Chapter Text
Kenma doesn't really care about what's going on around him most of the time, and today is no exception. Seeing him always focused on his console, people often think that he isn't listening to the conversations that are taking place around him, but just because he doesn't care doesn't mean he can't hear them, despite himself.
It's not that his new high school teammates are talking badly about him or anything like that – they would never dare in Kuroo's presence – their conversations are just always about topics that bore him. It's Kenma's curse; always being too uninterested in the real world, but at the same time unable to stop analyzing everything that's going on around him.
It was Kuroo who asked him to join them that night – Kuroo, always Kuroo who cares too much about him – so that he could socialize a bit with the team even off the court. 'It's important for a setter to get to know his teammates, and what better occasion than a summer retreat?' he had pointed out, and as much as it pains Kenma to admit it, he was right – at least on the 'getting to know the other players' part.
“No, I prefer blondes, they’re so much better!” a third-year spiker exclaims, prompting a flurry of annoyed exclamations from the other boys.
“But your girlfriend has dark hair!” The captain points out, laughing. The other responds to the accusation with a smirk and a shrug, without even trying to pretend to be embarrassed. Kenma grimaces. What’s the point of having a girlfriend if you don’t even like her?
"And you, little first year? What kind of girls do you like?"
Kenma pauses the game and glances over at the spiker. It looks like his expression hasn’t gone unnoticed. Not that he cares. He stays quiet and shrugs, hoping that this will be enough to shift his attention to someone else.
The third year boy doesn’t give up. “Come on, do you even like girls, huh?” He chuckles, followed by the giggles of his friends.
Does he like girls? Well, yeah. I mean, Kenma never really thought about it that much, actually, he always assumed that was the case: after all, he's a boy and boys like girls, right? Why should it be any different for him?
He shrugs again and turns his attention back to his console, resuming his game. He has no intention, nor desire, to give in to the provocation. Let them think what they want, as long as they go back to ignoring him.
“Satō, leave him alone.” Kuroo’s voice intervenes from beside Kenma, always ready to defend him with all his might at any moment. Kenma finds himself smiling fondly.
“Come on, we were just joking.” Satō laughs again, throwing his hands up in the air. “Since you’re defending him so much, answer for him, Tetsurou. What kind of girl do you like?”
“I’d like someone who plays volleyball with me, I guess.”
It takes him a second longer than it should to answer – Kenma notices – and when he finally does, there’s a strange note in his voice. Of course, no one else feels it, but Kenma knows his best friend better than Kuroo himself does, and wonders the reason behind his hesitation. He glances at him sideways, but Kuroo avoids his gaze, his face red.
“Look at him, such a romantic!” Satō exclaims, ecstatic that he has finally managed to provoke a reaction other than a shrug from his interlocutor. “We’ll have to organize a training session with the girls’ team then, so our Tetsurou will have a chance to make an impression. What do you say, captain?”
The conversation continues and everyone seems to forget about Kenma's presence again. He however can't stop wondering what Kuroo is thinking, so much so that from the distraction he lets his character die and is forced to restart the game. His best friend is talking with the others as if nothing had happened, but his posture is a little too stiff to be able to fool Kenma too.
Is he still upset about how the third years laughed at Kenma? Or does it have something to do with the question they asked him? Did it upset Kuroo the same way it has upset him? Yet, Kuroo's answer had seemed sincere, even if hesitant.
'At least you like girls, huh?'
Why does this question keep nagging at him? Yes, he likes girls, why wouldn't he? They're cute, with their long hair, uniform skirts, and painted nails. He's never been friends with a girl, but he thinks he could get along with one, if he were to befriend one. The only reason he's never gotten a girlfriend is because he's never cared, not because he doesn't like girls. The fact that he's never thought about it until now doesn't mean anything, does it? He's always had other priorities, like... like video games. And volleyball. And Kuroo. He didn't have time to think about girls.
However.
However, when was the last time a girl caught his attention? Did it ever really happen? Zelda. Zelda, yes, he has always liked her, she is a beautiful character. But is it the same if she is not real? It must be, otherwise who else is there? Watanabe from his class is cute, she always wears that red headband that matches her uniform and greets him every morning. But he's never been interested in her, has he? She is beautiful aesthetically, that cannot be denied, but he likes her as he might like a butterfly with beautiful colored wings, nothing more. Is this what it means to fall in love? To consider a person beautiful? Maybe if-
"Kenma."
He looks up quickly at Kuroo, who is watching him worriedly. Ah, he must have been lost in his thoughts, so lost that he forgot to pay attention to his best friend's attitude. He blinks in confusion and returns his eyes to his console, the "game over" sign flashing for the second time that evening. Who knows how long his character had been dead and he hadn't realized it, too busy thinking about something completely different. This probably explains the alarmed tone with which Kuroo brought him back to reality a moment ago.
“I’m tired. I’m going to sleep.” He announces, then gets up and leaves the classroom where the entire Nekoma team had gathered, heading towards the one designated for the night. He feels Kuroo’s gaze on him all the way to the door.
⸻
Kenma's sleep that night is particularly restless. The next morning he blames the dark circles under his eyes on the sultry summer heat that has kept many of his classmates awake, but Kuroo doesn't seem to be convinced and keeps a close eye on him more than usual. Which makes Kenma snort, since from the looks of his best friend, he doesn't seem to have slept more than a few hours straight that night either.
During training, in fact, they are both distracted and are scolded several times by the coach. Kenma doesn't pay it any attention – because of his laziness he is more than used to ignoring his constant reprimands – but Kuroo at the end of the day seems even more tense than the night before. And the situation doesn't seem to improve as the days go by.
The two of them continue to act as if everything is normal, both with their classmates and with each other, but they are both aware that there is something that is bothering the other. Kenma feels twice as uneasy: on one hand he can't stop thinking about the conversation from the other night, and on the other... Kuroo. He can't seem to figure out what's wrong with him, which bothers Kenma.
They finally get a chance to be alone after the week of summer retreat, on the way home. Kenma keeps glancing sideways at his best friend, wondering if he'll be the one to speak first or if Kenma will have to, but his expression doesn't reveal anything. When they arrive in front of the Kozume family's house, neither of them has said a word yet.
“Do you want to… come up and play video games?” Kenma breaks the silence.
Kuroo looks up and nods wordlessly, at which point both boys make their way through the front door and up the stairs. However, once they're sitting side by side on the floor of Kenma's room, their backs resting on the bed behind them, Kuroo speaks first.
“I’m sorry I forced you to chat with the third years.” He says it all in one breath, as if he’s been waiting days to say it and has finally managed to unburden himself.
Kenma looks at him confused. “Why are you sorry?”
“Because I know what Satō said upset you.” He explains, avoiding his gaze. “I should have known he’d say something like that. He’s an asshole, he always does that. If I hadn’t forced you to come, you wouldn’t have had to talk to them. It’s my fault, I’m sorry.”
'What Satō said upset you.'
'Do you even like girls, huh?'
Kuroo's right though, isn't he? It did upset him, more than he'd like to admit. But it's not Kuroo's fault.
"It's not true."
"What?"
"It's not your fault."
“Ah, but it’s true that it upset you.” He says, as if it were a statement rather than a question. Kuroo finally looks up at him and Kenma notices a strange determination in them. Now it’s his turn to avoid looking at his face. He shrugs.
“You didn’t seem comfortable after he asked you what kind of girl you like, either.” Kenma argues defensively. He realizes his mistake immediately, but the words are out of his mouth and there’s no way to take them back. He risks a glance at his best friend and finds him staring at the blank television screen, red as a pepper.
It was then that Kenma realized that Kuroo's reaction was the complete opposite of his own. Which meant that... his best friend liked a girl! What if...
"Kuro?"
"Mh?"
"Have you ever fallen in love?"
His head whips toward Kenma, his eyes wide like a deer’s caught in the headlights of a moving car. “What?”
"Have you ever fallen in love?"
After several seconds of tense silence, he nods slowly.
"H-"
"Don't ask me with whom."
Kenma snorts, he hadn’t meant to ask. Although he has to admit he’s a little curious now. “How did you figure that out?”
"Figure out what?"
"When you realized you were in love. What made you figure that out?"
“Oh.” Kuroo seems genuinely taken aback by the question. He looks around and scratches his neck, as if that will help him avoid having to answer. “I didn’t realize it at once. I think… I think I’ve always known it a little. It’s hard to explain, you know when it happens. It’s a series of things you feel…”
Kenma realizes that he's making him uncomfortable and that his best friend would much rather talk about anything else, but he needs to know.
"And what does it feel like? How does it feel when you like someone?"
At which point Kuroo looks at him and seems to notice something in Kenma's expression or in the tone of voice in with which he's asked the question. He understands that for him the answer is important, not simple curiosity, and for this reason he decides to indulge him, even though it clearly makes him feel embarrassed.
“You feel… happy when you’re with the person you like. And also a little nervous, sometimes, but in a good way. Like your stomach is all churning, some call them butterflies. But you want to spend all your time with this person, and talk to them about everything that comes to mind, and you want to listen to them talk for hours and hours about anything.” Kuroo starts to tell him, and the longer he goes on, the more confident he becomes, his voice getting stronger. “And you can’t stop looking at them, even when they’re doing stupid things, and you want to touch them all the time, play with their hair and take their hands and kiss them and-”
He stops abruptly, and Kenma doesn't understand why until he notices the horrified expression he's started to make as he heard Kuroo's words. He quickly wipes it off his face, but it's too late already, and the enthusiasm Kuroo had shown earlier has now faded, replaced once again by a strong embarrassment.
“And nothing. This.” Kuroo finishes saying in a small voice, returning to his initial silence, his eyes once again fixed on the ground.
Kenma knows he should say something, apologize, thank him maybe, but he can't stop thinking about what he's just heard. Is this what it feels like when you like someone? Flustered, stomach churning, but in a... good way? He's felt nervous around people before, yes, but he doesn't think that's what Kuroo meant at all. He often feels nervous around new people, but that's because he doesn't know them, not because he likes them.
What else did he say? 'You feel happy when you're with the person you like, you want to spend all your time with them.' He's never felt that way about a girl, but then again he's never been friends with one either. How could he want to spend his days with a girl if he doesn't even know her? If he's never exchanged more than a few words with her, how can he know if her presence makes him happy? Maybe he should try talking to some of his classmates, see if that actually makes him start to feel one of the feelings Kuroo described. Now that he thinks about it, the idea of doing so makes him nervous, is that what his friend was referring to?
But... it doesn't seem like a positive type of nervousness, what he's feeling right now. It's much more like the anxiety he felt the night Kuroo suggested he join his teammates to get to know them better, as if it were an obligation and he didn't really want to do it. He shouldn't feel nauseated at the thought of chatting with a girl, at least he's sure of that. And the more he replays Kuroo's words, the more this unpleasant feeling grows inside him, until he finds himself having to erase the grimace that has involuntarily made its way onto his face for the second time.
'You can't stop looking at them, and you want to touch them all the time, play with their hair and take their hands and kiss them...'
Watching someone all the time? Okay, a little creepy but not that terrible, Kenma likes to observe everything that happens around him, especially when others don't notice. Playing with their hair? Now that's something he's already imagined doing – some girls have such beautiful hair; Kenma is willing to bet that it's soft and silky too. He's started growing it out as well, lately. Maybe that's the only reason why girls' hair fascinates him so much: he wishes he had it like them too.
Touch them all the time? Take their hands? He... never thought about it. Kenma doesn't like physical contact very much, which is strange when you think about it, considering he and Kuroo are always glued to each other's sides. But with Kuroo it's different, he's his best friend and Kenma feels comfortable with him; his presence calms him. The idea of doing it with anyone else upsets him in a way he can't explain, even to himself.
And kissing them? That really disgusts him. Kissing someone? Putting his mouth on theirs? Ugh. That's gross. What about saliva? Kenma is repulsed by the idea of even drinking from the same bottle as someone else — even his best friend's, which is saying a lot, since he and Kuroo share pretty much everything. Kissing someone is supposed to be normal, right? Everyone does it. So why does the idea of having to do it make him cringe so much?
The idea of having a girlfriend doesn't bother him much, until he thinks about how that would mean holding her hand and kissing her and doing all the things that dating couples do. The more he thinks about it, the more he realizes that his definition of "girlfriend" is a little too close to that of "friend" – a friend he could chat with and play video games with, whose hair he could braid and then have her braid it back. A friend he could hug, yes, but with affection and never go beyond that, because the idea of having to do anything else makes his stomach clench, and not in the pleasant sense that Kuroo described.
So what does all this mean for him? Is it really like that? He doesn't like girls? He can't understand why the thought torments him so much: after all it has never mattered to him, so why it does now?
“Kuro?” he asks after several minutes of tense silence, his gaze fixed straight ahead.
"Yeah?"
“I don’t think I like girls.” He admits in a small voice, so low that for a moment he fears Kuroo hasn’t heard him. But his friend turns to look at him, and when Kenma dares to peek in his direction, he notices that he’s staring at him with an intensity he’s never seen before.
“It’s okay, kitten.” He says with affection in his voice, and Kenma feels his heart warm for a moment. All doubt evaporates, because his best friend – the most reassuring and constant presence in his life – has just said that it’s okay, that it’s not a strange thing. He’s never felt so grateful for someone as he does in this moment, and like every time he feels overwhelmed by his affection for him, he lets himself fell against Kuroo’s side.
“It’s not wrong that you like guys.” Kuroo adds after a moment, his voice steady and with a hint of something else Kenma can’t quite place. As if it wasn’t the first time he’d said those exact words and he was trying to convince Kenma as much as himself.
“Guys?” Kenma asks, blinking in confusion. He pulls back again to look at his face and notices that his best friend’s eyebrows are also furrowed, perplexed.
“You don’t like girls… because you like boys. That’s what you meant, right?” He asks uncertainly, staring at him.
No, Kenma hadn't even thought about it. Why hadn't he thought about it? It's the most logical answer; that was probably what Satō had tried to insinuate with his provocation. You don't like girls, then it means you like boys. Yet Kenma had discarded the idea even before starting to evaluate it, taking it for granted that it couldn't be that. Because deep down he had never liked boys – he would have realized it otherwise, right?
It’s a different situation than with girls, because society teaches men that they have to like women, and it’s easy to confuse what you feel with what others expect you to feel — especially if you have no idea what that feeling is supposed to be. He never realized that he didn’t like girls because he assumed that was the case, even though nothing had ever clicked inside him that could have definitively confirmed it. Kenma had never doubted his attraction to women until he was asked the direct question and he had realized that, in fact, this supposed attraction had never been there.
No one had ever told him he could fall in love with a boy, and so he had never given it any thought. But then again, he didn't even know what it meant to fall in love with someone. But Kuroo had said he would have understood if it had happened, and if Kenma had felt for a boy what his best friend had just described, he would have certainly noticed. If only because his feelings would have clashed with everything he had been taught. After all, it is much easier to notice something that is out of place – considered "not normal" and "wrong", whose presence clangs with the world around you – than the silent absence of something else more usual and ordinary.
Kenma has had several male friends throughout his life – unlike girls, who he has rarely had to deal with – and he can say with certainty that none of them have ever made him feel anything like what Kuroo has spoken about. Yes, he feels happy in their presence and enjoys spending time with his friends, but precisely because that is what they are: his friends. The idea that something more could develop with one of them makes him return again to those unpleasant feelings he had at the thought of kissing someone. No, that was not at all what he meant when he has said he didn't like girls.
“I don’t think I like guys either, actually.” He admits after spending several minutes mulling the matter over, fiddling with the sleeves of his sweatshirt.
“Oh.” Kuroo says simply – and is it disappointment that’s creeping across his face, despite his friend trying his best not to let it show?
“I don’t know. I’ve never felt those things you said.” Kenma tries to explain. “For anyone.” He adds in a second moment, to better emphasize the concept. He’s never been good at voicing his thoughts, and now more than ever this flaw of his is showing, preventing him from expressing what he feels to the one person who he desperately wants to be understood by.
“Well, there’s still time to fall in love, right?” Kuroo replies, his voice light and full of warmth, momentarily replacing whatever had darkened his mood a moment before. “You don’t have to worry about it, it’ll happen when it’s supposed to happen. Girl or boy.” He adds, giving him a light nudge of encouragement.
He's right. Kenma's only in his first year of high school, he has his whole life ahead of him to worry about these things; why doing it now?
Kenma snorts and elbows him back with a little more force than necessary, out of spite. Kuroo bursts out laughing and after a moment Kenma finds himself giggling like an idiot too. He doesn't need to think about girls and boys when he already has his best friend by his side.
“So, ready to lose?” he asks, getting up to grab two controllers and turn on the PlayStation.
"This time I'll win for sure, wait and see!"