Work Text:
There's a picture of just him, Mav, in there. It's rumpled at the edges, more than any other picture, and it's obvious that it has spent more time folded in half than not. It shows Mav in his dress whites and it's old, late 80’s probably. He doesn't remember the occasion but he's sure Ice will tell him.
Mav turns the picture around to know which accompanied letter to open and is surprised. Instead of the expected name and year on the backside, it just says Mav and next to his name there's a little heart.
His jaw clenches and there are tears shooting into his eyes instantly. It's too late now and he digs through the unopened envelopes to find the right one.
Dear Pete,
I struggled for a very long time with the decision whether I want to tell you this or not but for a reason you probably already figured out there's no other person I want this picture to ever see or have. So I decided to tell you.
A couple of things before I start:
1 - I've been happy. Very happy with my life, with Sarah. We've had a lovely marriage, lovely kids, too. Now there's nothing left anybody can do for me. Please take a look after them when I'm gone, will you?
2 - I hope you're happy, too. Maybe it has worked out with Penny this time. I really hope it has! I'm positive that she's the only woman who could ever keep up with you!
3 - Lastly, I hope my dead ass won't freak you out or, alternatively, break your heart with what I'm going to tell you. Either way, don't worry too much about what if's. We can't turn back time.
Now, onto the photo:
If you can't tell, it shows you in 1986 at the celebration following the Layton rescue where we were awarded with our promotions to LCDR.
I still remember how nervous I was taking this picture. I had been taking photos of all of us the whole night but I hadn't managed to take a single picture of just you. It had always been someone else on it with you. Mostly Hollywood and Slider. But as glad as I am now that I do have taken those pictures of them, too, I was almost desperately trying to get one of you alone.
The night was drawing to a close and I didn't know when we would see each other again. I was even afraid that for whatever reason this would be the last time I'd ever see you. That only fueled my desperation to take a picture of you alone.
Thankfully, the opportunity came when you brought me and you a last glass of whiskey. (As you can see you're still holding both glasses in your hands, an image that luckily would recreate itself for years and years to come.) When you saw my camera pointing at you, you gave me your most gorgeous movie star smile. My heart was melting at your sight and I was glad to hide my face behind my camera, too afraid that my emotions would shine through.
I'm going to be honest with you: I had such a bad crush on you back then, Pete. You were constantly on my mind, at day, at night, in the sky, on the ground. It was ridiculous but I couldn't help it. I even cried after we had all left for our individual squadrons because I didn't want to be without you, even just as friends. But we had to go our separate ways.
I had never felt like this for anyone else before and the only person I've ever felt like this for again, is, still to this day, Sarah. I'm telling you this because I don't want you to think that she has been only my second choice. She hasn't been that. She still is my first choice because she had been my one and only possible choice.
That being said I never seriously considered doing anything about my crush on you. Every attempt at finding out if you might feel similar held the risk of a dishonorable discharge, either for you or for me or for both of us. Nevertheless, I sometimes still think what if. What if I had dared to find out if you felt the same? What would have become of us? But also what would have happened if I had asked you and you had said no? I've trusted you, always, but I couldn’t be sure that you wouldn't have called me out. The risks were just too high. Either way, I firmly believe that we wouldn't have become such good friends if I had said anything. I made my peace with it years, decades, ago and I'm more than happy that you are my very best friend now! (Please don't tell Slider I said that!)
Anyway, I had the picture of you then, smiling so beautifully and just for me. It's so crumpled because I've kept it in my wallet for years. I knew it was risky, keeping a picture of you, another man, with a heart doodled next to your name, with me all the time but I couldn't help myself. I was just so in love with you.
As I said, time and distance were probably the best thing that could have happened to me. When we saw each other again, when we were assigned to the same squadron, I had already met Sarah and ever since then she’s given me everything I hadn't dared to ask you for.
I hope I didn't overstep any boundaries with my confession and you still consider me your friend. Because that's who I'll be forever, no matter if it's time or distance or death that parts us.
Yours deeply,
Tom
Mav, cheeks wet from crying, folds the letter back up. He puts it back into the envelope and the envelope back into the box. The photo, however, he keeps holding in his hand, staring at and running his thumb over the small heart drawn on it by Ice more than thirty years ago.
Ice had cried after saying goodbye to him after that ceremony and what had Mav done? He had gone find the next best, broad shouldered, blond guy who was willing to fuck him because he had been young and hadn't seen any other way to deal with his all his emotions. Never had he thought Ice would feel the same way.
But just like Ice, time and distance had helped him to lock away his feelings for him. Then there had been Sarah and he had buried his feelings for good - or so he had thought until now.
He swallows hard and forcefully closes his eyes shut to keep himself from sobbing but it's to no avail. Tears are streaming freely down his face and he puts the photo aside so as not to ruin it. He loves Penny, he really does but who says you're only allowed to love one person at a time, especially if it's reciprocated… would've have been reciprocated?
Ice told him not to drown in what if’s but how is he supposed to do that? Maybe they would've been happy together. Maybe they would have survived everything without dishonorable discharges. Maybe…
It's too late now and he'll never know.
Hours later, Mav stands up from his couch and takes the photo with him. He turns it so that the heart is in front and clips it onto his pinboard, next to all the other pictures of the people he loves, one way or another.