Chapter Text
In the starry night, the moon gleamed with light provided by the sun. Leaves bristled and swayed in the cool midnight breeze and critters scurried about in search of food. Moonlight cascaded through the window and shone onto the bandages of a certain brunette. His messy, unkempt hair swayed gently from the natural wind that drafted in through the open window.
The bright light of his phone flashed onto his face and lit the room up dimly as the bandaged man swiped endlessly at his phone screen. He scrutinized each photo he swiped to, the facial features of the ginger’s face and his bright blue eyes that the suicidal maniac could stare into for eternity.
If only he could forever stare into them in real life, though doing that would probably agitate the hat fanatic. Dazai, the bandage-covered and suicidal brunette, sighed as he slumped further into his bed, placing his phone to the side and staring at the now pitch-black ceiling before his eyes adjusted to the dark and he was able to see subtly.
He had a complex relationship with Chuuya, the ginger port mafia member who had a cute obsession with hats. The two fought frequently but still cared for each other, having risked their own lives multiple times for the other.
The bandage-wasting freak never told anyone though about how his heart raced and how numerous ugly butterflies would fill his stomach at the sight of the red-haired man.
He figured out why a few months after he discovered his feelings when he researched it through books and found matching symptoms with the protagonist in some romantic novels that he had skimmed through. He also found out through an accidental confession which had the ginger reject him harshly, most likely thinking of it as a joke, nevertheless, it still stung as he had tried to play it off.
Dazai slumped back into the bed more, a little embarrassed that he was still not over that rejection. He always stated he liked women and would frequently flirt with them, but that was all a cover-up so that people didn’t know he liked men. He placed his phone by the bedside table, not even bothering to set an alarm like always, and pulled the blanket up, waiting for a few seconds before he kicked it off, perspiration damping the nape of his neck.
The night breeze seemed to not help with the irritating heat and he envied those who had the money to buy a fan. The slight tightness in his lungs did not help the situation as he forced his eyes shut and tossed left and right to sleep, hoping he could get even a little shut-eye this week.
The old clock on Dazai’s bedside table ticked towards two a.m. as Dazai felt his chest burn, his lungs feeling even tighter and preventing him even further from sleeping. He had been smoking a little more recently so maybe that was karma biting him back. Would death by his lungs dying hurt? Dazai surely hoped it didn’t since he could finally taste the sweet relief of moving into the afterlife.
Though, that’s what the Dazai a few months would think. Surprisingly, he’s been cutting back on Suicide attempts recently and he’s even been growing hesitant to do suicide. And it was not because he hadn’t found a “beautiful woman to commit suicide with him”. It was actually all because of a certain ginger port mafia member. He was really head over heels, wasn’t he…?The suicidal maniac slumped even further into his bed, groaning at the bed frame stabbing his back because of his cheap mattress. He tried to close his eyes and sleep but ended up just tossing and turning as the clock ticked to morning.
The sun rose over the city, making the buildings in Yokohama sparkle as the citizens began their daily commute. Dazai lay in his bed still, having no energy or motivation to get up. He snatched his phone from the bedside table and scrolled through all the photos of Chuuya that he had secretly taken since Chuuya would slap him if he had asked. The sun soon rose further and he was about an hour late to work when he finally managed to break his sight from the screen. He wiped a hand across his face, groaning as his eyebags resurfaced. Cajoling his legs, he slothfully got off his bed and trudged to his bathroom, grabbing some concealer he had stolen from a lady on a sidewalk.
He was not going to the ADA as a bandaged-covered panda, he did not want the others to pity him. He made sure the concealer looked normal before he shoved it in his pocket just in case he needed it and threw on his usual outfit that had probably gone days without being washed yet. He tossed a piece of mint in his mouth since he was too lazy to brush his teeth and reluctantly went to work, putting on his regular playful expressions.
——————
“DAZAI!!! YOU ARE AN HOUR, THIRTY MINUTES AND SIXTEEN SECONDS LATE!” Kunikida yelled at the top of his lungs, bolting out of his desk and to the brunette who chuckled leisurely when he came from the door.
“No need to bite my head off, Kunikida. I was actually about to be on time but I had thought of a new suicide method and just had to try it out!” The brunette chuckled and sparkled with delight at his idea.
“It’s always about suicide with you! Can you please not try that again? I don’t want to have to save you from drowning again!” The glasses-wearing man tapped his foot, his hands on his hips as he gritted his teeth
“You really scared me that day, Dazai-san!” Atsushi leaned back from his chair to get a better view of Dazai, still a little worried as he recalled how concerned he was to see some random man upside down in a riverbank. Dazai plainly just laughed it off and placed his hands in his coat’s pocket.
“You all are just worrywarts! You should actually be sad that my attempts fail. And I still haven’t found my beautiful woman yet…!” He pouts and places the back of a hand to his forehead to act sad dramatically. Kunikida rolled his eyes and Atsushi just sighs worriedly, some of the other members chuckling in the back at their desks.
“Whatever… Have you eaten at all by the way? At this time you should have eaten already.” Kunikida suddenly adds, his voice now laced with concern and seriousness. Dazai paused before he quickly regained himself and waved a hand,
“Of course I have Kunikida, you really are a worrywart!” Ranpo’s face scrunches in the background as Kunikida sighs and lifts his glasses to sit better on his face.
“I sure hope so then. Please eat, it isn’t something to joke about.” Dazai mentally winces at those words a little. Eating full meals is easier said than done. He always never had an appetite or just was too tired and unmotivated to do anything, nonetheless eat for that matter. He acts his usual chuckle and pats Kunikida’s back, riling Kunikida up and getting him distracted.
The day went by normally with everyone doing work while Dazai lazed around on the couch, pretending to read his suicide manual as Kunikida chided him every now and then for being so slothful. He never understood how people fell for his “I figured out a new suicide method” excuse. He had been suicidal or at least eight or more years, it’s not possible to have found that many suicide methods and still have more. He flipped mindlessly through the book and saw a page about the Port Mafia tower, something about how you could jump from it. His fingers paused at the page corner as he was about to flip, his face turning a bright shade of red as images of a red-hair bombarded his mind again.
He cocked his head back onto the sofa’s armrest and mentally sighed before almost groaning in annoyance at how entranced he was. He managed to hold his groan back just in time before the other members possibly stared at him and suspected something was actually wrong. He wasn’t sure if Ranpo saw him, if he did, he didn’t show it. Though Ranpo didn’t show many things he knew about the members. Dazai was ninety-nine percent sure Ranpo knew about how mentally-ill he actually was and how head over heels he was for a certain member of the mafia.
He ran a palm over his face and took a silent breath, going back to acting as normal as he could as he quickly flipped past the port mafia building and continued to mindlessly flip the other pages, trying to seem normal while also distracting himself from his very-long-and-pathetic crush. However, that was only achievable on his dreams. Whatever page he turned to, he saw Chuuya. Death by getting run over by a car, reminded Dazai of when he blew Chuuya’s car up. Not the best reminder but a reminder nonetheless.
Death by overdose, it reminded Dazai of how Chuuya loved to drink wine, though he definitely would not want Chuuya to overdose on wine. Even when he looked away from his book, he saw Chuuya, the orange pillows like his hair, one of Ranpo’s hat on a rack like how Chuuya loved hats. Everything reminded him to Chuuya. His crush was starting to get concerning.
He tilted his head up to the clock hanging on the ADA’s walls, looking past Kunikida who was doing paperwork at a world record speed. The hands on the clock ticked to 12:30, signalling that their lunch was soon. The last he checked the clock was before he flipped through his suicide manual at 11:00. Had he really spent an hour and a half just flipping through a manual and thinking about Chuuya? This crush was very concerning.
The door to Fukuzawa’s office expectantly opened to have him emerge and release everyone for lunch, Kunikida groaning to himself about how Dazai had not done anything at all as usual. Everyone got their items needed and left to eat lunch, Atsushi going over to Dazai to chat which made Dazai hold back a groan, wanting to just be alone. As Atsushi rambled on about work, Dazai just tuned him out, staring in the direction of the port Mafia building.
“I wonder how Chuuya’s doing…” He mumbled to himself accidentally as Atsushi raised a brow
“What did you say, Dazai-san?” Dazai paused and panicked a bit before he regained himself and chuckled.
“Nothing you need to worry your little head over, Atsushi,” He closed his eyes, smiling as he lifted a hand to lightly pat Atsushi on the head, ruffling his hair a little.
Atsushi just plainly raised a brow before Dazai starting to run to their destination, making Atsushi grow panicked and starting to chase in confusion. Dazai had just done so to distract Atsushi and was soon huffing, hunched over and using his hands to hold him up as they pressed on his thighs. He chuckled at Atsushi slowly slowing his steps as he panted profusely, trying to speak but too out of breath to do so.
The two had their lunch which was some good-old classic ramen as Dazai mentally prayed for lunch to end so Atsushi could just leave him alone. He wanted to just have a glass of alcohol and scroll through his Chuuya photos instead of deal with Atsushi ramble on about how much he hated Akutagawa (He doubted ‘hate’ was true).
After a long, painstaking hour and a half, lunch ended and the two made their way back to the agency. Dazai slumped into the sofa, giving his usual excuse of “I’m too lazy to do dumb paperwork” before he took his suicide manual out again, the other members going to their individual desk as Kunikida lectured him about his laziness before doing his own work.
The rest of the day was absolute boredom. Dazai spent hours just flipping back and forth while thinking of Chuuya. He was so bored he even considered doing work for once, though he was too unmotivated to move from the couch and ended up just sleeping to pass the time. Unlike other days, the ADA really just spent the whole day doing paperwork, no missions or any cases to solve.
Usually, Dazai hoped for no missions since he was usually too tired to move, but now he just wanted an excuse to get the hot-tempered red-head out his mind. His hand itched and his legs were basically whispering to move as his eyes trailed to the direction of the port mafia building. Chuuya. He really wanted to see Chuuya. It would be risky since he’d probably get in trouble with the ADA for it and who knows what Mori might do if he was caught roaming around there.
His eyes glanced back to the port mafia building’s way one last time before he mentally groaned and stood up, smiling and stretching as he pretended to use the bathroom. He locked the door to drown out Kunikida’s chides and squeezed through a window in the bathroom, climbing down and making his way to the port mafia building.
While also ignoring the abrasion he got when he almost lost his balance and fell down two stories. He would have let it happened had he not been so in love that he didn’t want to die anymore.
He sighed and raked a hand through his bangs, slowly trudging to the gigantic tower where Chuuya worked. He looked up at the looming building, knowing he was really going crazy to be risking things like this.
“I really need help,” he mumbled to himself and ran a hand over his face before sneaking in. He had grown used to the position of the guards because he used to sneak out when Mori wasn’t looking during his time in the mafia. Mori was a little dumb yet smart in not changing the guards positions, half because Dazai could easily sneak in and out, half because Mori wanted Dazai to sneak in.
Once he finally made it in, he snuck toward Chuuya’s office, thinking about how to act when he entered. Maybe he could just say a hello? But that felt too simple. He could possibly say he had a surprise for Chuuya, but he didn’t actually have anything and Chuuya would be suspicious of him since it wasn’t like Dazai to just gift his “adversary” something for no reason. Maybe he could just jumpscare Chuuya as a joke? But Chuuya might hate him more and he didn’t really want that.
Dazai’s mind raced with what to do but everything he thought of had setbacks. Technically him just being there might be an issue. However, before he could decide on something to do, he had already reached Chuuya’s office and his heart raced in anxiety. He let out a shaky breath that he didn’t know he was holding and decided to just peak first, so that he could see if it was an appropriate time for him to be there.
“Don’t worry, Kanako, I will. See you later, I love you,” Chuuya spoke into his phone, he had a relaxed yet entranced smile and his face was flushed, he placed the phone down and seemed quite giddy after that call, going back to his work with jubilance still.
Dazai’s heart sank. His eyes widened a fraction and he felt his hands trembled. Chuuya was too endeared to notice Dazai peaking and Dazai almost slammed the door from devastation. He panted and his mind raced again after he controlled himself and quietly closed the door before panicking. “This couldn’t be happening,” He mumbled to himself over and over, his eyes shaking as he clenched his teeth in despair. He didn’t even need to think twice, he knew what he saw. The love in Chuuya’s eyes were not something fake or easy to misinterpret. Chuuya was in love with someone else. Chuuya was most likely dating them. Dazai’s heart sank further, the thought in his head making it sting even more as he felt tears well up in the edges of his eyes.
“No, no, no, no,” He shook his head, his body trying to deny it but his heart knowing he had to accept the truth. He buried his face in his hands, scrunching his eyes as his brows furrowed. He could hear Chuuya mumble something and couldn’t take it anymore. He felt a tear roll down his cheeks as he rushed out the building, not even bothering to sneak out as guards grew alarmed at him. They shot at him a few times and some bullets grazed his arms but he was too heartbroken to care. He pushed and punched a few guards out his way, his anger at them spiking as he just wanted to be alone.
He rushed out the building, his eyes swelling and his nose turning a red hue as tears trickled out his eye when he shut them and buried his face in his palms again. He didn’t even want to go back to the agency anymore, he just wanted to go home and drink away his sorrows. He stumbled back to his house, his world spinning in devastation as he didn’t bat an eye at the people who glanced at him worriedly for the blood on his arms. His home seemed to close yet so far. It was only a short walk but to him it felt like ages till he could see the house fade into view.
He finally stepped to the door, swinging it open with more aggression then needed before he slumped into his couch and just laid there. He felt his tears finally be freed from their prison in his eyes, falling down his cheeks and rolling down his jaw before to his neck. He wiped his eyes over and over until they turned red and stung but he didn’t care. His tears didn’t stop as his sleeves were now drenched in fat sobs. He tore off his coat, and tossed it to the ground. He would apologise to Odasaku for soiling his coat later but for now he just wrapped his arms over his eyes and let his arms get stained with tears now.
He cried and cried till he could not anymore. His eyes now red and puffy as he laid there motionless, too exhausted to move. After a while, he forced himself to the kitchen and popped a bottle of liquor open, wiping a hand over his face before he tilted the whole bottle to his mouth and chugged. The liquor was bitter at first before it melted down his throat to just plain nothing, leaving a slight burn in his mouth as he allowed more to slowly ease the ache in his heart.
He took a few more bottles and ploughed his way to the couch again, slumping down and finishing every last drop of his first bottle. He could already feel his head throb and his eyes grow blurry as the world spun. His mind drifted away from his heartache for a while before it slowly came back and he reached for another bottle to wash it away again.
Soon, his living room was filled with empty liquor bottles scattered throughout the floors as he lay dozed off on his couch, his clothes and hair now a mess as he looked like a wreck. He was awoken a few hours later to the sound of ringing. He pulled himself off the couch groggily and plodded to the direction of the noise. He rubbed his eyes and spotted his phone which was still on the bedside table. It was vibrating from a phone call from Atsushi and it seemed he forgot to bring it out with him. He walked over and picked it up, turning it on speaker as he answered the call.
“Hello-“
“DAZAI-SAN! WHERE ARE YOU? ARE YOU OKAY? YOU’VE BEEN MISSING FOR HOURS! EVERYONE’S WORRIED SICK! I THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER CALL!” Atsushi yelled, his voice sounding strained and full of immense worry.
Dazai would hear some of the other member’s voices, all of them filled with worry and relief that Dazai finally called. Dazai pulled the phone away from him when Atsushi yelled, too moody to deal with this. Nonetheless, he had to keep his cheerful act and sighed, raking a hand through his hair before he spoke into his phone.
“Hey! No need to be so worried, Atsushi-Kun! I may or may not had grown really bored and went back home, then I accidentally fell asleep!” He pretended to smile even though no one could see, doing that always made it easier to sound more genuine.
“Dazai-san! Please never do that again! We almost thought you actually died this time! Kunikida was panicking like crazy! We ran around everywhere to find you!” Atsushi sighed and sounded genuinely concerned, his voice breaking in relief yet fear from before. Now Dazai felt bad. He gulped away from the phone and chuckled into it.
“I’m sorry. I won’t do it next time then. Promise!”
“You better… I’ll inform the others about it and tell you what will happen after. Bye and please don’t fall asleep so you can respond when we call you,” Atsushi lectured a little and Dazai agreed before he hung up the call. His face fell into annoyance and a little guilt as he wiped both hands over his face. He went to his chats and realised he had over thousands of messages sent as well as at least 20 miss calls. Now he really felt guilty. He responded to every member that was trying to reach him during his sob session and slumped on the edge of his bed.
He pulled out a drawer at his bedside table and rummaged through it, pushing past all the random papers and old items before pulling out a box of cigarettes and a lighter. He stood up to his window and unlatched it from its lock, pushing it up and lighting a cigarette. He tossed the cigarette pack aside and placed the lighter in his pocket, bring the cigarette to his mouth as he perched his arms on the window sill, watching some smoke rise out as he moved the cigarette and blew the smoke out.
He lifted the cigarette to his mouth again and sighed, brushing his hair out his face as he felt exhaustion tug at his mental state. Suddenly, the discovery of Chuuya’s new girlfriend barged into his head as he felt tears sting his eyes again. He shut them and tried to push the thought away but the image was burned into his mind. The way Chuuya looked so in love, his flushed face and his bedazzled eyes as he spoke into the phone. It was so obviously love and the more it set in, the more in hurt.
He felt his lungs grow a little tight again and out of the blue, he felt he couldn’t breathe.
He took the cigarette out his mouth and tried to suck some air in but it felt like it was caught just before his lungs and he broke into a coughing fit. He tossed the cigarette out the window and placed a hand on the wall to support himself, the other hand clutching his throat as he coughed more. He slapped a hand over his mouth and rushed into the bathroom, heaving in and out as he coughed over the sink, shutting his eyes from the pain. He felt something rise up his throat and after a minute or two of coughing, he choked and coughed something out of his throat.
He panted and finally opened his eyes. They widened in horror as his hand trembled at the sight. Blood stained the dirty sink and a few flower petals sat stained in the blood.
“What… the hell is this?” His voice was strained and raspy after coughing as he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Did he just cough up flower petals? That couldn’t be physically possible. He shakily straightened and wiped a bit of blood from his mouth. This was bad. Coughing up blood was definitely not a good sign and the fact that petals came out of his mouth as well meant something else. He let out a shaky breath and turned the tap on, rinsing the blood away as he picked up the now clean and damp petals in his palm. They looked like regular petals. They were real too. This didn’t make sense. He washed his face and walked out the bathroom and to his bed. He placed the petals on the bedside table and stared at them as the bed squeaked from him sitting down on it.
The petals made him feel, scared. He felt a looming dread as if this would be a reoccurring thing. He hoped it wouldn’t as the petals stared back at him.
Life must really hate him, didn’t it?
To be continued.