Chapter Text
Jackie had lost count of how many times she and Shauna had debated what came after death. Afterlife? Heaven and Hell? Reincarnation? They had never settled on one theory. Shauna loved reading about religion, for some reason she never understood, but that made conversations like this more interesting. They had spent countless nights up on Shauna’s roof looking at the stars, wondering about their future. She never thought it would be this short-lived.
Jackie had always been more inclined to believe Heaven and Hell were the common outcomes after dying. Heaven being all pearly gates, angel choirs and Old Pete to greet you once you arrive. Hell, of course, was hot with fire and damned souls crying and screaming everywhere and Lucifer sitting on his throne looking down on his subjects. She knew these ideas were childish and not that profound, but she was practically raised with them, so she never bothered in thinking about it very much. That was, until it was her turn to be here.
The night before had left her with a heartache she never thought would go away. Now, after she had woken up, she felt better but not entirely great either. The bittersweet taste of Shauna’s words still stung in her chest, the things she had read on her diary were not leaving her memory any soon. How could they? They were the proof of months of betrayal and selfishness, they were the pillars of days and days of Shauna lying to her face, not only back home but here in the wilderness too.
Shauna, her best friend. Could she call her that after all this? Truth be told, Jackie still loved her, and it’s probably why everything that had happened hurt her still. Shauna was still the little girl she befriended the first day of elementary school. Shauna was still the girl that spent the summers with her, camping in her backyard telling horror stories, hanging by the pool, even joining the family trips. Shauna was still the girl who she had confided her secrets to, from liking Jeff, to not really understanding the hype behind Brad Pitt. She loved Shauna. And sure, she now could admit to herself she had never felt that special connection to Jeff. And how she had caught herself sometimes thinking about Shauna while on dates with him, wishing she could be having them with Shauna instead. These feelings weren’t new to her, she had started having them some months ago, before the trip to Nationals.
Being stranded in God knows where, the team had taken the opportunity to be more honest with one another. After all, having survived a plane crash and still being alive really put their priorities in order. Van and Tai’s relationship was proof of that. With no society to judge, no high school assholes to mock them, they had decided to come out to the team, finally being comfortable enough to be honest. No one had said anything against it, in fact, they’d cheered up and celebrated the union. Jackie would be a liar if she said she wasn’t a bit suspicious of Van being gay at some point. Of course, she didn’t see the problem in any of this, in the end, it was all out of love and that was enough for her. Weeks passed, and seeing the couple interacting clicked something in Jackie’s mind. Memories and past thoughts resurfaced. This time, she welcomed them. It wasn’t like there was anything more interesting to do here, so her thoughts kept her occupied enough.
So, one night, sleeping next to Shauna in their poorly made-up beds on a hard-ass floor of a creepy cabin, that’s when she realized. Maybe her “friendship” with Shauna didn’t exactly feel like a friendship to her. That was her Oh moment. Right there and then, she started putting together the pieces of the puzzle she’d been trying for years to solve, why she never fully connected with other girls on the boy subject. And that same day, she found Shauna’s diary.
At first, she couldn’t believe what she was reading. Obviously, this couldn’t be the same girl she called best friend, could it? So, she decided to address the source. To no one’s surprise, asking Shauna had been useless, but what could she expect from the girl who betrayed her once. Shauna started avoiding her and almost never talking now until Jackie confronted her. THE fight as she remembers.
So that is how she ended up here. Outside the cabin with only a small fire to keep her company. She didn’t remember sleeping on the ground was this uncomfortable, her now bony hips burying into cold dirt were killing her. It was hard to say the time without a watch, something they didn’t realize was so useful in their daily life until you need one desperately. She guessed only some hours had passed since the argument and, hey, she could be stubborn sometimes, but she wasn’t an idiot. She knew that Shauna kicked her out just because she was mad, maybe she was even hoping to apologize to her but had fallen asleep. Either way, her plans didn’t include freezing her ass off while waiting for a bear to eat her.
Jackie picked herself up and set the fire out, took the blanket and went to the cabin door. It would be awkward, of course, but maybe she could even sleep in the attic with Tai and Van, hoping no one noticed her going in. The cabin was empty when the door opened. That couldn’t be, it’s probably the lack of moonlight. But as she entered, she saw the floor was empty, no girls sleeping there in their blanket nests, no pot by the chimney, no Coach Scott, no one in the bathroom. No one. The cabin was empty, from the attic to the closet, there was no one in sight.
At some point she must have fallen asleep, sitting by the table, crying and feeling dizzy. She woke up with the screams. Shauna’s screams. Suddenly, she was outside the cabin, sitting on the snow. Everyone was out looking at Shauna hugging her. But that wasn’t her, it was a frozen version of her. She tried moving, getting up to comfort her friend, but she couldn’t move. She was stuck there, screaming for everyone to realize she was okay, she was there with them. No one heard her. She saw Nat and Tai taking her body to the shed.
-
The next days were a blur. Did they count as days if they were mostly nights? She didn’t know where she was or how time worked here. She gathered she had died, she didn’t remember much, just a dream of Shauna and the others giving her chocolate, and that’s how she had woken up. Then, she went back to the empty cabin. She stayed by the cabin mostly; it’s not like she had much of a choice where to go. She had tried wandering into the woods some other time to entertain herself, but she ended up coming back to the cabin, no matter the path and turns she took.
After one too many sleepless nights, she understood this was the afterlife, her afterlife at least. Sometimes she heard snippets of conversations from the girls, their fights, their jokes. She laughed with them. Truth be told, she missed them, not just their company now, but who they were before the accident. She missed Van’s movie recommendations and Tai’s passion in debate class. She missed trying to guess what the French teacher was saying with Lottie and hanging out with Nat behind the bleachers after practice when they didn’t want to get home just yet. But mostly, she missed Shauna, driving around the neighborhood in her car and how she would always give her the last shitty French fries the cafeteria had. She missed their sleepovers the most.
A few times she went to the shed to see if Shauna could hear her there, feel her presence at least. Most times she found her talking to her corpse, playing games, and doing her make up. It was sort of creepy, to be honest, but seeing her cared in her own weird way was reassuring. She hadn’t forgotten her, not yet at least. The weeks passed and Jackie saw less and less of Shauna, until one day she didn’t come back, so she returned to the cabin. Soon after, she appeared in the plane. Nat was there, talking to her and crying. Jackie had never seen her cry before. So, she sat by Nat and kept her company, listening.
So this is how she spent her days now: in the cabin, lingering around the woods only to come back to the cabin. Appearing places without knowing how, she just went by some divine power that teleported her to wherever she was needed. It was monotonous, there were only so many times one could play Solitaire without getting bored. Not being hungry didn’t make her situation any more bearable. She realized she hadn’t eaten in four days and then remembered not feeling hungry at all. So, all she could do was walk, she tried running but got tired eventually, playing cards, sleeping, and, oh, haunting people.
-
Some time passed until, one night, she woke up to someone crying. Not anyone, a baby. She came down from the attic and opened the door. There, right before her, was a naked baby lying on the floor. She took her varsity jacket out and wrapped the baby with it. The only baby she could think about was Shauna’s, but she wasn’t due for another month, was she? Again, time here was confusing. She never knew exactly how days passed, the only indicator of time passing was whenever she caught a glimpse of the girls and saw their hair growing longer, their faces getting shallower and bodies getting thinner.
Tears began running down her cheeks that wouldn’t stop. She cried with her friend’s baby because they both missed her; they were both stranded in a sort of weird afterlife endless cycle and didn’t know where their souls could end up. They cried because they missed their parents, they missed feeling the heat of a fire, the warmth of a meal or simply feeling cold. They cried because they both lost the most important person in their lives.
Day after day, the baby woke her up crying his lungs out. William (yes, she named the baby) could cry for hours, or at least it felt like hours. Jackie didn’t think spirits could feel tired, but apparently, they did if they didn’t rest enough, just like any living thing. Sometimes he got tired quickly, understanding his mother wouldn’t come, sometimes it took Jackie singing Chiquitita ten times before he calmed down. Sometimes, he just wouldn’t stop, and she thought the crying would make her go crazy, but it didn’t. She just kept on rocking the baby, telling him stories of his mother and her, back when they were the best of friends. They went on walks through the woods, she taught him what trees were, what the singing of birds sounded like. That was about all there was to their routine. In the night, they would go back to the cabin and their make-shift beds. She would start a fire in the fireplace, not because they were cold, but she enjoyed watching the light and how it always left William in awe.
She had never understood what was so nice about kids before, after all, she was the youngest of her family with siblings and cousins twice her age. She was the family’s baby. They had never reached the point of talking about babies with Jeff and thank God for that. She and Shauna talked about it, of course, as one discussed their life dreams with their best friend. Both had agreed they’d have children eventually, just not yet, neither of them seemed over the moon with the idea though. Now, with William in her arms, sound asleep by the fire, she could see how she resembled Shauna. He had her nose and those big sad brown eyes she could look at forever. He even smiled a bit like her. If this is how people felt about their children, then she understood parents who cried at school plays and cheered for their kid’s team on the bleachers.
-
Jackie was starting to hate mornings. This one, she didn’t wake up to a crying baby. Maybe William had finally got used to Shauna not being there. But William wasn’t there. The blanket nest was empty. She searched everywhere, up in the attic, outside, even in the chimney, but couldn’t find William. She even called out for him as if he could say, “I’m over here, dumbass.” Obviously, no one called back.
Days passed and William didn’t come back, didn’t magically appear in his crib or outside, not even in the shed. Now, Jackie found it difficult to sleep again, to do anything really. The walks in the woods were lonely, and having the cabin all to herself made her feel even more alone. Before, she had spent so much time in silence, she often forgot the sound of her own voice. William had reminded her she could speak, not just listen. She couldn’t bring herself to take the blanket from the baby’s crib to use against the hard floor.
Jackie lost count of how much time she spent lying on the floor looking at the ceiling, counting the wood planks and the cricks the cabin made at night. She just didn’t have any strength in her anymore. William disappearance made her think that maybe this wasn’t all the afterlife it’s supposed to be. Perhaps this was only the purgatory. How much time was it necessary to move on to the next phase, though? Or maybe she wasn’t worthy of moving on. Either way, she was stacked here for who knows how long. She hoped William was in a better place now, less hard floors and endless nights. A more lovely place.
-
At this point, she’s confident that at least a year or two have passed. The girls were rescued, finally. This didn’t make her leave the cabin, though, but at least it took her to other places. She visited them at the hospital when she could, watching from a corner. She spent most of her time in Shauna’s room. Her hair was longer and lighter than she had ever seen it. She watched people come and go from her room, doctors, family members, classmates, even Jeff, and that’s when her parents came. She couldn’t contain her tears. She knew her parents loved Shauna like their own, now, seeing her so weak trying to explain that their daughter hadn’t survived while trying to come up with a less cruel version of how it happened, it took everything from her not to leave the room.
She was happy for them when they got to leave. Each of the girls went their own way and she followed them if they let her. She visited Tai in her graduation, the whole ceremony, speeches and all. She visited Van when she moved out and opened her video store. She visited Lottie each time she was hospitalized and visited Nat each time she was at the police station. None of them could see her, but she went, nonetheless. They were her teammates, her friends, even if they abandoned her once. She had forgiven them long ago. At the end of the day, she loved them.
Shauna was, of course, the one she visited the most. Shauna was the only one that talked to her and saw her. Jackie was there when Shauna went back to her childhood room and lay awake through the night, not able to sleep due to the eerie silence of civilization. She was there when Shauna took down their photos and cleaned every bit of Jackie from her room. She was there for Shauna’s wedding. She was there for her when she found out she was pregnant and, most importantly, she was there when Shauna gave birth. She was there for Shauna every time she thought of Jackie, which was more often than she’d thought it would be.
The night she met Callie, she wasn’t planning on going, she just appeared in her room. It had been a long time since she magically appeared against her will. She stood beside the crib, looking down on the baby that was wide awake looking back at her. Jackie studied her face, like she had done with William once. She had Shauna’s ears and lips, but bright eyes and a straight nose, just like her. And Jeff. After everything that had happened, it seemed like Shauna was destined to look back at eyes like hers. She made funny faces and Callie laughed, really loud for that matter. This made Shauna check on her. She picked her up and rocked her for a bit until she fell asleep again. Just as she was about to leave, Shauna looked at the corner Jackie was standing by.
“Don’t wake her up again” she said, and then she was gone.
So Jackie watched Callie grow up from afar as the years passed. For some reason, Callie couldn’t see her anymore. No matter how close Jackie stood, she never once looked back. Maybe it was because of the growing distance between her and Shauna, they didn’t play as often or talk for that matter. She wondered if Shauna ever told Callie about her, their friendship at least. It’s not like she can hide it much from her, after all, Callie goes to the same high school they attended and there’s a huge memorial in one of the sports cabinets.
The only one who could still see her was Shauna. She didn’t visit as often, but her friend always called her back, especially around the crash’s anniversary. She was called for sad situations now. Shauna visiting Jackie’s room was a recurrent one, as her family still celebrated Jackie’s birthday and made a tradition of inviting Shauna every year. She went every time, not like it was up to her to decide, but she went even when Shauna didn’t think about her. One of the last things Shauna did was call her out on her selfishness, so Jackie was determined to support Shauna, even if her friend still thought bad of her.
-
In the past months, she sometimes found herself more in society than in the cabin. She couldn’t complain, at this point, she was starting to make new paths in the woods from her everyday walks. She was, however, worried that this was because Shauna, and the others now, were in danger or something she couldn’t help them with. Sometimes Jackie woke up to the sound of more voices than the ones she was accustomed to. At first, she didn’t recognize them, but it was only a matter of time before she recognized Misty’s tone and Lottie’s calm demeanor. She was happy they were reuniting, even if her trips to visit Shauna were becoming stranger by the hour.
-
Jackie had finally started to enjoy mornings again. Not this one, though. She was woken up by a knock on the door. At first, she thought she had dreamed it, of course, but then there was another one and another one, each becoming more urgent. Her whole body (or spirit?) was trembling as she went downstairs. It was never good to find someone here. She had had to calm down Javi before he disappeared within a few hours, same as Travis. She hadn’t had time to explain to them where they were before they’d moved on. Lucky them.
She opened the door and, across from her, was Nat.