Work Text:
“You know, Lu Guang…. How come you never married?”
Lu Guang looked up, a little blindsided by the question. “What?”
Cheng Xiaoshi swirled his drink between his fingers, then set it down on the table. “I was just thinking. We’ve known each other… ten years now? No one caught your eye?”
A small smile tugged at his lips, though he was clearly awkward at the question. He scratched his beard a little. Lu Guang didn’t think he’d ever get used to seeing him with that. His ponytail was gone, too, though that was a clash with an even older memory. His hair had been tidy and cropped close for years now. She had thought the unstyled bedhead looked silly.
They were sitting in the quiet comfort of the back room. The stars above them through the skylight were as unchanging as ever, nostalgic and familiar. Yet when he looked around, all he could see was her, etched into the walls in the way Lu Guang used to be. A throw rug across the couch. Repainted off-white cream walls. Framed pictures from their wedding.
It had been an impulse to drop by, or so he’d told Cheng Xiaoshi. Months had passed since they’d seen each other, and Lu Guang had shown up without announcement on the night he knew she had book club.
“I’m back in town for a work conference. Just escaped a team dinner.” He’d said, and Cheng Xiaoshi had smiled, welcoming him in for a drink to catch up. They’d stayed with lighter topics until now, just the usual format of weather and movies and politics. Like normal friends.
Lu Guang hesitated before addressing Cheng Xiaoshi’s question, steeling himself with a sip from his own glass. “Why do you ask?”
Cheng Xiaoshi shrugged. “Well for all I know, you could have met someone in your new city. It’s not like we call all that often.”
“Sorry about that. Work keeps me occupied.”
Cheng Xiaoshi waved a hand, the ring on his finger glinting in the soft light. “No, I understand. I’m kept busy too. It’s as much your fault as mine.”
It was true. They’d had less time for their friendship even before Lu Guang had moved into his own apartment. Probably since they’d reduced their open hours, and Cheng Xiaoshi had picked up a corporate job at her dad’s company.
The store face didn’t advertise itself as a photo studio anymore, because it wasn’t one. The entrance room had been renovated, making space for a dining table and a small study that looked out onto the street through the large windows. She’d convinced him to convert the darkroom into a proper kitchenette. She loved cooking. She said it was her happy place.
“Didn’t I see on your WeChat you got a promotion recently?”
Cheng Xiaoshi nodded. “I’m now the regional sales manager.”
“Nice. How’s it treating you?”
“Eh, sometimes I miss being a more direct sales representative. I liked customer service. But… it pays better.”
Lu Guang nodded. “Cheers to that.” He lifted his drink, leaning across the distance between their chairs, and Cheng Xiaoshi clinked his glass against his.
They each took a sip, and Cheng Xiaoshi looked at him over the rim of his cup. “You know, you kinda dodged the question back there.”
“Hm?”
“I asked you if you ever thought about marriage.”
“Oh. I guess not.” He shrugged carefully, busying himself by leaning back into his chair.
“Was there any particular reason? Or just no one you’re interested in?”
“He’s aromantic, isn’t he?” He’d heard her whisper to him before, hand lingering on his arm. They stood in the kitchenette, the kettle boiling away behind them. The night they’d had a joking celebration for Cheng Xiaoshi finally paying off his debt to Qiao Ling’s family. Lu Guang hadn’t meant to eavesdrop. They hadn’t noticed him approaching to offer help with the dishes, too wrapped up in their own world, and he’d faltered at the doorway, staying out of sight.
Cheng Xiaoshi paused before he answered. “No… at least, I don’t know. He’s never mentioned anything to me.”
“Well, has he ever dated anyone? The whole time you’ve known him?”
“Well, no.” Cheng Xiaoshi sounded surprised by his own answer, as though only now recognising something he’d taken without question for years. “And I never asked.”
“That’s just like you.” He could feel the warmth of a smile dripping from her words. “You can be so clueless sometimes. What would you do without me?”
There was an answering teasing smile in his voice. “I’d be lost.”
Lu Guang shrugged dismissively at Cheng Xiaoshi’s question. “Yeah, just no one, I guess. Or no one who seemed interested.”
“Oh come onnnn.” Cheng Xiaoshi teased. Long and slow. “Handsome guy like you? I’m sure there would be plenty interested.”
“I suppose not.”
“Have you never liked anyone before?”
Now that was a line of inquiry more dangerous than the last. “Does it matter?”
Cheng Xiaoshi sighed. He sat back in his seat and ran a hand through his hair, stopping short when he reached his neck. “Sometimes I wonder if you were ever honest with me.”
Lu Guang frowned at that answer. “What’s that supposed to mean.”
“You’ve always been cryptic like this. You were never good at expressing your own feelings. Although the funny thing was, you always knew how to reassure me. How to say the right promises at the right times.”
Lu Guang felt guilt rise inside him. Lu Guang had fulfilled the promise he made to himself years ago. The one with a simple resolution; save him. He’d spent so long wishing for the bare minimum, for Cheng Xiaoshi to just be alive, that he’d never dared to plan past that. He’d never been bold enough to question fate, to wish him happy as well, to entertain the idea of taking anything more for himself.
And by the time he could think of Cheng Xiaoshi’s life as something permanent, he’d lost him in another way.
His second pledge, the one Cheng Xiaoshi kept in his heart, had been abandoned the second he got married, Lu Guang erasing his presence from his regular life out of selfish cowardice. Because keeping his promise and seeing him with her had hit the point where it hurt more than the idea of forsaking him.
“You just want me to tell you the truth?” He asked.
A shrug lifted Cheng Xiaoshi’s shoulders. “Hell, hasn’t it been long enough?”
“I wanted to keep my promises. But you didn’t need them anymore, and I was just fooling myself. So I left.”
Cheng Xiaoshi’s brows were furrowed. “What kind of answer is that?"
“You got married. You didn’t need me anymore.”
“In what world would I no longer need my best friend– my best man?”
Lu Guang fell silent.
“See this is what I’m talking about. You never give me a clear sign of your feelings.”
The cage doors to the longing Lu Guang had locked up in his heart started to rattle, everything he felt begging for itself to be known. He told himself he’d let go of Cheng Xiaoshi, let go of that stupid attachment, left him to live his life without him. And yet he still found himself coming back here. The one person he could never lie to was himself.
“There was someone.” He said at length. “But nothing ended up happening between us.”
Cheng Xiaoshi unleashed a cheshire grin. “Ah, we’re finally getting somewhere! What were they like?”
Lu Guang met his eyes. “They were everything to me for a while. Sometimes I know they still are. But they never liked me back, so I stayed with them until I couldn’t bear it.”
The grin on Cheng Xiaoshi’s face faded. “You… used to like me?”
“Awfully much.” Lu Guang knew there was no point denying it anymore. “I used to catch myself staring. I wanted to care for you like no one else. Do anything to see you smile, hear you laugh. It was my least favourite thing in the world to say no to you. I’d dream of your arms around mine. Of what it would be like to kiss you. And when I didn’t dream I used to lie there in the dark and listen to you breathe as you slept. I wanted to be with you for eternity.”
Cheng Xiaoshi stared at him, his face a mask of stone.
“And I’m sorry I never told you. I just knew it would just make things awkward.”
“Awkward, huh?” Cheng Xiaoshi’s voice sounded a little strained, and a chuckle built up in his throat. “Definitely awkward.”
“It’s not like I’ll do anything about it.” Lu Guang assured. “I won’t come between your marriage.”
Cheng Xiaoshi drained his glass in one sip, then placed it on the table. “You know, Lu Guang, you could have opened your mouth sooner than ten years.”
“I didn’t see why I needed to, if nothing would change.”
“If nothing…” Cheng Xiaoshi shook his head. “Do you know how many times you broke my heart, Lu Guang?”
“I… what?”
“How many times you promised me everything I could ever have needed? How many times I convinced myself you did and didn’t love me back? How many times I told myself not to be impulsive and ruin everything? We could have worked. We could have tried to work.”
“You… you liked me?”
“Yes!” Cheng Xiaoshi said frustratedly. “For years upon years! I liked you so much it drove me crazy.”
“But…” Lu Guang’s head was spinning. “I never knew. You never gave me a chance.”
“You missed your chance. I spent six years of my life waiting for you before I dated her. At some point I had to give up. I had to get out. I was sick of hoping for nothing. My heart couldn’t take it.”
“But you never… there was…”
“You never indicated that you liked me. What was I supposed to do?”
“But I always liked you. I- Cheng Xiaoshi, I still do.”
Cheng Xiaoshi’s face crumpled a little at that. “Well I’m sorry about that. But I gave you ample opportunity. I even gave you a last resort. On my bachelor’s night.”
On his bachelor’s night, Cheng Xiaoshi had been drunk. He’d been more touchy-feely than usual, even compared to how they used to be, before he’d started dating her and she’d had a word with him about it. Lu Guang had missed the weight of his arm slung comfortably around his shoulders. The pressure of his head leaning into him. His hands playfully ruffling his hair. He missed it, and his soul ached.
Xia Fei had put feelers out for another round, and Cheng Xiaoshi had jumped up, volunteering to harass the bartender. He’d grabbed Lu Guang for company, and Lu Guang had let himself be dragged, intoxicated more by the now unfamiliar feeling of his warm fingers wrapped close around his.
Instead of the bar, he’d backed Lu Guang into a corner. Had leaned into his space. Needy hands had smoothed down his collar, tightened in the fabric. His eyes had flickered to his lips. And Lu Guang, heart beating out of his chest, fear rising in his throat, had pushed him away.
He’d taken up a job offer in a different city before they were even back from their honeymoon.
“That is not fair. You- you were drunk. How was I supposed to know you actually wanted me?”
“Why do you think I was drunk?” Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes flashed.
Lu Guang looked at him, speechless.
“It was the night before my wedding.” He spelled out. “Nothing like a deadline to spur on desperation.”
“But you still went ahead with it.” Lu Guang said in disbelief.
“You gave me a pretty clear no.” Cheng Xiaoshi stated.
They hadn’t spoken about it the next day. Cheng Xiaoshi had joked about a hangover, and Lu Guang had helped him get ready, pointing out his crooked bowtie rather than daring to straighten it himself. He’d stood dutifully behind him during the ceremony. Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes had lit up as she walked down the aisle, and he’d smiled like she’d hung the stars in the sky, and he’d taken her hands in his.
“It wasn’t a pretty clear question.” He retorted, anger rising within him.
“I thought six years was enough time for questions.”
“Not when all those years ended with having to watch the love of my life get married to someone else.”
“What other choice did I have?” Cheng Xiaoshi’s voice broke a little.
“What choice did I have? I was best man at that wedding. Do you know how that felt for me? That you could- that you wanted to kiss me not because you wanted to but because of what, cold feet? And that you wanted to use me of all people for that? It was a slap in the face to all my feelings – to everything I gave up for you.”
Cheng Xiaoshi was shaking his head. “Gave up-? And it wasn’t just ‘cold feet’ – I wasn’t second guessing marrying her, I was second guessing you!”
“How was I supposed to know that!”
“Fine! Fine. You couldn’t have known. Instead you ran away to a different city because I made you so uncomfortable by trying to force myself on you.”
“It wasn’t because of that! I wasn’t uncomfortable. I hated myself, because I barely had the self-control to stop you.”
“And I wish you hadn’t even had that.” Cheng Xiaoshi said.
“I don’t. The only thing I had left in life was to do right by you. I’d never let my personal feelings get in the way of that.”
“Then maybe… you should have. To save us both a world of hurt.”
“You know I couldn’t.”
Cheng Xiaoshi let out an exhale, the fight flooding out of him. Lu Guang felt the same, shame and helplessness pooling in his stomach. They sat in silence for a moment, the stars winking from above over the unfamiliar living room.
“So… what now?” Lu Guang asked.
Cheng Xiaoshi sighed. He picked up his glass, noted it was empty, then set it down again. “I love her.” He said simply, quietly. “Not as much as the fire I once loved you with, but that fire hurt me too much. She’s safe. And she loves me.”
And that was all that really needed to be said. Lu Guang would never stand between Cheng Xiaoshi and happiness. Not knowingly.
When Lu Guang finished his drink, they stood and Cheng Xiaoshi showed him to the door. “She’ll get back home from book club soon. Don’t tell her about the drinks. She has us doing dry July.” He winked, indicating it was their secret. Lu Guang knew he’d never tell her.
“I’ll drop by next time I have another conference.” He said as he stepped out into the night.
“Don’t be a stranger.” Cheng Xiaoshi replied, and closed the door behind him.