Chapter Text
BEFORE
The afternoon after sophomore year came to an end, Kyle stayed over at Cartman's to celebrate.
As typical of early June, it was boiling hot. The two-way AC Cartman got with his mechanic tip cranked as it worked over time.
Even going downstairs to retrieve beers in the fridge felt like a Herculean task for Cartman, who’s spinning on a gaming chair, and Kyle, who’s lying on Cartman’s bed and staring at the ceiling.
Although the school year literally just ended, Kyle had exactly one week before his parents dragged him to New Jersey to visit his mom's relatives in the East Coast. Because he was there every single time the Cartmans went on vacation, both of them thought Cartman was allowed to come on the Broflovskis' family trip too.
Well, he should be able to. Kyle would die if he had to brave his overly invasive and calculative relatives (not a Jewish stereotype, it's just how they are) by his lonesome.
"Ey, we should try disco fries."
Even without looking, Kyle could tell his best friend was salivating over some annoying foodtuber's vlog. That’s all Cartman had been doing these days, looking up heart-attack-inducing food to try on his first time to New Jersey.
"You're such a fat ass," Kyle said, "but yeah, we totally should. They're awesome."
There was the sound of the chair creaking and typing as Cartman added "disco fries" to his list of things to do in New Jersey. Kyle continued staring at white drywall, a million thoughts racing through his head.
Truth was, he was so fucking excited he didn't know what to do.
He disliked his relatives, but he couldn't deny that New Jersey was so much cooler than South Park. They have proper museums, an entire street dedicated to food, and so much to see.
For the last 2 years, every time he went there with his family, he wished Cartman was there with him too so they could drift to the back and do their own things. He wished his best friend was there as he discovered a way to get into the storage room of the Newark Museum unnoticed, and he wished Cartman was there when he tried every food at the street fair with his family.
And Cartman would be there. Next week.
"Are you hallucinating, Kahl? Why are you smiling at my ceiling?"
Kyle couldn't see Cartman’s face, but brown hair hovered in his peripheral vision. He must have wandered over when Kyle was deep in Imaginationland.
Chuckling, because that's apparently Kyle's default reaction to anything Cartman says now, he raised up a middle finger. “Fuck off.”
Cartman took that as an invitation to plop down on the spot next to him on the bed. He missed a little and his head landed on Kyle’s ribs, earning a light grunt.
"Fuck, that hurts."
“Sorry," Cartman apologized noncommittally as he slid down the Kyle's side like a big slug. "Can we go here? This shit looks mouthwatering.”
“That’s what she said. Where the fuck is that?” Kyle attempted to make his voice grouchier, although the pain was already melting away, replaced by warmth. His best friend's body heat was very toasty, especially in contrast to the cool AC-ed air.
“Can-teen-hoe Dah-voe-”
Cartman couldn't finish butchering the Portuguese name before he burst out in laughter. Kyle joined in, although, his five years of straight As in Spanish did compel him to smack his best friend at the same time.
Because they woke up late, Kyle didn't return home until afternoon the next day. He ignored his mom's judgmental cluck and his dad's questioning stare as he crossed the living room to the stairs.
"Dinner's in 20! Tell your brother!" Sheila called after him.
"'Kay!" Kyle replied without remembering the latter half. His head was still in the cloud, fantasizing about the hundreds of things he and Cartman could do in in his hometown.
He didn't land back on the ground even when he's walking down the stairs 20 minutes later. Ike, who miraculously could smell the food from his room and came out without being asked, ran by him.
"Bro, why are you smiling? It's so creepy."
Kyle stopped in his tracks.
"No, I'm not." His brows furrowed when he realized he was indeed smiling. "And my smile is not creepy."
"Sure bro," his little brother deadpanned before zipping past him.
Kyle didn't feel too bad when Ike got scolded by Sheila for running down the stairs.
Almost done with the latkes on his plate, Kyle remembered he needed to tell his parents that Cartman was going.
The moment the words left his mouth, a tense silence descended over the table, but he had attributed it to surprise.
Slowly, Sheila Broflovski shook her head. Kyle thought it was just her hair getting into her mouth.
"No Kyle. Cartman can't come with us."
“Why?” He frowned, perplexed.
“He’s not our relative, bubbe. Also, he has his own hometown to go to,” she explained.
Kyle arched an eyebrow, not so subtly reminding her of Cartman’s circumstances.
It took his mom a few seconds to get it. When she did, her eyes widened and she hurried to correct herself. “He can go to Liane’s hometown?”
Kyle suppressed the urge to roll his eyes, not wanting to make a bad example for Ike, who was only 11. Instead, he calmly set down his cutleries and took a deep breath.
“He got molested by his maternal uncle when he was young, Mom.” He enunciated each word, making sure they sink in this time.
The effect was immediate. His parents gasped. Even Ike, who was busy shoveling brisket into his mouth, stopped chewing.
Meanwhile, Kyle was unimpressed. He was pretty sure he had told them this before. They just forgot.
“So, can he go?” He asked again, his voice no longer hopeful but confirmatory.
Sheila’s mouth opened and closed, but no sound came out. Eventually, Gerald had to speak up for her.
“Kyle, this is a family gathering. It’s … inappropriate for him to be there with us.”
Maybe it was a habit developed during his career as a lawyer, or maybe it was just how Gerald was, but Kyle detested how gentle his voice was, how condescending. It made him feel stupid although he was already 16, took everything honor and was on track for Valedictorian along with Wendy Testaburger.
Of course he knew Cartman wasn’t family.
“Really?” He arched an eyebrow, barely managing to keep the annoyance out of his voice. “Who decides that? Last year Menorah brought over her friends and it was fine.”
The table fell into silence again. Kyle stood up to put his plate in the sink loudly, meaning that the conversation was over and he will bring Cartman regardless of his parent’s excuses.
When he was halfway to the stairs, Sheila managed to find her voice again.
“Bubbe, where will Cartman stay if he goes to New Jersey with us? You remember the room you shared with your cousins-”
He had to interrupt her. Does his parents not listen when he talks about Cartman?
“He has a job. He can pay for an Airbnb. We can stay there while you guys stay at the house.”
“Hey Kyle, can I stay with you?” Ike piped up. Kyle turned back to give the little guy a thumb up. Just like there’s always a seat for Ike in Cartman’s truck, his little brother will always be welcomed to stay with them.
Just before he went up the stairs, his dad tapped loudly on the table. He really was a condescending man. Instead of calling his son over, he tapped the table like he was giving orders to a pet.
Out of obligation only, Kyle turned around and waited.
Gerald cleared his throat a couple of times.
“That’s the problem, Kyle. You and Cartman staying together. It looks g-gay.”
Kyle’s eyes bulged out of his head. He couldn’t believe his ears. Why the fuck would his dad think that?
“It would look like you’re debuting your new boyfriend to the whole family!” Gerald continued, his voice growing strained. “Which is okay. You can love whoever you want, Kyle. But Cartman's a troubled kid. He may say antisemitic things to your aunts or uncles, or even the kids-”
"What are you on about? We're only friends!" Was the only thing Kyle could retort. His head was still spinning.
"We know, bubbe. But other people who look at you two may think differently-"
Great. Now his mom was in on it too.
"It doesn't matter what other people think! We're friends!"
His outburst only concerned his parents further. They shared a look before turning their attention back to him, their expressions pleading for him to do… what? See that close male friendship is gay?
The straw that broke the camel's back was Ike side-eyeing him although he already hung out with Kyle and Cartman a few times. He knew they were just friends.
When Kyle narrowed his eyes at him questioningly, Ike shrugged.
It is what it is, bro.
After that, Kyle didn't want to hear the rest of what anyone had to say anymore. He stomped up to his room, making sure to slam the door so hard the house shook.
For a second, the shame of acting like a spoiled child enveloped him, until he remembered that everyone except him was in the wrong and jumped on the bed with a huff.
He immediately pulled out his phone to text Cartman. Halfway through, he realized he was proving his family right and stopped.
But it isn’t gay to want to spend time with his best friend all the time. He did that with Stan for 10 years straight and his parents didn’t make as much as a pip. He didn’t even develop an attraction to Stan, although maybe it was because they were prepubescent at the time.
What makes hanging out with Cartman different then? There's his parent's blatant dislike for him, although Cartman hadn't pull an insidious scheme in a while now. The most they do together is chug beers while looking at the stars. Sometimes drug is involved, but everyone their age does it and their parents did even more during their own teen years, so it's fine.
Kyle thought so hard he almost didn’t notice when his phone buzzed. It was Cartman, adding another thing to their shared list of what to do once they’re in New Jersey.
Kyle scrambled to stop him.
Kyle:
Hold up
My parents may not let you come
Cartman:
so?
Kyle:
No like genuinely
He didn’t know what to say next. He couldn’t exactly say the reason was that his parents didn’t want Cartman to look like his boyfriend. But he didn’t want to go to his hometown alone and disappoint Ike either.
Kyle:
I’ll try again but no guarantee
A few minutes later, Cartman texted him.
Cartman:
or you can just not tell them
go to nj with your fam, tell them your going somewhere and hang out with me
pretend to be kidnapped for a week then return home
Just like every other plan of Cartman, it was crazy yet plausible. Kyle took a minute to think about it before he realized that in the slim chance his parents find out it was Cartman he was staying with, they can never hang out again.
Kyle:
*you're
My parents will know
Cartman:
how
its completely normal for minors to get kidnapped in nj
Kyle:
You're making that up
Cartman:
nope
check the news
Kyle did. Cartman was right, there were two kidnapping cases in the last week alone. Still he was more worried about what would happen if their plan failed.
In the end, the anxiety prompted him do it the honest way. Gay or not, he would be crushed if he couldn’t be friends with Cartman anymore. The visit was only for one week, anyway. They could be apart for one week.
Gerald and Sheila doubled down on their refusal the next day. An hour later, while Kyle was stewing with anger in his room, Ike knocked on his door, only to ask if he and Cartman had had gay sex yet. Whatever expression Kyle made at that moment made him run back to his room like a spooked animal. As if that wasn’t enough, Cartman didn’t react calmly when he delivered the news.
“What’s so hard about lying to your family?!” He had screamed, over and over.
“What if my family knows it’s you? They’ll fucking separate us, fat ass!” Kyle had whisper-shouted back, in case Ike could hear through the thin wall and make even more presumptions about his and Cartman's relationship.
“Then I’ll climb through your window, Jew! If they bar the window too just report them for child abuse.”
Kyle wasn’t sure if the current Cartman could fit through his window without breaking a few things. He also realized they were sounding a lot like the gay version of Romeo and Juliet.
“Whatever,” he tried to make his voice calm, changing tactics, “it’s just one week, Cartman. We're going to be fine.”
It didn’t drive the conversation in a more platonic-sounding direction like he had hoped. Instead, it made things worse.
Cartman practically exploded.
“No it ISN'T fucking fine. It’s ONE week! What the fuck am I supposed to do without YOU in ONE week?!”