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“We’re nearly there Tim.” Grian said as he sat up, looking in the rear-view mirror where his youngest brother was slouched in his seat blearily opening his eyes as he woke up. Grian smiled in a conspiratorial way as his brother hadn’t pouted at the nickname like he normally did, too tired to push back. Jimmy gave a half-hearted thumbs up as he took out his earphones and looked out of the car window groggily. Grian joined him as their hometown blurred past, Scar intently following directions on his satnav as he’d never been there before.
Grian hadn’t planned on visiting either, ready to leave the place behind and let it burn to the ground. However when he’d mentioned that particular fantasy to his therapist, the man had suggested he make the journey for some ‘closure’.
He wasn’t too sure what he was meant to get out of this trip, other than a grim satisfaction that the place was as awful as he remembered it being. His therapist had recommended looking for places he had good memories to associate with and starting there. Which wasn’t an easy task.
In fact, Grian only ended up with one place on that list, a local park he would spend his whole afternoon in before being forced to return to his parents’ house. Jimmy didn’t know the place, too young to remember when Grian still used it as his not-so-secret hideout, and so he’d insisted on coming too. The town wasn’t the distant memory for Jimmy that it was for Grian, and he had no clue why the kid wanted to return at all. The entire place was decrepit. If you played a drinking game, taking a shot for every broken window you saw, you’d be dead before you could get to a second street. He’d only agreed to the request when Jimmy had asked for it on his 16th birthday, and like Hell was Grian going to deny him that after everything.
Scar, bless him, had carefully planned the trip to distinctly avoid Grian’s parents house, his old school, and the church, which was a difficult feat due to the layout of the town that was practically stacked on top of itself. The fact they had a park to begin with was a miracle, and probably government enforced now that Grian thought about it. His careful planning didn’t stop them from bumping into every memory Grian had of the place, obviously, but it kept the worst ones at bay.
Despite all of Scar’s efforts, Grian was eventually led into a memory as they passed by a small corner shop he distinctly remembered getting fired from when he was younger than Jimmy was now. They stopped at a set of lights for a moment, and Grian saw himself get thrown out onto the street, badly spraining his wrist in the process, after the owner found out he had taken three chocolate bars that were going out of date soon. He hadn’t thought it would be a big deal and, if he was honest with himself, seeing his siblings enjoy them had made the whole situation worth it at the time.
He'd cheered himself up even more a few years later when Joel had come back from the same shop having taken as much as his backpack could carry from under the horrible man’s nose. If he’d let his disapproving older brother mask slip for a moment, then that was between him and Joel alone.
The car moved on, and Grian was pulled back to reality, the scene in his head fading in the wing mirror, along with the stupid shop.
They were at the park soon enough, and Grian was the last to leave the car after a few deep breaths that filled his lungs as much as they physically could. He watched from behind as his boyfriend looked around the alien landscape, tucked between two buildings with a few alleyways shooting off on either side. It was smaller than Grian remembered, only a few poxy trees strewn about and an abandoned swing set that looked as though it had been stolen from the set of an indie horror movie.
Jimmy wandered over to it as though it were a honing beacon and sat down, causing a loud creaking sound to erupt from the weathered metal, even if the teenager barely weighed enough to stop himself from blowing away. Grian and Scar had tried changing that over the last few months, but it was slow progress.
Scar sat down on the other swing, leaning his cane up against the metal frame and gesturing for Grian to come and join him. The smaller man sat down hesitantly on his boyfriend’s lap and was comforted by the loose belt his arms made as they wrapped their way around his waist. He glanced around the park as though waiting for some event to happen that would make his therapist’s advice suddenly make sense. He was about to huff and drag everyone back to the car when something small tapped the back of his brain.
Grian let the hallucination settled in the back of his mind take over for a moment, knowing that his calm state meant it was one of the nicer ones. He saw himself again, but a bit younger than the one who’s been thrown out of the shop. He was still in his school uniform, a bit crumpled but mostly fine. The others were with him, Jimmy hanging off his shoulders and the older two clinging onto each hand. They were talking about something inconsequential, as children normally do, and it made Grian feel warm inside.
He remembered this afternoon, their parents had left him in charge for a few days and he had been so proud of himself that he’d gotten them all to school, or in Jimmy’s case preschool, on time. It was the only day he’d managed to do that in their parents’ absence, and somewhere in the back of his mind he knew they were going to throw a fit about the other times, but he didn’t have to dwell on that yet. For that one afternoon he could pretend everything was fine.
Younger him sat down under a tree with Jimmy on his lap as he got out his schoolwork, insisting that Joel and Pearl go off and play somewhere else in the park. They didn’t stray too far, often returning to Grian’s side for water or simply to ask him a question. They were somewhat obsessed with Grian’s workbook, impressed by anything that they deemed “Big School” work. Grian chuckled to himself at Joel’s enthusiasm for the boring maths problems, the hindsight of Joel’s later hatred for most schoolwork bearing down on him.
Grian watched as the daylight he knew still surrounded him faded into a deep nighttime, his younger self still engrossed in his book whilst his siblings tired themselves out running around. Another figure appeared in the darkness, and Grian’s heart spiked as he worried his memory was going to veer off elsewhere.
“You kids thinking of getting home soon?” The man said, and Grian vaguely recognised the voice from his childhood, though didn’t know where from, “Your Mum and Dad must be waiting for ya by now. Tea’s probably getting cold on the table as we speak.”
Grian watched as his younger self faltered, probably remembering the fact he had to find something in their empty house for them to eat before bed, though he managed a brave face within moments, “Yes sir.”
He gathered the other kids along with his bag where he’d stuffed all his work, and they headed off down a side street.
Grian stood from the swing set, and absentmindedly followed them, unsure if his boyfriend or brother were following. It was light out still, he knew that, but that didn’t stop his heart from jumping every time he saw his younger self duck between the lamplights that were lit only in his mind, the black sky swallowing him up every few paces, and the older him was jogging now.
He’d stopped coming to the park after this day, and he didn’t want to relive that memory again. Why had his therapist even recommended this trip? It was a stupid idea really, there wasn’t one place in this Godforsaken town where his mind was safe.
His thoughts continued spiralling as he followed himself, it felt like an out-of-body experience even though he was the one in his body, and this boy in front of him wasn’t. He knew this kid’s house was fast approaching, and there was nothing he could do to stop him from getting there. Or stop what would happen when he went inside.
Even though he knew what would happen, he was still scared. That kind of anticipatory fear that most horror movies fail to instil in him anymore. The last corner was coming up and the children disappeared behind it. Grian was running now to keep up with them and had to stop himself by reaching for the brick wall he and Joel used to kick footballs against. He turned, and the sky went blue again.
Grian saw his little brother in the corner of his vision, panting slightly from the race to keep up with him, “It’s gone.”
“Yeah,” Jimmy confirmed, half to assure Grian it wasn’t another part of his delusion, half to assure himself, “I didn’t want to say, thought you should find out on your own.”
Grian nodded slowly, still staring at the empty air where that house had been. The fence was still up, peeling white paint exposing the rotting interior.
“If they hadn’t sent me the papers for its demolition, I would’ve thought Joel had done it.” Jimmy said, laughing in an unfunny huff.
“It’s gone.” Grian repeated.
“Yeah, G, it is.” Jimmy said, reaching out for Grian’s arm, unsure if he was fully there anymore. His older brother turned to him confused for a moment, but Jimmy could see in his eyes that he was behind them. Grian smiled.
“No, not the house.” Grian explained, “Him. The me I was seeing. He’s gone.”
Jimmy tilted his head with a smile, still not completely used to Grian’s inner world, though happy for him nonetheless, “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Grian confirmed, looking back towards the house, “Normally they stay around until Scar makes them go away. But he just disappeared on his own.”
Jimmy smiled more genuinely now, “Or you made it go away on your own.”
A small tear fell from Grian’s eye, but he continued smiling anyway. Scar came up from behind the brothers, where he’d been giving them space, and brought them into a tight hug. Jimmy could feel Scar’s walking stick hit him lightly on the leg, and he felt proud of himself for not flinching.
“I think I’m ready for some ice cream.” Scar said, suddenly reminding Grian of the wager his boyfriend had set up to convince him to take his therapist’s advice in the first place, “There was one just off the highway that looked pretty good, Boatem Ice Cream Parlour, or something like that. And I-”
Grian allowed his boyfriend’s ramblings to fade away in his ears, already knowing that Scar had probably planned the return trip in even more detail than he had the journey there. His attempts to be casual didn’t work on Grian, but Jimmy seemed entertained enough that he was okay with his boyfriend’s antics.
As they returned to the car and drove away, Grian reevaluated his feelings around his hometown. It felt so much smaller, both physically speaking, and the version he had built up in his head.
Somewhat begrudgingly, he had to admit that his therapist might’ve had a point.