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Tim was back to attending his support group after being discharged from hospital. These weekly morning sessions were now a part of his routine. Of course, the therapist was aware of him surviving the wildfire last week.
“Tim, how has your experience been impacting you?”
Tim was surprised that the lingering distress was not related to the fire itself but was about Lucy’s rejection of him. “I told Lucy that I love her. But…she didn’t say it back.”
Tim noticed a few heads nodding in sympathy.
“I mean, I assumed that she still loves me but her not saying so really stung. So I just held her, as the fires swept over us, I held her. At that time, I was thinking that I was keeping her safe. But I realize now that having her close took the sting away. Protecting her was for me as much as it was for her. So I guess I was being selfish again.”
Tim looked up to the therapist’s kind eyes. With a grimace, he added, “I know, I know…I’m blaming myself again…I do that a lot, don’t I?”.
Everyone chuckled.
“Okay, let me try that again.” Tim amended. “I wasn’t sure if we were going to make it, and I wanted Lucy to know that I…didn’t stop loving her.”
When he stopped there, the therapist prompted. “And…”
With some reluctance, Tim added, “And that it was okay for me to hope that she still loves me…even if I don’t deserve it.”
The therapist scanned the group. “Let’s observe how our body is reacting to that. For me, my chest just tightened, it’s a painful feeling…thinking that we don’t deserve something, or someone, we want.”
There was shifting around him, possibly everyone adjusting their seats as an attempt to ease their own discomfort.
“I invite everyone to see what’s happening for them when a “thought” like that comes up. Notice if there are old memories or future fears surfacing.”
There was a long pause.
“That thought can really shut us down, huh?”
Again, more nods.
“Lets take a breath.” She demonstrated for the group as she slowly inhaled then exhaled. “Imagine: what if you had an alternate thought: that you do deserve Lucy’s love - all of it, not just crumbs or small doses - how will that change how you interact with her next time?”
Drawing from a previous conversation, the therapist suggested, “Or perhaps another alternate thought: that loving her mattered more? How will you act differently? I’d like you to think about that. Okay?”
She waited for Tim to acknowledge this before adding, “I’m glad you’re both safe right now.”
“Thanks.” Tim replied. He then listened as Luke, another veteran, shared feelings of guilt for having survived an ambush in Iraq while his friends did not.
***
Tim hovered around the hallway near the elevator until he saw a glimpse of Lucy walking out of the locker room. He slowed his pace until she caught up to him. She smiled, showing no surprise to see him there. He pressed the elevator button for both of them.
“First day of Ridley’s investigation today, how did it go?”
“Grey and I did a thorough review of all his case notes. Tomorrow, we go over the body cams. It doesn’t feel good, you know?”
Tim wanted to suppprt her, so he reigned in his own anger about the new rookie’s negligence. “You’re doing the right thing, Lucy.”
She entered the elevator with Tim following behind her.
They seemed to have found some level of intimacy in the silent moments here, so Tim took a leap and said, “Listen, I still have those audio books. Want to stop by my place on your way home?”
Lucy stood side by side with Tim, a questioning frown on her forehead. It was as if she was sifting through many fleeting thoughts and she wavered back and forth.
Tim thought about what was discussed this morning in therapy so in a more decisive statement, Tim said, “I’d really like a chance to talk with you. Will you let me get us some dinner tonight?
Lucy looked almost relieved.
She sneaked a glance up. Tim offered her a small smile. He saw it now, this walking on eggshells to maintain a status quo was taking a toll on both of them.
“Yeah, okay.”
His smile grew wider. “Thank you.”
***
Lucy was on the couch, looking through his collection of recorded audio. Tim kept them stacked neatly inside a black leather box.
He handed her a cup of her favourite tea, and a crumbl cookie on a plate.
Lucy teased, grabbing the cup and taking a sip. “Wow, you really kept them all!”
Tim took a sip of his own beer and smirked, “Of course, I can’t remember now who narrated them but it should help you prepare for your sergeant’s exam.”
Lucy laughed.
He guessed now would be a good time.
“Lucy, I want to tell you something.”
All remnants of ease disappeared, replaced by looks of wary. Lucy bit her lower lip, and despite a quick glance to the door, she remained seated.
Tim took that as permission to continue.
“One of the things that I love about you is…you see the best in everyone, including me. Being with you, it makes me feel and see that good in me too. But that night…walking out of that interrogation room after reliving what happened in Mosul and lying to people I respected…I…I hated myself. I thought I was doing the right thing by separating you from the mess that I was. I didn’t know how to be with you when all I saw was me…failing. I couldn’t get past thinking that you deserved better.”
She was shaking her head no, “That wasn’t for you to decide. Tim, I wanted to be with you. To work through that together.”
“I see that now. I’m sorry that I hurt you. I’m so so sorry Lucy.”
Tentatively, Lucy said, “Being with you is easy. I love you. So much. It’s tempting to pretend that everything will be okay if we try again. But you broke my trust, Tim. So very quickly, you made a decision that was convenient for you without any regard for me.”
Lucy leaned back and looked at Tim. Her features soft but her voice was steady as if she had thought about her next words many times. “Tim, the truth is..I’m scared. I don’t know if I can trust you when..not if..but when you start thinking again that I’m better off without you. Life is complicated and let’s be honest, you’re you!! At some point, you’re going to want to protect me from one thing or another. It took everything I had to move forward after you broke up with me. I can’t, no, I don’t want to go through that again.”
Tim wiped the tears on Lucy’s cheeks. He closed his eyes because seeing how much his actions hurt her was making him spiral in shame. The nasty voice in his head was reminding him that he was right all along, that all he brought Lucy was pain and she was better off without him. The anger turned inward was simmering hot.
A part of him had this strong urge to stop this conversation and admit defeat. Tim gritted his teeth and fought.
Resting his forehead on her shoulder, he willed himself to stay in her presence, in her sweet scent, in the warmth of her hand on his chest… he clung to her to help him stay in the present and what he knew to be true.
He loved her. And loving her mattered more than anything.
Lucy knew Tim better than anyone and she still chose him. He wanted her back and he wanted the world with her. He wanted everything with her. He wanted those dreams she promised him, of telling their grandkids about their first date. He wanted all the big moments and small moments that would lead them there.
Tim let his fingers tangle with Lucy’s hair. He placed soft kisses where his lips met skin above her heart until both their heartbeats were even.
“Lucy, I’m an idiot. There’s a high probability that I will do something stupid. But I promise you, I will never walk away again.”
Very slowly, Tim declared. “Whenever you feel scared, you’ll see me here until you can forgive me and let me love you again.”
Tim’s right hand traced her shoulder, down to her heart, and abdomen, and gently but firmly landing on her hip. His implications clear. With all his hopes and dreams, “I want everything with you, Lucy. I want to make you happy. And I’m sorry that I gave you reasons to ever doubt me.”
It was Lucy’s turn to wipe his tears. With wonder, she said, “Tim, I…believe you.”
It surprised Tim how much these words lit a fire inside him that had dimmed in her absence. “Yeah?” He whispered.
Lucy nodded and with all the reverence she deserved, he kissed her and never let go.
***
I’ve loved watching season 7, and my mind needed this after what Lucy and Tim went through in Wildfire. Thank you for reading!