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Charlie was not okay.
His therapist Geoff had said that these bad days… his “wobbly moments” were normal and not failures, but it was really hard to convince himself that he wasn’t one. He knew that the people in his life wanted him to talk to them whenever he was feeling down, or anxious, or discouraged, but he didn’t want to burden them with any mental, or sometimes physical, setbacks.
Because what was the point of going to the in-patient clinic, then? he thought.
Charlie knew it was necessary to reach out to his support networks, especially given his history, but he had already put everyone through so much and frankly he was just…
Tired.
He felt out of control again. He had the urge to restrict, to cut, but he didn’t want to alarm anyone. He wasn’t crying for attention, but felt that everyone would think he was if he did either of those things. That’s not what he wanted.
He just wanted to disappear.
But not in the morbid sense. He didn’t think he was suffering with suicidal ideation, he had no intents to do anything permanent. Charlie just wanted to press pause. On everything.
It was one of those weeks where everything was just piling on. He felt that he was too whiny, too cringe, too gangly, too much, and everything he did or said was just embarrassing.
But there was one problem, a problem that everyone wishes they had. He didn’t know how long he could hide it from Nick.
He didn’t need saving or fixing, and Charlie had desperately urged Nick to try to understand that. But he knew that, inevitably, when Nick saw or felt the way Charlie folded into himself, he would try to absorb all of Charlie’s pain. In his mind, Nick was perfect.
And sometimes, Charlie hated it.
Charlie knew that no one is truly perfect. And Charlie knew that Nick tended to also run away from his problems, but his method of deflection was a bit more subtle than Charlie’s. Charlie would literally shut down and lock himself away, and everyone would see him fade a bit more each day. Nick, on the other hand, would continue to go through the motions, still show up to all these places, but each smile, or laugh, would be a bit more shallow and half-hearted than the last one. But no one really noticed. Even Charlie missed it sometimes.
Charlie didn’t know what he wanted right now. If he wanted to save Nick from this torment, Charlie’s torment, or if he wanted to bathe in his boyfriend’s comfort. He didn’t know if he wanted to spare Nick from expending energy on him or nod off as Nick listed all the things he loved about him. It was hurting his brain.
The question was answered for him when the doorbell rang.
He went downstairs and sighed, not even bothering to look in the mirror before he opened the door.
“Hi–”
Nick’s face fell before he even greeted him back. “Char? What happened?” Nick asked, holding Nellie and Henry on their leashes.
“Oh,” Charlie replied. He glanced at the mirror next to him, taking notice of the red rims around his eyes, and how his skin took on an obvious pallor.
Nick dropped the leashes and stepped into Charlie’s space, wordlessly asking if he could pull him into a hug. In lieu of a response, Charlie buried his face into Nick’s jumper, and although he managed to stifle his tears, he still let out stuttered breaths in an attempt to lower his heart rate.
Nick kissed his hair to try to calm him down and rubbed circles on his back.
Charlie tried to match his breathing to Nick’s, and once he managed to do so, asked, “What are you doing here?”
He replied, “Well, this morning in form you said you were home in the evening, and I just came back from rugby so texted you if you wanted to hang out, but I don’t think you saw it.”
“Oh. I’m sorry,” Charlie muttered.
“No, no sorries," Nick said quickly. "I could tell you were off all day, but I know you don’t like when I ask you what’s wrong when we’re at school. So I figured that maybe you could use some cuddles from your two favorite Nelson’s, not including me, of course,” he said with a smile.
The sincerity was too much for Charlie’s heart. This was exactly what he was dreading, feeling guilty for Nick’s kindness.
“Nick,” Charlie sighed. “I’m just...” He was trying to think of a good way to word it. He walked out to the porch step and sat down.
“I know you’re probably used to me having my bad days. And I know that I’ve made it hard for you. That every so often I become too secluded, or difficult, and I push everyone away, and I know this is not what you signed up for. You didn’t sign up to be with someone with chemical imbalances in their brain. I just feel…” His voice started to shake. Admitting these things out loud was so much more difficult than repeating them in his head. “I just feel so embarrassed. Like everything I say or do is too much. And I’m so tired of feeling this way. And I know you love me, and you make me feel like that won’t stop anytime soon, but I’m scared. I’m scared that this is all I can give you.”
“Char–”
“–And I know you’re too good to set proper boundaries for yourself. For fuck’s sake Nick, I went to in-patient 6 months into our relationship, and you stayed. No one would’ve blamed you if you couldn’t. But if you’d left, I can’t imagine ever finding someone else as good as you.”
Charlie’s voice was raw now. “It’s just…I hate that this is the way I am. Like yeah I went through some shit, but maybe that was the universe’s way of keeping things balanced? Like my parents are fine with me being gay, which not everyone has, and I started dating my dream guy by the time I was 14. But here I am, making everyone’s lives miserable all because I got bullied and had a shitty ex-boyfriend. But I’m just…so tired.”
Charlie had said this all without looking back at Nick. And by the time he was done, Nick was sitting next to him, holding his hand.
“Charlie,” Nick said, like a prayer. “Can you please look at me?”
Charlie’s lips were trembling, but the desperation in Nick’s voice drove him to look up. Then, tears clouded his vision, and he frantically tried to wipe them away with his free hand.
Nick began, “You’re right, I won’t stop loving you anytime soon, or ever, probably. I know that’s scary to say out loud, but I need you to know that unless you change your mind, you’re it for me. And, the thing that’s hard... it’s not the fact that you have bad days. Everyone has bad days. What’s hard is that I can’t magically take all your pain, sadness, and this urge you have to not take up space, and destroy it. I wish I could take all of your tiredness away. I wish I could help you with the things eating away at you. All I want to do is protect you, which is why I said I wish I met you when I was younger. Like, yeah, it probably would’ve helped me realize who I was sooner, but more importantly I could’ve been there for you. I know you don’t want saving or fixing, but I wish you had someone at that age that understood.”
Charlie bit back tears. Was Nick truly delusional and feeding Charlie some warped version of reality? Or was he telling the truth?
“And, when you say this is not what I signed up for, you’re right. It’s so much better. When I met you, and started falling for you, I knew you were special. But everyday you just amaze me more and more. I would’ve settled for just being your friend, but once I saw how patient you were with me, how you made me feel seen, and how you told me to take things at my own pace, like there was no pressure, I knew I was done for. Just like you said you wouldn’t have blamed me, I wouldn’t have blamed you if waiting around for me to come out made you upset. Or made you leave. I would’ve been fucking devastated, but I would understand. And that’s just the kind of person you are.
“You’re so kind, Charlie. And everything you say or do is not too much. I wish you said and did MORE. I would listen to you all the time if I could. Follow you into the lines of fire. I just want to be with you all the time. And that was the hardest part of you being at in-patient. Me knowing you were struggling and being physically unable to be with you. I was counting down the days until you came back. And no, the universe is not doing some fucked up balancing act with you having an accepting family. It fucking sucks that people don’t have that, but you don’t deserve to be punished for the fact that you do. I don’t know why all of that happened to you, and it’s something I’m gonna be wondering until the day I die. No one deserves it, least of all you.”
Now, Nick’s voice was trembling. He truly wore his heart on his sleeve. “And you don’t need to be scared. Because you’ve given me more than enough. More than a normal person like me deserves. I can die a happy man knowing someone so lovely and beautiful also loves and wants me so much. That someone so talented and kind and gorgeous and funny and compassionate looked at me and wanted to kiss me, even though he was scared. Declared his love for me, even though he was scared. You’re all I’ve ever wanted and I’m so lucky that I found you. Not everyone gets that. But I did.”
Charlie threw himself at Nick, kissing his lips sloppily as tears streamed down his face. And before he could look at him, he hugged him tightly, massaging the hair at the nape of his neck. “I love you I love you I love you.”
Nick pulled away and said, “I love you Charlie."
Charlie rested his head on Nick's shoulder, and they sat in companionable silence through the emotional comedown.
A couple minutes later, Nick confessed, "Though I am sorry for bombarding you if you wanted time to yourself.”
Charlie replied, “I'm glad you came. To be honest, I couldn’t tell what I wanted. Like I didn’t want to sodden your evening and was really considering just letting it pass. But then you showed up at my door with the dogs, and then it just came pouring out–”
Nick then said, with unmistakable conviction, “Hey, you can always talk to me Charlie. How I feel about what you tell me is still only a tiny fraction of what you’re feeling. Like if I could even provide a little relief, I'd do it in a heartbeat. And what is it that they say? A problem shared is a problem halved, or something. I just don’t want you to be alone.”
Charlie was ruffling Nellie’s fur while Henry planted himself in his lap. “Yeah. I guess when you put it like that it makes sense." A beat passed, then he said, "I would do the same for you.”
Nick planted a kiss on Charlie’s temple. “I'm glad. And for the record, you’re still my favorite person, that hasn’t changed.”
Charlie blushed and said, “You’re mine too.” He smiled weakly, feeling the rain cloud over his head slowly dissipate.
Charlie was going to be okay.