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Ezra could remember clearly the first time Kanan had ever caught him.
He remembered falling, the air whipping past as he plummeted to his untimely demise.
At the time he had been so scared, it felt like this was really the end. Why would they try to save him anyway, even if they could? It was clear none of them liked him, Zeb had just spent the last twenty minutes laughing at his failures. He was going to die alone.
And then he stopped falling, hovering just above the clouds.
He felt warm inside, despite how cold the wind had been just a moment ago. Like someone was wrapping him in a big, warm, engulfing hug, like his mother used to do, but he was still in the sky.
He looked up to see the Ghost hovering above him, as if he hadn’t even fallen that far. Wait, were they descending to catch him?
…or was he getting closer to it?
He saw Kanan, standing on top of the ship, chopper by his side. He held both hands out, brow furrowed in deep concentration as the ships door opened and revealed Zeb, who’s expression had shifted from the goofy smirk he’d had during Jedi training to something much more panicked and serious, reaching for Ezra’s hand.
He flailed wildly for Zeb’s hand, and had just barely managed to grab onto him before he felt the warm not-hug leave him and he was falling again.
Zeb pulled him back up onto the ghost and into a tight embrace, before shoving him away and denying it had ever happened.
When Maul caught him, it was different. Very different.
He’d learned over the past year to put more trust in his new family, to believe they’d be there to catch him before he fell too far. He wasn’t on his own anymore, he could lean on them. And they could lean on him in turn.
Maybe it was stupid to believe, even for a second, that Maul could be a part of his family. They had just met, after all.
And yet when Maul screamed at him to jump before it was too late, Ezra listened.
He immediately regretted it. He wasn’t even sure Maul was going to catch him.
Maul stayed true to his word, he had caught Ezra. But this wasn’t like any other time he’d ever been caught by the force.
It felt like his rib cage was getting crushed, squishing his organs together in a space never meant to be that small. It was getting harder and harder to breathe and he was so cold. He’d only ever felt like this when encountering Vader.
His arm holding the Holocron shot up and he looked up to see Maul with an unreadable expression on his face.
The crushing feeling seemed to snake up his arm, and he felt his body be dragged upwards by the Holocron in his hand.
You idiot, Maul never cared about you in the slightest, he just needed you for the Holocron. You let him use you.
He could only watch in horror as Maul reached out for the Holocron, counting the mere seconds he had left before Maul let him fall down onto the sharp rocks waiting, begging to take his life.
He should’ve stayed home. He should’ve let Hera convince him and Kanan to stay and help build the new rebel base. He should’ve let his goodbyes drawl out. Should’ve hugged his new family tighter.
This was where it was all going to end. Kanan and Ahsoka would never even find his body, would they?
And then Maul’s hand closed around his own, and the crushing weight around his chest seemed to disappear, and Maul was pulling him back up onto the ledge.
“See? I told you I would catch you.”
Ezra’s breathing was still quick and uneven as he nodded at his companion, too shaken to speak, trying desperately to convince his lungs he wasn’t suffocating. That it was over, they weren’t being crushed.
He was still cold.
The cold wouldn’t leave, either. Not after he found Kanan, not after maul betrayed them and—
Not after Ahsoka—
He couldn’t get warm. No matter what he tried.
And he did try, he thought if he could just protect his family, save them from getting hurt again because of his mistakes, the cold would leave.
But it never did.
On his first mission as a commander of the rebellion, the cold still lingered deep in his bones.
He had gotten his team to safety, they were all high above in space with the five Y-wings they’d secured from the demolition center before Ezra had shut it down.
All that was left was himself.
It wasn’t until he watched the Phantom plummet from the crumbling station that he realized he had really screwed up.
He was clinging to the docks now as the whole station fell to the bottom of the gas planet. His comm had gone offline at some point, he wasn’t sure when. It probably got knocked off his belt when he fell. He couldn’t let go of the docks to check.
He had pushed everyone out, ordered his team to save themselves, forced everyone to leave until it was just himself.
He was alone, and he didn’t know what to do.
He thought, at the very least, he wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone anymore if he died here. Wouldn’t be able to get them all killed. Or blinded.
Death is such a funny thing. No matter how many times he’d faced it in the past two years, Ezra could never shake the feeling of fear. He was so afraid of death. He did not want to die here, cold, forgotten, alone.
He just wanted his family to be happy, and safe, and most importantly together.
He wanted his dad.
Instead he was going to die.
Ezra had faced death many times in his sixteen years of life, and not one of them had felt as real as this. He was so scared. He could feel his tears being ripped away by the wind.
He shut his eyes tight as he fell in a futile attempt to block out the ever looming threat of death. No one was coming for him. He was dying on this gas planet and it was all his fault.
“Ezra!”
He looked up. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing.
“K-Kanan?”
“Ezra! I’m here, you need to let go! I’ll catch you!”
If he wasn’t already, Ezra would’ve cried with relief. The ghost was flying with the station, staying level as kanan reached out for Ezra’s hand.
They couldn’t get any closer, Ezra would have to jump and pray Kanan would catch him.
But how would he know where to reach? Kanan couldn’t see anymore.
Ezra couldn’t think about that right now, he was too overjoyed, and too afraid to stay.
He let go.
He was weightless for less than a second before Kanan found his hand and wrenched him into the ghost.
He sat there, cradled in his father’s arms, catching his breath. Crying still. He was so cold, and Kanan was so warm. He never wanted to leave again. Wanted to stop time in this moment and stay here forever.
It didn’t last long enough, they had to go back to base. Back to the fight.
It was back at their base planet, searching for the sith Holocron to save their family, that Kanan had said it.
“I don’t blame you for what happened. And it’s time you stopped blaming yourself too.”
Ezra hadn’t realized he needed to hear those words. It was stupid, the whole thing was his fault. Kanan should be mad at him! He got him blinded! He should never have trusted Maul!
And yet he couldn’t help but trust in his master, as he looked up at him.
Maybe it was time to forgive himself.
He shot forward, wrapping himself around his father. Kanan pulled Ezra into his strong arms.
They stayed that way for a long time.
He wasn’t cold anymore.