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Adrien rolls over. He opens and closes his hand, trying to chase away the numbness. He doesn’t know how long he’s been laying there. At least, he can congratulate himself: he ate, took a shower and drank a glass of water. It’s the first time in a few days that’s he’s done all three.
Last week, he was on auto-pilot. Christmas Eve supper with the Dupain-Cheng, Christmas dinner with Nino’s family and many, many brunch with his friends. He even had a coffee with Cerise. He smiled and even laughed. For a moment, he forgot about everything.
Sure, it wasn’t the first Christmas he spent without his family. But it was the first one since he had learned the truth about them.
The Amok.
Mayura.
The final battle.
He had cut all ties with Natalie ever since. He had moved out, leaving the old Agreste Manor behind. Now, Adrien was living in a tiny apartment he hadn’t even bother to make his own. For now almost a year he has been living in boxes. He never even brought Nino over. Sure, he knew he could’ve asked for his help, but he couldn’t bring himself to.
How would he explain this ?
For now, he stuck with his story: his classes were making it hard to settle down.
Adrien looks at the time. Half past 6. He has spent, again, most of his time in his bed. As he’s about to throw his phone away, a message appears on the home screen.
LUKA: I’m in town.
Normally, this would make him smile. The idea of seeing Luka again usually made his cheeks burn, especially since last October. Adrien sometime reminisces on that weekend in Spain they spent together. The warmth of Luka’s arms, his hands on his body, the freedom.
Still, now, Adrien can’t help but feel a lump in his throat. He can’t get up. His limbs are so heavy and he can’t feel his fingers.
LUKA: Can I call you ?
Adrien curls up in the covers. He has to reply. Maybe Luka needs something. Maybe seeing Luka would cheer him up.
ME: Ok.
His phone rings. Slowly, Adrien presses the ‘speaker’ button and coughs, trying to sound awake and, really, alive.
‘’Hey’’ Luka says from the other side.
‘’Hi’’
‘’How are you ?’’
He can’t. He just. Can’t.
The words won’t even leave his lips. Not even a ‘fine’
‘’Uh…’’ Luka continues ‘’A certain girl with a great fashion sense told me you were feeling under the weather ?’’
A sigh escapes his mouth. Annoyance ? Relief ?
‘’I know the last couple of time we’ve seen each others were not… Well… Would you want to talk, maybe ?’’
Adrien shrugs. ‘’Ok.’’ Is the only reply he can give.
‘’Alright, text me your address ?’’
‘’Sure’’
Plagg would roll his eyes at him.
He knows he’d tell him to cheer up, that he should get up and that fresh air would make it all go away. But solutions are not what Adrien needs. He doesn’t need to be reminded that he’s failing at… Well, at living.
The young man looks at the ring he threw at the wall a few weeks ago. It’s sitting there, on the floor, next to a pile of dirty laundry. He hasn’t touched it since. Anyways, he’s not in shape to go save the world. He’d be a dead weight.
As time passes, Adrien slowly falls back asleep. Even if he sleeps most of the day, he can’t seem to rest. He’s just so, so painfully tired.
God he hated being back in this state. Earlier that year, he thought he was back on top of it. Sure, he was still living in his boxes, but he was able to live. He had been able to keep doing his rounds as Cat Noir and even fighting. But as the Holidays rolled around, he just couldn’t anymore.
A knock wakes him up.
‘’Adrien ?’’
Fuck
He has to get up.
He has to open the door.
Sighing, Adrien sits up. He waits, letting his body adjust to its new position.
Come on, just put your feet on the floor.
‘’Adrien ?’’
Fuck.
Your feet. On. The floor.
‘’Are you awake ?’’
‘’FUCK, I’M ON MY WAY !’’ With that, Adrien springs up and marches to the door. His body is shaking and he feels his stomach twisting.
Right in front of him, a tall, blue haired men stands, holding a bag and a coffee cup. ‘’Hey, let me put this on the…’’ Luka’s eyes scan the apartment. Adrien knows he’s looking for a table, but there isn’t one. In fact, the only furniture is a mattress on the floor. ‘’On the counter’’ he finally says ‘’Did you shower ?’’
Adrien nods, slowly.
‘’Alright, good, that’s great’’
The younger man scoffs. No. It’s pathetic.
‘’Would you like to go sit on your bed ?’’
‘’Yeah’’ Adrien replies in a small voice.
Slowly, Adrien walks back to the mattress. As he sits, his eyes follow Luka in the dark of his apartment.
‘’Can I open a light ? Maybe just this small one ?’’
Adrien nods. He winces, as the small light from the lamps beside him blinds him.
‘’I’m sorry, I should’ve warned you’’
It’s ok. It’s ok.
It’s ok.
Luka sits next to him. God Adrien feels like shit. Seeing Luka being so well put together, hair washed, clean shaved and eyes full of lights just makes him feel worst.
‘’So, I don’t know if you like that, but I brought you some chicken noodle soup with a tea. I didn’t know if you ate today so…’’
‘’I did’’
‘’Ok, good.’’
‘’Don’t patronize me’’
‘’I’m not, Adrien, I’m really not. I just… I know how hard it can be’’
‘’How do you know what I’m going through !’’ He says with way more anger than what he intended.
A silence falls around them. Luka takes a deep breathe and toys at his lip ring before answering ‘’I know because I’ve seen this before. The shutting people away, the laying in bed for hours, the unhealthy coping. And from what Marinette described, I could tell it wasn’t just some small Winter Blues’’
‘’What did she say ?’’
‘’Not much. That she saw you over the Holidays and that you weren’t your usual self’’
How ? Didn’t he spend his Christmas Eve smiling and laughing with her ? Didn’t he eat brunch with her, Nino and Alya not even a week ago ?
‘’I just think Marinette knows you more than you think’’ Luka adds.
‘’Mmmh’’
The silence slides between them again. Adrien stares at the wall in front of him. Stupid white wall. ‘’I don’t even know what colour I should paint it’’ he says.
‘’What ?’’
‘’The walls’’
‘’Well, what’s your favourite colour ?’’
Oh.
Adrien can feel the tears forming in his eyes. When was the last time someone asked him such a simple yet personal question ? When had he even thought about this ? ‘’I- I don’t… I don’t know’’ he replies. Quickly, he wipes a tear from his cheek. ‘’I don’t know. I… I just… I always did what I was told’’
‘’Ok, let’s start with something easier. What colours do you find ugly ? Something you look at and just… Feel repulsed by’’
‘’Purple’’ He surprises himself with how quickly he said it.
‘’Good ! So no purple walls !’’
This is stupid. What 21 year old doesn’t know what their favourite colour is ? Still, Luka doesn’t laugh. He takes one of the coffee cup he had placed on the floor and brings it to his lips. ‘’It’s Chai’’ he says ‘’Coffee makes me anxious’’
Luka, anxious ? How could the chillest guy in all of Paris be anxious ?
Adrien brings his finger to this mouth before nibbling on a piece of skin near his nail.
‘’Would you like to go outside ?’’ The older man asks after taking a sip of tea. ‘’It’s not too cold, we could just walk around the block’’
Adrien feels too weak. His mind is foggy and his legs are just, so heavy. Luckily, Luka doesn’t insist. He doesn’t even get mad. He simply gets up and walks to the window while Adrien closes his eyes.
Maybe the tea isn’t a bad idea. As he opens his eyes, a soft and cold breeze makes its way to him. The smell of Paris winter. The cool air on his cheeks feels liberating. He could stay there forever, finally feeling something. Slowly, Adrien brings the cup of warm tea to his lips and takes a small sip. ‘’Thank you’’ he manages to say.
Luka gives him a small smile before walking back to him and sitting down. ‘’I wish I’d known sooner, I have a plane to catch tomorrow’’
‘’It’s fine’’ the younger man replies, taking a deep breath, filling his lungs with the cold winter air. He knows this won’t cure him. He knows that tomorrow, he’ll probably have to do it all over again, but for a moment, he just pretend. He’s fine. ‘’The Holidays have just been… Shit…’’
Luka takes his own cup of tea and takes a sip while looking at Adrien. ‘’It’s just… Seeing people happy. Families. Marinette’s family is so great and I’m just…’’ He pauses. God he misses his mom. Heck he even misses Natalie. Sure, she wasn’t the warmest person, but she did made the Holidays more bearable. ‘’I just can’t believe that what’s supposed to be such a happy time is just… A cruel reminder. And it’s like… I have to smile, you know. Because I want to be polite. But at the end of the day, it’s just… I sit in my empty apartment and just… Wait for it to be over’’
He coughs.
Luka stays silent and stares at him for a moment.
‘’I wish’’ he continues ‘’I wish I could just… Forget. Forget about my father, forget about the Amok, I wish I could go back and just…’’
‘’Don’t you want to live your truth ?’’ Luka asks.
The younger man scoffs ‘’My truth. My whole existence is based on a lie.’’
‘’Maybe in the early days, but you’re in control now, aren’t you ?’’
He shrugs.
‘’You have the ring. It’s overwhelming, I know, but this is your life now.’’
‘’But… I don’t know how to make it mine’’ Adrien replies.
Again, tears start to fill his eyes. He feels pathetic. Should’t it be easy ? Isn’t this what everybody does ? He’s got money, a good education, friends, what else could he want ?
‘’You’ve had a very traumatic life, Adrien. It’s ok to feel overwhelmed. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s valid’’
A sob escapes from his trembling lips. Luka puts their tea cups on the floor before taking Adrien in his arms.
‘’You’re so strong, Adrien. You’re stronger than you think.’’ He adds, kissing the top of his head.
Luka’s arms around him could cure anything. Adrien feels his heart beating faster as the older man presses his lips to his forehead.
Please kiss me.
Please, I want to feel good again.
‘’I wish I knew what would make you feel better’’ Luka says.
‘’You already are’’ the young man replies with a small smile.
Their gaze meet. Luka wipes a tear from Adrien’s cheek before kissing it.
‘’I feel like I always end up crying when we spend time together’’
‘’Not always’’
‘’Yeah… Maybe not always’’
A police siren screams from afar and another cool breeze passes through the window. If only he could live this moment over and over again. Luka’s eyes on him, his warm touch, his calming presence.
‘’Please, kiss me’’ Adrien whispers.
‘’Adrien…’’
‘’Please, Luka’’
‘’No, I don’t want to take advantage of you’’
‘’You’re not, I swear. I don’t know how many times I can tell you, Luka, but kissing you is the only time I feel… I feel something’’
‘’But you can’t keep doing this. You can’t just make out your way out of your depression’’
‘’I know, I know, but… I haven’t felt safe and- and you make me feel like I can be more than this’’ he answers, gesturing to the room around him
‘’You have so many people who care about you. Nino, Alya, Marinette. It’s hard, I know, but I believe in you. You don’t need me’’
But now, right now, Adrien just wants to feel good. He knows this is unhealthy, he knows he shouldn’t, he knows he sounds desperate. But he’s got so little time before the fatigue catches up to him.
The blond man looks up at Luka. The older man scoffs and shakes his head. ‘’If I kiss you, will you promise to call Marinette ? She’s really worried’’
Adrien sighs. Suddenly, he feels a hand on his cheek. The young man catches Luka’s gaze again.
He’s usually not the one to plea, but fuck he just wants to feel good. Good as that time on the Liberty. Good as in Spain. Good as before all of this.
‘’Please’’ he mutters.
‘’Call Mari’’
‘’I will, I promise’’
Slowly, Luka brings his lips to Adrien’s. For a moment, right before their lips meet, Luka stops. Adrien can feel his heart beating faster and his chest tightening. The adrenaline makes him feel alive.
Alive like right after a battle.
Alive like when he’s laughing with his friends.
Alive like he’s finally free from his past.
And when Luka finally kisses him, he feels his entire body buzzing. He can taste the Chai on the older man’s tongue as their lips meet again, and again, and again. Slowly, gently.
Adrien feels Luka’s hands on his hips, pulling him closer. Images of Luka, down on his knees, flood back to him. Fingers sliding on his thigh, deep sighs, tongue on his skin, oh how he misses those. He doesn’t know if they’ll go that far again, but he can’t help but hope, silently.
Luka gently pushes Adrien on his back. Lazily, the younger man wraps his legs around him. Luka’s fingers slide under Adrien’s hoodie, where, luckily, he isn’t wearing anything.
‘’I’m only kissing you, tonight’’ Luka whispers in his ear before nibbling it gently. Adrien nods and sighs deeply. God he’d kiss Luka forever if he could. Their lips meet again, softly. It’s far from that first hungry kiss on the Liberty. This is tender, quiet even. Adrien forgets he’s in his lifeless apartment. He forgets the fatigue, he forgets the hatred. All he can think about is how Luka’s calloused fingertips are gliding on his skin. How his pants are getting tights and how he wishes he could bring the other man closer.
‘’I mean it, Adrien, I’m not taking this further’’
‘’I know’’
Again, their lips meet. Adrien brings his hand to Luka’s hair, tangling his fingers in them. He doesn’t know how long they kiss. Their shirts end up on the floor while their tongue dance together. Adrien doesn’t even know when he fell asleep. All he remembers is that they talked quietly between chaste kisses and he had to promise, again, that he’d call Marinette in the morning.
‘’Thank you’’ he had whispered before pressing a gentle kiss on Luka’s lips.
‘’This can’t be your solution, Adrien’’
‘’I know’’ he replied, sealing his sentence with yet another painfully slow kiss.
He can’t remember falling asleep, but he remembers the warmth from Luka’s body on him.
When Adrien wakes up around 10 the next day, he stretches to feel around for the older man in the bed. Unfortunately, he is alone. The fatigue isn’t quite gone yet. His limbs are still numb and his mind foggy. Lazily, the young man looks for his phone in the covers. Once he finds it, a text from Luka is waiting for him on the home page.
LUKA: Had to leave, got a plane to catch. Going to Ireland. If you need anything, please, call me. In the meantime, I sent you Marinette. Take care xx
Right on cue, another text appears.
MARI: Hey Adrien! I’ve got croissants, coffee and paint swatches. Tell me when you’re awake?