes closed. Not to brag or anything.
The party has been going on for a painstakingly long hour already. I would’ve eaten literal shit rather than being at this useless party but with vicious persuasion from Natalie and totally no ulterior motive I have no other choice.
“Lottie is throwing a party, I wanna go and you’re coming with me.” Natalie says like it’s final on the way back to the trailer park after practice.
“Hello? No, I don’t want to go.” My voice cracks as I’m taken aback. Parties are not my thing. I just want to lay in bed and rewatch my favorite movies. Is that so much to ask for?
Nat stops in the middle of the sidewalk and just looks at me like I’m crazy for missing crap music and bigoted boys. I nearly threw up from the stench the last time I was at a party. So yeah, no thanks.
“Give me two good reasons why.”
My hands wave as thoughts tumble out, “Oh let’s see. Number one, I’d like to not get drunk on shitty beer with my sweaty classmates and number two I have the perfect night set up tomorrow.” Boom. Try and argue with that Natalie Shitorccio.
“Okay that's bullshit Van. You wanna know how I know?” Nat begins walking again. No, it’s more of a devious skip along the sidewalk while I just begrudgingly drag my feet one step behind her, “Because Taissa is going to the party and we all know your perfect night is indeed with her.”
Tai was going to be there? Why didn’t I know this?
“How do you even know she’s going?”
“Easy. Lottie told me she was gonna ask her.” Nat smirks.
“Okay but that’s not for sure and you only want me to come so you can be with Lottie.” I grit out through my teeth and silently remind myself that Nat is my best friend.
Natalia runs her hands through her hair, mindlessly playing with it as she thinks, “That’s so not true. Moving on. So what if I want to be there with Lot? Just come with me and be around Taissa. It’ll be fun.” Nat looks at me with her big eyes, her pleading eyes.
“I’ll go on one condition.”
“Anything.”
“You don’t leave me stranded this time.” And so Nat’s ring clad hand met my freckled hand. It was a deal.
After wallowing the whole Saturday afternoon rereading Taissa’s love letters I put on my cleanest converse, best looking jeans, and coolest jacket. All for the promise of seeing my secret girlfriend. Well not exactly since Nat and Lottie know but whatever. Here she is across the living room looking so beautiful talking to her friends. Our friends. What was she talking so passionately about with Lottie? Waving her delicate hands around when she’s talking about something important to her. Politics, soccer, family. I hope I’m included in that list.
Natalie whispers into my ear breaking me from my daydreams, “Why are you so scared?”
That's it. That’s my limit. Intoxicated teenagers are crowding us, some teenage dirtbag got ahold of the CDs, and here Natalie is teasing me about my staring problem.
“Well I don’t see you going up to Lot anytime soon either…” Checkmate.
“Listen, we did not come to this party to sit around on our asses and watch them from afar.” Nat gestures widely to the area surrounding them. As if I can’t fucking see the atrocity in front of me.
“Speak for yourself. I didn’t even want to come in the first place.” I mumble. I’m pissed and rightfully so. This hour has been the worst. Tai just showed up and for the past 20 minutes and all I’ve done is watch her mingle with the team.
Blondie with the bad cut playfully slaps my arm spilling some of her drink on the two of us. Then of course it escalates to a full out wrestling moment because things can’t ever be chill. Curse all of the eyes on me, who cares. What mattered most was getting the upper hand in this battle between childhood best friends.
Nat was the only one who knew about their relationship (and Lottie by proxy). That’s how it works. When you grow up with someone and they are the first person you come out to it’s very obvious that they would be the first one to know about your secret relationship.
Yes, I am aware that it sounds bad but in 1995 nobody was accepting for us to come out publicly yet. Even if they really want to. Even if we both silently cried to one another about the struggles of never being truly accepted. Many nights were spent in whispered conversations with each other about what lies in the future. Going to the corner store and being able to hold each other's hand on the sidewalk.
I’m the only one who knows about Natalie and Lottie and I despise how cute they are. The four of us hang out as much as we can. Being in a space where no prying eyes will bother them. A space where they can be themselves with each other. What bliss that was.
When I lay my final blow on Natalie marking me as winner I look back to where our respective girlfriends were talking only to find the space empty. Suddenly I feel long fingers resting on my shoulder, curls tickling against my neck, and a warm breath against my ear. Taissa.
“Meet me in my car in 5 minutes.” Taissa whispers so softly as she caresses the skin peaking through my blue and red jacket.
Nat automatically claps me on the back with excited encouragement but I can’t hear it through my heartbeat. I don’t know why I’m so shocked that my very own girlfriend wants to see me. She’s my girlfriend after all yet, that still feels impossible to me. How did I get so lucky? She kissed me first. Of course she did that little overachiever. Tai got tired of the useless pining and went for what she wanted. Which ended up being me. She kissed me taking me home on a rainy afterschool practice during our junior year. I was petrified. She could sense it off of me and it wasn’t because I was in my lifelong crush's car, it was because I would do anything rather than breathing the same air as Vicky Palmer.
I tried focusing on the music playing and engaging in light conversation but the vibration of my leg bouncing up and down was distracting for the both of us. Once she parked I let out a breath and announced my departure. Until she stopped me.
“Van. What’s wrong?” Her hand on my wrist kept me from escaping. What’s wrong is that my life is shit and Taissa is perfect. Some nights I go hungry because my Mom didn’t buy groceries, we have no car, and if she didn’t notice our house was only a little bit bigger than her living room. That’s what's wrong.
I sit back down in her blue Toyota as it’s much more comfortable than getting poured down on, “I just don’t want you to see me like this.”
“Why?” She tilts her head and I hate that she looked so cute doing so.
How did she not understand why? Did she not notice the moss growing on the walls? Had she not noticed my imperfections and insecurities?
“I’m a mess, if you couldn’t tell,” I wave my hands around the atmosphere hoping she gets the message, “and you’re you. I don’t want you to see me as anyone different because of my environment.”
She takes my hands into her own slowly rubbing her thumbs over my palms. The gesture is soothing and makes me nostalgic for a time I don’t even remember. I used to wish for my Mother to care for me like this. For her to dry my tears and patch up my skinned knees but she never did. Taissa has single-handedly made me feel more cared for than my Mother ever did. So why am I so scared to open up?
She asked if I remembered 9th grade. As if I could ever forget such a memorable year. First year on the Yellowjackets and our first year of highschool.
“When you walked into the locker room that first practice you slipped and fell on the tile and everyone saw it. You got up, brushed yourself off, and just laughed. I’ve known you since elementary school but in that moment I felt something different for you. I’ve seen you with drool on your pillow. I’ve combed through your mud caked hair after practice. I’ve rode my bike across town just to catch a glimpse of you walking dogs to get some extra cash.”
My eyes shimmer at her passionate recollection of some of the most mundane moments of my life but she retells them as if it’s her lifeline. So I listen to her through and through.
“There’s nothing that you need to hide from me. I’m here for you, with you, for as long as possible. You’re my… you’re Van.”
I don’t remember who leaned in first. Tai swears it was her but it was definitely a group effort. What matters is that that evening I found home in a pair of soft lips and delicate hands but for years before that my ratty shoes were already laid in the hallway of her heart.
Nat’s constant rambling brings me out of my daydream. Right. My girlfriend, her car, and it’s definitely been longer than 5 minutes. Walking through Lottie’s house feels like a montage of my life. Me and Lottie have always been close which is odd regarding our social divide but she always gave me a place to stay when things got bad and Nat’s house was out of the question. I wave bye to her and Natalie as I leave. With every step towards Taissa’s car the music got quieter and my heartbeat became louder.
The breeze felt cool against my cheeks causing shivers to run up my spine but opening the passenger side door and feeling the warmth of the heater (and Tai) made me smile.
“Hi pretty,” Her smile makes me feel so loved. “I missed you.”
“Missed you more.” I mumble, sinking myself into her embrace as best as I can in the confined space.
“Sleep over tonight, yeah?”
“Yes please.”